More Newb Swinging Questions

[HanAndLeia 67]

My research on this lifestyle continues!

 

1. How do you disengage from sex if it's not enjoyable. Let's say Mrs Solo and I find a couple, we like their appearance physically, we eventually end up doing some swapping, and a few moments in I realize I'm not enjoying it. Maybe the woman has a wart in a weird place or her tail is bothering me, or, I don't know, but regardless, I'm now thinking "ewww, not good, not good", how do I say "we should stop you're grossing me out", without saying exactly that and hurting her feelings? And the same for Mrs. Solo, how does she disengage if what looked sexy becomes unsexy? We played with another couple once, and afterwards she commented to me, "OMG I can't believe I did that, that guy is so gross". I questioned why she did it then. But I guess now I realize maybe it's not easy to stop the action once you start it?

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging? If you're a long-time swinger, and you look back, were your 20s the best or your 30s, or are you finding the 40s and 50s to really be the most rewarding ages for swinging?

 

3. In most swinger videos and pictures and photos from resorts and conventions, why are so many of the men older? Is swinging more popular with older men? Or is it just that the younger couples aren't as out in the public about it? Maybe it's that older couples have the proven marriage strength to make it work. Newer marriages tend to not have the long term bond yet.

 

4. Our neighbors once, out of the blue, asked us if we were swingers. We had known them about 5 days, we had all just moved into our newly built houses. This was 13 years ago, we said no and giggled, (why the hell did they ask that)? We just thought they were messing with us. But now that I think back on it, I wonder if they were swingers themselves. Were they, (because you should all know)?

[ViSexual 1,008]

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging? If you're a long-time swinger, and you look back, were your 20s the best or your 30s, or are you finding the 40s and 50s to really be the most rewarding ages for swinging?

 

I'm 64 now. My wife and I first swapped with a couple when I was 26 and she was 21. We had numerous experiences for several years after that first one. She didn't want to continue so we dropped out of the lifestyle until she again showed interest when she was 48 and I was 53. Again, after a few years she lost interest again. She knows that I would still love for her to join me but she's just not interested. She does know that I continue to explore with male friends though.

 

OK, from my experiences, swinging is better with age. Sure, the young hard bodies are nice but the older the people involved, the more comfortable everyone is. For me at least, being comfortable with yourself and with others makes for better sex. I find that the older I get the more I'm attacted to the person's personality than simply their looks.

 

Oh, and about the neithbors you had, I think they were testing the water and were interested in swinging with you two!

[Lionheart72 2,191]

1. How do you disengage from sex if it's not enjoyable.

 

Would that I knew, I could have avoided an unpleasant situation of my own. The best option, I'm told, is honesty... better to say "I'm sorry, this doesn't work for me/us" than carry on and have an unpleasant experience. One thing swinging requires of us all is a willingness to face rejection.

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging?

3. In most swinger videos and pictures and photos from resorts and conventions, why are so many of the men older?

 

I read somewhere that the median age for swingers is in their 40's. Most active swinger couples I've met are over 30.

 

4. Our neighbors once, out of the blue, asked us if we were swingers.

 

Two possibilities, they were messing with you or they were hitting on you. No way to be sure except to ask.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

1. It depends on whether it's not enjoyable in the "meh" sense or in the "get it off, get it off" sense. If it's the former, I'm fine with it. The latter (and it's never happened yet, because my spidey sense kicks in early) would merit something very close to, "I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me and I need to stop." No explanations.

 

2. I have no answer for that.

 

3. Based on the folks I know who do and do not have public face photos on their SLS profiles, I'd say past a certain age more couples are out regarding swinging.

 

4. No way to tell.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging? If you're a long-time swinger, and you look back, were your 20s the best or your 30s, or are you finding the 40s and 50s to really be the most rewarding ages for swinging?

 

3. In most swinger videos and pictures and photos from resorts and conventions, why are so many of the men older? Is swinging more popular with older men? Or is it just that the younger couples aren't as out in the public about it? Maybe it's that older couples have the proven marriage strength to make it work. Newer marriages tend to not have the long term bond yet.

 

 

Just wanted to add my input on these two questions.

