She wants a threesome, I don't.

[Guest jpo]

We're a couple that has been together and faithful for 3.5 years and enjoyed each other very much. Unfortunately, she now wants to be fucked by another man and tells me she would if I would let her and proposes either doing it alone with him or with me and him. My stomach turns thinking about this happening and her not loving me the same after it, wanting to only fuck this other person or just anyone but me. We have been together for long enough that I want to eventually tie the knot and could see us having children, and I know it would be so hard to have this happen and raise children and survive in our relationship. I already am fearful because she has such an interest in it.

 

Recently, we were having a low point in the relationship and I know that she is turned on by being a slut and being fucked hard and treated roughly. I did this and then started switching from oral to vaginal to oral sex and saying she was getting it from different guys. She absolutely loved this fantasy, and we've enacted it a few times. Last time we tried having sex and I acted normally, she told me she was just tiered and needed to go to bed. I felt terrible and my stomach turned hearing this. So, to try and stop her from having a bad experience I blindfolded her and fucked her acting like I was in the room directing someone else. She loved it.

 

I've tried explaining how much a MMF threesome would hurt me, and she won't let it go. She also says a FFM threesome wouldn't fly with her. She says that she thinks a MMF threesome would be fun and is open to it because I enacted it while in bed, so therefore I am turned on by it. It is like I am trying to be convinced to let her fuck other men because that's what she wants.

 

I don't know what to do and think my relationship is on the wrong path..

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

First, welcome to Swingers Board.

 

If your girlfriend knows an FFM threesome wouldn't fly with her, that sounds like a great starting place for explaining that the equivalent MMF threesome wouldn't work for you, either. We all have fantasies, some of them extraordinarily persistent even when they have the potential to hurt our partners, but for them to play out in real life requires our partner's willing participation.

 

You aren't willing, so this will have to remain a fantasy for your girlfriend. Sex is supposed to be fun, this wouldn't be fun for you and that is reason enough to not do it.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

First, welcome to Swingers Board.

 

If your girlfriend knows an FFM threesome wouldn't fly with her, that sounds like a great starting place for explaining that the equivalent MMF threesome wouldn't work for you, either. We all have fantasies, some of them extraordinarily persistent even when they have the potential to hurt our partners, but for them to play out in real life requires our partner's willing participation.

 

You aren't willing, so this will have to remain a fantasy for your girlfriend. Sex is supposed to be fun, this wouldn't be fun for you and that is reason enough to not do it.

 

I agree with maui. If you are uncomfortable with a MMF and she is uncomfortable with a FFM, then those are just fantasies that will have to stay that way. If you two participate in either when one of us isn't comfortable, it has the possibility of breeding resentment. Just as she explained (hopefully) how a FFM isn't of any interest to her, explain to her in the same manner that a MMF isn't of interest to you. I hope she understands and might be happy with just enacting a MMF with you and a few toys. Good luck!

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Sorry, jpo, three strikes and you are not (at this time, at least) a swinger. I completely agree with the above comments. First rule of sex of ANY kind... no means no. If you are telling her that you are not comfortable with her fantasy coming true in real life, then she either needs to respect that or move on to another partner who agrees with her wishes. This may be the unfortunate consequence of your honesty, but you have to tell her and see if you can come to a compromise about her desires that you both are willing to live with.

I would also suggest you trying something. Next time you role play about her having more than one male, make yourself the dominant male in control of the situation. This may help you feel empowered and less fearful that she wants to be with someone else.

Best to you,

HG

[angelkin 1,326]

Sorry that you are experiencing such angst at her suggestion - sounds like swinging is not for you, not now, maybe not ever. It's not for everyone, heck, swinging is not for most people. I don't have any good advice to offer you on how to get through to her that this is not going to happen with your blessing, that you are not ok with it. I hope you are able to work things out.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you're having this conflict. I think the advice you have been given is good, especially comparing her feeling about ffm with yours about mmf. Hopefully she can accept your stance.

 

It sounds to me like there is a specific person she has in mind for this endeavor. You said she would play with or without you if you say ok. This is very concerning, I think. Is that the case? If yes, then you need to talk a lot. It is normal to have crushes on other people when you are in a long term relationship, but unless the relationship is already open it is not fair to try to bring a specific person into your sex life.

 

If not, and she just wants to experiment with group sex, I would continue exploring your feelings together. Read this board and talk about other people's experiences, read The Swinger's Manual together. Talk a lot. Let her know that just because something turns you on, that doesn't mean you should do it.

 

I really think threesomes are more advanced swinging than playing with couples, because there is an imbalance. The couple has a lot to lose, but the single, in general is just looking for fun.

[M&S 266]

I hate to sound like a downer, but I think you need to step back and examine your relationship. Are you sexually compatible? She seems to want something very badly that you have no interest in and if she seems very interested in sex, but not with you. Are you sure she wants to be in a relationship with you and vice versa.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your relationship may be heading towards the end. I know you say you can see yourselves together long-term. But, I'm wondering if she sees the same? It's not that she's brought up swinging that makes me wonder this, but rather that she seems "bored" by your relationship with her and your sex life together. That she has continued to press the issue even after you've stated you don't want to do it.

 

At the same time, by acting out the fantasy with her you are misleading her in a way to think that you do enjoy the idea. Why would you act out a fantasy that you don't enjoy? (that's what she's thinking). That said, how do you feel after acting out the fantasy? Does it bother you to do it?

[Hippiegirlie 276]

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your relationship may be heading towards the end. I know you say you can see yourselves together long-term. But, I'm wondering if she sees the same? It's not that she's brought up swinging that makes me wonder this, but rather that she seems "bored" by your relationship with her and your sex life together. That she has continued to press the issue even after you've stated you don't want to do it.

 

At the same time, by acting out the fantasy with her you are misleading her in a way to think that you do enjoy the idea. Why would you act out a fantasy that you don't enjoy? (that's what she's thinking). That said, how do you feel after acting out the fantasy? Does it bother you to do it?

 

 

 

Very well put Julie. I was thinking the same thing. If you are giving in to her simply because you are trying to make her happy, how is she making you happy? You stated your attempts to have "regular sex" were met with resistance and disinterest. What is it that she is giving you sexually that makes you satisfied at this point if she insists you turn your sexual activities into a fantasy you clearly do not enjoy?

[Gordo 618]

It sounds to me like there is a specific person she has in mind for this endeavor.

 

This occurred to me too. The fact that she seems so motivated toward this makes me wonder if she's really got someone in mind. Usually most people are reluctant to share fantasies especially when they know the spouse won't approve.

 

You don't give any indication of what age you are but the fact that it seems like you're thinking of children indicates you are fairly young. It may be that she isn't ready for settling down yet.

 

Having a very frank conversation about these issues is critical to going forward in a relationship but I also suspect, as others have mentioned, that you are heading for the end.