I want to swing, but husband is against it

[lovesattention 15]

My hubs thinks that swinging is just some idea I've cooked up to make it ok to cheat. We had an encounter with another man watching us (hubs invited him over)and he joined in after hubs started having some trouble. Everything was ok till it was just the two of us and he had a panic attack. The whole thing was so thrilling to me and when its just us now it seems even closer and better. He has since said "your welcome" to me for letting me have this experience. But now he has told me that he can't do it he feels wrong and that's that. It took me 14 years to open up and share this desire with him. I feel as if he is telling me my wants are irrelevant. How can I quit feeling like this?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

You feel how you feel and he feels how he feels and that's fine. However, the two of you need to do a lot of talking, possibly with a sex-positive therapist. The other thing is that if he had an actual panic attack, if he's like most people, he will pretty much do anything to avoid ever having another one. In which case, anything but avoidance would be pretty much irrelevant.

 

In addition to talking (with the help of a therapist, unless you're already really good at problem resolution), has he done any reading here in the forums? It might help both of you sort out your feelings, plus give you a lot of topics for discussion.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I feel as if he is telling me my wants are irrelevant. How can I quit feeling like this?

 

I don't know if you'll ever quit feeling that way. My wife joined me in this and, like your husband, she had real problems dealing with it each time. And, like you, I found it to be about the most exciting things I've ever done. I still miss that excitement and know that I always will. My wife never seemed to be concerned about that and only seemed concerned with her remorse after each encounter. BTW..., she enjoyed each one during.

 

I've tried to get my wife to find compromises that she might be able to better deal with and she only says that it might lead to things that she could have trouble dealing with. So here I am envying couples who have what I'd so love to have with my wife of 41 years. If it helps you, I have survived all these years and you will too!

[Baron-n-kitty 104]

My wife is kinda that way too. Hell, I bought her lap dances from a lady in vegas and while she enjoyed them greatly she later informed me that she felt like she cheated. I explained to her as long as we do things as a couple then....its not cheating in any form. At least not to me. Its us having fun together but, in a different way. I think she gets it. Or if not shes getting there! We got time. Yall do too.

[blakemanic 3]

I feel as if he is telling me my wants are irrelevant. How can I quit feeling like this?

 

That sounds pretty one sided....point being it sounds like you are victimizing yourself when your husband let you go this far and still did not like it. Who is to say that your husband HAS to enjoy your desires and will you stop blaming him?

[Lascivious L&L 866]

This is the place where swingers don't have answers. It's a relationship issue, not a sex issue. You want your husband to just say yes. He wants you to just say no. Neither works. You have a very difficult decision to make.

 

For me this large a head butt issue is a possible relationship deal breaker. Your husband shouldn't have to stray into panic attack territory. I've had them and know what they are. There are techniques to deal with panic attacks that worked for me. If you decide to give up your desires you may wonder about them all your life in a way that will eat at your relationship. There is no easy answer. It could be an opportunity to find out that your marriage can survive something this serious. Or that it's time to end a marriage bound to go sour

[blakemanic 3]

Or go to church and ask God for guidance, lol! I can understand the desire for seeking thrills, which is why I am exploring this subject but there are so many ways to do this without sex. Working out in the gym, adventure travel, exploring the world etc...

[IEcouple 222]

In hindsight, I think it was a mistake to continue with the new guy after your husband had issues. That's the kind of thing that an experienced couple can shrug off, but for a first-timer? There can't help but be hurt feelings.

 

Unfortunately, your best way forward is just to see if he changes his mind and support him either way. Let him nicely know that it's something you're still interested in, but that you won't pressure him to try it again.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Lovesattention. You aren't wrong for feeling the way you feel and neither is your husband. Sometimes we have to set aside our desires for the good of the relationship. It's not say that you will have to set them aside forever, but at this point your focus should be on reassuring your husband that he and your relationship are the most important things. Spend time together and talk about what happened. Talk about why he feels negatively about the encounter, listen to what he has to say. It's possible that he's just working through the emotions of something so new to him. Some of that he will need to do on his own, and some of that he will need to do by talking with you about what happened. Be open to him and to his responses, whatever they may be. Just as you don't want to be denied how you feel or told you are wrong for feeling a certain way, don't do the same to him. Just listen, take time to digest what he is saying and return the favor by being honest with him. That's all you can really do.

 

I know it sucks that it took you so long to really open up to him and now you feel your dream getting squashed, just understand that it's not dead yet and that, if nothing else, you did get one really hot night.

[losAmantes 318]

You did get one really hot night, but at what cost? It's obvious your husband can't handle you playing with someone else and things went far beyond his comfort zone. Will it ruin your marriage? Maybe. Is it likely he'll agree to let you play again? Probably not. I can only imagine how uncomfortable things are at home right now. You have to decide where you go from here. You might try a FMF with him to boost his ego, but if he has ED issues a FMF will only make him feel more inadequate. Communication is the key to making it through this. Let him tell you what he feels went wrong. I don't know your ages, but as we get older women actually become more sexually promiscuous than men, and that may bother him a bit. If, in fact you are older, have him see a doc if there are any libido problems.

[Gordo 618]

A panic attack is a pretty extreme and unusual reaction to swinging. It's the first thread I've ever read that someone experienced one.

 

I don't think he can handle it so your decision seems pretty simple. NO. Unless you want to end the relationship.

[lovesattention 15]

Well! I left this topic alone and hubby finally realized I am here for him, always have been. He couldn't get over the way I don't get jealous. He finally got to see how much joy I get from seeing him have the time of his life! we had some friends over a few months ago and everyone got a little frisky. My husband and I thought we were breaking away from the group but we had a surprise waiting in our bed. We just ignored her cause we were so in the moment and before I knew what was going on she joined in! We all had a wonderful night and still get together whenever we can. Thank you all for your advice I read each reply many times and for me(us), it has worked out well.

[angelkin 1,326]

Thank you so much for coming back to update us, I just love a happy ending;)