Husband wanting sex without me, any thoughts?

[looking4advice 15]

Hi, my hubby and I have been married 8 yrs and are really happy. We have sex at least everyday so that isn't a prob.

 

We have always talked about swap/playing together. We have never discussed anything alone, nor did it cross my mind. He recently told me he thought a chick was hot. (she is a mom in my son's class) then it turned out she is also a mom at son's sport practice. After that he tells me he wants to "hit it". I was floored cuz he doesn't want me involved. We could start swapping or bring in another female, but he says that isn't enough. He wants to know he can still get someone into bed that is a challenge, that it is about the ego boost.

 

He doesn't get why I am jealous of her but wouldn't be of a another woman/couple I was also involved in, that either way it is sex. The couples we know are in love and just having fun and I think that is great and could see how it would benefit their marriage, also their fun is very discreet.

 

I asked if he would rather me stay home from practice and he said yeah kinda. He wants to see how far he can take it with her. Since she is single, I am worried she will not be discreet, and he doesn't want to tell her I know, for fear he won't get laid.

 

He also wants me to go out on dates with other men and let him listen to sex. I would rather we just all be there no matter what we do, guess he doesn't feel the same. Given all the sex he gets and all the options I am giving him, I don't think it's fair to go out and date this/these women (if more arise in the future). All while I am at home alone, or having to face this woman that thinks I dont know my husband is doing this. Not to mention she is not the only parent that I know at these practices.

 

He says he wont be too obvious, but that doesn't keep her from talking. This isn't about us but only about him and that upsets me. I don't think he is gonna fall for her/them, just don't understand why he wants to do stuff without me. He says he is way into me, and that this is just about his ego and doesn't reflect on me.

 

Is he justified in his wants and expectations? Am I being unrealistic to think we could swap if I cannot handle him doing this? Please give me your thoughts!!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Here are my thoughts: Your husband is ridiculously selfish.

 

That being said, he will probably do this regardless of your feelings, your child's welfare or anyone else's concerns.

 

The whole thing sounds like a terrible idea. Other parents will find out. It happened to someone I know. Your family will be looked down on.

 

From this post, which I'm sure is not the whole story of your marriage, he cares nothing about your feelings, and can't compromise. He only wants what he wants.

 

I would give him a copy of the book Opening Up by Tristan Taromino. It talks about all types of open relationships and has great guidelines for setting rules and boundaries. Read it together and keep discussing non-monogamy.

 

You might think about finding a sex positive marriage counselor also.

 

I'm really sorry. Your story makes me so sad and angry for you. You're doing all the right things.

[Guest sandraandalex]

This is simply a bad idea. And what if your ego driven husband gets her pregnant ? Which is one very likely outcome.

[IEcouple 222]

You should tell him that his disregard for your feelings makes you doubt whether your relationship can last. (Hopefully you ARE doubting it.) If this doesn't concern him at all, then show him the door.

 

Seriously, if what he were describing were a fantasy or part of a role-play that he wanted to try with you included, then that would not necessarily be a red flag. Even thinking out loud about is sort of understandable because guys in LTRs do find themselves wondering about this sometimes. But if he thinks its something he can do without your participation or approval, then that shows a deep disrespect for you and your relationship.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

. Is he justified in his wants and expectations? !

 

His ego needs to chill on ice. It may well come between you and push you apart.

 

I can't speak for anyone else but our choice to explore swinging is about sharing an experience and enjoying sexuality together. It wouldn't be good if it was about satisfying my husband's ego because there is no us in that.

 

 

The Rose

[Baron-n-kitty 104]

Sounds like to me he wants to go behind your back....but, with your permission. And Im not entirely sold that your permission is gonna matter either way. Thats just what I get out of the post. I dont get where hes coming from tho. Having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Me and my wife are noobs and have yet to do anything but, I wouldent want any 1vs1 or solo at all. I want my partner in crime with me in whatever we do. And that holds true in whatever we do, sexual or not.

 

Plus....I dunno but, I kinda think its unfair for the other lady involved. She should be brought onboard and know what the deal is. If not then your both lying to her. Seems like she (and yourself for that matter) could get hurt. Just the opinion of a noob.

[SwingerGirl 132]

This is just my 2 cents, I'm not an expert by any means....... To me, this is one of the reasons that sexually satisfied men (or women) cheat. It has everything to do with the thrill of the chase, and very little to do with the actual sex. Another reason is that the risk of getting caught is the turn-on. I don't think swinging will offer the same kind of thrill. Yes, you might have to do a little "chasing" in swinging. You will have to be charming and sexy. But you are meeting people for the specific purpose of sex. He sounds like he wants to convince this woman to sleep with him.

