First time threesome issues, could use some advice

[alwayscurious34 32]

Oh boy I never thought I would be the one posting one of these long posts but here I am........................

 

So the quick back story, my wife and I have been married for a little over 4 years now. We have a very good marriage and are very much in love with each other.

 

About a year ago or so we started exploring more of our sexuality in the sene of talking more openly, previous experiences, fantasies, etc..

 

She had been with girls before and actually had a one night fling with a female friend before we were getting married. Which I was dissapointed that I wasnt invited or involved in anyway but not mad and understood that it was just one of those spuradic things. But was very greatful that she told me a bout it and didnt hide it from me but wanted to see if it was something we could grow on and develop into something more fun.

 

Sorry if this is a little sloppy I got a lot going on on my mind right now and I am probably glossing over a lot of stuff.

 

Fast forward to this last year we have mad a few trips to the swingers club but nothing really much happened one night she made out with a girl and got all flirty but nothing really happened...but it was adding fuel to the fire and we both were having a lot of fun.

 

She has been going out with her friends a lot lately which includeds a male friend of hers that I could tell right away there was something there so we talked about it a lot and I gave her full permission to go out with him and do whatever she wanted as long as there was full disclosure and at some point I got to have some fun to (with her not alone).

 

So things were going good she was going out with her male friend and female friends haveing fun and I was reapping the benefits at home becasue she was coming home all horny and excited (for the record all she has done is given her male friend a blow job so far).

 

So now her femlae friends find out about this and I dont know if it is what spawned this all off but they all want to bang my wife and have threesomes (the females) I swear I am not making this up.

 

So now after the last two months of her going out without me she was going to set up a date for me to go out with one of her friends and have a threesome. We had talked about rules and what was acceptable and not......here is where the problem starts.......my wife hates to have things "planned out" she wants everything to be spontanious and exciting. So we had talked about limits but then also just kinda said well we can take it as it comes and see where it goes.

 

Okay now down to my problem................

 

So last weekend is my turn to "have some fun". One of her friends (female) has been flirting with her big time to have a threesome.....and apparently she (friend) has been having threesome and foresomes with other couples recently which I had no idea about...not that it really matters just didnt seem like that type of girl. Anyway so we go out to a bar get some drinks and food dancing flirting have a great time. I bought one of those remote vibrator things for my wife and then gave the remote to her friend without telling her so her friend was playing with it all night teasing her and my wife was thinking it was me....fun, fun,.

 

Then we went to our local swing club few more drinks, dancing, joking around with the vibrator. Then we decided to go and get a room in the back and oh I forgot I grabbed a bottle of whip cream from the last bar right before we left what a perfect way to break the ice and get things moving.

 

So now we are in the back I was very, very sure not to spend or pay to much attention with her friend and make it all about my wife, So we are taking turns on my wife, I am watching, rubbing, licking, etc. then it was my turn one of our agrements was that she is fine with me getting oral from another girl. So they turn their attention to me and it was absolutly crazy I never thought anything like that would ever really happen in my life.....so this goes on for quit a little while actually I am having sex with my wife and as things are progressing me and her friend are slowly getting more touchy feely now I am kissing her breasts rubbing her with my wife and things are going good no tension everyone is horny and comming.......then her frined is kind signaling for me to bang her....by that I mean she jumped down on the couch in front of me and spread her legs and kind tugged my hand towards her......so I stop immediatly and look over at my wife which is right there and say hey should I fuck her and she said yes.......so I was just about to start then I stopped pulled my wife over to me and said hey are you sure about this while kissing her and rubbing her and again she said yes..............if you are still with me, this where I think I may have ruined the rest of my life.

 

So we had actuall sex for a little bit not very long she came or at least acted like it...then I went and immediatly had sex with my wife kissing rubbing etc. after that we were all getting thirsty sweaty and just needed to take a break.

 

At this point everything was still going great we went back out to the bar area got some water danced for a little bit then decided to head home.

 

This is where I could tell things were not alright in the car my wife kinda started to get a little quite.....now her friend was still with us but I could just tell. we drop her friend off at her car and since she lives far away my wife just offered for her to come back home and stay at our place...I know what you are thinking but all the fun was over and this was just so she didnt have to drive far late at night. So we get back to our house and sat up in our garge to have a smoke a little night cap before we went in to bed some light joking we were talking about my wifes male friend all good conversation and she seemd to still be in a good mood.

