Swinging to love?

[JW6145 22]

I’ve been lurking a while and read a ton here the boards. Now I’ve gotten myself into a situation that is not talked about very much on here. I’ve fallen in love with a playmate. I really didn’t mean for it to happen, and from what she tells me she didn’t mean for it to happen either. Let me start by saying I’ve been completely open and 100% honest with my wife, and my playmate Becca tells me that she has been mostly open with her husband. We’ll get to that in a bit.

 

Becca and I met at a club, just a few months ago. From the first I thought she was attractive, I mean let’s face it, we’re here to fuck attractive people, right? My wife, Angie, and I went to the club that night to have some fun. We’re experienced swingers-we don’t play alot, swinging does not rule our lives- but we’ve had our share of fun. The night I met Becca was no different; we hoped to meet some fun people, have some good to great sex, and maybe make some friends we could hang out with on a regular basis.

 

Becca and I both realized pretty quickly that there is a strong physical attraction between the two of us. The sex is effortless and I’ve never fit together with anyone better. After that first night of being together, my wife Angie and Becca’s husband Rob exchanged numbers. Becca asked for my number but I declined, telling her she could just text Angie if she wanted. I don’t normally like to have communication with the women I play with outside of swinging situations. I was not able to get Becca out of my head for the next several days- which is unusual for me. I threw caution to the wind sent her my number via SLS. She texted me a few hours later. Over the next several days we exchanged texts and even spoke on the phone a few times. All with Angie’s knowledge.

 

We all four got together again a few weeks later-and it was even better than the first time. It was that night that I recognized that I had developed emotional feelings for Becca, and I was pretty sure that she had developed similar feelings for me.

 

A few days after we were all together the second time I told my wife about my feelings for Becca. I told her I didn’t know if I was getting our sexual chemistry mixed up with emotion but I thought that could be the case. To my surprise Angie did not freak out. She told me she suspected something was up-given the amount of communication between Becca and I. I took a few weeks to sort out my feelings and spent many more hours talking to both Angie and Becca. I realized that I was probably in love with Becca. And I told them both so. Becca told me she feels the same way. This is not the “oh, I’ve just fucked someone new, I hope they like me best” kind of feeling. We’ve both been with other people since we met and it has not cooled our emotions. This is raw, real and deep.

 

When I told Angie all of this she gave me license to pursue a relationship with Becca and follow it wherever it may lead. I did not ask for this, Angie offered it to me. Angie is secure about our commitment to each other-I am not leaving my wife and Becca and Angie both know that. Becca also has no intention of leaving her husband.

 

Becca has talked with her husband Rob about us and the feelings we’ve developed for each other. What she has not told him is that she thinks loves me, she does not know how he would react to that (here is the mostly open part that I alluded to in the first paragraph). She has told him our feelings are deep but has not gone into how much we care for each other. Rob is completely comfortable with texts and calls throughout the day, but not with Becca and I meeting without him and Angie there-even for lunch or dinner. I completely understand and respect this. I don’t like it, but I respect it. I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way. I really genuinely like Rob by the way, he treats both Becca and Angie really well-and he and Angie have really great sex together. Angie has told Rob that it’s just sex between the two of them and Rob feels the same way. They have no other feelings for each other past that.

 

Becca and I text every day and talk several times a week; I know about her life and children, and she knows about mine. We have similar interests and lives outside of swinging, we are in similar businesses. We have become emotional rocks for each other. I get emotional needs met from her that I do not get from Angie. Again, I have been upfront with Angie about all this and she is fine with it.

 

So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?

 

Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?

 

How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?

 

Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.

[LFM2 1,482]

First of all, to the Swingers Board! I think I need to spread my thoughts out paragraph by paragraph.

 

I’ve been lurking a while and read a ton here the boards. Now I’ve gotten myself into a situation that is not talked about very much on here. I’ve fallen in love with a playmate. I really didn’t mean for it to happen, and from what she tells me she didn’t mean for it to happen either. Let me start by saying I’ve been completely open and 100% honest with my wife, and my playmate Becca tells me that she has been mostly open with her husband. We’ll get to that in a bit.

 

What does Becca's husband really know?

 

Becca and I both realized pretty quickly that there is a strong physical attraction between the two of us. The sex is effortless and I’ve never fit together with anyone better. After that first night of being together, my wife Angie and Becca’s husband Rob exchanged numbers. Becca asked for my number but I declined, telling her she could just text Angie if she wanted. I don’t normally like to have communication with the women I play with outside of swinging situations. I was not able to get Becca out of my head for the next several days- which is unusual for me. I threw caution to the wind sent her my number via SLS. She texted me a few hours later. Over the next several days we exchanged texts and even spoke on the phone a few times. All with Angie’s knowledge.

 

So, just curious -- when you and Becca realized there was a strong attraction between the two of you, why didn't you stop things right there? Or at least keep it to that one night?

 

We all four got together again a few weeks later-and it was even better than the first time. It was that night that I recognized that I had developed emotional feelings for Becca, and I was pretty sure that she had developed similar feelings for me.

 

Why didn't you just stop things in its tracks at this time? Is this going to lead to a poly relationship?

 

A few days after we were all together the second time I told my wife about my feelings for Becca. I told her I didn’t know if I was getting our sexual chemistry mixed up with emotion but I thought that could be the case. To my surprise Angie did not freak out. She told me she suspected something was up-given the amount of communication between Becca and I. I took a few weeks to sort out my feelings and spent many more hours talking to both Angie and Becca. I realized that I was probably in love with Becca. And I told them both so. Becca told me she feels the same way. This is not the “oh, I’ve just fucked someone new, I hope they like me best” kind of feeling. We’ve both been with other people since we met and it has not cooled our emotions. This is raw, real and deep.

 

When I told Angie all of this she gave me license to pursue a relationship with Becca and follow it wherever it may lead. I did not ask for this, Angie offered it to me. Angie is secure about our commitment to each other-I am not leaving my wife and Becca and Angie both know that. Becca also has no intention of leaving her husband.

