How important is it to you that you like your partner's playmate?
By
Guest EastBayCouple, in Finding People to Swing With
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Similar Content
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By Fundamental Law
Following our recent LS cruise, we were discussing the couples we met who we really liked. Unsurprisingly (we've been together more than four decades) we keep coming to the same features.
It's not age, it's maturity.
It's not physical perfection, it's how they look after themselves.
It's not their (Myers Briggs) personality type, we gravitate to extroverts and introverts, knowers and sensers etc.
It's their authenticity.
It's how they treat each other.
It's their confidence in, and respect for, each other.
It's their joy in being with each other.
Call us old-fashioned. Or just call us old.
What makes a couple attractive to/for you?
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By Spoomonkey
This may be the most important thread for men in recent recorded history. In fact, it may be so important that I could be the first primate winner of the Noble Prize. Chances are, if you don’t find value in this thread you hate pie, cute babies and all the things that make our country great*
Here’s my theory about haunted houses. They really aren’t that scary. But, if you buy into them, they can be creepy as hell. Mrs Spoo and I love haunted houses because we know how to buy in, to really let ourselves be scared. And we always get our money’s worth!
You see, being scared is what the haunted house guys are trying to do, but I can spoil that simply by not letting myself get into it. Being scared, therefore, is not so much their job as it is mine. They are doing their part – and when I do mine, it is an amazing experience!
So – let’s apply that to sex.
Men – the good ones anyway – obsess about their equipment and/or ability to please a playmate. I know for me, I read as much stuff as I can, I work out, I try to make myself fun for the person I am lucky enough to be with (which is usually Mrs Spoo – and I consider that the greatest luck of all!) So – I will start with the assumption (which, admittedly, often doesn’t fit, but for most of the men around here, is probably workable) that the men are doing their part.
Where the theory comes in is with the women buying into the experience. I am quite sure that it is not me who gives a woman an orgasm as much as it is her who allows herself to have one. Women can certainly block the best efforts.
There are two keys to this (as I see it):
Chemistry, which is unpredictable and impossible to manipulate. It is either there, sometimes in the form of visible sparks, or it is not.
Comfort, which is just a positive rapport that two people have that makes each able to relax and enjoy a situation.
Both can increase the other, I think. Where there is chemistry there will be more comfort. Where there is comfort, chemistry can be found.
“Buying in” to the experience does not mean pretending you are enjoying lame sex. Not at all! There will always be lame experiences – mostly because I can’t make ever male read this, the most important thread in the history of the written word. But, for those of us who do read it, the questions are these:
What can a man do to help increase your comfort level?
What helps you relax in a situation and “buy in”?
That’s it! The answers to those questions – from women who are familiar with themselves and with what works, what doesn’t – are the Holy Grail that we men seek! It is not the dozens of penis enlargement spam we receive in our email every week. It is right here, in this thread. Your answers will raise this from the best board for swinging information on the net to the single greatest resource for mankind – a monolith of wisdom and evolutionary potential, ala 2001 – A Space Odyssey. Help us evolve, ladies. Help us help you
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By sunbuckus
I have heard from several members here that the more they get to know a couple, the less they want to have sex with them. Maybe we just haven't been fortunate enough to get to know a couple that well that it reaches that point or maybe I'm not wired that way. Or perhaps there's something else in play (like maybe they meant in terms of seeing them pick their nose or exhibit an unbecoming personality trait). However, for myself, I have found that the more we talk and get to know a couple, the more comfortable I feel with them and I'm more interested in engaging with them in sex. In fact, finding more about other couples almost endears them to me. I know that sounds too intimate but the more I get to know a person, the more I care about them as a person and their well-being. Even if we witness something that is a turn-off, it's even more of a reminder to me that they aren't perfect...not some unattainable, flawless couple who sits on their lofty pedestal.
Is this feeling felt more in those who are open to poly or is it not poly-specific? Is the desire of not wanting to know too much about another couple a "protective barrier" so feelings won't develop? Is it just the mindset that swinging is for sex and nothing else so everything outside of that is irrelevant? Or am I just looking too much into this? Please share your thoughts on the matter!
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By leftcoastcouple
In responding today to a post today by bear_n_bunny regarding open marriages vs. swinging, I referred to a related topic that Mrs. LC and I have long wondered about--how most swingers feel about getting to know their playmates vs. just hooking up for sex.
Mrs. LC and I fall somewhere in the middle. We're generally turned off by the prospect of what Erica Jong would have called a "zipless fuck"--nameless, entirely impersonal, etc.--and we avoid situations in that direction. Yet, we have no desire to build a relationship beforehand, either. The prospect of "dating" before playing in hopes that everyone gels on a personal level is something we don't want to deal with. Nor do we particularly want to be friends afterwards. We prefer to keep friends and playmates separate.
For us, if we meet, have dinner and/or drinks, and find basic chemistry exists, then that's all we need--or want, really.
So, we're curious where everyone else stands. Is it necessary for you to be "friends" before you play? Are you on the other end of the spectrum, preferring to play and then say goodbye? Or are you somewhere in the middle? We've seen folks express opinions all over the spectrum, and we're curious about the norm.
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By JustAskJulie
People sharing what questions they ask about potential playmates and sexual history has led to some very interesting thoughts and discussions. The one I found most interesting was the idea of "wild" people are not safe. Which of course led to the discussion of what constitutes being "wild". How many partners does it take for you to decide ok this person just has had too many partners for me to feel safe with them.
Are there other issues that constitute wild? At what point do you feel that you just can't trust your sexual health in the "hands" of this person or people?
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