The green eyed monster.

[Cdnhotwife 71]

I am struggling on such a SIGNIFICANT level with jealousy. Yes, jealousy. It's so ridiculous to me. Let me give you the background...

 

Our first sexual experience was 10yrs ago. Another man came over and shared me. It was INCREDIBLE. I am a very sensual being, and I love sex. After that, we dabbled in swinging. For his 30th birthday, I arranged for us to fuck another couple. Her and I played (LOVE women), and then the men played with each other's women. I never felt jealous. I loved it.

 

In about 2006, we played with a couple we had played with many times before - and had become good friends with. Cept this time, it was a disaster. Mr.Cdnhotwife and I started out together... then basically he fucked the shit out of her while I lay there with other dude's finger up my ass. I felt abandoned. I specifically asked my honey to change things up, and that I wanted him to fuck me. So we moved around, and he told me to wait a second, and then fucked her again - this time to completion.

 

When my husband comes, that's it for a long time. So the couple went home. I cried and cried. I was SO hurt.

 

We stopped swinging for a long time after that - well, about two years. Then, I once again began to crave the attention and desire. Hubby and i were struggling to connect on an emotional level. And I started getting attention from one of our neighbours. We flirted, but nothing more.

 

One night, this neighbour came to a concert with me. We had dinner and drinks first, and then went to see the bands. During one of the songs, he kissed me - and I kissed him back. HARD. It didn't go further. But the raw attraction was there.

 

I then hid this from my husband. I didn't tell him. And I began to sneak around seeking time with the neighbour. I felt awful and yucky, but the attention was like a drug... I needed another fix.

 

Eventually, this came to a head. The neighbour started pressuring me to sleep with him, and I wouldn't do that to my husband. I LOVE my husband and don't want to be with anyone else. But, hubby was driven nuts with fits of jealousy and needing to understand why I was hiding this stuff... so he confronted me. It was ugly. We yelled and screamed and cried. BUT we got through that. In essense, it was an emotional affair. And hubby told me he would've rather I fucked him - it wouldn't hurt so much.

 

So now the hurt scale was equal. NO I didn't do it to even the playing field. I don't know why I hid it... i wanted that attention to continue and would've loved to have fucked our neighbour... but I didn't think hubby would be ok with it. Turns out I should've just asked...

 

So here we are, after all these years -- and we're playing again. We'd reopened our AFF account, and began looking. We were living in a new place, and had no idea what was out there.

 

During that time, I found THIS forum. I had gone to another province to visit my parents, and Mr.Cdnhotwife and I missed each other terribly. We masturbated on FaceTime with each other, etc... but after 5wks I was beside myself with sexual desire. As was HE! He encouraged me to use our AFF profile to find a man to fuck me where I was. It was SUCH a rush.

 

I had 3 hotwife experinces in the span of a week with the same FB. Hubby was exhilerated!! As was I

 

And when I got home, our sex life was incredible. Renewed. Our communication much more open.

 

And so began our experiences, again, with swinging. Hubby wanted to play too. I would love NOTHING more than for us to be the exact definition of a hotwife couple - but it's not going to happen. Hubby, too, has a sense of confidence that comes from playing. He now sees what I see, through the eyes of other women. He is sexy as hell. Has an above average sized cock which makes other women excited. He's GOOD at sex... he is amazing.

 

We played with a single guy a while back... and for the most part I played with the other guy while hubby watched, and made video. He told him to fuck me. We loved it.

 

We have recently become involved in a swinging GROUP. They hold parties once a month... we've now been to 3. (I have not had one HW experience since my time in Saskatchewan.)

 

The first party was a mess. Sure - we both fucked other people. But hubby stayed with ONE woman for way too long. I got up and left the hot tub and they were STILL together. Other's commented on the length of time. Then... he disappeared into a back room and I didn't know where he was, who he was with or what they were doing. My mind was reeling... and I cried all the way home. I cried when we talked about it for two days. But we talked through my concerns and said it'd be different next time.

 

The second party was different. I had my period so I wasn't playing. Hubby wasn't gonna play either - but this nagging feeling of guilt crept in and I suddenly felt like I needed to let him play - why shouldn't he be allowed just because i couldn't. So, he did. He stayed near me so I could watch him. But suddenly the woman he was with for a LONG time the last party -- was at his side, cuddling him non stop. Then they were kissing in the hot tub -- without fucking. And my heart broke. Again we talked and resolved my concerns.

