Boundaries crossed now GF wants to breakup

[lwg8tr0514 15]

GF and I have been attending a local swing club here in New Jersey. We had boundaries where she would play with women and men could not have intercourse with her, I was only interested in watching no contact at all. She encouraged me to pursue this fantasy to make it happen, to express myself. We went to the club about a 1/2 dozen times, no incident, she had some same room same sex contact, was fairly r-rated. Saturday we go and we are a little drunk, we head upstairs to the couples room, we see a couple we had talked to downstairs, Us guys are getting blown by our women on a large leather sofa. The girls are groping each others tits and sneaking in a kiss or two. All good so far. GF and I decide to retire to a private room, I invite the couple in, GF makes no objection. Well we all get naked and all manner of things happen on the bed, the guy and I sucking my GF's tits while his wife fingers her, him fingering my GF, etc. I at this point have not touched the other woman. My GF eats his wife from behind while him and I jerkoff and watch. Ok so far so good. Later I am on my back on one side of the bed, GF is blowing me, The other wife on all fours he is fucking her. He leans over and sees my GF ass up in the air and well uses her pussy like a sock puppet, which from her moans and pauses she loves, he is really finger fucking her. Ok my crime, the other wife leans over and kisses me on the mouth, my GF sees but says nothing. MY GF is cumming like crazy and the other wife scoots her head down and sucks my cock for 30 seconds. GF seees this freaks and hops off the bed.

 

Later after a silent ride home she explodes, calls me a cheater, liar, etc. I broke the rules. I know I did, I am so sorry I did. I thought we could calm down talk about it. I explained I had no excuse I got caught up in the moment, I was sorry and we could table swinging forever. She left the car, slammed the door. Three days went by no contact I get a text yesterday.."I do not want to see you anymore, come pick up your stuff, I am heartbroken you threw away a year and my unconditional love." I thought it was a little melodramatic, I again apologized but she would have none of it. Officially as of this AM we are broken up. She has sent me a couple of texts saying how much she has cried, how I disappointed her. She also went into this diatribe about how could a man want to swing, a larger philosophical attack on why I brought her there. I swear guys on a stack of bibles this idea was totally mutual, we talked about it as neausuem, I kept taing her temperature on it. She kept saying how it was naughty, sexy and fun. Obviously she lied and WAS doing it for me under protest. Is it me guys or am I getting the death penalty for a parking ticket here?

[junglecouple 127]

That's truly unfortunate.. sometimes the actual act is too much compared to the fantasy. With any luck, she'll reflect on it and cool down a bit so that you two can talk. You've tried to apologize, but in her head, it doesn't work. Stay calm, and if you still want that relationship, give her a chance to mull it over, hopefully she'll reach out to you.. Just stay open to even a slight tentative olive branch, and be patient.. Good luck.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

That's truly unfortunate.. sometimes the actual act is too much compared to the fantasy. With any luck, she'll reflect on it and cool down a bit so that you two can talk. You've tried to apologize, but in her head, it doesn't work. Stay calm, and if you still want that relationship, give her a chance to mull it over, hopefully she'll reach out to you.. Just stay open to even a slight tentative olive branch, and be patient.. Good luck.

 

Well I am bewildered about this scenario. I can understand breakups , I am a big boy had quite of few, been dumper and dumpee too many times. Our relationship was awesome I thought, but I imagine I hit some deep painful nerve that caused this reaction. If she wants to remain in this stance, fine she was not for me and I was not for her. I would like to discuss it. I am puzzled if you have serious jealousy and control issues wtf agree to go to a swing club. Like taking a dieter to a Crispy Creme and beating them unconscious for licking a doughnut. My swinger friend are advising me run don't walk for this one, you got shit tested royally and failed the worst possible way. Some women shit test, looking for failure in men.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I apologize, but stories like this make me a little nuts. One partner is fine with x, y and z for themselves but the other partner may not do any of that and says he/she is on board with the restrictions. Then, one day/night/weekend we drank a little too much and crossed this unbalanced, artificial line we created and mass drama ensued.

