My friend and our MFM buddy into wife too much?

[SMarti021 16]

Ok so me and my wife are a young couple she is 21 and I'm 24. We're new to this stuff but comfortable with each other and love each other very much. We have a couple we swing with and play with single girls and guys as well and even have done 5 ways. My one friend who we have MFM with though is really into my wife, she likes him for the sex and I trust her completely! Absolutely no issues there, but he is the type of guy who likes the girl to himself if you know what I mean? Our MFM 3 ways usually end with him covering himself over my wife and almost hiding her from me while he has his way. He will also talk to her on the side and my wife says he tells her how beautiful she is. He has told my wife he doesn't like 3 ways and wants to have her to himself which is a rule breaker on our part. For us having this lifestyle is about enjoying this stuff together as a couple and not a way to get away from one another. This guy is a good friend it's just his personality to act that way, he is really possessive with women in bed.

 

So with that said this bothers me and I'm not really into it yet I enjoy letting my wife 3 way with him and me. She is very sexually attracted to him but that's it, he on the other hands if he could would steal her from me if he had the chance in a heartbeat.

 

Is this normal for guys to get that way? If I trust my wife should I let it go? Or is this a nono in people books? Our other guy has no problem sharing and taking turns etc and can go without trying to swoop her away from me lol.

 

On one hand I can't blame him though, my wife is 21, absolutely gorgeous athletic build, deep black hair, and a amazing personality. I'm truly a lucky guy to have her.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Short and sweet here. He has no respect for your friendship or marriage. You need to set the record straight with him before any more play takes place if ever.

We've seen situations like this time and time again and nearly always end badly.

Good Luck

[km34 672]

We as a couple would not continue with this situation. Even though this guy is a friend, he is still acting possessively about your wife. Possessive guys can turn into aggressive guys. On top of that, you already admit that you're not entirely comfortable with his behavior and would prefer a different, more inclusive style of MFM. If you want to keep him as a friend, it's probably better to stop the sexual side of things now instead of letting it get more involved. If you get more emotional, you're less likely to be able to talk to him in a calm way. If he gets more possessive, he may get aggressive. If your wife happens to develop a crush on him beyond sexual, she'll have a hard time giving it up. Without this being addressed, I only see the situation getting worse.

 

If you really want to continue the sexual side of your relationship with him, then a conversation about his possessive tendencies should happen ASAP. You don't want that kind of behavior within the confines of your relationship, and he should respect that rule. If he can't do that, then see my comments above.

 

His behavior during MFM/swinging activities could really impact your friendship with him outside of the bedroom. That's fine if you're willing to take that risk, but being aware of the possibility is really important before making the decision to pursue a friend as a potential playmate. This is one of the reasons that many people say "make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends."

[SMarti021 16]

Thanks for the advice. I guess because I truly do know my wife loves me and isn't in it in that way I was just letting it go. But like I said last night in between sessions in a 5 way where he was there my wife told me he was telling her how beautiful she was while rubbing her hair while I wasn't in the room... At first glance I can look at that as no big deal but when I think about it and see how he goes about with my wife it is alittle questionable... Any more of people two cents would be great! Also if anyone else has had this simular experience please share with me and let me know how it turned out!

[SMarti021 16]

We as a couple would not continue with this situation. Even though this guy is a friend, he is still acting possessively about your wife. Possessive guys can turn into aggressive guys. On top of that, you already admit that you're not entirely comfortable with his behavior and would prefer a different, more inclusive style of MFM. If you want to keep him as a friend, it's probably better to stop the sexual side of things now instead of letting it get more involved. If you get more emotional, you're less likely to be able to talk to him in a calm way. If he gets more possessive, he may get aggressive. If your wife happens to develop a crush on him beyond sexual, she'll have a hard time giving it up. Without this being addressed, I only see the situation getting worse.

 

If you really want to continue the sexual side of your relationship with him, then a conversation about his possessive tendencies should happen ASAP. You don't want that kind of behavior within the confines of your relationship, and he should respect that rule. If he can't do that, then see my comments above.

 

His behavior during MFM/swinging activities could really impact your friendship with him outside of the bedroom. That's fine if you're willing to take that risk, but being aware of the possibility is really important before making the decision to pursue a friend as a potential playmate. This is one of the reasons that many people say "make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends."

 

 

Thanks for the info! Yea like I said before I feel a threesome is something enjoyed between everyone and when it's with other people its great! But when one guy just covers your wife and keeps you from touching her at all that's where it gets annoying... I guess it's worth noting we have done a MFM with another girl that's not my wife and he acts the same way. Does that change anything or is he just possessive and not really the sharing type?.. I do know that if he had a GF or wife he would NEVER let his woman do anything like swing, you can't even talk about his EX's without him getting jelious. And that just plays along with his possessive personality.

 

My next thing is when I tell my wife about this later tonight I can't help but feel like I would feel bad for telling her that we need to possibly cut it off with him if he can't respect the rules. It's nothing she did and she has been nothing but honest to me and really enjoys having 3 ways with him. I feel like I'd be punishing her some way but that's just my guilty side of my mind.