 

Then Sunday morning.............she is pissed, hurt, upset,....this is horrible. I cant believe you did that, you never said you wanted to have sex with some one else, what the fuck were you thinking, you name it, she is pissed, hurt, talking about leaving me, not sure if she loves me....every bad horrible thing you can imagine is happening right now.

 

We are not yelling or cussing at each other. We have maintained a relativly calm level open communication and I have explained that it was just sensory overload, just sex, it didnt mean anything, I only love you and that she did something so special for me and that i am so appreciative of everything that she does for me.

 

I am just not sure what to do at this point she has said that she planned on having sex with her male friend but that it just hasnt happened yet this was before the threesome.....so I really didnt think that it would be that big of a deal and she is playing alone. And I asked her twice, twice.

 

I am sure I have left out a ton of other stuff that we have talked about in the past but it is hard enough tying to fit one night into a post let alone a year of conversations about this.

 

I dont know what to do to fix this...........................

[slevin 1,374]

I don't have much advice really, it sounds like you did the right things. Just because you do the right things doesn't mean that it won't still upset someone else. Even though she said to go for it, during it actually happening maybe she changed her mind. Also, maybe she was hoping you'd say no even though she said yes. People are weird sometimes when it comes to relationships

 

I don't think this is really about being right or wrong, but rather understanding where she is coming from and why she's upset. She might not even know yet. The only thing I can suggest is to keep talking with her, listening, and letting her figure out why it upset her. It would be great if she could come on here. Maybe reading your thread and reading the site in general will help her articulate why she's upset.

 

In an unrelated area; why is she always going partying without you?

[alwayscurious34 32]

She isnt always partying with out me, we have kids and it is hard to get a baby sitter often....so I will stay home and take of the kids one night and she will do the same for me if I want to go out with my friends.....just she goes out a little more often than I do. I am good with that scenario, she had kids at a young age and missed out on going out early on....and she is just a fun person and likes to go out and dance and have a good time. I completely trust her and we have a very open communication level......(or so I thought, confused now)

 

I know exactly how she feels because I felt the same way when she came home and told me that she gave her mail friend boyfriend or whatever you want to call it a blow job. Even though we had discussed it and I told her I was okay with it, it was still a lot for me to deal with mentally, especially since she was playing alone (with my consent) it was just a weird feeling.....and erotic and the same time.

 

She knows about this site and has my username and password info, but again that is one of the weird things about her is that she is not into reading about other peoples experiences or problems or reading about swinging or even sometimes talking about it....but If I say hey there is a event at the club this weekend....Okay lets go.

 

She is hands down the sexiest women I have ever met and she just excudes sexieness but at the same time it is hard to have the "propper" conversations with her becasuse she will say something like "I dont know I dont want to think about that right now"......"but if it happens it happens"....and now here I am with my gut all twisted becasue my wife is pissed as hell at me because I had sex with her friend.

[slevin 1,374]

Just throwing a shot in the dark:

 

She is used to partying by herself, when she parties she gets the attention since you're not there. She has permission to fool around with a guy she lusts for. When the idea of a threesome comes up it's with her as the center of attention primarily. She gets upset when her friend, who was supposed to be into her, not you, is also into you. Perhaps the issue is that it wasn't just all about her. Some people are just selfish, some people are ok with swinging and threesomes when it's about them, but when it's about their spouse suddenly they're not ok with it.

 

You know her and the situation better than any of us will. Just throwing out a potential underlying theme.

[junglecouple 127]

yeah. what slevin said. From the way you tell it, it should have gone smoothly, but somewhere ran off the tracks. I think, given a bit of time, she'll come to realize it was no big deal, just having to face it and think about it a bit. Your relationship sounds good, you both "seem" balanced, but giving you permission and having it actually take place are two different things. We often have a friend over (m or f) and things get hot and heavy at the drop of a hat.. The first time mrs jungle whispered in my ear.. "I want to watch you fuck her".. I was almost positive it would come back to bite me if I did.. Even though I freely let her fuck my friends and even encourage it.. I wasn't expecting that statement from her. I verified what she said 2-3 time before "jumping in" and kept an eye on her reactions as it was taking place. When she (mrs jungle) retreated to the foot of the bed I became uber conscious that she wasn't in the mix anymore and when I looked over to see if she was "still okay", she was sitting there, playing with herself and grinning like a monkey.. I even made it a point the next day ..."Hon, are you SURE that was okay?".. She reassured me it was and we never looked back.. but, to be fair, by that time I had already had a few buddies over to the house and encouraged erotic play.. So, I guess i'm just saying.. stay calm, keep her reassured, and hopefully she'll come to the conclusion that she was okay with it at the time, and has no right to throw it up to you.. Good luck... don't act guilty.. that will just verify her initial reaction and fuel the fire.. but hopefully not.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Slevin I think you kinda hit the nail on the head.

