Husband freaked out

[kands7107 15]

I'm going to try to make this concise.

 

We have been talking about getting into the lifestyle for 5 or 6 years. I was always hesitant. Before I met my husband, I had my share of FWBs and plenty of recreational sex. He never did. 3 years ago, we started with the girl/girl side of things, where husbands would watch and then have at it with their own wives. I was pretty happy with that but my husband always pushed for more.

 

A year ago we entered the local LS scene and started getting to know people, as we were new to this area and wanted to get the girl thing happening again. Two weeks ago, we met a couple we clicked with. Really clicked. The four of us got together to meet 4 times, hang out, and get to know each other, not to mention a ton of texting. They have been the first couple I felt ultra comfortable with and the only ones I could see things going forward with.

 

Saturday night, we got things going. Well, I did. My husband couldn't "make thing happen." Which is a major rare occurrence for him. Every step, I looked over and mouthed the words "you ok with this?" And he said yes. We stopped after oral since he was having issues. I didn't want to if he wasn't going to. After we al sat around and talked, me next to the other guy, him next to her. The other guy had twisted his neck somehow so I was massaging the back of his neck with one hand, as we talked.

 

Once they left, he flipped. Completely. He can't get the vision out of his head. He thinks there is an emotional attachment with me and the other guy (I get to know people for who they are and become friends before I can even think about anything else happening.)

 

This went on all day Sunday too. I spent most of the day crying. I love my husband. Not once in a million years would I consider leaving him. I can compartamentalize sex, and leave it where it happened but I'm getting that he can't. What frustrates me is that I was always reluctant and he pushed for it. Then I enjoyed it, a lot, and he is freaking out. We've been together 12 years, not one instance of cheating etc.. We have an amazing marriage which is the only reason I agreed to this.

 

Now, obviously, I need to handle the other couple. I like them a lot as people and want to remain friends, she's bi so the girl girl thing he is still comfortable with.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone experienced has words of wisdom. I never in a million years, in all our conversations, thought to ask if he was ok with the rubbing neck part. I think that's where he's more upset, but at this point we are taking it all off the table til we can get this sorted out. Anyone? Any help or advice would be appreciated.

[Alura 2,774]

I have the impression that you are unsure of what happened with your husband. The most important part, in my opinion, is that y'all need to sort this out until you're both sure.

 

The only time I remember feeling the pangs of jealously was when Mr. Playmate, after sex with Mrs. Alura, was stroking her hair. We had been playing with them for years, too... so it's not likely that this could have been anticipated. We continued to play with them, but Mrs. Alura made sure nothing like that ever happened again.

 

Share this with your playmates, too. They deserve honest communication.

 

Alura

[DigginIt 1,132]

Wow, sorry to hear about how this turned out. My first thoughts are...he was okay with you giving him oral but you can't rub his neck...seriously?

 

I don't think I need to say that you two should take a small step back while you work through this but if you didn't leave anything out, this is his issue that he will have to come to terms with if you two are to be successful. You continued to make eye contact and reassess as you proceeded; you did everything right. And there is nothing wrong with him not liking it, not everyone can swing but he shouldn't have flipped out on you. In swinging, you will continually run across things you would never have thought about discussing before hand. You both need to understand this so that you can discuss them afterwards and if you don't like them, agree not to do it again like Alura mentioned. Imagine how he would have reacted if the two of you snuggled afterwards, if you two had finished first, and you were waiting for your husband and the other wife to catch up.

 

I'm really not trying to be negative towards your husband but he needs to either trust you or not swing or go back to the girl/girl thing if you two are okay with that. It's okay to realize one's limitations and stop but his flipping out is a result of his own insecurities, not anything you did so don't beat yourself up over it. It was what he wanted and now he is having issues dealing with it. I believe the two of you can put this behind you but he needs to realize that he can't want you to do something and then get mad at you when you do. He needs to pony up on the responsibility and not make you feel guilty.

 

Good luck to you both.

[kands7107 15]

I have the impression that you are unsure of what happened with your husband. The most important part, in my opinion, is that y'all need to sort this out until you're both sure.

 

 

 

I agree. I'm not sure, because he's not sure. He went back and forth on a million different things, in as many different directions, and I had a massive headache last night after it all. What he did say continually is that he doesn't like the affection part of it - kissing, the neck rub, etc. I get that. However, I'm not the type to just go at it with a random person without some sort of liking who the person is - no romance or any of that, but I need to like the person.

 

My first thoughts are...he was okay with you giving him oral but you can't rub his neck...seriously? Yeah, no kidding, that was my thought too.

You continued to make eye contact and reassess as you proceeded; you did everything right. Thank you. That helps me know I did all I could have done in that situation.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Under the logic that a fight is never about what it seems to be about on the surface, it sounds to me like you and your husband need to sit down and have a good, long, calm talk. Get everything out in the open, from sex to doing the dishes. You can work it out.

