Wife suddenly Wants to Stop

[GreenRoomFun 15]

...and thanks to everyone who participates in making this a great resource also.

Here's a brief intro. as to what brought me here.

Wifey and I had a great time for about 6 Months. I enjoyed letting her be with other Men, and then having her come home to me. Our sex life went into Hyperdrive and, as far as I could tell, all was good. It was all happening so fast, and we both ( or so I thought ) were having a great time. She played with 7 Guys and we had one MM F during this time. During the entire time she never once said she wanted to stop, and I honestly don't feel like I was pressuring her to continue. At one time the green monster got to me and I was convinced I was over this, but we talked it through and things just got better as I relaxed and just went with it. During all this time her e-mails to her 'friends' were fun and flirtatious, she couldn't wait to get out and have fun, and she always came home in a great mood...of course Her follow up emails were full of respect and regards to the great times she had and never once did she tell me she had a bad experience in any way. It seemed as if we had made it all work. Then one day I asked if she had any plans, she started crying and told me "I only did it for you...what the F was I thinking?"

 

Needless to say I feel like a piece of S%$t now, I had always said, and honestly meant, that I would not do this unless she was happy and committed and that either one of us could stop this at anytime for whatever reason. I don't feel I ever mentally forced her to continue. but I am also confused. During my Jealousy phase she actively helped me through the dark, so to speak, and was happy and reassuring to me as I agreed to continue. She saw 4 men after that incident. I cant help wondering that if she really wanted to stop, that would have been the perfect time to do so, as I said the same thing. Also, in Vegas I was apprehensive about going to the club and she could of easily said" ok, lets not go", but again she suggested we give it a try, and I'm glad we did.

 

So, my purpose here is to search the forums and see where I/we went wrong. I'm not looking to trick or coerce her back into the lifestyle, I would just like to help understand her state of mind, if possible, so I don't suffer believing I made her feel as bad as she says. I also want to make her feel good about herself again and frame this in a positive light if at all possible.

 

I have looked briefly for the topic covering "Why do men want to let their wives swing" but have not found it yet. This was a question she posed to me that I found hard to articulate.

 

So there you go. Thanks for reading

 

I'm off to the archives, feel free to suggest relative topics. There's a lot of ground to cover on this website !!

 

(With reference to what we were 'into', I was happy with her hotwifing at first and not obsessed with seeing other women ( honest !! ) I was more interested in MMF and really enjoyed her pleasure, and the route we chose was to let her go out on her own, see how it went, how we both felt, then perhaps try a MMF later on. We spoke openly about moving toward full couple swap and I sensed there she may be uncomfortable with the idea, and I reassured her I would not push for that if she chose not to. I was very content with what we had already done, and happy to let it continue. Our one, and only, MMF was our last experience, and it went great. The night after the club we tried unsuccessfully to find another play partner. Again, I never recall sensing anything other than a desire from her to get out there, which was backed up by her actions and words. )

[angelkin 1,326]

First off, welcome to the forum. This place is full of resources

 

I am sorry to hear things are not going well in your relationship. The membership here can only speculate on why the seemingly sudden change in your wife's attitude toward extracurricular activities. Have you asked her specifically in what way she felt that you wanted this more than she did...or how your views affected her interest in sex outside the relationship?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

There are a ton of resources here, both in the live threads and in the archives, that might help give you some insight. As to your current difficulties, my first thought was to wonder if she had developed feelings for one of her partners and my second was to wonder if she'd experienced a kind of buyer's remorse and chose to blame you for everything as part of her cleansing ritual. However, that's just speculation without sufficient data and maybe even your wife doesn't understand quite why she's so unhappy now, although you both should continue exploring (without blame for yourselves or each other) how you got to your current state.

 

In addition to the wealth of information here, a really great book exploring some potential explanations for non-monogamy is Sex at Dawn. It gives, among other things, an evolutionary basis to the question of why men want their wives to swing.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I can sort of relate. And I have a good friend who has the same situation too. In fact, he and I met when our wives were joining us in swinging.

 

My wife seemed to enjoy what we were doing but suddenly decided not to participate. His wife had a similar change of heart. And now, both seem to have total denial that they ever did anything like that.

 

We certainly can't figure it out but this might be what your wife is going through as well.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

First off, Welcome to the Swingers Board, we're glad to have you here.

