Friend coerced into swinging

[LuckySOB 45]

I'm not sure if I want advice or just to get my thoughts into words, but it is what it is........

 

A couple of months ago a coworker and I started some pretty heavy flirting. I'm always a flirt, but this went just a bit farther than the typical so she and I had a discussion. Turns out that she and her husband are swingers and had recently decided to extend that to an open relationship. I'm pretty open minded, but not a swinger, so I thought what the hell and she and I had a couple of full-on physical encounters. At some point I explained to her that I not only found her physically attractive, but that she had a huge number of additional qualities that made her quite beautiful and I proceeded to list a few. I fancy myself pretty good at reading body language and she was practically ready to jump out of her skin while she listened to me talk. Later on I asked her about that and she said she was not used to hearing such wonderful things said about her and that if I wanted to continue I couldn't repeat them again and had to keep it strictly about how physically attractive she was. I confusedly agreed at that point.

 

After thinking about it though I changed my mind. She and I were supposed to be friends as well. If I couldn't tell her all the qualities I find attractive in her and have to constantly remind myself not to compliment her, what kind of a friendship is that? I confronted her with this and at that point the relationship was pretty much over. During that confrontation she FINALLY told me what she wanted. It was to quit swinging. She didn't like it and never wanted to do it in the first place. I asked her why then was she going out to any and all local events and setting up play times with other couples as often as possible. Short answer, her husband said he would leave her if she refused to swing. This made me physically ill. Her husband is essentially using her to get laid. Quite likely because the fu*ktard couldn't get laid on his own if he had a 12" dick and a billion dollars.

 

Has anybody else ever run into this? How did you handle it? I should run away as fast as I can and never look back. But I do care about her as a friend, if nothing else. This woman is very intelligent, but she got involved with this guy when she was very young and just out of a sh*t childhood basically. I think she sees this guy (I refuse to call him a man) with the same eyes of that teenage girl she was when she met him, instead of through the eyes of the woman she is now.

 

It also makes me feel ill that the sex she and I had she may have felt coerced into having because of her husband. I can't communicate just how sick it makes me feel to think that a woman had sex with me because she was coerced into it by her husband. Ugghhh!

 

Anwyay, again, not sure what I expect in posting this, but it does make me feel better to get it out there. I appreciate the time anyone takes to read this....

 

G.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Yes, putting something into words is therapeutic.

 

How to handle this? Run, run, run away from it.

[GspotDPlover 84]

Good grief. Messing up what could have been a wonderfuly erotic set of relationships. Wrong people to pull it off. As far as demonizing anyone's husband remember, sure he is a big stupid dickhead but she married him, what does that say about her? Do you think you are going to save her from him? If their marriage does fall apart, and she improves after this, god for her but make sure you are well clear of it falling apart. And if you have any self-respect and the least bit of common sense, do as SW PS Couple says and run for the hills!

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Run. Really, just run. Rescues don't work, and unless you're a big fan of drama without a happy ending, are no fun for anyone within blast range.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Good to get it out. Yes, it's a bad situation. No, there is nothing you can do except, perhaps, be a friend for her. Unfortunately, your sexual relationship with her will probably serve to confuse the issue more.

 

I will disagree to a limited extent with the other posters... running isn't the act of a friend, but IMO you do need to step back. My feeling and my experience tells me that you can't be her lover, not while she is going through this. If you can't step back and be a supportive friend - friend and not lover - then it would probably be better for you both if you withdrew. If you can, be a friend and be there for when she needs help. You can't help her unless she really wants your help. If you try, and she doesn't want your help, you will only make things worse.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I will disagree to a limited extent with the other posters... running isn't the act of a friend,.

 

I agree with Lionheart... What's different about your situation from other 'swinging' situations is that you were friends first. And, that friendship was real. Don't flirt with her anymore but do still support her. Be careful what you say about her husband and just encourage her to be more confident in herself. Oh, and pretend the sex never happened! Good luck to you and I hope she finds happiness!

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Good to get it out. Yes, it's a bad situation. No, there is nothing you can do except, perhaps, be a friend for her. Unfortunately, your sexual relationship with her will probably serve to confuse the issue more.

 

I will disagree to a limited extent with the other posters... running isn't the act of a friend, but IMO you do need to step back. My feeling and my experience tells me that you can't be her lover, not while she is going through this. If you can't step back and be a supportive friend - friend and not lover - then it would probably be better for you both if you withdrew. If you can, be a friend and be there for when she needs help. You can't help her unless she really wants your help. If you try, and she doesn't want your help, you will only make things worse.

 

I agree with Lionheart... What's different about your situation from other 'swinging' situations is that you were friends first. And, that friendship was real. Don't flirt with her anymore but do still support her. Be careful what you say about her husband and just encourage her to be more confident in herself. Oh, and pretend the sex never happened! Good luck to you and I hope she finds happiness!

