He asks do you always play together? Bad sign?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

A single guy contacted us. Nice enough note, said he read our profile, thought we had things in common... so I wrote back, let's exchange photos and chat. He replied asking if we always play as a couple?

 

Here's the thing. We don't always play together, but I don't want a single guy who is looking for one on one with me and might be willing to have a threesome if that means he can eventually get me alone. I feel like it's almost rude/poor judgement of him to ask about one on one when our profile makes no mention of playing separately. But, then I think, at least he's being open and it never hurts to ask.

 

I simply replied that we like to play together. Should I talk to him further or just drop it? Do you think it's poor protocol to ask about one on one before you've even met?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I'll bite but please, take my thoughts with a grain of salt since I don't play with single males and only have a hall pass when Mr. Sunbuckus gives me one.

 

Unless you two have open hall passes for anyone, call it an open marriage, I would be wary of this one. Obviously, he would prefer to play with your one-on-one, which is why he asked. I'm not sure how other couples who play with single males feel or what they prefer to do but I am sure the majority use single males for threesomes. In my opinion, this guy doesn't really understand the couple dynamic of adding others in their sexy time and respecting them as a couple. I think he wants to play with as many women as he can, possibly separately. *shrugs* But like I said, it's just my opinion and I don't have too much experience with the single males in the LS.

 

I don't know if it's poor protocol to ask up front but I think it definitely shows what his play preference is without you learning down the road as a secret motive.

[slevin 1,374]

I think sunbuckus nailed it; this guy would prefer to play with you 1:1. I don't think it's poor protocol for him to ask if that is what he's looking for. It makes it easier for you to decide whether or not to proceed. I always appreciate it when people tip their hand like that; saves awkwardness later.

[M&S 266]

This may seem hasty, but our general approach to emails is if we get a creepy or questionable vibe from the first email, we do not pursue it. It sounds like you have doubts about his motivations so I, personally, would move on

[IEcouple 222]

Was that ALL he asked in that email? Or was it among other questions and answers?

 

Like others said, he probably figures it doesn't hurt to ask, although it sounds like might have been slightly tactless about it. Just tell him that you and your husband are interested in playing together and leave it at that. If he brings it up again or is trying to pressure you, then drop him like a stone.

 

I agree with avoiding anyone who gives a creepy vibe, but it's also easy to misunderstand in emails. Some people don't type well, have poor grammar, or just don't realize they seem creepy. That is probably something that would come across over the phone though.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Was that ALL he asked in that email? Or was it among other questions and answers?

 

Like others said, he probably figures it doesn't hurt to ask, although it sounds like might have been slightly tactless about it. Just tell him that you and your husband are interested in playing together and leave it at that. If he brings it up again or is trying to pressure you, then drop him like a stone.

 

I agree with avoiding anyone who gives a creepy vibe, but it's also easy to misunderstand in emails. Some people don't type well, have poor grammar, or just don't realize they seem creepy. That is probably something that would come across over the phone though.

 

yes, that is all he said besides giving me his yahoo messenger id.

 

I replied back, yes we play together, leaving out the word always, but I think making it clear that we are not looking for one on one.

 

Thanks everyone!

[angelkin 1,326]

I think it's a fair question, maybe poorly timed, but a fair question to expect him to ask. If it were me, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to chat and see if any other red flags appear. If he's truly interested only in one on one interaction, he will soon lose interest don't you think?

[km34 672]

When guys ask us that I always say something like "We've played separately in the past, but it's rare and only happens after we BOTH know the person well and feel comfortable with the situation." We're a package deal at first (except for the few times when I have an active solo profile in which case people who contact me on there obviously KNOW I'm playing solo), and while it is actually not all that uncommon for me to go play with repeat playmates on my own it has only happened with one single guy in 5 years, and I really don't see that changing. No offense, single guys on here, but the ones we've happened across in real life have never been people I've wanted to meet solo - either they seem like they could get pushy, overly attached, or expect something that I am NOT going to give them (a lot of the single LS men I've met don't seem comfortable with a dominant woman so when they want to be with the "dirty slut" they aren't looking for me).

 

I generally do respond, though, and I see how they react to my response. If he says that's understandable and it was just curiosity and moves on or explains a specific situation (one guy wanted to go to a club at some point and going as a couple is cheaper than going as a single guy so he was wondering if I would be able to go to the club with him at some point) or something like that, then it's fine. If it seems like that's ALL he wants, we move on.

[ZAY 67]

Just out of curiosity, what was the purpose of leaving out the 'always'? Why wouldn't you have added it in order to REALLY drive the point home and leave him without any doubts?

[angelkin 1,326]

Just out of curiosity, what was the purpose of leaving out the 'always'? Why wouldn't you have added it in order to REALLY drive the point home and leave him without any doubts?

