What kills a relationship?

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

This brings up an interesting thought. What is it that kills a relationship? Is it that they shouldnt have been together in the first place? Is it that one controls or one follows? Does swinging destroy relationships? Id bet that bringing up the idea has killed a few.

 

John

[Weezie 16]

John, those are all questions I've asked myself over the past few days.

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Originally posted by Weezie

John, those are all questions I've asked myself over the past few days.

 

Life answers them, but listen closely to it.

 

John

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I thought this was an interesting quesiton worthy of it's own topic so I split it off from where it was originally.

 

As far as my thoughts, I guess it depends on the relationship, as everyone is different.

 

I think one of the biggest relationship killers tho is Lack of Communication.

[M&B 21]

Here, it is Irreconcilable Differences.

 

In some cases, it is because it is Wednesday, and nothing good is on TV.

 

I am being facetious, I know.

 

I truly believe that in many cases, the real reason that a relationship dies is because "it can". By this, I mean that it is because it is allowed.

 

We allow ourselves to become complacent, too comfortable, too predictable and too much in a rut.

 

Why communicate when a game is on? If you're getting sex, doesn't that mean things are OK? If the kids would just shut up, I would be nicer. If I had more money, she would give me more sex.

 

It is the end of trying that kills a relationship. Why do we stop trying?

[EternallySingle 32]

Sometimes you get involved in a relationship thinking that you can bring the other person around to your way of thinking even though you know their feelings on a certain subject are just as strong as yours. When they don't change, it becomes a personal blow to your ego/pride/honor/psyche/well being because you really thought you could change when they saw how happy they could be doing/believing what you do/believe.

 

For example, I dated a woman for eight months who couldn't deal with the fact that I was non-denominational and would not join her church. To me that would be as life altering as asking her to go to a swing club or nude beach, which she told me she was totally against. I dropped the thought because I was happy just being with her. She couldn't work past the church thing, however, and we split up.

[M&B 21]

I think you touched on something.

 

People do try to change people. Now, I would not stick my neck out and say which sex is most likely to do this, but, one does this more than the other.

 

People meet each other and chemistry happens. During a period of getting to know each other, only the good things are paid attention to. Flaws are noticed, but, put in the background of people's awareness- for later. So, with all of the lovey-dovey feelings, what is concentrated on is the euphoria- the feeling of being in love.

 

If they enter a more serious relationship, then, over time, I think that the flaws start to stand out more. That is when the attempt to change the other person starts up.

 

It is funny how people can fall in love with a person, and end up wanting to love another person in the same body.

 

It the idea of an ideal.

 

No, B. I don't mean you. And yes, I will try harder to see that you are always right. And, no, I don't really mind if we wear those matching shirts and shorts. Yes dear.

 

edited: kidding of course.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

spontanios combustion can happen with the slightest spark! its the fuel that keeps the fire burning! take away the fuel and the fire dies! john look deep into the soul and find the fuel ! for if you do your fires will never die ,they may smolder once and a while but never die!

[M&B 21]

I think that you have a very valid point.

 

Spontaneous Human Combustion ends marriages instantly.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

you know m+b

 

you got a way of making my most serios of points funny!

 

i suppose yes exploding would end that marrige quickly but once again i was meteforicaly(hope thats right) speaking!

[azwildcat 15]

well, besides a shotgun and a shovel to bury the body!!!!!

 

i'd say it would have to be trust or the lack of it, when you or your mate don't trust one another then it can cause a lot of problem's in your relationship, as well as no communication.

 

 

i know i've had one marriage fail for the lack of trust. it will destroy just about any relationship, i think.

[thump29 16]

Well I have to agree with the others trust and communication is a must if it is present then it wont work out. After 10 years of marriage we still trust and communicate with each other.

 

Somethings there is so many answers to the question asked that we may never know.

 

 

 

 

Peggy

[fun_pairTX 26]

Lying, deceit, jealousy, suspicion, dis/mis trust.

[Sportsterguy 15]

Originally posted by M&B

I think that you have a very valid point.

 

Spontaneous Human Combustion ends marriages instantly.

 

oh man, that was funny!.....Sounds like a Monty Python bit...

[jen 16]

Without a little romance love sort of looses its dance. After that, the sameness settles in. Soon followed by the inticements of newer things, busier jobs, and curtain climbers. Causing tiredness which creates weakness and a lack of desires.

 

Before long years and years have passed, and when you look around you can't remember how that happened. So you search outside and inside for the feeling of loves feelings.