 

The moral of the story, besides "don't drink and swing," that I keep taking away from stuff like this is that unbalanced restrictions require more finesse than a circus act and it would have been easier all around if people used therapy to deal with their fears instead.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I hope you don't mind but I looked at your previous posts and saw that your g/f had gone through an infidelity in a previous relationship. Even though you stated that you both had worked through your previous relationship issues, perhaps she has not really healed from the infidelity she went through. I am not sure if it was your idea, her idea, or a mutual idea to have you just watch while she engages in the fun but I found Julie's response to your first post on the forum to be very forward seeing in your situation:

 

I would be more concerned with what I perceive as a lack of having your boundaries nailed down. Make sure you do get a good handle on your boundaries before you proceed with involving others. Not doing so can lead to disaster in many worse ways than having a few undesirables hit on you.

 

Did you two talk about the rules you have for each other with the other couple? It is your responsibility to share any rules you have and to also enforce them. The other couple isn't in charge of that. Yes, couples vary in their sensitivity and ability to ask before engaging in sex acts with another couple but ultimately, if the rules and boundaries you two set for yourselves are necessary to protect the relationship, then the consequences fall on both of your heads for not being clear with the other couple. However, if you two did talk to the other couple about your rules, then everyone is to blame for going beyond the stated boundaries and not enforcing them.

 

Aside from that, I never really understood the reasoning behind unbalanced rules--the male can swap but the woman can't or vice versa. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, no? And if not, then I would say they shouldn't be doing any swinging.

 

Edit: Also, going from her unwillingness to talk about the situation like an adult, I'd say that she has some maturing to go through in how to deal with relationships and the problems that can and will appear. Walking away and refusing to talk about it for days does not help a relationship at all. And making a one-sided decision that affects more than just herself should make you question her desire to make the relationship work. Swinging and relationships in general require communication to make it work. Relationships are work and if she isn't willing or able to put in the work to make a relationship work, then this problem will continue to pop up for her until she learns to deal with problems like an adult instead of like a child.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

 

Aside from that, I never really understood the reasoning behind unbalanced rules--the male can swap but the woman can't or vice versa. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, no? And if not, then I would say they shouldn't be doing any swinging.

 

Well that is water under the bridge at this point, we had rules I violated them. I make no excuses, I was weak and took liberties. I think this is a self answering question. I am really trying to empathize here with her, but she will not talk to me about it. All I get is the attempts at making me feel guilty, to get me hang myself in the basement over her hurt.

[a_d_xxx 663]

"I do not want to see you anymore, come pick up your stuff, I am heartbroken you threw away a year and my unconditional love."

 

We are only getting your side of this so caveats for that apply. But it sounds like you are not the one throwing anything away at this point, it's her.

 

My sense is that you need to leave her alone, tell her you love her, and you'll be there to talk when she's ready, and then let her stew in her juices until her tantrum is spent. If she decides to throw your relationship away, without dealing with this as an adult, there is nothing you can do about it. It is saddening, and maddening, but I don't think you have much else to work with.

 

D

[lwg8tr0514 15]

We are only getting your side of this so caveats for that apply. But it sounds like you are not the one throwing anything away at this point, it's her.

 

My sense is that you need to leave her alone, tell her you love her, and you'll be there to talk when she's ready, and then let her stew in her juices until her tantrum is spent. If she decides to throw your relationship away, without dealing with this as an adult, there is nothing you can do about it. It is saddening, and maddening, but I don't think you have much else to work with.

 

D

 

I agree with what you said and I am getting on with my life. I was contrite and told her I am here to talk when she is. All I can do. Better to find out at a year as bf/gf than 5 years into a marriage. I really expected more of her, but then again some people love Pyrrhic victories to the detriment of their long term happiness. No more swinging for me, I leaving this one as a fantasy I keep to myself.

[Gordo 618]

Just thank your lucky stars you found out about this before you married her. There is something seriously wrong here (with her) and apologising isn't going to help.

