Anxious over his treatment of me

[Nat 15]

Hello Everyone, I joined this site yesterday because I don't know where to turn for advice or just to get make sense of what is going on.

 

I've been with my partner for 7 1/2 yrs, I love him dearly and would do anything for him, he's my world and I have always put him first. When we got together, a few months into our relationship he told me he visited swinging clubs when he was married and the reason he did this was because his sex life at home was boring. He assured me that was his past and in me he had found the perfection he had been looking for. Our relationship was great, sex life was brilliant, and nothing could possibly go wrong.

 

A few months later I noticed he was heavily into porn, constantly downloading porn, I wasn't concerned because I thought he's not doing anything behind my back and porn was ok. The relationship suddenly started to take a downwards turn, he became secretive and lied about his whereabouts, he'd put locks on his phone and computer, he'd set up various email accounts, bought new sim cards for existing old phones.

 

It became very messy and difficult for me to trust him and to pull our relationship back to what it was when we started out together. We split up 3 times over the years and a lot of it was influenced by him meeting people behind my back and being secretive, the lies, etc.

 

I had him back every time because of my love for him. He'd come back saying he'd made a mistake and loved me and didn't want swinging but little did I know that it continued like an addiction. Eventually I decided to give it a go because I didn't want to lose him but by now he'd got involved with a girl he'd met on a swinging site and they had become a couple unbeknown to me and again he left, that was two years ago. He threw himself into swinging full on with the girl and before too long became bored and came back swearing he would never want it again because he'd had enough.

 

We got back together and this time I dipped my toe. My first experience was with a couple at their home, it didn't go as I thought it would and I was left very upset by the experience.

 

We tried again a few weeks later and it was okay but the male party playing with me couldn't get it up. A few weeks later we started going to swinging clubs, however this left my partner angry and frustrated because I wouldn't initiate anything and I was too picky about who I would have sex with.

 

Last year we went to a sex club and it was very busy. My partner saw a couple he liked the look of and encouraged me to stand next to them hoping we would play. There were couples having sex all around us and my partner was physically shaking like an alcoholic wanting his next drink or a drug user wanting their next fix. I was shocked at my partner's physical reaction. I didn't realize it was like an addiction for him.

 

Anyway we didn't play and he came home in anger and low and behold he finished with me a few days later. A few weeks later we tried to make us work again and even went to Relate but he told me not to bring up the swinging. Relate helped us to communicate more.

 

Four months ago I lost my father and traveled abroad to his funeral. When I came back partner was kind and caring but he changed again last month. I agreed for him to go to sex clubs on his own as long as it didn't affect our relationship because I desperately needed his support right now.

 

The past two weeks have been hell; he's distant, unloving, uncaring, avoids me, and has decided to tell me that he was having sex with couples at sex clubs whilst I was attending my fathers funeral...that hurt like hell! He told me he'd been meeting couples whilst he's been away on courses whilst I've been grieving for my father and he may as well find someone who is more compatible to him and maybe a 'fuck buddy'.

 

I couldn't hurt more right now. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. Two days ago I was tidying the cupboards where partner keeps his paperwork and other bits, I found a phone I'd not seen before and on switching it on I found he had been sleeping with men, women, and couples since he split with me last year, during the counseling, and whilst I was at Dad's funeral. He has had a fuck buddy since last November.

 

I don't even know what to feel right now because I'm so numb.

 

I am hoping someone could try and understand whats going on with my partner and us and give me some advice.

[Learning 160]

I just pulled on my therapist hat here....honey, run, run, RUN! Unfortunately, he's addicted to sex. This is not swinging as its part of his addiction. If you respect yourself and want to live a happy life, leave, and get some counseling/support yourself. You deserve to be love and respected. If you stay...nothing will change. Let him go. Sex addiction is hard to treat. There's a great sex addiction group for partners on yahoo groups. I would also encourage you to look up Patrick Carnes. He's a therapist who wrote some great books on sex addiction which can explain and go further into depth for you.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

First of all, I'd like to welcome you to the board.

