Would you take a small offering to a new threesome partner?

[Gordo 618]

Well it's been a long drought with a lot of bad meetings and posers over the last two years. We've walked away more than once shaking our heads over the lies and untruths people told compared to what arrived at the meetings.

 

One of the biggest problems was the "one party" is attractive in some fashion but the other is a dud. We finally decided to just try a threesome again and only have to focus on one person.

 

We ran a craigslist ad and actually got what seemed like a pretty good prospect (male) met him for a beer. He seemed pretty good so we had him over Sat night.

 

Wifey was a little unsure about screwing a just-about total stranger so I drew her up a 12 step program for guidance complete with cutouts and power point presentations only to have her go from step 1 to 12 when she just took him upstairs and screwed him.

 

I had agreed to stay out of the first one so that neither one of them was nervous but would be in on the second one.

 

We had the second session after and all went really well we had a great time.

 

So the issue is this and frankly it's a stupid little issue. We realized the next day he had showed up empty handed. We paid the bill for his two beer when we first met and had discussed the fact that he liked red wine. Accordingly we bought three selected bottles for the evening along with chips, nuts, etc. We probably shelled out $80 bucks altogether.

 

Now don't get me wrong we don't do this with expectations other than sex but still it bothered me in that at some level it seemed to indicate contempt or cheapness or thoughtlessness. None of which impressed us. I personally couldn't show up for an event like that without some flowers or chocolates or wine or even a plant it just seems like the "right" thing to do.

 

So I thought I would ask others their opinion. Am I out to lunch here or is this an indication of bad behaviour?

 

******************

 

edit

in response to another point brought up below the invitation was not for sex directly. It was a get to know us better meeting and something MIGHT happen but no guarantee.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

When invited to an acquaintance's house for dinner, I bring wine or some other small gift. That's because it's a social visit and I use my social handbook as guidance. Invited to an acquaintance's house for sex, I would bring myself and my personal safer sex supplies and nothing else. It's not a social occasion, if that makes any sense, and I would avoid even the appearance that I was confusing the two. Invited to a friend's house for sex, I'd bring wine too.

[Gordo 618]

Good point raised and I clarified the post above. The invitation was not for direct sex but for a get to know us better meeting and sex might happen if she felt a physical click. So more of a social invitation.

 

I spent about 1/2 a glass of wine in conversation with them and left them alone to talk and she and I had agreed she could move things forward if she felt anything.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I see it as a "no wrong answer" issue.

We'd appreciate it something was brought. We wouldn't think a thing of it if nothing was brought.

 

For us, it's a non-issue.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Hmmm, I usually bring something when meeting my female friend, if at her home then I bring wine, If we are meeting at my hotel then I usually meet her in the bar and we eat and have a drink or two before heading to my room. I always bring her a toy for us to play with and give them to her when we head our separate ways.

 

When meeting couples we will bring a bottle of wine and or other beverages and usually a snack for all to share during down time.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's a little strange that you had to pay for his beer, but, everyone is a little strange. If there was good chemistry and he is respectful that's the important thing.

 

We went to a guy's house (someone we had already met before and all paid for our own beer) for a threesome. We didn't bring anything, didn't expect anything. He had a rose for me. That made me feel a little weird, honestly. I didn't say anything and conveniently forgot to take it when the evening was over.

 

When we host or go to friends we don't expect anything except a fun time and a few orgasms, it makes things easier.

[latin2012 22]

Like someone else mentioned, don't know why you paid for his beers, at the least I would have paid for my own especially if it was just a meet unless of course you insisted I would not want to be rude, but I would insist on buying the next round. As for the wine, to me that seems like it was your call on what you bought, I would have suggested "hey bring something you might like to drink just in case you don't like what we have". I guess you all hosted at your place, to me the bigger issue would have been if you all would have played at a hotel/ motel then I would have insisted on sharing the bill. But all in all sound like you all had fun.