 

I'm still reading -- kinda shaking my head here and there.

 

Becca has talked with her husband Rob about us and the feelings we’ve developed for each other. What she has not told him is that she thinks loves me, she does not know how he would react to that (here is the mostly open part that I alluded to in the first paragraph). She has told him our feelings are deep but has not gone into how much we care for each other. Rob is completely comfortable with texts and calls throughout the day, but not with Becca and I meeting without him and Angie there-even for lunch or dinner. I completely understand and respect this. I don’t like it, but I respect it. I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way. I really genuinely like Rob by the way, he treats both Becca and Angie really well-and he and Angie have really great sex together. Angie has told Rob that it’s just sex between the two of them and Rob feels the same way. They have no other feelings for each other past that.

 

Please, don't overstep Rob's wishes. That's were drama will come in. It seems to me that Rob isn't making a fully informed decision based on this. He's only going off of what Becca's let him know and it's not really the whole truth, is it? Dishonesty will derail that train every time and we all know where that leads: a giant train wreck, my friend.

 

Becca and I text every day and talk several times a week; I know about her life and children, and she knows about mine. We have similar interests and lives outside of swinging, we are in similar businesses. We have become emotional rocks for each other. I get emotional needs met from her that I do not get from Angie. Again, I have been upfront with Angie about all this and she is fine with it.

 

So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?

 

Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?

 

How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?

 

Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.

 

So, Angie's fine with everything, but she also knows everything, right? The same cannot be said for Rob. He only knows what Becca's told him which is not the whole truth. Is this going to lead to drama-ville? You bet it will. Long term? I have my doubts right now, because only three of the four people know the whole truth.

 

Personally, I think you're disrespecting Angie and Rob big-time. I believe you're not honoring her, either. The same goes with Rob. I feel sorry for that guy all because he's operating under one premise that things are OK when the whole situation is not really as it seems. It seems to me you're acting like a hormonal teenager. Your first love. Did you ever have those same feelings for Angie?

 

I'm going to throw in a disclaimer that I've had a very long day. I just got home, I'm unwinding and this is the first thread I see. I swore upon my husbands heart that if I ever felt something for someone else, we'd stop with that couple immediately and seek more playtime with them. In all the years we've been playing with others, I not even had an inkling for another person. I can choose to add or detract from this as needed.

 

I know it happens, though. You're not the first and you definitely won't be the last it happens to. Dave was telling me a story about two couples that lived down the street from them when he was a little boy. He said that both couples divorced and then each of them married the others spouse. He said he really didn't get it that they were swingers until he was in high school and then it dawned on him then that's what must have happened.

[Mr&MrsV 46]

Oh geez I'm brand new to this and just exploring the boards and this quite possible the LAST thing I needed to read! I have been the one bringing up this lifestyle to my s/o... If I brought him to this LS for just a little extra fun and this is what the result was... ugh it just makes nauseous reading this

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?

 

Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?

 

I would guess that one in a thousand similar situations work long term, a few more work for a few years and most really are a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?

 

Since Rob has good reasons not to be comfortable, including that he's not in full possession of all the facts, I suspect this isn't really navigable. Part of the problem is that emotionally you and Becca might feel like a unit, but you aren't. Instead, you're two halves of two different couples and - as LFM2 points out - only three of you have a clear view of the situation. How is it in Rob's best interests to make opportunities for you and Becca to be together?

 

Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.

 

As I read your post, I kept thinking how unfortunate it all sounded. I think I'd feel differently if all four of you had the same information, even if not everyone was comfortable with the situation. Then at least you'd all be on equal footing and able to make decisions based on honesty and good communication.

 

How do you see this working out, long or short term?

[SwingerGirl 132]

I personally don't think there is anything "wrong" with being in love with two people at the same time. Although, I'm not sure if that is the case. I don't want to be disrespectful by asking this, but how is your love for your wife? I know you mentioned that you won't leave her, but that doesn't always amount to love. Again, no disrespect, I just want to make sure I understand

 

My advice would be to stop all one on one communication with Becca until everyone is on the same page. Rob has a right to know exactly how deep this goes. Without that, there will just be more drama than anyone wants to deal with. I can't tell you what you guys should do after that. That is up to how everyone feels about the situation.

 

Speaking to the topic and not your specific situation, I would have to say that this is something that every person- swinger or not- could potentially encounter. I personally do not believe that anyone should ever consider themselves or their partner "safe" from falling in love with someone else. One true love for every person? No, I don't believe it. No, I'm not polyamorous (yet?), I am just simply trying to convey that I do not think this a "swinger issue". I don't think being a swinger puts you at any more "risk" of falling in love with multiple people than being vanilla does.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

The probability of drama seems very high.

 

For one, Rob is still somewhat in the dark because Becca is being less than honest with him. Never a good thing, particularly with swinging couples.

 

Second, both you and Becca continued to pursue each other even after you both realized there were emotions growing beyond what was safe. If both couples had been seeking poly relationships, then that is one thing, but neither couple appears to have been in that place mentally.

 

I have had lusty attachments where I really like playing with a certain women, but nothing emotionally beyond friendship. If I had started having deeper feelings I would have told my wife as you did, but I would have insisted we stop seeing that couple, regardless of what my wife said.

 

Finally, you call Becca your rock, what does that make Angie? In what kind of situation are placing both yours and her children? Becca's husband is being displaced from his relationship. Do you really need us to tell you there there is drama coming down the road? Really?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

For the original poster...

 

For a moment, turn your brain back to the time to the time before you met Becca and Rob. Angie was the one-and-only-centerpiece of your life. And she of yours. She has given her blessing to your seeing Becca precisely because she values your happiness and pleasure above her own--that's how she and your relationship with your wife are wired. That's unique and precious.

 

Becca and Rob seem not similarly wired. Your time with Becca that Rob thinks is 'just sex' is more than that. Those asymmetries will lead to pain unless the details are fairly communicated and embraced by all parties. Otherwise, Rob is (emotionally) taking one for the team. Worse, he doesn't know it.

