Best friend can't handle my bisexuality

[newport boy 15]

My wife and I have played for years with my best friend. Usually starts in the hot tub and then progresses to his bedroom. His off/on girlfriend often joins in. We all go to nudist clubs together. Yes, he likes to see the two women together. He just found out that I am bi-sexual. I have never made a move on him or even suggested it. After all these years he sent me a vicious e-mail ending our friendship over this. He ended it with You Suck, Keep on Sucking. I am at a crossroads on whether or not to try to iron this out or just let it go and realize the 20 year friendship is over.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Some men are so threatened by m/m sexuality that they become completely irrational. I have my own theories about why, but it doesn't matter. You can leave it alone, knowing that his reaction isn't about you. You could also address it directly and remind him that you've never made a move on him and never planned to. It kinda depends on whether you care enough about him to let his poison drip into your life some more.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Maui has great advice. I'm so sorry that your best friend has acted this way, especially for a 20-year long friendship. I hope you didn't take his hurtfulness to heart. What ever you choose to do about him, I hope you do what's best for yourself.

[slevin 1,374]

A 20 year friendship isn't something to just throw away, but if I am honest with myself I don't think I could continue a friendship with someone who talked to me like that. Those are some incredibly hurtful words; whether we stayed in contact or not I think that reaction would forever change the depth of trust and friendship. Sorry to hear your friend treated you so badly. I hope it works out for you in the long run.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Wow! But he is ok with women getting it on. That always amazes me.

 

I am very sorry that you have been betrayed and left unsupported by someone who should give a damn about you.

 

 

The Rose

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Losing a good friend hurts and isn't something to be just casually shrugged off, but in this case I don't think there is anything you can do. There are positive things he can do, and given a little time to reflect on how he has acted, perhaps he will do those things. Then, you can both work to heal the rift. But since he is the one that turned and walked away, he is the one that will have to turn and come back before that process can start. I don't mean that in a spiteful way, just that he is the one that has the problem, so nothing you can do to change it, only he can.

[jcc925 17]

I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry you have to go thru this!! Good luck with whatever you decide!

[ViSexual 1,008]

One thing nobody mentioned is what your wife thinks about it. She's been involved with him too. But I do agree with everyone else that he showed his true colors with this. Personally, even if I weren't bisexual too, I wouldn't want to be around this guy.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

One thing nobody mentioned is what your wife thinks about it. She's been involved with him too. But I do agree with everyone else that he showed his true colors with this. Personally, even if I weren't bisexual too, I wouldn't want to be around this guy.

 

If the wife had a good sense on her head, she wouldn't be very happy about someone demeaning her husband in this fashion...especially since this man was supposed to be a friend. She only knows this man through her husband's friendship with him. If the friendship isn't there between the two men, then that's the end of the relationship and playtime between the wife and husband's friend. And even if the wife had established a great friendship of her own with the man, how could she ever continue being friends with someone that has a low opinion of her husband just because he aware of his true sexuality? His actions and opinion speak volumes of the type of friendship they had in his mind as well as his inner self.

 

For newport's sake, maybe the response was a gut reaction of shock at the news...but I wouldn't bet on it.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

One thing nobody mentioned is what your wife thinks about it. She's been involved with him too. But I do agree with everyone else that he showed his true colors with this. Personally, even if I weren't bisexual too, I wouldn't want to be around this guy.

 

She may have been involved with him but she isn't the one who was rudely judged and rejected.

 

 

The Rose

[enhancer 1,584]

A good friend would except you for the person you are! You have never came on to him or hinted at wanting to be with him. This guy is not a good friend and not worth putting any effort into. He is also a hypocrite if he is totally down with ladies playing together, but has so much hate for men that would do the same thing. He is a cancer to the lifestyle. I would hope that your wife supports you in this situation as well and will not have any further relationship with this piece of work either.

[Chicup 41]

I could understand if he wasn't comfortable swinging with you and your wife anymore, but to attack you for it in such a way doesn't seem to make much sense.