[O.C. 15]

I personally couldn't show up for an event like that without some flowers or chocolates or wine or even a plant...

 

 

To me that would be too much like a personal dating relationship and trying to begin a personal relationship with your wife.

[lotsoffun201 175]

When my ex and I played with single males, she had me buying them dinner, beers, and even gifts (shirts jewelry etc). WTF..... Was I that stupid? Single male has the pleasure of screwing my wife and I'm paying for it to boot? I mean there is a line here.......

 

IMHO, some effort needs to be made by single males....bring a bottle, flowers etc. My mother always taught me NEVER show up empty handed.

[Gordo 618]

The paying for the beer thing was just the bill came with our drinks and his two beer on it and as we invited him to meet we just paid it.

 

I had not thought of the "dating" relationship thing and can see where maybe flowers or chocolates might be taken the wrong way but wine?

 

So far those that have voted it's running at 50/50 for and against.

[exploringRM 305]

I invited to someone's house (sex or no sex, friends or strangers) I would bring a bottle of wine or something (snack). If meeting at a bar I would not expect for someone to pay for my (or our) drinks. If it came down to something more expensive like a hotel room we would offer to split the cost. Then again if we were hosting a single in our hotel room we would probably not ask or expect them to pay (have never been in that situation though).

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I voted I would. A bottle of wine? A six pack of beer? Tequila? Flowers would seem kind of "cheesy". It's not expected but there isn't anything wrong with bringing something to the party.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The paying for the beer thing was just the bill came with our drinks and his two beer on it and as we invited him to meet we just paid it.

 

I had not thought of the "dating" relationship thing and can see where maybe flowers or chocolates might be taken the wrong way but wine?

 

So far those that have voted it's running at 50/50 for and against.

 

I think you might have set a precedent by paying for his beer. It bothers me that he didn't say something or at least pull out his wallet and offer to pay for his beer. Was the wine the same night or the second meeting? Also was there a hotel room involved or did you invite him to your home to play?

[Wereserious4fun 36]

I always buy the first round of drinks. While I'm paying I let the wife discuss limits with the man.

[Golden 15]

On Sls. There was a big discussion because some people thought single males should pay for everything while others likened that to prostitution. While I hate to see money brought up, most people don't feel comfortable just taking, there has to be some sense of reciprocity.

[Gordo 618]

I think you might have set a precedent by paying for his beer. It bothers me that he didn't say something or at least pull out his wallet and offer to pay for his beer. Was the wine the same night or the second meeting? Also was there a hotel room involved or did you invite him to your home to play?

 

No he offered to pay but we already had the bill. It was really no big deal at the time. It was just after...when we started thinking.

 

The play date was separate at our house.

 

So far the poll is now running slightly in favor of bringing something. I mean a bottle of wine is so freakin' generic everybody brings one. And one of the major discussions was about what wines he and my wife liked. I'm not much of a wine drinker myself but you'd think sitting there talking to a lady you want to **** about a subject you both like in common you might spring for something to impress her when you finally get the chance.

 

Maybe I'm just too polite :-)

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

No he offered to pay but we already had the bill. It was really no big deal at the time. It was just after...when we started thinking.

 

The play date was separate at our house.

 

So far the poll is now running slightly in favor of bringing something. I mean a bottle of wine is so freakin' generic everybody brings one. And one of the major discussions was about what wines he and my wife liked. I'm not much of a wine drinker myself but you'd think sitting there talking to a lady you want to **** about a subject you both like in common you might spring for something to impress her when you finally get the chance.

 

Maybe I'm just too polite :-)

 

Your sample size is too small to be relevant.

 

It's not about manners or even about ordinary politeness. As a single, I was extraordinarily careful not to do anything that might indicate to a new couple that I viewed what we were doing as a date. Until you know people a little, their lines for what is or isn't too intimate aren't clear and my instinct then and now is to be very cautious. Obviously, that caution isn't necessary once you know people better.

