Blow jobs - how hard should you work for them?

[PlayingPossum 19]

I wish my wife would swallow me, or even blow me to completion, but she finds it "demeaning" to have cum in her mouth, she told me last week after 11 years together. Blow jobs are like a stop over in Omaha, NE for her on a trip from NYC to Los Angeles. She does it, but it's just something for her to endure for a few seconds in between the parts she enjoys. I love her, and I'm pretty sure that she loves me, but I'll never understand this.

 

She started squirting a few years ago, and as embarrassed as she was about it, I was nothing but accepting. She felt dirty about it, and I was nothing but excited. They are obviously the strongest O's she has ever had, and I love watching her feel that good, even though it only happens with toys or some very active fingers. She's had more orgasms in the last year from me putting in the work, than she has had in her life, and I love getting her off.

 

Feeling rejected though that I can't get the same level of enthusiasm from her. She said I don't taste bad, and she likes sucking dick, and I'm pretty sure at least one of those is untrue. Never, ever getting a no strings attached, I just-wanna-make-you-crazy, BJ can make you irrational, though.

[PlayingPossum 19]

This is a blog post, actually. Move it, I have no questions.

[Galanga 249]

Somewhere in her past (early past) she was conditioned to believe a blowjob is a form of abuse. As a result she never focused on the subtle kicks that a woman gets from doing it. She has to learn this, and she has to learn it in such a way so as to not reinforce the fatuous notion that there's "nothing in it for the girl". However, she can't learn that from YOU, because you have already polluted her with the notion that it's all for you (just look how your own posts reads). The best way for her to recondition herself is to completely depersonalize the penis from the man ... and the best way to do that is through a gloryhole. What she needs to focus on is HER perception of the MAN'S premonitory sensation. That's the "point of no return" feeling that a guys gets just before he cums. Women’s brains are constructed to sense this and get a HUGE thrill from it. The sensation is usually felt in the vagina (that’s actually the basis for simultaneous orgasm), but it can also be felt in the mouth … IF she’s not distracted by superfluous thoughts of “abuse” or “demeaning”. And gloryholes are great for this for another reason … the type of man on the other side of the wall is usually the type that can’t withstand prolonged stimulation without orgasm. So she won’t have to put in a lot of investment to get the reward. Anyway, that’s my advice.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I"m guessing feeling demeaned by come in her mouth is somehow connected to feeling dirty about squirting. I get that you don't have any questions, except for the one in the title, but even a blog post about this would still garner some comments.

 

The thing is that come in one's mouth isn't demeaning, unless you have some pre-existing issues or you are have a dick in your mouth against your will. Since I doubt you're forcing your wife to give you blow jobs, your need to have your sexual desires be important and enthusiastically accepted is coming up against an irrational force somewhere inside your wife. We all have things we're less enthusiastic about than others, but I think it's critical to give and receive acceptance around sexual needs and desires, so long as no one is harmed by them.

 

Continuing the conversation about sex is probably a good idea, but maybe a therapist as a mediator might be useful.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I do not weigh the things in my married relationship such that they must balance. It would make my wife and myself crazy. Save yourself some strain and think on the other nice things she does.

[Rockon 19]

I have a great friend that is very into BJ's. She works so hard to please me I feel guilty if I cannot cum quickly for her. When I watch her all I can think of is "her neck is going to hurt after all of this hard work"

[PlayingPossum 19]

I"m guessing feeling demeaned by come in her mouth is somehow connected to feeling dirty about squirting. I get that you don't have any questions, except for the one in the title, but even a blog post about this would still garner some comments.

 

The thing is that come in one's mouth isn't demeaning, unless you have some pre-existing issues or you are have a dick in your mouth against your will. Since I doubt you're forcing your wife to give you blow jobs, your need to have your sexual desires be important and enthusiastically accepted is coming up against an irrational force somewhere inside your wife. We all have things we're less enthusiastic about than others, but I think it's critical to give and receive acceptance around sexual needs and desires, so long as no one is harmed by them.

 

Continuing the conversation about sex is probably a good idea, but maybe a therapist as a mediator might be useful.