 

Now, two questions.

 

1. Do you want to stay in this relationship?

2. If so, why do you want to stay in this relationship?

 

Both are serious questions. I'm trying to see what you're getting out of the relationship that is so valuable you've been willing to deal with this behavior.

[losAmantes 318]

They took my therapist hat away years ago but I'll chime in anyway. I know this sounds crass, but the problem is not him; he is who he is. The problem is that you put up with this abuse for your own personal reasons; be it low self esteem, cultural tradition, or whatever. Only when your issues are resolved will you be able to see clearly where you are going in this relationship.

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'm going to ditto two4you and ask Why do you want to stay with this man?

 

I know it hurts, but you've largely done this to yourself by expecting that he would change over and over again. At the very least once you knew it was definitely an addiction (and it is in his case), by staying with him and supporting him, you are only enabling him. At this point, think of it as if he was addicted to drugs, you've over and over again given him chance after chance to give them up, he's said he would, he's gone through counseling, and made promise after promise and yet you continue to give him chance after chance to ruin your own life along with his. Then, finally, you say "ok, fine. do you drugs, I just don't want to know about it." That really is pretty much what you've gone through here, and the outcome really is about the same.

 

Let him go. You can't help him, and he's only bringing you down with him. He's not going to change, but you already are. You are hurting yourself.

 

Women have a long history of thinking we can "fix" a man. Many of us are attracted to "damaged goods", the way guys are to project cars. We think that with enough love from us that we can make them a better person. We can't. No one changes unless/until they want to change.

 

I don't know if he's continued to come running back to you, as much as you've run after him, but you need a clean break. No more do-overs. You need to let him go and move on and find someone who already is the great person you deserve.

[Alura 2,774]

A working relationship requires at least respect and communication. Your partner is capable of neither. There is nothing for you with him.

 

from Oklahoma, Nat. We're glad you've sought us out and hope you stay with us.

 

Alura

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I am hoping someone could try and understand whats going on with my partner and us and give me some advice.

 

Your partner is your partner. A liar, a cheater and a manipulator, one who is addicted to high risk sex, who cannot be consistently loving, trustworthy or adult. There's nothing wrong with that and it's not like he's ever been anything else.

 

Either accept it and the continued drama of a relationship that doesn't work (dunno why you would, but some people like an unhappy personal life) or give it up and move on. He won't change. He might want to, but very few of us get personalilty transplants (those who do generally have ended up in The Book of Saints and become martyrs.

 

Whatever choice you make, get some therapy.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I am nothing near a therapist so you can take this as an un-informered opinion. A story like yours comes occasionally to Swingersboard and I see the same thing each time. The person who describes the situation already knows the answer to the question. You are just wondering how to extract yourself from the situation. Can't help you with that. You must find you own way.

 

~Michael

[Alura 2,774]

You are just wondering how to extract yourself from the situation. Can't help you with that.

 

~Michael

 

I can. Re-key or change the lock on your front door, install a peep-hole if you haven't one already, and don't open the door when the son of a bitch comes around.

 

Question yourself frequently about why you put up with such abuse, and find an honest guy who knows (or is willing to learn) how to communicate.

 

Alura

[Just Passing By 140]

He is what he is. You can't change him, and the odds of him changing himself round off to zero. If there is any possable upside to remining in contact with him I can't think of it.

 

Depending on your situation either follow Alura's advise , or move yourself to new location , whichever works best for you. In either case follow up with Restraining Order if he doesn't get the message.

[JonMeg2112 126]

I knew very early in your post that it wasn't going to be good. When you said he had participated in the lifestyle when the sex life in his previous marriage was "boring" that was a HUGE red flag. Anyone who gets involved for that reason is doing it for the wrong reason. Swinging should never be to replace something you aren't getting. That doesn't mean you won't experience new things but those things are meant to be shared with each other and then perfected...WITH EACH OTHER!!

