Poly, Swinging, and the Intersection Between the Two

[sunbuckus 3,567]

This is from my own personal journal. I have been trying for a long time to try and get my thoughts about poly and swinging together but it's really still a jumbled mess. But I was really inspired to write about it from something I read today. I apologize ahead of time if any of this offends anyone. That wasn't my intent. It's just my own opinion and view about how these two intertwine in the LS community and our inner human nature. So, without further ado....

 

 

This has been on my mind for about a year and a half but I didn't quite know how to put it into words nor did I feel that I knew enough about the subject to write about. I still don't have that experience but I read something that got me thinking about it again so I figured I'd try to write about it...or at least get my ideas out.

 

Swinging and Poly.

 

It's like a big Venn diagram. Two circles that intersect in the middle. On one side is swinging and on the other side is poly. Some people who swing aren't poly. Some people who are poly don't swing (also, I guess that can be debatable about whether poly is a small subset of swinging). And some people are poly and swing.

 

From what I've read on the forum, most swingers are NSA swingers. Some might venture to making swinger friends and play within a certain group. But if you mention poly, love, feelings...there seems to be an all out fear, rejection, distaste of even considering that kind of thing in the LS. And on the side of poly, I haven't really talked to, read the poly forums, but it sounds like something similar can also be said about them as well, in regards to swinging. They are more than willing to love and have feelings for multiple people but if you bring up the idea of NSA sex, they can also have the reaction of disgust and revilement.

 

From my point of view...I don't get the fear and disgust. NSA sex is fun and different from time to time. I haven't really met one person yet who has "wowed" me on the first NSA swapping that we've done. So, if we happen to have the free time to go out a lot and get the lucky draw of the straw and swap a lot in the span of a few weeks, it's fun but it does get a little tiresome because it's not emotionally fulfilling. It's just different. However, I have had the pleasure of having sex with someone else other than Mr. Sun that I had feelings for and it was more than just fun. I wouldn't say it was fulfilling but it was a lot more enjoyable emotionally.

 

But in terms of love and feelings, that's what I'm not sure I understand the "fear" I get from the forum. For me, swinging meant overcoming my jealous-insecurity-possessiveness of Mr. Sun. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid that if I "shared" him, that he would be whisked away. I was afraid that he wouldn't find me attractive anymore. I felt that he was mine. But this is counter-intuitive to our society of individualism. We don't own anyone. We choose to be with someone. It wasn't until I read someone say on the forum, "If they leave you, then why would you want to keep them? Why would you want to keep someone around that no longer wants you?" From that time on, I have tried to remember that. I want Mr. Sun to want to be with me because he wants to...not because he feels that he should. If he finds something better or is more happier, then why wouldn't I want him to go for that if I still loved him? If I keep him from that happiness, then he would feel resentment and anger and that doesn't help anyone or the relationship. If he found a new love but still loved me and wanted to maintain both, why would I want to keep him from bestowing more love onto another human being and receiving more love as well?

 

There's this argument about how people "fall in love" with someone else because something else is missing in their first relationship and they need to fix that first. While I can understand the concern (perhaps the first relationship does need more help in communication/whatever) what if it truly is a case of "something missing" that the spouse can't provide? Maybe one spouse has a certain interest that the other doesn't care for. Maybe both have very different sexual capabilities and desires. If the husband likes football games but the wife couldn't care less about them, maybe he would be missing that part of having someone else be truly interested in football games. Maybe the husband likes anal play but the wife doesn't engage in it, after trying it for years she's still not interested, maybe that part is something that is missing.

 

People like to use the food analogy with non-monogamy. You have your favorite dish (maybe it's lasagna). You love it so much you have it every night. Well...eventually, you do get a bit tired of it. It's still good and yummy but your taste palate wants to try something different every so often. So, maybe one night you'll have meat loaf or another night it's salmon on a cedar plank. But you go back to lasagna. That's like swinging, right?

 

Well, you also can't get all of your nutrients from lasagna alone. Maybe lasagna paired with salad will be more of a balanced meal. So then now your body's needs is more complete with lasagna and salad every night. That's like poly. One person can't fulfill all of your physical, emotional, and sexual needs.

