Do you tell? When a couple's mixed signals result in a bad situation....

[angelkin 1,326]

I have already decided not to say anything further to the "couple", but I am curious how you would have handled it...

 

First - Said couple does not have a couples profile on the ad site, they only have singles profiles and make no mention of being in any kind of relationship.

 

Background - Met this "single" lady and a "single" guy after being invited to the the single lady's house party by a mutual friend. 1st party, had a fabulous time. 2nd party, not so much, but enjoyed the atmosphere and played a little - met another really great pair of people and hit it off with them, so overall a successful and fun evening, just not the kind of energy we experienced at the first party.

 

At the party, I did enjoy the "single" guy openly and our time was cut short. Now, it was clear to me they were entangled as more than FWB.When we left we thanked them and I said to the "single" lady that we had a great time and I'd like to invite the "single" guy over to our place for more. She smiled and nodded...which I took as a green light.

 

A few days later, I talked to the "single" guy online and asked if they were a couple, the answer was yes, but they played apart frequently. So, I asked if he would be interested in a threesome with me and hubby. He said he was busy on the date I suggested but would love to get together sometime. AND he wasn't so sure his lady friend would be on board. We talked a little about that and he seemed confused about what the limits between them were and I said this was now a bad idea as I was unaware there were any boundaries. The end - we never contacted him again not wanting to step into a pile of drama and hurt feelings.

 

Fast forward a couple months and we invite them to a party we are hosting. She comes back with full barrels and basically feels that we (I) was sneaking around her to get him to play without her. She said some really rotten things and I feel very bad as that certainly wasn't my intention.

 

Given the situation, I think I did the right thing by simply apologizing and wishing them well...I know she can be irrational based on another reaction we learned about at the party that was a retelling of a story. It was not a similar issue though.

 

The question I have for you folks is would you say more? Would you go so far as to point out the inconsistencies and mixed signals they (individually and as a "couple") were giving off? Is it ever a good thing to give unsolicited releationship/swinging advice?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I hope I do not put the discussion completely off the track. But you have given me a new insight. I have seldom hesitated to give members of this bulletin board unsolicitated advise. But to a flesh-and-blood person who was standing in front of me, I would hesitate. Now you have made me think. They are people either way. I should either be not so quick to lend advise on a web site or, on the other hand, exhibit more fortitude with in-person relationships.

 

Ok, back to your question. I see nothing in what you describe that says you and your husband are invested in this "couple". I do not believe you should take the trouble to point out the error of their way.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. they will work out (or not) their own problems, and perhaps you'll hear from the guy sooner than you think when they call it quits. It sounds like he did the right thing and she is just paranoid or dramatic.

 

I'm sorry she said mean things to you, and when you were inviting her to a party!! The nerve, right?! Try not to dwell on it or feel too bad, it's not worth it.

 

Hug.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I hope I do not put the discussion completely off the track. But you have given me a new insight. I have seldom hesitated to give members of this bulletin board unsolicitated advise. But to a flesh-and-blood person who was standing in front of me, I would hesitate. Now you have made me think. They are people either way. I should either be not so quick to lend advise on a web site or, on the other hand, exhibit more fortitude with in-person relationships.

 

Ok, back to your question. I see nothing in what you describe that says you and your husband are invested in this "couple". I do not believe you should take the trouble to point out the error of their way.

 

As far as giving advice, I am more likely online than in person also. But this is an advice forum mostly so I feel ok about piping up whenever I feel like it. I do not randomly contact people and tell them their profiles suck on other websites. If no one gave their opinions threads would be pretty short and it would get boring around here.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think the best approach depends on this. It they are part of your swinging circle, then I would probably try to clear the air by pointing out how the mixed signals led to what happened. Not in a "so there!" sort of way, but just getting things out in the open to talk about them. That may make things better, but it runs the risk of making them worse too, and you'll just have to evaluate what the worse part of that equation would mean for you if it goes that direction. One way or another, it will help deflate the elephant in the room that is probably always going to be there if y'all frequently encounter one another.

 

If they are someone you rarely if ever expect to encounter again, then I would just leave it right where it is.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I can't add anything to what cplnuswing wrote, since my answer would be the same and also depend on whether I had to see them or not.

 

On a forum, people are essentially offering themselves up for advice. That doesn't happen nearly so often in other places, unless you're with friends or co-workers, so I'm unsurprised that people treat the two situations very differently. Here, advice is generally helpful. Given to acquaintances who haven't asked, it's just nosy and interfering.

[angelkin 1,326]

Good, sounds like I did the right thing. We do not see them at the club or anywhere else for that matter. Thanks for your thoughts!!

[angelkin 1,326]

Not so long ago, the guy contacted me and said they had broken up and did we want to get together still. We took a pass...

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Not so long ago, the guy contacted me and said they had broken up and did we want to get together still. We took a pass...

 

I'm guessing you two weren't very surprised by that development.

 

Also, 10 bonus internet points to Angelkin for updating her thread and letting us know how things turned out!

[Mr&MrsValentine 15]

I should either be not so quick to lend advise on a web site or, on the other hand, exhibit more fortitude with in-person relationships.

 

I'm glad y'all never stopped lending advice. There are still those of us that intentionally commit the horrible internet sin of lurking, but only because we are still learning. One day we'll contribute more, but for now it would be like people without kids giving parental advice.

 

Also, 10 bonus internet points to Angelkin for updating her thread and letting us know how things turned out!

 

Was also thinking how nice it was for Angelkin for updating so we had a complete story. Didn't know there was a contest.

[IEcouple 222]

Why would you invite either of them to a party after you'd decided they had potential for too much drama? Or am I missing something here?

[angelkin 1,326]

Yep, I think you're missing something. We took a pass on his offer:)

[IEcouple 222]

I meant that you didn't play with him because of the potential for "drama and hurt feelings", but you didn't think there was that potential if they were at your party?

 

I'm not judging your decision to invite them, just saying that it doesn't seem surprising at all that there would drama when they showed up.

[angelkin 1,326]

Their party, not ours. AND all the drama stuff came later.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I meant that you didn't play with him because of the potential for "drama and hurt feelings", but you didn't think there was that potential if they were at your party?

 

I was wondering the same thing, based on this part of your first post.

 

 

Fast forward a couple months and we invite them to a party we are hosting. She comes back with full barrels and basically feels that we (I) was sneaking around her to get him to play without her. She said some really rotten things and I feel very bad as that certainly wasn't my intention.

 

[angelkin 1,326]

duplicate post

[angelkin 1,326]

I was wondering the same thing, based on this part of your first post.

 

Oh, I see now where you and Iecouple are referring to. *shrugs* I dunno why we figured that if we invited them to come to the party as a couple that there wouldn't be an issue. Up until that time, there was only this conversation with the guy who didn't know what the boundaries of their agreement was - I didn't take into account that there was any hard feelings from her until after the party invite and her subsequent rant. Either way, they are ot a couple now and we won't be inviting either of them to do anything.

 

My apologies to IECouple for not getting what you were asking.

[IEcouple 222]

It's no problem. I was just puzzled by it.