Two more questions about swinging - emotions and appearance

[curious42 15]

Still doing my research... I have not mentioned my interest to my sig other yet. My question is this...

 

I've been reading advice to newbies and almost everyone says how they have a "date" or get together with other couples before the "real date". I've read that people like to get to know each other first, become friends etc. Doesn't this create more emotion in the situation than necessary? I mean I'm thinking that the swinging lifestyle was more strictly about the sex, not creating an emotional connection with other people. My sig other and I have an amazing bond, emotional connection and I want that to be special between the two of us. So if you are getting to know your playmates how do you keep possible emotions out of it?

 

Also, I'm curious. I wear lingerie all the time for my sig other, but don't really own any sexy clothes... and I'm pretty fit, slim, although a little belly. I'm getting the impression that everyone is crazy attractive and porn star looking and all dress in slutty clothes! Is it expected for the woman to be "dressed up slutty" or how do I phrase it?? I would expect to have a hot sexy little number on under the clothes, but can't you arrive in jeans and a sweater? lol. I know this question will probably make many people laugh but I just gotta ask!

[angelkin 1,326]

Wear something classy and only slightly slutty for a first meet. Heels, nice jeans or slacks and a top that shows your assets:) Maybe - if you think you're hooking up, a nice matched bra and panty?

 

As far as getting to know people, I don't think anyone is advocating falling in love...but more finding out if you like their personalities, seeing how they interact with one another, assessing if both parties are equally interested in swinging with you - those sorts of things are important. If you met up with them and didn't like their looks or how they acted, and you already have an agreement NOT to play on the first date, then it's easier to get out of the situation gracefully.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Take a trip to your local grocery store during high-time for buying groceries, like of an evening around 5-7pm. Look around at the adults in your store. They're not all swingers of course, but some of them almost certainly are. But, as a good sampling of what swingers are like, the lot sum of them is your average swinger. Some are "crazy attractive". Some are rather, uh, less so To a swinger club, it's a good idea to look your best but that doesn't mean you have to look slutty. Some clubs have dress codes. Think of yourself as going on a date. Would you show up looking poorly? Especially for a hot guy you've had your eyes on for a while? No, you'd probably show up looking pretty hot. Think of it the same way with going to a swinger's club or to a meet and greet with another couple.

 

As for the meet and greets; it's not about emotion. It's about finding out if everything clicks or not. Yes, you can meet a person and five minutes later be going at it full bore. But, most people prefer to get an idea if they would enjoy spending some fun time in bed with someone before playing. I would say most swinger couples aren't looking to be friends first per se, but rather make sure you click first.

 

Have a talk with your significant other. If you're nervous about doing so, consider introducing it as a fantasy in the bedroom first, and see where that goes.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Not everyone wants to be friends first. We prefer an attraction, though, so that generally requires at least a little conversation. However, we're not big on first dates, so we pretty much confine our play to a club. I think emotional connections happen or don't happen - at least in part - based on people's openness to them. If that's not a place you want to go, and your relationship is solid, it's unlikely to occur.

 

I will rarely wear anything to the club that i wouldn't be comfortable wearing into Starbucks and I'm pretty conservative. If we were meeting a couple we met on line, I probably would wear either jeans or other casual clothing. I think comfort is important, even when seduction is a possibility.

[Guest screaminggood]

We also find our matches at clubs and play on first dates. Many clubs have a locker room where you can change clothes, but I tend to layer, so that filmy blouse that I wear to the vanilla party...lose the chemise and suddenly, it works for the club.

[funcouple99 35]

My wife and I felt the same way about making friends... at first. We actually had plans to NEVER PLAY with the same couple/person twice. We still kind of do that. But what happened is we became really good friends with a few people. Really funny, having sex is like playing a really cool board game now.

But I believe the real surprise is when you go as a couple you GROW so much together. It's hot to get ready for another WITH your spouse...

 

AND you get to talk about getting laid with your spouse on the way, and after and days later. It is like a team on a date. SO MUCH fun. So it is true you share emotoins with another.. it is apart of it. But you already have a much closer relationship with your partner AND you spend more time with them on the pre PLAY and post play... so it is a HIGHER quality and Deeper emotional bond. The NEW emotions are nice but almost childish and fun.

