How to ask my wife if she would be interested in spicing things up a bit

[sonofearth 15]

First, I'd like to say that I admire everyone here for being so brave about their sexual fantasies and being able to take it to the next level(if they did), my story in short is that I'm newly married, but because I love my wife, and I've had many experiences before, I know that sexuality between couples burn out after a while, ofcourse this is not the case here, we're just starting, but the thing is I know that this day will come, me and my wife are young, we're in our late 20s, so what I have in mind is to shape our sexual life early, and planting the seeds of a wild, interesting sexual life from the beginning, because it's simply devastating to think that I'd ever let myself and her go through the phase of her laying on her back and me just going missionary and that's it after I finish because we have to wake up for work and her for her work or house work ... No way this is going to happen

 

So I guess I'm still at phase 1 concerning shaping our sexual wardrobe, I have so many questions in my head, one of them ofcourse is ... would she be interested in spicing things up a bit for an example with an FFM fantasy (just a fantasy) ... how would I know my wife's sexual feelings about other women? how to approach such matter without offending her or burning up my chances for later encounters with frightening her off early?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I see you are a newly-registered member so first, I'll say WELCOME to the Swingersboard.

 

Second, decline in sexual activity is not an inevitable path in a married relationship. People are able to keep their love-chemicals fresh by frequjently looking into each other's eyes and expressing their love; no extra devices needed. Swing lifestyle is a way for having fun; not a way to refresh a married relationship.

 

Third, I always advise people to use the direct method. If you are wonderng whether or not your spoiuse is interested in something, just ask. You know her and her ways of thinking; I don't. Only you will know the right time and the right way to ask.

 

Good luck in your investigations.

 

~Michael

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

First off,

 

I think the best thing you can do to "shape" your relationship in the direction you want to see it progress is to just be honest. Don't think about trying to manipulate your wife or putting some long-term goal out there that she's not going to know about. That's just dishonest and will cause issues. However, if you are open and honest with her from the beginning, that doesn't mean you have to jump into anything, it just means you are both able to be completely honest. Talk about your fantasies, talk about your past experiences (if you haven't already) and just enjoy life together. If you are 100% honest about those things from the beginning then should the day come when either of you feels you need some "spice" then it will be really easy to allow it to happen together.

[km34 672]

I think you have gotten some great advice. Just talk to her about your fantasies and encourage her to share hers as well.

 

I do have a question... Why did you wait until after the wedding to bring up desires to include others? Is it something you just thought of to help prolong the "honeymoon" period of your sex lives or have you been thinking of it for a while? Just curious.

 

I also agree that a stagnant sex life is in no way inevitable. Just keeping the honesty and playfulness up between the two of you is key, not necessarily adding other people (not that I'm opposed to that.. obviously lol).

[sonofearth 15]

Well well well, first of all, thank you so much for all the sweet responses and the nice welcoming attitude, certainly guys you make me feel like home, actually reading what you write here, the way you interact and respect each other, being helpful and supportive, it all makes me think that having such a life style only adds to your maturity and develops your character much much more than any other experience, so thank you Michael, Julie and Km34 for everything you said

 

BUT... I have to respectfully disagree with some of the stuff that you said, you see we live in a conservative society here in middle east, where open minded ppl like me have to keep their darker sides to themselves, and the sexuality taboo here is much much more disliked, I don't mean that my wife is severely conservative or something, but still the gap is a bit wider so I think in such matter of sharing bed with other people I cannot be very direct from the beginning, not because I want to manipulate her or something, but because I know that hitting that spot directly, even if she fantasizes about it (which I'm not sure if she does), would definitely create a barrier that I do not want to be created from the beginning specially that we're newly married, we have known each others for 3 years or so, but marriage itself is still new, so we haven't dealt with all the initial insecurities and new marriage worries yet, and I KNOW I have to create a solid trustful marriage in order to go on with the swinging road comfortably

 

What I had in mind is making her comfortable enough with the idea on the long term, while working on my marriage and jealousy issues and her insecurities which comes out from living in such a conservative society, actually it's not only the society, it's the media brainwash... that shows polyamory as the ultimate sin, and natural sexual fantasy of more than two persons in bed as the gate to hell ..... it's unnatural and repressing, it's like locking a bird in a cage, then you expect him to marry happily.

