Your Thoughts about attachment

[Ready2JaM 17]

OK here is our situation. Mr Jam and I started to become interested in the lifestyle about 3 years ago. We met this one woman who ended up a little crazy (and an alcoholic) that ended after a very short encounter with her and her husband. No biggie there. Well next we began spending time with this one couple and at first we hit it off really well. They are very nice people and we did a lot with them in and out of the bedroom. We have kids the same age etc. Well, I believe she became very interested in Mr Jam. She would go and visit him at work during his 15 minute breaks, she would leave him treats on his car at work, text him all the time, and even came over to our house alone once while I was out of town (nothing happened and I was pissed), I confronted her about that and most of the rest calmed down, except for the texting. We have spaced ourselves from them quite a bit over the last 6 months and only talk to them occasionally and haven't swapped with them in at least that long. Mr Jam and I took a break and that's what we told them. Well, we want to start back again and I am hesitant to find people who want to be friends because of her over interest in Mr Jam. He says he doesn't see her interest but I keep telling him she had a thing for him. Anyway, should I be hesitant to find friends this way again? Or was this a one time thing? The other thing is since we are getting back into the lifestyle it is possible they will find out before long and I don't want to swap with them anymore because of what has transpired int he past, how do you get around that? TIA!!

[cupl4fun 361]

This is not a common thing. It does happen unfortunately, but from our experiences most swingers out there do not develop these stalkerish emotional attachments (we had it happen once with a single gentleman, but other than that not all). Most people are worried about this type of thing happening just like you are worried about it, so most tend to keep emotions out of it intentionally. If you start to see things occurring again with any new couples, I would just make sure that you guys respond a bit more quickly next time. Mrs. cupl would have hit the roof the first time she left a present (I would have just been scared because I have seen Fatal Attraction ) and we would have been done with them. It is always okay to set boundaries with any new playmates ahead of time and if you feel like those boundaries are being encroached upon, simply cut off contact. Which is what I would highly recommend for you guys as well as far as this couple goes. If you start up again, find some new people. I wouldn't do anything else with this couple. Your marriage and your comfort must be the highest priorities. Sorry to hear that you guys have had such bad luck

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I also agree that it is not that common for this to happen, but if you look for the same type of arrangement (that is, sharing a lot of vanilla/family time with a couple, only playing with one couple) then the risk is higher. I would branch out and find a few nice couples and space out the times that you see them. I would wait quite awhile before bringing family into your relationship with swing partners until you have a clearer idea of their intentions.

 

If the problem couple ask why you are no longer interested, you can just say you're moving in a different direction after your break or just tell them that her behavior made you uncomfortable. Maybe she would be able to respect specific boundaries in the future if you do want to stay friends with them. Your husband probably needs to be very clear about what type of communication is ok and not ok.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I don't know how common it is, but this is a situation that might have benefited from some very plain speaking - before your boundaries were crossed quite so dramatically. However, it's not too late to mention how uncomfortable the gifts and visits were if your return to swinging is brought up by the couple. It doesn't have to be accusatory or anything, just an explanation that you were uncomfortable and that you should have mentioned it then, when it was happening.

 

We have a couple that fit very well into our lives, but I have been down this road before and know to stay alert for things like possessiveness or a move from affection to infatuation. The conversations are never comfortable, but they're sometimes necessary.

[Ready2JaM 17]

Thanks for your replies. It just seems so many SLS profiles I read want to be friends too. At this point in time I am almost wanting to keep the two things separate because of what has happened. How do you get around the whole friends thing? I'm not saying that a friendship couldn't develop over time, but I don't know if I want that going in this time. How do you all feel about that, do you look for friends first and then playmates? or The other way around, playmates and if they end up being friends than great?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I hate to say it, but this is why my wife and I go to clubs. We go, meet some nice folks, hit it off, have fun no-strings-attached sex, say goodnight and leave. There's no expectation of more and if we never see the couple again, we're all fine with that. We have a nice memory of a fun night. We're not looking for friends.

[cupl4fun 361]

Yes, we mostly stick to clubs now as well. Not just for this reason, but it is a part of it. I think there is nothing wrong with being honest with people on SLS and telling them that while you are not necessarily opposed to friendship, mostly you would like to keep your friends and your playmates separate. I have seen many profiles like this.