 

I will venture a guess here...because adding "always" would have been untruthful.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

After thinking about it for a bit, I don't really see a big deal in the question. He may want or prefer to play with you in a one on one situation, but that doesn't mean he's not interested and happy to be a part of a threesome, and keeping it that way.

 

We often have preferences that we don't get to enjoy, but still have a lot of fun doing those things that are a possibility.

[ZAY 67]

I will venture a guess here...because adding "always" would have been untruthful

 

But wouldn't it have been truthful where he is concerned? In other words she will not play with him without her husband. Unless she's leaving the door open to the possibility, in which case she should be 'truthful' about that.

[sweet_tna 680]

Is the fact that he only asked that question enough to affect your interest level? I would likely have answered him the way you did, leaving out the "always," since there have been exceptions to the rule. And unless one offers further explanation, it's easily implied.

 

If you're not too put off by that question, I'd see where things go. It may just have been ill timed, or that he figured there was no harm in asking. If anything else puts you ill at ease, then follow your gut.

 

=)

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Drop it. You have no history with him and nothing to lose or gain. You are in charge of your swinging.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'd just let it go. If I'm going to have a threesome I want it to be with people for whom it's sufficient unto itself rather than a second best thing done in order to see me solo later. So the question by itself would eliminate him, if that makes sense.

[GspotDPlover 84]

I think it's a fair question, maybe poorly timed, but a fair question to expect him to ask. If it were me, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to chat and see if any other red flags appear. If he's truly interested only in one on one interaction, he will soon lose interest don't you think?

 

I think this is just right. I have asked that question, several times in fact but only much later in the conversation unless the couple volunteered the information on their play locality habits. So long as the interested male respects whatever you tell him and goes forward then that alone should not be an issue.

 

I am most interested in 3somes+ but being with a woman 1on1 is nice for building chemistry, familiarity, and comfort, thus improving group sex too. I have not had the experience, but have read about and seen profiles for couples (I am sure many of you have) who go on a date separately but then bring the date home for the three or four of them to play together. No method is foolproof but I think this is a great idea too and one I would gladly welcome. If I have dinner or drinks with a wife and spend time just chatting and flirting, building sexual tension. Then going back to their place for the husband to watch us make out and start fucking as he joins in just flows naturally into the evening. This is clearly a big rush for the couple and I am getting excited just writing about it (I got sidetracked a bit there).

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My first thought was that if someone asks this question that is their end goal. So, whether or not to proceed, I guess, depends on the likelihood of whether or not you'd want to go there. I think your response to him was a good one and that you'll be able to best determine how to proceed based on how he responds. If he's accepting of that answer and moves on, all should be well. If he comes back with a "why" or becomes pushy it's time to move on and find someone else.

 

For those who may be wanting to ask that question of others and wondering when is a good time to do so, I'd say at least wait until after you've met them and know that you all want to play together at all. By, asking it before you even meet you put it out there that that's really all you want.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

A single guy contacted us. Nice enough note, said he read our profile, thought we had things in common... so I wrote back, let's exchange photos and chat. He replied asking if we always play as a couple.

 

Here's the thing. We don't always play together, but I don't want a single guy who is looking for one on one with me and might be willing to have a threesome if that means he can eventually get me alone. I feel like it's almost rude/poor judgment of him to ask about one on one when our profile makes no mention of playing separately. But, then I think, at least he's being open and it never hurts to ask.

 

I simply replied that we like to play together. Should I talk to him further or just drop it? Do you think it's poor protocol to ask about one on one before you've even met?

 

yes, that is all he said besides giving me his yahoo messenger id.

 

I replied back, yes we play together, leaving out the word always, but I think making it clear that we are not looking for one on one.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Here's a little follow-up: He replied back, "Very cool," and said he'd had great times with couples before. He also said he thinks it's important to discuss rules before meeting and asked what our rules are.

 

I feel good about this and am going to continue the conversation. I'll let you know if it goes anywhere. Thanks for all your input.

 

As for the question of why I didn't respond, "we always play together," Angelkin is correct. We've played alone in the past, probably will again at some point in the future. So always doesn't apply. I don't know him so I don't owe him a detailed explanation of rare circumstances for playing alone. Never say never, right?!

[M1F2KTJ 473]

You don't know if you don't ask. I consider it to be part of the getting to know you stage. Don't be hard on him. Be honest and give him a chance.