[angelkin 1,326]

Hold on a second...you enjoy having threesomes with a guy that covers your wife in a possessive manner basically pushing out out of the play? I can understand that you enjoy that your wife enjoys him, but the actual actions of the guy make you uncomfortable in a threesome situation and you admit that he has crossed the line in private discussions with your wife.

 

If this were us and my hubby was made to feel uncomfortable, we'd be stopping immediately, no matter how much I liked the guy.

[SMarti021 16]

Thanks for the Info, Yes its something that just started clicking in my head recently and wanted some input. I know my wife would stop right away if i asked her. Angelkin would it bother you in any way if your husband told you you had to cut ties with someone you enjoyed? Or is it a none issue and you can move in without feeling disappointed or let down? Like i said i just dont want to make her feel bad or let down for something out of her control that's all.

[angelkin 1,326]

Thanks for the Info, Yes its something that just started clicking in my head recently and wanted some input. I know my wife would stop right away if i asked her. Angelkin would it bother you in any way if your husband told you you had to cut ties with someone you enjoyed? Or is it a none issue and you can move in without feeling disappointed or let down? Like i said i just dont want to make her feel bad or let down for something out of her control that's all.

 

Yes, it would...it has in the past - but protecting his comfort level and our primary relationship is far more important to me than any playmate. When one of us is uncomfortable, we speak up. If one of us wants to stop seeing someone, we stop. There's no apology, no further explanation needed...one of us may pout for a little bit, but that's the way it is.

[JandKinBoise 858]

In this lifestyle, there is so much variety. So many things that can hinder the fun. I was in a relationship with a couple a few years ago. He encouraged me to spend time with his wife away from him. I thought this was really odd since if it were me, I'd be pretty jealous. With her and I alone, there was no sex, just when it was the 3 of us and then usually just him and I. He had some physical limitations and she loved to ski so I took her skiing many times with him home alone. But he knew as you do that if it ever did get out of hand, he could simply ask her to stop and that would be the end of it. For my wife and I, we MFM pretty frequently and have several partners. I tend to watch pretty closely for an emotional attachment. If I see it happening on either side, we just put that guy aside for awhile. Seems to work fine. We did have one experience where the guy covered my wife like this. I asked nicely if he knew the meaning of a 3way but ended up pulling the douche off her and pretty much made it a short night. That was a one night stand. In LTR we are pretty good about communicating expectations and borders. I suspect that a short talk with your friend will either end the problem or end the sex. The later in this case would be better imo.

[km34 672]

Yes, it would...it has in the past - but protecting his comfort level and our primary relationship is far more important to me than any playmate. When one of us is uncomfortable, we speak up. If one of us wants to stop seeing someone, we stop. There's no apology, no further explanation needed...one of us may pout for a little bit, but that's the way it is.

 

I agree with this. YOUR relationship always needs to take precedence over something purely physical. She may not be happy about losing some awesome sex, but your peace of mind and comfort and enjoyment should all outweigh that. Personally, I always think sex with love is better than sex without love (don't get me wrong recreational sex is GREAT, but it's not the same), so I have never had an issue saying no to someone when hubby has vetoed them.

[SMarti021 16]

Wow I really appreciate all the feedback everyone. It's great to get a outsiders view on the situation since we're new to this all still after we talk ill fill you all in with how it went.

[angelkin 1,326]

Wow I really appreciate all the feedback everyone. It's great to get a outsiders view on the situation since we're new to this all still after we talk ill fill you all in with how it went.

 

Please do. Hope thngs go well for you:)

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I hope you and your wife have already had that talk.

 

Your friend's personality makes him unsuited for threesomes and, no, that possessiveness in a 3rd wheel is not common. In fact, it's a big ole red flag. Since the two of you swing as a way of enhancing your relationship, you have to pick partners who do that for you. He doesn't, so boot him.

 

I wouldn't mind if Mr. Doe vetoed future meetings with someone, with or without an explanation, no matter how awesome the sex. If he's uncomfortable, I don't actually have to know why, because he is my priority. There are always guys out there who would do it for me and not activate whatever got activated, so it's not a big deal.

[SMarti021 16]

So we talked, it was a very light hearted talk, not stressful at all. We decided to talk with him and also make this a mfmf thing and bring in a girl as well. That works for me! And she is happy. We agreed to take it one at a time and re evaluate it and talk after every time to see how we both feel.

I feel good about our talk so let's see how it goes! Thanks for all the advice!

[naughty_kitten 56]

No offense, but why did you come here ask for advice and then not actually take it. Pretty much everyone told you to stop swinging with this guy and your solution was to just add another girl into the mix? It's great that you seem to be able to talk with your wife, but you need to talk to this guy and or give him the boot.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

We decided to talk with him and also make this a mfmf thing and bring in a girl as well. That works for me! And she is happy. We agreed to take it one at a time and re evaluate it and talk after every time to see how we both feel.