 

My read--there are two honorable options. Break it off. Honestly, gently but completely break it off--for the good of both of your marital relationships. Alternatively, talk about your feelings openly with all concerned and discuss a poly relationship. The former does not require you to disclose your reasons to Rob. Becca would be left to explain. The alternative absolutely requires a challenging four-way conversation.

 

None of the above is meant to sound harsh. Quite the contrary. You are in a difficult position and have done the ethical thing by posing the question. That earns a big measure of respect. Now you have to decide on an answer.

 

Good luck.

[ViSexual 1,008]

If you were married to Becca, would you want to swing with Rob and Angie? I'm guessing that you would. You have great chemistry with Angie too and you like Rob. And, from what you wrote, Rob and Becca love each other too.

 

I think it's just that infatuation we all have for a new lover and it will level out when you and Becca quit dwelling on it.

 

All four of you need to level with Rob and just enjoy the fact that you and Becca have something special between you. It happens! And, I agree with 'Swingergirl', there's really nothing any more wrong with loving a friend of the opposite sex than there is loving a buddy or other family member.

[JW6145 22]

Thanks all for your responses and input. I’ve had many of these same thoughts myself. Let me see it I can clear up some things for you all give this situation a little more transparency.

 

To LFM2:

What does Rob really know? He knows mine and Becca's feelings run deep. I’m certain he knows this because he and Angie have talked about it. Angie wanted to make sure Rob knew because she did not want to be put in an uncomfortable situation where she had to guard what she was saying. I did not want that for Angie either and asked Becca to inform Rob, which she did. What she has not told him is that we have used the L word with each other.

 

When we realized there was a strong physical attraction we both liked it. That’s why we didn’t stop. Don’t you enjoy having sex with people you find physically attractive? Isn’t that what swinging is about? I don’t mean to be flip, but I like having sex with attractive people.

 

Why didn’t stop after the second night? I don’t know. I guess again, because we all like each other and the sex with Becca is really good. I admit, I was/am also enjoying the emotional connection I feel with her.

 

We will not be going against Robs wishes. I respect and like the guy and I’m not about asking anyone to lie.

 

You talked about the whole truth, and I suppose she has not told him the whole truth. That her emotions run more deeply than she has told him. This is a good point and it’s something I need to ponder on.

 

It’s interesting that you think I’m disrespecting Angie and Rob here. I honestly feel that I’m communicating better with Angie now than in the past-and we’ve been pretty open throughout our whole relationship. I guess I disagree with you on that one-but maybe this point needs some more reflection from me. As far as disrespecting Rob-yes, he is not in the loop on everything. This is an issue for me and it needs addressed. Yes, I am acting like a hormonal teenager. Believe me I thought that many times throughout this whole situation. And I have had these feelings for Angie. I still do. I’m finding however that Becca is providing me with emotional support that Angie is unable or unwilling to provide me. Thanks for your input Holly.

 

To Mr and Mrs V.:

Sorry. Angie and I have been swinging for several years and this is the first time something like this has happened to us. We are talking a lot and working through it.

 

To mauijanedoe:

You said Becca and I are not a unit. You are 100% correct. This is another fact I’ve been trying to wrap my head around. One of the things I’ve told Becca is that we do not belong to each other. I belong with Angie and she belongs with Rob. Rob has no incentive to make opportunities for Becca and I to be together without he and Angie present, I understand and respect this. Don’t like it, but respect it.

 

To swingergirl:

No disrespect taken, it’s a fair question, how is my love for my wife. We have evolved into a calm, respectful partnership of keeping house and raising kids. We have both made a lifelong commitment to each other that we both intend to honor. Do we give each other butterflies in the stomach anymore? No we do not. But she is the love of my life. I miss her during the day and enjoy our intimacy during family/alone time. I can’t help but wonder if part of the attraction to Becca is the newness of the relationship and the joy of discovering that someone else finds me interesting, desiralbe and sexy.

 

To coupleerotic22:

See my last paragraph to LFM2 and swingergirl. Ultimately, Angie is my life partner but I feel I am getting different things emotionally from Angie and Becca.

 

For Fundamental Law:

Just to clear up any confusion, Rob knows there are feelings between Becca and I. He’s aware that it’s more than “just sex” between she and I. It’s just sex between Rob and Angie. You are right though, a further conversation between the four of us is probably long overdue.

 

To Visexual:

Thanks! You may be right that this is just an infatuation, I have considered this possibility. I know what my heart feels, and I know what my head thinks. I’m still trying to work out the differences between the two.

 

To all:

So here is what I think I need to do. I need to make sure Becca levels with Rob about the extent of our feelings and let the chips fall where they may. If he insists that we end it, so be it. I think the thing that has been bothering me the most is that Rob is not completely up-to-date on were Becca and I are.

 

I shall close my novella now. Thanks all for your attention to my issue. I will keep you current.

[SwingerGirl 132]

To swingergirl:

No disrespect taken, it’s a fair question, how is my love for my wife. We have evolved into a calm, respectful partnership of keeping house and raising kids. We have both made a lifelong commitment to each other that we both intend to honor. Do we give each other butterflies in the stomach anymore? No we do not. But she is the love of my life. I miss her during the day and enjoy our intimacy during family/alone time. I can’t help but wonder if part of the attraction to Becca is the newness of the relationship and the joy of discovering that someone else finds me interesting, desiralbe and sexy.

 

This is more or less the answer that I expected to get. I commend you on being able to be so open and honest about your feelings for both Angie and Becca. I also agree that a lot of the attraction to Becca is the newness, the butterflies, and the fact that you might not have felt these butterflies for a long time. You seem to be on the right track as far as this situation goes. Talk to Rob, sooner rather than later. That is the only way you will be able to determine where this is going to go.

[Desdemona1980 297]

To all:

So here is what I think I need to do. I need to make sure Becca levels with Rob about the extent of our feelings and let the chips fall where they may. If he insists that we end it, so be it. I think the thing that has been bothering me the most is that Rob is not completely up-to-date on were Becca and I are.