 

So I'm trying to be honest with myself, I know that monogamy is not natural and it causes couples to have a robotic marriage where they lay deadly in the poisonous comfort zone, why work out, why dress up while you will have the same thing anyway.. this is the way Human beings think, and from most of the posts I read here, this was the case for many ppl until they started swinging, having to work on themselves in order to still be attractive to other couples or singles.

 

Anyhow I don't want to be too boring with all that talk, because I have hundreds of thoughts about the subject that I can go on writing for ever but what I really want here is to be a part of the family, I'm a young guy, I'm newly married, I believe that my wife and myself deserve the wildest sex life we can have, because I love her and I love myself too, so I want your guidance, experience and above all, your friendship because I know I'll not be able to do it without you being around me.

 

Joe

[km34 672]

So, building on the idea and working on yourselves and your relationship over the span of years before actually acting on anything... Are you going to be disappointed years down the road after putting in all of this effort if she is still not welcoming to the idea? Just because a person is confident, attractive, and secure in a relationship doesn't mean she'll be interested in opening it up in anyway.

 

I also still think it's sad that you assume a monogamous marriage ends up being this awful thing where both people are unhappy robots. My parents have been in a mono marriage for almost 30 years and I know for a fact that they are still happy together and have a healthy sex life (I know, that's what every daughter wants to know, but apparently my family talks about sex now... lol). My grandparents were married for 50 years and were happy together until the end. My in-laws have been married for 30 years, and I have also had the misfortune to walk in on/call them at inopportune times, so I know that THEY still have an active sex life as well.

 

I would be so hurt to find out that my husband believed we would end up bored and uncaring if we didn't have an open relationship of some variety. If he didn't think we could be happy on our own merits, I doubt I would even stay with him.

 

I know relationships get in bad places, and I agree that working on ourselves and the relationship itself is necessary to remain happy in the long term, but I don't agree that it requires nonmonogamy. Humans may naturally be attracted to more than one person in a lifetime, but it doesn't mean they have to act on it to be happy.

 

I'm also not trying to convince you that swinging isn't for you. I just don't agree that hiding your desire for it from your wife for a long time is a good way to start off a marriage. Actually, I don't think hiding things that are important to you and/or dishonesty are EVER good in a marriage.

[sonofearth 15]

Well, First, we have to agree on something, please do not think that I'm trying to have a hidden agenda behind my wife's back, because I think it's insulting to me, maybe some other men would have because they are insecure about theirselves or so, but I'm definitely not, there is a huge difference between hiding stuff from my wife,( which I definitely don't she even knows that I check out other women and she watches porn with me), and trying to work on the relationship to grow naturally so we become one and my fantasies and hers are one, what I want to work on is the jealousy and the possessiveness that would stop us from having this even if we both wanted it

 

So please do not put me on the defensive and misinterpret what I say into the bad explanation instead of the good one

 

on the other hand, I would not mind waiting for years before I pop the question it will never be a loss for me, because even if she said no then , she would say it because she's really not into it, but if she said no now ( before I work on building a solid super trust relationship) it might be for a variety of reasons other than she doesn't want it in her heart, and I'd have put her in the defensive or in the position where she might thing that every sexually adventurous thing that I'd do, might be because I'm trying to fulfill my multilover fantasy, other than just enjoying myself with her

 

also I would never ever consider it a loss to work on my relationship for years, wait and introduce a lot of sexual stuff into our lives prior to asking the question , because the maturity and the pleasure of other sexual spices are enough gain.

 

Km34, I know some couple live happily as monogamous, but it's not the wide rule, on the contrary I believe that many unhappy monogamous couples would be happier if they got other people in, for myself, this is what I want in my heart, and I love my wife above all so I'm ready to go all the journey with her even if the likelihood for it to happen was 1 % , because they journey itself is a huge gain.

 

I know 100% that non monogamy is not the answer for a wrecked marriage troubles, but I see it as the prize of a real solid healthy one

 

So the question here, would you guys help me throughout my journey, or are you going to be judgmental like other people we separated ourselves from and shut me off ?

[km34 672]

I'm not judging you, but I am telling you that if my husband had been thinking about swinging for long (as in more than a week or so) before bringing it up to me, I would have considered it him hiding it from me. If it was a fantasy that he never planned on trying to live, no, but if it was a fantasy he planned on addressing with me at some point, then yes.

