I can't believe he asked ...

[HanAndLeia 67]

Ok, a bunch of ignorant questions incoming. (hey I'm new).

 

First some background. My wife and I are not swingers. I'm the only one she's ever had and she's really the only girl I've ever had. Well actually we kind of soft-swung once with another couple, but it was just the girls giving the guys oral. It never happened again, and was so long ago, I still pretty much maintain our spotless record of monogamy.

 

I'm a horndog, and she can no longer fulfill all my needs. Thus why we're here. She wants me to get a girlfriend and maybe watch sometimes. She doesn't want to participate. So I found this forum and we created this account.

 

I'm totally ignorant to this lifestyle, so please don't take offense to my questions if they seem ignorant.

 

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

 

2. How much does appearance matter? I'm a bit short, only 5'7" and my equipment is sized accordingly. While I'm healthy, I'm about 20 pounds overweight. I look good, (dressed), but have a small beer belly when naked. Will this prevent me from succeeding in the lifestyle?

 

3. Any advice on how to enter the lifestyle when you have 3 very demanding young children and your house would be off limits for encounters?

 

4. Anonymity, how do you protect it? As respected members of our community, if we were to enter the lifestyle, how do we make sure no one ever finds out?

 

5. What do you do with the woman after you both finish? For example, when it's the woman I love, we collapse together and she lies in my arms until we wake the next morning. If you start to engage in casual sexual encounters, what is the after ejaculation protocol? How "loving" do you act? Do I cuddle with the woman and carress her and speak sweet nothings to her, or do you dump your load and back away? I can't even imagine that. Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

 

6. Condoms, they basically block all sensation for me. Ok that wasn't a question, just a complaint since it's an unfortunate aspect of the lifestyle.

 

7. Should we just get a "Real Doll" ?

 

8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

 

9. i like sex and just the touch of a woman other than my wife excites me, (only ever happened once years ago). I'm so deprived. Ok sorry that wasn't a question either.

 

Thanks,

Han

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

 

2. How much does appearance matter? I'm a bit short, only 5'7" and my equipment is sized accordingly. While I'm healthy, I'm about 20 pounds overweight. I look good, (dressed), but have a small beer belly when naked. Will this prevent me from succeeding in the lifestyle?

 

3. Any advice on how to enter the lifestyle when you have 3 very demanding young children and your house would be off limits for encounters?

 

4. Anonymity, how do you protect it? As respected members of our community, if we were to enter the lifestyle, how do we make sure no one ever finds out?

 

5. What do you do with the woman after you both finish? For example, when it's the woman I love, we collapse together and she lies in my arms until we wake the next morning. If you start to engage in casual sexual encounters, what is the after ejaculation protocol? How "loving" do you act? Do I cuddle with the woman and carress her and speak sweet nothings to her, or do you dump your load and back away? I can't even imagine that. Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

 

6. Condoms, they basically block all sensation for me. Ok that wasn't a question, just a complaint since it's an unfortunate aspect of the lifestyle.

 

7. Should we just get a "Real Doll" ?

 

8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

 

9. i like sex and just the touch of a woman other than my wife excites me, (only ever happened once years ago). I'm so deprived. Ok sorry that wasn't a question either.

 

1. You might. Are you willing to jeopardize your marriage over a sex partner? Swinging is essentially recreational sex. Polyamory is love that may include sex. It'd probably be helpful to decide ahead of time where your boundaries are in this area.

 

2. It matters, but personality matters more, as does attitude.

 

3. Clubs.

 

4. There are no guarantees. However, it might help to know that most of us are respected members of our communities and we also have a vested interest in maintaining anonymity. That and avoiding drama (like not falling in love with someone's wife) are your best bets for insuring privacy.

 

5. Depends on the woman. I'm a cuddler, so that's what I do after. Other women might want to talk flooring or go take a shower. This is where everything you have learned about women from being a husband will both help and confuse you. Of course you can always ask the woman what her preference is, right after you say what an amazing time you just had.