 

honestly, I didn't want him to play with another woman again. But knew I couldn't ask that of him. I needed to push myself. He doesn't impose limits on me, so what the hell kind of a woman am I to impose limits on him? I am not insecure in our relationship - so why jealousy?

 

The last party was this past weekend. He and I played together with a couple, and then I played solo with two men - and hubby didn't play with anyone else. Problem is, people are already avoiding hubby because of me.

 

We've agreed to stop everything until we figure this out.

 

WHY on earth am I so jealous????

 

WHY do I not only not enjoy watching him with others, but am completely heart broken by it?

 

And honestly, it makes me NOT want to participate in HWing, because if he cannot, then neither should I...

 

Sigh - I don't know how to fix this, but I'm left feeling stupid Any insight would be great. Thanks in advance.

[Chicup 41]

Well I read the whole thing.

 

You already know your problems, you already know you are the one with the problem, and thats the sort of thing we often need to point out on the forum. So you are ahead of the usual post, and normally your post comes not from the wife but from the husband trying to figure out his wife.

 

So thats good.

 

The bad thing is that you are basically a selfish lover, you want the thrill yet you are jealous of your husband having the same. You are obviously very insecure with him which is why "hanging around another woman" makes you rage so much and cry all the way home. You are intelligent enough to know this, yet it is what it is, we don't get to pick our personalities and it takes a long time to change them. If you were brand new to swinging, I'd tell you it might pass, but with your history, if you were going to get over it I think you would be over it already. I am going to have to put you into the "not swinger material" category. This isn't a put down, I'm going to guess that many/most people fall into that category, and they can not control their jealousy (fear of loss).

 

So my first bit of advice would be to stop swinging, period.

 

My second is what worries me. You don't seem to have the same issue about yourself and playing, you don't feel you are cheating your husband. You came close to cheating already. I would be afraid that given time you will give into your "rush" against your husbands desires. Maybe he would be happy with the "hot wife" type of lifestyle, but that sounds iffy and really not in the least bit fair to him.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

honestly, I didn't want him to play with another woman again. But knew I couldn't ask that of him. I needed to push myself. He doesn't impose limits on me, so what the hell kind of a woman am I to impose limits on him? I am not insecure in our relationship - so why jealousy?

 

At a guess, because you're insecure in your relationship. You can't handle seeing your husband give attention to another woman. You want to swing, but you don't want him to. You acknowledge that it's unfair but you continue to play the drama card whenever he does.

 

Stop swinging. Now.

 

Be open and honest with your husband about your feelings. The two of you can work this out together.

[Cdnhotwife 71]

 

You already know your problems, you already know you are the one with the problem, and thats the sort of thing we often need to point out on the forum. So you are ahead of the usual post, and normally your post comes not from the wife but from the husband trying to figure out his wife.

 

So thats good.

 

I am very self aware. I *know* that the way I feel is irrational, and I KNOW that it's wrong. I know it's MY issues causing this, and I don't for a moment try to blame my husband. We do talk about everything openly... being part of the lifestyle has added to our communication tenfold. He knows how I feel. He knows that in the past, he's fucked up. He knows I don't enjoy watching him with another woman. But I *used* to. So am I just hanging onto past shit? Is that my problem? Honestly... we didn't swing or play at all for about 3 years and so I didn't have to face this stuff... and when we started back up again, it was to the PARTY scene, which let me tell you is a whole NEW dynamic.....

 

I am wondering if I'm expecting too much of myself. Seriously - our approach to swinging is completely different now than it was. And let's face it, I'm a woman so when I get emotional, I tend to over-analyze things and make mountains out of molehills. I can ADMIT that, and do - freely. I am not perfect. I am trying VERY hard to overcome these challenges... because while my husband doesn't DESIRE other women in that way - he does enjoy fucking them, having them get excited at his cock, having them say OW (haha, he's the biggest in this swingers group). And honestly, I think THAT is part of it, too... he gets *A LOT* of attention. Now... I'm a very attractive woman, and I get a lot of attention too -- but i'm not used to HIM being the one to get the attention. He has this new found confidence, and instead of being happy and beaming with pride at all the women swooning over the cock that I get to take home EVERY night with me -- I let it make me into a green eyed monster.

 

This is not someone I want to be.

 

This is not a way I wish to feel.

