A Breakthrough in Comfort and Arousal

[drinnt 201]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a while since I posted and I'm back with a tale to tell. Many of my posts in 2012 were to offer my take on situations that I too have been through and a fair number of requests for help on my own issues. I suffered mostly with a lack of arousal and fighting myself mentally aka the "mind fuck".

 

Last year was a pivotal year for me and swinging. I fully chose a relationship with another couple for my wife and I and we played with several couples through the year and one particular couple several times. We played with old friends and new friends, and some we broke their full swap cherries. All the while I struggled with my choices and lack of erections at times.

 

The choices I struggled with were between looking good and not wanting to disappoint people that I have committed to and speaking up when I felt I was over my head. My denial led to a whole mess of emotions and a big ole mess of a relationship.

 

The erection problems I struggled with were me EXPECTING that flesh pressed on flesh = boner just because I "choose to be there" not realizing that in those moments I had other stuff on my mind and was not fully present.

 

So here we are in 2013. My wife and I have had exhaustive talks about every single thing we could think of from our experiences in 2012. We sat down with our old friends that I let down and put EVERYTHING on the table with them. We all shared our thoughts, experiences and feelings on what went down. We all realized that where we were headed was somewhere NONE of us wanted to go. So in the end we cleared the air and committed to something brand new. I was free of all my voices to step up and say what I wanted, even though I knew others wanted more I knew that to commit to more would be to do something I could not do. So we all made concessions and found a happy medium. The result was a fantastic NYE weekend together with reasonable amounts of sex and some amazingly hot impromtu events, some caught on camera! Everyone was happy and that feels good. Best of all I feel great because I feel like I played a real role in making things happen that would not have happened without me. A feeling that was new for me as silly as it sounds!

 

As far as the erection thing. Late in 2012 I simply gave up worrying about my cock. It works just fine for my wife so I know it's not physical. It's mental. The playing I did in late 2012 I did because I wanted to be in a sexy situation with my wife. I wouldn't say I was rock hard and good to go all the time but I enjoyed the hell out of my time with our sexy friends doing all sorts of things that even included TWO FULL ORGASMS WITH EJACULATION WITHIN 60 SECONDS! Hey what can I say - doing anal in public with my wife really turned me on. We also did DP and I got to stack up two girls on top of eachother and eat them out. All fantasies I NEVER would have fulfilled if I was worried about my cock.

 

After all the talks with our old friends on NYE my cock was working like magic! There was a time or two over the weekend that the damn condoms and a few other social concerns for everyone's comfort seemed to overwhelm my arousal. Those situations were easily overcome and went on to be very fulfilling experiences where again, my cock was not a concern.

 

Now even more recently after we got home from seeing our old friends we connected with some VERY NEW friends that we are absolutely over the moon about. They meet 9/10 of our ideal couple checklist items...not that we have a list...just being funny. But basically if we could design a couple they come the closest anyone could ever hope for. Strangely enough my erection problems are NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. HMMMMMMMMMM.

 

Who knows what mysteries the future will bring but the two take aways I have to share with you guys is:

 

1. Talk about EVERYTHING, share it with your partner and your swing buddies where need be. Make choices that fit YOUR comfort level now and avoid disappointment down the road.
   
2. Be in the sexy moments just to be in them. No goal, no agenda, just have fun. Your cock knows what to do. If you are there, free of all the junk in your head because you shared it, choose to be there, want to be there and find pleasure in being there, DECLARE IT OUT LOUD and enjoy it. The cock will follow.
   
3. 
   

 

Here's wishing you all a wonderful, prosperous, SAFE (you know what I mean) and ORGASMIC 2013!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Glad things are going well.

 

Here's to a lucky '13!

 

Thanks for sharing your story and how you worked things out.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Steve. I'm glad you're taking an active role in getting the sex you want and that it's working out for you!

[enhancer 1,585]

This was a great post and thank-you for sharing it!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Your's is a remarkable story, I'm glad you brought it here and I congratulate you for recognizing and overcoming. It speaks to submerged fears that I can sometimes sense in myself. Should any of these fears expand and reach the surface, I am going to come right back here.