She loves attention and the fact that other people lust after her and are often offering/asking her to have threesome.

 

Earlier when she first starting seeing her male friend it was "were just friends" which was true they went to high school together but then I could tell it was turning into something else quickly, and I dont think she would ever cheat on me but we have talked about it and see likes the secrecy the quick sexy texts and the whole game. When I asked her if she wanted to fuck him she said I dont know probably......then we talked more and I gave her permission (I hate how that sounds) to go and have fun as long as she told me everything and there were no lies.

 

However it wasnt until I brought it up that I was feeling a little left out watching the kids all the time while she goes out and has fun that she started changing things around for me....which she did big time this weekend if she wasnt upset I would be the happiest freaking person in the world right now.

 

I am getting a bit of the vibe of she wants her cake and eat it too....however she hasnt fucked her friend yet and I think that maybe that bothers her some...that I fucked someone first. Even though she is well on track to fuck her boyfriend anytime in the near furture.

 

I dont know, I just texted her and we are going for a walk after we get home from work.....hopefully we can talk some things out.

[Chicup 41]

Your wife isn't a swinger, thats the problem.

 

You were hot wifing. She got to have her cake and didn't have to come to grips with her jealousies and insecurities. You came to grips with yours a while ago, you wanted her to play around, and she did. Then suddenly she sees you doing the same and that visceral green monster comes out even though logically there is no reason she should have it.

 

But thats only part of the problem. The real problem is that you don't communicate, or more she doesn't. If you can't talk about sex and swinging, you can't really be a swinger, communication is the most important swinger "trait".

 

Finally by giving her the option for other men without you, you have created a grass is greener situation. She has a place she can go when she leaves you if she chooses.

 

Basically you done goofed. It happens all the time here, and I really makes me sad because we have seen marriages die on this board do to these kind of mistakes. It will be up to your wife to rationalize her behavior and emotions.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Well long, long conversations last night. Emotions are high, to say my wife is pissed is a understatement.

 

If I wasnt so persitant in trying talk about it it would definitly be over.

 

I think we are making some progress but I think/hope it is just going to take some time.

 

I appreciate all the comments and advice, I will check back and let you guys know what happens.

 

It will be a dam shame if we fail though, we had a pretty bad ass marrage.

[angelkin 1,326]

Always curious, I wish you the best of luck in getting over this in your relationship. I hope that the two of you can agree to stop all extra-marital activities until this is all sorted out and maybe longer. Don't let this one obstacle get you thinking your bad ass marriage is anywhere near over...time will heal all wounds.

[lovinher 505]

I dont have any advice that hasn't already been said.

But if this is enough to cause you two to split up then perhaps your marriage wasn't as bad ass you thought.

I hope things work out. Who knows your marraige may be stronger after the storm dies down.

Let us know how things go.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Always curious, I wish you the best of luck in getting over this in your relationship. I hope that the two of you can agree to stop all extra-marital activities until this is all sorted out and maybe longer. Don't let this one obstacle get you thinking your bad ass marriage is anywhere near over...time will heal all wounds.

 

Thanks, unfortunatly she is on this vendictive I am going to go do something to hurt you kick at the moment....which isnt really going to hurt me just makes things worse......................I dont really know what is going on right now she literally just sent me one of those old timey looking e-cards via text saying "my wife finally gave me a threesome. She and her divorce lawyer fucked me."

 

At any other time it would actually be kinda of a funny text.............oh well.

 

If she does decide to divorce me at least I will have a hell of a divorce story:(

[junglecouple 127]

Buy a motorcycle and enjoy the freedom, if it comes to that.. Wind in your face will make any day better.

[Chicup 41]

To me it sounds like she now has her excuse she was looking for. I do not think this was the cause, or even the straw that broke the camels back, I think she has wanted this for some time.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Buy a motorcycle and enjoy the freedom, if it comes to that.. Wind in your face will make any day better.

