Dealing with rejection strategies

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

(Carryover #2 from tonight's chat).

 

How do you deal with rejection?

 

1. If you aren't interested how do you go about letting someone know in a tactful manner? Or do you just drop off the face of the earth and figure they will get the message?

 

2. How do you handle things when you are rejected? Do you write back asking why? Do you continue to talk with them in hopes that they will change their minds or that you can at least be friends? Or do you just drop it and move on?

 

What if the people involved are people you have already become friends with and you want to maintain that friendship but one side or the other has made it clear that they don't want more than that?

[wrnakedru 38]

We always respond to email, unless it is so crudely or rudely worded it is not worthy of response. But when the approach is one expressing interest, we feel it is just good manners to respond.

Because we spell out in our profiles the particulars as to what we seek (another married couple), and we try to express our goal of long term friendships - we are disappointed when we hear from folks whose profile in many ways is not a match for us. We feel such contact is often a "mass mail-out" to probably all couples of whatever criteria within a certain geographic area. Even so, we resist the temptation to shoot off a "can't you people read"? response. We take the time to point out the differences that make us not a good match. But thank them for their interest and for contacting us.

Probably about 60% of the time, we get no reply from that, nor do we expect one. Surprisingly, about 30% of the time, we do get a reply - thanking us for having the courtesy to respond and wishing us well.

Then there's that really strange 10% - the ones who have written expressing interest. We reply, stating the reasons for a non-match but thanking them, etc. etc. And we get back a nasty venomous hateful message that just leaves you thinking "huh?"

Case in point: I quote below one such exchange. First their email to us:

 

Re: We're interested

 

Hello, we're interested in meeting you two, for same room fun, if available?

Phil and Diane

 

So we go read their profile, and realize that perhaps they didn't read ours, but never the less, we respond as follows:

 

Thank you for writing to us and expressing an interest. While we would agree we have some things in common, we believe we also have some important ones (to us) that are not commonly held. It is very important to us that a couple be married. We believe this to be a leveling of the foundation each is operating

from.

It seems also that you seek activity much more quickly that we do. We are seeking long term friendships with the intimate side being only one aspect of the friendship, therefore we are more inclined to a lengthier period prior to shared sexual activity.

Due to these described variances, we do not feel that we are a good match for one another. We do thank you again for the

contact and we wish you the best of success in your endeavors.

 

And in return we get this:

 

THank you, you're right it is obviously not a good match, I don't think being married has anything to do with swinging, most of the folks we've swing with were not, and that's way too demanding for us as well! We're real swinger, and know what we want, we don't have to spend time looking like you two! Slow for us mean soft swap, why tease if you can't please! Have a nice life!

 

GRRRRRR!

This sort of thing just makes my blood boil! While there is a part of me that realizes these folks aren't worthy of the energy of my ire, much less the volumes I would so LOVE to fire off to them - it is a temptation to do so in the extreme.

But I make myself wait at least two days - and by then the urge has diminished to the point I can usually live with just deleting their last email, and blocking them from writing to us again. (not that this is too likely, but it makes me feel better anyway)

 

I'd be interested in knowing if others have had this experience, and how they have dealt with it. These idiots, few though they may be, sometimes leave me feeling perhaps we'd just be better off not responding when our reply is negative.

[Oleg&Lena 43]

We always tactfully try to communicate with pairs at correspondence. And always we speak "No", when we do not want to continue acquaintance.

We never try to find out the reasons on which other party ceases to communicate with us.

But in the majority people are not tactful. To us never spoke "No". Usually they stop to write letters.

Last case has left at us in heart unpleasant feeling. We hoped not only for sex, but also on friendship. But...

During meetings all was excellent, not only sex, but also dialogue too. But in time between meetings they vanished.

And once were gone for ever.

[D Wilde 1 15]

We simply let the people know that the situation is not right for us and we appreciate thier interest in us. I also (if possible) recommend someone else that maybe interestecd.

 

If we are rejected them we leave it as is. Sometimes they will continue to talk to us as friends. Which they initiate. Other then that we do not take it personally because not all situations are, One size fits all.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Originally posted by Oleg&Lena

Last case has left at us in heart unpleasant feeling. We hoped not only for sex, but also on friendship. But...

During meetings all was excellent, not only sex, but also dialogue too. But in time between meetings they vanished.

And once were gone for ever.

 

Unfortunately, tovarisch, sometimes this happens, and I think I know why. Occasionally you will meet a couple where one member is really hot for, say, your wife, but the other is not that interested in you. You meet, maybe even have sex (hell, even good sex, as in your case), then poof, they are gone. I think what happens is the one who was not that interested just went along to keep the spouse happy. But after the first encounter he/she puts their foot down and says "Nyet" and they disappear.

