Told wife I would be interested in swinging : Reaction not good. LOL.

[PlayingPossum 19]

Hi everyone,

 

I found the board after some pillow talk with my wife late last week. We were tuned up and fantasizing and I told her that I could get off on watching her give herself to another guy.

 

I wasn't really trying to push us into swinging, I hadn't even given it any thought, I was just seeing what gets her revved up and trying to keep things spicy and new, which isn't always easy after 12 years of being with each other.

 

So it was kind of awkward that night, and we talked the next day about it when we weren't drunk. She seemed pretty shocked that night, but when we talked later she said she wasn't freaked out. I told her it was a fantasy that has rattled around my brain, but I wasn't pushing her to do anything. I also didn't deny that I would be open to the possibility if she was into it. She said she didn't think it was a good idea, that it would ruin our relationship, and that it would make it easier for us to justify cheating on each other deceitfully, etc. etc. All common and reasonable worries, I'm sure.

 

Anyway, long story short - that was a week ago. She has shown absolutely zero sex drive since then, which isn't like her, and she hasn't been nearly as affectionate or playful. Last night she came down stairs from a dead sleep and I had my pants around my ankles taking care of myself and she got upset about me masturbating! Called me a "weirdo". Mind you, she's caught masturbating at least a dozen times in a dozen years, and never had any reaction other than to laugh at my horny ass and either ignore or help, as her mood has struck her.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I'm looking for advice. Did I make a mistake in letting the genie out of the bottle? Can't put it back in now, right? Anyone else experience anything like this?

[PlayingPossum 19]

And to be clear, I know I'm on a swingers board, but I'm not really looking for advice on getting her to swing. That seems way out of the question at this point, I'm just wondering if I just hit the off switch on my wife and if anyone knows how to turn it back on.

[angelkin 1,326]

I think you just don't bring it up anymore at all and let her feelings run the course. Perhaps, and I am speculating here, the talk coupled with catching you masturbating has lead her to some feelings of insecurity and inadequacy...like maybe she isn't satisfying you anymore. I'd say step up your little compliments, reassure her without being too obvious that she is all you'll ever need sexually, give her some space, and wait it out. The "on" switch might get flipped back on. It sounds to me like she is withdrawing into herself.

 

AND, you never know, maybe after some thought, she'll suddenly declare that swinging is something she would consider.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I am really sorry you've had to face this. And, it's ok that you came here. You'll find that even though this is the Swingers Board, we are all people first. Swinging isn't for everyone (and we know that). We'd all rather see a vanilla couple happy than see them upset by the introduction of swinging.

 

It's funny how we pile things together. One thing alone might not bother us at all (you masturbating) but coupling it with her already being bothered by your fantasy, it struck a chord. We've had similar things happen in our own house. I think the best thing you can do is show her lots of love and affection (non-sexual). Let her know that she's your priority (sex or not) and that you will always be there. When she's open to talk a bit let her know that fantasies are just that - fantasies and need not mean anything more. As is often the case with conflict it might take a little time but with time and (the right) attention, all things heal.

[angelkin 1,326]

Geez- fingers typing ahead of manners...I failed to say I was sorry that you're in this pickle. Do stop back and let us know how this issue works out...which I have every confidence it will.

[swordsman 15]

Playingpossum, this is why I actually love this site. The advice you get for your own specific thing and from reading what others have gone through is absolutely stellar. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I'll let you in on a little secret about my wife of 12 years and I.

 

First, we are new to this and are still finding our own way, to the point that my wife is the only one to play with another so far, but it took a while to get here. About 3 years ago is when I finally told her of a similar fantasy while on a long drive. We were headed to a cabin for a vanilla over nighter with friends. We were talking of a friend who she knew who allowed her husband to step out as long as she knew about it. She said she didn't understand it and thought it was weird and asked my opinion. I told her it depended on the situation and finally told her my fantasy of her being with another guy. I even held back the part with me watching or being involved. But with her religious conservative back ground, she freaked out on me a little and told me that she wasn't sure we were compatible with each other any more. After doing a lot of what Julie and Angel have advised, a few weeks later we were able to talk about it on a more casual level and we have hinted and joked and fantasized about it ever since.

 

About 6 months ago, an opportunity for her to play arrived and after some coaching and reassurances from me, she has begun to softly play a bit. So, with patience, love and understanding on both parts, as well as lots of communication, LOTS AND LOTS, it may turn around. And than it may not, and you can live in that fantasy world which is fine too.