 

This is a tough one. I agree that it seems like a few good opportunities to stop or reveal a problem she was feeling were passed up, which makes things more puzzling. If someone isn't ready to or won't share their true feelings with you though, then there is not a lot you can do to address them. The burden is on them to let you know what the problem is before you can start to work on it.

 

I may be wrong, but I have a feeling the root of this problem can be found in how you chose to swing, the hotwifing. I think many couples believe that approach or threesomes are an easier way to start compared to the couple on couple, but in fact it is just the opposite I believe. Try to think back through your discussions when you first were considering swinging and how you decided that route was how y'all wanted to go, and maybe you will find some clues there that you can use to enter into a discussion with her.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

Thank you for the welcome, and taking the time to respond. It's already helping just being able to talk and listen to understanding people like yourself. As you know, this isn't exactly the kind of conversation you just break out at the bar with your friends !!

 

I know she is open to talk and discussion on the subject. After some soul searching and honest recollection of the events before, during and after I plan on sitting down with her this weekend and hopefully getting it all out in the open. I will ask the questions you posed, and post her responses and hopefully more after that time.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

There are a ton of resources here, both in the live threads and in the archives, that might help give you some insight. As to your current difficulties, my first thought was to wonder if she had developed feelings for one of her partners and my second was to wonder if she'd experienced a kind of buyer's remorse and chose to blame you for everything as part of her cleansing ritual. However, that's just speculation without sufficient data and maybe even your wife doesn't understand quite why she's so unhappy now, although you both should continue exploring (without blame for yourselves or each other) how you got to your current state.

 

In addition to the wealth of information here, a really great book exploring some potential explanations for non-monogamy is Sex at Dawn. It gives, among other things, an evolutionary basis to the question of why men want their wives to swing.

 

Thanks for the response.

I have wondered also if she developed any feelings for her partners. I know that might scare and confuse her as we are very close, and love each other dearly. Perhaps she would have perceived those feelings as a threat? I also think there is a level of buyers remorse also.

I'm having a hard time of how to approach the aspect of her ( I believe ) having a great experience to wishing it all never happened without seeming like I am trying to say " See, I knew you liked it, so what's the problem?"

I would like to separate the two parts.. sexual/mental...in a before and after kind of way so we can put them in their place and move on. I just have to hope she is willing to talk openly and honestly. She has said she didn't say anything, or stop going out earlier, for fear of hurting me. But again that doesn't add up ( at least not to me..any women want to comment on that one ?? ) given the duration and level of involvement/excitement we both invested in this. I think it will be real hard for her to actually admit to me she loved having sex with other men, even though I constantly assured her I was, and still am, OK with it.

 

If she really did keep going just to please me then I honestly do not know/read my wife as well as I thought, and that's what scares me about this I think. I can own and take responsibility for the truth, even if I am currently blind to it, hopefully make amends and move on. The thought that I may not really be seeing her at all has me worrying about what else am I missing, with regards to her emotional state ?

 

I always thought we knew each other inside and out on an emotional level, so that's where my confusion to her statement comes from I guess.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

First off, Welcome to the Swingers Board, we're glad to have you here.

 

This is a tough one. I agree that it seems like a few good opportunities to stop or reveal a problem she was feeling were passed up, which makes things more puzzling. If someone isn't ready to or won't share their true feelings with you though, then there is not a lot you can do to address them. The burden is on them to let you know what the problem is before you can start to work on it.

 

I may be wrong, but I have a feeling the root of this problem can be found in how you chose to swing, the hotwifing. I think many couples believe that approach or threesomes are an easier way to start compared to the couple on couple, but in fact it is just the opposite I believe. Try to think back through your discussions when you first were considering swinging and how you decided that route was how y'all wanted to go, and maybe you will find some clues there that you can use to enter into a discussion with her.

 

Thank you for responding.

I'm working on hopefully getting it all out in the open this weekend if circumstance permits, and sincerely appreciate your input and advice.

 

The (funny?) thing is, prior to playing we spent hours reading forums such as this and taking advice, learning from others mistakes, do's and dont's etc. and spent many a night talking in bed about all aspects of respect/boundaries/safety and most importantly of all, as everybody kept stating...communication!