 

Good luck to you. I won't chime in anymore since we come from very different viewpoints and I know you won't like what I have to say.

 

I hope everything turns out great for you and your wife.

[sonofearth 15]

No definitely not, I know that people are different and ofcourse I did not mean that your views are not valuable for me, on the contrary they opened my eyes to the idea that non telling for a while , might be though of as dishonesty, but the thing is it has its reasons as I said earlier, what I meant when I said to not be judgmental is to try to see things through my eyes.

for an example... how long have you been married before your husband asked you, would your answer be the same if he asked that question a month after your marriage?

 

Situations are different, so would the actions to be taken

 

but the absolute no no is to think that I don't want what you have to say, because this is what I'm here for, I'm here to share, to debate, to know about your experience

 

I'm absolutely needing everything you have to say

[km34 672]

We actually started swinging before we got married, and I'm the one that brought it up first. We started dating when I was 15, started swinging a few months after my 18th birthday, got married right after I turned 21. I'm 23 now. My bi-ness really settled in as a reality to me after high school, we talked about FMF, MFM, and I brought up swapping. At the beginning of the conversation we were just talking about general things we were interested in trying sexually - some bondage, D/s stuff, role playing, a wider variety of toys, etc. - by the end of it we were joining a site for swingers. Hubby had never even thought of being with another person as a possibility AT ALL until I brought it up as a way for us to explore ourselves together.

 

I didn't even really know there were many swingers still around until that conversation. There was no premeditation on either of our parts, it's just something we discovered together. Deep down neither of us ever really believed in monogamy (even though I grew up in a VERY strict Southern Baptist family), so we were lucky that we didn't hold the traditional moral code as infallible.

[corynlaine 118]

I have to agree with km34 here. The board gets these kinds ot threads in one shape or another on a regular basis and my feeling is this;

 

IF you have to come HERE - an internet board full of unknown people - to ask how to talk to your spouce about ANYTHING - then swinging is not for you!

Or at least not yet! I mean REALLY you don't have the confidence, honesty or communications with your spounce to say

"Hey hun I had a really horny dream about me you and xyz have you ever thought about something like that" then your delusional about thinking you're anywhere near ready to do it for real without negative consequences. I understand that you're nervous but still how are you planning to do this if you have to talk to us before you can talk to her?

[junglecouple 128]

Perhaps, just like "most" people are not natural born public speakers, many have a hesitation speaking up without a bit of coaching. I understand his question and concerns completely. He just doesn't want to say the wrong thing right out of the gate..

[Alura 2,775]

I'm just a hick Okie, but it seems to me the one aspect of a swinger marriage that stands out is that husband and wife have no fear to ask each other any question. My late wife and I made a promise to each other that we would never become angry at any question, no matter the subject, and that we'd always answer it completely, no matter how long it took. It served us well for thirty years.

 

"Sweetheart, I just found a really different website. Would you explore it with me, please?"

 

Alura

[angelkin 1,326]

Sonofearth, welcome to the forum. You are in the BEST place on the Internet to learn about swinging.

 

I think you and your wife are far, far away from ready to even have the conversation about adding more people to your marriage bed - however, I also think that you are a realistic man and I applaud you for posting your thoughts. The previous posters are right, marriage does not necessarily equal a stagnant sex life. BUT if your experiences before this relationship have included swinging, then you may get to that point.

 

The best advice I can give may seem different from the norm, but here it is: Let her always know that she is the apple of your eye, the source of your sexual pleasure, the one and only love in your life, that your relationship is of the utmost importance, her satisfaction (sexually and otherwise) is your foremost goal. Laying the groundwork in a marriage is the most important thing you can do. I don't necessarily see eye to eye with those who have said that not bringing this fantasy to light now is dishonest.

 

Go forward in your marriage, create the trust and love that is so integral to the swinging lifestyle (this will take years, but should be the natural course despite the idea of swinging). Once the foundation is laid, IF swinging is in the cards for you, the foundation will be strong and able to withstand the tremors that swinging may (likely) create. If you eventually bring it up and she is not intrigued with the idea, love her enough to accept that she is unwilling to step into the world of non-monogamy and honor her decision by continuing to love her and make her feel the depth of your commitment to her. The worst thing you could do is push her into something she is uncomfortable with sexually.