 

With all of that said, I do believe that it's easy to fall in love. Staying in love is the hard part and takes work. And I understand that poly takes a lot of work between everyone involved, even if the two other spouses don't have feelings for each other (I believe this poly situation is a hinge). I guess I just don't understand the general fear of having feelings, love, and poly on the forum. In my mind, swingers are open enough with each other so share this "intimate" act with others. Yet, some aren't able or willing to open up more and share their hearts as well.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

This is remarkably insightful -- a thorough analysis and an accurate assessment. You had my head nodding up and down in affirmation right up to nearly the end. The only part that I would challenge is the part about my feeling too afraid to keep my heart open to love. Just for me, I believe I have a good reason to reserve my love for only one person. But if another person entered my life, I hope I would handle myself well.

[D&D 362]

@ sun: Lots of thoughts here, but I wonder if there is too much emphasis put on the divide between the Swinger and Poly crowd. From my own experiences over the last couple of months I tend to think that the extremes of both groups tend to be the noisiest, with the vast majority of both groups somewhere in between. Look on this board and you will see most posters saying something to the effect of they only play with people they have Chemistry with, and I would also add that a huge number prefer to play with a group of friends, some of whom become long term FWB, trending to a small exclusive group. There are a couple of long time posters who have complained vociferously about the "new wave swingers" who seem to want to develop relationships with their swing partners rather than just have NSA sex with whomever suits their fancy. On the flip side its been my experience that most Polyamourous individuals I've met also enjoy just getting it on occasionally. Poly recognizes that there is a difference between sex and love just as do the swingers.

 

I like what you have to say about getting something from another person that you aren't getting from your SO. Even the swingers are getting something from their swing activity that they aren't getting from their SO! Whether it sex with a new person, a different kind of sex that their SO doesn't like, or just new experiences; its getting something that is both physical and emotional that their SO isn't giving to them. I think this fear of recognizing and admitting that they are getting something that is missing is misplaced fear of replacement. Enjoying sex with someone other than your SO is getting something they cant give you! Most jealousy that arises from this situation is not rooted the sex part but the fear that they will be replaced in some way. Speaking generally the Poly crowd says that fulfilling an emotional need is not an act of replacement any more than having sex with someone else is. I read a poem somewhere that described this wonderfully but I cant remember it or the author so I will just paraphrase. I love the ocean, wind, and mountains for different reasons... none of them replace the other nor fulfill what each gives to me.

 

I don't think that Poly is the logical progression from traditional swinging. You might say its not for all swingers, just like swinging is not for everybody. Some of us are monogamous emotionally and physically. Some are monogamous physically, but have deep emotional commitments to others beyond our SO. Some are monogamous emotionally, but not physically(traditional swinger). Poly at its most basic level is the recognition that non-monogamy can be both physical and emotional.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

This is remarkably insightful -- a thorough analysis and an accurate assessment. You had my head nodding up and down in affirmation right up to nearly the end. The only part that I would challenge is the part about my feeling too afraid to keep my heart open to love. Just for me, I believe I have a good reason to reserve my love for only one person. But if another person entered my life, I hope I would handle myself well.

 

SW_PA, thank you for the kind words. The day that I wrote this, it just seemed to be a cumulation of so much "No! Never! Awful!" I know that there are a lot of different reasons why people have that reaction to poly but some of it seemed like it stemmed from the basic feeling of fear. And it doesn't just have to be a fear of opening our hearts to love, but also a fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of getting hurt, fear of being replaced, fear of not having enough time for everyone, fear of too much work, etc.

 

@ sun: Lots of thoughts here, but I wonder if there is too much emphasis put on the divide between the Swinger and Poly crowd. From my own experiences over the last couple of months I tend to think that the extremes of both groups tend to be the noisiest, with the vast majority of both groups somewhere in between. Look on this board and you will see most posters saying something to the effect of they only play with people they have Chemistry with, and I would also add that a huge number prefer to play with a group of friends, some of whom become long term FWB, trending to a small exclusive group. There are a couple of long time posters who have complained vociferously about the "new wave swingers" who seem to want to develop relationships with their swing partners rather than just have NSA sex with whomever suits their fancy. On the flip side its been my experience that most Polyamourous individuals I've met also enjoy just getting it on occasionally. Poly recognizes that there is a difference between sex and love just as do the swingers.