We always talked before and after, and didn't hold back on topics such as jealousy/emotional attachment etc..which is why I'm confused this didn't surface sooner.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

You've gotten some good advice so far from other members. My questions are how did you two come to the decision to hotwifing/swing? Are you both sharing all communications between play partners (you read what emails/chats/texts she sends to them)? Is your wife completely honest with her playmates that she is married, that you know of her playtime and approve?

 

We can only speculate as to her change of heart...the key is for the both of you to talk and be honest about everything and then work on strengthening the relationship. Best of luck!

[GreenRoomFun 15]

I can sort of relate. And I have a good friend who has the same situation too. In fact, he and I met when our wives were joining us in swinging.

 

My wife seemed to enjoy what we were doing but suddenly decided not to participate. His wife had a similar change of heart. And now, both seem to have total denial that they ever did anything like that.

 

We certainly can't figure it out but this might be what your wife is going through as well.

 

It looks like we are in a similar situation.

Let me know if your wife opens up at all, and I will also share any information I get that might be helpful.

 

Thanks

[GreenRoomFun 15]

You've gotten some good advice so far from other members. My questions are how did you two come to the decision to hotwifing/swing? Are you both sharing all communications between play partners (you read what emails/chats/texts she sends to them)? Is your wife completely honest with her playmates that she is married, that you know of her playtime and approve?

 

We can only speculate as to her change of heart...the key is for the both of you to talk and be honest about everything and then work on strengthening the relationship. Best of luck!

 

Thanks for responding

We came to the decision to hotwife/swing after years of suggestion by me leading to fantasy play and then one night she said she would. I'll never forget that night. I admit I was persistent, but do not feel I was ever aggressive, threatening or punishing her for not acting out our fantasies. One day she just excitedly said she wanted to try, so we did.

 

With regards to communication to play partners, everything was completely open and honest. She made a point of telling them she was married and playing with permission in the emails. Some of the responses were astounded at our agreement, but that never stopped them wanting to see her.We used to read/send emails together. It was very exciting and erotic for us both to participate in the whole planning stages.

 

Feel free to continue to speculate as the more input I receive the more ideas I get for an in-depth talk on the whole subject.

 

She has always been confused as to why men are willing to enter into this lifestyle if they truly love their wives, as I do. So any help on explaining that one would be appreciated. As I mentioned before, I think she is stuck somewhere between accepting the physical fun side of this for what it was, sex not love, and the reasons she has for feeling regret/remorse.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Thanks for responding

We came to the decision to hotwife/swing after years of suggestion by me leading to fantasy play and then one night she said she would. I'll never forget that night. I admit I was persistent, but do not feel I was ever aggressive, threatening or punishing her for not acting out our fantasies. One day she just excitedly said she wanted to try, so we did.

 

With regards to communication to play partners, everything was completely open and honest. She made a point of telling them she was married and playing with permission in the emails. Some of the responses were astounded at our agreement, but that never stopped them wanting to see her.We used to read/send emails together. It was very exciting and erotic for us both to participate in the whole planning stages.

 

Feel free to continue to speculate as the more input I receive the more ideas I get for an in-depth talk on the whole subject.

 

She has always been confused as to why men are willing to enter into this lifestyle if they truly love their wives, as I do. So any help on explaining that one would be appreciated. As I mentioned before, I think she is stuck somewhere between accepting the physical fun side of this for what it was, sex not love, and the reasons she has for feeling regret/remorse.

 

You are very welcome. I love this forum because the majority of the members are open and more than willing to help with their thoughts on any kind of matter.

 

One of the reasons why I'm personally holding back in sharing my own speculations right now is because I don't want to color what discussion you will have with your wife. I want her to be able to say what is bothering her instead of you offering options as to what it may be and having her pick one that may not be true or only part of the truth.

 

Have you two done any couple swapping? Hotwifing and MFM are different from couple swapping. Part of her not understanding how men enter the lifestyle with their partners might stem from only hotwifing/MFM because she has not come from the experience and growth that can come from couple swapping.

 

Three points that do worry me a bit...a husband's persistence in a asking/suggesting something of their wife (especially for years) can lead to several feelings if not openly communicated about. It can be construed as nagging, which can be ignored or not. It can be a, "What can I do to shut him up?" or "When will he stop talking about it?" During your years of suggesting it, were these always during foreplay/sex? Was this ever discussed outside of the bedroom? How did she react about it every time you talked about it? Was it a constant "blah" or a gradual progression of excitement? Did she ever ask you to stop suggesting?