 

I would normally commend someone for being open with their partner about this kind of desire, but in this case it sounds more like he would do it even if you asked him not to. And even if he didn't do it, he might not feel sexually satisfied without it.

 

Swinging is about communication, regarding all parties. With the woman being left out of the loop as far as her knowing that you know, all kinds of nasty things can happen. She could become emotionally attached and then bring on the drama. She could talk about it with other people. That might be part of the thrill for her. She "conquered" another woman's husband. I'm not saying similar things have never happened and will never happen again with swinging, but I think it would be less likely because everyone going in knows that it is about sex.

 

If you are agreeable, I would talk seriously with him about maybe having an open relationship, but I would make it clear that everyone involved needs to know exactly what is going on. And if that isn't what you want, you shouldn't budge on it.

 

Good luck to you and keep us updated.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

When I see threads like this, part of me really wants to say "Go ahead, let him go play his game". The reason? It would most likely end up as a lesson in humility, as most guys aren't as good at bedding women as they think they used to be when they were younger, and he'd probably end up going down in flames.

 

In reality though: Not a good idea. Permission to pursue one would probably be interpreted as permission to pursue any and everything out there.

[Desdemona1980 297]

This is just my 2 cents, I'm not an expert by any means....... To me, this is one of the reasons that sexually satisfied men (or women) cheat. It has everything to do with the thrill of the chase, and very little to do with the actual sex. Another reason is that the risk of getting caught is the turn-on. I don't think swinging will offer the same kind of thrill. Yes, you might have to do a little "chasing" in swinging. You will have to be charming and sexy. But you are meeting people for the specific purpose of sex. He sounds like he wants to convince this woman to sleep with him.

 

I would normally commend someone for being open with their partner about this kind of desire, but in this case it sounds more like he would do it even if you asked him not to. And even if he didn't do it, he might not feel sexually satisfied without it.

 

I agree. As I read the OP, my first thought was "he sounds like a cheater in swinger's clothing."

[SwingerGirl 132]

When I see threads like this, part of me really wants to say "Go ahead, let him go play his game". The reason? It would most likely end up as a lesson in humility, as most guys aren't as good at bedding women as they think they used to be when they were younger, and he'd probably end up going down in flames.

 

In reality though: Not a good idea. Permission to pursue one would probably be interpreted as permission to pursue any and everything out there.

 

Yeah, this isn't a good idea at all lol. In my last relationship, we were swinging and he was free to pursue solo sex if he pleased, and he STILL cheated- quite often- with a lot of people :P

[looking4advice 15]

Thankyou all for your input, so nice to be able to vent if nothing else. We are so new to this that I didnt know if I was just not mature enough to handle the jealousy that would come along with swinging etc. I dont have a problem when I see him with our female friend who is a swinger, but she is also happily married and I guess it feels different. He is actually an amazing husband and father etc and he stuck with me when I was going through issues and I want to do the same for sure. He gave me the choice on this issue, whether or not he could pursue it. I said no, but that if we could find another woman that I am not tied to in tons of ways then maybe. He said he respects my choice, but I know that ofcourse he is still wanting it, but I honestly do not think he will go behind my back, he isnt really like that. He is more likely to be blunt and unintentionally tell me something hurtful than to go behind my back. But I do NOT want any drama whatsoever, not that kinda person.He does want to do stuff with me too, but the fact that this had been made the priority had made me feeling very insecure to say the least! He says if something else comes up instead he is all for it, but right now I am kinda too stressed to go there lol. I guess I thought as much sex as we have etc, that this wouldnt ever become an issue unless together, so I feel kinda blindsided(yes I know he is a guy, but most men seem to be stepping out due to lack of sex) I am not positive where we will go from here, but thanks so much for all your responses!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

First off, Welcome! I think you've found the right place to get a much better handle on what swinging is what to expect. You are absolutely right in how you feel and he was being a jerk.

 

First, I hope that if you haven't already, you let him know how much this idea really hurt your feelings and be absolutely honest about why.

Second, it's important to understand that this has nothing to do with sex... not the amount of sex you have, nor about the sex with others. It is just as he said, about his ego. I think that if you both choose to go into swinging together he will find that (assuming he's reasonably attractive and not a jerk) he will get the ego stroking he needs, as well as more sex.