 

I know this can happen, because it's happened to us, but if anyone has an alternate explanation, feel free to trot it out.

 

It's not right that these things happen, but they do on occasion. All you can do is hang in there and keep looking. Eventually you will find the couple you are looking for.

 

Do svidanya, y'all...

 

Bear

[bear_n_bunny 43]

We will reply to any email we get, even if it's just to say "no, thanks", unless it's so moronic as to be unworthy of a reply. Those three or four word messages you get now and then fall under this category, especially if it's along the lines of "wanna fuck?".

 

If we write someone and don't get a response, we just forget about it. We make it clear in our profiles that if we write someone, we expect a response, even if it's just to say "no thanks", just as we will do, because that is common courtesy. If we don't get an answer, our consensus will be that these people are either egregiously rude (fuck 'em), or so dumb they can't read, and/or they never got past our pictures, in which case we REALLY are not interested (fuck 'em and the horse they rode in on).

 

I guess we've been lucky in that we've never received anything like what wrnakedru have in terms of nastiness. If we did, knowing me, you can imagine the parting shot they'd get...

 

Bear

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

To overact to rejection is dangerous.

 

I simply take a razor blade and start slicing parts of my body until I feel better.

 

People really need to find tools to handle this.

 

John

[nc_couple_28304 18]

Originally posted by wrnakedru

I'd be interested in knowing if others have had this experience, and how they have dealt with it. These idiots, few though they may be, sometimes leave me feeling perhaps we'd just be better off not responding when our reply is negative.

 

We have only had one response back that was negative after a few e-mails from this cple we decided we were not interested after this letter.

 

Second Contact from them:

Hi again, I'll tell you a little about us, We like going to clubs, when we can, the beach of course. I'm a hairstylist and I manage a salon, he's a electrical contractor. We are looking for a couple that meets our expectations, and I think there set a little high, We haven't met anyone that we would come close to what we're looking for. I consider us a very attractive couple, so we want the same. We're not going to hook up with just anyone. We arae new to this lifestyle and would like to meet a couple that are willing to take it step by step and not want to full swap the first time we meet. Could you send a pic of the two of you and I will send one back.

 

WE RESPONDED WITH:

Glad to hear back from you. However, At this time, I don't think we would be compatible. We appreciate your honesty and hope you find what you are seeking, however, we do not plan on winning any "who's hot" contest anytime soon.(even though we are not unpleasant to look at.) Again, I understand your honesty and appreciate it. We hope you find what u are seeking.

 

THeir Response was:

Hey this wasn't about a Hot contest, we we're looking someone that we would be attracted, because we're not looking to meet or hook up with someone we're not attracted to, so that must have been you guys. We were also looking a couple that we could hang out with and be friends with. Good luck in your search

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

This drove me crazy as I wanted to point out how "vain" there last e-mail was and to send them pics just to prove differently but after a day or too i reread my e-mail and realized that i probably provoked the last e-mail by the "whos hot" comment.

[fun_pairTX 26]

When we don't want to play we simply say that the chemistry just doesn't seem right. Straightforward and to the point.

 

If we are rejected, we move on life is too short to waste time spinning your wheels. Do we care why? Not really

[RockrcplOrlando 15]

MY wife, used to be heavy....Last March ( of 2002) she had gastric bypass surgery, not as a vanity thing but simply because at 24 she was tired of always being tired. Since then she's lost about half of her body weight, and while my wife wasn't ever unattractive, at least to people that got to know us. Having said that, there were lots couples that had no interest in us when she was heavier and while most prolly still don't have an interest in us there are a few now have made it known that they'd be interested in playing with us. We feel that since we're the same people we always were, and they weren't interested in us then, they shouldn't be interested now....is this the wrong tact to take do you think. Keep in mind we're not the type of people that just want to play...we do want to have a friendship in place first. Would you give these people the chance to get to know us now, or would you write them off as shallow and superficial. I do understand this is only how we perceive it, the shallow and superficial statement, but because we base a lot of what we find attractive in people not on how they look, but their personality, is it wrong to hold others to our standards.

[windsor4fun2 130]

Originally posted by RockrcplOrlando

is it wrong to hold others to our standards.

 

I don't think it is ever wrong to hold people to your standards. Just don't be an ass about it.

 

As to giving the people a second chance, sure why not. Everyone deserves a second chance. If they are shallow and superficial you'll learn it soon enough and can tell them "no thanks" and have the satisfaction of knowing you better people than them.

 

Jesse

[Alura 2,774]

Back when we first got a computer, we thought we might be able to meet someone through an on-line ad and responded to an Oklahoma couple who seemed interesting, giving them general information about ourselves and our first names.

 

We received a reply, "Haven't we met before? We remember those names..."

 

We wrote back saying, "No, we've never answered an ad before."

