Coming out to select family and friends...ok, or no way?

[Guest]

After discussing this with my husband, we decided to tell my sister and brother in law (who is like a brother to us) about our "secret" lifestyle. We are closer to them than anyone. They are both open minded, especially my sister, and we felt as though we were lying to them by not telling them. Well...big mistake! My sis seems more accepting of us, however, my brother in law is disgusted and is pretty angry with us for "burdening" him with this. Now we wish we hadn't told them. Any words of advice? We didn't get into details about our experiences...only told them that we have decided to give up monogamy and try new things with other couples. We totally thought that they would be accepting of this, not necessarily agreeing with our choices, but instead, have shut us out. We feel let down...almost as if we were gay and "came out" and were rejected.

[occ 148]

We keep our choices only between other life style friends. Family isn't worth the risk. Same for vanilla friends.

[Alura 2,774]

"Well, Sis, we thought it over and decided to drop the idea for now." [Tomorrow we may change our minds again.] "There's just too much risk." [Like pissing off our relatives, for instance.] "Thanks for your great advice." [OCC's was better, though.]

[LFM2 1,482]

We keep our choices only between other life style friends. Family isn't worth the risk. Same for vanilla friends.

 

This. The only person outside of our LS friends that know is our oldest daughter, who found our profile on a hook-up site.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I am capable of a 10 minute monologue on why, when asked how you are, it's not a lie to say, "Fine, thanks. How are you?" So, count me among those who practice discretion with anyone who doesn't openly share my preference for recreational sex with people other than my partner. I also, although I've identified as bisexual since my mid-teens, have never "come out." In neither case is my silence about protecting myself from the opinions of others (I've never waffled about the pronouns of those I date or kept quiet when someone said that monogamy was the only way to run a relationship). Instead, it's about not giving others an unwanted look into my life. I've found that those who want to know more will ask questions, signaling their willingness to hear more. So, two kids know that I've dated women and one knows I don't think monogamy is for everyone, my two closest friends have a 10,000 foot view of my entire life and my mother knows I'm queer. Nobody has ever been shocked.

 

OP, I do sympathize with your desire to be open and honest with your loved ones, but I also sympathize with your brother-in-law's anger over being burdened with unwanted information.

[shy_couple 459]

We agree with the rest, sorry.

 

This is one of our worst fears for our family, coworkers, or someone at the kids school to say didn't we see you....?

 

Someone above said that they choose to keep the choices to themselves.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Way bad idea....I/we did that in a previous relationship.....only bad things happened

[O.C. 15]

To me there was no purpose or reason to tell them. It appears you were trying to make it easier, better, for yourselves, not them. To relieve yourself of keeping your secret. Now the burden of keeping the secret is on them. And I would not expect them to bear that burden for long.

 

Reminds me of a where a spouse, in a vanilla relationship, suddenly confesses to an unknown affair that occurred years ago. It does nothing good for the spouse that didn't have an affair.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

We made the mistake once of being too open about our outside of the marital box activities with a couple of close friends who we were sure suspected. I wish I could tell you how to make reparation where the relationship remained strong but it's really on them. If they choose to judge you and prefer not to be close to people who do what you are, there is nothing you can do to make it better.

 

You can try to continue to be friendly, maybe gently assure him you have no intentions of changing his lifestyle for him and be willing to hear his issues against it without responding angrily.

 

The fear of him or them telling someone else is the killer. Are you prepared for everyone knowing? Today I am strong fan of speaking up only when you are comfortable with everyone else in your circle knowing too.

 

 

The Rose

[latin2012 22]

I not judging, just curious, But why did you think it was any of their business? My wife and I use to hang out with our sister in law and her husband in reg vanilla bars. We (just us) would hang out at swinger club also. They knew we were going out without them to a different bar but we never felt they needed to know about it.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We keep our choices only between other life style friends. Family isn't worth the risk. Same for vanilla friends.

 

This is us. There is just no reason to tell anyone else. Swinging is something we do for us, so we keep it as our own little secret world. 90% of family would just totally freak out, and the other 10% would probably be somewhat disapproving but at least wouldn't shun us.

 

Friends are especially dangerous I think, since telling them is more tempting, but you can't predict as well how they will react. People that are fun to party with and hang out and seem open-minded may not take that quite as far as you think they will when it comes to swinging. Add in that social friends usually have ties to your workplace or community in one way or another, and things can really go wrong. If you get outed to disapproving family, it probably won't go any further since in their mind, they don't want it reflected on them too so won't be passing it around. Former friends that you lost by outing yourself won't have that holding them back, and things can snowball in a hurry.

[Lofn318 65]

We r sorry your hopes of finding understanding for what you and we all do were dashed. The sad reality is what we do is not nor will it ever be accepted. Maybe that is part of the allure, maybe being part of a sexual subculture is a draw for us. BUT I think we have all wanted to gain acceptance by our peers and families. That is the dream, more times than not the reality is that we will not be accepted and will be shunned.