 

The only logical explanation I can come up with would be fear. Not necessarily "homophobia" type fear, but he starts thinking you could expose him to aids (via your wife) or some such. Bisexual men do have a higher incidents of STD's.

 

It's not a good reason to be hostile by any means.

 

As for continuing the friendship, obviously up to you. If the guy is just freaking out, then maybe you have a chance once he gets his head on straight but he did his best to burn bridges here.

[pna42 67]

Attacking you through a email is both sickening and cowardly. I'm sorry you lost your best friend. Don't let what happened sway your personal freedom and I hope you find another friend that you can grow close to and be as merry and celebrate the joys of friendship as you had with this person.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

It's worth reflecting on why he generated this response. Friends for 20 years. He knows that you have never approached him. Yet something triggered this response. There are two likely explanations. One, he has difficulty with the idea that your wife or his g/f could find pleasure with a bisexual male. Second, he is dealing with repressed feelings about his own sexuality.

 

We need not tell you of the asymmetries around attitudes towards same-sex behaviors. Average bar, two women kissing, the crowd will be egging them on. Average bar, two men kissing, the crowd will be trying to ignore them or (worse) moving to eject them.

 

You know him better than any respondent here--just keep in mind that behaviors you/we see as odd, strange, irrational always make sense to the person who owns the behavior. Moreover, no one intentionally hurts a friend of 20 years. Something else is going on.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

You know him better than any respondent here--just keep in mind that behaviors you/we see as odd, strange, irrational always make sense to the person who owns the behavior. Moreover, no one intentionally hurts a friend of 20 years. Something else is going on.

 

Perhaps the friend felt like the victim in this situation...in his shoes, perhaps he feels "duped" that the OP didn't come out to him and has been hiding his sexual identity to him. I'm still not condoning his actions but your post made me wonder if this is how the OP's friend felt. Which is still crappy and very selfish, in my opinion, considering how homophobic the general public still seems to be, let alone bi-sexuality.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

At this point you have nothing to lose by trying to save your friendship. I'd address it in writing (email) and make the points you suggested. Tell him that this isn't something new that it's been there however long and that you've been friends even longer. Apologize for not telling him sooner, and let him know why you didn't. Tell him how important his friendship is to you, and that you hope that acknowledging this truth about yourself is not enough for him to throw away a 20 year friendship. Then leave it at that, the ball would be in his court and you've done what you can.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. This is the very reason why so many people are so hesitant to be honest about who they are even with their BEST friends. I really hope he comes around and you can salvage your friendship, but know that if you can't he's not someone you really want to be friends with.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

At this point you have nothing to lose by trying to save your friendship. I'd address it in writing (email) and make the points you suggested. Tell him that this isn't something new that it's been there however long and that you've been friends even longer. Apologize for not telling him sooner, and let him know why you didn't. Tell him how important his friendship is to you, and that you hope that acknowledging this truth about yourself is not enough for him to throw away a 20 year friendship. Then leave it at that, the ball would be in his court and you've done what you can.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. This is the very reason why so many people are so hesitant to be honest about who they are even with their BEST friends. I really hope he comes around and you can salvage your friendship, but know that if you can't he's not someone you really want to be friends with.

 

I think this is a great option. However, for myself, I wouldn't bother. If a "best friend" treated me that way and now has such a distasteful opinion of me, I know where I stand. If the "best friend" wants to reconcile, that's up to him/her but they would have a hard hole to dig out of first and it would have to be without a ladder (explanatory letter) to help him/her out.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I have too often been on the end of being let down by a friends rejection of my choices or feelings. I have been able to continue friendliness but it's never the same.

 

I always know they rejected me and at anytime, it could happen again so I become guarded with them.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think this is a great option. However, for myself, I wouldn't bother. If a "best friend" treated me that way and now has such a distasteful opinion of me, I know where I stand. If the "best friend" wants to reconcile, that's up to him/her but they would have a hard hole to dig out of first and it would have to be without a ladder (explanatory letter) to help him/her out.

