Single finding single for relationship on swingers site?

[BeStylnIT 114]

I'm a single male and obviously lifestyler if I'm using this site. I have a great thing going with a couple but I have also wanted a normal relationship too. I can't see how meeting a single woman on SLS or AFF is a good way to start a relationship.

But, I'm willing to try... Anyone else perhaps meet other singles on swinger web site?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We know couples who've met through swinging, but in general most singles are swinging because they are not looking for commitment. I have heard that dating sites like OkCupid and PlentyofFish have many people who are open minded about sex so you may want to try there.

[Alura 2,774]

Thirty years ago I met a couple who met through one of those match-making services where each person made a video. In theirs, they both had sought to show their willingness to communicate and commit, rather than their beauty or funness. I've thought that a good one for a single in the lifestyle might read, "Single orange male, a participant in the Swinging Lifestyle, wants serious relationship with single purple female, who knows the value of communication for a successful marriage. No subject is off-limits and, ..."

 

One wouldn't get many answers but those that were forthcoming would be good ones!

 

Alura

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I can't see how meeting a single woman on SLS or AFF is a good way to start a relationship.

 

Can you say more about that? As in, why does meeting someone on a hook up site strike you as a poor avenue for a relationship?

[BeStylnIT 114]

why does meeting someone on a hook up site strike you as a poor avenue for a relationship?

Quick answer...I don't have the time or patience it would take.

 

Also, let me make it known I believe non-hookup sites are awful place too look too. The Beauty of a swinger site is that people are open upfront about what they want. Online "normal" dating sites, in my opinion, are full of people trying to play their own dating game and other human elements getting in the way. Swinger sites are much more effective is what I'm trying to say I guess and I'm speaking directly about swinging activities. I love my couple, they're perfect and as the single it is really an easy job. Truth be told the couples role isn't demanding either. They are not going to meeting my family or be obligated to me for anything. They aren't who I call if life throws me a dagger and I'm needing someone for real support. Three of us are special friends who have fun. Simple stuff and while it did take forever to meet them; it was much faster than meeting someone I belong in a relationship with. Let's say, match.com is the site & I have contacted a woman I'm interested in. Just to have coffee with her will be a uphill climb and that's mostly because of the reputation single men have earned themselves online. 95% of them are clueless dildos, everyone knows that! So, what kind of single man will a woman assume I am on SLS? It's a fair question for her to ask herself. If jackasses are on Match.com then jackasses are on in haven using a site like SLS. God only knows how long it take? Also the two things woman complain about on Match.com the most are that the men lie about being single and they lie about what they want. By that I mean stating they want something serious but only wanting 1 night stands. Anyone follow me here? Degree of difficulty is way more!!! Call me old fashion but I want to meet the love of my life in person. I want it to be organic and develop on it's own and dating sites aren't exactly like that.

 

Some will get offended by what I'm about to say, I get turned off by single women using swinger sites to meet single men. I mean really, really what kind of woman wants to start the whole dating process at "swinger"? I am a man and I don't!!! I don't want a woman I'm dating to know anything about it even if that means we get married and I never swing again. You can't start at "swinger"...telling ya if it works out then it's a rare exception. Look at the couples who come on here to get help with drama. two single people trying to develop a substantial relationship are drama waiting to happen if the swinger card is in play.

 

I can't help it though. Yes, I realize I'm doing the same thing. I know...I know it's hypocritical and unfair since I'm a member of a swing site. To each their own when it's their own sex life is a philosophy I agree to and even more irrational is that I can see myself and future Mrs. swinging together. That's future Mrs. however...when I'm looking a woman I've just meet and wondering if she can be Mrs. BeStylnIT knowing she goes down on some guy's wife while he ass pounds her is a turn-off. If it's her own secret and later in our relationship she tells me about it...HOT!!! LOL, it's confusing but at least I'm honest & know how I feel.

[Chicup 41]

Find the woman with "traditional" dating (which these days means internet sites too).

 

Some of those women will be open to swinging. That is what you determine while dating.

[BeStylnIT 114]

Really during dating? I have assumed it was better for married couples. The truth and comfort are there but people dating may find swinging a slippery slope.