[PlayingPossum 19]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I do appreciate it. I'm not really that worried, she hasn't told me that she thought we weren't compatible or anything. That must have been pretty hard to hear swordsman. It's just a bit of a thaw, and I really already knew that my response would be to leave it alone, pretty much unless she mentions it.

 

Honestly, the word "swing" had never crossed my mind until she stopped dead in her tracks after I told her I could get off on watching her with another guy. She said "you wanna swing?" and started laughing nervously. It hadn't occurred to me that way, but she was right. I said "uh, yeah.....I guess I do". Looking at it now, and reading here, I may want to do that. I may not. I'm not sure, but I know that I wanna find some new ways to push her buttons, which will of course push mine. I'm a perv, I can get off on just about anything if my partner is into it. There have been some other things going on sexually that are new too, so I'm sure it's been a bit much to take in.

[ViSexual 1,008]

First of all, you're not a perv! You, and your wife, might be surprised at what percentage of men find it stimulating to think of their beloved wives having sex with another man. And, honestly, we all masturbate at times even when we have a spouse available.

 

You could simply let it dwindle away but you could also confront her on it. When something 'dwindles', it's like a fire still smoldering. It can always reignite late on. You know your wife so it's your call but I think I'd look for a sober opportunity to talk it out. Either way we all hope things work out for you, and her too, so your relationship can get back to normal. It's easy to fall in love but it's sometimes difficult to stay there.

[Chicup 41]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I do appreciate it. I'm not really that worried, she hasn't told me that she thought we weren't compatible or anything. That must have been pretty hard to hear swordsman. It's just a bit of a thaw, and I really already knew that my response would be to leave it alone, pretty much unless she mentions it.

 

Honestly, the word "swing" had never crossed my mind until she stopped dead in her tracks after I told her I could get off on watching her with another guy. She said "you wanna swing?" and started laughing nervously. It hadn't occurred to me that way, but she was right. I said "uh, yeah.....I guess I do". Looking at it now, and reading here, I may want to do that. I may not. I'm not sure, but I know that I wanna find some new ways to push her buttons, which will of course push mine. I'm a perv, I can get off on just about anything if my partner is into it. There have been some other things going on sexually that are new too, so I'm sure it's been a bit much to take in.

 

Be careful.

 

The enemy for you is the internet. So you brought it up to your wife, she was taken aback, she goes online, she finds one of the "swinging destroyed our marriage" type posts/sites etc, along with a heap of other misinformation.

 

Recently the Huffpo had a swinging article, it was negative, I posted in the comments, and it turns out the "expert" on how it affects your marriage was a DIVORCE lawyer. In HER experience it ALWAYS leads to divorce. Being idiots, they couldn't see why a divorce lawyer, you know the ones who ONLY see people who want a divorce might be getting a biased sample. She was being perfectly honest, but she was also obviously not very smart. Your wife finds that and suddenly she thinks your marriage in is in danger.

 

Explore the idea together, whatever you do.

[M&S 266]

I agree that it would be a good idea to do some investigation into swinging together. The difficulty is that most people who know anything at all about swinging are either very supportive or very opposed, so it is sometimes hard to get an objective read. I would fearbthatbif your wife is currently feeling a bit threatened by it, she would perceive any material by people,in and liking the lifestyle to be you trying to talk her into it. This may get her defensive.

 

I very recently had a vanilla friend ask about whether I thought it would be good for she and her husband to get into the lifestyle(will post separately on this later as it is an interesting dilemma) and I sent her a link to an old Sex Is Fun Podcast. It was a very early one where they interviewed a couple in the lifestyle. Because the interviews were not in the lifestyle, I thought it came across as very objective and not having an agenda. If you are interested, I think it was episode 26 or so

[PlayingPossum 19]

Resolution!

 

We had a really good talk last night. I told her I felt like I was freaking her out, that my more transparent sexual appetite was causing her to question things and feel vulnerable, blah, blah, blah.

 

Let her know that we're a team and that the only reason I said that is because I felt safe to say that to her, that I trusted her with my kink, etc. etc.

 

Then we fucked like rabbits for a few hours. Situation resolved. I feel so much better. LOL.