 

Sounds like what some here have said, that he's addicted to sex and he's doing this for himself. You should NEVER allow him to do anything because you want to make him happy or don't want to lose him. From what you posted it seems that this person is only concerned about himself. My initial reaction to that for you is to RUN!! Get out!!

 

So sorry you are dealing with this. Wishing you nothing but the best of luck in the future!!

[Nat 15]

Dear All, thank you so much for reading my story and replying. I am very emotionally exhausted right now to write much more but I will give an update tomorrow. I just wanted to thank you all for being so kind in trying to help me understand my situation.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

You've gotten some great responses and I can't add to them. I just wanted to say that my heart is with you at this time and I hope you find the strength to do what you know you need to do.

[slevin 1,374]

Agree with everyone else. What it boils down to is: you deserve better than this.

[Nat 15]

The past few days have been very difficult, I confronted my partner about the phone and he dismissed it as if it was nothing. He was still very distant and clearly his thoughts are not with me but also I don't know where or who his thoughts are with. He's gone away today for 4 days to spend time with his sister, there was very little conversation between us but one thing I did notice is that he's shaved and trimmed himself below. I asked him if he was going to swing with anyone because I just want him to be upfront but he became defensive. There was no genuine hug or kiss from him before he left. I have packed my bags ready to move out, it's very tough for me because I am still grieving for my dad and I will be alone for four days. My own family have distanced themselves from me for cultural reasons so I don't have support there. I haven't taken my stuff out of partners house because I genuinely don't know what to do, I know what everyone else has told me to do and that includes my friends where I live but it hurts being with him and it hurts being away from him.

 

Over the years I have put partner first, that's a lot to do with my cultural upbringing, I have tolerated a lot from him and having invested years of emotions into this relationship it is really painful to break away. Packing my bags is an enormous step for me. I am going to see how strong I feel tomorrow and if I feel strong enough to load the car and drive away.

 

I know my partner is who he is, it started with him telling me he was into swinging so I accepted that. Then he said he was bi-sexual and occasionally wanted to sleep with men so I accepted that, then I came across some crotchless knickers and tights and he admitted to them being his so I accepted that. Then he said he wanted me to give it a go and swing as a couple so I accepted that (and I must admit I met some lovely people who were so down to earth), then I found out having tried swinging with him he'd secretly set up a single profile on two swinging websites, I made him delete them but he didn't he now tells me, he'd hidden them and has them up and running again but won't let me see them, so I accepted that. During all this he still went behind my back and met with couples and singles and went to clubs. Hand on my heart now, I did enjoy a couple of encounters we'd had at the swinging club but I was very precise about the type of people I would swing with. My partner is easy, he's not very particular as long as he has his fun. This caused issues because I wouldn't lower my standards and he felt he was missing out. In the end due to the pressure from him I backed away from the scene this leading him to find a 'fuck buddy'. Whatever I accepted of him was never enough, my reason for being so accepting was because I loved him very deeply and dearly. I'm not a weak person, I work in an occupation which is demanding, difficult at times, stressful, I have to make on the spot decisions, I deal with obstructive, offensive, difficult individuals and I do my job well however, I will be the first to admit that I fall apart when it comes to dealing with something at an emotional level, that is my weakness.

 

If I'm honest I don't know much about swinging, how to get started, how to make a move, how to show an interest and this too led to problems because I'm a fairly attractive woman my partner thought we would get endless offers and expected me to make eye contact with people. The culture I come from women don't make eye contact with men who are strangers so this too led to problems.

 

For those of you who do swing, is my partners behaviour normal in the swinging sense?

[Alura 2,774]

No, Nat! It's not "normal." Swingers MUST communicate honestly within their relationship as well as with those with whom they swing. Your ex-partner does none of this.

 

He is not a swinger. He is an exploiter, and you are being exploited heartlessly.

 

Edit: You speak of cultural differences. Do you mind telling us under what culture you were brought up?

 

Alura

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

For those of you who do swing, is my partners behaviour normal in the swinging sense?