[CalendarGirl 148]

I think I would PREFER to find a potential SO among lifestylers! People always say go to places where others that are like-minded hang out (i.e. church, bar, pool hall, gym, etc) so why not at a swing club, house party or online site? Plus I believe that I would want to swing with my SO so it's easier to have that conversation with someone familiar with the lifestyle. To be successful in this lifestyle you have to be able to communicate which is something I definitely want in an LTR. Sure there are a lots of losers in the lifestyle but there are a lot of losers at church, bar, pool hall, gym, etc. There are plenty of "good" people that are swingers. I mean, look at me, I'm a swinger and I'm pretty great, so why can't there be another one that's perfect for me? People said the same thing to me when I met my ex-husband at a bar! They thought immediately he was a loser because he was at the bar. Then I reminded them that I had been at the bar as well. LOL!

 

Yes, BeSylnIT it should definitely be discussed during dating. Open & honesty first & always. Ethical non-monogamy is something that should definitely be discussed before you promise to be monogamous! If someone sees it as a "slippery slope" then perhaps they shouldn't be swinging. I'm in no way looking for a SO right now but I know that someday I'd like a companion and if it happens it happens. I'm certainly not swinging to meet single men (there are MUCH easier ways!!) but if I stumbled across my soul mate I wouldn't be opposed to it either.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Really during dating? I have assumed it was better for married couples. The truth and comfort are there but people dating may find swinging a slippery slope.

 

No one is saying that you should start swinging while dating (although, you can if you both agree the relationship is ready to handle it), the key is to DETERMINE whether or not she would be open to it WHILE dating rather than waiting until after you are married only to discover that it's NEVER gonna happen and now you can't have your cake and eat it, too.

 

As for whether or not a couple can handle it while still dating, we started together before we were married. But, we were also open and honest with each other about our pasts, fantasies, and current statuses from day 1. A relationship needs to be built on honesty if it's going to go anywhere, and if you do that then you'll determine DURING dating whether or not she is open to it and whether or no this is a relationship that will work with swinging as a part of it.

[BeStylnIT 114]

think I would PREFER to find a I'm certainly not swinging to meet single men (there are MUCH easier ways!!) but if I stumbled across my soulmate I wouldn't be opposed to it either.

I Feel the exact same way.

go to places where others that are like-minded hang out (i.e. church, bar, pool hall, gym, etc) so why not at a swing club

Because it is mostly married couple or single who want to go home with them...?

 

To be successful in this lifestyle you have to be able to communicate which is something I definitely want in an LTR. Sure there are a lots of losers in the lifestyle but there are a lot of losers at church, bar, pool hall, gym, etc. There are plenty of "good" people that are swingers.

plenty, good and bad come in all forms. Going on just the odds I'd rather meet a woman who would keep the swinging to herself if she didn't know if I was into it. Eventually it come up and then we'd go from there.

 

Ethical non-monogamy is something that should definitely be discussed before you promise to be monogamous

Really, how about for people would put the marriage above swinging? Isn't true love worth more? Keep in mind I'm single and have never been married. I feel like being with a nonswinger soulmate would make swinging a non-issue. If I love nonswinger then that's, that!!!

 

 

If someone sees it as a "slippery slope" then perhaps they shouldn't be swinging.

If swinging is a must for you I'd say the same about being with your SO if you would decide not to be with him

[BeStylnIT 114]

you'll determine DURING dating whether or not she is open to it and whether or no this is a relationship that will work with swinging as a part of it.

So, you have to be a swinger? You can't be in a normal marriage because it's more important to swing than be with a person you're in love with?

Which means it's impossible to love someone who isn't into the lifestyle?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

So, you have to be a swinger? You can't be in a normal marriage because it's more important to swing than be with a person you're in love with?

Which means it's impossible to love someone who isn't into the lifestyle?

 

I don't think that's what Julie's saying at all. She's saying talk and see if it will work and then decide what your priority is.

 

I don't think there's such a thing as a normal marriage. We're non-monogamous by choice. Many people are non-monogamous by sneak. I do believe some people can be happy in monogamy and some it just won't work for. It's not a character flaw in my opinion if they are honest about it.