 

LOL!! I literally already have 5 bikes..............but hell one more might make me feel a little better.

 

And yes I dont think there anything more theraputic then a nice long ride......only shitty thing is I live in Ohio

[alwayscurious34 32]

To me it sounds like she now has her excuse she was looking for. I do not think this was the cause, or even the straw that broke the camels back, I think she has wanted this for some time.

 

I know from my descriptions and what I am telling on here it may sound like that but I really dont think so...but then again what the hell do I know.

 

I never gave her a reason to want or feel the need to leave she had all the freedom in the world all I asked was to be informed........shit I even watched the kids, without me she will have to get a baby sitter.

[Chicup 41]

I know from my descriptions and what I am telling on here it may sound like that but I really dont think so...but then again what the hell do I know.

 

I never gave her a reason to want or feel the need to leave she had all the freedom in the world all I asked was to be informed........shit I even watched the kids, without me she will have to get a baby sitter.

 

This is exactly where I think you went wrong. You were the baby sitter NOT the husband. You were beta instead of alpha. You were not exciting, you were not new, you were not fun. Now she gets to blame you for the divorce too.

 

Being you allowed her to play, she DID play, and then has this sort of instant divorce reaction isn't normal. Its not the reaction of someone hurt by what happened, and to me it feels like an "I got ya!" thing.

 

If I were a betting man, I'd put money on this being the case, and I'd also put money on her doing more then a BJ with her male friend.

 

What I don't know is how to fix it, but you won't fix it by saying you are sorry and being the nice guy, at least in my opinion.

 

I mean for Jebus's sake you ASKED and she said YES and then suddenly she wants a divorce? Hell her friend and her may have set this up. I'm sorry but this whole story stinks.

[alwayscurious34 32]

This is exactly where I think you went wrong. You were the baby sitter NOT the husband. You were beta instead of alpha. You were not exciting, you were not new, you were not fun. Now she gets to blame you for the divorce too.

 

Being you allowed her to play, she DID play, and then has this sort of instant divorce reaction isn't normal. Its not the reaction of someone hurt by what happened, and to me it feels like an "I got ya!" thing.

 

If I were a betting man, I'd put money on this being the case, and I'd also put money on her doing more then a BJ with her male friend.

 

What I don't know is how to fix it, but you won't fix it by saying you are sorry and being the nice guy, at least in my opinion.

 

I mean for Jebus's sake you ASKED and she said YES and then suddenly she wants a divorce? Hell her friend and her may have set this up. I'm sorry but this whole story stinks.

 

Well shit when you put it like that..........maybe I am just a blind ass.

 

And I get your point about being beta but at the same time she would stay home with the kids so I could go out only I wasnt trying to hook up or anything........................dude now you really got me thinking...........I wouldnt think she would go through so much trouble just to try to leave me especially in our finacial situation, thing is she owns everything (on paper) other than the bikes even both cars. But I am the one who brings home more money.....if I go so does the house she could not aford it on her own.............who the hell knows...................now I am even more confused by this whole thing

[naughty_kitten 56]

Ever heard of child support or alimony? Mind you I don't agree with chicup that this was somehow premeditated.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Ever heard of child support or alimony? Mind you I don't agree with chicup that this was somehow premeditated.

 

We havent been married long enough for alimony in Ohio (I think) and she would get a shit load less then what I give her now if she went the child support route.

 

I fork over almost 70% of my weekly income for bills expenses all that stuff and she handles the finaces......not many people do it that way but it has never been an issue for us......point is if all I had to pay was child support she would get maybe 1 of my paychecks every month vs. 70% of my pay every week.

 

It wold not be a good finacial move for her.........and besides I would not give up my daughter for anything in the world and she nows it.

She could take everything but not my daughter that aspect of things would get very ugly..................why am I talking about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chicup 41]

Ever heard of child support or alimony? Mind you I don't agree with chicup that this was somehow premeditated.

 

I didn't say it was premeditated, only that it could have been and I'd not be surprised. It could simply be the excuse she mentally needed to now claim to be the victim instead of the bad guy. The human mind works in odd ways to justify bad behavior.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because I've been in relationships with women who did stuff like your wife did (it's fine, honey, I hate you, how could you do that to me) and when it comes to crazy, where some people have compassion and empathy, I have a big ole whatever.