 

I agree with Lionheart and ViSexual. Be a friend, not a lover. Don't badmouth the husband. Advise her to seek help. And let her know that throughout this, you feel it is best to have a non-sexual, friendship. If she wants to share with you how she feels and what's going on, then just listen. But don't ask her specifics unless she offers them up. If you have romantic feelings for her, now is not the time to share or show them. Clearly, she is going through enough without further convoluting the situation and having to take your romantic feelings into consideration.

 

You may also want to think about how this may or may not turn out. She may stay with her husband in the end and you will always have to just be a friend. If you can't handle that outcome, then you should definitely walk away if you are not able to keep just a friendship stance with her.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I'm in agreement with several of the last few posts.

 

One thing that was kind of touched on but not really said this bluntly is that there are always two sides to a story and the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle. When we tell people stories, we naturally tell the side of the tale that puts us in the best light because we want them to side with us.

 

Her mood probably changes with the wind. The first time she told you to stop is probably because she wigged out thinking you were developing feelings. The next time, she could have had a fight with her husband or even some jealousy that prompted her to be in a pissed off state wanting to stop swinging but you will never know for certain because you are only getting pieces, the ones she wants to share.

 

Either way, I have never believed that friends, even best friends (which you are not) have any place to give marital advice. It's the fastest way to lose a friendship.

[IEcouple 222]

So she didn't enjoy any of these physical encounters? It sounds to me like she was coerced into an open relationship, but that she willingly chose you with what seemed like good intentions.

 

Tell her that you're glad that your relationship is now based on honesty instead of deception, even if it means you aren't close anymore. Tell her that you'll support her if she needs help and that you won't bring up sex again as long as she's still with her husband. And MEAN IT.

 

I'm a firm believer that a person shouldn't leave one person for another. If a new potential partner causes someone to doubt their relationship, then the weakness in that relationship needs to be addressed first, one way or another. Give your opinion of what you think she should do if she asks, but otherwise stay out of it. It's up to her to figure out if her marriage is worth being in.

 

And for crying out loud, don't date coworkers! Too much drama.

[LuckySOB 45]

So she didn't enjoy any of these physical encounters? It sounds to me like she was coerced into an open relationship, but that she willingly chose you with what seemed like good intentions.

 

I hope so IE. The thought of someone having sex with me when it was not something they chose to do freely, without any form of coercion, is abhorrent to me. And I'd like to ask her about that again, since she didn't answer the first time, but I'm just going to let it lie. At this point the answer is irrelevant.

 

Thanks for all the other great replies! As it stands now I've decided to stay in contact with her, but on a more limited basis. I'll try and be her friend and that's where it'll stay. No physical relationship and quite likely not any one-on-one time together. Just texts and IMs. And I'm the last one that should be giving marital advice so that's off the table. I told her what I thought of her husband and that's the last word I'll say to her about him unless she explicitly asks for my opinion. Actually, given those restrictions on our relationship, I'll be surprised if it survives. I suspect it will slowly dwindle and that's fine.

 

I do take some slight exception to all the "two sides to the story" folks. I don't see any gray area here. If a wife tells her husband that she has no interest in swinging and then the husband tells her that he will leave her if she doesn't start swinging, knowing she's too weak to refuse given that threat, that is a form of abuse. Sorry, but there's just no way to "pretty that up" or to place any of the blame on her. Is she perfect? Absolutely not. She obviously has self esteem issues or when he told her that he would have found all his sh*t on the front lawn and the locks on the doors changed the next time he came home, but her faults in no way excuse what her husband has done and in fact her faults make what he has done even worse because he's taking advantage of those faults.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all the advice, whether I agree with it or not!

G.

[slevin 1,374]

I do take some slight exception to all the "two sides to the story" folks. I don't see any gray area here. If a wife tells her husband that she has no interest in swinging and then the husband tells her that he will leave her if she doesn't start swinging, knowing she's too weak to refuse given that threat, that is a form of abuse. Sorry, but there's just no way to "pretty that up" or to place any of the blame on her. Is she perfect? Absolutely not. She obviously has self esteem issues or when he told her that he would have found all his sh*t on the front lawn and the locks on the doors changed the next time he came home, but her faults in no way excuse what her husband has done and in fact her faults make what he has done even worse because he's taking advantage of those faults.

 

The "two sides to every story" comments were saying that she might have told you those details, but they may not be the whole truth. People will insert white lies into a story to make themselves come across better. Maybe she was telling the whole truth, maybe she was painting herself into the best light, maybe she was completely re-writing history. We don't know her, all we can do is respond with what we see. In my experience things are rarely as cut and dried as the seem when you only hear one side of the story.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I do take some slight exception to all the "two sides to the story" folks. I don't see any gray area here. If a wife tells her husband that she has no interest in swinging and then the husband tells her that he will leave her if she doesn't start swinging, knowing she's too weak to refuse given that threat, that is a form of abuse.

