Says he loves me too much to be with other women

[swingymcgee 17]

hey there, we are having some issues. our relationship is not in jeopardy, we have talked through it but haven't really come to a conclusion about how we will continue. i feel very confused and sad, and i would love some advice.

 

basically, we have had 2 full swap experiences, and both times, my boyfriend wasn't able to stay hard more than a few minutes. he has never had any problem with this with me, or with anyone else before our relationship. he felt (at least somewhat) attracted to both girls, but just couldn't stay hard. it has also been his first time using condoms in over a year, which might have contributed. he feels very emasculated and distraught about this situation, and neither of us know what to do about it. i have loved our experiences, and i want to continue. he feels very turned on by the idea of being with another woman (and seeing me with another man), but when it comes time to perform, he hasn't been able to do it.

 

he feels like maybe he just loves me too much, and now can't have sex with someone else because of the strength of our emotional connection. i suspect this is true also, but i find myself so turned on thinking about the experiences we've had so far, and am finding it really hard not to check our accounts and read the messages i know we're getting. i feel like the right thing to do is to stop and delete our accounts and just be with each other, but i really want to continue.

 

he says he is not sure whether the issue is the condoms, not being attracted enough to the girls, not getting enough attention from them (bc they were paying a lot of attention to me), or just that he feels so emotionally connected to me that he can't get it up for another girl. he says he is not willing to be with another couple with a bi girl...he wants to be with a girl who will only pay attention to him, make him feel masculine and wanted again, etc. i suggested that he just go out to a bar or club, like he used to do before our relationship, and find a single girl to bring home. i would not be there. this is the only possible scenario he will consider, believing it will allow him to figure out whether he is capable of getting it up for a girl who's not me. i'm fine with it (just wish i could watch! which he wants me to do, but i know a vanilla girl wouldn't be cool with, and a unicorn would be impossible to find). however, i hesitate because i don't know if it's what he really wants. he wants to do it as a first step to finding out if he can keep swinging with me, because he knows how much i like it. he would be 100% happy just being with me and stopping swinging, but wants to please me, and that's why he wants to do this.

 

am i putting too much pressure on him? should i just accept that this may not be for him? is it wrong to let him try this scenario out as a way of getting back into swinging? i realize that ultimately, he needs to make this decision and figure out whether he's comfortable or not. and if he decides that he's not, i will stop. but i guess i want to know if other people have experienced something similar.

 

side note: i know you'll see my previous posts and warn me that we're too young, inexperienced, etc. i get it. just skip that stuff and give advice on our specific situation, if you don't mind.

[DigginIt 1,132]

What he is experiencing is not uncommon when you are new. I can't speak for every guy here but I know it was an adjustment. The sensory overload and the pressure to perform coupled with having to put on a condom is really detrimental to successful swinging for newbies. The first couple we swung with recommended Viagra and for the first two years I used it every time we swung. Now, it's rare to use anything.

 

In the time leading up to sex, we will get hard then soft then hard at least a half dozen times. Our poor penises don't know what the hell we are doing to them and by the time it comes to play time...they are like, really...you sure this time? Ha-ha.

 

I have that same emotional connection to my wife, just like your boyfriend has with you. I feel very similar and it's always better for me after a second or third time with a new couple because I like to feel some type of connection with the person I'm sleeping with but ultimately, it was just stress of the overwhelming excitement that was my issue. It's very hard emotionally on a guy when he can't stay hard.

 

Do you stay completely swapped because sometimes a big ol' pile on the bed will help. When you see him having some difficulties, it doesn't mean that you can't lend a hand or mouth, etc to help him get hard and then he can slam on the condom before his concentration breaks again.

 

Give him lots of reassurance. I'm not suggesting he use a ED pill but just saying that what he is experiencing is pretty common from our experiences and many go the ED pills initially to help.

[Lofn318 65]

To make a long story short ...... It happens, it will happen to him and it will happen to guys that are with you. You have to develop a thick skin in this, if you don't it is going to be tough for you to continue.

 

Going limp can be caused by a 1001 reasons, no need to mind fuck it and make more than it is. If he can't stay hard, then make he needs to make sure his partner knows it is all about her. Use his hands, mouth, fingers, any other thing that would please his partner. Then he needs to remember that at the end of the night weather he poured it to her like a porn star or he was trying to but a cold wet noodle in a keyhole, he gets to go home and be with you.