That said, I will tell you that the more sex we are having at home, the more I want sex elsewhere. It's a strange correlation, but I've ALWAYS been this way. I can't explain it. So, don't judge anything by the amount he's getting at home. And again, understand that cheating (should it come to that) is almost never about the actual sex.

 

It sounds like he's maybe hitting that middle-aged male point of feeling like he's not as attractive as he once was and wants to prove to himself that he's still "got it". That's what he said and I believe it. I think we all go through moments like that. I think it's just really important for him to understand that there is so much wrong with his idea. That lying should never be part of cheating - and that includes lying to the other person. Mixing swinging with your vanilla life can also be a really bad idea, especially in a situation like that. I wouldn't worry too much that she may be less discreet just because she's single. However, in a small community they are likely to be seen together and word will get out. She doesn't know you know and no one else will... it just makes you look bad. These are all things he's not really thinking about but should be.

 

I'm glad to hear that after talking about he's put it on the back-burner back into fantasyland. Perhaps the two of you can work together to find a fun couple to get together with and go from there. In the meantime, we are here for you and I hope you'll make full use of this site and all the great folks here.

[looking4advice 15]

hi this is the husband here. I think it is really funny and hypocritical that you guys can sit on a site like this and judge me for being open with my wife about how i am feeling. When you yourselves are doing things that is completly unorthodox and would be judged by other people. What makes what you do so much better?let me guess its because you are doing it together, but i bet it was not her idea in the first place. Its no different than you guys having sex in a seperate room and even if you dont do that you are still fucking someone else. At least i came to her about how i am feeling witch speakes volumes about my feelings for her.

[windsor4fun2 130]

Telling her how you feel doesn't speak volumes about your feeling towards her. How you deal with her concerns about what you want to do will.

[SwingerGirl 132]

hi this is the husband here. I think it is really funny and hypocritical that you guys can sit on a site like this and judge me for being open with my wife about how i am feeling. When you yourselves are doing things that is completly unorthodox and would be judged by other people. What makes what you do so much better?let me guess its because you are doing it together, but i bet it was not her idea in the first place. Its no different than you guys having sex in a seperate room and even if you dont do that you are still fucking someone else. At least i came to her about how i am feeling witch speakes volumes about my feelings for her.

 

Dear Sir. I am sorry that you feel this way. I do not believe it was the intention of anyone here to look down their noses at you. Whether you are a swinger or a cheater, you are a person in a tough position and you are a person that has put your wife in a tough position. Those are her words, not ours.

 

but he says that isnt enough............that it is about the ego boost.............guess he doesnt feel the same..........all the options I am giving him, I dont think its fair to go out and date this/these women

 

Again- that is what she put in her original post. That is the information we have to go off of when she asks us for advice. Our assessment of those phrases leads us to believe that you may attempt to fulfill your fantasy with no regard of for how she feels. We did not brand you, we simple attempt to make sense of the information given.

 

I commend you for being honest with your wife. However, we get the idea from her post that just because you were honest, and she told you she didn't like the idea, that you would do it anyway. If we are incorrect about this, then I'm sure we can all agree that we are sorry for the miscommunication and ask for further details so that we can give better quality advice- should you choose to still seek it.

 

Now, on to your assessment of us

 

What makes what you do so much better?

 

What makes what we do so much better is based again on the assessment that we made, based on what your wife told us, that you are in fact not being honest or respectful. Putting the fact that you were honest with your wife aside, if the situation would of played out the way you liked, you still were not being honest with the other woman involved. I'm sorry, but I believe that she would have a right to know upfront what she was getting herself into. What if she got pregnant? What if she feel in love with you? What if she was shamed by the community if they found out she was sleeping with a married man? What if she was embarrassed to see your wife? You are attempting to put her in a situation, without her full knowledge, that could affect every aspect of her life. That is not fair to her. She could be put into a situation where she could have to pull her child out of practice for the reasons that I mentioned before. Her children could be ridiculed at school if the other kids started talking about what was going on. She could have Borderline Personality Disorder and wreak havoc on you and your family. These would all be things caused by YOU for not being honest.

 

Swingers, for the most part, value honesty and communication between all parties involved above anything else. Does that make us better? You bet your socks it does.

 

let me guess its because you are doing it together, but i bet it was not her idea in the first place

 

No, it is not because couples on here "do it together". There are many swingers that practice more of an open relationship type situation than the "same room sex" or even separate room. However, as I stated above, it is because all parties involved know what is going on and can freely consent or not based on full knowledge of the situation. Also, there are many women that bring up the idea of swinging to their male partners. It is not a one way street.