 

6. There are thinner condoms that block less sensation, or so I'm told.

 

7. Do you want a Real Doll?

 

8. Hmmmmm. This isn't an answer to your question, but it is an opinion. If Mrs. Solo is in the middle of yes/no (particularly if you tie that to the state of her morals which, really, is a bit of a buzz kill), you really need to hold off until she resolves this for herself. Successfully navigating swinging, either as a couple or as half a couple with a hall pass, requires clarity, communication and trust. Also, swinging because sex with your wife no longer satisfies is pretty much a guarantee that something will go very wrong somewhere. I do get the persistence of fantasy and how much your experience with that other couple lives in you, but...your relationship needs to be paramount and your sexual attraction and ties to your wife need to be unassailable first. So, yeah, you could get a Real Doll or try swinging with a hall pass, but wouldn't it be better to spend the time wooing your wife, finding things that increase her desire for you and opening the two of you all the way to each other?

 

9. You have a woman who loves you and has children with you. So long as that is true, you're not exactly deprived, even if you are sexually frustrated.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Thank you Maui!

 

Mrs. Solo is an odd one. When I told her about this forum she really got excited and last night she really enjoyed reading through the various threads. Especially the really dirty ones. She went from "OMG really, swinging?" to "let's go to a club", by the end of our conversation last night.

 

She wants to have fun, but she always feels a tad guilty about it afterwards. As far as my activity though she completely supports and enjoys when I have fun. She likes to observe. Her official stance of not wanting to participate is something I respect and she wants to be present to review the couples. However since I know how she is once she gets a drink in her, I wouldn't be surprised if she tries some playing also. And I'm fine with that. I actually got REALLY turned on watching her play with another man the one time it happened.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Leia is my soulmate and the woman I want to grow old with. She still turns me on and I spend my weekends chasing her around the house.

 

I'm just in need of more sex than she can provide. And to be completely honest, I think the reason that being with another person is so exciting is just a matter of diversity. I know some women don't appreciate analogies, but I think the comparison is apt, even if the subjects aren't. It's like eating pasta for every meal your entire life. If all of a sudden you discover steak, wow now you have two foods to experience. And while you'll never give up pasta having a steak once a month is really refreshing.

 

At least I think that's why I enjoyed another woman touching me so much, diversity, it was new and interesting. Not looking to replace my sexual relationship with Leia, just looking to add to it with occasional fun.

 

And she's onboard, AND her "onboard-ness" has been tested. When the time came she put her money where her mouth was and didn't get jealous.

 

I just long for it to happen again. Need to find another couple to fall in love with now.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

 

One of the things I like about clubs... you can have an fun, exciting encounter with another person or couple, and when it's over you probably never see them again... and that's OK.

 

2. How much does appearance matter? I'm a bit short, only 5'7" and my equipment is sized accordingly. While I'm healthy, I'm about 20 pounds overweight. I look good, (dressed), but have a small beer belly when naked. Will this prevent me from succeeding in the lifestyle?

 

Does appearance matter? Yes, but probably not in the way you think. Most ladies I talk to are looking for guys who are clean, respectful and confident. You don't have to look like a movie star. You just have to look presentable and have a good attitude.

 

3. Any advice on how to enter the lifestyle when you have 3 very demanding young children and your house would be off limits for encounters?

 

Clubs and a good babysitter.

 

4. Anonymity, how do you protect it? As respected members of our community, if we were to enter the lifestyle, how do we make sure no one ever finds out?

 

If swinging would ruin your life, don't do it. However, I think that's a really rare concern. In a more practical sense, every club I've ever been to has a confidentiality clause built into membership. What happens at the club stays at the club. I know a lot of people who won't go to a club in their home town, for fear of meeting someone they know. (And I know one couple who drove several hours to an out of town club only to walk in the door and find themselves face to face with someone they knew! ) Truthfully, if you see someone at a swingers club it's not like they have less to worry about than you do.