 

Just keep it light and pressure free......and make the most out of each opportunity that you have.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

to both the posts above.

 

I would also recommend hat you practice with the condoms at home, they can be a real mood killer when not used to them.

[Alura 2,775]

Perhaps your boyfriend hasn't yet learned to separate recreational sex from love, Swingy. It takes awhile, but as DigginIt said, experience seems to help.

 

When y'all swapped, did all four stay in one room or separate with one of the playmates? The times I had a problem, as a newby some thirty years ago, was when I was alone with Mrs. Playmate. I had the feeling that she was there because her husband wanted to be. She'd rather have been cross-stitching. That's a turn-off for the guy. It never happened with Mrs. Alura nor long time Mrs. Playmates.

 

Driving home one evening I asked Mrs. Alura how the sex had been.

 

"Just like ol' married folks," she replied. "I came, so it was good sex, but I'd like to make it more fun."

 

After a long talk, we decided to add some humor on our next meeting with the Playmates. Over dinner, we told them what we hoped to accomplish. The four-way conversation that started there continued through a two hour romp with all four of us on our sectional, talking, laughing, cracking jokes, and fucking. That came to be our favorite scenario for the rest of our swinging years. Full swaps in separate rooms never left our repertoire completely, but there was a lot more time spent with the four of us playing. Mrs. Alura had a talent for keeping the mood light. An example:

 

I was on one sectional enjoying Mrs. Playmate's brand of head while watching my wife and her well-hung husband. He had just succeeded in nestling his balls against Laura's ass. As they began to rock their bodies together, she said "I've felt cocks in my throat before, but never from this direction!!"

 

Everyone burst out laughing.

 

With one hand on each cheek of his ass, she tried to urge just one more milimeter inside her.

 

"Kiss me, Mr. Playmate. I want to see if you can lick the head of your cock."

 

"How can I get hot enough to fuck if you keep me laughing?" asked Mrs. Playmate.

 

"No, really!" Mrs. Alura continued, pointing at her gasping throat, "It right here!"

 

"I might be able to help," I told Mrs. Playmate, as I removed my cock from her mouth and...

 

We didn't swap mates to make love. We had all that we could handle with each other.

 

Alura

[swingymcgee 17]

hi guys, thanks for your responses. both situations were in the same bed, with us touching each other for much of the time. i think the issue is less just that he can't stay hard, and more about the REASONS he can't stay hard. i'm trying to determine whether it's physical or emotional, but i guess only he can figure that out. in the meantime, we are going to go on hiatus and i am going to have to just deal with it.

[drinnt 201]

DO NOT SEND HIM OUT ON HIS OWN to "prove his manhood". His manhood is JUST FINE. I go through this all the time. He just needs to accept that his emotions are closely tied to his sex response. Only TIME, EXPERIENCE AND A TON OF HONEST INTROSPECTION AND COMMUNICATION can get him anywhere. He needs to sort through what is coming up for him...honestly.

 

Falling back on his love for you is sweet and awesome. It's also safe and unrelated. I did the same thing once. I was dead wrong. I can love my wife more than myself and still have enough attraction / love for another girl to swap.

 

He needs to understand that this is COMMON AND NORMAL. Nothing is wrong with him. My advise from the issue I still deal with...accept it and only do what he's comfortable with. THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE having sex with someone you WANT to fuck and someone you think you SHOULD BE ABLE TO FUCK. Just because I think a girl is HOT does not mean I will have chemistry. Trust me, there are tons of hot chicks I have no interest in and it stinks at times...especially when the ones I want to fuck are in relationships that are a challenge to swinging or they have issues...or my wife isn't into the guy.

 

I have acknowledged that I need a particular chemistry to proceed sexually. Even then there is no guaranty but at least all people involved have a good time regardless of what happens with my cock. He needs to get to the heart of what's up for him...and then if he chooses to proceed sexually he needs to just relax and watch. It may take him a while to get into the scene. Sometimes I get hard right away, then when things get serious it takes me 20-30 minutes to get hard enough to fuck...then I'll fuck all night. Everyone has their threshholds...just because he's one way with you does not mean his body will respond the same way during group sex. It takes something different to flip everyone's switch.

 

I argue against erectile drugs if he's fine with you alone. If it's not physiological then don't risk further physical harm by introducing drugs.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

If he is only doing this to please you, he will struggle because he doesn't want to do this out of his own interest in it.

