Which are you first: poly or a swinger?

[km34 672]

I assumed the question was in regards to Poly with an upper case P, in other words referring to those who identify themselves as Polyamorous FIRST with swingers as a secondary identity or discipline. (as is the case with hard core or 24/7 B&D, S&M, D/s and the like)

 

All I am saying is that in my experience, these folks have rules that are simply way too complicated for me. We are "lower case p" poly if you will. That doesnt mean our relationship is any less close or permanent, it just means we are not deeply engrained in the ways of the subculture

 

I thought this brought up a good question...

 

Right now, I am expressing my poly-ness much more than my swinger-ness. Mostly because I like the poly community here more than I like what I've seen of the swinger community, but also because my primary desires change over time. A year ago, I was all about the swinging, so the one that I'm most interested in or focused on changes based on a few factors.

 

Which do you consider yourself FIRST? Are you a swinger who also happens to be poly or a poly person who happens to swing? Or are both equal identities for you? Would you be able to give up one or the other (or both)?

[Partyperks847 123]

Needless to say based on the post that inspired the question, we are first and foremost swingers, we are frankly poly for lack of a better term.

There are those who say I am way too steeped on syntax and semantics, but IMO words and definitions matter.

Anytime like minded humans gather in the name of the mindset they share, rules and expectations be they passive or direct are inevitable.

We all 3 simply find ourselves more oriented to the ways of the swing lifestyle than the ways of the poly community

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Just stumbled across this post and though we would weigh in. We started thinking we were swingers...find a couple, have sex, move on to another couple. But we quickly found out that we were interested in more than that...it just felt empty. Both of us wanted more, we wanted to feel some connection with the other couple (neither of us were ever into one night stands in our separate lives). Sex without some connection didn't 'do' it for either of us. We were lucky however and one of the first experiences (actually the third couple we played with) we had was with another couple that we got along GREAT with. Things just clicked and fell into place. That was over a year ago and we have been dating them ever since. Being exclusive has never really come up (but both couples are exclusive to each other). We all seem to fill the needs of the others and it just 'works'. In hind sight, we wanted to be swingers but apparently were poly and just didn't know it.

[Tia Vampire 167]

A true swinger first. Don't know much about the poly world. Borrowing is fine but, at this time, don't think I could share on a permanent bases.

[NealnAnji 30]

We think that poly and swinger are two sides of the same coin, unless you are a purist. Both involve sexual play, partner swap and intercourse with the other couple's hubby/wife, bf/gf. Therefore, we are both polyamorous and swingers at the same time. Years ago, we made friends with a married couple (S&M) and Mrs S talked us into a 4sum m/f, m/f play for all sexual activities upto and including intercourse with each other's mate i.e., full partner swap. It started as a pure swinging relationship. Both ladies were hetero and great friends. So, no bi feelings or f/f sexual play there. We did not share a homestead, but became great friends where we shared mates for sex in a f/m/f 3sum on many ocassions. Perhaps, we could call it almost an open marriage. Over the years, we have had similar sexual realstionships with several other couples. This may not pass a purity test for poly, but that is where we are.

 

So, call it what you will. Our two cents for your comments.

[km34 672]

Both involve sexual play, partner swap and intercourse with the other couple's hubby/wife, bf/gf.

 

This is the only part that I really disagree. I think swinging and poly ARE very related, and there is probably a lot more overlap than people realize/admit. HOWEVER, the way I personally do poly is NOT with other couples. My husband and I date, fuck, etc. other people separately. It has nothing to do with us as a couple of the people we are involved with as a couple. There are exceptions, but for the most part it is entirely autonomous.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Well, we are not poly, so swinger first, second and last.

 

But I do see them as different things, like overlapping circles, rather than two sides of the same coin.

 

I think of poly as a long term emotional attachment with more than one partner.

 

I see swinging as NSA sex.

 

I think most swingers prefer to leave the emotional attachment part alone and just have great sex. And I have seen a few poly that think swinging is wrong, because it is sex with someone to whom you have no emotional connection.

 

There are poly folk that dabble in swinging and having sex with others outside their main SO's. And there are swingers that dabble in poly, finding relationships with deeper connections that last for a period of time.

 

In the end I have no problem with any of the above, it is about what works for you and you SO or SOs.

[NealnAnji 30]

This is the only part that I really disagree. I think swinging and poly ARE very related, and there is probably a lot more overlap than people realize/admit. HOWEVER, the way I personally do poly is NOT with other couples. My husband and I date, fuck, etc. other people separately. It has nothing to do with us as a couple of the people we are involved with as a couple. There are exceptions, but for the most part it is entirely autonomous.

 

We fully agree that swinging and poly relationships are very related and sometimes inseparable. The couple connection is not necessary, but most times happens to bring a poly relationship into focus. We have had many of wife's gfs asking to play and enjoy sex with my hubby without her husband present. So we do fuck and enjoy intercourse without any inhibitions. True swingers, of course, will refuse to play and fuck without his/her mate present. So we enjoy both poly and swinging and also group sex with variety of partners.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

True swingers, of course, will refuse to play and fuck without his/her mate present.

 

Um, no, can't agree with that. We have both played without the other present, and know many that do at least on occasion.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

True swingers, of course, will refuse to play and fuck without his/her mate present. So we enjoy both poly and swinging and also group sex with variety of partners.

 

This isn't true. Poly and swinging may be related, but the difference has nothing to do with whether both halves of a couple are present, whether the number adds up to three or five or 11, or, really, anything at all concerning the constitution of the group. In addition, swinging can be one offs, a couples version of FWBs, a closed group, where nobody plays outside the group or any other arrangement that works for the people involved, without ever verging into poly territory.

 

The difference between the two is one of emotional (rather than sexual) attachment and structure.

[Sundog 24]

I'm soooo grateful that this site has a forum for the poly/swinger nexus.

 

I'm poly (married with a girlfriend), and am planning to make the leap to swinging at a club with my girlfriend in a few weeks (b-day present) . So, clearly I am first poly.

 

Haven't taken the plunge yet, so I don't understand how swingers can be NSA, but also maintain friendships with some they play with. It sounds a bit like trying to parse out the FWBs from the occasional lovers.

 

Maybe it's part of my kooky polyness, but the division between deep friendship and romantic love seems very small.