[angelkin 1,326]

That's great news!!! Thanks for coming back to tell us that things worked out:)

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

It's great that you mentioned being a team. That's very important. Something that so many couples suffer from is an inability to freely and openly communicate about your deepest (not darkest! Deepest!) thoughts. It is very important that couples that go down the path of 100% openness do so with the understanding that neither will be anything but supportive. You don't have to be receptive to an idea, but you can be supportive of the spouse who says it, and eschew making any negative comments. The open honesty that can come forth with this understanding is something that can draw you together in ways you never imagined possible. And it doesn't have to be about swinging, or lead to swinging; just being close.

 

Your wife may have been very deeply taken aback by your expressed fantasy. Sometimes a whole load of questions can suddenly pop out, questions with potential answers that are earth shaking to the marriage. "If he wants me to be with another man, maybe he's secretly wanting to be with another woman! Wait, maybe he already has someone in mind? I wonder who. Hmm..well there's Jane from work, Barbara that lives down the street...she's been pretty friendly lately. Maybe there's already an affair going on? I wonder how I could tell (in comes suspicion, distrust)...I caught him masturbating. I bet he was thinking about her! Even if he's not cheating...he wants me to be with another man? What kind of sick man did I marry anyway? Whatever happened to forsaking all others? Damn I'm actually a little turned on by it. I must be the sick one! Does he not care about me? Why does he want me with someone else? Is he secretly trying to get rid of me?" And on and on and on...you get the picture.

 

The best antidote to such things, the best way to put the genie back in the bottle...is to (a) get rid of the bottle and forget about keeping corners of your brain cut off from your spouse (and likewise), (b) make sure your spouse knows you're telling her everything, and © that you're always...always...on her team and always looking out for her best interests as well as that of your marriage.

 

It's great you had a good conversation. Just remember it's one step along life's journey. If you ever do get into swinging, it might be years. If it is something you really want to do, just think of it as the seed having been planted. You can't drag your wife along, she has to come along of her own accord, arm and arm with you.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

So glad that you came back and shared the resolution. Make up sex is a wonderful thing

[PlayingPossum 19]

Thank you to everyone for being so cool. I love this board. Even if we never bring anyone else into the relationship, I like the idea of honesty and communication and I can't see how that could be bad.

 

We had great sex tonight, and after the first romp, she started asking about my fantasies. I'm more interested in hers, especially because she is so reluctant to tell me, but I can't think of anything other than seeing her overcome with hands, lips and dicks now. She took it better. I can't imagine there will be a problem tomorrow, like the shock she got a couple of weeks ago.

 

After we got off to that, we laid about and talked and I asked about her fantasies. At this point, the sexual energy for both of us was gone. She said she was "less threatened" by the idea of her with a girl than a guy, and that she'd thought of it before, but she was afraid to tell me about it because I'd want to make it real. Mind you, this was my main fantasy for 11 years. We've talked about this.

 

I think that I've failed to create an open space in my life for my wife to get off and share it with me. I'm working on it, though.

 

I know this.....we aren't ready for swinging. I'm embarassed to say that after 11 years, my wife doesn't feel free to share her kink with me.

[applevenus 20]

I'm embarassed to say that after 11 years, my wife doesn't feel free to share her kink with me.

 

I don't think it's something to be embarassed about. My experience is that it has taken many years for my wife to feel comfortable sharing. It's frustrating but not embarassing.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I'm embarassed to say that after 11 years, my wife doesn't feel free to share her kink with me.

 

Don't be embarrassed. We're culturally indoctrinated not to talk about sex, especially kinky sex and "out of the norm" desires. I still have trouble sharing some of my fantasies with my wife, and we have a very open, honest and forthright relationship.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I'm not really "embarrassed", just disappointed that I've contributed to building that environment. It's whatever though, we're having fun now playing and getting a little wilder. We had got into such a rut of plain jane, vanilla sex. It was like going to see the same band every night and you know what song is coming after the next every time. Even if you love the songs, it takes a lot of the fun out of it. Kiss, kiss > finger, finger > fuck, fuck.

 

On a side note - I think that she is starting to think of this as some kind of cuck fantasy, by some of the comments she's made. That I want to see this because I'm insecure or something, or I want to be humiliated by it. That probably does seem pretty weird to her, even if it is fairly common in this community. I'm not after that at all. Maybe that's her kink though. LOL.

[Gordo 618]

Take some time and get her reading this and other threads here. Perhaps that will help her come to understand that it's a pretty common fantasy and not at all destructive if done properly.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I wouldn't feel bad. I think it's ok to have private fantasies. I share some things that I fantasize about with my husband but not all of them. Mine I find kind of embarrassing so I just like to keep it to myself.

