Leftovers

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Out of curiosity, have any of you felt like you were treated like the "leftover" couple? For example, a play couple would say that so-and-so wasn't available to play on a certain day and then turn it around and ask if you were then available for that day? Would that make you feel kind of like the 2nd or 3rd option and that they would rather play with someone else if they could?

[occ 148]

not yet but we are still fairly new in the lifestyle. i can imagine that happening at some point. i guess if as a 2nd or 3rd choice, but the chooser was still hot, it would be okay. good sex is fun regardless. but it is more fun to be first choice.

[angelkin 1,326]

Yeah, and we don't respond well to that. We prefer to be first choice or not at all.

[km34 672]

Hasn't happened to us, although I know we've done it to someone before. :/ Not purposefully, but we'd been trying to meet this couple for a month or so and we'd made plans - told our other friends/regular playmates that we weren't going to be hanging out that weekend since so-and-sos were finally free. Then a few days later, so-and-so's kid got sick and we called our regulars to hang out. I could tell it kind of bothered him that they were "second choice" that weekend, but hey, they'd had like 5 weekends in a row so I didn't feel too bad. If they'd been willing to get a sitter we would have invited them out in the first place along with the other couple!

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Yeah, and we don't respond well to that. We prefer to be first choice or not at all.

 

I brought it up with Mr. Sunbuckus and he told me that we should say that we're busy. I was a bit hurt that we were second choice so I was a bit more curt in my response because of it. I am glad to know that others have a similar opinion.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

If you get what YOU want.... Does it matter?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

If it's done deftly, I wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd take it as a compliment and go ahead if we didn't already have other plans. By deftly, I mean something along the lines of "Our previous plans fell through and when we thought about what we'd really actually like to do, we thought of you." Hard to say no to that.

 

However, having said that, most people just aren't that socially adept, so it's really best not to mention those previous plans at all, because most of us are likely to f*** it up and make others feel like second best afterthoughts.

[cupl4fun 361]

If you get what YOU want.... Does it matter?

 

We kind of agree with Biloxi here. We have been people's second choice before and we were not upset at all. All that means is we were number two on there list of couples they wanted to spend time with (pretty good honestly, unless you live in a town with three couples). Of all the couples and singles out there we were almost the top of their list. We took it as a compliment. Now if they had said something like, "We've been trying for years and just cant find a couple so we are gonna settle for you guys", then that would not go over too well with us. We want the people to actually want us, but if we are their second or third or fourth pick even they still want us, just not as badly as some other couples, but all of us play with second or third choice couples from time to time don't we? Until we get to play with Brad and Angelina aren't we all just settling anyway? LOL

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We haven't been obviously the second choice. But, I we've been in a situation where the couple asked us first, and we said no.. Then they immediately turned to the couple standing next to us and asked them.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

If it's done deftly, I wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd take it as a compliment and go ahead if we didn't already have other plans. By deftly, I mean something along the lines of "Our previous plans fell through and when we thought about what we'd really actually like to do, we thought of you." Hard to say no to that.

 

However, having said that, most people just aren't that socially adept, so it's really best not to mention those previous plans at all, because most of us are likely to f*** it up and make others feel like second best afterthoughts.

 

I have to agree with your post. It is mostly how it is presented and very rarely does it come out the way you so graciously put it. It was more of a, "So-so isn't available. So are you?" In the right situation, like JustAskJulie's where the couple just didn't want to play so they were looking for anyone who would, it wouldn't feel so off-putting. But knowing how many options there are kind of puts a damper on it. Mr. Sunbuckus liken the feeling to being a lap puppy begging for a few spare moments in the lap (us being the puppy, not the lap).

[cupl4fun 361]

We kind of agree with Biloxi here. We have been people's second choice before and we were not upset at all. All that means is we were number two on there list of couples they wanted to spend time with (pretty good honestly, unless you live in a town with three couples). Of all the couples and singles out there we were almost the top of their list. We took it as a compliment. Now if they had said something like, "We've been trying for years and just cant find a couple so we are gonna settle for you guys", then that would not go over too well with us. We want the people to actually want us, but if we are their second or third or fourth pick even they still want us, just not as badly as some other couples, but all of us play with second or third choice couples from time to time don't we? Until we get to play with Brad and Angelina aren't we all just settling anyway? LOL

 

Wow. No more posting late at night for me. The last part of that post made no damn sense. My apologies. What I meant to say is, as long as people actually "want" us, we don't mind being the second choice, or third, or fourth even. The fact that they called us still means they are interested and attracted. I am pretty sure that we all have played with a couple, at least once or twice, who was not our first choice (hopefully we were smart enough not to mention it to our potential playmates though).