 

Only engage in what you both want or it will be bad experiences.

[swingymcgee 17]

drinnt and daggersnroses, thanks a lot for your great advice. the more people i talk to, the more normal i realize all of this is. i think that with time and trial and error, he will figure out what works best for him. i know it's always important for the person who's less comfortable to make the decisions, and although i initially thought that would be me, it's definitey turning out to be him. so i'm going to go at his pace and if/when he's ready to try again, play by his rules. thanks everyone. cross your fingers for us being able to continue in this amazing lifestyle.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

i know it's always important for the person who's less comfortable to make the decisions, and although i initially thought that would be me,

 

When the door opens to new experiences, new thoughts and new feelings; sometimes there are surprises. It's a new exploration after all.

 

 

The Rose

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think the why of why he's not getting/staying hard is probably a combination of all the reasons you've listed. My hubby has the same issue at times, and he's found that (for him) it's mostly a combination of two things: 1. Not spending enough time getting to know the woman to really feel into her, and 2. Not being 100% sure that she's really into him. If there's any doubt in his mind it will affect him. So, yeah if the girl was paying more attention to me, than to him that would be a major downer. Heck, it would be a downer to me, if I was trying to enjoy someone and they were paying more attention to someone else.

 

The real question is how to address this. I don't think you have to send him out without you, but I think he's right in trying to look for a full swap scenario that doesn't involve the girl/girl play, so that he can feel she is his focus. Unfortunately, this is a common problem in swinging, as well, since so many couples are really more interested in finding a woman to play with than they are a couple... they just settle for a couple by default. It's something you have to learn to weed out and really look for couples that are actually interested in being with both of you.

 

I think the idea of sending him out without you, might lead to much bigger problems and if that's the only choice, you'd probably be better off to put the whole idea of swinging on hold for a while while you both work through this.

[swingymcgee 17]

hi guys, just wanted to give you an update. i do think that his reasons are a combination of factors, but the fact of the matter is that our most recent experience left him feeling discouraged enough that he is not open to it at this time. i have pushed it a little too hard, leading to fighting and potentially more serious repercussions in the relationship. at this point, i have decided he's more important and i need to let go and focus on him. our foray was fun, and hopefully he will come around at some point (and be ready to address some of his own insecurities), but right now he's not ready.

[Alura 2,775]

It's always better to go with the safer option, Swingy. Good luck with y'all's decision and please stop by from time to time to let us know how y'all are doing!

 

Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

at this point, i have decided he's more important and i need to let go and focus on him.

 

Always the best choice for a happy relationship.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- If you ever pursue this again, he really needs the right sex partner, the right 'other' girl, if you like. I find that what makes all difference is when the guy knows I'm into him and sexually genuine. Once I get going with a guy, the focus is on him and it always goes so much better than if there are distractions. I find giving myself totally to the sexual experience in the moment, always goes well and the man loves it and so do I . I often say that when I have sex with other people that I want it to be so great the neighbors need a cigarette.

[10thBadger 25]

On 2/26/2013 at 10:33 AM, swingymcgee said:

drinnt and daggersnroses, thanks a lot for your great advice. the more people i talk to, the more normal i realize all of this is. i think that with time and trial and error, he will figure out what works best for him. i know it's always important for the person who's less comfortable to make the decisions, and although i initially thought that would be me, it's definitey turning out to be him. so i'm going to go at his pace and if/when he's ready to try again, play by his rules. thanks everyone. cross your fingers for us being able to continue in this amazing lifestyle.

I would just listen to what he said to you. He loves you so much that he cant sustain an erection with another woman because he loves you so much and only wants to be with you. I think it’s very clear what he is saying and you trying to fix that or trying to psychoanalyze what he is saying is probably bringing more stress. That man loves you like crazy. Just realize that you have something very special with him. Just think about all the women in the world who would like to have that problem that you are having with your boyfriend lol

[enhancer 1,586]

Totally disagree with the anti-swinger above!  A person that says they are 99 percent sure this lifestyle is not for them, but spends 99 percent of their time on this site, lol. I don’t think how much a guy loves his wife has anything to do with him being unable to maintain an erection when with others.  Completely normal and happens to many men in these situations.  Too many distractions going on in the head will cause over thinking that makes the unit down below not work the way you want it too.

[NoAngels 349]

12 minutes ago, enhancer said:

Totally disagree with the anti-swinger above!

Why bother answering him?