 

For some, that leads to wonders of how it is that you ended up with this person you married, in this house in this town with this job and these kids.

 

That person starts to ponder greater worlds, greener gardens. Seeking the feeling of loves feelings.

 

Why that person doesn't seek that feeling from the person they married is the hard part to explain.

 

Either way, it starts inside each person. The smart persons find the right way to handle it. The not so smart, well, they kill their relationships.

 

Ok, that might not make any sense but there is thunder outside and it makes me shaky. my bad.

 

[Sportsterguy 15]

smart AND cute!!

[Rabbyt 15]

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN

Does swinging destroy relationships? Id bet that bringing up the idea has killed a few.

 

John

 

I guess it's this line that made me ask the things I did in the thread "The risk of even bringing it up" in the HELP section of the forum.

[Additude 457]

What kills a relationship?

 

That's like asking what causes a car to break down.

 

There is an answer to that question, but it's so individualistic that people only know the answer for themselves and most of the time they don't have the answer unless it's based on one, or a few common issues like Adultry, Alcohol, Gambling, Battery, etc. but most relationships are to complex to just say, "This caused us to break up".

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I have to agree with M&B that sometimes you just stop trying. Relationships are hard work. Their stories really begin after the usually fairy tale ending trip to the alter. You think Cinderalla and Sleeping Beauty are still happy with their Prince Charmings?

 

Both Bear and I had been married before, so we wrote a sort of contract up when we got together to assist us in our efforts to keep trying. The contract consists of lessons learned from our past relationships where we did stop trying. It was full of little things like saying something nice to each other every day, a kiss a day, not talking about the other badly outside the marriage, discussing resentments before they fester. Even though we haven't been at it that long, it is still hard work to just keep that list of promises going. We have to TRY every day.

 

As stated in almost every thread on this board, the lifestyle has intensified our communication efforts. I don't know that most relationship could handle the nitty gritty we go over in exhausting detail in order to be sure this is comfortable for us both. There just can't be any taboo topics. All this talk keeps us in the trying mode.

 

Yet, if there isn't honesty and communication; little touches of jealous become big resentments, I can see how swinging can destroy a relationship.

 

Like the car breaking down analogy, it could be anything that causes the ultimate breakdown, but with regular maintenance and oil changes, it should at least have a longer life.

 

-- Bunny

[jen 16]

I have surely killed a few without intention of doing so.

 

Another lesson learned the hard way...or something.

 

Go Dolphins!

 

 

P.S.

 

He said smart and cute, he forgot spoiled...:evil:

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN

This brings up an interesting thought. What is it that kills a relationship? Is it that they shouldnt have been together in the first place? Is it that one controls or one follows? Does swinging destroy relationships? Id bet that bringing up the idea has killed a few.

 

John

 

I think it would depend on the type of relationship in the first place. I also believe that we are often attracted to those with specific traits and characteristics that we find challenging or exciting or stimulating - initially. But after living with or being involved with those same traits and characteristics on a daily or frequent basis, we find that we don't like them. I can't seem to say this well...

 

It's tough to admit...but especially in my younger years, I would sometimes try to change a person from what initially attracted me to the very type of person I was NOT attracted to. I still don't think I'm making much sense. Maybe someone else can say it better. But I have asked myself why I would do that?

 

As for a few relationships being killed by "bringing up the idea of swinging," I would think they were not too strong or secure to begin with. Maybe just the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. -EBF

[TNT 1,155]

(A true story)...A family waiting in line at an amusement park to ride a roller coaster.

 

The parents are holding each other tightly, kissing, ignoring the heat and humidity and everything around them, lost in each other. The younger girl rolls her eyes and says, “God, they are worse than teenagers.” The older girl laughs lightly and says “ They have been married over 20 years, they have the right to kiss in public if they want to.” “Maybe”, the younger one says, “but it’s so embarrassing.” “ I don’t think they care”, the older one replies. The parents hear this conversation and smile at each other as the wife leans into the husband and feels him growing hard against her.

 

Marriage (relationships) is the hardest job you will ever have. It’s when the relationship is no longer the number one priority that things start to go bad. When you lose the feelings and wonder that you had at the beginning of a relationship things start to fizzle and die. You must feed and nurture a relationship (marriage) like a newborn baby…every couple of hours throughout the day. As you both grow and evolve you have to be able to compromise and respect the changes in each other, while still remembering and holding on to, what it was that brought you together in the first place. You have to remember to play and have fun, communicate honestly and openly always. You have to make each other the most important thing in your lives, regardless of what anyone else thinks, regardless of what is going on around you. You have to create your own world and when things are going good in that world, things will go good in the world around you.