 

You did everything you could do to make sure your wife was okay with this. In fact, you actually did too much in facilitating her outside adventures without some long, possibly difficult discussions about what was and wasn't okay and what the dangers were, instead of going along with your wife's desire to not actually talk or plan. Excitement is great, but not at the expense of conversation and understanding, because this is not a children's game.

 

I don't think anything you do is really going to make a difference, because I'm with Chicup here in thinking your wife is using this as an excuse for some extraordinarily bad behavior, but if it were me I'd carefully explain that I had checked in at every step and I was letting myself off the hook for any subsequent explosions of drama bombs. Then I'd shrug my shoulders and start looking for a lawyer and a therapist/mediator, just to keep my options open.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Well a lot more talking last night.....one thing I can say is at least we are communicating, except it just seems to be the same circle.

 

She does not want to accept any responsibility for saying yes twice whats so ever.....its "you wanted to so I wasnt going to so say no"

when in general "no" is word that rolls off her tongue quit easily for anything I want to do when we are together and she is not in the mood or whatever.

She is just absolutly crusifing me with no regard for her actions what so ever

 

We have discussed everything and just about every option I think avaiable......

 

I suggested for her go out this weekend and do whatever she wants if it will make her feel "even the score" or whatever then we totally quit.

and her response is "oh I am"........how ever when I brought it up just quiting I would get no response or I dont know.

 

Then she suggests we just seperate in the house and just do our own things seperatly.....I said absolutly not.

 

I dont know, I am really close to the point of just saying screw it.........I feel I have done all that I can do and the ball is in her court if this going to work.

 

Only I am starting to have doubts if that is what she is interested in

[HanAndLeia 67]

The fact of the matter is, until you swing, you don't know if you're really "ok" with it.

 

Many women think they'll be ok with it, and then when it happens they freak out.

 

Soooo..

 

When it comes to the very first time trying the lifestyle, its always a roll of the dice.

 

/Han

[alwayscurious34 32]

Okay, so I can put a little closure to this thread.....first off though I would like to say thank you for all the comments and advice.

 

So after a nice long weekend, all is good.

 

A lot more talking few smokes, few drinks, and a little time, things are all good.

No divorce, no seperation, no vendictive getting even......we / I just basically went faster than what she thought she was ready for.

 

She never had a problem with another girl giving me oral and said that she had thought of me having sex with someone else but just needed some more time to process it.

So the first knee jerk reaction was anger, at me for going to fast, asking, maybe her a little bit for saying yes when really she wasnt ready yet, and probably a flood of emotions she wasnt ready for.

 

At any rate we spent a lot of time together this weekend at home and going out and genuily had fun again.

 

She is still going out with her "boyfriend" on ocassion and I guess we will be playing again at some point but I think I will make sure I take it a little slower next time.

 

So after a little scare........I still think we have a pretty bad ass marriage!!! LOL!!!

[Guest screaminggood]

You might want to be there when she goes out with the boyfriend? As someone else said, stop being the babysitter. If you're going to do it, for right now at least, you should be exploring together, not alone.

[crazinred 36]

Well I read the whole thread and I am glad things have seemed to smooth out for you. I feel its best for couples to start together. Get comfortable in this life style together and then if it works the play separate. But you started past this point and gave her free reins and she took them. Now it seem you 2 need to rethink the separate part for awhile. I love satisfying Red with another man its a great thing and we all have a great time. So as suggested above you may want to do a 3some mfm with her and her male friend. This is also a reason we prefer to not play with friends but to become friends with people we play with.

Best of luck and enjoy this Great Ohio weather

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

One thing I have learned - don't be the beta. You don't have to be the overbearing alpha, but if you're not in a femdom relationship, you best be the alpha. I read the entire thread also. I agree wholeheartedly with screaminggood and crazinred - do an MFM. It'll be an expense or hassle to get a baby sitter, but tell her you'll do an MFM with her boyfriend so you're there with her. It'll be for two purposes. First and foremost, it'll be all about her. She wants the attention, right? Then give it to her from both ends. Secondly, observe their interactions. Finally, y'all need to learn to communicate. By talking through things this past weekend only proves you need to talk more. Nurse and my communication is off the charts. It's one of the best features of our relationship. Note that I said one. Just my two cents. Good luck buddy! ~Captain

[slevin 1,374]

My opinion; as soon as you start thinking in terms of whether you're the "alpha" or the "beta", you're off on the wrong track.

