The Morning After...

[2_Eros 16]

Before diving in and stumbling across something unexpected, I wanted to know how things usually feel the morning after your first (or 2nd or 3rd..) time.

 

Did your relationship 'change' in any way? Did things feel differently? Were you faced with jealousy or regrets? If so, were they long lasting or did they get easier with time?

 

Please help - we're tempted to try but hesitant at the same time!

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My wife fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. It took me a long time to talk her into trying it. She was so nervous and afraid but she loved it! Watching them together was my wildest fantasy come true. He was very respectful of both of us and the whole experience was very erotic. It was so good that she felt an emotional attachment to him. I was prepared to share her body but I wasn't prepared to share her heart. That is when the jealousy set in. Watching them kissing very passionately was hard to watch. I felt insecure for a long time.

[JandKinBoise 856]

We went into this (MMF) pretty open minded. She's straight and jealous so a full swing isnt in the cards. Our morning afters are awesome. We are usually on the same page with each other about the experience. I agree about the jealousy when seeing passionate kissing but it usually passes quickly as the events unfold into other areas. We try to keep 3 guys available to us. We usually see each one about every 6 weeks so there isnt much time for emotional bonds to appear. When I did see one starting up, I simply asked if she would be ok with not seeing him for a few months and she was fine with that, as she doesnt want me feeling insecure. Over all it's going better than I ever could have imagined.

I think if you are a jealous person, or not totally secure in your relationship it isnt a good idea. We never did anything until I realized that she loved me unconditionally and that no matter what happens, she is coming home with me, every time.

[ZAY 67]

Some people just aren't 'wired' to have sex with others without getting emotionally attached and threatening the primary relationship. The problem is, by the time you find out which one you are, it might be too late. The fact that you are so hesitant is smart and could be a product of a healthy and loving relationship. If you are going to tinker with it, do it with your eyes wide open. The people on here are the 'succesful' swingers, so you'll get some good advice but also rose colored glasses. I noticed you started another thread asking for horror stories. I've found that some people here seem to be hesitant about talking about the possible 'dark side' of the lifestyle so don't expect that thread to fill up too quickly. I guess they don't want to scare people away from trying but I think that is the wrong attitude to take. You guys want to be educated so you can make an informed decision. That education involves the good and the bad. My 2 cents, If you are going to move foward on this.......crawl.

 

Ps. How did you come to the idea to try?

[oc1234 435]

Since my wife and I were seduced into swinging by very close friends, and we totally didn't know it was going to happen beforehand, we were surprised beyond belief what had happened. When we woke up the next morning, we both asked each other if it had really happened. All we could think of for the next few weeks was doing it again. It had a very positive effect on our life together and has really increased our sex lives both with each other and with others. It was the best thing that could have ever have happened to us.

[LFM2 1,482]

 

Please help - we're tempted to try but hesitant at the same time!

 

Right here is the crux.

 

How much are you two talking? Do you both post or read on this board or is it just one of you?

 

But to answer your question, yes, our relationship changed. We were no longer this monogamous couple and our playing with another couple changed the whole dynamics of the marriage, but it was the most fun we'd had. Things felt differently because the dynamics had changed, but not in a bad way. We could both openly communicate about what we were looking for without fear of jealousy or regret that we'd said something that the other might take out of context. No fear, no jealousy, no regret. I chalk this up to both of us communicating before we had our first playtime. We could sit at the breakfast table and really talk over coffee and see how each of us felt in whatever scenario we could think up. We went over a list of boundaries which helped us that first time.

[angelkin 1,326]

Zay is certainly insightful - there is a certain element of rose-colored glasses and you will hear positive reviews from many on this forum because we are successful in swinging. Here's ours:

 

It changed us for the better. Most mornings after, including the first time, we are more hungry for one another. While sex with others is fun, it's not that kind of emotional, deep, and meaningful physical connection shared between two people that love each other.

 

I've always known the difference between sex and love and I think that's key - for us casual sex doesn't lead to emotional entanglement and it never did, even before swinging. In my opinion, that mindset is a good indicator whether or not you'll be successful in the lifestyle.

 

The choice to enter the world of non-monogamy is one to be carefully dissected and discussed over and over until you both reach the same conclusion. It may take years of thought and discussion, and in the end the answer might be "no". If you decide to dip your toes in the water, move cautiously and slowly - pausing each step along the way to not only savor the journey, but also ensure that your relationship is strong and intact before moving to the next level.

[2_Eros 16]

Thanks for all the responses everyone! Now to answer some questions:

 

We are both talking about this and this account is shared by us both. First and foremost is our relationship, this is just something we're both curious about and thought we might try. Since neither of us have done it before, our concern is 'what to expect?'