[angelkin 1,326]

So glad to hear you've worked things out. Thanks for coming back to share!!

[njbm 2,879]

Glad to hear you are on the right track. i don't want to mess with your momentum, but did you try ED drugs ? doesn't sound like you need em now, but I think they are common in the lifestyle as an aid.

[drinnt 201]

Glad to hear you are on the right track. i don't want to mess with your momentum, but did you try ED drugs ? doesn't sound like you need em now, but I think they are common in the lifestyle as an aid.

 

Thank you everyone for your support. I really wrote that out for me as a public declaration and that is totally reinforced by your replies of support...thank you so much!

 

To answer your specific question NJBM, no I did not. I had several considerations leading to that choice and those are below:

 

Despite ED drugs being available and often recommended through conversations here and with our long time friends...I chose a long time ago to do this on my own. For me I know inexplicably that this is a mental issue. Therefore I chose to work OUT the problem rather than work AROUND the problem. My main consideration was that if I worked AROUND the problem I would be putting myself and others in situations under false pretenses. Now many have argued that a little success may have bolstered me enough to belay those problems thus tackling the situation in reverse however I maintained that for me...my choice...was to deal head on with the problem.

 

In the end I am very happy I did not use ED drugs because quite frankly I enjoy the fact that my body has it's own mental barometer. At times there are things I do not know I do not know going on in my head and that little guy is a great indicator that I have something I need to talk about.

 

As it turns out I have learned one overwhelming lesson through not using ED drugs. Ironically a lesson in chemistry. I have been trying to swing way too often with girls that I was fundamentally "attracted to looks wise" but had very little, not enough or no chemistry with. I have been telling myself that just because they were "hot" I should want to fuck them. For me, I have learned that I need MUCH MORE than a hot body. I have learned this ABOUT MYSELF...and it has nothing to do with the girl...which is a huge breakthrough for me. Why? Because now it allows me conscious choice in who I take off my pants for and how often.

 

There are girls I don't want to fuck and I know it now. There are girls I will fuck once in a while and then need time for that chemistry to rebuild. And there are girls that I am hot for CONSTANTLY. The only thing that changed is now I realize that I HAVE THE CHOICE and now I fully understand THE IMPETUS OF THAT CHOICE! What's more is I can openly admit to myself and others exactly where I am at...something that was sorely lacking for me in the past.

 

So thanks for asking that question...it gave me a chance to explore something a little deeper out in the open!

[D&D 362]

Thank you Drinnt for this. I have experienced the same thing as you! It is nice to hear from someone who worked through the issue by going at the core of the problem rather than skirting around the edges. Like you I have to be careful about who I think I'm attracted to. It has been my experience that what is attractive to my eye has not always been attractive in bed. Sexual chemistry turns out to be so much more than just good looks. As Mrs D and I have discussed this we have basically come the conclusion that I have to make a connection of some kind with a potential partner that is beyond purely sexual attraction.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

[drinnt 201]

Thank you Drinnt for this. I have experienced the same thing as you! It is nice to hear from someone who worked through the issue by going at the core of the problem rather than skirting around the edges. Like you I have to be careful about who I think I'm attracted to. It has been my experience that what is attractive to my eye has not always been attractive in bed. Sexual chemistry turns out to be so much more than just good looks. As Mrs D and I have discussed this we have basically come the conclusion that I have to make a connection of some kind with a potential partner that is beyond purely sexual attraction.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

 

Hi D&D - thanks for the reinforcement that there are other GUYS out there like me. I would have to say in all my swinging experience 50% of the guys have no problems getting it up and can fuck any one they consider attractive, 30% of the guys have the normal ebb and flow arousal issues / mood / timing / fatigue / etc. 15% of the guys have some serious mind-fuck that they need to over come and 5% are just fooling themselves and are so blocked they need drugs and even those don't work.

 

I would say that in the past I was definitely a member of the 15%...which compared to my peers in all my experiences I really felt like a loser.