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

Okay, so for some reason I fell asleep thinking about this whole situation last night. One fleeting thought came to mind as I dozed off. What if she's not out playing at all? You gave her a hall pass to do this alone. Are you certain she and this other guy are really doing blowjobs? What if she really isn't into any of this, but is playing along to appease you? What if she was worried you were going to far in this situation and now that you have had sex with another woman in front of her, it scares her as to how far this could go? As mentioned previously, this comes down to playing together when you start out and get to know who your partner is in this lifestyle. You get to see how your partner is reacting and interacting when you're out with them. You can talk to them through the whole meeting and watch their body language. I couldn't imagine playing without Nurse beside me. I get it that you have small ones at home, but in my opinion, you really should do this together to start out.

 

As for the alpha/beta thing, that was meant about the relationship. Be in charge. Most women want the man to lead and be in charge. Most of the time if the male is passive it causes problems. This is my observation and my opinion only which is worth maybe a tenth of 1/10th of one cent... ~Captain

[LiveLoveHaveFun 114]

Sounds to me like she needs to grow up and accept that the emotions she's going through are a result of her actions. She's blaming you like a little kid would. Recognize it for what it is and be steady. Be realistic as to what it may mean for your marriage as it sounds like you have and be supportive and loving with her. Avoid arguing and do the best you can. She'll work it out one way or another and you'll know what to do from there.

 

Best of luck.

 

Alicia

[alwayscurious34 32]

Wow, a lot to take in here on the last few comments......so I will try to address all of them..

 

First the beta / Alpha thing....I am not tooting my horn or anything but I am very alpha in our relationship. I dont have a problem with her going out because it makes her happy (prior to the boy friend thing) I am not a insecure, overbearing, jealous, husband.....if she wants to go out and have drinks with her friends its okay......she does the same for me and when we have a sitter we go out together.

 

The "playing" seperate thing kinda took us both by supprise. But I definitly was the one that promoted and pushed it.....heres the thing I met the guy before they started flirting, so I know who he is and he knows who I am. He does not know that my wife tells me everything. He thinks she is cheating behind my back.

She shows me the texts.....and maybe a glimpse of how fucked up I am, we will bang or I will have her blow me while she is sexting him on the phone and call her a dirty whore and all that kinda stuff.....it is fun for us. I dont think she has done more with him, again I have seen the texts it pretty much spells out what they have done....repeatedly...LOL!!!.....also that is just her style she doesnt like to have sex with people right away she teases the shit out of them....how do I know.....she did the same thing with me.

 

As far as having a three some with her boyfriend, it would never happen, 1 she is not into MFM (I know weird) but she stands by it. I have brought it up numerous times. 2 he is just not that type of guy and from what we can best figure out he is not that sexually experienced. Also I know it doesnt conform to the typical rules of swinging but it would take all of the fun, danger, sneaking (even though she is not sneaking) around part out of it.....the naughtness I guess.

 

However though, things are still good with the wife and I....she still has a moment here or there where she gets a little mad about the whole thing but not like really mad just a fleeting thought or emotion then its good again, I still think things are just new.

 

Its kind of a weird situation really becasue she likes the whole secret life style, going to the club that no one knows about, she likes girls, she likes having a boy friend/play mate thing, but when it comes to like actual swinging it doesnt really set her off. We met a awesome couple a while back and I will mention it once and a while about calling them just to go out and see where it goes but I dont think she is interested becasue she doenst just like the casual sex thing. She likes the flirting and the chase.....you want me, try to get me thing.

 

I dont know...............we are definitly not doing the "norm" from what I read on here but other than our one "issue" things have been going really good.

 

Also I think her and the boyfriend are done, they were supposed to go out several times over the last week or so and he has bailed or cancled plans....so something is up with him. Which really kinda sucks becasue it was really just starting to get fun......I would tease her she would tease me and it would drive me crazy kind of like a self torture thing........I dont know I am weird with some things.

 

I know there has been a lot of speculation as to my wifes motives and her reactions would probably make one think that especially over the internet.

But I really dont doubt my wifes love for me and I definitly trust her, especially since we were able to work through this situation.....I really think since we made it though that we could make it though anything.......I cant imagine anything worse or at as high a level ever really happening.....and I am not trying to be nieve either I just think that as pissed as she was we were able to work through it and if something happened again we could do it again.

 

I will also say this I have learned a lot also.....like pay a little more atttention to boundries and be a better mind reader...LOL!!!