 

5. What do you do with the woman after you both finish? For example, when it's the woman I love, we collapse together and she lies in my arms until we wake the next morning. If you start to engage in casual sexual encounters, what is the after ejaculation protocol? How "loving" do you act? Do I cuddle with the woman and carress her and speak sweet nothings to her, or do you dump your load and back away? I can't even imagine that. Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

 

"Thanks, that was fun." Maybe a smile, a hug and a handshake between the guys. Acting "loving" is often considered inappropriate... that's for the actual couple. There is a middle ground between "wham, bam, thank you mam" and "loving." I can have sex with someone, have it be a positive experience for all concerned, part in a friendly manner and never see them again.

 

6. Condoms, they basically block all sensation for me. Ok that wasn't a question, just a complaint since it's an unfortunate aspect of the lifestyle.

 

Try thinner condoms.

 

7. Should we just get a "Real Doll" ?

 

???

 

8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

 

You definitely need to sort that out before you go to a club. You need to ask her about this while she's sober and find out why the different attitudes.

 

9. i like sex and just the touch of a woman other than my wife excites me, (only ever happened once years ago). I'm so deprived. Ok sorry that wasn't a question either.

 

Poor you. Sort out your wife's comfort levels and your own. Maybe go to a club and check the place out, without actually swinging (make sure Leia stays sober) but just to see what it looks like. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Good luck.

[Chicup 41]

Yippie, we get to play 9 questions!

 

Ok, a bunch of ignorant questions incoming. (hey I'm new).

 

First some background. My wife and I are not swingers. I'm the only one she's ever had and she's really the only girl I've ever had. Well actually we kind of soft-swung once with another couple, but it was just the girls giving the guys oral. It never happened again, and was so long ago, I still pretty much maintain our spotless record of monogamy.

 

I'm a horndog, and she can no longer fulfill all my needs. Thus why we're here. She wants me to get a girlfriend and maybe watch sometimes. She doesn't want to participate. So I found this forum and we created this account.

Mmmm, this is not a good reason to swing, you don't get MORE sex while swinging, just DIFFERENT sex, unless of course shes just not putting out at all but seriously this is asking for a screw up.

I'm totally ignorant to this lifestyle, so please don't take offense to my questions if they seem ignorant.

 

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

 

This is a silly question. What if? What the heck do you think? Most men are not like this, but if you are, and you feel your needs are not being met, then yes swinging is a bad idea, duh.

2. How much does appearance matter? I'm a bit short, only 5'7" and my equipment is sized accordingly. While I'm healthy, I'm about 20 pounds overweight. I look good, (dressed), but have a small beer belly when naked. Will this prevent me from succeeding in the lifestyle?

 

Appearance matters tremendously. You will find most swingers divide into groups and looks are part of this divide (though there is more to it). Now this is only a problem if you are trying to have sex with a 10 and you are a 6. If you "find your own level" then its not an issue, but some people have delusions of their attractiveness.

 

3. Any advice on how to enter the lifestyle when you have 3 very demanding young children and your house would be off limits for encounters?

 

Clubs and hotels.

 

4. Anonymity, how do you protect it? As respected members of our community, if we were to enter the lifestyle, how do we make sure no one ever finds out?

 

You can't, but you can make it easier by not posting face pictures, and only showing face pictures when you are sure you want to go further with a couple (provided you are going for couples)

 

5. What do you do with the woman after you both finish? For example, when it's the woman I love, we collapse together and she lies in my arms until we wake the next morning. If you start to engage in casual sexual encounters, what is the after ejaculation protocol? How "loving" do you act? Do I cuddle with the woman and carress her and speak sweet nothings to her, or do you dump your load and back away? I can't even imagine that. Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

 

You don't make love to my wife, you fuck her and both have a good time.

 

6. Condoms, they basically block all sensation for me. Ok that wasn't a question, just a complaint since it's an unfortunate aspect of the lifestyle.

 

Get better condoms.

 

7. Should we just get a "Real Doll" ?

 

Sounds like it.

 

8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

 

If she thinks swinging is morally wrong, then you got issues still to work out before you swing. We have always swung sober from day one.

 

[Swing*8701 887]

Just want to say that until she resolves her differing points of view from when alcohol is added, don't play. Because her guilt, for doing something she wouldn't do sober, will become contempt directed at you.