 

I think it stems from watching porn when she was younger, and seeing guys say things that ARE meant to be demeaning and humiliating, and we've all seen this kind of porn. However, I've never treated her that way and the few times that she has given me BJ's to completion over 11 yrs. i've been nothing but grateful for the gift. I don't understand it, when I go down on her it's with a purpose. I want to make her cum. It's my reward.

 

Anyway, SW PA is right. I'm not fixated on this, but I was feeling a little gipped last night after reading a "spit vs. swallow" poll on here. I get neither! LOL.

[junglecouple 128]

I have a great friend that is very into BJ's. She works so hard to please me I feel guilty if I cannot cum quickly for her. When I watch her all I can think of is "her neck is going to hurt after all of this hard work"

 

That's my wife. I've asked her about it because I sometimes feel guilty that she puts in so much effort and wants me to lay back and enjoy. I said "really, you truly enjoy giving a blow job?". She assures me she does and I've seen her climax about 2/3 of the time without me doing anything more than holding her hair out of her way. I will admit, it must be a bit unusual, considering how many ladies I've played with. I've never see a woman so happy to service a member. In fact, it not uncommon for her to do that to one of our playmates just to get things going.. I may have to reconsider my belief in heaven..

[angelkin 1,326]

I like sucking dick, I don't like to swallow. I don't feel demeaned by it, I just don't like it and can't explain it otherwise. If I had to put a finer point on it - I learned in high school that girls that swallow don't get fucked, they get used and left wanting. Perhaps that carries over...

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Ok, I'm going to go WAY simple and say maybe she just really doesn't like giving blow jobs. Why do we insist on complicating the facts with a round of “let’s psychoanalyze the wife” instead of looking at the possibility that she just doesn't like it? If the subject was another sexual act, something less "mainstream" and she didn't like it, would you be looking for deep reasons as to why? I think you would just accept the fact that she doesn't like it and move on to finding things that you both enjoy. The fact that she was embarrassed about squirting may have nothing to do with not liking blow jobs and perhaps she said she felt having cum in her mouth was "demeaning" just to get you to stop trying to get her to do what she wasn't interested in doing. Not everything we choose to do or not to do is a response from some traumatic childhood experience. Just a thought...

And, if you are eager to have a blow job to completion, find a playmate that enjoys giving them. Problem solved

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I liked SW, angel, and Hippie's responses. Playing, you probably posted this thread in a fit of "Oh, woe is me!" I'll assume that normally, you aren't so tit-for-tat. But in case you are, SW is right in his response. As angel may have eluded to, perhaps your wife is also afraid that once you blow your load in her mouth, that's it for her. Maybe she gives you a blowjob to get you excited so that she can feel a hard cock inside her pussy. If you are a one hit wonder a night, she's not going to get that hard cock inside her if you cum in her mouth. And Hippie is right in that she might just not like giving a blowjob. Just like some women do or do not like having anal sex, being man-handled during sex, or talked dirty to. What I do want to say is that if you are nagging her to give you a blowjob or to cum in your mouth, you're making the issue even worse. Just let her know that you are happy with what she's willing to do and if she wants to explore further, you would be more than supportive.

 

Now, here is the main reason why I wanted to respond: I disliked giving blowjobs when my husband and I first met. I did it at first to try it (just like I did with anal sex) but initially and for several many years, I hated both. Do I love doing anal and blowjobs now? I won't say that I love it. But I engage in them because of the pleasure it gives to Mr. Sunbuckus. For those many, many, many years, whenever Mr. Sun asked for them, it always felt like nagging and it made me hate it even more.

 

Aside from trying it and not liking it, I do think it had a lot to do with how I was brought up in regards to sexual needs. I wasn't taught that sex was for pleasure. In fact, I had the distinct feeling that my parents (or at least my mom) had a sense that it was something dirty, sinful, and only to be done for procreation. The only sex talk I can remember having with my mom was when I was young and after a neighbor boy had taken me to the side of the house to try and get to 2nd/3rd base with me. As far as I can remember, anything outside of vaginal sex was wrong. This led me to seeing oral and anal sex as very taboo and I did feel that engaging in those sexual acts was sinful. Period. Mr. Sun never treated me in such a way that it felt "demeaning" but as Hippie put it, your wife could be saying that just to get you to stop asking for it...because I'm sure I may have said something similar to Mr. Sun all those years ago. As I said, he stopped asking and eventually, I would do it as a special gift to him when I was in the mood. The surprise it gave him was enough to make me want to do it more for him.