[CaptainAndNurse 17]

I know there has been a lot of speculation as to my wifes motives and her reactions would probably make one think that especially over the internet.

But I really dont doubt my wifes love for me and I definitly trust her, especially since we were able to work through this situation.....I really think since we made it though that we could make it though anything.......I cant imagine anything worse or at as high a level ever really happening.....and I am not trying to be nieve either I just think that as pissed as she was we were able to work through it and if something happened again we could do it again.

 

I will also say this I have learned a lot also.....like pay a little more atttention to boundries and be a better mind reader...LOL!!!

 

Awesome closing comments! I get it. Sounds like y'all on a great course to discover what exactly it is you desire from the lifestyle. I am certain you'll find it and the people you can enjoy the journey with if that's what you're wanting.

 

I'm not judging or really implying anything. Just writing down my thoughts. Never worry about the "norm." Normal isn't normal in the lifestyle. I think that is one of the things that draws me to it. It is so dynamic. There are no typical rules except the "no means no," so keep on keeping on. ~Captain

[M&S 266]

I just started following this thread now, and something you said in your first post really catches my attention and leads me to believe that this situation may repeat itself over and over.

 

You said when you wanted to talk about rules and boundaries that she was not into this, and wanted to figure things out as you/she went. This is fine if you are both willing to accept that in the process of figuring things out as you go, there will be missteps. If she has limits on what she is comfortable with you doing she should be obliged to share them with you. I can fully appreciate that she may not have known she had limits and it took seeing you having sex with another woman to realize that she wanted you to have boundaries. But now she knows. She owes it to you to have the conversation she wasn't willing to have last time. Otherwise I fear this drama will repeat over and over.

 

This is an ideal time for you to negotiate the terms of your relationship, as opposed to later, whe she is angry at you you for crossing another line you sis not know existed.

[alwayscurious34 32]

Okay so a little more follow up to this thread,

 

I showed this thread to my wife the other night…….and she says I left out one major detail.

 

So over the last year when we were discussing threesomes, swinging, everything in general…..my stance was that if we had a threesome, I was not overly interested in having sex with the other girl…..that I would if she (wife) was into it but not a major goal on my part.

 

I will let this float for a bit and then show her the responses if any later.

[slevin 1,374]

Still doesn't change the fact that you asked and she said to go ahead. It might not be what you'd been saying all along, but she had a chance to say no. You both still have a part in the responsibility for going ahead with it. I think the thing to learn from that part of the issues is that you both need to feel comfortable speaking up and saying no. Both of you need to take an active role in overtly communicating what you want/don't want, especially during the actual event.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Here's a thing that children say: "But, you promised!".

 

In the moment, you asked and she answered. If it wasn't something she wanted you to do, that was the time to tell you. If her reservations happened after the fact, that was the time for her to own both her feelings and her responsibility for allowing it. Neither of those things happened, so your theoretical disinterest is a pointless thing to interject.

 

Swinging is not for children. It is an adult activity and requires adult responsibilities.

[notthatcurious 15]

My thoughts on this...you probably have been talking about this with your partener for quite some time. She may not have wanted to talk to you everyday about it since you seem very persistant. However, you did talk to her about this many times. I would be willing to bet that all of this was your idea. I would bet that you practically pushed her out the door to go out with this other guy. I would bet that you repeatadly told her that you only wanted to see her with another girl and would love just to watch. You may have even said I would never fuck anybody else unless you wanted me to or demanded you to do so. She sounds like the type of girl that sex is personal to. She probably told you that that would never turn her on. She probably went out of her way to set us this so called 3some to give u that 2 girl blowjob that you wanted. you probably confused and hurt her when you asked to fuck her friend because you said that that would never happen. Everyone was probably drunk. she never told you to fuck someone, you asked. Did you look at her in the eye and ask? Cause a husband should always know. She shouldn't have said yes. Sounds like she just wanted to make you happy since you ended up wanting something you never verbally expressed to her before. she does have some responsibility in saying yes. however my advise would be stick to what was discussed many times, then talk about your feelings and desires afterwards so you can make a plan for the next time. But it doesn't sound like there will be a "next time". Good luck to you sir.

[slevin 1,374]

Did you look at her in the eye and ask? Cause a husband should always know.

 

I don't buy this. Yes I can often tell when my wife isn't being forthcoming, but in the midst of a highly charged sexual environment this is too much to expect. Open and clear communication is the only thing that works here IMO. Relying on "my words said yes, but my eyes said no" is a disaster waiting to happen.