 

No. Not even close to normal.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Nat, the answer to your latest question is NO. But I have a feeling you already knew that but just wanted to hear that from other people. Please keep up your strength and motivation walk away. And even though the good people here on the forum can't physically support you, I am certain that a good amount of us here support you in spirit. Good luck.

[sweet_tna 680]

My advice to you, Nat. Is RUN, do not walk away from this man. He does not deserve someone as selfless as you've been. And you deserve better than someone who lies, cheats, and emotionally abuses you.

 

Swingers (those worth your time) are lovely people who want to enhance their relationships, not fix them. They communicate openly and honestly with each other, and genuinely love their spouses/partners.

 

Take some of that strength you normally use for your job and devote it to freeing yourself of this schmuck and moving ON with your life. You'll see that you're so much better off for it, once the dust has settled and you can see things more clearly.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

(HUGS)

[JonMeg2112 126]

No, his behavior is NOT normal amongst swingers. Not even close! There is always a small group of people who get into swinging for the wrong reasons and they (or their relationship) usually doesn't last long. The majority of folks in the lifestyle do this FOR EACH OTHER!!

 

It's obvious from your posts that your partner is doing only what he thinks is good for him. You have to muster up the strength to get out. Wishing you nothing but the best!!

[Swing*8701 887]

You really deserve better. In this case, the problem isn't you, it's him.

 

The fact he became defensive is an expression of lying, contempt and more for you.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Of course it isn't normal. Remember those lovely people you met whilst swinging? That's the norm. Couples who love one another and base their relationships firmly in respect, trust and communication.

 

Don't you deserve something like that too, whether you swing or not?

[Powerglide 235]

This man will never, ever be faithful to you. What he is doing is not swinging. What he is doing is cheating. If you stay with him, he will hurt you again and again and again. He will never be the person you want him to be. Never.

[slevin 1,374]

This man will never, ever be faithful to you. What he is doing is not swinging. What he is doing is cheating. If you stay with him, he will hurt you again and again and again. He will never be the person you want him to be. Never.

 

Also, his actions are emotionally manipulative and abusive.

[Alura 2,774]

Also, his actions are emotionally manipulative and abusive.

 

Childish and immature.

[Learning 160]

My mom told me something wise as a young gal "You can feel alone in a relationship even if you are with someone". Honey, you are alone in this relationship. There's only one, and it's you. Do you have any natural supports that you can turn to right now, just people out there in your life that you can turn to?

[Nat 15]

Alura, my parents were both born in India but migrated to the UK in the early 1960's. I was born in the UK and am a very westernised, liberal minded woman. I have taken the best of two cultures, east and west and I have been lucky enough to live my life the way I wanted to. Some cultural nurturing does stay with you, for example the eye contact issues, always putting your man first etc. Hope that helps, thanks for your support. x

[Nat 15]

Thank you all again for replying to my update, you are all really helping me to see more clearly and the support you are giving me is so appreciated. I never thought I would be helped by people who are a part of, may have been a part of the scene.

 

I have today packed my car because I did not receive any contact initiated by my partner whilst he has gone away to visit his sister. I did text to ask if he was okay and I received a very unemotional, detached message back. I rang him to ask him what his text was about and he just huffed and puffed and then he said 'Will you be at mine when I return, you can go to work from mine on Saturday'. I found this very strange considering he's ignored me for the past month and made my exisitence around him very traumatic.

 

My decision is to take most of my stuff back to my house, I will be at his this evening to see what he has to say to me if anything and tomorrow whilst he is at work I will remove the remainder of my belonging. I suppose the the good person in me still feels I should be dignified in the way I leave and I should tell him I don't want it anymore to his face, that said I may find it too emotionally difficult so my back up plan is to leave him a note.

 

I do have a couple of more questions. I gave my partner the freedom to go to swinging clubs as long as it did not affect our relationship but he maintained all the secretive behaviour by setting up single profiles on swinging sites, swinging behind my back, having a secret phone, having a 'fuck buddy etc. What I don't understand is having given him my blessing and the freedom to swing why would he switch off from me emotionally, keep me at a distant, avoid me, ignore me, barely speak to me? I know he disliked the fact that I wouldn't be as active as he wanted me to be in the scene but would that be enough to make a man turn the way he has?