 

Another concern is that you said, "We used to read/send emails together." Does this mean that you stopped doing this after awhile? Did you only do this when first contacting others?

 

Lastly, how did you two find these men? It sounds like they are not part of the swing community, which means they may not understand the complexity of a couple that hotwifes/swings, which can be very problematic. They may have this idea that the husband can't satisfy the wife. Or that they can woo the wife away from the husband.

[junglecouple 127]

Good advice from all. I too question how you entered the lifestyle. We started with swinging, couple w/couple. both of us found it tough to find couples that we both enjoyed and both of us, at the beginning, "took one for the team". We quickly discovered that what appeared to be fun for both of us, wasn't necessarily the case. We quickly moved on to MFM which was more than ok with her. During our "alone" time after a play session, we both discovered something. She enjoys watching and encouraging, as much as I do. I, at first felt a little guilty pleasure if there wasn't another M involved. I think it took more assurance from her, for me to enjoy a FFM than it took for her to enjoy MFM. Now, when I feel a twinge, I'll tell her.. "Ok, THAT was fun, but next time lets get another F to join us. Being Bi, there was no issue with that. It didn't take long and our sessions equal FMF, MFM, and with her often retreating to the corner of the bed to play with herself while I was being attentive to our guest. So... a lot of your problem "may" have to do with her feeling "used" in a not good way?

Good luck solving your question. Ask her about it. She may be hesitant to open up, but with any luck, just you asking may give her that permission to expound on her issue(s). Let us know how it goes..

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm having a hard time of how to approach the aspect of her ( I believe ) having a great experience to wishing it all never happened without seeming like I am trying to say " See, I knew you liked it, so what's the problem?"

I would like to separate the two parts.. sexual/mental...in a before and after kind of way so we can put them in their place and move on. I just have to hope she is willing to talk openly and honestly. She has said she didn't say anything, or stop going out earlier, for fear of hurting me. But again that doesn't add up ( at least not to me..any women want to comment on that one ?? ) given the duration and level of involvement/excitement we both invested in this. I think it will be real hard for her to actually admit to me she loved having sex with other men, even though I constantly assured her I was, and still am, OK with it.

 

If she really did keep going just to please me then I honestly do not know/read my wife as well as I thought, and that's what scares me about this I think. I can own and take responsibility for the truth, even if I am currently blind to it, hopefully make amends and move on. The thought that I may not really be seeing her at all has me worrying about what else am I missing, with regards to her emotional state ?

 

I'd suggest talking about where she is now and how that feels rather than rehashing it along the lines of "but you said..." In other words, not as an interview, but more along the lines of what she feels, does she know what triggered the feelings, how has it left her feeling about your relationship, what her fears are, her hopes. And then you do the same, not in rebuttal, but in the spirit of sharing and being loving.

 

When you have a lot at stake, it can be hard not to defend yourself, particularly if you have so much evidence you can produce in your own defense, but that probably wouldn't lead to a fruitful discussion. Maybe some ground rules though, where you each listen carefully and without rebuttal to each other?

 

I can't answer your wife's question from a man's standpoint, but seeing Mr. Doe with another partner is satisfying on both a sexual level and an emotional one and each time we seem to grow closer. That's one of the reasons I'm such a fan of Sex at Dawn, because it gives an explanation that doesn't require a rational A to Z explanation on an individual level for why non-monogamous sex works for me and instead frames it as a species-specific adaptation.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

You are very welcome. I love this forum because the majority of the members are open and more than willing to help with their thoughts on any kind of matter.

 

One of the reasons why I'm personally holding back in sharing my own speculations right now is because I don't want to color what discussion you will have with your wife. I want her to be able to say what is bothering her instead of you offering options as to what it may be and having her pick one that may not be true or only part of the truth.

 

Have you two done any couple swapping? Hotwifing and MFM are different from couple swapping. Part of her not understanding how men enter the lifestyle with their partners might stem from only hotwifing/MFM because she has not come from the experience and growth that can come from couple swapping.