 

It’s when these things are forgotten and/or ignored that a relationship goes bad. If these things are tended to on a regular basis throughout a relationship, bringing up swinging should not harm it in anyway; it would (or should, whether or not you ever venture into the swinging lifestyle) only open a new chapter to the greatest adventure of your life.

 

Teresa

[OhioCouple 41]

Teresa,

 

I am way behind on the board and was really going to do nothing but read today, but I had to stop with this and respond.

 

What you wrote was just flat out AWESOME and so VERY true!

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by OhioCouple

Teresa,

 

I am way behind on the board and was really going to do nothing but read today, but I had to stop with this and respond.

 

What you wrote was just flat out AWESOME and so VERY true!

Yeah, what she said...

 

Thanks!

 

-B

[NightGoddess 16]

...That was very well said! It means you never give up or give in. That's pretty amazing!

Thanks for the great post. That made my day!

[Couple_DFW 15]

Originally posted by TNT

(A true story

Marriage (relationships) is the hardest job you will ever have. ...... You must feed and nurture a relationship (marriage) like a newborn baby…every couple of hours throughout the day. ......

It’s when these things are forgotten and/or ignored that a relationship goes bad. If these things are tended to on a regular basis throughout a relationship, bringing up swinging should not harm it in anyway; it would (or should, whether or not you ever venture into the swinging lifestyle) only open a new chapter to the greatest adventure of your life.

 

I totally agree. Being married is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. There are givers and takers and even tho D & I both are givers....it's still hard as hell at times. AND never try to change someone. The old saying goes something like this: Go into a relationship with both eyes open.....go into a marriage with one eye closed.

 

I still send D cards at work and I come home to flowers once a month (I think he joined the flower of the month club and I will get a huge bunch of roses in the 13th month!!!) But seriously, you have to keep courting one another....that can never stop.

 

When there are problems and you are facing the breakup, both parties have to want to fix the relationship. One cannot do it alone.

 

With regard to swinging.....well, I can only say that lack of communication if you are in the lifestyle can kill your relationship. Also, one party being in denial about things going on in the other relationships will also kill it for you.

 

You have to be tough to have a lasting relationship because it is hard and it does take a lot of work. It's not 50-50.....It's 200 - 200. Your 100% plus their 100% when they are tired and ready to give it up and vice versa. When it's the best is when both are at their 100%.

 

P

[TNT 1,155]

Thanks everyone

 

It's the way Ted and I have always tried to live our lives, and as we are constantly getting comments from friends and family about our relationship,(asking how we do it, lol) I thought I would share some of our secrets. It must be working because even after almost 24 years of being a couple everything still feels so new.

 

Teresa

[azwildcat 15]

Teresa,

that really sum's it up on how not to kill a relationship.

 

but i still say to kill one you need a gun and a shovel !!

or maybe just hit him with your car once or twice:rofl:

 

 

 

:evil:

[WildFlower 17]

Alot of relationships die because people get into a rut. They stop communicating and sharing things with each other.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

well i must say! im a little miffed today and this topic is hitting all the right spots for me! i aggree on the comunication issue at the moment im lacking the very thing i thought i had under control! It seems what i percieved as good comunication and a strong marriage seemed to have hit a wall at full force. a bump in the road on a epic proportion so to speak! we have bben mariade for almost 7 years and it seems the problem i face today is the worst one in those 7 years.It seems on the outside no worse than others in the past but on a emotional level i am being drained!

maybe i should have made a sepperate post but i feel i retract my earlier comments , I truely cant say for confidece any more what makes them fail! all i know is I dont know why mine is failing at the moment!

[TNT 1,155]

Alabama,

 

Hang in there, even in the best relationships bumps in the road do appear. It's how you chose to react to those bumps that matters. Remember, nothing worth having is ever easy. Take a step back, breath deeply and jump right back in.

 

Teresa

[M&B 21]

Hey, buddy. I am very sorry to hear about problems at home. I really hope that this bump in the road smoothes out for you two. I hope, too, that both of you always remember that you have a lot of friends and support in this world.

 

Our thoughts are with you and fingers are crosssed.

 

Anything more than that and people around here will start yellin "Get a room!"

[alabamafuntonig 20]

thanks guys i will try to remember that today and the next. i wish it was just a bump it feels more like a pot hole in the only super highway i ride! i had fights with the wife as many people have had in there lives ,its the emotional disconection that my wife seem to make with me that bothers me to no end. im one for handling everone elses problems ,but when its my turn i cant seem to put my thinking cap on!