 

You will know if the time is ever right to bring up entering the swinging lifestyle. It might not ever be - if not, be accepting and understanding. If you bring it up and she is cold to the idea, allow it time to simmer - she may warm to it over time. Until then, love her and treat her as your queen.

 

I wish you all the best of luck in your wedded bliss. Enjoy this time for all the excitement, newness, and exploration it has to offer and leave swinging off the agenda for now. If you create a loving marriage, it could be in your future.

[cupl4fun 361]

I'm just a hick Okie, but it seems to me the one aspect of a swinger marriage that stands out is that husband and wife have no fear to ask each other any question. My late wife and I made a promise to each other that we would never become angry at any question, no matter the subject, and that we'd always answer it completely, no matter how long it took. It served us well for thirty years.

 

Very sound way to approach things Alura. We have been together almost seventeen years now and we could still learn from this thank you for sharing.

 

As far as the question goes, for us the conversation actually started by reading Penthouse Letters books together. We read one about a swinger couple, and I asked her if she thought she might ever like to actually try some of the things we had read about. She said, "I might", the rest is history. I am sure there are a million different ways to broach this subject though.

 

If you guys are newly married though I wouldn't personally worry so much about a plan. Relax, enjoy and see what happens, build a solid relationship (which has been mentioned and is great advice). You may find that you both grow into swinging naturally, or when things do start to get a little stagnant in bed, then you can revisit this issue. By then you will hopefully know your wife well enough to have a much better idea of how to bring the subject up.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I'm just a hick Okie, but it seems to me the one aspect of a swinger marriage that stands out is that husband and wife have no fear to ask each other any question. My late wife and I made a promise to each other that we would never become angry at any question. . .

Some are born with this sense, some acquire it, some learn it. Works any of these ways.

[sonofearth 15]

The best advice I can give may seem different from the norm, but here it is: Let her always know that she is the apple of your eye, the source of your sexual pleasure, the one and only love in your life, that your relationship is of the utmost importance, her satisfaction (sexually and otherwise) is your foremost goal. Laying the groundwork in a marriage is the most important thing you can do. I don't necessarily see eye to eye with those who have said that not bringing this fantasy to light now is dishonest.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about, I believe that bringing up the subject in the beginning of my marriage will only give the wrong msg, yes we have bee together for a year before marriage, but to ask that one month after marriage, I think is going to tackle up a lot of her natural female insecurities before I get the chance to assure her completely through building a solid marriage.

 

I'm thinking about doing exactly what you said Angelkin, I'm trying to be realistic, as for the advice of "you should just go and ask her bluntly" ...I really think that I would work for "A Hard yes rather than an Easy No"

 

you know guys what I thought about? ... I thought about building up the concept of Teaming up to meet a lady with my wife, I really got an interesting idea yesterday when I was flying with my wife to KSA .... but maybe I'll tell you about that in another post..

[Alura 2,775]

There is no better time than the beginning of a relationship to develop open communication. Mrs. Alura and I made our agreement on our second date.

 

No matter what aspect of swinging, it's better to "team up" with your wife to make things happen.

 

Alura

[prairieshadows 95]

Our advice would be to share your fantasies with her, and politely ask her to share her's with you. About swapping, sit down and talk with her about it, pay attention to her body language, and tone of her voice, because those can be big indicators of how she really feels about it. And if she says she may be interested, don't continue to prod about it, unless she wants to discuss it, give her time to think about it, but don't be pushy about wanting to do it, because if you do, she could reject it, or she may do it to get you to stop talking about it, but hate it and resent you for it. For us, it was something we'd seen actually in a porn video, and we started talking about it, and decided to give it a try, and that's how it got started for us. Something when you talk with her about it, reassure here that by no means are you pressuring her to do this, that you want to see what she thinks and feels about it.

[Just Passing By 140]

SonofEarth , Welcome to the Board.

 

Yes , this Board is about Swinging , and obviously is selfselecting that most of the members are favorable of playing with others in some form.

 

BUT , there is a lot in your basic assumptions that you have to reexamine. It is NOT a binary choice between Swinging and boring stagnent sex. There is an almost infinite variety of Sexual Adventures that two people can partake of.

 

Yes , there are some couples , like our KM34 , who fall into swinging nearly from their start , but a much larger percentage do so later. It may be a sterotype , but for various factors lots of couples do begin to explor swinging in their mid '30s .

 

For now , you need to communicate , expand your sexual horizons within the two of you , and communicate some more.