 

"A death sentence for a parking ticket" I'll have to remember that one but it seems apt.

 

I'm with your swinger friends run don't walk away from this one.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sorry, but all I've read from you in this thread and your first one tells me your GF has a huge EGO and thinks everything should be about her or not at all (the uneven boundaries, the wanting to sit back and have people leave you alone until you let them know YOU are interested). All of that says to me that you are better off without her and whether this happened now or later, it was going to happen. If you'd avoided swinging something else would likely have caused a problem ending things and I'm betting it still would have revolved around her getting hers.

[slevin 1,374]

I swear guys on a stack of bibles this idea was totally mutual, we talked about it as neausuem, I kept taing her temperature on it. She kept saying how it was naughty, sexy and fun. Obviously she lied and WAS doing it for me under protest. Is it me guys or am I getting the death penalty for a parking ticket here?

 

Her reaction now doesn't necessarily mean that she wasn't a willing participant all along. In my experience a lot of women need some deniability when it comes to desires like swinging. What I mean by that is, they desire it, but they struggle with the societal pressures to be 'pure' and to not embrace something like swinging. That is a very powerful influence for a lot of women. So there is a chance that she went along with it willingly, but now that you're breaking up she needs to feel like this was your fault so she doesn't view herself as a slut.

 

Or perhaps she was just going along with it. We can't really tell from here without her input, so I'm just throwing out another possibility. Don't beat yourself up too much.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

No more swinging for me, I leaving this one as a fantasy I keep to myself.

 

That is, of course, your choice and you are well within your rights to make it. However, just to toss the idea out there... it sounds to me like this had bugger all to do with swinging and everything to do with your GFs attitude and personal issues. It may be that, with someone more well adjusted, you could have fun swinging. Or not. Who can say. I guess I'm saying don't write off the fantasy entirely. You never know what the future will bring.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I agree with Lionheart72. Never say never. Right now you're feeling the loss of a relationship that you thought was perfect for you.

 

If you deny that this is something that you enjoyed and would love to have again with the right partner then you may not find that 'right' partner and be unhappy, or at least unfulfilled, the rest of your life.

 

Good luck to you either way though and we all hope you get through this and on with your life. Oh, and, I could see her coming back in a month or so and wanting to get back together with new rules. My advice would be to resist the temptation.

[M&S 266]

I think your GF is certainly overreacting. What you did is wrong but understandable. In my view, anyone who swings under a prescribed set of rules needs to make small allowances for minor transgressions. When you are caught up in the moment you can get a little carried away, and as long as you do not fundamentally breach trust, you shoudl be forgiven. If you cannot allow for minor mistakes in the heat of passion, i think you would need to conclude that swinging is not for you, as a couple.

 

I compare it to driving. The speed limit is 60, sometimes you drift up to 65 - no big deal. But getting drunk and driving at 85 - big deal. Your GF needs to be able to distinguish between those two extremes. If she cannot, best stay off of the road.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

I think your GF is certainly overreacting. What you did is wrong but understandable. In my view, anyone who swings under a prescribed set of rules needs to make small allowances for minor transgressions. When you are caught up in the moment you can get a little carried away, and as long as you do not fundamentally breach trust, you shoudl be forgiven. If you cannot allow for minor mistakes in the heat of passion, i think you would need to conclude that swinging is not for you, as a couple.

 

I compare it to driving. The speed limit is 60, sometimes you drift up to 65 - no big deal. But getting drunk and driving at 85 - big deal. Your GF needs to be able to distinguish between those two extremes. If she cannot, best stay off of the road.

 

Well as of this AM still no word from her. I know this is not a realtionship board per se so I wont inflict my relationship drama on the rest of you. I learned a lesson here about the person I want to choose to spend my time and share my heart with. Being with a person who expects perfection and is intolerant of flaws and human foibles is not someone I can spend time with long term. I am a little disappointed in her. I know I transgressed in our agreement but there was no malice or deciet involved. I was a good, loyal, loving, caring, thoughtful BF. I won't do the sour grapes thing but now I know why her past at 45 years is littlered with about dozen failed relationships including a lone 2 year marriage which he walked out and never looked back. I was so stupid not to see the signs. Oh well why they call it dating not marrying.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I know this is not a realtionship board per se so I wont inflict my relationship drama on the rest of you.