 

I shall close my novella now. Thanks all for your attention to my issue. I will keep you current.

 

Yes, please make sure Becca is 100% honest with her husband about what she is thinking and feeling. If both couples are not open to a poly type relationship, do you feel there is any future for you and Becca? I know your wife is letting you explore this and see where it leads. What if it leads to you being more in love and bonded to Becca than your wife, and the same is true for Becca? If your wife starts to sense she is "losing" you to Becca and she pulls the plug are willing to make the clean break from Becca?

 

I ask because I recently found myself in a somewhat similar situation (only I'm a single woman) and I'm still dealing with the fallout. It isn't pretty or easy. I broke or bent a few of my rules and it bit me in the ass.

 

I've been wanting to start a thread about it, but I've been too apprehensive. I suppose I will start it now, as to not hijack your thread.

[JW6145 22]

Yes, please make sure Becca is 100% honest with her husband about what she is thinking and feeling. If both couples are not open to a poly type relationship, do you feel there is any future for you and Becca? I know your wife is letting you explore this and see where it leads. What if it leads to you being more in love and bonded to Becca than your wife, and the same is true for Becca? If your wife starts to sense she is "losing" you to Becca and she pulls the plug are willing to make the clean break from Becca?

 

.

 

Desdemona, I don’t think I will become more Bonded to Becca than Angie, Angie is my life partner, Becca is someone I care very deeply for but I also realize she’s Rob’s, not mine. Rob is the one who is going to go to the company picnic with her, not me. I realize this, and I accept it. I think it can work-if all are on the same page with feelings and honesty. Which leads me into my update…

 

A few days have gone by and there have been developments. When Becca and I spoke last time she told me that she opened up to Rob completely and totally. She spoke to him about us without my asking her to. She said it was a big risk for her to so, as he may have demanded that we sever all ties with each other but felt that the risk was worth it. She felt terrible not being totally honest with her husband. They had a long talk and hashed out her feelings for Rob and I both- and Rob’s feelings about the whole situation.

 

The short story is that Rob is fine with her feeling this way about me. He is still sorting out whether or not he is comfortable with Becca and I spending time together outside of playtime with the four of us. The calls and texts continue between Becca and I, and the communication between Angie and I has not been this open in a long time. In fact, being this open with my wife has helped her bring up some other topics that I didn’t know were problems for her. So we are working on talking through those issues as well. So far this has been a very positive development in my marriage. I will keep you posted.

[exploringRM 305]

Oh geez I'm brand new to this and just exploring the boards and this quite possible the LAST thing I needed to read! I have been the one bringing up this lifestyle to my s/o... If i brought him to this LS for just a little extra fun and this is what the result was... ugh it just makes nauseous reading this

 

Not that its a scientific study/sample, but we know a lot of people in the l/s (no not slept with them all) and this happens infrequently. Have we seen it or heard of it happening, yeah. My wife and I discussed this situation from the start and our agreement is that if we found ourselves in this situation we would take a step back. Open communication is the key and the OP has done that as well.

[lovinher 505]

Desdemona, I don’t think I will become more Bonded to Becca than Angie, Angie is my life partner, Becca is someone I care very deeply for but I also realize she’s Rob’s, not mine. Rob is the one who is going to go to the company picnic with her, not me. I realize this, and I accept it. I think it can work-if all are on the same page with feelings and honesty. Which leads me into my update…

 

A few days have gone by and there have been developments. When Becca and I spoke last time she told me that she opened up to Rob completely and totally. She spoke to him about us without my asking her to. She said it was a big risk for her to so, as he may have demanded that we sever all ties with each other but felt that the risk was worth it. She felt terrible not being totally honest with her husband. They had a long talk and hashed out her feelings for Rob and I both- and Rob’s feelings about the whole situation.

 

The short story is that Rob is fine with her feeling this way about me. He is still sorting out whether or not he is comfortable with Becca and I spending time together outside of playtime with the four of us. The calls and texts continue between Becca and I, and the communication between Angie and I has not been this open in a long time. In fact, being this open with my wife has helped her bring up some other topics that I didn’t know were problems for her. So we are working on talking through those issues as well. So far this has been a very positive development in my marriage. I will keep you posted.

 

You didn't think you would fall in love with Becca either-but you did. Unless all four of you are OK with a poly relationship in the near future, IMO, this a train wreck waiting to happen. At the very least someone will get hurt. Keep us updated.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

To the OP this is really sounding like a path to disaster. This is not NSA swinging. Maybe someone involved in a poly can chime in and correct/confirm my thought that this isn't poly either. In my mind, in a poly relationship all parties are involved on an emotional level.

 

Here is why I believe you headed down a dangerous road. An emotional relationship means investment, physically, financially and emotionally. You are not investing in one monogamous or one poly relationship, rather two separate relationships and at some point those investments will be in conflict. At some point your resources will be stretched and who will be chosen to suffer?

 

The myriad situations that can cause you problems are too numerous to count here, but I don't think I need to compile a list. It doesn't take any imagination to come up with serious scenarios that will place you and everyone else involved in some very comprising positions. Perhaps the 4 of you are equipped to manage to walk through the minefields, but I would be surprised, shocked even, if you found the 4 people that could successfully manage that walk without something blowing up. Children compound that complexity particularly if some adult outside the 4 spouses discovers or even suspects something is not Ozzie and Harriet about your relationships.

 

If all four of you can manage such a relationship, my hats off. But it sounds very unlikely.

[km34 672]

This COULD turn into a successful, functioning poly situation where you and Becca get to have your relationship, you and Angie remain happily married, and Becca and Rob's relationship stays happy, too. One really important thing needs to happen first, though: Rob needs to know everything. In a situation like this, omission is as bad as lying (in my world, an omission IS lying but most people don't think that way). How do you think Rob would feel if in a month or two he finds out that you and Becca have been "in love" for months and that Becca can't picture her life without you in it (at least for the time being) when he thought it was all just swinging? Sure, swinging with a little more longevity and passion, but still swinging.