 

HOWEVER...NOW I have realized that (exactly as you say) I prefer a multi-spectrum attraction/connection to compliment any physical attraction. I refer to it as CHEMISTRY. So if I have chemistry with the girl and find her attractive I'm in the top 80% with nary an issue during go-time. In fact I've found myself having chemistry with partners that I found attractive but may not have chosen out of a line up...go figure!

 

Of course I also realized something EQUALLY important about my frame of mind. At some point mid 2012 I was becoming REALLY annoyed with myself. I was having breakthroughs in swinging yet I found myself held back by an old habit. I found that whenever I would see a girl I thought was pretty my eyes would IMMEDIATELY be drawn to the "so called flaws"...a wrinkle, a dimple, a sag, etc. I soon realized that my frame of mind was negative. Instead of looking for the positive I was looking for the negative. When I realized that and let that go it freed me up to appreciate all the BEAUTY around any "so called flaws" and also opened myself up for the positive IN THE EXPERIENCE. That was mind opening.

 

Fortunately in discovering that I prefer to have attraction AND chemistry with my swing partners I have realized something VERY valuable. UNFORTUNATELY...the number of women out there that A) I find attractive B) I have chemistry with and C) are willing to put in the effort to maintain said chemistry seriously narrows my field of fulfilling partners.

 

Over time though I feel that as my confidence rebuilds it will afford me the where with all to put myself out there and find even more partners that I have chemistry with. Historically I find that about 3/10 women I am physically attracted to are also women I have sufficient chemistry with. I do believe chemistry is PARTLY latent and PARTLY created. So, over time I hope to build my confidence and outlook such that more like 60-70% of the girls I am attracted to I can also feel that chemistry exchange with.

 

Live and learn!

[TheSwingerSet 205]

drinnt, You sound like a strong cndidate for the FWB swinger type, having that connection on more than one level. We have had all kinds of sex in our years and the best as others have stated over and over here are the ones where you have spent at least a little time getting to know the person/people that you are playing with.

 

I am sure that is the reason that L and I prefer off-premesis events or house parties where we know the people.

 

We both like the tension build-up that not being able to get right to it affords.

 

K

[drinnt 201]

drinnt, You sound like a strong cndidate for the FWB swinger type, having that connection on more than one level. We have had all kinds of sex in our years and the best as others have stated over and over here are the ones where you have spent at least a little time getting to know the person/people that you are playing with.

 

I am sure that is the reason that L and I prefer off-premesis events or house parties where we know the people.

 

We both like the tension build-up that not being able to get right to it affords.

K

 

Hi SwingerSet and yes, come to find out, TRUE FWB is our ideal...for both my wife and I. We have new friends that we've known only a month now and the chemistry is so off the charts for the girl and I it's absolutely CRAZY. It's a real first for me and having seen my wife go through it we are both very excited I get to experience that. The girl and I have not full swapped yet but we both are openly looking forward to it and I'm totally psyched for it to happen! It's so good to be in a position of KNOWING things will be just fine no matter what.

 

As we are learning the FWB is a totally unique relationship-set. There's some "middle ground" between people you FUCK and your FRIENDS. Friends are bonded through everyday stuff, can stay in touch a lot easier with fewer "threats" and generally mesh well with life. People you fuck are usually only in the picture when you are getting it on. Somewhere in the middle is the FWB relationship. You can get close...but not TOO CLOSE.

 

Ideally we would love to have friends that we are OVER THE MOON ABOUT and also fucking and they feel the same. No threats, few boundaries and this is what we hope to build over time with our new friends. It's way too soon to see how well they are going to weather this new relationship...my wife and I are the more confident and aggressive "chasers" in this scenario. Have to be very careful to keep things in balance this early on.