[Chicup 41]

So, you have to be a swinger? You can't be in a normal marriage because it's more important to swing than be with a person you're in love with?

Which means it's impossible to love someone who isn't into the lifestyle?

 

I got lucky in that the woman I feel in love with and married later turned out to be open to swinging. NEITHER of us even dreamed about it until long after we were together.

 

IF I were to be dating again, rather than hope I get lucky a 2nd time, BEFORE I would be in love with someone I'd gauge their opinions on sex and sexually and that would help determine if a relationship was worth pursuing.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Some will get offended by what I'm about to say, I get turned off by single women using swinger sites to meet single men. I mean really, really what kind of woman wants to start the whole dating process at "swinger"? I am a man and I don't!!! I don't want a woman I'm dating to know anything about it even if that means we get married and I never swing again. You can't start at "swinger"...telling ya if it works out then it's a rare exception. Look at the couples who come on here to get help with drama. two single people trying to develop a substantial relationship are drama waiting to happen if the swinger card is in play.

 

I can't help it though. Yes, I realize I'm doing the same thing. I know...I know it's hypocritical and unfair since I'm a member of a swing site. To each their own when it's their own sex life is a philosophy I agree to and even more irrational is that I can see myself and future Mrs. swinging together. That's future Mrs. however...when I'm looking a woman I've just meet and wondering if she can be Mrs. BeStylnIT knowing she goes down on some guy's wife while he ass pounds her is a turn-off. If it's her own secret and later in our relationship she tells me about it...HOT!!! LOL, it's confusing but at least I'm honest & know how I feel.

 

Really, how about for people would put the marriage above swinging? Isn't true love worth more? Keep in mind I'm single and have never been married. I feel like being with a nonswinger soulmate would make swinging a non-issue. If I love nonswinger then that's, that!!!

 

If swinging is a must for you I'd say the same about being with your SO if you would decide not to be with him

 

So, you have to be a swinger? You can't be in a normal marriage because it's more important to swing than be with a person you're in love with?

Which means it's impossible to love someone who isn't into the lifestyle?

 

BeStylnIT, I think there are two things at play in your entire thread. One, you don't see swinging or non-monogamy as being an essential part of who you are. For you, it's more of a hobby than a lifestyle. Some people on the forum view it as a way of being that is who they are. If they have to hide that or never swing again, then it would be painful to them. Neither is wrong but that might be why posters are saying it's important to figure out how important monogamy (or not) is during the dating phase. If non-monogamy is important to both, then it's a good fit. If one needs to be monogamous and the other finds non-monogamy to be part of who they are, then it's not a good match.

 

Seeing as you're single...have you done any swinging as a couple--like seeing your girlfriend with another man? If not, I am wondering this is the reason why I am getting a sense of distaste from your responses in considering a swinging single female as a future life partner. You haven't yet had that experience of sharing someone you care about with someone else and having enjoyment from her sexual enjoyment.

 

May I be direct and ask you about your own personal opinion about swinging couples and why you think they swing?

[BeStylnIT 114]

I don't think that's what Julie's saying at all. She's saying talk and see if it will work and then decide what your priority is.

 

I don't think there's such a thing as a normal marriage. We're non-monogamous by choice. Many people are non-monogamous by sneak. I do believe some people can be happy in monogamy and some it just won't work for. It's not a character flaw in my opinion if they are honest about it.

It's easy to read into what she said because of the things you see on a couples profile. The strong relationship, love each other very much and so on. I've interpreted that as swinging was something you don't usually enter into a marriage having discussed or seeing as a prenuptial factor. Unless of course you're talking about two people who have meet through the lifestyle. Basically my impression was that by default couple reset to non swinger mode when the relationship begins.

[BeStylnIT 114]

I've never been married, I've never shared a girlfriend. I don't wonder if she going to fuck another dude with or without me. It's will be up to her if that happens.

[BeStylnIT 114]

This was very eye opening and informative. Thanks!

May I pontificate some? Put some thoughts into words and see my perspective in front of my eyes....This has made me ask myself some good questions about who I am and what exactly I want.

you don't see swinging or non-monogamy as being an essential part of who you are. For you, it's more of a hobby than a lifestyle.