 

Right now you are headed for drama and potential heartbreak. Like others have said Rob can't make an informed decision unless he knows all the facts.

 

On the other hand, my one experience with falling in love with a playmate was awful. She and I were NOT in the same place in a few key things, and it ended up with a few months of me feeling awful about my choice to even pursue it. Our husbands were super supportive, I was ready to throw myself into seeing where it would lead, she wanted to remain in the closet entirely (even my sister who saw us all the time and knew the four of us were swinging together wasn't allowed to know for a fact that we were actually dating and not just sleeping together). It just ended in a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings on all sides, and by all I mean each of the four of us (me, my husband, her, and her husband) was hurt when it ended. Poly situations are a lot more complex because the people actually forming the new relationship aren't the only ones involved.

 

Make sure you have thought this through and are sure you want to pursue it, is the moral of my story. How do you see this relationship enhancing your life in the future? How long do you see it lasting? Are you and Becca going to be satisfied just getting to be together with your spouses around or do you need alone time? If you form a more solid relationship, are you going to want to come out to anyone? If not, will one of you feel neglected because you have to hide the depth of your relationship around others? What about your kids?

 

It's not necessarily a disaster waiting to happen. It could turn into something wonderful. Just make sure you've thought it through, get everyone on the same page, and keep communicating. Relationships are hard work and the more people you add to the mix makes the work increase exponentially. Be prepared!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There is a lot going on here....

 

First the Newness. As SwingerGirl and others have said. Often we feel twinges of things for someone because the situation is new and exciting. The sex was awesome and you couldn't stop thinking about wanting more of it so you broke your own rule in the first place by contacting her and giving her your # and beginning communication outside of the sex. It was at that point that you knew something was different and that was you first chance to put a stop to things and back-up and really think about what was going on.

 

Then you started talking with her outside of sex and you realized you had so much in common and you really connected on an intellectual and emotional level that you've felt like you were missing with your wife. THIS is the biggest for me. I've long held that cheating has nothing to do with sex (I'm not saying you are cheating, just hear me out), cheating whether emotional or sexual is about something missing at home. In this case you have been missing a certain connection with your wife. You didn't say what but it sounds like there have been some issues you've been dealing with on your own (probably work related) that you just haven't felt like you could really share with your wife because she wouldn't "get it" since she's not there. However, Becca works in the same industry and understands better what you deal with on a day to day basis so you feel like you can share some of this with her. It's made you feel better about whatever that situation is and in the process has bonded you with her on a level that you haven't bonded with your wife.

 

The upside of this situation is that you may not have to cheat because your wife (wonderful woman that she is) has given you the opportunity to see what will happen. Where I am seeing #2 is with your obvious unhappiness about not being able to see Becca outside of your foursome, and I'm sensing resentment towards Rob for not wanting to allow it. Rob has many reasons not to allow it and not a single reason to allow it. Not the least of which is that his wife hasn't been nearly as upfront and honest with him as you've been with your wife. Keep in mind that while you have a handle on your own relationship and you know that your communication is awesome and even better because of all of this, that may not be the case with them. There may be underlying issues within their relationship and this connection to you may be a symptom of those as much as a real connection. At this point, I'd agree with Rob that the best thing for everyone is for you two ONLY to see each other within the confines of your foursome (at least for now). Time will show one of 3 things happen.... 1. The newness will wear off and things will cool between you and Becca. 2. This will develop into a comfortable little poly situation. 3. One or both of your relationships will break up as a result of this (not necessarily because of this... but because of whatever this might show to be a symptom of).

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Desdemona, I don’t think I will become more Bonded to Becca than Angie, Angie is my life partner, Becca is someone I care very deeply for but I also realize she’s Rob’s, not mine. Rob is the one who is going to go to the company picnic with her, not me. I realize this, and I accept it. I think it can work-if all are on the same page with feelings and honesty. Which leads me into my update…

 

A few days have gone by and there have been developments. When Becca and I spoke last time she told me that she opened up to Rob completely and totally. She spoke to him about us without my asking her to. She said it was a big risk for her to so, as he may have demanded that we sever all ties with each other but felt that the risk was worth it. She felt terrible not being totally honest with her husband. They had a long talk and hashed out her feelings for Rob and I both- and Rob’s feelings about the whole situation.

 

The short story is that Rob is fine with her feeling this way about me. He is still sorting out whether or not he is comfortable with Becca and I spending time together outside of playtime with the four of us. The calls and texts continue between Becca and I, and the communication between Angie and I has not been this open in a long time. In fact, being this open with my wife has helped her bring up some other topics that I didn’t know were problems for her. So we are working on talking through those issues as well. So far this has been a very positive development in my marriage. I will keep you posted.

 

Thanks for updating. I hope things continue to movein a positive direction for the 4 of you.

[JW6145 22]

I have further updates for those who would like to read about them. But first I want to respond to some things Julie and others have raised.

 

Julie, thanks for your input. I’m not sure if you didn’t get around to reading the post I wrote on March 6 but you posted your response after that-so let me clarify. Becca has come completely clean with Rob about our feelings. They have had some long talks about it-and continue to talk about it. Again, as of about 10 days ago everything is out in the open between the four of us. There are no secrets.

 

Angie and I have been doing a lot of reading on open marriage, which is, I think, where we are headed. During our readings we’ve come to the realization that asking one person to meet all of our emotional needs places an undue burden on that person. Think about it, we all have friends we rely on for emotional support. I have one particularly close male friend that I tell anything and everything to. He is meeting certain emotional needs of mine that Angie cannot. Angie has girlfriends that she can talk to about things that she feels she can’t talk to me about. She gets certain emotional needs met by them. Again, Angie is my life partner. We will always be together. We depend on each other for comfort, stability and companionship. We are an excellent parental team. But we have realized that we are not meant to be the end all and be all for each other. We are both okay with each of us seeking loving relationships outside of our marriage.