 

Three points that do worry me a bit...a husband's persistence in a asking/suggesting something of their wife (especially for years) can lead to several feelings if not openly communicated about. It can be construed as nagging, which can be ignored or not. It can be a, "What can I do to shut him up?" or "When will he stop talking about it?" During your years of suggesting it, were these always during foreplay/sex? Was this ever discussed outside of the bedroom? How did she react about it every time you talked about it? Was it a constant "blah" or a gradual progression of excitement? Did she ever ask you to stop suggesting?

 

Another concern is that you said, "We used to read/send emails together." Does this mean that you stopped doing this after awhile? Did you only do this when first contacting others?

 

Lastly, how did you two find these men? It sounds like they are not part of the swing community, which means they may not understand the complexity of a couple that hotwifes/swings, which can be very problematic. They may have this idea that the husband can't satisfy the wife. Or that they can woo the wife away from the husband.

 

We haven't done any couple swapping, and it looks like that wont ever happen now.

 

For the most part, my suggesting was during foreplay/sex. Sometimes I would suggest at other times, but it was in a lighthearted way. Her reaction during sex was usually excited, but she may only have been fantasizing while I was being serious, not sure there. She did say occasionally that I should be careful what I wished for because I might not like it.

 

We always read/sent emails together for the most part, and I always had access to her email accounts to read and see what had been said while I was out. I dont believe she hid any messages etc.

 

We met the men through Ashley Maddison, and yes, the men didnt seem to understand the situation, except for one who had experience swinging, and permission from his wife also. I believe that was one of her best experiences.

 

Thank you for your input.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

I'd suggest talking about where she is now and how that feels rather than rehashing it along the lines of "but you said..." In other words, not as an interview, but more along the lines of what she feels, does she know what triggered the feelings, how has it left her feeling about your relationship, what her fears are, her hopes. And then you do the same, not in rebuttal, but in the spirit of sharing and being loving.

 

When you have a lot at stake, it can be hard not to defend yourself, particularly if you have so much evidence you can produce in your own defense, but that probably wouldn't lead to a fruitful discussion. Maybe some ground rules though, where you each listen carefully and without rebuttal to each other?

 

I can't answer your wife's question from a man's standpoint, but seeing Mr. Doe with another partner is satisfying on both a sexual level and an emotional one and each time we seem to grow closer. That's one of the reasons I'm such a fan of Sex at Dawn, because it gives an explanation that doesn't require a rational A to Z explanation on an individual level for why non-monogamous sex works for me and instead frames it as a species-specific adaptation.

 

Thank you again for responding. I do appreciate all of your time and genuine concern and input, it really is helping me try and get my head straight again.

I will be talking to her, and will follow the good advice on offer. Then I will post the outcome of it all.

 

One quick question - do you think it would be a good idea to let her read these posts, and use them as a sounding board of ideas ?

 

I will also get hold of a copy of the book you suggest

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Were you able to talk through this more over the weekend?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

One quick question - do you think it would be a good idea to let her read these posts, and use them as a sounding board of ideas ?

 

I'm sorry that I somehow missed your post. I hope you had some very fruitful discussions this weekend! As to your question, I believe relationships work best when the important things are shared. Which is the long way of saying yes, I do think your wife should be pointed in this direction. Just make certain that you both understand your posts might not have accurately reflected things from her vantage point.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

Were you able to talk through this more over the weekend?

 

Haven't been avoiding the issue, but no. Hopefully this week, and will post following. Thanks for checking in.

[interested-05 135]

Could it be a sudden guilt reaction? Or did she have a bad experience with one of the new lovers she doesn't want to discuss? I guess what I mean is did a new lover begin to try to talk her out of your relationship, or frighten her in some way, putting her in an uncomfortable situation by doing so?

From that thought, her decision may be more about preserving your marriage on her part. She has spent time exploring her sexuality and maybe she decided staying married to you is more important.

Step back from swinging, and work on building your relationship. If swinging is in your future, it could come back, but it won't likely be next weekend.

[M&S 266]

You mentioned in one of your emails that your wife has never understood why men enter into these type of relationships (by that I assuming you mean either swinging or hot wifing). It seems to me that this might be important. I don't want to prejudge the conversation you are going to have with her but I would suggest two things

1. I think you need to probe a bit on whether something happened during a recent encounter with another guy. It certai ly seems something happened to make either insecure about your relationship or shameful about what she was doing. Is it possible a play partner either questioned your loyalty to her if you were letting her fool around, tried to entice her into a more serious relationship or slut shamed her in some way.