 

Like someone letting you play with a transformer toy (very small) and you brought your own LIFE SIZE transformer that can launch you to the moon and talk and stuff. (Sorry I have a 4 year old and transformers seem like a good analogy). So the new SHARE toy is fun and cool and you get emotionally involved BUT that toy isn't going to fly you to the moon and take you home... doesn't even compare.

[M&S 266]

I think the question of an emotional connection is a good one and likely differs a lot between couples. For us, our goal is sexualy play with couples we both like and find attractive. We are not looking for an emotional connection per se, but we do want it ot be people we like spending time with

 

While I love sex, I do not love it enough to have with just anyone it may sound odd but I would rather masturbate than have sex with someone whose company I do not enjoy.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Lots of great posts. We like developing connections with the people we sleep with. While there is some inherent danger of feelings developing, knock on wood, we have not run into it in our experiences personally. We have seen some other couples fall to the wayside as they split but I think I can honestly say that those couples were on their way to splitsville long before they got into swinging. Swinging just accelerated the inevitable.

 

You have to do what is in your comfort level and like a few have said...it will change with your experiences and with the people you meet. We are going on a cruise with a couple we have known for over 18 months now. Others we wouldn't want to even know we were going on the cruise, lol.

 

Dress, I always tell people, wear what you would to a night club but you can be as sexy as you dare. So some of those outfits that you have seen that you say, I wish I had the guts to wear that out in public...now you can

[junglecouple 127]

We actually meet people with the expectation that all will go well, and we all end up in bed. There's no hesitation to calling a halt if things aren't smooth all the way around, but we don't expect anything but for folks to be fun, polite, and enjoy sex. Not looking for friends. They can end up being friends, but that's not a rule either way.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I'm attracted to the jeans and t-shirt girl. The getting to know you part is more for safety. On both ends.

[sparkstar 128]

When we go on dates with new people Hayley seems to dress 50/50 slutty/classy. She's a slim size 8-10 so she looks nice in tight dresses. She wears high heels, stay up stockings positioned top of her thighs hidden under the hem of her mini dress so she appears to be wearing normal pantyhose/tights except when she is sitting down. No underwear but sometimes she wears a bra with some dresses. The majority of our meets have been with single men as we're quite into MFM rather than the usual wife swap.

 

Some men request that she wears t shirt and jeans, lingerie, knee high boots etc. But usually she wears the above, she likes the reaction it has on men when they feel the lace stocking band and then no undies...

She also has some 6" stripper platform heels which she takes with her in the hotel room for men who like that, they look too slutty for walking in public. Though she has a pair of black patent one's that don't look too slutty which she wears out when we're together between bars/clubs, looks quite sexy with the seam line going up the back of her legs.

[prairieshadows 95]

With us, when we meet another couple, we go in with no expectations that anything is going to happen that night, we usually don't play on the first meet, and the reason being, we want to get to know the other couple, and feel each other out. To make sure we all click with each other, there have been times where we connected on the first meeting and we did play that night, but for us it all depends on if we all feel comfortable with each other.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There are quite a few threads in the archives debating the "friends first or not" idea. You'll find some of us tend towards the sex first and others tend towards the friends first. It's all a matter of what you are looking for and what you are comfortable with. Many who say they meet people first simply mean that they meet them for drinks to make sure that everyone clicques and is comfortable enough to go have sex with each other (whether the same night or another night). It's often easier to meet for drinks one night, go home and discuss with your SO whether or not you are both into the other couple and then make a plan to meet and have sex later.

 

And no, most swingers are not porn stars (in looks or action). Most are pretty average.

[interested-05 135]

Sexy can be business as long as you look your best in what you are wearing. Being western clothing oriented, WE find blue jeans and a sweater or tight fitting tee can be very inviting.

 

Friends first; for some people its the best way. You get to know a couple well enough to like them as a person or couple. Doesn't mean you are tied in emotionally but you can expect them to be discrete and respectful, rather than unsure of what this couple you just met is going to share with others. How close the friendship becomes is an issue you take one step at a time. If it is close enough to become uncomfortable, it is time to back off and possibly move on.

 

Other people simply prefer the club scene, so that you become club friends or acquaintances with benefits.