How To Message Swinger Couple We Are Interested In

[DaggersNRoses 271]

For all my hesitation and stress over mailing and meeting, I happened on a couple when checking out a club attendance list. I find them very interesting and would love to meet them.

 

I get anxiety over the idea of meeting with a couple that I don't really know anything about and don't know of any common ground. I just don't know what to say there. I am too far out of my element there. I don't like being out of my element.

 

So this couple is physically similar to us and has choices and interests that we share. I am actually interested in getting together with them just to talk about those things if nothing else.

 

Any tips on formulating an e-mail to initiate possible interest? I have sent a few of these things with nothing really coming of it, partially on our part in some cases. I'd really like this one to be different.

 

The Rose

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'd say that 99% of emails sent via swinger ads are sent exactly on the basis you described. Our typical email in a situation like yours would be

"Hey, we saw you were signed up for xyz party, so are we. We'd really love to have a chance to meet and get to know you before all the noise of the party, would you be interested in dinner before the party?"

 

Of course, that assumed you were actually going to the party you found them on. If you aren't going, it's even easier because you can say you noticed their profile and felt like you all were similar in your lifestyle approach and would love to get to know them......

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Thanks, we actually are attending the same event. I was looking to see who else was planning to.

 

I think dinner before the party sounds good. Less stress of working out schedules and if it works up to playing then no worries about who hosts or where to go. If it doesn't, everyone is free to part and still have fun.

 

How do you deal with it not working for chemistry. Can people actually part without hard feelings and have fun at a party?

 

The Rose

[DigginIt 1,132]

Chemistry is two parts for us. Physical attraction and Emotional connections (for no better term I can think of at the moment). Physical attraction hits first but Emotional connections are far more important. We always say that Physical attraction get's the date but Emotional attraction gets us in the sack,

 

You have to find the common ground quickly. I was forced to read a book one time. It was called "make people like you in 90 seconds or less" and one of the key points (over simplifying here) is how to find that common bond. When you have something in common, sincere interest can develop quickly. I'm not talking about phony car sales tactics but a genuine interest shared by the group such as boating, skiing, sports, etc. Hobbies seem to work best for us, sometimes you find out you have kids the same age, doing the same things, etc. Kid's don't get the sexual tension elevated but often you find it's something easy to talk about once you discover those things. Maybe not club talk but definitely a nice conversation over dinner.

 

Just some ramblings, lol, not sure if they were helpful.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Finding something common hasn't been easy. We aren't looking for a long term friendship but we have agreed that if we found a couple that we find it developing then we are OK with it. What we do need is some intellectual interest and socialising.

 

Many we have met do the boating, cooking out, dancing as the hobbies they talk about.

 

I don't fit well into suburbia. The idea of going to ren fest and doing the wine tasting then watching the belly dancers is my idea of an exciting time with another couple. Grilling in the backyard is not so much a pastime.

 

Wanna talk about D&D, history, sensual expression, cultures, horror, spirituality, simple and thrifty living, I am there. Vacations? We don't take them.

[Chicup 41]

The main reason to mail is that it makes it easier to introduce yourself when you see them. Being you are going to an event, a couple of minutes of conversation >> everything on their profile.

 

We met a great couple on our last Couples Cruise, and the conversation starter was they recognized us from an email we sent them asking if they wanted to meet on the cruise. I couldn't remember ANYTHING about their profile, and it didn't matter because they were there.

 

The hardest part is breaking the ice, so email them, say "We see you are going to X event and we would love to get to meet you, let us know if you are interested." and see what happens.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

...a couple of minutes of conversation >> everything on their profile.

 

I agree with this. We've had couples who have emailed us before an event and we're open to saying hi and conversing with them. Many times, I don't remember anything from their profile. Sometimes we can talk and sometimes it's just not a good fit. I don't know what kind of event you two are heading to, but I would just say that you two are interested in them and would like to connect at the event. Hopefully, they will respond and say that they are also interested and will keep an eye out for you guys and go from there. Going out to dinner beforehand seems like too much to me. Even though their profile sounds perfect, what if it turns out that you can't stand the couple or you find that there is a disparity between them and their pictures and there isn't any physical attraction? Then you're stuck with them for the entire meal. If you meet at the event, then you can talk a bit, get a feel for each other and if it works for everyone, keep talking and maybe more will happen. If it doesn't click, then you can say it was nice meeting you and introduce yourselves to other couples there.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

They put out on their profile that they enjoy getting together just to talk with others in the lifestyle. I want the opportunity to talk with them about their interests if nothing else. Is it reasonable to hold someone to that if I project the interest that way?