 

Like your wife, I do not enjoy swallowing and almost never have Mr. Sun cum in my mouth. It's just a prelude to penetration (because as I noted earlier, I'm one of those women that love a hard cock inside the pussy.) We can count on one hand how many times he's cum inside my mouth and I've swallowed. Another big reason is that I dislike the taste of cum. I have not tasted any cum from any man that was so delectable that I had to suck him to completion. And that's not mentioning that I have a strong gag reflex (I gag when I brush my teeth, for heavens sake!) So...perhaps your wife is like me or has her own unique reasons. What ever the case is, let her be and be happy with the person that you are married to. If she changes her mind (or doesn't) be supportive and loving and in her own way, she'll reward you.

[Galanga 249]

Hippie - You're right when you say not everything has a psychological basis that needs to be analyzed ... but this sounds like a case where it does. The reason I say this comes from her own descriptions. She says having cum in her mouth is "demeaning". Specifically that word. Not "unpleasant", "distasteful", or "disgusting", but "demeaning". That's a very telling word. She also says she "likes sucking cock". Putting these two statements together indicates a deep rooted psychological issue. It may not be something serious, debilitating, or in need of addressing, but I find it interesting to think about why people are the way they are. And ... there may be other sexual issues linked to the same root that, if addressed, may increase the enjoyment of many areas of her sex life.

[naughty_kitten 56]

I just wanted to comment on the double standard on this forum. I'm pretty sure if it were the wife posting how her husband was not going down on her, people here wouldn't be telling her to get over it. So let's just pretend this were the case. What would be the advice in that situation?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I just wanted to comment on the double standard on this forum. I'm pretty sure if it were the wife posting how her husband was not going down on her, people here wouldn't be telling her to get over it. So let's just pretend this were the case. What would be the advice in that situation?

 

Naughty, very interesting! Thanks for pointing that out. I will have to let others respond though because I am the wrong person to answer since I actually don't like having a man give oral to me.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I just wanted to comment on the double standard on this forum. I'm pretty sure if it were the wife posting how her husband was not going down on her, people here wouldn't be telling her to get over it. So let's just pretend this were the case. What would be the advice in that situation?

 

My opinion isn't gender-specific, and was mostly addressing the word "demeaning," so nothing I said would change. My internal speculation would shift a little though and I would have a passing thought that a man who described cunnilingus as demeaning was perhaps gay.

 

In any case, I have things I prefer over other things, but I think the desire to meet my partner's sexual expression with enthusiasm and love pretty much overrides most of my finer distinctions and I've had some therapy for the things that loomed larger on my psychic roadmap. That's the engine for my response.

[sweetgirlknows 121]

I just wanted to comment on the double standard on this forum. I'm pretty sure if it were the wife posting how her husband was not going down on her, people here wouldn't be telling her to get over it. So let's just pretend this were the case. What would be the advice in that situation?

 

It is really not just this forum, its swingers (and society) in general. Powerful special interest groups shaped culture with the sad line that sex is nothing but another outlet of the "male conquest of woman." The interests go one step further to spout that today's men should PAY for the "injustices" of past men by doing anything and everything we ask without question or thought. If men question, we label them as neanderthals or whatever you favorite male insult is. It is sad really because it discourages guys from expressing themselves which society has already been doing for countless ages. I wouldn't be surprised if in the not to distant future men just give up on us all together. I see it happening already. A couple of the younger girls I work with complain their boyfriends would rather play video games and have guy time than have sex with them. That's a first! As women we've grown accustom to asking without reciprocating because we just can't let go of the past.