[slevin 1,374]

I suspect this has as much to do with your husband not being able to maintain an erection as anything else. That can be an incredibly embarrassing thing for a man. It cuts right to the heart of our masculinity. Keep seeking open communication with him, hopefully when the initial emotions wear off he can be more open about what happened and why.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm guessing that whatever fantasies your husband had about swinging did not include not being able to get it up. I'm also guessing that you were affectionate in your prior interactions with women. I think somewhere between those two things is a clue to why your husband is feeling what he feels, some of which might be grief.

 

You don't actually need to defend yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong. Your husband didn't either, but he is going to need to stop looking outward for the solution to what he's feeling, because it's inside. I hope the two of you are able to be compassionate with one another without taking responsibility for the feelings of the other.

[Gordo 618]

As a husband this happened to me before too.

 

We were doing a threesome and the guy was balls deep in her the two of them screwing like crazy and she started nuzzling under his chin. I was blown away and jealous as all hell. I saw that as something really intimate that belonged to ME only and she shouldn't be doing it with him.

 

Fortunately rather than blowing up I thought about it over the next few days realizing that there was something wrong with my thinking. I mean really, he's got his c*** as deep in her as he can and they're screwing like rabbits and I'm bothered by a little chin action. The more I thought about it the more I realized it was ridiculous. Once I admitted it to myself I was fine and got over it.

 

Yours is no different. If you were all doing oral. I mean really a cock in your mouth and he's bothered by a little neck rubbing...

 

But the situation probably wasn't helped by his not being able to perform. (quite common actually for the first few times).

 

It may help him to read these posts. Also a little blue pill before just to help get over the jitters. Maybe even separate rooms so that he's not so focused on you.

[Gordo 618]

As an afterthought I am bothered by the fact he reacted so strongly after. If he's not able to control his feelings when things happen I don't think he's a candidate for swinging (with other men involved) regardless of his fantasies.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I think Sleven and Gordo hit on something and that is that he probably felt slighted that he wasn't able to keep it up and perform. He was probably embarrassed over it (I think we have all been here at least once) and instead of you being there making him feel better...you were there rubbing the other guys neck.

 

The first time we played, I couldn't keep it up. It upset me personally but I didn't take it out on my wife. I kept thinking..."shit, the first time we are doing this with another couple, I'm about to be able to have sex with someone other than my wife with her approval, with her not only there but cheering me on and I can't get it up !!!! WTF !!!" but it was jealousy/selfishness that I missed out on something. Like Gordo said, once realized how stupid it is, never happened again.

[kands7107 15]

I'm guessing that whatever fantasies your husband had about swinging did not include not being able to get it up. I'm also guessing that you were affectionate in your prior interactions with women.

You are correct on both. I'm naturally a touchy/feely person so affection is a huge part of things for me, as well as a turn on. We had talked about all this prior, and he came out and said there were no limits and no boundaries. I am guessing the not being able to have it happen part wasn't part of the images he had going on.

 

At this point, he's feeling like he never wants to go down this road again. I'm not sure what to think on that - I know him well enough that seeing as how this has been a thing for him for years, to take the entire idea off the table permanently probably isn't going to be our reality when things settle from his initial reaction. My guess is that we'll need to go back to baby steps for a little while before going in this again. And to separate rooms, as Gordo mentioned, he is adamantly against that at this moment. He was prior to Saturday as well. That'll be down the road even further, should we continue on this. And I really hope we do, because having this as a part of our lives has been fun and great for our alone time too.

 

He does tend to react strongly first, and then re-assess so I may try to just let it be for a few days or weeks.

[Gordo 618]

He does tend to react strongly first, and then re-assess so I may try to just let it be for a few days or weeks.

 

When you are feeling jealous it's amazing how far those little tendrils can spread into everything else. The longer you have to think about it the farther it spreads.

 

It goes from being a little worm to being an Octopus.

 

I wouldn't leave it. I would sit down and have a frank talk with him sooner rather than later. Let him read this thread and if it helps I'd even be happy to talk to him by PM if he wants more.

[junglecouple 127]

Some things we don't think about when entering this LS. Fucking, giving a blowjob, all seemed fun, and nothing bothered me EXCEPT that intimacy of a kiss. then, the realization of how silly that restriction was, made me think it over before saying anything.. I thought about it, and thought....... WTF?? she can blow him, take his dick and play with it, and I got pissed over a kiss? pfft. IDIOT!! what kind of silly is that? It's not like she's gonna run out of kisses, I'm not "out" of anything, get over it, OR GET out of it..