 

After writing all this I have to ask...why the fuck does anyone bother with the vanilla lifestyle? It's so boring!!! LOL

[D&D 362]

Drinnt,

 

So I'm with you on this and can say its pretty much the same for me. For me it's about 50/50 when it comes to whether or not I feel what you are calling Chemistry. I can tell you that chemistry doesn't have anything to do with looks. As I've found chemistry with total hotties and women who initially I didn't think were my type. Maybe it has more to do with whether or not the woman feels like I'm their type. I also know this as my wife and I have developed very close relationships with couples my troubles disappear. One couple took us meeting three times before it happened. But on the flip other times I "worked" on the first meeting. So while I agree that it is chemistry that I'm looking for, it's hard to say what chemistry is comprised of. I wish there was an easy way to tell when there is chemistry because its maddening to have the hotts for someone and come up short.....

 

So how do you tell when you have this chemistry you are looking for?

How do others on the board determine chemistry---- because it has to be more than just sexual attraction. As so far I haven't felt a lack of attraction towards most of my playmates....

[drinnt 201]

Drinnt,

 

So I'm with you on this and can say its pretty much the same for me. For me it's about 50/50 when it comes to whether or not I feel what you are calling Chemistry. I can tell you that chemistry doesn't have anything to do with looks. As I've found chemistry with total hotties and women who initially I didn't think were my type. Maybe it has more to do with whether or not the woman feels like I'm their type. I also know this as my wife and I have developed very close relationships with couples my troubles disappear. One couple took us meeting three times before it happened. But on the flip other times I "worked" on the first meeting. So while I agree that it is chemistry that I'm looking for, it's hard to say what chemistry is comprised of. I wish there was an easy way to tell when there is chemistry because its maddening to have the hotts for someone and come up short.....

 

So how do you tell when you have this chemistry you are looking for?

How do others on the board determine chemistry---- because it has to be more than just sexual attraction. As so far I haven't felt a lack of attraction towards most of my playmates....

 

Hi D&D I have picked up something quite amazing from your post:

Maybe it has more to do with whether or not the woman feels like I'm their type.

 

I am a super expressive guy. I can get along with just about anybody but not just by tolerating them, by actually seeing things from their point of view and RELATING to them on THEIR terms. I think this has attracted a lot of women to me over the years...since I think they are into me and they are hot I would engage them and come up short on chemistry. Until your statement I have been wracking my brain about this!!! In RELATING to people on THEIR terms I am leaving no space for that person to get to experience ME as ME, rather they experience ME as the ME that is RELATING to them on THEIR terms. So they are getting a watered down version of themselves in my skin reflected back to them. This is some deep shit I know...but bear with me.

 

So when a girl has connected with me in the past and I fell short on chemistry I see it was because the connection was inauthentic. Not only did they not know ME as ME but I didn't take the time to really get to know THEM to explore any chemistry. I was too busy processing things from their point of view IN ORDER TO RELATE back to them in a connective way. I was creating a fraudulent connection of course. It was great for them, but for me it was lacking substance as MY personality was suppressed.

 

THAT SHIT WON'T FLY IN THE BEDROOM! My cock knows what I want and he only comes out when he gets it.

 

Fast forward to late 2012 and 2013 and here is a me aware of how I have been relating to the world. Now approaching potential partners as ME I can see their genuine attraction for ME coming back and it turns me on TENFOLD more than a hot body in a tight outfit. WITH MYSELF OUT OF THE WAY I CAN FEEL THE CHEMISTRY...or not. Before I had no chance of feeling shit because I was TOO BUSY FABRICATING CHEMISTRY TO "BE LIKEABLE".

 

Wow - what a total mind fuck!

 

I will now answer your question:

So how do you tell when you have this chemistry you are looking for?

 

I get to know the person as myself. If I like them as a person - as who they are - and they seem to be responding well to me then I test the waters. Usually a kiss after a whole lot of incidental contact, maybe over several meetings. I put my whole self into the kiss, because...well...IT'S A FIRST KISS! First kisses tell me everything. I'm talking a make-out kiss here too, not just a good night peck. If after the kiss I get a little flutter below my stomach then I know there is chemistry. I would say it's kinda like a "falling for someone" feeling yet more controlled because well...I'm married so emotions must be managed. But IMHO I know there's chemistry if I can answer one question, and I know this may resonate with odd reverberations in the swinger world, but that question to determine if I have chemistry is..."could I fall in love with this girl?" If the answer is YES then I utilize the FUCK out of that chemistry...the rest is keeping emotions in check which for me is the easy part.