 

I think it actually came up a little over a year ago after we saw a documentary on swinging (romantic, I know). We talked about it after and neither of us were turned-off to say the least. Things slowly progressed from there and here we are!

 

How long did you talk about it, before your actual first experience?

[angelkin 1,326]

How long did you talk about it, before your actual first experience?

 

It came up when we were first dating and though I had some past experiences as a single, I was personally against swinging while in a committed relationship *last time ended badly). There was heated discussion about it and finally he accepted we just weren't going there. We didn't talk about it for the next 5 years at all...but a health issue made me realize that life is just too short not to milk every bit of enjoyment out of it and I brought it up to him again. Of course he said he always knew we'd find our way back to the possibility of swinging and he was all for it. The rest is history, we've never looked back and never regretted our decision to enter the lifestyle and our relationship is stronger for it.

[LFM2 1,482]

Thanks for all the responses everyone! Now to answer some questions:

 

We are both talking about this and this account is shared by us both. First and foremost is our relationship, this is just something we're both curious about and thought we might try. Since neither of us have done it before, our concern is 'what to expect?'

 

I think it actually came up a little over a year ago after we saw a documentary on swinging (romantic, I know). We talked about it after and neither of us were turned-off to say the least. Things slowly progressed from there and here we are!

 

How long did you talk about it, before your actual first experience?

 

A swinging documentary isn't exactly romantic since the people who make the documentaries spin (usually unflattering) things to their liking. (JMHO)

 

I'm glad you're doing your own research to find out what it's really about and forming your own views. We talked about it for a few months if I recall before we jumped in feet first. It's been a great ride so far.

[Tobacouple 111]

It came up in fantasies soon after we were married, but we never seriously talked about swinging till after 12 years of married life. It then took about 12 years before it actually happen. The reasons for the 12 years it took to realize success has a lot to do with careers, time and family. We tried to find suitable playmates numerous time through out those years but always never succeeded. It wasn't until we retired that the freedom and time became available for us to successfully swing. It's been a great addition to our life and marriage.

[2_Eros 16]

A swinging documentary isn't exactly romantic since the people who make the documentaries spin (usually unflattering) things to their liking.

 

My "romantic, I know" comment was definitely sarcastic - don't worry haha

Although the video did not present itself as biased. It was primarily talking to all different kinds of people who have participated in swinging - both people who had great experiences and those who decided it wasn't for them. We both wanted to look into this more after having seen the documentary (strangely enough).

 

Tobacouple - Wow, good for you both. Being this adventurous together after so many years of marriage - hats off to you!

[Talon34420 15]

It had taken an enormous amount of convincing to get my wife to try swinging. (To be completely honest, we only ever did it with one other couple.) However, when it finally did happen, the next morning was kind of interesting. She was wildly horny and we had some of the best sex of our lives. Then guilt set in. She had had a very religious upbringing and the guilt over what we'd done really impacted her. However, with patience and love, we were able to get her to 'come around' and the second time we played, she was VERY much into it. We played with this couple for several months when a job transfer sent them overseas and my wife had no desire to continue the experience. As for my reaction, I LOVED it but have to confess that I also experienced some guilt feelings since it was something we 'weren't supposed to do'. But I would love to have that experience again!!

[DigginIt 1,132]

My wife was the one that first brought the idea to the table. We didn't talk about swinging as much as we talked about missing those lustful feelings that you get from being with someone new. We talked about affairs, hall passes, everything for about two years before we jumped in. Best decision ever. We are going on close to 4 years.

 

With swinging you get a lot of that emotional rush that typically has faded over time in your relationship and so when you hear about someone (not just the wife) kissing more passionately, or doing something more enthusiastically, you have to remember it's the rush. Remember when the two of you first met and you had sex twice a day (or more) for the first two years (three in our case, lol) and you still couldn't get enough...well, swinging brings all of those emotions back and it's hard for someone to see their wife/husband having that much fun with another person but it's apples and oranges. If you can remember that your spouse loves you then you can enjoy that emotional rush without guilt and even bring it back into your own bedroom as you relive the events.

 

Remember that this is something you are doing together. You are having sex with other people but it is a shared experience you both get to have. This isn't about love. This is about reigniting passion that you haven't felt in a long, long time. There is only way you will find out what type of couple you are and that is to take a step forward. Stop looking and start doing. Just take it slow.

 

When we got into this, we had a great sex life, it's still great but it was very routine and even now it is still sometimes routine out of convenience because in our house we are subject to our lives but when we go out with another couple, the magic starts. It's like porn on steroids because the flirting, dancing and anticipation makes it so.

 

Did we ever have any guilty feelings...absolutely, we felt very, very guilty we didn't have sex with them twice before we left. Best of luck! It's an adventure.