2. I think it is important for you to convey to her that your love and commitment to her is in no way dismissed by the fact that you get turned on by her having sex with others. And that her getting turned on by others goes not lessen her commitment to you

[GreenRoomFun 15]

Could it be a sudden guilt reaction? Or did she have a bad experience with one of the new lovers she doesn't want to discuss? I guess what I mean is did a new lover begin to try to talk her out of your relationship, or frighten her in some way, putting her in an uncomfortable situation by doing so?

From that thought, her decision may be more about preserving your marriage on her part. She has spent time exploring her sexuality and maybe she decided staying married to you is more important.

Step back from swinging, and work on building your relationship. If swinging is in your future, it could come back, but it won't likely be next weekend.

 

I honestly don't know if either of these things happened, or not. But it's certainly a possibility. I know she loves me deeply and cares for me, and our family, more than anything else, so if that did happen, and she felt it was a threat to our stability she would definitely back off, in my opinion. For my part, our relationship, and being happy in it, trumps everything, so I'm treading carefully with trying to resolve the hows and whys and balancing them with preserving what we have built. I still need to know though, if she will talk, because what she said, if true, leaves me feeling like I don't know her at all, and I don't think that's the case. Also, if she never talks and gets it out in the open I think it has the potential to just keep surfacing at times in the future, and I may not know why she is sad or mad at me.

 

Thanks for your input, it is appreciated.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

You mentioned in one of your emails that your wife has never understood why men enter into these type of relationships (by that I assuming you mean either swinging or hot wifing). It seems to me that this might be important. I don't want to prejudge the conversation you are going to have with her but I would suggest two things

1. I think you need to probe a bit on whether something happened during a recent encounter with another guy. It certai ly seems something happened to make either insecure about your relationship or shameful about what she was doing. Is it possible a play partner either questioned your loyalty to her if you were letting her fool around, tried to entice her into a more serious relationship or slut shamed her in some way.

2. I think it is important for you to convey to her that your love and commitment to her is in no way dismissed by the fact that you get turned on by her having sex with others. And that her getting turned on by others goes not lessen her commitment to you

 

Thanks for your advice,

It did seem to not come out right in the past when I tried explaining my feelings regarding all of this, which is funny because I'm usually pretty good with words and getting my point across. I also feel, like you, this is important for me to explain to her as I don't think she ever did fully understand the 'why' from my angle, and, for a while at least, was just happy to play and explore her sexuality. As I said before, that's why I'm most confused. We really did go from 'wow' to now with no noticeable signs of anything being the least bit wrong. The before, during and after were all in accordance and sync with having a good time.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

For those of you checking in on updates, we still have not found the time to talk,our lives are currently very busy and hectic, but we will, soon, I promise

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Thanks for keeping us updated. We all hope that you two have the time soon to sit and talk so your relationship can get back on track.

[JM153 346]

I think MauiJandDoe is correct. Focus on her feelings now. Listen, Listen, Listen. If you ask questions make them open ended. Do not by your questioning give her the impression she is being cross examined. Probably the most difficult thing for you to do is not get defensive. Your opening post tells me that you, understandably, are defensive, because she accused you of being the only reason she did it and you feel like you did not force her. Realize she may not understand her feelings or where they are coming from and she may be defensive herself which leads to her blaming you. I will be surprised if you can hash this all out in one weekend. I think the best way you can demonstrate your acceptance and love for her is not by telling her or quizzing her or rebutting her, but by Listening, Listening, Listening. I suspect this will be very hard for you to do and could reap great rewards in deeping your relationship. Good Luck.

[ViSexual 1,008]

 

We met the men through Ashley Maddison, and yes, the men didnt seem to understand the situation, except for one who had experience swinging, and permission from his wife also. I believe that was one of her best experiences.

.

 

My wife and I were recently discussing why I, or any husband, would find pleasure in his wife enjoying sex with other men. I, honeslty, told her that I just couldn't explain it but it was a fact. I think it's much more common than anyone would believe.

But, it might be that when you included the married man with experience and his wife's permission that it let you wife relax and enjoy the encounter with no guilt. Maybe you should only seek men like him. And he might have more understood where you were coming from too.