[Gordo 618]

She said "you wanna swing?" and started laughing nervously.

 

And she knew this how? Perhaps she's not as innocent about the subject as you think.

[PlayingPossum 19]

And she knew this how? Perhaps she's not as innocent about the subject as you think.

 

 

You know, Gordo, I'm starting to get that idea. We were joking around the other night and got on the topic again, she said she felt like I really wanted this to happen and that if she said yes, I'd be right on it. I explained that I'm open to the idea, but not committed to it. If she said she wanted to, we'd talk about it and likely, we'd be talking about it for a while before we'd be doing anything with anyone. Then she said she feels like I want it bad and that she feels like someone is going to pop out of the closet or something. I laughed at her, mainly because I've been really trying to not bring the topic up, but yet it seems to keep coming up(someone elses brain is puttin in overtime, and it ain't me). I told her I think she might like that, because it would make it easier on her to do it. She admitted that she kind of liked that idea....I led her down the path a little bit and we talked about what that would be like and whatnot. LOL. Then I stopped and told her the truth....."if you want this, you're going to have to say you want it. I'm not pushing you into doing anything."

 

We've been having a lot of fun lately, it's definitely put a little kick back in our step around here.

 

And I pointed out this board - so if you're reading this baby, don't bother checking the closets unless you hid someone in there.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Then I stopped and told her the truth....."if you want this, you're going to have to say you want it. I'm not pushing you into doing anything."

 

We've been having a lot of fun lately, it's definitely put a little kick back in our step around here.

 

And I pointed out this board - so if you're reading this baby, don't bother checking the closets unless you hid someone in there.

 

I think that's so cute and you said the right thing. Mr. Sunbuckus did the same with me...he mentioned it, let me mull it over and let me be in charge of actually saying, "Yes, let's do this!"

[elizasnew 16]

I've responded in kind to a similar post, but I can't say enough about what finnally sharing our fantasies did for our relationship. It created more intimacy than we ever shared. .....leads to some pretty awesome ideas too!

Hope things keep getting better and better for you guys....

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

"if you want this, you're going to have to say you want it. I'm not pushing you into doing anything."

 

That's perfect! Not from a "Yeah guy that's the best way to get her on board" sort of perfect, but from a perspective of both of you being on the same page and going into this 100% together. Bravo!

 

Keep us posted

[PlayingPossum 19]

Thanks, I was pretty proud of myself actually. LOL. I'm really not into pushing this at all, it seems very complicated the more I read - especially so if its one partner who really wants it and the other who is doing it out of curiousity/trying to please their spouse.

 

I'm not down with that. We have sure been having fun with the idea of it though. Nice lovemaking this morning, then some carnal quickie fucking after talking about her FMF fantasy around lunch. Now its midnight and I'm trying to keep my eyes open to see if she has any energy left when she gets home tonight. Not sure things were this urgent even in the beginning of the relationship. Plus, it has really seemed to help us develop a new level of intimacy. She saw me eyeing up this older woman at the Target today, then I saw her eyeing her up in the parking lot - then she called me a perv! I wasn't even looking at her at that point, I was watching her watch her! Nice to be able to share that with your wife.

[angelkin 1,326]

Yes, enjoy that sharing...I know with us we frequently say "We wouldn't be having this conversation if we weren't swingers" LOL

[PlayingPossum 19]

Ok. This may be a sign.

 

We both had off work this morning, and the kids were in school. We had sex twice, with the second time coming about after talking about some fantasy shit. I told her for sure, that I was gonna jump her bones when she got home tonight. 3 times in 1 day would definitely tie a record for us, but I was so looking forward to it. She got home, laid on the other couch, didn't even give me a little affection, and then went about getting engrossed in her 50 shades of make believe novel, or whatever. I was at first excited that she was reading these, but seriously, she's obsessed now. As soon as there is one second to spare, she's into it. I know that wreaks of jealousy. I know. Of a book. Ridiculous.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I didn't even need sex, honestly. I just needed an acknowledgement that today was incredible, and it was, I think. Couldn't get it.

[PlayingPossum 19]

This will be my last post here.

 

It seems that I have a really good girl, I just needed to be reminded. We had a great talk tonight and I've come to the conclusion that she has really does have fantasies, they just aren't ones that we share, so there is no point. I'm pretty sure I'm actually not in her fantasies, despite her lame attempts to tell me otherwise, and since I want to keep her, I should probably get to be OK with this. After all, she's mine everyday in the REAL sense.