 

As far as mine and Rob’s relationship, I honestly don’t have any hard feelings towards him. He is a great guy and he has been supportive of Becca’s and my feelings. I feel no resentment towards him. He is still trying to wrap his head around the whole situation and Becca and I are giving him the space he needs.

 

Now, Angie and I got back a few hours ago from spending the night with Rob and Becca. We met up early in the evening; had some playtime and then the four of us went to dinner. After dinner we all piled into their bed and put on an episode of Lisa Ling’s “Our America.” The episode dealt with polyamory. Admittedly, it’s not quite what we’re dealing with here-as I think we are in an open kind of situation. But there we were, laying four across the bed, me-Becca-Angie-Rob, cuddling and watching this show that dealt, kind of, with our situation. Later, Becca and I remarked that it felt very natural to be doing this. She didn’t sense any uncomfortableness from Rob, and Angie told me that she felt very relaxed as well.

 

After the show Rob was quiet for a little bit before turning to Angie and kissing her. Eventually we had a short discussion about Rob’s comfort level about Becca and me. He said that he was doing fine but still needed more time. He’s going to get all the time he needs. Becca has been upfront with him about how she and I would like to spend time alone together. He has told her that he would like to get there for her, and for me, but he’s not there yet. This is fine.

 

Honestly, this is not the train wreck that I (and many of you) suspected it could be. I did disregard my better judgment by giving Becca my phone number-but, so far it has turned out to be a positive relationship. I submit that things are still in the very early stages for all of us and it is best to proceed with caution. I have also discussed with Angie and Becca that I am proceeding with Angela’s permission and that it is our understanding that Angie can withdraw her permission at any time. So, for now we continue on…

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Thanks so much for the updates. I hope things continue to go well.

[km34 672]

How do you differentiate between poly and an open relationship? In my mind, poly is having loving, committed relationships with multiple people (or being open to it). An open relationship is having multiple loving or sexual relationships (or being open to it) without the commitment part. So, the longevity is the key difference in my mind (poly planning for long term whether it happens or not - like monogamy, the goal is forever until it isn't anymore lol - while open is more fluid and avoids the real strings), but everyone has their own definitions so if you wouldn't mind sharing yours...

[JW6145 22]

I don’t really want to get into a discussion of open vs. poly so here is what my understanding is on the subject. A poly situation between the four of us would be if Angie and Rob also had feelings for each other and we developed into something of a 4-way relationship. Rob and Angie have sex-and she says it’s pretty great sex-and they share a friendship. But it goes no farther than that between them. Since Angie is open and even encouraging me to explore my feelings with Becca the relationship between my wife and I is open. I may be in a poly type relationship with Becca, but I am not with Angie-I am in an open relationship with my wife. That’s really all I have to say about the semantics of the situation.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I don’t really want to get into a discussion of open vs. poly so here is what my understanding is on the subject. A poly situation between the four of us would be if Angie and Rob also had feelings for each other and we developed into something of a 4-way relationship. Rob and Angie have sex-and she says it’s pretty great sex-and they share a friendship. But it goes no farther than that between them. Since Angie is open and even encouraging me to explore my feelings with Becca the relationship between my wife and I is open. I may be in a poly type relationship with Becca, but I am not with Angie-I am in an open relationship with my wife. That’s really all I have to say about the semantics of the situation.

 

My opinion about poly is the same as km34...from my perspective, all of you are in a poly-situation only you and Becca are the "hinges" while Angie and Rob are the arms, so to speak. They don't have to be in love with each other to be in a poly-situation. If you two weren't poly and having multiple loves, then Angie and Rob could go their separate ways. However, when you use the term open in relation to your wife, it confuses me a bit because the term open relationship/marriage gives off this vibe of not being in love with each other for me. But I'm sure you didn't mean it that way.

[km34 672]

My opinion about poly is the same as km34...from my perspective, all of you are in a poly-situation only you and Becca are the "hinges" while Angie and Rob are the arms, so to speak. They don't have to be in love with each other to be in a poly-situation. If you two weren't poly and having multiple loves, then Angie and Rob could go their separate ways. However, when you use the term open in relation to your wife, it confuses me a bit because the term open relationship/marriage gives off this vibe of not being in love with each other for me. But I'm sure you didn't mean it that way.

 

This is why I wanted his definitions I'll try to refrain from further hijacking your thread, JW!

[Swing*8701 887]

if you keep everything transparent, you may do fine. Anything less is nuclear fuel for the bomb. Love induces irrational behavior.

[MeganWink 15]

I personally don't think there is anything "wrong" with being in love with two people at the same time. Although, I'm not sure if that is the case. I don't want to be disrespectful by asking this, but how is your love for your wife? I know you mentioned that you won't leave her, but that doesn't always amount to love. Again, no disrespect, I just want to make sure I understand

 

My advice would be to stop all one on one communication with Becca until everyone is on the same page. Rob has a right to know exactly how deep this goes. Without that, there will just be more drama than anyone wants to deal with. I can't tell you what you guys should do after that. That is up to how everyone feels about the situation.

 

Speaking to the topic and not your specific situation, I would have to say that this is something that every person- swinger or not- could potentially encounter. I personally do not believe that anyone should ever consider themselves or their partner "safe" from falling in love with someone else. One true love for every person? No, I don't believe it. No, I'm not polyamorous (yet?), I am just simply trying to convey that I do not think this a "swinger issue". I don't think being a swinger puts you at any more "risk" of falling in love with multiple people than being vanilla does.

 

I totally agree!!! Although honesty is wanted/needed, you are human and don't be too hard on yourself - speaking from experience!

 

Sorry answered too soon...I am happy for you that things seem to be headed in a direction that allows you to still feel able to have love for Becca. How horrible if that were not the case...your spouses are wonderful and I wish you all the very best!!!

[JW6145 22]

So it has been a month and I wanted to fill those who are still interested in on where we are. Honestly, things just keep getting better between the four of us.