 

I like what you have to say about getting something from another person that you aren't getting from your SO. Even the swingers are getting something from their swing activity that they aren't getting from their SO! Whether it sex with a new person, a different kind of sex that their SO doesn't like, or just new experiences; its getting something that is both physical and emotional that their SO isn't giving to them. I think this fear of recognizing and admitting that they are getting something that is missing is misplaced fear of replacement. Enjoying sex with someone other than your SO is getting something they cant give you! Most jealousy that arises from this situation is not rooted the sex part but the fear that they will be replaced in some way. Speaking generally the Poly crowd says that fulfilling an emotional need is not an act of replacement any more than having sex with someone else is. I read a poem somewhere that described this wonderfully but I cant remember it or the author so I will just paraphrase. I love the ocean, wind, and mountains for different reasons... none of them replace the other nor fulfill what each gives to me.

 

I don't think that Poly is the logical progression from traditional swinging. You might say its not for all swingers, just like swinging is not for everybody. Some of us are monogamous emotionally and physically. Some are monogamous physically, but have deep emotional commitments to others beyond our SO. Some are monogamous emotionally, but not physically(traditional swinger). Poly at its most basic level is the recognition that non-monogamy can be both physical and emotional.

 

D&D, my post didn't include all of my thoughts about poly and swinging, just a slice. As I prefaced my posting, it's all still jumbled and not everything was addressed...especially since I don't have first-hand experience in poly. I could only go on what I have heard/read about in my limited time at the poly forum. My post was mostly writing in response to something I read and I just couldn't take it anymore! lol I only put the divide of poly and swing as a Venn diagram from how it seems with some responses I've seen. For them, it seems like a yes or no. You view it more as a spectrum, which I can see but I'll go one more than you and see it as everyone being in their own box. They are in the limits of what is comfortable with them in that box. When they peek out and start having experiences outside of their box and comforts, they are no longer in their old box but a new bigger box...but still in a smaller box than the bigger box of what everyone is capable of. Sort of how every one of us uses a certain percentage of our brain. We're all capable of so much more (and imagine what we could accomplish if we reached our full potential!) but we have physical, emotional, and genetic limitations that keep us from doing all that our brain is capable of. I have that view about swinging and poly. We constrain our minds, emotions, and hearts...purposely or by other outside pressures. Here is where I will probably make everyone on the forum run and hide and disown me and shoo me away...but I do think everyone is capable of swinging and poly (I said capable...not should because obviously, there has to be a growth of maturity and realization that one has to accomplish before hand--like having to learn how to add and subtract before moving to multiplication). I think our basic human nature is to be non-monogamous and to also be free and open with our love for each other, friendship and romantically. However, our environments; societal norms, rules, mores; intellectual limitations; learned behaviors and thoughts; and etc. prevent us from reaching our full potential of what we're capable of in terms of human relationships. I can even go further "out there" and speculate about how limiting we are in the way we experience and show love...but I'm sure I've completely alienated everyone by now!

 

So, yes, throughout the rest of the forum, I have and will say that swinging isn't for everyone but only because of the reason that they are in their own individual box. That is what they are comfortable with and currently capable of. Maybe they will grow beyond that box and be able to swing and/or poly. Maybe they won't but that's because of the limitations that they, society, or other places on them. And that's okay. I'm not saying it is bad or good that people swing and/or poly...or more. For me, I see it as a genuine sadness that all of us (including myself) don't see, can't see, or aren't able to reach what each of us is absolutely capable of.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I may have to come back to this, because my thoughts are a bit onion-like on this subject. It's one that Mr. Doe and I have discussed on numerous occasions and are taking another turn with at the moment, as an intellectual exploration.

 

If I had ten children, I wouldn't love the tenth any less than the first. I have friends about whom I am passionate enough that I'd walk through fire and flood for them, and I still have room in my life for at least one more person about whom I could feel the same. But when I think about falling in love with someone in addition to M., even the thought makes me tired. I think that for me, an in-love partnership is a singular event, something that requires only one center. It's as if this is the one relationship where resource management is limited to a finite source. I do think the limitation is inherent - a function of my personality - rather than learned behavior, though, because I have happily been in multiple relationships of varying intensities at times when I wasn't in love with one person.

 

M. has more emotional bandwidth than I do, at least in theory, and over time we've come to understand that in some circumstances I'd be okay with his having an additional relationship and in others I would not. At the moment, we've settled it that I'm just more comfortable sharing feelings with some women than I am with others.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

If I had ten children, I wouldn't love the tenth any less than the first.