 

Our email was returned, "This person has chosen not to receive emails from you."

 

I guess that's rejection, but my impulse was to look in the mirror to see if a question mark was hovering above my head.

 

 

Mr. Alura

[Weezie 16]

It's hard to tell people that there just isn't a connection. I hate to say this but we've not answered emails and fallen off the face of the earth. I just can't be mean or ugly to someone so I guess that's why we take the silent approach. Sorry.

People have rejected us. It hurts like hell, I won't lie. My husband takes it better than I do. I am extremely sensitive and get very upset over it. It is a major flaw of mine and I wish I could roll with the punches better.

And this ties in with this also...Our good friend just moved away so I understand she is really busy right now, but I have this horrible nagging feeling. I feel like she's always in a hurry and trying to get rid of me. I feel like I'm being a burden to her. Conversations prove otherwise, so why do I still feel this way? Or am I just sad because she's gone?

 

()()

[RockrcplOrlando 15]

I can certainly relate to the friends moving thing, although our friends make an effort as we do to stay in touch, they moved to destin from Orlando for a job he got...and while it's only 6 hours to get there...it is 6 hours to get there...lol anyway we miss them dearly, and i just wanted to say i can relate

[J & K 16]

if we write someone, we expect a response, even if it's just to say "no thanks", just as we will do, because that is common courtesy. If we don't get an answer, our consensus will be that these people are either egregiously rude (fuck 'em), or so dumb they can't read, and/or they never got past our pictures, in which case we REALLY are not interested

 

We haven't yet been rejected when we write folks, but it has been the other way around 90% of the time for those who write us.

 

For every 10 adult e-mails we send out we get 8 returns wishing to meet (they are too far away most of the time). Now when we make friends and still do contacting we get replies about 10% of the time. They have read them---they just don't write back. Some friends eh? Only write when they want to play.

 

If we have to reject an e-mail we just say, "Thx for looking at us---we are unable to meet at this time---we wish you the best of luck in your search". No one has ever gotten nasty with us yet doing it that way. We hate rejecting anybody because there are a lot of nice folks out there, but we feel there also has to be an attraction if we ever plan to swing with anybody. We have made friends with swingers and never plan to swing with them because one half of the cpl doesn't make a spark for one of us in the "LOOKS" dept., but the personality is there for the friendship. (Open a can of worms here now)

 

Rejection sucks the most for men we think. Men have it hard in this lifestyle to impress women in sex appeal. Most have personality going for them---which counts the most.

[Pat_38NV 17]

My husband and I almost always reply courteously, either in e-mail, or even in person, that we aren't interested or that simply the 'vibes' are not right. Three-quarters of the time they respect that and all is well. I think that is because we have pretty well screened people to get to the go/no-go point in the first place. By that time we pretty much know how to address the issue.

 

What makes me mad, and it could just be me, are those that follow up with 'Why not?' To me, if we say 'no thanks', then the subject is over. Maybe its none of their business as to why not. In the very least they need to respect that as our answer.

 

We have been rejected at times as well, and when that happens we don't push it. If we did, we know SOMEONE was going to be strained somehow. There are other people to get to know without getting bent out of shape over each rejection.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

We use a standard response to couples online that we decice to reject:

 

"Thank you for writing. We appreciate your interest in us, but we must reject your offer."

 

We make it a point to not to give any reason why we rejected them. This is in the spirit of the lifestyle's universal rule, "No means no." Furthermore, because getting rejected is painful enough, going into detail about why you rejected someone can be akin to "twisting the knife."

 

In wrnakedru's rejection e-mail, the rejected couple possibly felt that wrnakedru was personally criticizing them, so they felt compelled to respond. That doesn't mean that they should have responded, but a less detailed rejection would have been less likely to elict anger.

 

One couple had the audacity to write back to let us know they weren't interested because Greg was black. Not only was it painful to get rejected because of the color of Greg's skin, but we felt misled because their ad didn't mention anything about their racial preferences. But as much as we wanted to defend ourselves, we let the situation end right there. After all, "No means no."

 

A number of couples we write to never bother writing back. In some ways that's easier to take than being directly rejected, but it always leaves us with a feeling of resentment toward the other couple for not showing us any common courtesy. Still, we realize there are a lot of flakes on the internet, so we try to not let that bother us too much.

[customhardtail 17]

We respond to all e-mails. If we are not interested we just say "Thanks for the interest. Sorry we're not interested right now." and leave it at that.

 

If we get a reply from someone that we contacted and they are not interested. Then that is that...

 

Where I have a hard time is when we have e-mailed with others and all seems great, then we meet them and there is now physical attraction. That's when I have a hard time telling them that we aren't interested...never know what to say.