[Fun269indayton 15]

I'm not so sure it was not a reasonable question. As a couple, we have asked others on more that one occasion if they only played together or was separate play an option. I think if you are unsure about anything in this lifestyle the right thing to do is ask. It does not mean the other party will no longer have an interest if you don't answer a certain way. For us, it's never about trying to convince others that they need to do things a certain way but more about trying to learn the boundaries of others.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm not so sure it was not a reasonable question. As a couple, we have asked others on more that one occasion if they only played together or was separate play an option. I think if you are unsure about anything in this lifestyle the right thing to do is ask. It does not mean the other party will no longer have an interest if you don't answer a certain way. For us, it's never about trying to convince others that they need to do things a certain way but more about trying to learn the boundaries of others.

 

I think it's fine to ask after you've talked to someone for a bit, but questionable when it's a single guy and it's an opening line. I have not heard anything more from him, so we'll see.

[yourluvrman 28]

A single guy contacted us. Nice enough note, said he read our profile, thought we had things in common... so I wrote back, let's exchange photos and chat. He replied asking if we always play as a couple.

 

Here's the thing. We don't always play together, but I don't want a single guy who is looking for one on one with me and might be willing to have a threesome if that means he can eventually get me alone. I feel like it's almost rude/poor judgement of him to ask about one on one when our profile makes no mention of playing separately. But, then I think, at least he's being open and it never hurts to ask.

 

I simply replied that we like to play together. Should I talk to him further or just drop it? Do you think it's poor protocol to ask about one on one before you've even met?

 

Interesting. While I very rarely contact a couple, if we've begun communication, I am of the opinion that the more information the better. Open communication is crucial, so I do not think the question is in poor protocol.

[lovenestduo 74]

Better to get the tough questions that are important to you out early. We had a guy ask that after he'd already been with my wife. Even though I wasn't in the room and they had complete privacy, it wasn't enough for him. After the question he was asked to leave. Wouldn't have wasted the time if all of us were on the same page from the beginning.

[frontosa415 21]

Stay away

[angelkin 1,326]

Stay away

 

I still have to disagree here. OP, did the guy ever contact you again or did he lose interest once you said you played together?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Here's a little follow-up: He replied back, "Very cool," and said he'd had great times with couples before. He also said he thinks it's important to discuss rules before mtg and asked what our rules are.

 

I feel good about this and am going to continue the conversation. I'll let you know if it goes anywhere. Thanks for all your input.

 

As for the question of why I didn't respond, "we always play together," Angelkin is correct. We've played alone in the past, probably will again at some point in the future. So always doesn't apply. I don't know him so I don't owe him a detailed explanation of rare circumstances for playing alone. Never say never, right?!

 

We chatted and he is married, separated but still involved with wife.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We chatted and he is married, separated but still involved with wife.

 

How do you two feel about that? Are you two thinking of proceeding or not?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

No we prefer to avoid any possible drama, getting subpoenaed, etc so I told him to let us know when he's divorced.

 

I had a thread earlier this year about separated vs divorced and most sided with my husband that playing with separated individuals is a risk. Speaking from personal experience, we had a friend who was separated. It was a very messy situation. My husband said he'd introduce him to some swinger friends when the divorce was final. They got back together two days before it was final. Things are already not good between us because our friend aired all the dirty laundry to us and the rest of the town, if he had played with us it would be ten times worse, I'm sure.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

No we prefer to avoid any possible drama, getting subpoenaed, etc so I told him to let us know when he's divorced.

 

Good move!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

After thinking about it for a bit, I don't really see a big deal in the question. He may want or prefer to play with you in a one on one situation, but that doesn't mean he's not interested and happy to be a part of a threesome, and keeping it that way.

 

I found this thread interesting and thought it was worth a bump up. When we first starting swinging, being asked this would likely have caused us to shy away. Now that we have a little more experience though, we probably would have just taken it as a reason to proceed with a little extra caution than usual, but it wouldn't be a deal killer. Singles are entitled to their preferences just like anyone else, and if he/she prefers couples where there is the possibility of solo play along with group play, then better they state that up front rather than trying to lead into it later. Better for them, better for the couple. So, nowadays we'd probably at least award bonus points for honesty.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Since this was bumped, I thought I'd update since I was the OP. I haven't heard anything more from this guy so I don't know if he got divorced or stayed with his wife.

 

Some things have changed in the way I go about looking for single guys in the 3 years since starting this thread. I no longer IM or chat online. If I'm interested I tell them to come meet me at a monthly meet and greet. So, this scenario has not presented itself again.

 

I think this was a pretty interesting topic with a wide variety of opinions and I'd love to hear present day input!

[lotsoffun201 175]

It doesn't sound like he has much respect for your relationship. I say drop him. You have to gain respect and trust before asking to play alone the first time.

[enhancer 1,585]

Considering we have in bold print right on our profile we only play together that will kill any chance he might have had just asking! Still happens all the time though. We have a very low tolerance for people that do not read profiles.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In my opinion he was being honest and asking a "getting to know you" question. You should have given him, as an answer, the very thing you posted.