 

This is how I see it as well when you have more than one child or have multiple loves in your life. There isn't a "I love one more than the other" but a different love for each one because they are all different. You love one because of *these reasons* and you love this other person because of *these other different reasons*. I never understood how you could love people differently until I had more than one child. I had assumed that you would love them all the same. But you love them differently because everyone is unique. I know I'm biased but I happen to think all of our children are sweet but they are sweet in different ways. I love how our oldest sometimes acts like a mommy to the other two younger ones, helping them and yes...scolding them. She's so much like me that I can pretty much guess how she feels about situations but it can also be frustrating in knowing that her faults are the same as mine and come from me. Our middle child is the cuddliest of all our children and will plant a nice kiss on my cheek out of the blue. And I love how he is just like Mr. Sun in his ability to recognize the minutest details on all of his Hot Wheel cars. And our youngest is the loudest and most silliest of all our children (just yesterday, I got a video of her singing about passing gas...she'll love that when she's older) and warms up to other people the fastest out of all of them. I love Mr. Sun because he is my solid ground, his calm demeanor has helped to quell my temper, he tells the oddest jokes and is so very inappropriate at times but it makes me laugh because I have the kind of humor that is aligned with his, his acceptance of everyone helps me to continue to strive for the same in myself when I find myself not being as accepting...you get the point.

 

But when I think about falling in love with someone in addition to M., even the thought makes me tired.

 

I can understand that reason because there's only so much time in everyday. Here's where I'm going to be weird/geeky/nerdy...but just think about how we might one day be able to bend time or somehow extend/stretch/slow/stop time so that we would have more time? More time to explore different interests, different hobbies, different loves--like I said, we're capable but we haven't reached our potential. 100 years ago, would they have fathomed that people could congregate in a virtual space to share thoughts and ideas? Who is to say what we'll be able to do in another 100 years? Be able to live dual lives? Multiple lives in our mind simultaneously? Maybe in 300 years, we could explore different universes or observe the different loves we have in each universe and converse with ourselves in those universes?

 

lol, I guess I'm going way out there but perhaps there's an intertwine of our ability to love more than one person with what ever future abilities our minds will be able to reach (and produce) in the future.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I have wondered, too, about the fine line between swinging, poly, and FWB. I'm the type of person who prefers sex with someone I like as a person. And, honestly, when I really like a person, I find myself wanting to have sex with them. Now I don't have the feeling of wanting to live with them or being committed to them like I have for my wife but I do want to be closer than just friends. And, intimacy is a great way of being closer.

 

In reading your essay I'm thinking that I'm more poly in nature. Thanks for sharing!

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I see dividing lines in it all for me. I can feel affectionate with others but is nowhere in the same arena of things I feel for my husband. I have opened my soul to him and we share a bond that transcends how we feel for anyone else.

 

I can only give my all to one.

 

The rose

[monkeycouple 15]

Great insight into what is the domain of the term, "Compersion!"

 

With being open to "Polyamory", and all the while going through life's experiences within this Lifestyle of "Swinging," is the beginnings of the mindset of the fine balance and mindset of finding the difference between recreational sex and friendships. Swinging is primarily about the recreation of sex, and "Polyamory" is primarily about the friendships. Mixing the two together is a term coined by Ken Haslem of the Kinsley Sexual Institute, is his word that you write about and that word is, "Swolly" (which is the mixture of both Swinging and Polyamory combined).

 

Some swingers become polyamory, that is, stay withing their group or lover only until they feel the need to experiment/play again in discovering what they truly want out of a partner. In reality, most relationships last 4 to 7 years in deep emotional bonding until it tapers off, so do keep your mind open to future lovers. Once compersion sets in, and as you stated, "If he finds something better or is more happier, then why wouldn't I want him to go for that if I still loved him?" then why live in jealousy? Simply move on and trust in what makes everyone happy equally!

 

Ken Haslem wrote a fantastic and famous paper called, "The 12 Pillars of Polyamory" and is the definiative defining article that describes exactly what you write about with the underlying theme of "equality for all!" His article is in pdf form and is free online if you google it and download it.

 

MonkeyCouple

[sunbuckus 3,567]

In reading your essay I'm thinking that I'm more poly in nature. Thanks for sharing!

 

Thank you for reading, ViSexual!

 

 

Great insight into what is the domain of the term, "Compersion!"