 

That sounds like a great resolution. I particularly like the part where you reevaluate each time.

 

No offense, but why did you come here ask for advice and then not actually take it.

 

Soliciting and giving advice is about talking things out. Then, based on everything you know and everything said by others, you come up with a plan that works best. It isn't about asking people to design your solution for you. It's also not about getting your ego involved in the advice you give, so that you're disappointed if it isn't followed. After all, we're all just guessing.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think that's a reasonable thing to try. The girl he brings to the mix might not be crazy about him smothering your wife either, though. That's a good plan to keep things light and re-evaluate as you go. Let us know how it progresses!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

One caution I would add with the new foursome scenario. I would keep it same room to start. He may think that by bringing a girl to share, he can take even greater possession of your wife during play.

[SMarti021 16]

I understand, we are going to talk to him and there is a chance we will stop. This forum has great advice but it just that. Advice... I appreciate the feedback and we are using it to make a decision on what we plan to do. First we talk to him then if that goes well work the mfmf thing if the talk works out.

Thanks again everyone.

[slevin 1,374]

Glad to hear that you were able to discuss it openly and honestly with your wife. That kind of communication is vital for a healthy relationship; swinging or otherwise.

 

Personally I would have cut off the threesomes with him the first time he tried to talk my wife into meeting him one on one. If he pulls her aside to discuss it just between the two of them, that breaks my trust level for him (not my wife). It is something neither my wife or I would tolerate. We had a female from a couple do that; pulled my wife aside and asked if they could meet 1:1. That was the last time we swung with them. For me the issue isn't whether I trust my wife, it's whether we want to put up with that kind of behavior. Whether that will lead to something more, lots of drama. It's just not worth the headache.

 

The only time I'd have no problem with it, the first time, would be if he openly discussed it with both of us. Not in a possessive way, but rather in a "hey, I know it's not in your rules, but would you ever consider me meeting her 1:1?". If that was it and then it never came up again, it would be cool with me.

[funcouple99 35]

""The only time I'd have no problem with it, the first time, would be if he openly discussed it with both of us. Not in a possessive way, but rather in a "hey, I know it's not in your rules, but would you ever consider me meeting her 1:1?". If that was it and then it never came up again, it would be cool with me. ""

 

YES YES YES!!

 

I agree. MAN ! Every one on this site is so insightful. I am considered the most insightful person in my group of friends... but man you guys are on point. Very rare and I love it.

 

I THINK the reason you are having mixed emotions is your had feelings (friendship) with this guy before and you have to consider both this earlier friendship and LS f friendship. (I am assuming).

 

This is why we don't PLAY with people from work or vanilla. I have 2 couples that have been swingers for years before us. THEY DON"T EVEN KNOW WE ARE SWINGERS. I won't tell them because I don't want to hurt their feelings encase they want to play together... even if they are mature enough to handle NO, like most are in the LS. Why Risk it... we don’t' like drama NOT EVEN the RISK of drama.

 

Currently my closest friend has this SM personality. We no longer play with him but we have opened a business together and work together now. He can't help his personality and has 5 years + experience extra in the LS than us. But he is wealthy and his up bringing made him some what aggressive. So we don't play with him anymore... trust me.. he plays twice a week with other hotties... he isn't losing sleep. lol

 

The fact the girl keeps telling you about HIS actions when you leave the room means to me she is concerned and wants to keep you informed... but sounds like worry to me. My opinion he is waiting for the time SHE forgets to give you an update and let the "cat out of the bag" to you as a "friend" to create a gap in your relationship...

Yeah yeah yeah... I'm a newbie to this forum and give too much speculation. LOL I sense the rest of you are like shrinks and I think it is AWESOME. I hope in a few weeks here I can have your sensible advice technique. LOL

[Guest sandraandalex]

Does anyone hear ticking ? I sure do.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It feels good to be in control. Sharing your wife has risks. I expected my wife to enjoy herself. What I didn't expect was for her to fall in love with him. I thought it was just going to be for the sex. The same goes the other way. He might fall in love with her and want to possess her. Sharing is a two way sport. Both of you need to be confident enough to handle the feelings that go with having great sex with someone.

[JandKinBoise 858]

Agreed naughty. Adding a woman and increasing his time alone with your wife is.....well, might not be so good.

[SexySixtiesMW 16]

It's always all about orgasms. Every person wants to be with the person that gives them the best orgasms.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

It's always all about orgasms. Every person wants to be with the person that gives them the best orgasms.

 

In my experience that is not true. I've been with great partners, who haven't given me the best (or any) orgasm and I still wanted to be with them again and again because the total sexual experience was so enjoyable.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I've been with great partners, who haven't given me the best (or any) orgasm and I still wanted to be with them again and again because the total sexual experience was so enjoyable.

 

I get that. I didn't orgasm with one of my all time favorites until around the fifth time we played. She was a favorite because we worked well together in bed, and we had a compatible personality set outside of playing.