[angelkin 1,326]

I think the email part is easy, it's the dinner conversation that is more difficult for me. I have found that asking how they got in the lifestyle and what they have learned is a good topic. It lets you learn their approach, hear some pitfalls, and how they dealt with it overall. To me, all those details will let me know if they are someone we want to be involved with. If their answers are not intelligent and thoughtful, we're not likely to play.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

The conversation with strangers part is where I have trouble. Most profiles and mails about interest in our area say grilling, dancing and boating.

 

We have a detailed profile that offers a glimpse of who we are and what people can expect from us. It helps others to determine if we are right for them. Maybe if they can't offer something in the mails about what we might have in common, its a sign...there isn't anything, lol.

 

So finding someone with common things is exciting.

[exploringRM 305]

In the email, talk up about things in their profile...or at least say we really enjoyed your profile and we would like to meet...etc etc.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

The conversation with strangers part is where I have trouble. Most profiles and mails about interest in our area say grilling, dancing and boating.

 

We have a detailed profile that offers a glimpse of who we are and what people can expect from us. It helps others to determine if we are right for them. Maybe if they can't offer something in the mails about what we might have in common, its a sign...there isn't anything, lol.

 

So finding someone with common things is exciting.

 

I'd like to offer what might sound like a skewed approach, and not because I think you're doing it wrong. We share one thing with every couple we meet: humanity. If they also bring some intelligence, a sense of humor and a lack of visible emotional damage, we don't need to share any interests. In fact, the interests we don't share are a great starting point for conversational mind melds with strangers. And that's even more true if their interests are something that I view with a certain amount of disdain (yes, taxidermy, I'm talking about you). The reason is that this is a social connection, not a deep friendship (although, frankly, I share very few interests with even my closest friends) and differences make for good social interactions. Does that make any sense?

 

I have a very prying question that I don't expect an answer to: Are you concerned that you'll bore or be bored if you don't have common interests?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I had to go back to your OP for a couple of reasons. If I remember correctly, you two are new, right? I can't recall how much experience you two have but I think all of this nervousness is making you think too much about how to make sure you don't screw things up with this couple. I know it can be scary going out to meet people and thinking you don't have anything to talk about with other people. I feel that way sometimes because I have little work experience (c'mon, how much can you talk about data entry for the USPS and a manufacturing technician for a silicon wafer company?), I stay home with the kids, and my interests revolve around cooking, movies, exercise, computer/phone games, and watching a few tv shows. Nothing really interesting. But when you go out and connect with other couples sometimes you find just the right chemistry and comfortability to make conversation flow. And sometimes you don't. And that's okay. That's how these things work out. You have to make the best of it and move on. You have to realize that you might click with people that don't share the exact same interests and not click with those that you think would be perfect. It's not just the interests that matter but the person/couple as a whole.

 

I know your entire post was really wanting an exact formula on how to write out your email to entice them. And maybe someone else will be willing to oblige but my advice is to relax and try not to over think this whole thing. Swinging is supposed to be fun. Stressing out about finding the perfect match doesn't sound like much fun.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

New is questionable. I didn't know until recently that the experiences we have had through our marriage might be called swinging.

 

To us, swinging was the agreed on experience of having real, physical sex with someone else's spouse and they with yours. Everything else is unconventional but not swinging. Exploration of sexual concepts with friends that went so far as to flirt with them,vtouch, kiss in our early years of marriage was not swinging. The threesome situation we had a few years was also not swinging.

 

Calling ourselves swingers, actively participating, seeking out partners, participating in and viewing in a sexual environment as a couple, we are new to.

 

Comparing one stream of experiences to the other, I detest the inorganic method and hoop jumping. I am no good at it. I prefer the club over the mail and meets for a reason.

 

The Rose

[DaggersNRoses 271]

On interests..

 

A perceptive gentleman said to me just last night that it seems our interests are really values. I ended up thinking on this awhile. He is right, we don't just have things we do. The things we do are meaningful to us. They define us, fulfill us, make us who we are,what we give and take from life. They are pieces of lifestyle choices and deeply ingrained beliefs.

 

So our friends develop from people we meet in some group, activity or life thing. We are drawn to one another because we see someone equally interested, equally passionate about our choices, our beliefs, our self expressions. To talk about the activity or belief, to engage in it with others, to find support or to guide is what our friendships are about.

 

So yes, interests are very important to me.

 

The Rose

[Chicup 41]

One has to find their own way in swinging like anything else. The longer we have swung the more we are open to couples "less like" ourselves but when it comes down to it, almost all of our play partners fit a certain mold. When we have deviated from that type of couple we have been less than satisfied with the results.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I am going through and adding some update responses.

 

This couple that prompted my post finally responded. We invited them to the meet and greet we attended at a bar and grill. They didn't read the invitation until the event was over and never replied to that mail.

 

My thoughts on this form of contact remain solidly BLECH!

 

The Rose