 

Its no different than you guys having sex in a seperate room and even if you dont do that you are still fucking someone else

 

I'm not sure I need to say it again, but I will- It is different. You are so hung up on the sex that you are not seeing that the honesty and communication are simply not there in your situation.

 

Sorry for the extra long post. Good luck to you and yours. Hopefully you can use some of the advice in this post to realize that we are not coming down on you just to have someone to fuss about. I personally would like to hear more from you and your wife should you see that we are here to help you, not hurt you.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I am about to break my own policy and do something I will likely regret. I have not read each post in this thread completely so I would usually refrain from replying as to not reply out of context. But this post prompted me to veer from my regular policy.

 

hi this is the husband here. I think it is really funny and hypocritical that you guys can sit on a site like this and judge me for being open with my wife about how i am feeling. When you yourselves are doing things that is completly unorthodox and would be judged by other people.

 

When someone comes here and solicits advice, they generally receive it. It may not be what they want to hear, but they get it anyway. The advice is free, and you are free to take it or leave it. Even thought the advice is free, there is a great deal of experience here and the advice, on whole, is usually very sound.

 

Yes, what we do is outside the societal norm. We travel in tight circles of those with similar beliefs. Within those circles we are honest with each other and respect others feelings. Particularly when it comes to our significant other. There is absolutely nothing hypocritical of people on this site giving warning to someone seeking out advice, particularly when it appears that persons SO is in disregard of their feelings and wishes. To state otherwise clearly shows you do not understand some of the base tenets of swinging.

 

If you carry on with your infatuation against your SO's feelings and wishes, then you will be cheating on her. Ironically that will make your actions far more main stream than those of swinging. So where is the hypocrisy? IS it with swingers who practice honesty, openness and respect with our SO and suggest your SO expect the same from you. Or would it be with a society that looks at a consensual non-monogamous relationship as wrong while turning a blind eye to cheating that destroys relationships and lives? Maybe we are using different versions of hypocrisy.

 

What makes what you do so much better?let me guess its because you are doing it together, but i bet it was not her idea in the first place.

 

Better? I am not sure I like that turn of phrase here. However, respecting our SO's wishes is certainly something we hold in higher regard than it appears you seem to hold.

 

Oh, and by the way. Participating in the lifestyle was my wife's idea. Lucky me.

 

Its no different than you guys having sex in a seperate room and even if you dont do that you are still fucking someone else. At least i came to her about how i am feeling witch speakes volumes about my feelings for her.

 

Not really. Most all of us here discuss every aspect of our lives and desires, not just those related to swinging, with our SO's. Including separate room play and "fucking" others. In that regard you have not done anything greater for your spouse than anyone else here. However, if you move forward in this endeavor without her consent and blessing then you will have fallen far short of the standards we have set for ourselves as swingers.

 

Perhaps you are lashing out at this board because you know what your SO has been told is accurate and it paints a negative picture of you.

[Guest sandraandalex]

To the husband: Just because you shared what you wanted does not mean it is to be validated or is the right thing. First, you are trying to 'bag' this other woman as a conquest: bad form ! Second, you are not being honest about the fact that your wife would know and be complicit in you having sex with her : bad form ! Third, everyone is telling you, including your wife, that this is a bad idea and you shouldn't do it and you're ignoring it: bad form ! The reason your wife posted is that people here do know what a positive, yet alternative sexual activity is and what you want to do, isn't it. Lastly, we're not better than you, but we are sexually wiser, from this point of view.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I echo much of what Swingergirl had to say but I wanted to add something to the husband of this couple.

 

I was one who mentioned the us in this experience. It may look different to you since you are there and were involved in the conversations. We are having to respond to a quick peek given with a few words. My response came from reading that you felt you needed to chase a woman to feel like you still were in the game and had it. That is about ego not sharing an experience with your spouse.

 

ThI don't feel at all that I am better than you because my husband and I prefer to be having sexual contact together with others. What I feel is that you may not be engaging in something with your spouse here, you may not be considering the issues that can arise in your choices and your wife's feelings have been hurt. Those things don't equal good things.

 

So I will maintain my previous opinion, this can not be about your ego if you and your wife are looking for good experiences.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

. , but i bet it was not her idea in the first place..

 

On this one; my husband and I spent a long time enjoying the fantasies of having sexual encounters that involved others. I was the one who actually brought the idea up for serious consideration the first time.

 

 

The Rose