 

When she is sober, I'd strongly consider challenging her on this difference. I'd politely explain that Swinging is a grown up activity and she cannot have one point of view with alcohol and a different one without. The couples won't appreciate it, you won't appreciate and your marriage sure won't either.

 

Swinging is not for the coy or feint of heart, but it is for the sexual and sensual fun loving people among us.

 

--Susan

 

PS-- Did you mean 'deprived' or 'depraved' in your earlier post ? They're very different words.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Deprived LOL, meaning I'm not getting as much as I need.

 

[LFM2 1,482]

I'm a horndog, and she can no longer fulfill all my needs. Thus why we're here. She wants me to get a girlfriend and maybe watch sometimes. She doesn't want to participate. So I found this forum and we created this account.

 

I'm totally ignorant to this lifestyle, so please don't take offense to my questions if they seem ignorant.

Thanks,

Han

 

Hi Han. Welcome to the Swingers Board. I was answering each one of these one by one earlier and my computer went haywire and I lost it all, but people have pretty much replied the way I would, so now I would just be repeating them.

 

Your first sentence throws me a red flag. Why can't your wife fulfill all your needs?

 

Since you are totally ignorant to this lifestyle, I want you to pause and think things over, carefully.

 

Swinging throws your marriage under a big ole microscope. If it's troubled, swinging is only going to make it worse. If it's stable, things are already outstanding in the bedroom, your communication skills are topnotch between you and wife, you respect and are totally honest with your wife, it just *might* work out for you. I use the word "might" loosely, because there aren't a whole lot of people who are able to swing successfully. I've read approximately only about 1% of the population are successful with swinging.

 

8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

 

Not only will she hate herself, she's probably going to hate you too.

 

I really am discouraging your from swinging at this time. I don't think either of you are ready for it.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Hi Han. Welcome to the Swingers Board. I was answering each one of these one by one earlier and my computer went haywire and I lost it all, but people have pretty much replied the way I would, so now I would just be repeating them.

 

Your first sentence throws me a red flag. Why can't your wife fulfill all your needs?

 

Since you are totally ignorant to this lifestyle, I want you to pause and think things over, carefully.

 

Swinging throws your marriage under a big ole microscope. If it's troubled, swinging is only going to make it worse. If it's stable, things are already outstanding in the bedroom, your communication skills are topnotch between you and wife, you respect and are totally honest with your wife, it just *might* work out for you. I use the word "might" loosely, because there aren't a whole lot of people who are able to swing successfully. I've read approximately only about 1% of the population are successful with swinging.

 

 

 

Not only will she hate herself, she's probably going to hate you too.

 

I really am discouraging your from swinging at this time. I don't think either of you are ready for it.

 

Excellent points.

 

To expand on the "can't fulfill all my needs comment", I need sex about twice a day, she can't accommodate that. I end up masturbating twice a night and once every morning. Obviously I'd prefer that be sex not masturbation. Additionally her childbirths left her with some damage and vaginal intercourse is painful for her in all but one position. I've never complained, but I am wanting to experience more than one position. Additionally she is unwilling to do what I ask her. Let me explain that quickly. I know what I like and what feels good. Sometimes during a handjob (what most of our sex is), I may say, "please squeeze my balls a little" or I may say, "that feels great, please keep your hand on the tip more". Or during oral I may say, "please add some suction as your coming off the head". Basically I tell her what feels good, as is normal in any healthy sex relationship. Back to my point, she doesn't oblige and in fact he says, "no". And then she'll say, "I do this my way or you're not getting it at all".

 

So because of the limited sex, and sex being painful, and her unwillingness to give me the pleasure I desire, I can correctly use the phrase "can't fulfill all my needs".

 

She does love me and she is very flirty and playful, and the few times I've played with other women she really liked hearing the details afterwards. Also when I mentioned the swinger lifestyle she said she'd like to watch.

 

So from past experience with her enjoying me playing, and her inability/reluctance to give me the sex I want, and her constant begging me to get a girlfriend, it seems she's 100% comfortable with me entering the lifestyle.