 

I don't think there's necessarily a "best age" for swinging. It's more about the people/couple themselves, how they approach swinging, their attitudes, and the experiences and growth they glean from them. Sure, there are young people in the LS that might not have the maturity to truly see the rewards of it. But that can be said for older couples as well. For example, perhaps the older couple entered the LS because they don't find each other attractive anymore and don't have marital sex anymore. They are in a completely different group as those couples who are in the LS because they want to experience swapping as a couple and adding another layer of intimacy to their relationship.

 

As for the prolific amount of older couples in the LS, it could just be the specific location you are at that has more of them (i.e. more of a retirement spot). However, Mr. Sunbuckus and I theorized about this ourselves when we started and it could be the mere availability that older couples have that younger ones do not. Unless a younger couple doesn't have children, it can be a lot of work for young couples with families to go out and swing. They have to set up a babysitter when they go out. They also may not have the necessary finances to go out often. And they also have to balance swinging with family. Older couples most likely have an empty nest and don't have to worry about babysitters. They may also be more financially stable to go out often. It could also be that older couples find that monogamy for x-amount of years is no longer needed for them to stay together and explore the LS while some younger couples might not have reached that conclusion.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

1. I have been in a situation a couple times where I found that I did not click well with the person I was playing with. I ended up getting them off orally and then just hanging out and watching our spouses play. They offered to go down on me, but I just declined and said I was good. For me that seemed like the most graceful thing to do in that situation. It's a bit of a different situation since I'm a girl. If it happens to you, your cock will most likely indicate your lack of interest. I think it would be kind to offer her a massage or touching her to orgasm or oral if you are up to that. But, you have to do what's best for you.

 

I'm more of a no regrets person, so I wouldn't be particularly traumatized the next day even if I had sex with someone I ended up not being thrilled with. My husband and i both think of this as a learning experience, and sometimes you try things you don't really care for.

 

I wouldn't say anything like, "this isn't working for me," that would hurt my feelings so much! I'd just say, "I'm really exhausted, or I have a headache, or i think I drank a bit to much." Basically, it's not you, it's me.

 

2. Age. We often say we wish we started 10years ago (late 20's) because it would be so much more convenient, we were younger, not as tired, no kids, less grey hair, etc. However, it would not have worked. I was not into sex then like I am now. We were not as open-minded about the world in general. We were not as comfortable in our relationship and able to talk as well as we do now.

 

We started when we were 35. Almost everyone we are friends with or play with are 5-10 years older than us. Swinging works for us now because we are at a great place. Before we started, I hit the dirty-30's and became more interested in sex. We started having lots of sexy times together and then expanded things.

 

I think the best age is when you are having the best sex of your lives as a couple, you communicate better than you ever have, you love each other completely and are secure in your commitment. That's when it's a good time to decide you want to take it further and share your bedroom time with others.

[km34 672]

1. I have to agree with funcoupledayton - someone saying that they aren't feeling it without saying why would hurt my feelings! I mean, I know it happens, but it still sucks. I would probably say something about being tired or being in the mood to watch instead of play. Both of those things happen, and they don't make it obvious that it's the person you're with that is is the problem. After you're out of the sexual situation, if the couple/person contacts you wanting to get together again you could say that you didn't really feel like the right chemistry was there. Just another option.

 

2. We started swinging when I was 18, and hubby was 20. It has worked really well for us, but we usually play with people in their 30s. Most of the other people we meet around our age really aren't swinging for what we feel are good reasons (like others have mentioned - swinging due to lack of interest in each other is not the answer, swinging to add to an already fulfilling sex life is fantastic, though). I would say the majority of swingers we meet are between 32-60 with a really large group in the 38-45 age range.

 

3. Most of the younger swingers around here aren't very public about it. They'll go to the club or swap with friends or something like that, but they don't feel the need to get online or to talk about it. Also, couples tend to start swinging after they've been together for a while (there are exceptions - a few of them on this board, too ) so it would make sense that they tend to be older. Hubby and I had been dating for about 4 years when we started swinging. I don't think our relationship would have been ready for it before then, even if we had been interested.

 

4. Your neighbors could have asked for a plethora of reasons. One of which is that they were (or are) swingers. Another could be that they had issues with other neighbors who were/are swingers and wanted to know. Or they could just think it's interesting or funny to see how people react to being asked. Why do YOU think they asked? Did they exhibit any behaviors that made them seem swinger-ish?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My research on this lifestyle continues!