[alwayscurious34 32]

My thoughts on this...you probably have been talking about this with your partener for quite some time. She may not have wanted to talk to you everyday about it since you seem very persistant. However, you did talk to her about this many times. I would be willing to bet that all of this was your idea. I would bet that you practically pushed her out the door to go out with this other guy. I would bet that you repeatadly told her that you only wanted to see her with another girl and would love just to watch. You may have even said I would never fuck anybody else unless you wanted me to or demanded you to do so. She sounds like the type of girl that sex is personal to. She probably told you that that would never turn her on. She probably went out of her way to set us this so called 3some to give u that 2 girl blowjob that you wanted. you probably confused and hurt her when you asked to fuck her friend because you said that that would never happen. Everyone was probably drunk. she never told you to fuck someone, you asked. Did you look at her in the eye and ask? Cause a husband should always know. She shouldn't have said yes. Sounds like she just wanted to make you happy since you ended up wanting something you never verbally expressed to her before. she does have some responsibility in saying yes. however my advise would be stick to what was discussed many times, then talk about your feelings and desires afterwards so you can make a plan for the next time. But it doesn't sound like there will be a "next time". Good luck to you sir.

 

Annnnnnnd............say hello to my wife everyone.

[notthatcurious 15]

That is the point of talking about it. Bbefore hand ;-) because it is "charged"

[slevin 1,374]

That is the point of talking about it. Bbefore hand ;-) because it is "charged"

 

And when a direct question is asked of you in the moment, a direct answer is needed.

[Alura 2,774]

Welcome to the discussion, Mrs. Notthatcurious! We're anxious to learn your opinion.

 

Can you share your feelings about swinging in twenty-five words or less?

 

Alura

[notthatcurious 15]

Well. Th happen to need a little more time to contemplate....but this is all old news....on to the next

[notthatcurious 15]

That was supposed to say "I need more time"...damn phone

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm confused are Always and Notthat married? Why is one in Ohio and one in Florida?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm confused are Always and Notthat married? Why is one in Ohio and one in Florida?

 

I'm guessing the first answer is yes and the second is...they're not communicating?

[Guest sandraandalex]

One thought, at the moment of truth, with the other girl begging for your cock, the moment dripping with lust, you ask your wife if it's okay to fuck her ? Really ? That's not really the moment in time to explore your options. It's way too charged up for honest disclosure without any regrets.For me, it's as if there's another man's cum dripping from my lips and than I ask my husband if it's okay to swallow.

[notthatcurious 15]

Oh lord...thank you! Well said ;-)

[slevin 1,374]

One thought, at the moment of truth, with the other girl begging for your cock, the moment dripping with lust, you ask your wife if it's okay to fuck her ? Really ? That's not really the moment in time to explore your options. It's way too charged up for honest disclosure without any regrets.For me, it's as if there's another man's cum dripping from my lips and than I ask my husband if it's okay to swallow.

 

We are a softswap couple, but had played with another couple a number of times who were a fullswap couple. At one point the other guy wanted to have sex with my wife, and she wanted to fuck him too. It wasn't our agreement, wasn't in our rules, so she looked over at me and asked if it was ok. It wasn't ok with me so I told her I wasn't ready for that. It was no big deal to anyone there, even though we were all in that highly charged situation with him between her legs ready to fuck. We all just went back to what we had been doing with softswap.

 

She asked a direct question and I gave a direct answer and everyone respected it.

[Guest sandraandalex]

But that's not what happened in his case. They screwed up. You didn't. Whoopsidaisy.

 

Because you had several soft play experiences, you had better lines of communication and expectations. They didn't. When a new option presented itself, you were able to handle it very well. But I can tell you this, many other couples would have found themselves with the miscommunication and drama these two have had. I'm glad you didn't and it speaks to your level of self actualization and maturity.

 

For us, we have a no crime ,no foul policy. We will never hold someone accountable for what happens in the heat of the moment. We can talk about it later and redirect our course, but we won't ,"beat the other up for it." Now, neither of us would blatantly compromise the other's boundaries, yet, because we are playing with the fringes of human sexuality , once in a while, we are going to get our nose bloodied, metaphorically speaking.

 

Though, ultimately, we've had mostly nothing but pure fun. Then again, we don't go looking for trouble in each others behaviors, either.