 

She fantasizes about love and life, and wraps it up into sex. . The sex isn't the main part of the fantasy and it's drawn out over a lot of time, plus I don't really even have a supporting role, best I can tell. We work different upstairs. I can't think of a single sexual situation that wouldn't be improved by her being in the room. She can't think of a single one that won't throw up a roadblock for her....even in her bi-fantasies, I'm the guy in the corner.

 

I'm gonna get to be ok with this, and I'm gonna close myself back off a bit, to be honest. I really do appreciate the responses though, at the very least, this last few weeks have helped her and I to understand how we're different.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I will understand if this gets moved over to the blog section....it's like dear fuckin' diary.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Well, I'm sorry we won't be hearing more from you. I hope the two of you keep talking and keep opening up, even if some of the things that come out are painful. I'd guess that eventually, once she's comfortable sharing everything with you, knowing that you'll keep on loving her, you won't be the guy in the corner. (Women can sometimes be weird that way. We sometimes need complete approval in order to be inclusive, otherwise we mentally fly solo. I don't know where it comes from, but it's a tough habit to break unless you're in a totally accepting relationship, where nothing is off limits.)

[M&S 266]

This will be my last post here.

 

It seems that I have a really good girl, I just needed to be reminded. We had a great talk tonight and I've come to the conclusion that she has really does have fantasies, they just aren't ones that we share, so there is no point. I'm pretty sure I'm actually not in her fantasies, despite her lame attempts to tell me otherwise, and since I want to keep her, I should probably get to be OK with this. After all, she's mine everyday in the REAL sense.

 

She fantasizes about love and life, and wraps it up into sex. . The sex isn't the main part of the fantasy and it's drawn out over a lot of time, plus I don't really even have a supporting role, best I can tell. We work different upstairs. I can't think of a single sexual situation that wouldn't be improved by her being in the room. She can't think of a single one that won't throw up a roadblock for her....even in her bi-fantasies, I'm the guy in the corner.

 

I'm gonna get to be ok with this, and I'm gonna close myself back off a bit, to be honest. I really do appreciate the responses though, at the very least, this last few weeks have helped her and I to understand how we're different.

 

A book I would really recommend for you is "A Billion Wicked Thoughts". It is a study of what men and women lust over and fantasize about. One of the messages that really comes out is that, generally, women and mens' minds work very differently when it comes to sexual fantasy.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

This will be my last post here.

 

I sincerely hope this is not the case.

 

The two of you have drunk from the cup of something most couples never even think about. It's spurred interesting discussions and had interesting outcomes in the two of you. This is a good thing. I think most, if not all, of us would be curious to see how things are between the two of you three, six, twelve months down the road. These are but footsteps. Regardless of where they lead, a few steps doesn't make a fully story.

 

Don't close the book on the new openness and honesty you have embraced with your wife. Do NOT close yourself back off.

 

I agree with others that posted; figuring out her fantasies isn't likely going to yield results you expect. Men and women really do think differently. Just because you're not plugged into her fantasies doesn't make things bad, and doesn't mean you're second place to everything in her fantasy world.

 

None of this has anything directly to do with swinging. It's about intimacy, communication, closeness, and the extreme depths of emotions that few people are willing or even able to share. The two of you have glimpsed into a different possibility and might be running scared from it. You're going off script; life doesn't teach you how to be like this. You're taught to live the dream, get married, have kids, retire. There's more to life than that, and deep down most of us know it. That's not a reason to despair of ever learning just how far your heart and soul can evolve.

 

I hope you stick around.

[Gordo 618]

1/ I'm pretty sure I'm actually not in her fantasies, despite her lame attempts to tell me otherwise,

2/ I don't really even have a supporting role, best I can tell.

3/ even in her bi-fantasies, I'm the guy in the corner.

 

These parts of your post just seem so wrong for a loving relationship. Perhaps some of the ladies will step in here. It seems impossible to me for a wife to have all her fantasies not include her S/O.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I shouldn't say she doesn't have fantasies about me, she says she does but she is completely unable to verbalize them. Today we were texting and I told her I had been thiinking about her all day, she asked me if they were kinky thoughts.

 

As if I would tell her now! Lol. Every single thing i've tried to spice up our sex life has been met with a "meh" at best, and derision at worst. If she wants honesty and real intimacy, she's gonna have to put herself out there a bit.