 

Becca, Rob, Angie and I have all met up several times over the last 4 weeks or so. Sometimes for playtime, sometimes for vanilla fun. They invited us to a party at their house a few weeks back that was strictly for vanilla folks. We felt very fortunate that we were invited. We took our kids and we all spent the night. The adults kept things strictly vanilla-none of us want to expose our kids to any of this. Though I admit it was very difficult to keep things non-sexual after the kiddos were in bed. We survived though.

 

Rob is still considering letting Becca and I meet up outside of our foursome. He did allow Becca and I to run out for a few things together during their party. He also suggested that Becca and I spend some time together while Angie and he take part in a vanilla group activity that they both enjoy later this summer. It would just be for a few hours-but it’s a big step for all of us. I really like Rob-he is a good man. Becca picked him so I figure he has to be a good guy.

 

Angie is wonderful. She has been rock solid throughout this whole escapade. There have been times when I’ve been down about not getting to see Becca enough- those times Angie has given me the kick in the pants I need to see that I have a pretty great thing going here and I need to be more in the moment and enjoy it. We are still communicating really well. She is getting better at telling me her needs and I have become more responsive to her needs.

 

Becca and I continue to grow closer through phone calls and texts. We keep the calls to times when we are not taking time away from our families. So that means we talk during the day. We are both so grateful that Angie and Rob feel ok with the talks and texting. We’re also grateful that they really have a good time together and share a friendship. It makes things so much easier for us.

 

I have been working towards putting this relationship in a good and proper place. I had been struggling with feelings of loneliness and loss-in that I did not get to see Becca as much as I wanted. But lately, as I’ve come to realize that this relationship might actually work out I’ve been feeling much happier and more secure.

The big thing I’ve come to realize is that we all must be open and communicate really well with each other. I have so many of you here on the board to thank for helping me along and doing the right thing. I can continue to update you for those who still have any interest.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Congrats on using good communication to make things work. Keep at it. I'm glad to hear that things seem to be working out in a positive way for everyone and that you are accepting the limits as they come.

[Chicup 41]

I'm not offering congrats until I know good old Rob is in on this loop.

 

I've at times encouraged my wife to do some activities with swinger friends without me, and I don't mind if they keep in touch, but I'm also not thinking she is having an emotional affair either.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Good luck and please do give us updates.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Thank you for keeping us updated!

[nllswing 81]

Good luck with your relationships, JW6145

If all four of you handle the situation tight, Becca and you can have wonderful "us" time, while you still remain happily married.

 

I saw this trend late and most of what could have been said is already said. One thing you may want to look up is "NRE" or New Relationship Energy. It is that wonderful feeling that we, humans, have when we get involved with a new partner. It is like a phase that eventually passes. Sometimes become too carried away and forget to use their best judgment. Just be aware of the NRE and think twice before you "cut" anything.

[EnjoyingLife 127]

I just wanted to wish you all the best. I'm impressed with how honest you have all been and how open your communication has been. I'm in a similar but also slightly different relationship. We started out 2 years ago with the intention of swinging but "fell for" each other (all 4 of us) and are now in a 4-way relationship that can only be described as poly (I don't really care for labels though). The NRE was really intense for a time. Really intense! But once that started to fade, what was left was something real and lasting. My life is richer for it and I wouldn't change anything. If anything, I only love my husband more and now I have two more people in my life to love. Life is good :0) Keep communicating! It can work. Keep us updated.

[Cdnsexytech 33]

I have read your post and haven't read any of the replies but I am going to give you my honest response because that's what you've asked for. Take it or leave, that's up to you.

 

Love is a choice. It is not a feeling. What you are experiencing with becca is exciting, and fun, and likely something you haven't felt in a long time. It's nerves tangled up with newness and that is called LUST.

 

About 6 years ago, I became very close to a male neighbor of ours. I wasn't open with my husband about the fact that I felt this way, or that our neighbor kissed me one night. I actually hid it from him because I was terrified he would leave me. After weeks of this, my husband confronted me about it. We had a major blow out and almost lost our marriage. It wasn't the lust, it was the lies and deceit that upset him. While you have been 100% open and honest with Angie about your feelings, and this part of my story doesn't apply to your situation... I did share this story with you for a reason.

 

I wasn't in love with my neighbor. I was high on LUST, and blinded by the feelings that came along with that. I confused arousal with attraction. And I believe that's what you are doing here.

 

Love is something real, and pure and beyond anything you could EVER feel after having sex with someone twice. It is born out if history, and trust, and being at your worst and knowing they love you anyway. It's about telling someone things you've never told anyone else. It takes time, and work, and ups and downs and growth - both personal and individual - to reach true love.

 

I will not say that it isn't possible that you and Becca are meant to be together. That's not my place. However, I will caution you about your next moves, and to put your rational brain ahead of your lusty heart. What happens when that initial lust wears off, and you realize that what you are left with is less than what you hoped for? When the rush dies down and the newness fades...

 

Love is a choice. Not a feeling. Be careful confusing the two. I wish all four of you the best of luck.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Love is a choice. Not a feeling. Be careful confusing the two.

 

Maybe I'm inexperienced or naive but I have to respectfully disagree. I know that some people say that they can control when they fall in love with someone--which is an alien concept to me because I'm not sure if it's true control or a barrier that they have constructed to restrict others from getting too close to them, for whatever reason--but I'm not one of them. I actually submit to a quote that I heard many, many, many years ago: It's easy to fall in and out of love, but it takes work to stay in love. And that has been true for me. I care for people easily (I don't mean out right love but a sort of interest and concern for their well-being) and if my casual affections are reciprocated, then it deepens gradually with every give and take. The way that I see "staying in love" is what you said here:

 

It takes time, and work, and ups and downs and growth - both personal and individual....

 

In my opinion, one of the reasons why so many relationships fail is that it is easy to fall in and out of love...but they aren't willing to do the work to stay in love. The tribulations are great and everyone wants to party and feel good. But when the trials come, it tests the strength of the individuals and the relationship. There's a lot of ways to cope with hardships but it all boils down to whether they are going to fight for the relationship or end up in flight. There's always going to be a newness and lust factor at the beginning of a relationship. But isn't one of the first tests to a relationship when those feelings diminish and they are left at the crossroads of "should we fight to stay in love" or walk away?