 

If anyone has any suggestions as to how the hell I should best approach this, to find a way THROUGH this, so my husband and I can both enjoy this - please enlighten me. We did at one time, and I know we can again... I just need to let go of whatever I'm holding onto. I have ZERO reason to be insecure. My husband loves me to the moon and back. We have a WONDERFUL marriage, a wonderful life together - two amazing children, FANTASTIC sex between the two of us... passion, devotion, admiration ---

 

So seriously, what the hell is my problem? LOL.... sigh.... I won't give up on this until I figure it out. Again, woman obsessing thing... (i hate being a woman sometimes!!!)

[km34 672]

Why not go back to playing one-on-one with other couples and singles? My husband has admitted that he has to make a very serious effort to not get over stimulated in a club/party environment, which could be part of your hubby's problem. He gets all this attention from multiple women at once, and his brain is so focused on the sexuality of that, that it forgets that it needs to be worrying about you and your enjoyment, too. Not really a great excuse, but biologically it's pretty easy for people in general to get overwhelmed when they are in highly sexual situations.

 

OR

 

Why can't you instigate a "we only play together" rule for a while to give yourselves time to get used to the new environment TOGETHER? Then it's not you sitting there watching or him sitting there watching, it's you both experiencing things together.

[slevin 1,374]

I don't know you, so this is a question and not an accusation. Do you like to be the center of attention? Is part of your issue because you want to be the one getting the attention? When your husband is with another woman he isn't paying you attention...

[Alura 2,774]

Perhaps your swinging experiences have been too similar, in action, to your lovemaking. Too often people are so used to making love with their spouses that they don't think that it could be quite different when fucking with other people.

 

My late wife and I had only one rule: "Do not make love with anyone else." It was a rule easy to adhere to because we didn't love anyone else.

 

We didn't go to clubs or parties. Our experiences were (mostly) with one other couple during which we swapped mates. Although the acts were similar, the deep emotional connection we had with each other was not there. Yes, the kisses were hot and the climaxes strong but there was a high level of mirth and laughter. We giggled, talked back and forth between outselves and our playmates, and had fun. My wife loved to "play to her audience," as she put it. She would make outrageous remarks while fucking Mr. Playmate, which usually had all four of us laughing out loud. Soon Mrs. PLaymate learned from her example and both ladies were louder and more vocal than they were with their husbands. The climaxes were real, but there was obviously no love being expressed.

 

Once, Mrs. Alura had finished Mr. Playmate orally. Her head was lying on his abdomen, his softening cock still in her mouth, when he started stroking her hair lovingly. It's the only time I experienced the pangs of jealousy in almost thirty years of swapping mates. Later, I told Laura about my feelings. She promised that she would never let it happen again. She made sure it didn't.

 

Fuck for fun, don't try to make love, and keep developing the communication. Y'all will be fine!

 

Alura

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

We've agreed to stop everything until we figure this out.

 

WHY on earth am I so jealous????

 

WHY do I not only not enjoy watching him with others, but am completely heart broken by it?

 

And honestly, it makes me NOT want to participate in HWing, because if he cannot, then neither should I...

 

Sigh - I don't know how to fix this, but I'm left feeling stupid Any insight would be great. Thanks in advance.

 

I'm guessing that when swinging has worked for you, you didn't feel at all threatened, or at least the attention you were getting from the other man was enough to overcome your feelings of lack. I also suspect that your love of HWing is part of your need for attention. All or most of the attention. And having your husband be into anyone makes you feel as if you're missing some of the attention, that it is going elsewhere, and you feel both threatened by that and as if something has been taken from you.

 

I'm not certain I'd call this jealousy. It's more - and I don't mean this unkindly - like the toddler who tantrums when Mom gives the new baby attention. Your being "heartbroken" is what makes me think that, btw. That's not a precisely adult response, absent illness, death or the end of a relationship.

 

We are what we are, with whatever broken places that we have, so I hope you treat yourself kindly, but do acknowledge that your need for attention has already made inroads in the stability of your marriage (the neighbor, your drama bombs and the complete unfairness of wanting the HW lifestyle without reciprocity) and will continue to do so if you don't get help. By help, I mean therapy of whatever sort works for you, whether it's cognitive, talk or a friend who will be very frank.

 

In the meantime, I'd suggest you continue staying away from any sex with outsiders.

[1hotyogamama 18]

I agree with Maui, have you thought about going to a marriage or sex therapist? Obviously it makes you unhappy and it sounds like to me that this pattern of behavior will continue unless you get some sort of outside help. Therapists won't judge, they're there to help you straighten things out. As stated above, stop swinging for now till you can get a handle on it.