 

The only activation barrier for a woman when it comes to sex is getting past societal label like "whore" and "slut." We can ask for anal, oral, gangbang, bareback, etc and we are likely to get it. Men on the other hand can't ask for much more than just a chance to do it with us. If they asked for any of the aforementioned they 1) probably won't get it 2) if they did would have their manhood stripped away from them even by other swingers. A woman can have another woman with little fuss and it is even encouraged. Men on the other hand, good luck. How many gangbangs with 1 guy and 10 women do you hear of? It's not really an anatomy problem b/c so long as the guy has a tongue and fingers he could service hundreds of women lol! Again, its a double standard we allow because it "benefits" us at least at first glance.

 

I'd like to start a true equality movement. I feel like the reason many women don't enjoy sex is not so much because of the man but because of how the man is treated. Let's face it ladies, we don't see guys as equals. We think they should just be happy that we allow them to do us. This creates a huge problem because if the "yes" or "no" is 90% of the battle for guys, then a man will focus his energy just on getting a seat at the table instead of cooking a really good dish (quality)!!

[Hippiegirlie 276]

Hippie - You're right when you say not everything has a psychological basis that needs to be analyzed ... but this sounds like a case where it does. The reason I say this comes from her own descriptions. She says having cum in her mouth is "demeaning". Specifically that word. Not "unpleasant", "distasteful", or "disgusting", but "demeaning". That's a very telling word. She also says she "likes sucking cock". Putting these two statements together indicates a deep rooted psychological issue. It may not be something serious, debilitating, or in need of addressing, but I find it interesting to think about why people are the way they are. And ... there may be other sexual issues linked to the same root that, if addressed, may increase the enjoyment of many areas of her sex life.

 

That's the problem here Galanga. Those were not HER descriptions, they were his. If it was her post and she used that word directly, I would give it more attention by asking her why she chose that word. The fact is, the husband used the word and although he put it in quotes, we have no idea if it was an actual quote or not and she is not here to ask her meaning. Her sentiments could be the result of a strict upbringing, possibly tied to religion, and it could be a matter of personal preference. I will not discount that there could be a psychological component, but we cannot diagnose a deep rooted psychological issue via words given second hand in an online forum.

[MrsHidalgo 25]

First off ... I love giving a good BJ and having the man cum in my mouth. That's my REWARD for doing a good job. I like the taste and love seeing his eyes roll back in his head because of something that I did to bring him that much pleasure. Sex (to me) is all about seeing your PARTNER brought to orgasm, not YOURSELF. If you attend to their desires, they'll attend to yours. That is ... if they're going to be with ME they will. If your partner doesn't like doing oral, then that's all well and good. Everyone doesn't have the same desires. But unless I totally find it gross I'll do it because of the pleasure it brings my guy. Personally, I draw the line at butt rimming. There just isn't any way that I'm going to stick my tongue in a guy's butt. Some gals don't have a problem with that at all. Just understand that there are some things that folks find ........ not pleasurable. And concentrate on the things that they DO like.

[Galanga 249]

"Activation barrier"? Are women governed by the Arrhenius equation?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

"Activation barrier"? Are women governed by the Arrhenius equation?

 

Chemists of The World, unite!

[Just Passing By 140]

The initial key factor here is 11yrs . Presumably you gave brought this to her attention periodically over the years , again presuming in the usual aproaches , and done so reasonably thoughtfully.

 

If there were a simple/ easy solution it would have alredy taken place.

 

Not mentioned was how goes the rest of the world of sexual pleasures ? If multiple issues , then indeed broadly based counciling . If everything else is mutually satisfying , and this is the lone exception ? You need to look at your priorities of how much joint effort to invest vs when to declare Victory.

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

I guess that I really shouldn't even post a comment on this but I will.... I really can't relate because I absolutely love giving the Captain blow jobs. What turns me on the most is his reaction to me with his cock in my mouth.... he moans, talks sexy and I can tell how much he really enjoys it. For us it's a turn on for both of us and when he cums in my mouth that's an extra bonus:) just saying!!!

 

Nurse

[TattooNJ 15]

I don't think you should have to work for them....I love giving my bf blowjobs....its something that turns him as well as me. There is nothing like feeling his cock getting hard in my mouth....so since it should be a turn on...there should be no working for it.