 

With being open to "Polyamory", and all the while going through life's experiences within this Lifestyle of "Swinging," is the beginnings of the mindset of the fine balance and mindset of finding the difference between recreational sex and friendships. Swinging is primarily about the recreation of sex, and "Polyamory" is primarily about the friendships. Mixing the two together is a term coined by Ken Haslem of the Kinsley Sexual Institute, is his word that you write about and that word is, "Swolly" (which is the mixture of both Swinging and Polyamory combined).

 

Some swingers become polyamory, that is, stay withing their group or lover only until they feel the need to experiment/play again in discovering what they truly want out of a partner. In reality, most relationships last 4 to 7 years in deep emotional bonding until it tapers off, so do keep your mind open to future lovers. Once compersion sets in, and as you stated, "If he finds something better or is more happier, then why wouldn't I want him to go for that if I still loved him?" then why live in jealousy? Simply move on and trust in what makes everyone happy equally!

 

Ken Haslem wrote a fantastic and famous paper called, "The 12 Pillars of Polyamory" and is the definiative defining article that describes exactly what you write about with the underlying theme of "equality for all!" His article is in pdf form and is free online if you google it and download it.

 

MonkeyCouple

 

MonkeyCouple, thank you for sharing that information. I didn't know the combination of Swinging and Polyamory was called Swolly...though, I wonder if we could come up with something that looks better because swolly looks like swirly or swollen to me.

 

I wonder if there really is something to the 7-year-itch from what you said!

[monkeycouple 15]

There is really something to the 7 year itch. If develop our mindsets into that which we were created to do, we actually have 4 levels of salvation at around a period of 7 years each totalling 28 years. Remember the verse, "become a new creature?" Well the levels of personality that we grow through, in order, are: Lamb, Dove, Lion and Eagle. If you know the first three, you know the Father = Eagle. So your theory of what you call "the seven year itch" is true. We learn Compersion at the Dove stage, and Sacrifice at the first stage and listen to the voice of one teacher. At stage 3, we learn to create new cubs/employees and make product and services as the Lion is a master of his trade, "The King." And finally, the Eagle is see all, and knows all that is going on around the whole community. Of course the previous applies to Salvation, but in the world of Swingerdom, and that is, has the same parallels! Enjoy the above wisdom of the New Doctrine that "causes revival!"

 

Thank you for reading, ViSexual!

 

 

 

 

MonkeyCouple, thank you for sharing that information. I didn't know the combination of Swinging and Polyamory was called Swolly...though, I wonder if we could come up with something that looks better because swolly looks like swirly or swollen to me.

 

I wonder if there really is something to the 7-year-itch from what you said!

[D&D 362]

There is really something to the 7 year itch. If develop our mindsets into that which we were created to do, we actually have 4 levels of salvation at around a period of 7 years each totalling 28 years. Remember the verse, "become a new creature?" Well the levels of personality that we grow through, in order, are: Lamb, Dove, Lion and Eagle. If you know the first three, you know the Father = Eagle. So your theory of what you call "the seven year itch" is true. We learn Compersion at the Dove stage, and Sacrifice at the first stage and listen to the voice of one teacher. At stage 3, we learn to create new cubs/employees and make product and services as the Lion is a master of his trade, "The King." And finally, the Eagle is see all, and knows all that is going on around the whole community. Of course the previous applies to Salvation, but in the world of Swingerdom, and that is, has the same parallels! Enjoy the above wisdom of the New Doctrine that "causes revival!"

 

Whew.... Can you translate? I have no idea what this paragraph means or how it relates to the seven year itch thing...

 

 

@ Dagger "I see dividing lines in it all for me. I can feel affectionate with others but is nowhere in the same arena of things I feel for my husband. I have opened my soul to him and we share a bond that transcends how we feel for anyone else.

 

I can only give my all to one. "

 

This may come as a surprise but, I think that most poly oriented people would agree with you! Loving a person other than your SO doesn't require that you love that person the same or are just as committed to that person as you are to your spouse or primary. Being Poly doesn't mean that you love each of the people you love equally. I think this where the analogy of being poly to loving your children breaks down. It is quite common to have a primary and secondary relationship. Love shared between people fits somewhere on a continuum, its not an all or nothing game. The love I have for my wife of 20 years is quite a bit deeper and a magnitude more complex that what I feel for the person that entered our lives 5 months ago. I don't love them both the same. How could I? I dont have the investment of a lifetime with the new lover that I have with my wife.

 

On the flip side-- can loving another person threaten the primary relationship? Of course it can! Just like having sex outside may threaten the primary relationship. But loving another doesnt have to threaten the primary relationship any more than swinger sex does.......