[HanAndLeia 67]

It is possible "swinging" has a stricter definition than what I thought. LOL I did start my initial post admiting to my ignorance. If me making love to other couples while she watches isn't swinging then I suppose it's possible we registered on the wrong forum, BUT, it was at her insistence LOL.

 

After all she just wants to help me explore all the sexual fantasies she can't give me.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Maybe there's another forum, "wives just trying to get their men laid" LOL. I guess that's the forum I should locate.

 

As I said in my welcome thread, even if we never swing, I do really enjoy the conversations here. It's nice to be among people you can talk about sex with.

[km34 672]

A few things I noticed:

 

 

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

 

Need to find another couple to fall in love with now.

 

Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

 

These things as well caught my attention. Are you worried about falling in love or are you looking for it? I personally believe that I only make love with people I love, other than that I fuck - fucking can be slow, though, and may look like making love but the intimacy between people who love each other is missing so it's still just fucking. Like Mauijanedoe said, polyamory is also an option that you may want to look into if you think that the emotional component is important to you.

 

Others have also mentioned the guilt thing with your wife. I agree that NOTHING should happen unless you are sure that she is NOT going to regret it the next morning. That means if she is going to jump in the sack with someone when she's drunk, you make sure she stays sober. If she wants to meet/approve of the couples before you sleep with them, do it at a coffee shop or something where it's easy to avoid alcohol. If she wants to watch, fine, but you (you personally and you collectively) need to be very sure that there will be no regret if she decides to join in at the spur of the moment. If she does that, you need to know ahead of time if she wants you to stop her and if she does, you need to do it and not give in because it turns you on. There is no going back and hating something as big as this could cause a lot of damage in your relationship.

 

You playing and her watching is included in my definition of swinging. It may not be in everyone's, but that's okay. As long as you, your wife, and everyone else involved is comfortable, all is well.

[HanAndLeia 67]

A few things I noticed:

 

These things as well caught my attention. Are you worried about falling in love or are you looking for it? I personally believe that I only make love with people I love, other than that I fuck - fucking can be slow, though, and may look like making love but the intimacy between people who love each other is missing so it's still just fucking. Like Mauijanedoe said, polyamory is also an option that you may want to look into if you think that the emotional component is important to you.

 

Others have also mentioned the guilt thing with your wife. I agree that NOTHING should happen unless you are sure that she is NOT going to regret it the next morning. That means if she is going to jump in the sack with someone when she's drunk, you make sure she stays sober. If she wants to meet/approve of the couples before you sleep with them, do it at a coffee shop or something where it's easy to avoid alcohol. If she wants to watch, fine, but you (you personally and you collectively) need to be very sure that there will be no regret if she decides to join in at the spur of the moment. If she does that, you need to know ahead of time if she wants you to stop her and if she does, you need to do it and not give in because it turns you on. There is no going back and hating something as big as this could cause a lot of damage in your relationship.

 

You playing and her watching is included in my definition of swinging. It may not be in everyone's, but that's okay. As long as you, your wife, and everyone else involved is comfortable, all is well.

 

I'm not looking to fall in love heck no. I don't need that kind of complication in my life.

 

But, I have to be honest with myself and the last few girls I've "played" with, when they moved on to play with other men I was melancholy for a few days. Nothing serious or permanent. And Mrs. Solo likes to tease me too. "What's wrong with him?" "oh he's just sad because he just lost benefits with one of his friends".

 

But those were friends with benefits, and I'm still friends with them, just lost the benefits when they found permanent single men that they could actually settle down with.

 

And that does tend to be what I gravitate towards, long term relationships with benefits.

 

However in a club environment where everyone is a stranger I wouldn't really want (or be able to) develop a relationship. So I'm not too concerned about it in that context.

 

As far as Leia's attitude on it, she read my last post and wants me to issue the following correction. "I'm not saying I won't ever swing, it may just take a few times in a club watching you do it before I want to"

 

So now she's waffling and saying she might be willing to take another guy on and full swap, she just needs to ease into it.