[eldiablo311 201]

Just to throw my 2 cents in...my wife and I have not done any swinging or threesomes or anything yet, but like you guys we are considering it. We are talking about having her hook up with someone male or female sometime in the future. We haven't decided when, how, or even for sure if we are going to yet...but we did go to a strip club in Vegas that has both male and female dancers. We both got the nerve up to go over to the male side of the strip club and I bought her a private dance with a guy. I was allowed and welcomed to be a part of the whole thing. It was a very erotic, exciting experience and we both have NO regrets and WILL do it again in the future. The guy was very respectful to both of us and always checked with me before he did anything to her. I think we were both surprised with how far we let things go and we were completely fine with it and it made sex very hot for both of us when we got back to the hotel!! The stripper ended up with his hand down her pants rubbing her clit while kissing her breasts and neck and even on the lips a couple of times. My wife ended up playing with his dick and stroking him. I participated too by kissing my wife and also playing with her pussy and breasts...she loved it! We all loved it! It was a lot of fun and she was sooo wet! It was great.

 

I know that isn't really "swinging" but maybe something like that would be a good way to slowly step into swinging to see how you both would feel afterwards?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

We did a lot of talking, more than a year's worth, before we did our first swap. We'd also had a FMF and had gone to a club several times for sex in public beforehand. For us, moving slowly was the right choice and we felt prepared, because even though we hadn't actually planned to swap during that visit to the club we'd decided we'd be fine if it happened.

 

While we did a check in the next morning about our evening, our only take aways were how much fun we'd had and how much we wanted to play with that same couple again.

[D&D 362]

I am going to give the rose colored and the other side of story regarding the morning after.

 

The morning after our first experience was basically comprised of Mrs D and I screwing like we hadn't seen each other in while..... Then we talked about the prior evening, went to breakfast and then went back to bed... The swap experience itself wasn't that good but the connection after was worth it to both of us! A month later when we finally had a really good swap experience the morning after was something I won't forget in a while. I remember thinking later that day that the morning after is kind of like rediscovering my wife. For the first few months the morning after was something I looked forward to everytime we went out.

 

A couple of months later though the newness of swapping had diminished a little and I started to question many the things that were going on. Sometimes the morning after was really good and other times I was left thinking this whole swing thing just wasn't for me. For us it took a while for the insecurities to surface, probably because we were both having a lot of fun and that fun was drowning issues that slowly rose to the surface. A couple of times the morning after was a heated discussion about what happened, primarily revolving around various pressures that I was beginning to feel regarding the direction Mrs D and I each wanted to go.

 

Presently we are back on the morning afters are incredible.....but that is because we both have a much better understanding of what we each want, what makes each of us uncomfortable, and what we are willing to let each other do. I think that no matter how much talking we did before we actually swung we still would have followed a similar track. There is simply no way that talking about it is the same as doing it. It is also abundantly clear to me that for all the admonition you hear on this board about being honest with each other it isn't as easy as it seams. Primarily because we arent always honest with ourselves about what we are feeling and in my case I did not want to disappoint or detract from the fun my wife was having.

 

So we've run the gamut of "morning afters", from pissed off at each other to making incredible reconnections. But why would there be any expectation otherwise? I think even the most succefull swinging couples have their mornings after where they arent eating a bowl of peaches and cream.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This is one of those questions where the answer is as different as the people who answer it. Everyone's experience is going to be different and depend so much on the people involved and their relationship with each other. Ideally, you wake up the next morning with big smiles on your face and go at it like bunnies while talking about what happened the night before.

[Just Passing By 140]

Since it hasn't been said in this thread , I'll kick it out there :

 

Swinging is NOT for most people. The prerequisites are lots of communication and trust, and the ability to separate love and fun sex, and enjoy them both (our Poly members disregard).

 

You will not be able to predict in advance how you'll like it. It could be outstanding, it could be kinda ok, but no need to repeat, or could be what were we thinking.

 

But if you go in with good communication and trust, you'll be able to deal with any of those.

 

If the relationship is faltering going in, it will kick up the preexisting problems exponentially.

[LFM2 1,482]

Since it hasn't been said in this thread , I'll kick it out there :

 

Swinging is NOT for most people. The prerequisites are lots of communication and trust, and the ability to separate love and fun sex, and enjoy them both (our Poly members disregard).

 

You will not be able to predict in advance how you'll like it. It could be outstanding, it could be kinda ok, but no need to repeat, or could be what were we thinking.

 

But if you go in with good communication and trust, you'll be able to deal with any of those.

 

If the relationship is faltering going in, it will kick up the preexisting problems exponentially.

 

I quite agree with you. It has been said that there are less than 1% of the population who swing successfully. (I hope I'm remembering that figure correctly) Honesty and respect can go a long way in a successful swinging relationship. Thanks for the reminder!