 

If you don't always play together he might be someone you might want to get to know. I think it's a good idea to get to know as much about a person before you meet as possible. It saves a lot of wasted time. IMO

[ExperienceNFun 23]

I would never ask this question, I think it signifies that you don't understand this is something most couples do TOGETHER, as 99% of the profiles state.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Interesting topic, and the range of responses is fascinating! funcoupledayton, thanks for the original post, as well as your updates along the way.

 

I was going to ask you whether he had indicated if he was OK with NOT playing separately (after all, what's good for the goose is good for the gander!), but you did raise that issue with him. The fact that he waited so long to disclose the fact that he was separated from his wife does seem a little bit sneaky to me. I think most people would like to know that pretty early on, as it reasonably might be a deal-breaker for a lot of people.

 

We met a single guy at a party one time, who asked about playing separately very soon after saying, "hello". We were not looking for single guys anyway, but the question did put my guard up.

[yourluvrman 28]

I would never ask this question, I think it signifies that you don't understand this is something most couples do TOGETHER, as 99% of the profiles state.

 

Exactly. I think it's bad form. I let the couple 'drive', and let them bring it up.

[gotaslowhand 20]

Hmmmm... a very interesting topic indeed!

 

So, I'm going to give the full single guy perspective here. I find that free and open communication is the best medicine when it comes to the "lifestyle" so that there is no confusion, no guessing and thus no hurt feelings or, by the same token, missed opportunities! With respect to playing with a couple, a single guy is generally at somewhat a disadvantage first, because we are a dime a dozen , second because if we make a simple misstep in a question or an answer we are tossed aside without a second thought, and third, we are a dime a dozen! That being said, I can certainly understand the plight of a couple looking for an MFM/MMF partner as I can only imagine the torrent of dick pics and one line offers (wanna fuck?). In the profiles I've posted (SLS, AFF, etc.) even though I make it abundantly clear the I am 1000% straight, I still get offers from gay/bi guys or couples that want me to compromise and play bi, so I can only guess at what straight guys ask

 

When I interact with a couple, be it through the male or the female, I always make it clear up front that I am there as an addition to their fun, not as a substitute, except for a couple that is playing as a hotwife/cuck, and then that is a completely different dynamic altogether. I've found that if I ask about every aspect of their expectations (3way, guy watching, 1-on-1, pics/vids, oral, anal, dp, dv, dom/sub, spanking, public, private, etc.) then there is no confusion. I let them know that they are in the driver's seat, not I (unless they hand me the wheel that is...). That I need to know EXACTLY how and where I fit into their fantasy and dynamic, and most importantly WHERE THE BOUNDARIES ARE (and which ones they would like to explore if any). I ask these things not to imply or suggest what I want them to do, but simply because I want to know their preferences... thus THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS! Every couple and person is different thus I've found to assume ANYTHING is a fool's game ---- so I ask, everything, every time, but as diplomatically and gently as I can muster (it's a dance after all!). If that intimidates or scares a couple (or a unicorn for that matter...) off, then it likely wasn't meant to be any way. C'est la vie!

 

I don't say this all to be brash or insensitive... I say this because it really sucks to be in the positions of wanting to really add to the fun for a couple (and I mean that with all sincerity!) and then get to the point where you are about to kiss this really hot woman, only to find that kissing is considered a no-no and be shown the door... (it happens!). I takes a lot to muster up the courage to interact intimately and sexually with another man's love in front of him (or with him), but the rewards are fantastic when it works! Yes, it is waaaaay easier to be solo with her, yes it is in some ways more fun because you can get much more intimate with her (if that is what she seeks), but being an accessory it pretty damn hot too! That being said, if at any moment I sense that the intimacy has started to cross the line and become an inappropriate level of affection that will compromise their relationship, I will put an end to the arrangement as that is not my goal, place or ethos. I won't make an issue of it, I will simply exit gently and diplomatically in such a way that I don't hurt either her or him, or their relationship. I am not a home wrecker.

 

Now, I'm not so naive as to not believe that some guys will do/say anything to get a piece of pussy... but there are some of us that won't. I have one couple with a wife that is incredibly sexy, perfect figure, loves all aspects of sex, but her husband wants to suck my cock after I'm finished... but that's just not me, so it's not going to happen. I'll hang out with them, go out for drinks, talk about anything, but I won't compromise my boundaries, and I don't expect them to either. There plenty of guys that will do what they want (well, maybe not so many because they keep coming back to me!), just like there are couples that only want a straight guy, so no harm no foul.

 

I hope this provides a little insight as to what is going through the depraved single guy mind. I know that it still may not answer to OP's question because from what I can glean he is definitely a bit more surreptitious than what I have laid out... so I wouldn't trust him...

 

GaSH