[lizandtom 512]

He says he doesn't see her interest but I keep telling him she had a thing for him.

 

Well, we should hope she had a thing for him, and her husband a thing for you. After all, this is all supposed to be about feeling attractive to someone other than your spouse, and getting those little butterflies. Before you proceed back in any fashion, I think you ought to soul search your trust of your husband. After all, with your boundaries, he's the one you need to trust to make the constant right decisions, not anyone else. If you can't trust him to handle come on's in a way you're comfortable with, then you'll seemingly always be looking over his shoulder to see whether anyone's too interested in him. As an example, kudo's to my wife if any number of males of couples we play with text her dick pics, or text her hello once in a while; I trust her implicitly and know I'm always number one.

 

If I've misread your intention, then apologies, but it seemed like you have some hubby trust to work out first, before venturing out with others.

[Chicup 41]

None of my swing partners bring me chocolate.

 

I must be doing something wrong.

[Ready2JaM 17]

Well, we should hope she had a thing for him, and her husband a thing for you. After all, this is all supposed to be about feeling attractive to someone other than your spouse, and getting those little butterflies. Before you proceed back in any fashion, I think you ought to soul search your trust of your husband. After all, with your boundaries, he's the one you need to trust to make the constant right decisions, not anyone else. If you can't trust him to handle come on's in a way you're comfortable with, then you'll seemingly always be looking over his shoulder to see whether anyone's too interested in him. As an example, kudo's to my wife if any number of males of couples we play with text her dick pics, or text her hello once in a while; I trust her implicitly and know I'm always number one.

 

If I've misread your intention, then apologies, but it seemed like you have some hubby trust to work out first, before venturing out with others.

 

I trust my husband implicitly. That has nothing to do with it, I know he would never do anything without me. We have been together for a long time. He was more oblivious to her obsession than anything. I do trust him to handle come on's, but he didn't see it, I did. He is sitting next to me as I type this and said he still doesn't see it, he thought it was her being nice, lol.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

How do you all feel about that, do you look for friends first and then playmates? or The other way around, playmates and if they end up being friends than great?

 

For us, we want to have sex with folks we're attracted to on multiple levels and that means they have to have some of the qualities we look for in friends. If friendships develop after that, it's great.

 

It's at least remotely possible that your husband is right about the other woman. Unless he's terminally clueless about social cues...

[D&D 362]

We have received "thank you notes," etc., from swing partners and have occasionally brought a surprise to couples we are having a second go around with. My wife made some very good red velvet vagina cupcakes that we took to a couple whose husband was having a birthday on the day we met. It seems there is a difference though in what you are describing and what we have received or given. In our experience the "gifts" were given to us or to the couple not to just one of us or one of them. Knowing my own feelings, I would probably be uneasy if some one was dropping off gifts for my wife. It's not that I distrust my wife it's that we not looking for that kind of attachment with an individual. Texting, sharing pictures, phone call, can be a lot of fun but delivering chocolates, etc seems to take it beyond our comfort level. Of course I would have to add that like chicup, none of my swing partners has ever given me chocolates either so maybe.....

[losAmantes 318]

Swinging horror stories all seem to have one thing in common; they involve couples that got too friendly. Swinging is all about NSA sex with multiple partners, if you're seeing only one couple and you're spending a lot of vanilla time with them, it's not swinging. Most of us learned in high school that you never have sex with a friend (at least one you want to keep). Still we see profiles stating drivel like "friends first". Not to say we don't have some great lifestyle friends, just that we don't spend vanilla time with them. It's only sex, why do people make it so complicated?

[Alura 2,774]

Mr. Playmate once suggested to Mrs. Alura that she was his girlfriend. I didn't see any problem with what seemed an innocent remark but she did. She explained to him in no uncertain terms how she was his friend, but not his girlfriend and never would be. Then she gave him a royal fucking just to show her appreciation for his understanding.