[TheSwingerSet 205]

A few years ago, we had decided to end our party break and start hosting events again, we had only played a few times during that break and were getting back with our friends more often. One night we met a male friend at the bar, we had a few drinks and then Mrs. TSS went off with him for a bit of play time. We had played with this guy before but for some reason the green monster hit me hard this time. I still don't know why, the feeling only lasted a few minutes but It was still there. Mrs.Tss and I have been playing seperate for many years and that had never happened before.

 

I wouldn't call any feeling "Stupid or myself an idiot" for having a feeling, Stupid would be not understanding and dealing with that feeling. I would never blame Mrs. Tss for my feelings, just as I don't blame the dog for barking at strangers, it's just our nature.

 

There are many things that can trigger feelings that we are not expecting, they jump out at us and can hit hard, it's how we deal with those feelings that makes the differance. In this case his going over board was beyond what was called for. If it had been me I would have told Mrs.Tss "hey you know what? for some strange reason your massageing his neck bothered me, why don't we stay away from that for awhile."

 

The other big issue here that as others have said was his inabilty to maintain a erection. I can see this causeing enough stress to make him lose his cool, while the reason is understandable the reaction isn't.

 

My advice is bring hubby here and let him read what you posted and let him respond, getting things out in the open is the first step in getting past them.

[kands7107 15]

I should probably re-iterate what I mean by flipped out. He wasn't yelling, he wasn't screaming, he was just kind of in panic mode. We did sit and have a calm conversation, but he kept going off on all kinds of tangents and saying he was ok with things, then 5 minutes later saying he wasn't. We talked all day yesterday and more today. It's not a ranting/raving type of freak out and I probably should have made that more clear. It was just the phrasing that was in my head first thing this morning. But yes, I agree, it's probably a good idea to have him read through this and see if any of the responses resonate with him and can open up some more discussion with a little clearer perspective.

[DigginIt 1,132]

I should probably re-iterate what I mean by flipped out. He wasn't yelling, he wasn't screaming, he was just kind of in panic mode. We did sit and have a calm conversation, but he kept going off on all kinds of tangents and saying he was ok with things, then 5 minutes later saying he wasn't. We talked all day yesterday and more today. It's not a ranting/raving type of freak out and I probably should have made that more clear. It was just the phrasing that was in my head first thing this morning. But yes, I agree, it's probably a good idea to have him read through this and see if any of the responses resonate with him and can open up some more discussion with a little clearer perspective.

 

Here is the funny thing...had the other extreme happen, say, he came prematurely, he would be on the other side of the fence probably apologizing, lol. My vote for embarrassment stands. He just needs to know it happens to a lot more people than are willing to admit when they are new.

[slevin 1,374]

Here is the funny thing...had the other extreme happen, say, he came prematurely, he would be on the other side of the fence probably apologizing, lol. My vote for embarrassment stands. He just needs to know it happens to a lot more people than are willing to admit when they are new.

 

Indeed; in fact it might be a good idea to get him to come on here. Plenty of threads of guys having performance issues. Most people here, myself included, have had that happen at one time or another.

[Guest screaminggood]

It may also be that he is not equipped for long-term relationships with playmates. It might make it too intimate in his mind; you're massage was something that is an intimate special treat to him and he didn't like you giving that "LOVE" to someone else. The neck massage is caring, not just sex to him. Might be that he would be more secure in an environment where you don't continue to play with the same people long-term.

[Just Passing By 140]

The encounter already happened , nobody did anything *wrong* . You did your best of xomunication and feedback, he had a reaction that was unexpected and unanticipated. It happens.

 

Now you need to communicate and reground with each other. Put a hold on playing or contemplating play. After you're back 100% solid you can start discussing play again, but with a fresh sheet , not with prevous encounter or previous expressed fantasies as a starting point.

[kands7107 15]

Thank you to everyone. With a loooonnnngggg few days if talking, it's the affection side he didn't like. I'm not quite sure how to get that resolved just yet, it may take some time. It was never something I considered asking, and in all likelihood, he probably would have said prior that it wouldn't have bothered him. It's one of those things that you don't know til it happens. We agree with JustPassingBy that we are putting things on hold for a little bit. I know him pretty well, and have gotten to know even more over these past few days. I think right after was very fresh and it needed a little bit of time to settle and get some rational thinking going, but it's hard to be rational when upset.

 

Thank you all for your replies, thoughts, and advice. I've been reading this forum for about a year but never posted and it's fantastic to have the support here.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Under the logic that a fight is never about what it seems to be about on the surface, it sounds to me like you and your husband need to sit down and have a good, long, calm talk. Get everything out in the open, from sex to doing the dishes. You can work it out.

 

Lionheart has an excellent point here. More often than not when a fight occurs both parties miss the point. Here's what it sounds like to me...