 

Secondly, is swinging a mutually agreed thing between couples, by that I mean if one part of the couple doesn't want to anymore would the partner accept it and not swing also or would they carry on. Is it a take it or leave it thing as a couple?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Secondly, is swinging a mutually agreed thing between couples, by that I mean if one part of the couple doesn't want to anymore would the partner accept it and not swing also or would they carry on. Is it a take it or leave it thing as a couple?

 

I can't answer your first question about why he behaved as he did, but I can answer this one. We are in it as a couple. When one of us is ready to leave it behind, then we both will leave it behind. We both understand and accept that.

 

Good luck to you.

[slevin 1,374]

My bet on the first question is that he didn't get what he wanted, the way he wanted it. This is not a mature and emotionally stable way to react to things and is not an indicator of a happy relationship.

 

I think you are heading in the right direction, but you're only going half way. Right now you are inviting drama into your life by your actions. By moving most of your stuff out of his place you are guaranteeing that there will be a massive drama blowup when he returns. As soon as he sees your stuff is gone it's going to spark a big fight and lots of drama. I think it is better to either move nothing, or move everything. If you move everything then I suggest not being there when he returns. If you want to discuss this with him face to face, arrange to meet somewhere public to do that. Then go your separate ways.

[Alura 2,774]

Am I missing something that needs discussion? Your ex-partner is the worst kind of man. He takes what he wants for himself and will never care, much less allow, you to have any of your needs fulfilled. He also exhibits typical "red flags" of a spouse abuser. If he hasn't beaten you yet, it's just a matter of time before he "loses his temper" which he will say is your fault.

 

The question you need to ask yourself, Nat, is what exists in your psyche that allows you to be attracted to such a man?

 

BTW, I spent some time in India many years ago. Loved Jammu and Kashmir! I met my "girlfriend" (White Fox) in New Delhi in 1971, but had to flee back to Europe when the war with Pakistan broke out.

 

Alura

[JM153 346]

Nat, you pose an interesting question - Why would a man choose to be secretive when his partner tells him it is OK? I think this is usually because it is the secret that turns him on. What this means is it was not your reluctance to swing or your standards that has led him to this behavior. In order for him to get a kick out of it he has to hide it from you and then confess and blame you. This is not healthy behavior. As has been pointed out, by staying with him you are enabling him to continue this self destructive lifestyle. If you love him and you want to help him then you need to leave him. Staying or forgiving will not help him or you. Your actually following through and leaving for good may be enough of wake up call that he will get help and begin the healing process. It is also the first step in your own healing. I also suggest any confrontation be in public and preferably with one of your friends in the area in case he get physical. Wishing you the best.

[Powerglide 235]

Just want to chime in to agree with a couple of other posters. First, get ALL of your stuff out. If you don't, when you go to get the rest, he will just use the opportunity to make you as miserable as he can. That's because, second, the reason he treats you badly even thought you gave him permission to swing is that he gets off on treating you badly. He is an emotional sadist.

[Nat 15]

Dear All, an update on the latest.

 

My partner returned from his 4 days away on Friday. I arrived at his around 7pm and checked the garage to see if his motorbike was there as he had gone on his bike. It was and I checked to see how warm it was which it wasn't really, this told me he had been back for a while but did not contact me. On going into his house he was again distant, didn't hug or kiss me, walked about putting things away and said 'I've only just got back myself!' I thought you liar! Anyway, I tried to talk to him about our relationship but he wasn't interested, I could see in his eyes he was devoid of emotions and his face was expressionless. He told me we both needed space and should stay in out own homes. I asked if he had someone else and he said 'no but I wish I had so I could say what you wnated to hear!' He's lied before about not seeing anyone when he has been involved with a girl he met on a swinging site. The writing was on the wall really, the following day I removed all my belongings from his apartment and left him a letter saying how much I loved him but I could not go through the pain he was putting me through so soon after losing dad. I said I was walking out of his life and wished him well and with that I closed the door to his apartment for the last time.