Yes and no, I spent so of my 20's chasing sex and having fun. I still love sex, remain open minded and adventurous! I want more from life and I want to do more with my mind. It's where I am in life, I can't allow myself to view sex as a crucial element to who I am.

I want to be an accomplished person and stop living this pay check to paycheck life. I didn't finish my bachelor's and got an associates degree. So What am I doing professionally? Working as a bartender, what else? I've been working behind bars since 18. Basically If I want to improve my life having sex won't do it so I decided to accept the fact that as much fun as sex is, especially sex in the swinging lifestyle, sex should not be viewed as important to who I am or what I want. Make sense? It's like I am afraid to allow my sexual appetites to define me. I want to be someone defined by other things and enjoy my sex life when it happens. If that turns out to be with a non-swinging wife then so be it. So I thought...

I BEFORE I would be in love with someone I'd gauge their opinions on sex and sexually and that would help determine if a relationship was worth pursuing.

Not because swinging and freaky sex is more important than finding the person you belong with. It's because you have to be who you are in order to be happy. If you aren't then it comes back to bite you in the ass! A swinger can meet a non-swinging person and fall in love with them. For a while it won't be an issue if participating in the lifestyle is no longer what you do. But in the end you can't fool yourself can you? It will catch up & cause a strain on things unless your non-swinger wife decides to try it. What if she's not into it...where will you be then?

 

I will need to bring this up if I meet the woman I want to marry. Thx ya'll great talk

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

So, you have to be a swinger? You can't be in a normal marriage because it's more important to swing than be with a person you're in love with?

Which means it's impossible to love someone who isn't into the lifestyle?

 

I don't think that's what Julie's saying at all. She's saying talk and see if it will work and then decide what your priority is.

 

I don't think there's such a thing as a normal marriage. We're non-monogamous by choice. Many people are non-monogamous by sneak. I do believe some people can be happy in monogamy and some it just won't work for. It's not a character flaw in my opinion if they are honest about it.

 

It's easy to read into what she said because of the things you see on a couples profile. The strong relationship, love each other very much and so on. I've interpreted that as swinging was something you don't usually enter into a marriage having discussed or seeing as a prenuptial factor. Unless of course you're talking about two people who have meet through the lifestyle. Basically my impression was that by default couple reset to non swinger mode when the relationship begins.

 

 

FunCoupleDayton is exactly correct in what I was saying. No one is saying you have to swing, that is for you to determine. If you want a simple normal monogamous relationship then you can certainly meet said female anywhere at any time. However, I do think that ANY relationship needs to be built on honesty and that includes the potential for swinging. Discussing it as part of your "getting to know you" portion of dating doesn't mean you have to do it, but I do think it's important to know where each person is coming from and if there is ANY chance you think you might want swinging to be something you do as a couple, then it's better to discuss it earlier rather than later. Even if you never swing together, I'm just guessing that you won't want to be with a woman who is completely close minded to the ideas of swinging and to sharing fantasies. We've seen enough of those posts around here where the guy (or the girl) had a fantasy (or even experience) prior to marriage but never shared it only to finally spill the beans and cause a world of discomfort, miscommunication and sometimes serious trouble.

 

Only you can decide what is important to you, and how important swinging is to you. But, unless you plan to give it up completely, never think about it and walk into a new relationship with both of you maintaining the attitude of "what happened before us stays before us" (it won't hold, trust me) then you will have to talk about it at some point. The sooner you get it over with the easier it is.

[Alura 2,774]

We talked about swinging on our second date. We had met a couple in a restaurant in Germany, were invited back to their place, and invited to play. We declined but on the drive back to the future Mrs. Alura's apartment, talked about it and admitted we had both wanted to do it but wanted to talk to each other first. "It sounds like fun to me," said Laura. "It seems to me that a couple who swings must communicate extraordinarily well!" I added. During this long talk, we agreed to never become angry because a question was asked and always to talk the issue through. "I don't wanna talk about it," would never be said by either of us. During our thirty years together this agreement served us well.

 

There is never a reason to "put off" any question between a husband and wife. A couple might as well start that way.