[slevin 1,374]

As if I would tell her now! Lol. Every single thing i've tried to spice up our sex life has been met with a "meh" at best, and derision at worst. If she wants honesty and real intimacy, she's gonna have to put herself out there a bit.

 

Some people really want their partner to take control and lead them into things. Often those people don't want to share their fantasies or desires, but prefer to have their partner take the lead. Maybe your wife is one of those people; talking about it and sharing is not of interest to her. Maybe she wants you to take the lead and make something happen?

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I shouldn't say she doesn't have fantasies about me, she says she does but she is completely unable to verbalize them. Today we were texting and I told her I had been thiinking about her all day, she asked me if they were kinky thoughts.

 

As if I would tell her now! Lol. Every single thing i've tried to spice up our sex life has been met with a "meh" at best, and derision at worst. If she wants honesty and real intimacy, she's gonna have to put herself out there a bit.

 

What? You're shutting yourself down from honesty and intimacy until she puts herself out there a bit?

 

Forgive me, I mean this with all kindness and no derision. But, this is absolutely the wrong way forward. There are sandbox fights that resolve better than this. You're a team. Act like it! You should be her biggest cheerleader, not standing on the sidelines saying "Nope, I'm not gonna be honest until you open up!" This is game playing, pure and simple, and is anathema to a successful relationship. Please, I beg of you, stop it now.

[PlayingPossum 19]

What? You're shutting yourself down from honesty and intimacy until she puts herself out there a bit?

 

Forgive me, I mean this with all kindness and no derision. But, this is absolutely the wrong way forward. There are sandbox fights that resolve better than this. You're a team. Act like it! You should be her biggest cheerleader, not standing on the sidelines saying "Nope, I'm not gonna be honest until you open up!" This is game playing, pure and simple, and is anathema to a successful relationship. Please, I beg of you, stop it now.

 

I'm thinking out loud here a bit, so you'll have to cut me some slack. I don't mean that we aren't going to communicate, we are, better than ever. As a matter of fact, we made a pact last night to make sure all media is off in the house for at least 1 hour every night, and that's good for us and the kids. No internet, no TV, no phones, just ourselves. She even suggested it, I think she may be lurking here, tbh. Hi baby!

 

I'm really talking specifically about the fantasy stuff, which is fun but isn't "our relationship". It's not that big of a deal, really. We went for a very long time without talking about those kinds of things(well, without her talking about them at all, and without me talking about them in explicit detail) and if she never related a secret hot thought to me from now to eternity, we'd be ok. We were ok all the way up to now, it's not a deal breaker.

 

I was feeling a bit hurt the other night when I posted that, but I'm mostly over it. I'll just blurt out whatever comes to mind, no filter. She always has the filter. I'm gonna filter things a bit better from now on when she wants to know whats going on in my head sexually, though, because it's no fun to be lay your thoughts out there and then have them invalidated as "not hot", and then not get much more than a peak at what is "hot" in her brain, aside from the things we already do. I think that's reasonable.

 

In the end, this is all sexual shit, and it's less than the icing on the cake, honestly. She's amazing, she works 60 hrs. a week, is an incredible mother, deals with me, and still surprises me in hot lingerie when I get home from work sometimes. We're more than good.

 

I think I was getting a bit out of line with pushing these new ideas, really. It's always gotta be fun, no matter what and making each other uncomfortable isn't fun.

[PlayingPossum 19]

Been a while since I update(I know, I said I wasn't going to at all, I lied).

 

We just got back from a week at the beach in an awesome house with 2 other families. One was my best friends family, the other her best friends family. The house was awesome, pool, hot tub, right on the beach.

 

We had an absolute blast all week, lots of boozing and late night hot tubbing after kiddies were knocked out. Lots of fun, kind of sexy environment, but it was all vanilla until the last night when her best friends family had to split a day early and we were left with just my buddy, his wife, and my wife and I.

 

We decided that last night there, we'd get good and snookered and have a righteous time. My buddy had been getting down right flirty with my wife, smacked her ass a couple of times and made comments. Ms. Possum obviously liked the attention and wasn't disgusted by him, so it didn't bother me. It seemed that his wife had definitely been trying to get flirty with me, unfortunately I'm simply not into her like that. We had all had a great time all week though, and my wife had mentioned earlier in the week that she did think that his wife was pretty hot. It kind of surprised me, because I don't see her like that, but we didn't dwell on it.