[JW6145 22]

So I wanted to update those of you who are at all curious about how things are going for the 4 of us. Firstly, we are all still together. Angie and I, Rob and Becca and Becca and I.

 

We have all done a lot of talking over the last several months. Rob has come to realize that I am going to be around for a while. At first he figured that this was a fling between Angie and I and that it would burn out. He has accepted (if not embraced) the fact that Becca and I are going to be in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future.

Becca and I have started to spend limited amounts of time together outside of our foursome. We have also been intimate during these times, with our spouses’ permission and knowledge. Becca had a minor health issue several weeks ago and I was able to visit her and help out with some things around the house and help with her care. It was very nice that Rob trusted me enough to do that for them.

 

Angie is as supportive as ever. She sees how happy Becca makes me and is enjoying some freedoms we have agreed on.

 

Life is good for us. It’s still tricky navigating LS issues, like what to do when we are at the same party but not “together.” But we are working through and enjoying the ride.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm very glad this is working out for you. I hope you continue to update your thread periodically, too, and the news continues to be good.

[10thBadger 25]

On 3/2/2013 at 8:19 PM, JW6145 said:

I’ve been lurking a while and read a ton here the boards. Now I’ve gotten myself into a situation that is not talked about very much on here. I’ve fallen in love with a playmate. I really didn’t mean for it to happen, and from what she tells me she didn’t mean for it to happen either. Let me start by saying I’ve been completely open and 100% honest with my wife, and my playmate Becca tells me that she has been mostly open with her husband. We’ll get to that in a bit.

 

Becca and I met at a club, just a few months ago. From the first I thought she was attractive, I mean let’s face it, we’re here to fuck attractive people, right? My wife, Angie, and I went to the club that night to have some fun. We’re experienced swingers-we don’t play alot, swinging does not rule our lives- but we’ve had our share of fun. The night I met Becca was no different; we hoped to meet some fun people, have some good to great sex, and maybe make some friends we could hang out with on a regular basis.

 

Becca and I both realized pretty quickly that there is a strong physical attraction between the two of us. The sex is effortless and I’ve never fit together with anyone better. After that first night of being together, my wife Angie and Becca’s husband Rob exchanged numbers. Becca asked for my number but I declined, telling her she could just text Angie if she wanted. I don’t normally like to have communication with the women I play with outside of swinging situations. I was not able to get Becca out of my head for the next several days- which is unusual for me. I threw caution to the wind sent her my number via SLS. She texted me a few hours later. Over the next several days we exchanged texts and even spoke on the phone a few times. All with Angie’s knowledge.

 

We all four got together again a few weeks later-and it was even better than the first time. It was that night that I recognized that I had developed emotional feelings for Becca, and I was pretty sure that she had developed similar feelings for me.

 

A few days after we were all together the second time I told my wife about my feelings for Becca. I told her I didn’t know if I was getting our sexual chemistry mixed up with emotion but I thought that could be the case. To my surprise Angie did not freak out. She told me she suspected something was up-given the amount of communication between Becca and I. I took a few weeks to sort out my feelings and spent many more hours talking to both Angie and Becca. I realized that I was probably in love with Becca. And I told them both so. Becca told me she feels the same way. This is not the “oh, I’ve just fucked someone new, I hope they like me best” kind of feeling. We’ve both been with other people since we met and it has not cooled our emotions. This is raw, real and deep.

 

When I told Angie all of this she gave me license to pursue a relationship with Becca and follow it wherever it may lead. I did not ask for this, Angie offered it to me. Angie is secure about our commitment to each other-I am not leaving my wife and Becca and Angie both know that. Becca also has no intention of leaving her husband.

 

Becca has talked with her husband Rob about us and the feelings we’ve developed for each other. What she has not told him is that she thinks loves me, she does not know how he would react to that (here is the mostly open part that I alluded to in the first paragraph). She has told him our feelings are deep but has not gone into how much we care for each other. Rob is completely comfortable with texts and calls throughout the day, but not with Becca and I meeting without him and Angie there-even for lunch or dinner. I completely understand and respect this. I don’t like it, but I respect it. I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot I would feel the same way. I really genuinely like Rob by the way, he treats both Becca and Angie really well-and he and Angie have really great sex together. Angie has told Rob that it’s just sex between the two of them and Rob feels the same way. They have no other feelings for each other past that.

 

Becca and I text every day and talk several times a week; I know about her life and children, and she knows about mine. We have similar interests and lives outside of swinging, we are in similar businesses. We have become emotional rocks for each other. I get emotional needs met from her that I do not get from Angie. Again, I have been upfront with Angie about all this and she is fine with it.

 

So here are my big questions: Do these things really ever work, or are we on the express train to Dramaville?

 

Is it possible to keep something like this going long term?

 

How do we navigate the fact that Rob is not comfortable with Becca and I meeting without him around (again, we will not be going against his wishes on this one) and knowing that he and Angie will want to have more variety in their swinging soon, which will leave less opportunity for Becca and I to be together?

 

Any thoughts from the wise sages on here are welcome. I’m a big boy-if I’ve being naïve about anything please tell me. I can take it.

All three of you are OK with keeping Rob in the dark and you catching feelings for his wife. He should line all three of you up in a row and sucker punch you. Because you’re making him out to be a clown and a one-man circus. That is not cool what you were doing and I’m sure when and if he finds out, he’s going to have a misunderstanding with you without having a conversation if you know what I mean

[lcmim 1,081]

Badger, read and understand the entire thread.

[Thegreyarea 100]

I’m sure this was resolved…8 years ago. 

[Juan234 18]

Badger’s response is so badger, with a long reply quote, nit having read the thread, and many years after the last post.  But that is nit why I am here.  I was hoping for an original poster update.  I know it is highly unlikely.  Nevertheless, this was a great thread and it was nice of him to post updates once in a while.  

 

Thanks.