 

We have told 2 of our friends and both were very accepting, we have found that there is a better chance for friends to accept than family. After all they choose to be with you, family are just family...lol

 

Just learn from if and know that folks that cast you out because they know the real YOU were never friends at all.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

. Former friends that you lost by outing yourself won't have that holding them back, and things can snowball in a hurry.

 

Oh yes! I'll add to that the worry over this can blanket your whole life and effect your marriage.

[km34 672]

I have no problem with telling friends or family if you think they will be understanding. Or if you think they're going to figure out anyway so they might as well hear it from you.

 

My sister and brother and law know. They kind of figured it out, we told them, then not long after we saw them on SLS. So, they were pretty darn understanding, BIL actually asked a lot of questions.

 

If you needed to tell them, so be it. Since your brother in law reacted badly, though, damage control is needed. Just telling him that you're sorry he doesn't agree with your choices and that you won't mention it to him ever again may make him feel better - you could even say his reaction has made you re-think it (not lying - you wouldn't say you changed your mind or gave it up, just that you're thinking about it more or again).

[2Gymrats 48]

I'm sorry that you've experienced a negative reaction from your BIL. We are really lucky that we have many friends and family members who are very open minded and who don't care what we do. We're out to almost everyone (except my parents, who I know would not take it well). I understand the urge to tell someone you are close to. I hate feeling as though I am hiding something. I also suck at lying and I usually screw it up. It's a good thing that I live almost 2500 km from my parent, lol.

 

I don't really have any advice, other than to let him know that you heard/understood his concern and then let him get over it or not. I don't think going on and on about it will ever help, so maybe just a bit of space and then be friendly without bringing your lifestyle into it for a while. But seriously, you know your family and probably know better than anyone what they need to hear from you for now. Best of luck!!!

 

Mrs.

[Gordo 618]

The words discrete and discretion occur over and over in this lifestyle.

 

With about 5% of the population practising some form of swinging and maybe 10% that wish they could the reality is you have 85-95% of the people who simply do not understand how you could do that.

 

As other experienced members mentioned I would just never go there. It's a shame you didn't ask before outing yourself.

 

I would also have a real heart to heart with the B.I.L and tell him you didn't realize he would be so offended by the admission and you're sorry for burdening him with it but there will be severe consequences for all if he outs you. I don't envy you I think this will hang over your head for a long time.

[O.C. 15]

 

I would also have a real heart to heart with the B.I.L and tell him . . . there will be severe consequences for all if he outs you.

 

 

Threaten the brother in law? Just what would the consequences be for the brother in law?

[Gordo 618]

Threaten the brother in law? Just what would the consequences be for the brother in law?

 

Sorry let me rephrase that. I didn't mean threaten him but that there would be obvious consequences if outed. The sister would be in the middle and would be torn between her husband BIL and her sister. It could cause massive rifts in the family etc etc. That's what I meant about serious consequences.

[Baron-n-kitty 104]

Im with the others here. I would never offer information about orientation or the such. Now, if things came up in conversation I might hint around till I got a direct question like, "Are you ____ ?". And I would probally be cautious even then. Good luck on getting your B.i.L. straightend out. Gotta be a difficult situation.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I won't tell you that you should have kept the barn door closed, since the horse has already bolted. You made a mistake in judgement. It happens, so you fix it as best you can and you move on with a newly learned lesson.

 

I can't advise you on how to best smooth things over, as I don't know your sister and brother in law. I think if you take a little time, you'll know how to handle it. Maybe a sister to sister talk would result in the best outcome.

 

We have vanilla family on her side that knows. They are OK with it, and it hasn't been an issue to speak of. We don't flaunt it, or really bring it up. It's worked for us, but like so many things in swinging, it's a couple by couple situation on whether or not to share this information.

 

Good luck to you. I believe with a little work, you'll make it through this.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

It's funny because I recently had to tell my brother because he asked, "Are you guys swingers?" It was my own fault because I left a party invitation lying around in my car that he was using for the week.

 

When he asked, I said, "Do you really want to know?"

 

He said he wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he was probably the most liberal person I know so I could tell him.

 

I just said, yes we were, and didn't go into any details. It's hard because swinging involves sex and many friends and family members don't want to think of you as a sexual person.

 

I think you just need to chalk this up as a learning experience. Apologize for burdening him and then just all move on as best you can. I wouldn't worry to much about him outing you to other people. It just wouldn't be helpful to him and he would have to talk about your sex life even more.

 

It's really hard to assess how people will react. We have a friend we told, who talked about sex all the time. He was not cool with us swinging. It was a disappointment and a problem in our relationship with him. The next time I told someone it worked out better. I think if you want to tell someone, it's probably best to use the Alura method, "What do y'all think about swinging?" and see how they react to that before spilling the beans.