 

Alura

[Ready2JaM 17]

I really appreciate the advice, I can tell yo that it was exclusively her bringing things to him at work. I never received anything from him or her, although one time her husband told me he considered all of us polyamorous, I absolutely did not and neither did my husband. I guess that should have been another red flag that they were looking for more than we were. I'm just worried now, if they discover we are back on the scene that they will want to play with us again and I don't want to go down that road with them again.

[Alura 2,774]

Is there a problem with simply telling them that y'all are uncomfortable with the closeness that developed? Why choose a lie over the truth when the latter would be easier to handle?

 

Alura

[Ready2JaM 17]

Is there a problem with simply telling them that y'all are uncomfortable with the closeness that developed? Why choose a lie over the truth when the latter would be easier to handle?

 

Alura

 

I'm afraid to hurt feelings and I am a very nonconfrontational person, I would rather avoid the problem all together. Which I know isn't healthy, just the way I am, lol. But that being said if it does come up, we need to be honest. Thanks

[DigginIt 1,132]

I had this really nice post and then IE decided to freeze up before I could hit post and so now I'm just going to respond with something simple.

 

Closeness is fine for us until is starts to feel uncomfortable. What is that point exactly? I'll let you know if I ever get there, lol, but suffice it to say that when either one of you start to feel something is amiss then it's time to step back.

 

I wouldn't let this deter you from anything as long as you and your husband are communicating then the problem is with others, not with you.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm afraid to hurt feelings and I am a very nonconfrontational person, I would rather avoid the problem all together. Which I know isn't healthy, just the way I am, lol. But that being said if it does come up, we need to be honest. Thanks

 

It seems to me it's too late to avoid the problem altogether. The problem exists. The only course of action now is to confront and solve it.

 

Alura

[lizandtom 512]

I really appreciate the advice, I can tell yo that it was exclusively her bringing things to him at work. I never received anything from him or her, although one time her husband told me he considered all of us polyamorous, I absolutely did not and neither did my husband. I guess that should have been another red flag that they were looking for more than we were. I'm just worried now, if they discover we are back on the scene that they will want to play with us again and I don't want to go down that road with them again.

 

Just go about your lifestyle business. If they try to cozy up to you if you see them, either 'be busy' that night with prior plans, or if you really don't have the chemistry with them anymore due to this, simply explain in a non mean way that you two have talked and just don't feel that there is the right 4 way chemistry. They will probably ask why. DO NOT go into any details; it always backfires and turns into a 'drama storm.' Everyone is an adult; not all adults are sexually compatible; they'll get that soon enough.

[JM153 346]

I agree, as usual, with the wisdom of Alura. If you are asked by them to get together than simply say no thank you. This does not have to be confrontational, just be matter of fact. They (or at least she) know why. But, if they insist on knowing why, then a simple we are just not comfortable playing with you. If they want to know why, then you can either say the chemistry is just not there anymore or that you were uncomfortable about her contacting your husband. They may be "shocked" that anyone would "misinterpret" her intentions and promise it will never happen again. Then a polite apology for the "misinterpretation," and you still are not interested. I think the closer you come to a calm, factual, non confrontational tone statement of the truth the better it will be. Let us know how it works out.

[Ready2JaM 17]

I will, we haven't made our profile public yet. We did change it up though since we hadn't been on our old one in about 2 years. I'm excited and so is my hubby to give it another go around. I think we have discussed boundaries more clearly now since this experience, which is good. We both learned a lesson that's for sure.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--Looks like they had different expectations for Swinging than you did. Well, first, as far as trouble coming your way, if there's ten things coming up the road at you, nine of them will hit the proverbial ditch. So, I'd start Playing again if you wanted to. If you run into them and they want to Swing with you simply say that you're focus is on new couples, despite having fun with them. You could even explain that it was obvious that they wanted a deeper connection and that does not fit in with your plans in the Lifestyle. If their feelings are hurt, well, you cannot do anything about that and odds are they will simply leave you be.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We focus on the fun first if friendship develops great. We have made some great friends this way. To me it seems like most of the drama occurs when you try to do everything at once.

 

As for Mr Jam not seeing her interest, we are often the most oblivious when it's us. Women see what other women do and get it and men are the same way towards men. If the roles were reversed he'd totally see it and probably have an issue with a guy acting the same way towards you (or you towards another guy) as this woman was towards him.