[km34 672]

@ Dagger "I see dividing lines in it all for me. I can feel affectionate with others but is nowhere in the same arena of things I feel for my husband. I have opened my soul to him and we share a bond that transcends how we feel for anyone else.

 

I can only give my all to one. "

 

This may come as a surprise but, I think that most poly oriented people would agree with you! Loving a person other than your SO doesn't require that you love that person the same or are just as committed to that person as you are to your spouse or primary. Being Poly doesn't mean that you love each of the people you love equally. I think this where the analogy of being poly to loving your children breaks down. It is quite common to have a primary and secondary relationship. Love shared between people fits somewhere on a continuum, its not an all or nothing game. The love I have for my wife of 20 years is quite a bit deeper and a magnitude more complex that what I feel for the person that entered our lives 5 months ago. I don't love them both the same. How could I? I dont have the investment of a lifetime with the new lover that I have with my wife.

 

On the flip side-- can loving another person threaten the primary relationship? Of course it can! Just like having sex outside may threaten the primary relationship. But loving another doesnt have to threaten the primary relationship any more than swinger sex does.......

 

 

I completely agree! MANY poly relationships are hierarchical in nature. HOWEVER, I kind of understand people's fears. Insecurity is a powerful emotion. Right now the connection with your spouse may be so much stronger, but what about after you've been seeing this other person for a year? Two years? Five years? If your relationship lasts, your spouse suddenly isn't your ONLY focus or the ONLY person you are committed to keeping in your life. So even though your relationships with each person are different, they can easily become comparable. Not everyone knows how to work through the idea that being someone's true love doesn't necessarily equate to being their ONLY love.

 

I also have qualms about the 7 year itch in general, but that's neither here nor there

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I do get the concept of different kinds of love and different levels of it. Other languages have words for varying emotions on this, I wish ours did.

 

What I feel others is friendship and affection. That may be greater than what I feel for someone I just hang out with but they aren't my mate, we do not have a deep bond. Not even close to the same thing I share with my husband.

[couplers 4,614]

sunbuckus said:

For me, swinging meant overcoming my jealous-insecurity-possessiveness of Mr. Sun. I was afraid of losing him. I was afraid that if I "shared" him, that he would be whisked away. I was afraid that he wouldn't find me attractive anymore. I felt that he was mine. But this is counter-intuitive to our society of individualism. We don't own anyone. We choose to be with someone. It wasn't until I read someone say on the forum, "If they leave you, then why would you want to keep them? Why would you want to keep someone around that no longer wants you?" From that time on, I have tried to remember that. I want Mr. Sun to want to be with me because he wants to...not because he feels that he should. If he finds something better or is more happier, then why wouldn't I want him to go for that if I still loved him? If I keep him from that happiness, then he would feel resentment and anger and that doesn't help anyone or the relationship. If he found a new love but still loved me and wanted to maintain both, why would I want to keep him from bestowing more love onto another human being and receiving more love as well?

 

I agree with all of your post here, but especially the quote above. For many swingers, however, it isn't the sex/swinging part that causes the fear, it is the move toward emotions, intimacy, and love. The reality to me is that people do not mate for life, whether monogamous or not, and that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So as a rational, practical person, I am prepared for that. When I first started setting hubby up with other women (before Clair and our poly foursome), my worst fear that I faced head on was that hubby would leave me. I wanted to deal with it so directly that I let them play separately, alone, and when they wanted. I felt that certainly one of them just had to be better than me. But guess what? That didn't happen for two reasons. First, any feelings hubby had for them (except Clair) didn't grow beyond a certain point (don't be alarmed by the "new toy syndrome" where they are at each other every minute). Second, it made me not only realize that I don't own David even though he is my husband, but I also must win him every day. Every day, no taking him for granted. I realized that David was confident enough, man enough, to have been that way from the beginning, as I was all the while in my relationship with Red. Man enough even to marry me despite that other relationship. Our marriage is more solid than just about any marriage, not because of simply the sex with others, but because the courtship has never ended, we are happy to prove ourselves to one another everyday.

 

How to explain it all? The best suggestion I have is to read the short poem Es Ist Was Es Ist by Erich Fried, in the original Deutsch if you can, otherwise this is a good English translation:

 

Was es ist (With English Translation) by Erich Fried - Famous poems, famous poets. - All Poetry