 

[HanAndLeia 67]

And she said that while sober. So now she can't really take it back

[HanAndLeia 67]

In a nutshell, she gets off watching me fuck people, and she might participate if she ever felt really comfortable, BUT she has limitations and her sex drive is much lower than mine.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Did you know that you can get a realdoll with detachable genitals of for both sexes? Hey, if you've got the money and a place for storage, why not? It resolves, not only the attachment and guilt problems, but also to condom problem too!

[Lionheart72 2,190]

It is possible "swinging" has a stricter definition than what I thought. LOL I did start my initial post admiting to my ignorance. If me making love to other couples while she watches isn't swinging then I suppose it's possible we registered on the wrong forum, BUT, it was at her insistence LOL.

 

After all she just wants to help me explore all the sexual fantasies she can't give me.

 

It's likely you have... but not for the reasons you think. If swinging can include me watching my wife have sex with another couple, it can certainly involve your wife watching you have sex with another couple.

 

However, it's all the rest of the stuff that's a problem. Swinging is about couples. More importantly, swinging is about your relationship with your wife. It's about the two of you exploring something together... even if that exploration only involves one of you having sex with someone else. You need to be in a very secure, honest and trust based relationship in order for swinging to be completely successful.

 

Now, maybe you do decent communication with you're wife just no sexual compatibility. You might be able to go ahead with that... but that brings me to my next concern. For a lot of us, swinging is foreplay. My wife and I go out to a club, we have a fun night and we spend the rest of the month boinking our brains out at home, running on the memory of the experience. Swinging doesn't replace sex with your partner, it enhances it.

 

Like LFM2 said, swinging magnifies your relationship. If you have a problem area in your marriage, swinging will likely bring it to the front and force you to deal with it. You have a problem area in your marriage. Swinging will not cure it. Having sex with other people probably won't cure it. You need to work out your sexual incompatibility with your wife with your wife. Otherwise, it will only get worse and you risk damaging your relationship.

 

Another issue that I'm surprised no one has brought up... you are basically a single guy at a swingers club, only worse. People will see you and your wife and assume you are both swinging together. Telling someone it's only you and your wife won't play will send up red flags all over the place for a lot of people... either because the guy will want to have sex with your wife or (if your wife isn't there) because the couple will assume you're a cheater. Bad feeling may result from couple who feel you used your wife to draw them in and then pulled bait-n-switch. Now, I'm sure that's not what you are planning do but you will need to communicate this with the other couple fairly quickly and clearly. You'd probably need to work a bit to find a couple willing to work with your specific needs.

 

Ultimately though, I am very concerned that your relationship isn't in a place where swinging is a good idea for you. You need to be rock solid at home before you start adding outside nookie into the mix. You need to be more than rock solid before you add another person into your relationship, which is sounds like you want.

 

My advice, masturbate and put some work into your sexual relationship with your wife. Furthermore, she needs to put some work into her sexual relationship with you. Swinging isn't a solution to marital problems.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Swinging really can't make up for a lack of sex in my opinion. It takes a lot of time and effort to find the right people and get schedules to match. We're active, we both play, we live in a swinger haven, and I haven't full-swapped in a year! (for various reasons). If I relied on swinging for my sex life I'd be screwed! I also find that when we go out and do swinger stuff it makes me really turned on.

 

So you may end up going to clubs and then masturbating 5 times a day for the week after.

 

Your wife should think about finding a Dr who can help resolve the pain she has, they may also be able to help her low libido. Here is a related thread with resources: https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/45970-okay-sex-hurts-pelvic-floor-therapist/

 

I'd encourage you to improve things at home before looking elsewhere.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

First off, no such thing as a stupid question. And I can't think of many times that I've ever thought "I can't believe they asked that!" around here. Every once in a while I think "why didn't they just use the search feature" but really... questions are why we are here. SO, fire away.

 

HanAndLeia said:

 

1. I tend to get attached easily, what if I fall in love with the first woman other than my wife that touches me

This is a very reasonable worry since you say you get attached easily. Have you and your wife discussed polyamory? How far is she ok with you taking this "girlfriend" thing? Does she just want it to be sex only? Or is she ok with emotional attachment as well?