 

D&D thanks man, you probably had no intention of blowing my mind with that post but I'm calling my wife right now to share what I realized!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Great thoughts here that I think could help a lot of guys. I do think that a lot of times performance anxiety comes down to just thinking too much and not being 100% comfortable with your choices.

[D&D 362]

Drinnt,

 

That was a really nice response! I find it much easier to determine chemistry after a couple of meetings and/or some texting or phone calls, but the vast majority of swingers we have met are simply not willing to meet a couple of times first or for a variety of reasons have a general lack of communication skills. I understand not wanting to meet a couple of times first, as most of us are busy and want to make the most of our playtime. I don't quite understand the lack of communication. Seems obvious to me that if it's ok for you to fuck me... you can probably talk to me with out crossing to many boundaries. I don't need to "sext" you, but it would be nice to get to know you a bit before we meet. If I were to pick out a pet peeve vis a' vis swinging it would that most swingers have issues with communication. (which is ironic since we all hear all the time how good communication is such a cornerstone of the lifestyle) But I digress.... In general I have hit it off well with those play partners whom I have gotten to know before playing. So barring exceptional circumstances we just don't meet couples who cant or wont communicate with us

 

However, it has also been my experience that occasionally we have met a couple where the chemistry was immediate. This brings me to our exceptional circumstances.... Basically exceptional circumstances means you are from out of town visiting. I don't know why but when it comes to "out of towners" I just haven't ever had trouble with arousal. I think this is for two reasons: Maybe its that we are more careful with the initial screening, the couple has to be our type, i.e. we both have to be really attracted to both of them. If one of us says "well they are ok" its a no go. We aren't looking for Barbie and Ken, but we are looking for that "oh yeah this is gonna be fun" response. Secondly, since the couple is from out of town there is little chance we are going to see them again----I don't have to like them or feel that I could like them because chances are this is the only time we are going to meet. Compare that with local couples and there is a certain amount of pressure to develop a relationship of some kind because we all are going to run into each other again. Even in South Florida the community isn't all that big. I've said it before but there is something very different about knowing you aren't going to see these people again.

 

For me it seems that chemistry comes down to a couple of things: 1. I have to feel that my partner and I could become good friends. We don't have to become friends, but i do need to feel that given a little time we could develop a close friendship. 2. I have to feel that they are into me! These two take time to figure out and this can be a little frustrating. 3. Or Else I have to feel that this is a one and done situation where I have little chance of having to deal with them again. The only way I can feel this with anybody is if they don't live anywhere close....

[drinnt 201]

Yeah D&D you and I share some parallels on this topic for sure. Wifey and I have long discussed the virtues and drawbacks of the "one off". Like you said, I too find a "one off" very satisfying when there is chemistry. It's like throwing a match on a fire pit pre-soaked with gasoline. Unfortunately my wife really needs that "connection" to make her satisfaction curve. Otherwise she just doesn't feel right.

 

So, for us really...it's FWB AND Chemistry...or nothing. The most important thing right now is that my wife and I are on the same page with what WE want for US. We want us BOTH to be happy...because we enjoy seeing the other person happy. Ironically with our long-time friends...I don't have great chemistry with my swappee and my wife and the other hubby do. But this year when I found a common ground with our long time friends and opened up a door for us all to at least enjoy playing accepting that the chemistry is not going to be the same and that's "okay" then my wife ended up coming away from the situation less than satisfied. I was like, "what do you mean, you were free to enjoy the hell out of yourself." Her reply, "yeah, and that was nice...but it's no fun watching you knowing that you aren't that into it...I want to find a couple that we are BOTH into it!" LOL

 

So one step forward, two to the side, 1/2 back and spin in a circle a couple times. LOL The Lifestyle Dance continues.

 

One a side note - the inspiration for this original thread has taken an interesting turn. The couple we met in 2013 that we've been spending time with...just got a little weird. On your point of communication, I am left with my wife...pretty much in a holding pattern. Since you mentioned communication I will share the experience, as it is a case study in exactly the phenomenon you stated. An ironic lack of communication.