 

 

Let's recap the facts:

 

You are coworkers who started flirting.

She told you to keep it physical but you admittedly didn't.

You justified your behavior and made an excuse as to why you had the right to be disrespectful of her wishes.

 

How does that make you much different than her husband? Clearly you have gone against everything she has asked you to do and you don't care that you have done so.

 

My point, a little blunter than Slevin's is that people lie. Do you really believe that because you slept with her that she couldn't or wouldn't to you? In such a short period of time you have been able to surmise her entire relationship with her husband and pass judgement on him? You have accepted everything she has told you as gospel and you have not yet once thought to consider that she may not be telling you the truth.

 

I would be extremely sad if she was indeed being forced into doing anything she didn't want to do but at the same time, she seemed to lay the ground rules out to you pretty quickly. She seemed to enjoy the flirting with you enough to sleep with you. She didn't seem to dislike what she was doing that it prevented her from jumping in the sack with you. All I'm saying...everything doesn't add up.

[LuckySOB 45]

Let's recap the facts:

 

You are coworkers who started flirting.

She told you to keep it physical but you admittedly didn't.

You justified your behavior and made an excuse as to why you had the right to be disrespectful of her wishes.

 

How does that make you much different than her husband? Clearly you have gone against everything she has asked you to do and you don't care that you have done so.

 

Wow! Really? You don't see a difference in me being honest about my feelings with her, despite correctly assuming it would mean the end of our physical relationship, and what her husband is doing? I don't think I can answer that in a respectful manner so I'll just leave it at that.

 

My point, a little blunter than Slevin's is that people lie. Do you really believe that because you slept with her that she couldn't or wouldn't to you? In such a short period of time you have been able to surmise her entire relationship with her husband and pass judgement on him? You have accepted everything she has told you as gospel and you have not yet once thought to consider that she may not be telling you the truth.

 

The reason I believe her has nothing to do with having slept with her. That's irrelevant. It has to do with being a fairly decent judge of character, how it was said and the context in which it was said. There's also the fact that she really doesn't have any motive to lie to me about it. She's not trying to get me into a relationship with her or make me think more of her since I already explained that I thought highly of her. In fact, having told me what she did I'm pretty sure from my reaction that she knows I think less of her for not being strong enough to tell him she wouldn't do something like swinging if she didn't want to, no matter what threat he leveled at her.

 

And I'm not passing judgement on her entire relationship, just the swinging aspect. That's the only aspect I have any information on.

 

And it's not much of a stretch to think poorly of someone's character when they would do something like that.

 

I would be extremely sad if she was indeed being forced into doing anything she didn't want to do but at the same time, she seemed to lay the ground rules out to you pretty quickly. She seemed to enjoy the flirting with you enough to sleep with you. She didn't seem to dislike what she was doing that it prevented her from jumping in the sack with you. All I'm saying...everything doesn't add up.

 

Umm, that's NOT all you're saying, but, again, I'll let that drop.

 

I do agree that this confused me as well, and as I stated I asked her about it. Why was she sleeping with me if she didn't like swinging? She didn't answer that and at this point the answer doesn't matter. The answer would probably just upset me, and I suspect that's why she didn't answer it because she didn't want to upset me. My assumption is that she's confused about the whole thing herself, or even that she wanted to prove something to her husband. And she was right, either of those answers would've upset me.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Wow! Really? You don't see a difference in me being honest about my feelings with her, despite correctly assuming it would mean the end of our physical relationship, and what her husband is doing? I don't think I can answer that in a respectful manner so I'll just leave it at that.

 

You are a classic example of why swingers don't play with coworkers and shouldn't get involved with people that are not in the lifestyle. You don't get it and nothing I could probably say would change that. Yes, there is everything in the world wrong with telling a married woman you have feelings for her. Take the fact that the two of you had sex out of the equation and just look at your own actions. It is absolutely wrong.

 

Again, you are taking her word 100% at face value but you are not thinking objectively. Think about this for a moment, she flirted with you, slept with you and then AFTER you tell her you have feelings for her, she tells you she doesn't enjoy doing it and she does it because her husband makes her. Add in the fact that you work together. I have to call bullshit. That does bring me to another question...how are you coworkers...is she above you, are you above her...what is your work relationship because that again is another reason for not telling you the truth.

 

The reason I believe her has nothing to do with having slept with her. That's irrelevant.

 

Do you really believe that? Come on!