[s_couple 48]

We value each other more than anything, much more this lifestyle. If any of us comes to the other and says "I want to stop", the reply will be "OK, honey. I love you." And then we will proceed to talk about the good and the bad of the experiences so both of us can find out if there's any issue at all. If the issue is just being bored with the lifestyle, then we're all good.

 

Some time in the future the lifestyle can be revisited again and if both of us are interested in rejoining, that what we'll do.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

I think MauiJandDoe is correct. Focus on her feelings now. Listen, Listen, Listen. If you ask questions make them open ended. Do not by your questioning give her the impression she is being cross examined. Probably the most difficult thing for you to do is not get defensive. Your opening post tells me that you, understandably, are defensive, because she accused you of being the only reason she did it and you feel like you did not force her. Realize she may not understand her feelings or where they are coming from and she may be defensive herself which leads to her blaming you. I will be surprised if you can hash this all out in one weekend. I think the best way you can demonstrate your acceptance and love for her is not by telling her or quizzing her or rebutting her, but by Listening, Listening, Listening. I suspect this will be very hard for you to do and could reap great rewards in deeping your relationship. Good Luck.

 

Good advice, Thank you

[GreenRoomFun 15]

My wife and I were recently discussing why I, or any husband, would find pleasure in his wife enjoying sex with other men. I, honeslty, told her that I just couldn't explain it but it was a fact. I think it's much more common than anyone would believe.

But, it might be that when you included the married man with experience and his wife's permission that it let you wife relax and enjoy the encounter with no guilt. Maybe you should only seek men like him. And he might have more understood where you were coming from too.

 

He did make us, I believe, both feel more relaxed and comfortable about the whole thing, and even followed with a nice e-mail thanking the both of us for sharing, and commenting on how beautiful, smart and sexy my wife is,which I thought was a nice touch.

 

Thanks for your input

[GreenRoomFun 15]

We value each other more than anything, much more this lifestyle. If any of us comes to the other and says "I want to stop", the reply will be "OK, honey. I love you." And then we will proceed to talk about the good and the bad of the experiences so both of us can find out if there's any issue at all. If the issue is just being bored with the lifestyle, then we're all good.

 

Some time in the future the lifestyle can be revisited again and if both of us are interested in rejoining, that what we'll do.

 

That was the understanding and agreement we also entered into this with, both of us at anytime could stop for whatever reason. We always talked before and after, and seemed to be really enjoying ourselves throughout the different stages of it all. That's why this came as such a big surprise to me...everything seemed fine at the time.

[CandLinPC 92]

I can't figure out why you chose Ashley Madison of all places to find swingers. Maybe I'm missing something, I very well could be. AM is a website for cheaters. They expressly market their site as a place to have affairs and cheat.

 

Here is some of the "fine print" at the bottom of their landing page:

Ashley Madison is the most famous name in infidelity and married dating. Ashley Madison is the most recognized and reputable married dating company. Ashley Madison is the most successful website for finding an affair and cheating partners. Have an Affair today on Ashley Madison. Thousands of cheating wives and cheating husbands signup everyday looking for an affair. We are the most famous website for discreet encounters between married individuals. With Our affair guarantee package we guarantee you will find the perfect affair partner.

 

Notice how many times the words "cheating" and "affair" are mentioned?

 

Is it possible that she might be okay with swinging in an ethical fashion with men or couples that are pursuing non-monogamy with honesty, communication, and ethical behavior? Is it possible that she simply is not comfortable being an active participant in someone else's infidelity? You said that the best of your experiences came with the guy who was ethically dating/playing.

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm coming down hard on you, but swinging ethically seems well nigh impossible if you're using a site geared specifically to cheating and infidelity. I'm genuinely confused.

 

As for the rest of it, all of the other posters here have given great advice. I hope your situation turns out well.

 

 

-C and L

[GreenRoomFun 15]

I can't figure out why you chose Ashley Madison of all places to find swingers. Maybe I'm missing something, I very well could be. AM is a website for cheaters. They expressly market their site as a place to have affairs and cheat.

 

Here is some of the "fine print" at the bottom of their landing page:

 

Notice how many times the words "cheating" and "affair" are mentioned?

 

Is it possible that she might be okay with swinging in an ethical fashion with men or couples that are pursuing non-monogamy with honesty, communication, and ethical behavior? Is it possible that she simply is not comfortable being an active participant in someone else's infidelity? You said that the best of your experiences came with the guy who was ethically dating/playing.