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

...im one for handling everone elses problems ,but when its my turn i cant seem to put my thinking cap on!

That is not at all uncommon, Bama. When you are emotionally involved in a situation it is hard to see clearly. That is when you turn to your friends for objective advice as they aren't a part of it. They can usually see through the thunderstorms and help you find the rainbow.

 

Know we are all here for ya, if you need us.

[alabamafuntonig 20]

thanks. im not sure .but ill try to see straight ,i guess i have no choice.its all i can do i guess

[Michcouple 15]

We agree with Julie.....

 

Swinging is not the issue....It's communication

[BradAndJanet 70]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

thanks. im not sure .but ill try to see straight ,i guess i have no choice.its all i can do i guess

Hey man, I really hope you can work it out. Relationship problems are no fun. I can speak from experience, 'cause we've had our share in the past. We were able to get past them though, because we both cared about each other and our relationship. Best of luck! Let us know if we can help you out.

 

-B

[alabamafuntonig 20]

just to let the board know you are all my freinds but my wife called a little while ago and said we were going to divorce. at least i know now . i guees i have not lived up to her expectations . i have not seen my kids in 2 days and im just a little hurt . i wish i could cry sometimes over things but i dont have it in me ,thanks for all the support

[pammyjgcurious 15]

 

When there is not much people have in comon, it usually does not work after awhile. "Opposites attract" for relationships is futile, I believe. Exciting for awhile, till you want to do your thing and the other doesn't want to play that way anymore.You also can't change anyone. They have to make the choice to change.

[jen 16]

Bama bam bam,

 

I'm so sorry to hear, I wish I had good words - the kind that make things better -

 

Just please Bama, if it does have to come to the D word, be honest with her no matter what, be fair, be strong, and be the best dad cause your kids need that!

 

Like all the others said, you can find me here if there is a way I can be helpful.

 

You rock Bama bam bam!

 

 

 

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by pammyjgcurious

When there is not much people have in comon, it usually does not work after awhile. "Opposites attract" for relationships is futile, I believe. Exciting for awhile, till you want to do your thing and the other doesn't want to play that way anymore.You also can't change anyone. They have to make the choice to change.

I strongly disagree. My husband and I are COMPLETE opposites, but he is strong where I am weak and vice versa. We compliment each other in that manner. Communication and love are the key to keeping our relationship stable. It works for us, and it's been 10 years. Right now it is his turn to be the strong one....and he is doing a fine job.

[M&B 21]

Please, both of you, listen to Mrs O and Jen.

 

WORK at it! Both of you!!!

 

I hate the D word.

[pammyjgcurious 15]

OhioCouple,

I'm happy you two are together strong. You are right the word is "communication". When you are acccpted as you are, unconditionally, love is terrific.

 

Pammyjean

[azwildcat 15]

well, what kill's a relationship ??

well, if my hubby keep's on with his bullshit, we'll find out what i use on him then i can tell ya what did it .

[OhioCouple 41]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

just to let the board know you are all my freinds but my wife called a little while ago and said we were going to divorce. at least i know now .

Bama, I am so sorry to hear this. Sending you great big hugs from Ohio...

[alabamafuntonig 20]

well we talk for 1 hour yesterday and she dont want to see me again for a while. she says she loves me but cant stay with me!!!!

she says she misses me !!!! but does not want to come home! she is pretty sure a divorce is the way to go! but i took all the sdvice i got and let her talk!

[azwildcat 15]

well,now i know what does!!

no trust and lie's. i can say that this time there is no fixing thing's with this marriage i'm done with all the bullshit and i just can't take it anymore. (we both can't)

his unablility to tell the truth and then not trust me:confused: and of course his denial of everything once again. last night was our last fight and as he walked out slamming the door this morning, that was all that needed to be said about thing's. for some reason i can't feel much, i'm just numb from it all.

[jen 16]

Wow, you two, just wow. I am sorry to hear of all this.

 

Bama, I've been keeping my fingers crossed and still am!

 

az, I didn't know..I will now keep my fingers crossed for you as well.

[M&B 21]

Give her the space, but, show your heart. She may yet come around. It is time to regroup, then, court her. Like old times.

 

If successful, the two of you could end up much closer and full of undertanding than before.

 

Be patient! And listen!!!!

[M&B 21]

I am so sorry. wow.

 

Man, this is getting depressing