 

 

There's also the fact that she really doesn't have any motive to lie to me about it. She's not trying to get me into a relationship with her or make me think more of her since I already explained that I thought highly of her. In fact, having told me what she did I'm pretty sure from my reaction that she knows I think less of her for not being strong enough to tell him she wouldn't do something like swinging if she didn't want to, no matter what threat he leveled at her.

 

The fact that she has to work with you every single day. The fact that she needs to make sure that you don't disrupt things at work so she has to quit and find another job. She needs you to be sympathetic so that there isn't possible drama at work...she every reason to lie to you and none of them have to do with anything other than self preservation.

 

And I'm not passing judgement on her entire relationship, just the swinging aspect. That's the only aspect I have any information on.

 

You seem like a very nice guy, you really do but I really feel you are being very naive in this situation. You want to believe her but I'll go back to what I said. The facts just don't add up to a woman who is being forced to do something she doesn't want to do. Flirting with you and then taking it to sleeping with you at work shows no coercion. It shows to me that she was acting on her own free will and you have complicated the hell out of it by developing feelings for her.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I have been wanting to respond to the "two sides" issue but it was well said by slevin already. It is easy to dismiss the "other side" when you have deep emotional bonds with the opposite side. And when we meet people, we put our best foot forward, making ourselves look appealing to those around us. Those who are in an unhappy relationship will divulge details that will demonize their partner...especially to a third party who has feelings for them. It creates a sympathetic mood which strengthens the emotional bond between the "victim" and third party. I'm not saying the husband is a saint or that the wife is the villain but you don't know the couple's true relationship, their history, and what brought them to their current predicament. For all we know, she could have threatened to leave him first and taking something away from him that mattered to him. Or she could have been cheating on him before they started to "swing" and his "threat" to leave her if she didn't swing was because she had cheated and this was his way of trying to fix the situation to see if swinging would stop her from cheating. There are tons of other scenarios that could be at play and no one but they are privy to what is going on. It is very clear from your posts that you have more invested in your relationship with her than you may want to own up to and that you have passed great judgment upon the husband. All I ask is for you to try to step back, give her some space and try to clear your head. If she's as truthful as you imagine her to be, there will still be great drama that will involve them and your heartstrings. If she's not as forthcoming as some of us believe she is, then she may be playing you as a fool.

 

I leave you with this information: we know of a couple that have an open marriage. The wife goes out on dates with many men with the husband's knowledge. However, she does not tell these men that she's married and has children. I have no doubt in my mind that a few of these men have had their hearts broken by her. For all you know, this might be a game to her.

[Additude 457]

Pick and choose your fights.

 

What do you want out of your relationship with this woman? Why are you here now and taking your time to post about her tribulation?

 

Why do you feel that you should get so emotionally involved in this womans struggle with her marriage? She is a big girl, she can make decisions and choices.

 

Contrary to what you may think, she is not being forced to swing. If her husband did indeed threaten her with divorice, she still made the choice. She had other choices. She chose to stay with this "fu*ktard that couldn't get laid on his own if he had a 12" dick and a billion dollars".

 

 

So, if you want to stay involved with her and you know all these issues, then you figure out why you are there and then you can make a decision for yourself.

 

But don't complain about the decision you make, otherwise you'll just be looking for sympathy.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's hard to see a friend hurting. However, getting in the middle of this will not help her (or you). That doesn't mean you can't be there as a friend, but DON'T talk negatively about her husband to her. DON'T encourage her to leave him. I'm not saying she shouldn't, but if she does it has to be her decision.

 

A huge risk you take if you try to stay too close to her is that you may find yourself the fallback/rebound guy. You already have a sexual relationship with her, and a friendship. You need to keep clear boundaries (too late) with her. There is friendship that singles have and then there is friendship with married people. As a single, you don't understand this yet. But, from reading your post you are walking all over the boundaries between. As a single, any relationship (with another single) has a potential to be more, that is not the case when a married person has a friendship. It's hard to explain these differences as I really do think it's something you have to live to understand (and perhaps this is one of the reasons why many couples avoid playing with singles). My point is that as more problems develop with them (and they likely will) you do not want to risk being the blame for the issues. Their relationsihp needs to work itself out the way it will, without you being a part of it.

 

Back off from her. Be kind but restrict your relationship to strictly platonic acquaintance level. The typical level of relationship you would have with someone at work. Let her know that you can't get involved in their relationship. It was one thing when you thought that they were on the same page, but knowing that they are not, you can't be involved. When/if things fall apart between them, it has to be her choice. And while it's easy to say that she needs to a friend to talk to, you aren't that friend because you are no longer an ininvolved 3rd party.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

One other angle. How many Lifetime movies have you seen that start with a woman wanting out of a relationship (or wanting her husband dead) so she uses some innocent guy that she gets attached to her to make it happen (in some form or another). Unless you are inside the relationship, you don't know what's really going on. She may be being straight up honest with you, but again you are NOT the person to help her.