 

Alura

[CalendarGirl 148]

We talked about swinging on our second date. We had met a couple in a restaurant in Germany, were invited back to their place, and invited to play. We declined but on the drive back to the future Mrs. Alura's apartment, talked about it and admitted we had both wanted to do it but wanted to talk to each other first. "It sounds like fun to me," said Laura. "It seems to me that a couple who swings must communicate extraordinarily well!" I added. During this long talk, we agreed to never become angry because a question was asked and always to talk the issue through. "I don't wanna talk about it," would never be said by either of us. During our thirty years together this agreement served us well.

 

There is never a reason to "put off" any question between a husband and wife. A couple might as well start that way.

 

Alura

 

 

The Alura advice! I repeat this all the time. I even use it in "non-romantic" life. Anyone can ask me any question, I won't get angry. I may not necessarily answer the question but I won't get angry if you ask. You are so wise Alura. Thank you for sharing as always!!

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Sex is a natural part of us. We can choose not to have sex but it remains that the desire is part of the human make up so our sexuality is a part of who we are.

 

If someone loves animals then it's not odd for them to pass on dating those who hate them. If someone loves to travel, why marry someone who refuses to. If you have deep seated beliefs then you certainly don't want to be with someone who thinks they are stupid.People often make choices based on what is important factors to them. When mates are fundamentally opposed to one another, it sometimes erodes the relationship.

 

So if someone feels they will not be happy in a monogamous relationship then trying to be in one for their partner may bring unhappiness. I think it is better to seek a partner who accepts you, understands you and can share things with you.

[Alura 2,774]

 

The Alura advice! I repeat this all the time. I even use it in "non-romantic" life. Anyone can ask me any question, I won't get angry. I may not necessarily answer the question but I won't get angry if you ask. You are so wise Alura. Thank you for sharing as always!!

 

I am gratified that you think me wise, but worry that I give the same advice so often that folks are likely to think, "Hell! I've heard this before." Still, if the shoe fits...

 

I'm pleased that you nurture my thoughts and share them with others and your personal life. That is the ultimate compliment.

 

Have you ever been to the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Calendar Girl?

 

Alura

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I...worry that I give the same advice so often that folks are likely to think, "Hell! I've heard this before." Still, if the shoe fits...

 

Sometimes it's easier for people to take advice given to them personally than to read it elsewhere and think that their situation is different. Also, just because we feel it's the same advice given over and over, it could be the first time this particular person has heard it so you never know! With that said, the person requesting advice has to be willing and open to change in order for any advice to be helpful.

[CalendarGirl 148]

I am gratified that you think me wise, but worry that I give the same advice so often that folks are likely to think, "Hell! I've heard this before." Still, if the shoe fits...

 

I'm pleased that you nurture my thoughts and share them with others and your personal life. That is the ultimate compliment.

 

I completely agree Alura! That is truly a great legacy.

 

Have you ever been to the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Calendar Girl?

 

Alura

 

No Alura, I have never been to Oklahoma! I think it's time for me to visit!

[Alura 2,774]

The Will Rogers Memorial was built to honor one of the wisest men in recent history. I'm sure you would enjoy learning more about our favorite son. He was Cherokee, too!

 

I've been called "wise" before. It's usually because of something I wrote about communication. When I met the late Mrs. Alura I was not so wise ... especially with regard to communication. Laura taught me what I know about open honesty and fearless communication with the one you love. Any legacy is hers.

 

Most folks think of Oklahoma as flat treeless prairies populated by backward-thinking people. We have four mountain ranges, many forests, and folks from whom it is a pleasure to learn, both alive and long-gone. We began as a sort of concentration camp for Native Americans but Americans of European ancestry became interested when oil was discovered seeping out of the ground near Glenpool. My family has been here since it was called Indian Territory.

 

Spring and Autumn are best. If your travels bring you here, please let me know. We also have some great restaurants!

 

Alura

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Back to the OP, I wouldn't be too concerned about if a future mate was interested and open to non-monogamy, But I would open the discussion on the topic of sex, I know that I would never be able to have a long term relationship with anyone who was not open to trying new things sexually, I enjoy so many different things that I would refuse to live with out! Sex is a buffet that you should feel free to sample.