[Gordo 618]

Your sample size is too small to be relevant.

 

I know but isn't it comforting to know that there are 5 polite people in the world and they all hang out here:D

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Hey, watch it! I bet the other three who voted no are just as polite. We just don't bring wine to strangers.

[Gordo 618]

You know it just struck me as hugely ironic. Here we are debating whether or not bringing a bottle of wine is a "proper" thing to do and then heading off to bed with an almost total stranger to bump uglies and breaking every convention known to polite society.

 

I wonder if Miss Manners covers this?

[PB&J 1,086]

We have a friend who comes over every couple of months for a Saturday evening. He always brings a nice bottle of wine. I admit I would find it very odd if he did not; we always take a bottle with us when we go over to someone's house for the evening. It just what we do. It's not a dating thing; it's a thank-you for the hospitality.

[Swing*8701 887]

As they say, a beginning is a delicate time. He noticed you were paying and simply thought that was how you wanted things. Look at it from the point of view that no harm or cheapness was intended, but he was simply ignorant of what was appropriate in that situation. By the way, how did you get two beers and three bottles of wine for only eighty dollars ? Anyway, consider the likelihood that he simply did not know any better. All things being equal, the simplest answer, that he simply did not realize matters, is the most probable one.

[naughty_kitten 56]

We'd be put off if someone showed up at our house empty handed.

[PB&J 1,086]

By the way, how did you get two beers and three bottles of wine for only eighty dollars ?

 

Gee, where we live you can walk into the liquor store and get a perfectly good bottle of wine for less than $20. Gordo is even luckier than us, because being in BC, he has more access to Okanagan wines. Lucky guy!

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

We just don't bring wine to strangers.

 

We'll fuck'em but we won't bring them wine. Sorry, just struck me as mildly amusing.

 

Seriously though, when we leave the house to play I do so with the assumption that we will be paying for everything. It is a pragmatic matter, we don't want to let money misunderstandings get in the way of a good time.

 

That said, if we are going to someone's house, couple, single or house party, we take a bottle of wine or something else if we know what they drink. If we are meeting out, I will offer to buy a round, maybe two, depending on how long we are there. If we are meeting at a hotel, we usually have our favorite libations and will offer everyone a drink but we do not take anything specifically meant for them. We choose to do so for no other reason than we see it as hospitable. If someone shows up at our place empty handed we do not take offense.

 

We do not look kindly on someone who starts to take our hospitality for granted and assumes we will pick up some or all of their part of the tab. That leaves a poor impression and enough poor impressions and we move on to other playmates.

[angelkin 1,326]

We never have taken something to a meeting unless we were sharing a meal at our host's home...in which case we take a salad, bread, or dessert. We're not wine drinkers (nor are most of our friends) and as such would have no idea what to buy - but we will readily share whatever libation we brought with us.

 

We once threw a party and a new-to-us single guy brought a dessert tray, shrimp cocktail, and flowers. We felt it was over-the-top...and I think my husband would be bothered if a male friend brought anything other than his own drink of choice to our home for a meeting. When hosting, we try to have a snack and drinks available and generally be hospitable...but nothing special.

[johnstarx5 61]

I may be invited to a couples house and I am thinking of asking them if there is anything I could bring. Too tacky?

[angelkin 1,326]

I don't think it's tacky at all. It's quite appropriate to ask if there's anything you could bring along, it's just good manners:)

[Gordo 618]

Gordo is even luckier than us, because being in BC, he has more access to Okanagan wines. Lucky guy!

 

Not really. It is a constant battle to keep Mrs Gordo from drinking the Okanagan dry.... :-)

 

I may be invited to a couples house and I am thinking of asking them if there is anything I could bring. Too tacky?

 

Nothing tacky about it at all. I would ask also.