 

Fast forward to the last night again, we ran out of booze about 11 o'clock and I was ready to call it a night honestly. We had drank a good bit, I had a good buzz and didn't really need more. My wife agreed with me, but they pushed to get more booze and keep partying. I told him if he drove, I'd ride with him to the store(it was about 1/2 mile, but I wasn't taking the risk). On the drive, he said we should play some strip poker and get them naked. Sounded like a good idea to me. I asked what his wife would think about playing with mine, and he thought she'd be into it. I knew my wife would not be aggressive though, so I thought we could grease the wheels.

 

They loved the strip poker idea, we all got naked and had a helluva time. I proceeded to get much more drunk than I needed to be, as did the other guy. This is an important detail. At this point, I could direct nothing to make the evening go any which way. After we were all naked, we apparently went and got in the hot tub. I don't recall this, but judging by the beer cans surrounding it in the morning, I know it happened.

 

At some point we made our way back upstairs, and we went into our bedroom and started playing, door closed. She broke out her magic wand, which I do remember. I'm pretty sure I was talking shit to her about her wanting to fuck him and getting excited, and she seemed to be enjoying that, giving me a nice head job while she worked on herself with that amazing toy.

 

Next thing I know, the door goes slamming open and he's standing there naked and shit canned and asking us to come eat leftover foods with them. I was not expecting this at all, and I had no interest in eating leftover foods or whatever, so I got up and pushed him out of the bedroom and closed the door. As much fun as it was to push up against my fantasy(and possibly my wife's too, although she's never admitted to this), I really wasn't trying to swap with them for a lot of reasons that night, either, and looking back on it, I'm thinking thats what they had in mind.

 

The next day, we talked about what had happened. My wife said she was having fun with the partying and nakedness, something I don't think we've ever done with another couple. She also said she liked the attention she was getting. I asked her if she would have wanted to play with his wife that night, and she said "yeah, you should have got us playing truth or dare" (kudos to the poster that said she needs to be led into things). She also said though that my buddy started making her uncomfortable.

 

I thought she meant when he barged in on us playing, but she said it was in the hot tub. He was trying to get his toes up on her and play with her pussy. I wasn't immediately sure how I felt about this, but given a day to think about it, it's no big deal. I didn't ask whether she let him or not, and I kinda want to know but I don't want her to think I'm being judgemental about it. We were all drunk and having fun.

 

Long story even longer - we had a lot of fun brushing up against this fantasy the other night, but I'm glad that's all the further it went. It has already sparked some conversations between her and I about playing with other people, and whether or not we'd be open to it, but we certainly haven't worked through all of the issues. Had we allowed something to happen the other night, I could see all kinds of potential problems coming from it. She's still never admitted to me that having sex with another man is something she'd like to experience, and the talk of women has been mostly in the fantasy realm.

 

Anywho, thanks for reading. Comments certainly welcome.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Sounds like you had a good experience, stretched your comfort zones a little but not far and kept a clear enough head not to go over a line you didn't want to cross. Bravo.

 

I'd recommend watching the alcohol intake next time... but I'm a notorious teetotaler anyway. Still, I'm of the opinion that I'd rather remember all the fun stuff that happens than get buzzed. If I'm in a hot tube with flirty naked women I want to remember it, damn it!

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. May your next one, if there is one, be as good or better.

[PlayingPossum 19]

There's something happening here. Tonight, she decided she wanted to tie me up and tease the fuck out of me. It was incredible.

 

I really don't "need" anyone else, ever. But my logical brain says "why are you depriving each other?" She deserves to feel wanted and so do I.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I think women have an extra hurdle between them and swinging, namely our own and society's attitude toward "sluts." Our partners can really help with that by being open, approving and encouraging about whatever direction our sexuality takes. That is probably the most important step, after talking openly and often, toward women feeling empowered enough to consider swinging.

 

For many of us, it's not so much needing others as having a shared activity that enhances our own relationships and amps up already terrific sex.

[Chicup 41]

There's something happening here. Tonight, she decided she wanted to tie me up and tease the fuck out of me. It was incredible.

 

I really don't "need" anyone else, ever. But my logical brain says "why are you depriving each other?" She deserves to feel wanted and so do I.

 

Feeling wanted is great, but lets not sugar coat it.

 

Swinging is because fucking other people is fun. Its letting your genetics be happy, your very DNA wants you to have sex with multiple partners. Its why people cheat. Its why to be blunt new pussy > old pussy.