[dpbklyn 9]

sorry to be blunt but i think you two where finished a long time ago

[Cdnhotwife 71]

sorry to be blunt but i think you two where finished a long time ago

 

LOL quite the statement to make to someone you don't know, someone who has given you a TINY WINDOW into her world, and who you've asked zero clarifying questions to. In addition to that, what a HORRIBLY terrible thing to suggest... marriage is hard work, but worthwhile work. We've had our ups and downs, but you know what? We've stayed - as love is a choice, first and foremost - and we're together forever because we want to be... good bad or ugly.

 

 

 

Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to give advice. I truly appreciate it all.

 

I think that I have discovered that this jealousy thing is merely a symptom to a bigger issue... and that is that sex is the ONLY way I know how to connect to my husband. We don't HAVE a deep emotional connection... because I am a VERY emotionally charged person, and he is my polar opposite. This is something him and I need to work through - and in the meantime, if sex IS the only way we can connect - then we won't be giving that away to anyone else.

 

Thanks again for the insight folks...

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I think that I have discovered that this jealousy thing is merely a symptom to a bigger issue... and that is that sex is the ONLY way I know how to connect to my husband. We don't HAVE a deep emotional connection... because I am a VERY emotionally charged person, and he is my polar opposite. This is something him and I need to work through - and in the meantime, if sex IS the only way we can connect - then we won't be giving that away to anyone else.

 

Sounds like you've found a good place to start. I wish you and your husband the best of luck in finding your way together.

[Alura 2,774]

I think y'all are progressing by leaps and bounds, Cdnhotwife!

 

I might suggest that y'all do an exercise to develop communication. Make it a point to ask each other a question, hopefully one that heretofore y'all've been reluctant to ask, and let it all unfold.

 

The basic ingredient is there! Y'all just need practice.

 

Alura

[angelkin 1,326]

I think that I have discovered that this jealousy thing is merely a symptom to a bigger issue... and that is that sex is the ONLY way I know how to connect to my husband. We don't HAVE a deep emotional connection... because I am a VERY emotionally charged person, and he is my polar opposite. This is something him and I need to work through - and in the meantime, if sex IS the only way we can connect - then we won't be giving that away to anyone else.

 

Thanks again for the insight folks...

 

Sounds like you found the root, now for the rewarding part - working past it:) Good for you for learning about yourself and really listening to the true problem. I am sure you will work things out and be all the stronger for it - swinging or no swinging.

[Alura 2,774]

Whoops! I should have said to ask each other a question every day.

 

Alura

[Gordo 618]

Well here's a shot in the dark. You say you two don't have a "deep" emotional connection but the fact is your husband was most upset by what he perceived as the emotional cheating (not fucking) with the neighbour. That says to me he DOES have that connection and perhaps it's you that's missing it and judging him by it. As soon as he shows any action you perceive as an emotional connection that steps beyond pure fucking it upsets you. Kissing for a long time in the hot tub, spending too much time talking and cuddling etc.

 

The thing is a lot of us do develop "favourites" and act differently toward them than just throwing them down and doing them. It's not the level of loving them but liking & preferring them and the experience a whole lot.

 

I've always thought that those swingers that just want to drop the pants and fuck anyone are missing a little something upstairs.

 

I guess the "don't do it if you have jealousy" theme is probably a little too general but certainly the statement that if you have "jealousy that you can't control or conquer it then quit" would cover it better.

 

I like that you are being intrespective and asking yourself some very hard questions. So many are just ready to blame their spouse for some perceived transgression they had no idea they committed. Keep it up I hope you find your answer.

'

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

WHY on earth am I so jealous????

 

WHY do I not only not enjoy watching him with others, but am completely heart broken by it?

 

And honestly, it makes me NOT want to participate in HWing, because if he cannot, then neither should I...

 

Sigh - I don't know how to fix this, but I'm left feeling stupid Any insight would be great. Thanks in advance.

 

I don't know why you are jealous. Those are your feelings and you have a right to them. I give you mad props for owning them and for realizing that if you are going to play then he should be able to as well. I tend to agree with you that if he can't (assuming he wants to) then you shouldn't.

 

That said, have you expressed all of this to him? Do you think there is any way you might be ok with him playing if you aren't seeing it? Aren't feeling left out while he's doing it? Maybe instead of playing together you only play separately. You go have your date with whomever and he does the same?