 

1. You said he's never had an erection issue before. However, if I'm reading this right he's never been in a situation where he needed to get an erection for someone else (in your presence). He's pissed off that he couldn't get it up. He feels inadequate. The fact that you continued having fun just adds to it. Yes, he said it was ok. But, think about how often we (women) say things are ok when they are anything but. He didn't want to rock the boat by stopping things once he'd committed and he didn't want you to get mad... but in the process of trying to not create a bad situation it became even worse.

 

2. I doubt the neck-rub is really that much of an issue, it's more the straw that broke the camels back. It was like after everything else, you seeing that he obviously wasn't having a great time, you were more concerned with that other guys neck than with your husband's feelings (yes, I realize you weren't aware of his feelings - and deep down he does, too... but logic rarely wins against emotion in our own internal battles).

 

The last thing you need to worry about now is the other couple. They are not an issue. I don't care how much you like them or want to be friends with them. Second to that, swinging is the last thing you should be worried about right now. Focus on your relationship. Take a break from swinging and work through these emotions. Give your husband a comfortable place to express himself and his feelings (without giving him any feedback that his feelings are wrong or that he took anything wrong). If/when you decide that you (as a couple) want to continue swinging then you can think about who that might be with or if this couple has a place within that. If they contact you in the meantime, simply let them know that you are working some things out and need to take a break for a while and will get back with them later.

[10thBadger 25]

On 1/28/2013 at 10:14 AM, kands7107 said:

 

I agree. I'm not sure, because he's not sure. He went back and forth on a million different things, in as many different directions, and I had a massive headache last night after it all. What he did say continually is that he doesn't like the affection part of it - kissing, the neck rub, etc. I get that. However, I'm not the type to just go at it with a random person without some sort of liking who the person is - no romance or any of that, but I need to like the person.

 

My first thoughts are...he was okay with you giving him oral but you can't rub his neck...seriously? Yeah, no kidding, that was my thought too.

 

You continued to make eye contact and reassess as you proceeded; you did everything right. Thank you. That helps me know I did all I could have done in that situation.

The only thing that I am thinking is that your husband was thinking it is head, if his neck hurts, he has a wife that can rub his neck, why would you be rubbing his neck and that is white he thought was affection toward the other guy and something that was out of bounds in his mind. Because all the action has stopped and you were still being affectionate or caring toward this of the man with his wife is sitting right there and she could have been rubbing his neck. Just my opinion

[10thBadger 25]

On 1/28/2013 at 4:49 PM, Gordo said:

 

When you are feeling jealous it's amazing how far those little tendrils can spread into everything else. The longer you have to think about it the farther it spreads.

 

It goes from being a little worm to being an Octopus.

 

I wouldn't leave it. I would sit down and have a frank talk with him sooner rather than later. Let him read this thread and if it helps I'd even be happy to talk to him by PM if he wants more.

Lol yeah let him read everybody bashing him, that’s not gonna help from what I am reading.

 

I do believe what the other post said that it is his problem and maybe he was upset because he couldn’t perform. But instead of her coming next to him and being affectionate and trying to calm him down, she was rubbing to other dudes neck because it hurt. I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. He was probably thinking why is it my wife over here next to me comforting me but she’s over there comforting him because he has a sore neck. Just my take on the situation

[10thBadger 25]

On 2/11/2013 at 3:41 PM, JustAskJulie said:

 

Lionheart has an excellent point here. More often than not when a fight occurs both parties miss the point. Here's what it sounds like to me...

 

1. You said he's never had an erection issue before. However, if I'm reading this right he's never been in a situation where he needed to get an erection for someone else (in your presence). He's pissed off that he couldn't get it up. He feels inadequate. The fact that you continued having fun just adds to it. Yes, he said it was ok. But, think about how often we (women) say things are ok when they are anything but. He didn't want to rock the boat by stopping things once he'd committed and he didn't want you to get mad... but in the process of trying to not create a bad situation it became even worse.

 

2. I doubt the neck-rub is really that much of an issue, it's more the straw that broke the camels back. It was like after everything else, you seeing that he obviously wasn't having a great time, you were more concerned with that other guys neck than with your husband's feelings (yes, I realize you weren't aware of his feelings - and deep down he does, too... but logic rarely wins against emotion in our own internal battles).

 

The last thing you need to worry about now is the other couple. They are not an issue. I don't care how much you like them or want to be friends with them. Second to that, swinging is the last thing you should be worried about right now. Focus on your relationship. Take a break from swinging and work through these emotions. Give your husband a comfortable place to express himself and his feelings (without giving him any feedback that his feelings are wrong or that he took anything wrong). If/when you decide that you (as a couple) want to continue swinging then you can think about who that might be with or if this couple has a place within that. If they contact you in the meantime, simply let them know that you are working some things out and need to take a break for a while and will get back with them later.

The absolute best post Lionheart. Preach because you’re absolutely telling the absolute truth