 

I have too often been on the end of being let down by a friends rejection of my choices or feelings. I have been able to continue friendliness but it's never the same.

 

I always know they rejected me and at anytime, it could happen again so I become guarded with them.

 

True on both counts. The only time I would consider taking my own advice here (or giving it) is in a situation like this where you've had such a long history and deep friendship. Generally, I'm more one to hold a grudge than to forgive (although it is something I'm working on). One thing I have learned though is that it's always harder to be the bigger person, and if you don't do it, the longer you each put it off the harder it will become.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

True on both counts. The only time I would consider taking my own advice here (or giving it) is in a situation like this where you've had such a long history and deep friendship. Generally, I'm more one to hold a grudge than to forgive (although it is something I'm working on). One thing I have learned though is that it's always harder to be the bigger person, and if you don't do it, the longer you each put it off the harder it will become.

 

The knife is sharper and cuts deeper when you get hurt by a long time, great friend. Forgiveness is something that can be given without it being deserved. Even if the friend learns that male bisexuality isn't something to be feared, disgusted, or intimidated by and changes his tune...nothing erases the fact that he was willing to end a great friendship so swiftly without even conversing about it and working through it. DaggersNRoses is correct, friendliness (if that can even be possible in this situation) can continue but it will never, ever be the same between the two friends--the damage has already been done.

 

I wish the OP would come back and let us know how he is doing because I am sure that even though we are all on his side on this, it doesn't lessen the pain he is going through.

[Swing*8701 887]

Fear has people doing really odd things. When people are presented with information they can neither process or cope with, there is what is referred to as a maladaptive response. And, the anger may be coming from the fact he doesn't want to give up on the great sex he has with your wife and simply cannot resolve his own psychological conflict understanding the new you. You may have known him 20 years, but the 'you' in this moment, he has known only briefly and he's afraid of that person.

 

A recent Morgan Freeman quote: "I hate the word homophobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole."

[Gordo 618]

perhaps he feels "duped" that the OP didn't come out to him and has been hiding his sexual identity to him.

 

I think that's it in a nutshell. He can't understand how he could have missed it and it has rocked his own perception of himself.

For that he's blaming you.

[tribbles 490]

Unless you know it's normal for him to fly off the handle that way and then want to make up later, I'd leave it up to him to contact me.

 

He flipped out. He gets over it, it's up to him to mend the friendship.

[Mrcdnsexytech 15]

I might be a little late to this but are you sure you are bi? I mean bi taken literally means you are equally attracted to men and women. Just because you have an interest or have had sex or oral sex with another man doesn't mean you are bi, it just means you've had an experience. Perhaps it was enjoyable but that still doesn't mean you are gay or bi.

 

Maybe yours and your friends definition of bi are different. Are you attracted to other men the same way you are to women?

 

I would try to salvage the friendship. 20 years is a lot of history to give up on, but if your friend really doesn't want to accept you as you are you have to be true to yourself and in the end you'll be happier without him.

[herpob 563]

How bi are you would be where I'd start.

 

As some people have alluded to, it may be miscommunication.

 

One of my sister's husband is not bisexual but he will allow things to happen. She loves to play with him with other people including hand jobs, oral, anal play, and penetration. She knows he is not into guys and will probably never do some of the things she'd like to do with him but he lets her play so long as he is busy from the waist up with her or another lady friend.

 

Now my other sister's husband is also not what I consider bisexual. He is not into men but will do stuff for my sister. He has sucked along with her, taken cum, shared with her, eaten it out of her afterwards, and even been fucked anally with her assistance. He admits the anal was amazing especially while my sister sucked him off but that he will never return the favor. He does things to satisfy her desires but even then there are lines.

 

So are you doing bisexual things because you crave them or your wife? If it is more about your wife, being open sexually as a couple, being uninhibited, and just letting things play out when another male is involved?

[kmann 15]

Great advice for all!