 

So this couple we met, originally just the girls exchanged numbers. Shortly after meeting a couple times and having some same-room to establish chemistry at a distance we all exchanged numbers. We asked them their texting rules and they said other than being very busy and unable to answer much of the work day, there were no rules. They have no kids but both work. Two weeks later we had been texting up a storm back and forth, all four of us. One weekend after playing the other gal tells my wife it's hard for them to keep up with us texting, we are very social and they liked it but feel it's hard keeping up. We told them no need to keep up, we can just not text as much. They said it was fine but to just be aware they were often distracted and not take it personally. A week or so goes by and we're all still texting, we let them initiate most of the time because we don't wanna push but when they do we reply with enthusiasm. Another week and the other gal stops by our house on her way home for a drink, just to hang and chat about her day, etc...a friendly platonic visit. A little uncharacteristic of her by her own introvert description but also great to see her comfort level rising. The next night ask if we wanna meet, we say sure where? They say anywhere. We said we had dinner in the oven so hard to leave but the could come down...no reply for 45 minutes. It's like 8pm. I said back so whats up? After 15 minutes the dude calls my wife cuz the gal doesn't like talking on the phone??? He says that tomorrow might work better to get together. We say ok. At this point feeling jerked around but okay, not making it mean anything. 15 minutes later we get a text asking if we wanna meet for a drink anyway? We met. My wife was feeling so out of place that she and the guy had a hard time connecting, she felt it was forced. The girl was of course all over me, had us sit separately and it was a bit of a struggle but we got through it no problem. We leave with loose plans to get together the next day. My wife is super upset, not at me, but feeling like somehow the guy isn't interested or is doing this for his wife. We of course acknowledge that these are her FEARS from the past and decide that the next day if we see them she should talk to the guy about her feelings and let them go. So we get to their house and ask if my wife can take a few minutes to talk to the guy and the girl and I can go for a walk...they say yes but the other wife shares on our walk that she is upset...she feels like we're trying to come between them. I explain that my wife is taking some time to let her fears of the past go so that everyone can be free of what might be in their way...as up to this point we all had talked openly about the fact that both my wife and the dude might be struggling a little. This was a chance to put that to bed so no one has to struggle. She accepts my reason and we talk more, acknowledging that this is a make it or break it moment. We get back, everyone together we talk. Everyone's fine but the other wife...she seems pissed. We gave them a few minutes to talk alone then they invited us to lunch. After 10 minutes or so the chemistry kicked back in at lunch and we were having a blast. Back to their house the other wife still seems withdrawn and openly admits she's perfectly fine but it was a lot for her emotionally and she just needs some "introvert time" to recharge but wants to keep hanging out if we can give her that mental space. We agree...the other guy, me and my wife are all getting along gang busters...like a serious cloud had been lifted. Just seems like the other gal did not like the power shift all that much and now felt out of sorts. Long story short...we ended up playing that night after THEIR invitation to do so. It was okay, not great...clearly still some stuff in the way...but afterwards there was a feeling of "that wasn't what it could be, but it was nice...looking forward to next time, its been a long day I cannot believe we actually played so that was great!"

 

The next morning we're playfully texting them what we were doing around the house, sharing, etc...she texts us out of the blue that they need to take a little break and figure some stuff out that came up for them. It's been a week. We're giving them total radio silence to figure out whatever they need to as a couple...and IT SUCKS.

 

I feel like a victim of a total double standard, I feel like the other girl is being a total hypocrit and quite frankly I'm pretty damn pissed that people act like they got their shit together when things are going their way...but when we need to actually put the rubber to the pavement and communicate...they retreated back to the safety of silence.

 

I get that they are doing what they need to do for themselves...and quite frankly if they don't do that then nothing else CAN happen. It's just totally nuts that, as per your original point, the ONE THING WE NEED TO MAKE THINGS WORK IS COMMUNICATION...yet it's the LAST THING people seem to want to do.