[customhardtail 17]

OOOOPPPPSSSS! Meant no physical attraction.:slam"

[SyberG&C 15]

Weve went to parties were couples

that were pushy or just not into our

rules. Weve tried a few aproaches

but telling someone you thought

was right for you online but now

met and decided against is the

hardest thing to do. We didnt want

to just dissapear but when you

explain things just didnt fire up.

Things sure do fire up! Were still

putting a few out lol

 

G&C

[Elusive BiFem 70]

All in all, I think many of us make too big a deal out of rejection. Both being rejected and serving rejection. Myself included sometimes, although I have gotten better with both. Practice on both ends of the scale, I suppose.

 

I try to always remember that just like I am not attracted to everyone I meet...everyone that meets me is not attracted to me. That doesn't make either of us right or wrong. Just different in what we personally feel attracted to. I respect their opinions and anticipate they will respect mine. If they do and we do, we may on occasion become friends with similar interests. If not, then I don't want them for a friend anyway, so it doesn't matter.

 

Rejection should always be given and received with finesse - leaving the giver or receiver feeling good about themselves in spite of the differences in attraction. Some people are rude and will never be anything but. If so, that is THEIR problem as long as I feel comfortable that I've handled things well on my end. And that works both ways. -EBF

[yawanna 17]

Wow! Interesting reading!

 

We've gotten the obviously form letters on the few occasions we've posted ads, which we don't answer. We'd like people to be genuinely interested in finding out about US, not in seeing how many people they can catch with a throw of the net.

 

We've had our share of trading emails, even pics, and then people stop responding and we just let it go.

 

It seems so many people are far too 'chicken' to be honest with a 'no thanks'. We know of two couples who were on 'dates', invited the other couple back to their home, the other couple would say they were just going to get something from the car... and then drive off! They just couldn't say what they wanted, or didn't want.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by yawanna

It seems so many people are far too 'chicken' to be honest with a 'no thanks'. We know of two couples who were on 'dates', invited the other couple back to their home, the other couple would say they were just going to get something from the car... and then drive off! They just couldn't say what they wanted, or didn't want.

 

Now that's really an interesting and "adult" way to handle things.

 

Which brings up another point with me. I haven't been that involved for that long, but it has really amazed me that this lifestyle - one intended for "card-carrying" adults, I believe - is filled with such juvenile behavior. If I met someone and got cold feet at the last minute that is exactly what I would say..."sorry I wasted your time - it wasn't intentional - thought I was ready for this - but the reality just set it and I realize I'm not. But it has been a real pleasure meeting and talking with you..." And if they said something similar to me, I would shake their hand and thank them for their honesty and assure them that probably most go through the same feelings.

 

As for the two couples you know...Wow! Aren't they lucky that they "found out" before any involvement with such silly people.

- EBF

[Pat_38NV 17]

My husband and I met with a couple... the first time she really wasn't in the mood, and so we had a nice 3way, my husband, her husband and me.

 

The second time, she had a 'tummy ache'... once again, a 3way...

 

Come to find out from another swinging couple we knew, that was their usual thing... she would come along simply so he could get what he wanted.

[windsor4fun2 130]

Originally posted by Pat_38NV

Come to find out from another swinging couple we knew, that was their usual thing... she would come along simply so he could get what he wanted.

 

We knew a couple where the wife was not interested in playing. What she wanted was to watch her husband with the other woman or couple. Not a case of just going along for the ride so hubby could get his jollies. She got as much or more enjoyment as he did by watching the action.

Maybe this is the case here but she is unwilling to express it. Either way, if she isn't going to play they should be upfront about it.

 

Jesse

[impishcpl 15]

Whether you played and found no connection, or you didn't play and just met, or just chatted on the net, or whatever... I feel (female half ) that there should be some kind of communication. I agree that maybe not going into detail might be a good idea, however, hearing "thanks for the nice time and we enjoyed ourselves, but we find at this time we are not interested in pursuing anything" or " we didn't feel we connected that well" would let someone know...Okay, it was nothing we did, and it didn't work, we can move on and know why... makes for a better experience. I think that is the point. Just dropping off the face of the earth, well, that just isn't right. It may hurt someones feelings, and they don't know what they did, or like in our case...Did we do something wrong??? Was it something we said or did??? It would help to put things into perspective.

 

As for those ads (cuz I have to put my two cents in ALWAYS LOL) that state that they are in super duper condition and don't respond unless you are the same...Those really really steam me ... I don't think hubby and I are unattractive, but I know we are no Barbie and Ken either... but it doesn't come down to what we look like entirely... it comes down to who we am.... We won't even respond to those ads (however if they contact me, we do give a nice letdown i.e. the most common... thanks for the interest...etc...). But it was nice to see someone else have a gripe about it...lol...

 

Have super fantastic day everyone!

 

E.d. (impishcpl)