 

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2. How much does appearance matter? I'm a bit short, only 5'7" and my equipment is sized accordingly. While I'm healthy, I'm about 20 pounds overweight. I look good, (dressed), but have a small beer belly when naked. Will this prevent me from succeeding in the lifestyle?

None of us are perfect. A few think they are, but then that just might be their imperfection. The harder issue is that you are basically a married man playing alone. That will be your hump to get over, far more than any looks issues (unless you are just dog ugly...then...well...I hope you have a really good personality)

 

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3. Any advice on how to enter the lifestyle when you have 3 very demanding young children and your house would be off limits for encounters?

It sounds like you are going to be seeking a single female anyway, so hopefully she will have a place to play. The bigger issue is time. How much time are you willing to take away from your wife and family in order to make this happen? That is something you need to discuss with your wife. What are her (and your) limits on how far this can progress, how often this should/can happen, etc.

 

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4. Anonymity, how do you protect it? As respected members of our community, if we were to enter the lifestyle, how do we make sure no one ever finds out?

You can't. Approach it with the attitude that someone will likely find out. Or worse, they will see you with your GF and think you are cheating. Actually, that might be better, people seem to think less negatively on cheating spouses than they do on married couples choosing to swing.

 

That said. You may want to avoid posting face pics online. Stick with first names only.

 

 

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5. What do you do with the woman after you both finish? For example, when it's the woman I love, we collapse together and she lies in my arms until we wake the next morning. If you start to engage in casual sexual encounters, what is the after ejaculation protocol? How "loving" do you act? Do I cuddle with the woman and carress her and speak sweet nothings to her, or do you dump your load and back away? I can't even imagine that. Casual sex just makes no sense to me, I want to swing, but with another couple that I like, and I want to make love to the other woman and stay with her. This part above all else I don't understand and need to figure out.

It depends on you and the other person and what you are each comfortable with. Keeping in mind that you tend to get attached easily, if you are wanting to avoid that attachment, you'd probably be best to get up and get dressed when you are finished and go on home.

 

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6. Condoms, they basically block all sensation for me. Ok that wasn't a question, just a complaint since it's an unfortunate aspect of the lifestyle.

try different condoms. We played around with a bunch of different ones till we found one that he could deal with.

 

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7. Should we just get a "Real Doll" ?

It might be cheaper (at least in emotional costs)

 

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8. Mrs. Han Solo wants to swing so badly when she's half way into a bottle of wine, but when she's sober she swears she's against it. it's like a split personality thing. She just turns into a different person when she's drunk and she throws away all her morals. The dilemma here, is while she says "leave me out of it, I might watch but that's it" When she's drunk she says "Can we go to a club please, please". The problem here, is that if drunk Leia swings will sober Leia hate herself in the morning?

Possibly, but hard to say. Have you talked to her about how different she is when she's drunk? Have you asked her "what if I'd said yes to you last night and taken you to that swinger club?" Then "What if we'd gone and had sex with other people?" How would you feel if I told you that's what happened last night? As always, make sure to remind her of how much you love her and that you just want her to be happy.

[Guest screaminggood]

It is a form of swinging...sometimes called "cuckqueaning" and sometimes just called a FMF with the wife watching. And we have done it in clubs before, but you're going to have to be patient to find it.

[HanAndLeia 67]

Thank you everyone for all the insight. I do appreciate it.

 

We came here out of curiosity looking for knowledge, and we've learned a lot.

 

I don't know if we'll ever swing but it's good to have answers to my questions.

 

I'm sure Mrs. Han Solo has a ton of questions too, I'll try to forward them.

 

We have played in the past with no detriment to our marriage. While she did have some regrets personally it didn't impact out marriage. And shes really interested in trying again, even asking me to start contacting people on here.

 

So I'm not really sure if we're good candidates for the lifestyle or not.

 

For the past 3 days she has seemed consistently excited about it, going so far as to ask me to find us the nearest club to visit.

 

Maybe it's curiosity more than anything else.