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm coming down hard on you, but swinging ethically seems well nigh impossible if you're using a site geared specifically to cheating and infidelity. I'm genuinely confused.

 

As for the rest of it, all of the other posters here have given great advice. I hope your situation turns out well.

 

 

-C and L

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, your input is appreciated

 

I agree with the points you noted, and we will address these issues, among others. As a side note, there are actually a lot of single guys posting on AM. When we began looking for guys to date this seemed like a good place to find people, which it was, but obviously we weren't considering that point of view at the time.

 

Don't worry about 'coming down hard' on me, I would rather hear a valid strong opinion than a vague polite one any day as we look to make things right in our relationship. Thanks again.

[bbarnsworth 2,644]

As a side note, there are actually a lot of single guys posting on AM.

 

Perhaps, but the kind of single guy you would find there is one who most likely isn't too concerned with ethics. Not that swingers are walking around wearing habits and collars, but my wife seeing a guy who I know is quite happy to play with a deceitful person would give me the willies. Swinging has nothing to do with cheating, and I certainly don't want a guy playing with my wife who is happy to be deceitful and stab someone in the back (husband of the wife he's having an affair with). That's just utterly disrespectful no matter how you cut it, and I think would bring a very high chance of the guy being disrespectful to me, regardless of how things go between he and my wife.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

Perhaps, but the kind of single guy you would find there is one who most likely isn't too concerned with ethics. Not that swingers are walking around wearing habits and collars, but my wife seeing a guy who I know is quite happy to play with a deceitful person would give me the willies. Swinging has nothing to do with cheating, and I certainly don't want a guy playing with my wife who is happy to be deceitful and stab someone in the back (husband of the wife he's having an affair with). That's just utterly disrespectful no matter how you cut it, and I think would bring a very high chance of the guy being disrespectful to me, regardless of how things go between he and my wife.

 

Another good, and valid point. It all seems easier to put in to perspective after the fact, from my point of view at least, because at the time we were just caught up in the moment and the excitement of it all without having the experience, or common sense, to think things through a little more clearly. We were kind of like two kids in a candy store. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, it's all helping.

[funcouple99 35]

Wow! Great Answers. I wanted to ad so much but after reading the responses I see 30% of my response was speculation.

Plus mauijanedoe stated my opinion in ONE tenth my writing. I can see now how SPECULATION can do more harm than good.

 

Over the last year the wife and I have had issues. But it's important to remember EVERYTHING is 2nd or 3rd to your relationship. Doesn't matter if the

emotions "don't make sense" to you or her. Never down play emotions. We had some issues and my wife kept saying my emotions didn't make sense.. no, it wasn't

jealousy, it's a long story. But eventually the fact she was devaluing my emotions hurt more than the negative emotion in the first place. We took a few

months off and worked thru it. We are now stronger than ever.

 

GREAT ADVICE AGAIN>>>.. wow this site is awesome. I really like how people are helping where as on dating sites (all I'm use to in the LS) 80% of the people

are helpful but with intention of having sex with your wife or you... this seems much more REAL.

[GreenRoomFun 15]

Wow! Great Answers. I wanted to ad so much but after reading the responses I see 30% of my response was speculation.

Plus mauijanedoe stated my opinion in ONE tenth my writing. I can see now how SPECULATION can do more harm than good.

 

Over the last year the wife and I have had issues. But it's important to remember EVERYTHING is 2nd or 3rd to your relationship. Doesn't matter if the

emotions "don't make sense" to you or her. Never down play emotions. We had some issues and my wife kept saying my emotions didn't make sense.. no, it wasn't

jealousy, it's a long story. But eventually the fact she was devaluing my emotions hurt more than the negative emotion in the first place. We took a few

months off and worked thru it. We are now stronger than ever.

 

GREAT ADVICE AGAIN>>>.. wow this site is awesome. I really like how people are helping where as on dating sites (all I'm use to in the LS) 80% of the people

are helpful but with intention of having sex with your wife or you... this seems much more REAL.

 

Couldn't agree with you more. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to post, and get this out there for 'judgement' if you will, for better or worse. I remain very thankful and grateful to all who have commented and, like you, get a sense that you all are trying to help with a view that our relationship as a couple is first and foremost THE most important of this equation. I love my wife more than anything