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

It was more of a, "So-so isn't available. So are you?" In the right situation, like JustAskJulie's where the couple just didn't want to play so they were looking for anyone who would, it wouldn't feel so off-putting. But knowing how many options there are kind of puts a damper on it. Mr. Sunbuckus liken the feeling to being a lap puppy begging for a few spare moments in the lap (us being the puppy, not the lap).

 

Sometimes the things people say make me just want to smack my head. Stuff like this is so inept I'm surprised it doesn't light up the surrounding room with a big ole neon sign that says 'FAIL." It's usually caused by either brain freeze (it's tough to make yourself vulnerable by asking people to have sex with you) or what I call social Aspergers, which is really a momentary inability to feel what the other person feels.

 

Whatever causes it, it can feel icky to be on the receiving end and I'm sorry it happened to you.

[lustylearning 705]

Sure. Heck, with regular playmates we've dealt with plenty of "Not now, we're hunting wabbits." Once you're not new and shiny, you don't compete well with others who are. The trick is in remembering that you're no less valuable. Every once in awhile, you'll meet others who view you as a lucky penny (a favorite). It's lovely to feel that, but unless you're being exclusive, then at some point, "favorite" status gets trounced by new opportunity. I remember feeling a sizable irritation about that "second choice" sensation, till the guy of the couple pointed out to me, later, "You guys get so many opportunities to do what you want, and we get so few." After looking at it through his eyes, I was actually kind of ashamed of being so irritated.

 

I've gotta add, the idea of "settling"? Pffft... maybe it takes playing for years to feel this way, but if I'm playing at all, with anyone, I am damn sure not settling. I'm doing it because I want to.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to agree with your post. It is mostly how it is presented and very rarely does it come out the way you so graciously put it. It was more of a, "So-so isn't available. So are you?" In the right situation, like JustAskJulie's where the couple just didn't want to play so they were looking for anyone who would, it wouldn't feel so off-putting. But knowing how many options there are kind of puts a damper on it. Mr. Sunbuckus liken the feeling to being a lap puppy begging for a few spare moments in the lap (us being the puppy, not the lap).

 

I don't know, I it was still a bit off-putting. Itnot only made us feel like they were just out for anyone, but buti can't imagine it made the other couple feel like top choice either. I it was like "let's go door to door asking someone to fuck until we get a yes".

[JandC78 16]

We usually try not to tell other couples what our plans are for the weekend. That way if things change we can ask them if they are busy. Most of time if we have plans for the weekend with another couple and someone asks us if we are available, we basically tell them we have a family function or something of that nature. We have had a lot of people cancel the day before or the day or a meeting and dont want anyone to feel like they are a second choice.

 

Most of the time if someone asks and we have plans, we tell them we dont know if we can get a sitter, but if we can we will let them know.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I'm sure we've been second choice, maybe even third or forth. What does it matter if we're still a good choice and we all had fun? For as long as the other couple isn't taking one for the team then I'm perfectly okay with whatever # of choice we were for them.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We usually try not to tell other couples what our plans are for the weekend. That way if things change we can ask them if they are busy. Most of time if we have plans for the weekend with another couple and someone asks us if we are available, we basically tell them we have a family function or something of that nature. We have had a lot of people cancel the day before or the day or a meeting and dont want anyone to feel like they are a second choice.

 

Most of the time if someone asks and we have plans, we tell them we dont know if we can get a sitter, but if we can we will let them know.

 

I like how you work! Maybe we'll have to adopt a similar system.

[allaboutthemrs 84]

I know we are talking specifically about physical encounters but we deal with this issue and the hurt feelings associated much more often with vanilla friends than LS friends. Seems like our long term friends feel slighted every time we meet new friends and spend any amount of time hanging out, etc. with anyone but them. That said, we always end up hanging out again with our long term friends within a few days simply because we have so much in common and so much history.

 

Now to compound this issue is when our LS friends call we will nearly always choose them over even our closest vanilla friends and especially during the "getting to know each other" stage of a new friendship. Even if the LS friends aren't a physical connection we often prefer them because of the freedom we feel to say and do whatever comes to mind without worry about shocking, offending, etc. There is no way the vanillas can compete but we still love them.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . if the LS friends aren't a physical connection we often prefer them because of the freedom we feel to say and do whatever comes to mind without worry about shocking, offending, etc. There is no way the vanillas can compete but we still love them.

I expressed a similar sentiment in a recent post and it had a cool reception. So I'm glad that someone else has said it.

 

As for being made to feel second-in-line, I will match our feelings to at least one other person who answered; as long as they're interesting people, who cares? Would not have reacted well while we were first adapting ourselves to all of this. So maybe we've changed a bit.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Worrying about being someone else's 2nd, 3rd,...,Nth choice makes little sense given that your spouse is always your 1st choice. It's not prom night and, as SW_PA_Couple points out, what matters is whether the date was interesting and all felt good about it.