 

It's been 3 days since I left and I am hurtin so so much, I can't even begin to tell you all the extent of my pain, I think it would be less painful to die than suffer this pain of loss. I have cried and cried and cried but I have not gone back. He rang, I didn't take his call so he text to thank me for posting his keys through and said take care. It just seems too much to be suffering two losses in such a short space of time.

 

Before I left his apartment I looked in the wash bag he took with him when he went away, inside was baby lotion and lube which indicated to me he was swinging even thought he told me he was going to visit his family.

 

Also I am seriously beginning to wonder if he is a closet gay. I know he's sleeping with men and he has crotchless underwear etc. He has also been visiting a place called 'the green room' here which is a men only swinging club. I've never known my now ex partner to use lube before when he was swinging with couples.

 

I also wanted to say you have all helped me loads to break away from my ex even though it is painful, you've been honest and upfront with your replies, you've tried to help me understand his behaviour is not normal. He did lay the blame at my door, he turned everything around and made me feel guilty and to blame for him being distant and disinterested. I hope I can get through this pain and be able to grieve properly for my dad and for the ending of my relationship and become dtronger for it. xxxxx

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

I do have a couple of more questions. I gave my partner the freedom to go to swinging clubs as long as it did not affect our relationship but he maintained all the secretive behaviour by setting up single profiles on swinging sites, swinging behind my back, having a secret phone, having a 'fuck buddy etc. What I don't understand is having given him my blessing and the freedom to swing why would he switch off from me emotionally, keep me at a distant, avoid me, ignore me, barely speak to me? I know he disliked the fact that I wouldn't be as active as he wanted me to be in the scene but would that be enough to make a man turn the way he has?

 

Secondly, is swinging a mutually agreed thing between couples, by that I mean if one part of the couple doesn't want to anymore would the partner accept it and not swing also or would they carry on. Is it a take it or leave it thing as a couple?

 

Nat, it's important to understand that what he's doing isn't swinging. Swinging is nothing like what he has done. He has a sex addiction and he doesn't care who he hurts. This is not different than if he was addicted to any other drug. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless of who he hurts.

 

To answer your question. If one partner no longer wants to continue and the other keeps doing it anyway without the other partners consent, it's no longer swinging, it's cheating. Sometimes one partner may decide they are no longer interested but are ok with their partner continuing on alone. That's all fine so long as everyone is comfortable and in agreement. What happens when one partner isn't interested any more depends on the couple. We recently went through a phase where I was physically not well and swinging just wasn't an option for me. I encouraged my hubby do to it without me, but he refused. I would likely do the same.

 

 

It's been 3 days since I left and I am hurtin so so much, I can't even begin to tell you all the extent of my pain, I think it would be less painful to die than suffer this pain of loss. I have cried and cried and cried but I have not gone back. He rang, I didn't take his call so he text to thank me for posting his keys through and said take care. It just seems too much to be suffering two losses in such a short space of time.

 

 

Ending a relationship always hurts. And you've already been through a lot so it will take some grieving to move past it. Allow for it. And, yes, you will be a much stronger person for it.

[Alura 2,774]

Wise choice, Nat! I'm proud of you. Please stay with us and join in the discussions. You have experience that will be valuable to share.

 

Alura

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm so sorry for your losses. You did the right thing and will be so much better off.

 

I would encourage you to get counseling and tested for STD's.

[Chicup 41]

I'm not sure the "gay" part is all that secret based on what you are telling us. Reminds me of a non swinging couple I knew years ago where the husband later turned out to be gay and hiding his lover. This came out of course and isn't worth discussing, but its the "emotionless" aspect of this which makes me think of that issue.

 

Either way, you gave too much, now you know, find someone who respects you as much as you respect them.