[AdamGunn2 393]

As the husband of a hotwife, if the guy brought something, such as a bottle of wine that would be shared by all of us, it was fine. If he brought flowers or something like that, I was a little offended. (If she and he were regular lovers, I suspended that feeling.)

[lovefest04 697]

I would welcome any gift and accept it graciously as it was intended. If a man is asking to bring something, he is also showing his manners and respect.

 

A lot better than showing up un-showered, after having a few drinks on the way and immediately attacking my wife.

 

 

[Billygoat 443]

People are who they are and there are no set rules for social graces in the LS for meet n greets, situational setups or for just plain ol’ sex play.  I’m not including parties or an organized gatherings.  Just plain one on one, couples or themed play sessions.

 

During our years of hosting parties, threesomes, moresomes or fantasy experiences I would always advise single/solo males on expected etiquette, behaviors….expectations.  I often, for first time single/solo male party attendees that bringing a single flower (no roses) for each female attending or a nice bar of chocolate to hand out when introduced to wives/girlfriends, single and solo ladies was a great icebreaker.  But this was for or semi closed swinger group.  Not open to the public.

 

under normal/regular LS events maybe not very accepted.

[lcmim 1,081]

What would you do going to a new vanilla friends home for dinner?

 

Do that.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

lcmim has it precisely correct--do what you would do in any social setting.

 

We'll add that mourn the decline of social graces. We think:

 

1. Invitations should be answered quickly, graciously, and honestly.

2. If you RSVP "yes", understand that your hosts are expecting you and are planning around you. 

3. If you are going to be delayed more than 10 min, call. 

4. If circumstances arise that will prevent you from attending an accepted invitation, let your hosts know immediately. 

 

----

 

5. Small gifts are always welcome. While we commonly give and receive a bottle of wine, more creative gifts are always welcome. A set of coasters. A piece of slate and knife for cheese. Make them small and useful. In the LS especially, make sure the gift is clearly "for the house" or at least to be shared, and not directed to one or the other person. No gift is ever expected, and just about all are gratefully received. Those that are not are sometimes regifted...

 

6. Look for signs of "house rules" such as no shoes indoors, no ashtrays, whatever. If in doubt, ask. 

 

7. When your offer to help with this or that is declined, accept it gracefully. Use your own judgement on helping to clear the table after a meal, we always do. 

 

8. Be sensitive to cues from your hosts as to what they want to do and what they have planned. It's their home, their show, and so on. Be especially sensitive to cues that it is time to leave. 

 

---

 

9. Upon leaving, tell your hosts how wonderful it was to see them, dine with them, play with them, whatever. 

 

10. In the age of texting, we make a point of sending a "safe arrival home" to our hosts, especially if we are driving in hours of darkness. 

 

11. Some form of thank-you note is always appropriate. Your hosts made a special effort to share an enjoyable experience with you. While email is 'acceptable', a handwritten note sends a special and memorable 'thank-you'

 

 

 

[cplnluv1 871]

When Alan and I first started inviting people to our home we were the recipients of many little gifts that ran a wide range types, wine was the #1, pastries, pizza, a few gummies and a number of sex oriented playthings. We were always appreciative while the type of gift gave us a hint of the personality of those we met. We always tried to use the little gift as an ice breaker and way to relax extremely nervous curious newbies. 
Now that we have a smaller play group Alan and I are invitees more often so when we go to a home we ask what we can bring. 

[njbm 2,868]

Wine usually works. When we host people, we have wine, cheese, crackers, other snacks. If people have us over for dinner, we ask if we can bring dessert or an appetizer. 
 

When I was in college , there was a comedy show that was like Saturday Night Live called Fridays. Larry David and another comedian were dressed as ultra Orthodox Jews who were in a spying organization called the Matzoi. When they visited their arch enemy spy organization, they brought a cake. The enemies said why did you bring us a cake, we’re your enemy? The Matzoi said when you visit people, you can’t show up empty handed. 
 

We agree.