 

1. How do you disengage from sex if it's not enjoyable. Let's say Mrs Solo and I find a couple, we like their appearance physically, we eventually end up doing some swapping, and a few moments in I realize I'm not enjoying it. Maybe the woman has a wart in a weird place or her tail is bothering me, or, I don't know, but regardless, I'm now thinking "ewww, not good, not good", how do I say "we should stop you're grossing me out", without saying exactly that and hurting her feelings? And the same for Mrs. Solo, how does she disengage if what looked sexy becomes unsexy? We played with another couple once, and afterwards she commented to me, "OMG I can't believe I did that, that guy is so gross". I questioned why she did it then. But I guess now I realize maybe it's not easy to stop the action once you start it?

Suggest a switch back to your own partner. The best thing you can do is have some sort of "code" between yourself and your partner so that if they let you know things aren't working you do something about it together. It's almost easier when it's the guy who's "turned off" because it's obvious. When we are in that situation and I can see it happening, I will typically ask the other woman if she wants to trade back for a bit. That usually works and then we just let things proceed.

 

At the same time, there's really nothing wrong with just being honest and saying "this just isn't working for me, I think we need to stop". As with any time you have to turn someone down, it's best to avoid specifics.

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging? If you're a long-time swinger, and you look back, were your 20s the best or your 30s, or are you finding the 40s and 50s to really be the most rewarding ages for swinging?

 

Whatever age you are. There will always be other things in life to get in the way, interrupt or whatever. Were my 20's better than my 30's? No, just different. There were things I participated in then, that I look back on and think "I can't believe I did that!" But, I'm glad I did... because I might never do it again...

 

3. In most swinger videos and pictures and photos from resorts and conventions, why are so many of the men older? Is swinging more popular with older men? Or is it just that the younger couples aren't as out in the public about it? Maybe it's that older couples have the proven marriage strength to make it work. Newer marriages tend to not have the long term bond yet.

Older is a relative term. What do you mean by older? The average age for swingers has remained in the mid to late 40's. I think we've seen more and more young (20s) couples jumping in in the last 10 years thanks largely to the internet. But, the majority are still in their 40s. I think it's a combination of being settled (in relationships), not having to deal so much with finding babysitters, and also getting to an age where you start to realize what you might have missed out on when you were young.

 

4. Our neighbors once, out of the blue, asked us if we were swingers. We had known them about 5 days, we had all just moved into our newly built houses. This was 13 years ago, we said no and giggled, (why the hell did they ask that)? We just thought they were messing with us. But now that I think back on it, I wonder if they were swingers themselves. Were they, (because you should all know)?

 

Yep. Once you are a swinger you automatically just know everyone else who is a swinger and can predict with certainty whether anyone might be open to the idea before you even ask.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My research on this lifestyle continues!

 

1. How do you disengage from sex if it's not enjoyable. .... But I guess now I realize maybe it's not easy to stop the action once you start it?

 

You're right. Once you start there is no easy way to stop. You could pretend that you needed to go to the bathroom and just never come back .

 

2. What age range is the best for swinging? If you're a long-time swinger, and you look back, were your 20s the best or your 30s, or are you finding the 40s and 50s to really be the most rewarding ages for swinging?

 

The best time is whatever the best time is. In my opinion there is no age limit on enjoying your self. 20's or 60's. (90's?) Are there any swingers over 80?

 

3. In most swinger videos and pictures and photos from resorts and conventions, why are so many of the men older? Is swinging more popular with older men? Or is it just that the younger couples aren't as out in the public about it? Maybe it's that older couples have the proven marriage strength to make it work. Newer marriages tend to not have the long term bond yet.

 

Yes in my opinion older people are more secure in their relationships.

 

4. Our neighbors once, out of the blue, asked us if we were swingers. We had known them about 5 days, we had all just moved into our newly built houses. This was 13 years ago, we said no and giggled, (why the hell did they ask that)? We just thought they were messing with us. But now that I think back on it, I wonder if they were swingers themselves. Were they, (because you should all know)?

 

I can give you advice on what I think are the most important big mistakes of swinging/sharing. DO NOT DO IT WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS DO NOT DO IT WITH PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. These are the people you encounter every day and that is why you shouldn't have sex with them.

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Absolutely! Well said! Compare it to a boss having an affair with his secretary... eventually it's going to get messy.