 

Being a swinger means separating the emotional attachment (and for those of you worried about higher powers that as well), from the physical fun. For us it brought us much closer, but thats because everything was good, we didn't have unfilled emotional needs, simply a desire to fuck around.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I'm not sure that we're on the same page, Chicup. I can separate the emotional aspects, I don't need love - you can't get it from someone you barely know, imo. Love is a thing you grow, not some thing that you just "have". It's shared experiences and shared lives.

 

But desire - there is nothing sexier in this world to me, than a woman that wants you as bad as you want her. Sexually. And of course, the excitement of not knowing what its gonna be like just amplifies the experience. I don't see any reason for us not to be able to share those kind of experiences, was my point. I understand I was type-vomiting and not being clear. I've kind of turned this thread into "dear diary", so sometimes it may not be well thought out.

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

I echo Lionheart72's comment about alcohol. When I was reading post #40 in this thread, I was thinking "Uh oh, here it comes". I was pleasantly surprised it didn't end up in a train wreck. But, many stories told here where things went badly are prefaced with "we drank a lot". Drinking to some excess of an evening once in a while is fine. So is swinging. Mix the two, and its usually a recipe for disaster.

 

Anyway...I suspect your wife is edging out of fantasy into reality on the idea of playing with another woman. She said it herself; she would have played with the wife of the other couple, probably with a bit of prompting.

 

Keep taking things slow. There's no race, no finish line.

[PlayingPossum 19]

I agree, that's why I was glad nothing really happened. We hang out with this couple a lot though, usually every other week we do dinner and drinks at one of our houses and they drink a lot. I'm not sure if this will be a good idea at all, we'll see. I'm a bit worried about my buddy respecting our boundaries actually, because I get the feeling from him trying to play with my wife in the hot tub, barging in on us fucking and Tuesday, he was texting my wife about seeing her naked - which they've never done before - that he won't be happy with just them playing and him not getting to have sex with my wife, if they were to mess around. But I'm not comfortable with doing a full swap with them, too much junk involved. If we were going to do that, I'd want it to be at a club or with new people we meet. Seems to me that working out how we feel about each other having sex with different people could get a little messy if we are also having to consider our relationship to them and their relationship to each other.

 

All this exploring and talking though, I'll say it again - it's thrown the switch on our love life at home. Tuesday she decided she wanted to tie me up and tease me. She's never done that before, it was fucking awesome. Then we switched, I tied her up and teased her for a bit. Got her really close to cumming a bunch, kept stopping and talking shit - made her beg to cum! It was hot as hell. Before I let her, I took out one of the dildos and worked her over good while she blew me. Not gonna lie, I'm hoping it sparks something in her brain. Then the Hitachi magic wand came out. She has incredible orgasms from that thing, but its so intense she usually stops after 1 or 2 good ones. I don't think she thought through being tied up, cause I wasn't stopping for nothing. Had to change the sheets after we got done that night, she soaked the bed probably 10 times. Possibly the best sex we've ever had and 11 years into the relationship. Life is good.

[NealnAnji 30]

We are glad that you have resolved the issue to some extent with your wife. Your situation is not unusual at all. There are a variety of reasons a married woman resists the idea of swinging , i.e., she having sex with another man while her husband has sex with another woman, who happens to be someone else's wife or gf.

 

The reasons for her resistance to nonmonagous sex could be manyfold-such as her upbringing, her and her family's beliefs, religious convictions, etc. nothing says that she may not change her mind, and, in due course decide to give it (sex with another guy) a try. The best strategy is to let it ride for now for as long as it takes, and the two of you enjoy sex with each other.

 

As they say, swinging is not for everyone. And you may have to live with the idea of nonmonagamous sex with another woman but are never able to fulfill your fantasy. But then again who knows. She might change her views and the two of you are able to enjoy sex with a variety of partners.

[Guest freeflyer200]

I think you found at least part of the key. At least it was for me. As a start. I realized in many ways my insecurity was a buzz kill and I had to stop it. I myself had to lay my fears aside to be the guide for her into new things. I know my wife and I know what I must do is plant seeds that take time to grow. I can't pressure her nor do I want to but some time or another she will respond and the notion will come up from her. She is impulsive and it will come that way. When it does I will be ready. I watched her in action one night at a bar we went to for music and she is amazing in her ability to approach strangers. When she tips over it will be amazing to watch.