[JonMeg2112 126]

I hate to hear about the pain and loss you're feeling. It's fine to feel that way but he doesn't deserve more than another day of it. I promise you that he's not feeling the same pain you are. He may even pretend to but he seems like nothing more than a selfish manipulator. Be glad he gave you such an easy out when he said you both needed space. It's not an easy thing to do but the older you get in life the more you realize how much less time you should have spent thinking about an asshole like that. That's just me being brutally honest and trying to show you some "tough love".

 

Pick your head up and move on. You seem like a very sweet person and I'm certain you are destined to meet someone that truly deserves the love you are prepared to give someone. And that person will love and RESPECT you back. Good luck and keep checking in with us if you ever feel like it.

[Powerglide 235]

Nat, you did the right thing. Yes, it hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell for a while. Then it will only hurt like the outskirts of hell. But when you get to the other side, you will be so, so glad you ended this destructive thing. Keep hanging in and you'll be fine.

[sweet_tna 680]

Thanks for the update, Nat, and I'm glad to hear you made the right choice to leave him. I'm sorry you're hurting. The end of a relationship is a painful thing, but time does heal all wounds. Soon, I hope, you'll see that you're better off without him.

 

Why he treated you the way he did is of no importance, because he doesn't deserve that much of your time and effort. All you need to know is you did NOTHING wrong and (to reiterate Julie's point) that what he's doing is NOT swinging.

 

I hope your pain eases with each passing moment, and that you are able to find happiness with yourself first, and then in the arms of someone else.

 

Be well,

 

=)

[webgoddess 15]

I have past experience with a man who has a porn addiction (that would be my ex-husband). Unfortunately there's really no changing it. There is no tried-and-true treatment for it. And what I've found through my own experience and from the research I did on the internet regarding porn/sex addictions it only gets worse. They became bored with one level and have to take it further. Then become bored with that and have to take it even further. The final straw for me (even after all the pics that were depicting bestiality and incest) was the pics that displayed YOUNG girls. I turned him into the police and left him. The same thing goes for a sex addition...it can only get worse. If he cannot get at least some form of treatment for it...I'd say it's time to cut the ties.

[Nat 15]

Hi Everyone, just checking in.

 

Once again thank you for your love and support, you have all kept me going with your advice and perspective on things and it has been a tremendous help even though I still feel as if my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. It's been 5 days now since I left, I've had the occasional text from him saying I did the right thing by leaving and that he wants to live his life, try new things, keeping himself occupied, spending time with family etc. He says there is no one else and nobody waiting in the wings. Truthfully, every time he texts I feel a stab in the heart. He says he's not even been to the swinging club but I saw he went online on the gay swinging site.

 

For some bizzare reason I decided to swing alone, I registered my profile on a swinging site, had loads of offers, found it all exciting but then thought I need to sort my head out first so deleted the account. I don't even know why I did this, I think I was subconciously trying to be close to ex but I knew it was all wrong. I do enjoy sex, I always have and I do miss it, I guess I am human after all.

 

I am trying to sort myself out and I worry this relationship may have damaged me emotionally.

 

Webgoddess, you are right in saying it only gets worse, it did get worse and worse and worse. Ex would emotionally abandon me if he didn't get what he wanted and tortured me emotionally many times, he would switch off just like that as if I wasn't there. He hurt me beyond belief yet I continued to give and give and give. I see you are not too far from me, maybe we can meet to share stories about our ex's.

 

I did really like the idea of swinging when ex suggested it, I was open to it and found it quite exciting but he killed it for me because he put too much pressure on me, did things behind my back, was deceitful, lied, cheated, punished me emotionally if he didn't get his way, only loved me as long as his conditions were being met.