 

Take care, it will all blow over soon.

[Guest]

"Well, Sis, we thought it over and decided to drop the idea for now." [Tomorrow we may change our minds again.] "There's just too much risk." [Like pissing off our relatives, for instance.] "Thanks for your great advice." [OCC's was better, though.]

 

Great advice!

[Guest]

I not judging, just curious, But why did you think it was any of their business? My wife and I use to hang out with our sister in law and her husband in reg vanilla bars. We (just us) would hang out at swinger club also. They knew we were going out without them to a different bar but we never felt they needed to know about it.

 

We are closest to my sister and "brother" than we are to anyone else. We almost felt that hiding this was sort of like lying to them. We felt the need to tell them the truth, since we always tell each other everything. Never in a million years did we think that they (actually, him...my sis is more understanding) would be angry. We thought they would make a joke out of it. We feel that it is similar to telling someone you are gay...they should accept you for who you are and for your choices in life, even though they may not agree with them. The fact that they accept our 3 gay cousins made us believe that we would also be accepted. I guess we thought wrong.

[Guest]

I just want to thank everyone for your great advice. I realize that I made a mistake and this has caused great heartache...not just for us, but for all parties involved. I now realize that I should have asked for advice BEFORE opening up. Now I think I know how it feels to be gay and not accepted. We will probably tell them that after thinking things through we realized that this might not be a good idea after all. That might be the best approach. I don't know any of you but I feel as though you have given me advice that only a true friend would give. Thank you so very much. I feel loved and accepted by all of you.

-Lisa

[Alura 2,774]

We will probably tell them that after thinking things through we realized that this might not be a good idea after all.

-Lisa

 

Perfect! Keep us updated, especially if Your Sis says, "Y'know, since y'all brought it up, we've had some pretty awesome ...uh...conversations about swinging and..."

 

Alura

[LovingCoupleCA 15]

The only time I ever suggested telling friends was when I was getting tired of having to come up with lies about where we went when they were watching our child for the night. We ended up telling the wife, and she was totally understanding, but said we shouldn't tell the husband, because he wouldn't be so much.

 

Now our opinion is that it's not a secret, but it's also nobody's business.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I recently posted a blog entry touching somewhat on this topic. That said, I'm not totally in the camp with others who say absolutely do not come out to anyone. I've actually got a close friend I've been considering coming out to. I think she'd be good with it. My brother and his wife do know (and have also been swingers at times). One of my best friend knows and I think the other one might have an idea. I've considered coming out to her, but overall my doubts on whether or not she knows are enough to keep me from doing so. I know she and her hubby are closet freaks to a degree... but I don't know to what degree. Once years ago I got a call from them about something they found on the web regarding me. At the time I was in the car with my mom and had to put the discussion off, got off the phone and the topic never came up again. They lived in OH at one point and when they moved there I made a comment about it being a "hot bed of swingers" and she agreed... I didn't try to take it further. I also know that his best friend from HS (we all went to HS together) and his wife are/were swingers (because he told me after finding our ad on SLS... I never would have recognized him).

 

So, after all that I say sometimes it's worth it but you really have to weigh the choice and approach it carefully. It's not one of those bombs you just drop like coming out as homosexual. You kinda gotta drop a few hints, and ease into it a bit.

 

You said that she was more open to it than he was. She's your sister, you aren't going to lose her permanently and she does have some influence over him. Give it some time and she'll be talking to you again and eventually so will he.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We are closest to my sister and "brother" than we are to anyone else. We almost felt that hiding this was sort of like lying to them. We felt the need to tell them the truth, since we always tell each other everything. Never in a million years did we think that they (actually, him...my sis is more understanding) would be angry. We thought they would make a joke out of it. We feel that it is similar to telling someone you are gay...they should accept you for who you are and for your choices in life, even though they may not agree with them. The fact that they accept our 3 gay cousins made us believe that we would also be accepted. I guess we thought wrong.

 

I just want to thank everyone for your great advice. I realize that I made a mistake and this has caused great heartache...not just for us, but for all parties involved. I now realize that I should have asked for advice BEFORE opening up. Now I think I know how it feels to be gay and not accepted. We will probably tell them that after thinking things through we realized that this might not be a good idea after all. That might be the best approach. I don't know any of you but I feel as though you have given me advice that only a true friend would give. Thank you so very much. I feel loved and accepted by all of you.

-Lisa

 

This will probably work, but I'd give it some time before I would resort to lying in this situation. Years ago, I accidentally told my mom by way of accidentally linking to one of my websites in an email to her. I was so glad that at the time I lived 800 miles away from her. It was not a good time and I felt awful and she felt awful and I ended up lying to her and saying it was all just for show on the website, etc. I don't know if she bought it but a few weeks later she did start talking to me again. These days, we don't really talk about what I do online. She knows I do something on the internet and that's about it. However, thanks to a lot of other things, we are closer than we ever were.