 

I have found the love and support on this site invaluable, it has helped me so much during my time of need. I will continue to support this site and participate and maybe start new topics as I do still have a few questions. xxx

[Alura 2,774]

I have past experience with a man who has a porn addiction (that would be my ex-husband). Unfortunately there's really no changing it. There is no tried-and-true treatment for it. And what I've found through my own experience and from the research I did on the internet regarding porn/sex addictions it only gets worse. They became bored with one level and have to take it further. Then become bored with that and have to take it even further. The final straw for me (even after all the pics that were depicting bestiality and incest) was the pics that displayed YOUNG girls. I turned him into the police and left him. The same thing goes for a sex addition...it can only get worse. If he cannot get at least some form of treatment for it...I'd say it's time to cut the ties.

 

from Oklahoma, Webgoddess! We're glad you've joined us. Please stop by the introductions forum and tell us more about yourself.

 

Alura

[Alura 2,774]

Hi Everyone, just checking in.

 

Once again thank you for your love and support, you have all kept me going with your advice and perspective on things and it has been a tremendous help even though I still feel as if my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. It's been 5 days now since I left, I've had the occasional text from him saying I did the right thing by leaving and that he wants to live his life, try new things, keeping himself occupied, spending time with family etc. He says there is no one else and nobody waiting in the wings. Truthfully, every time he texts I feel a stab in the heart. He says he's not even been to the swinging club but I saw he went online on the gay swinging site.

 

For some bizzare reason I decided to swing alone, I registered my profile on a swinging site, had loads of offers, found it all exciting but then thought I need to sort my head out first so deleted the account. I don't even know why I did this, I think I was subconciously trying to be close to ex but I knew it was all wrong. I do enjoy sex, I always have and I do miss it, I guess I am human after all.

 

I am trying to sort myself out and I worry this relationship may have damaged me emotionally.

 

Webgoddess, you are right in saying it only gets worse, it did get worse and worse and worse. Ex would emotionally abandon me if he didn't get what he wanted and tortured me emotionally many times, he would switch off just like that as if I wasn't there. He hurt me beyond belief yet I continued to give and give and give. I see you are not too far from me, maybe we can meet to share stories about our ex's.

 

I did really like the idea of swinging when ex suggested it, I was open to it and found it quite exciting but he killed it for me because he put too much pressure on me, did things behind my back, was deceitful, lied, cheated, punished me emotionally if he didn't get his way, only loved me as long as his conditions were being met.

 

I have found the love and support on this site invaluable, it has helped me so much during my time of need. I will continue to support this site and participate and maybe start new topics as I do still have a few questions. xxx

 

Hi, Nat!

 

Thanks for staying with us. You've already brought good additions to this board; I see even more in the future!

 

Alura

[Partyperks847 123]

If I can ask Nat, or if you know, what we he telling these couples, women and men about his circumstances? (If you covered it and I missed it I apologize)

[Nat 15]

Partyperks847, when I asked the ex that very question he told me he told everyone he was a single male. The profiles he's set up on swinging sites have always said he is a single male.

 

I had a counselling session today, it was so useful because the therapist also specialises in sex addiction. It was so good to hear someone put my ex's behaviour into a category and explain his emotional behaviour (or lack of it) in a therapist, clinical way, it all so made sense. I was made to realise the peoblem was not me but him, he is unable to love at an emotional level and his behaviour reflected that of a destructive person.

 

I seem to have had a more positive day today and I'm not missing him, if anything I'm disappointed in myself for allowing ex to make me accept and give in to so many of his demands. It's all over now, I can start to breathe again, the anxiety has lessened, I'm starting to eat a little more and sleep a little better. For someone who thought I would never leave him I'm so glad I empowered myself to walk away.

[Nat 15]

I have just started reading 50 Shades of Grey, omg Mr Grey is so my ex!!!

[slevin 1,374]

I have just started reading 50 Shades of Grey, omg Mr Grey is so my ex!!!

 

Dont get sucked into that book too far; from the summaries of the plot I've seen they have a very destructive and unhealthy relationship portrayed there. Don't let it romanticize what you went through.

[Partyperks847 123]

I have just started reading 50 Shades of Grey, omg Mr Grey is so my ex!!!

 

Be careful, if the 6th grade grammar and syntax doesn't get you, the implausible plot and the glorification of quasi rape will.