 

Actually, we do a lot of relationship discussion here. (As evidenced by my wife's offhand comment of "giving relationship advice again" upon seeing me typing here.)

 

Still, I think you're making the right call. Chalk this up to a learning experience and move on.

[BeStylnIT 114]

Yup, move on. That chick is psycho!

[IEcouple 222]

She's done you a favor. There's no way that this will be the last time she sets arbitrary boundaries for the purpose of controlling. And it won't usually be about sex either.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

She's done you a favor. There's no way that this will be the last time she sets arbitrary boundaries for the purpose of controlling. And it won't usually be about sex either.

 

Well yesterday got a text, I think some of the fury of her anger has abated. Meeting today for lunch to talk and discuss what happened. Really all I kind of wanted, to have a civil conversation away from the heat of acute jealousy and hurt feelings. I was never a peace at any cost kind of guy but I am willing to talk and discuss the issue last week and some of the deeper issues why the situation provoked such a visceral response. I won't accept any browbeating or berating, never have. I chose this relationship and don't need to be in it. Being a successful, educated , reasonably good looking and caring guy I could be in the arms of another woman fairly quickly or choose not be in at all. Can't say I was always like that but lots of therapy, getting over a painful divorce and the help of God made me put romantic relationships in perspective. What will be curious if she can accept it was the half a bottle of rum, the fluidity of the situation and the raw lust in that room that caused some boundaries to be treaded on. I do care for this woman, she has many qualities I am looking for but this last episode has me very concerned. I don't need to swing or engage in unconventional sexuality, this was a fantasy we both wanted to indulge in. I would never sacrifice love or a good relationship over it.

[Gordo 618]

How did the lunch go?

 

One thing I missed in your first post was the fact that HER contact was supposed to be same sex and yet she was getting fingered by the other guy and used like a "sock puppet" by the O.M. before any of your so called violations.

 

So she can break the rules but you are toast if you even have the slightest breach.

 

Seriously I would walk away from this girl she really has some baggage.

[DigginIt 1,132]

How did the lunch go?

 

One thing I missed in your first post was the fact that HER contact was supposed to be same sex and yet she was getting fingered by the other guy and used like a "sock puppet" by the O.M. before any of your so called violations.

 

So she can break the rules but you are toast if you even have the slightest breach.

 

Seriously I would walk away from this girl she really has some baggage.

 

Second this opinion.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I am wondering how lunch went.

[Baron-n-kitty 104]

Im curious how the lunch went as well. I say if we don't hear back from him......send out a search party. Cause going to lunch with a angry bat shit crazy lady....well...ya know. May have stabbed him with a Spork.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

Im curious how the lunch went as well. I say if we don't hear back from him......send out a search party. Cause going to lunch with a angry bat shit crazy lady....well...ya know. May have stabbed him with a Spork.

 

Lunch did not go well, was ambush, she spent an hour haranguing me and sounded more angry than ever, relationship right now in limbo, ehhh wome?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Lunch did not go well, was ambush, she spent an hour haranguing me and sounded more angry than ever, relationship right now in limbo, ehhh wome?

 

I have an impertinent question: Why is your relationship in limbo, rather than over? Your "ehhh women" comment notwithstanding, most of us are not actually unbalanced, unfair or monumentally narcissistic.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I have an impertinent question: Why is your relationship in limbo, rather than over? Your "ehhh women" comment notwithstanding, most of us are not actually unbalanced, unfair or monumentally narcissistic.

 

Seconded. Walk away. Just walk away.

[lwg8tr0514 15]

Well I am in no contact now, it is over. I am moving on and going to get be in a mindset of being single again. Learned a little about myself in all this. Stings like hell now but in a few weeks or months will see this relationship for what it was, I was a good bf until I "went on the carpet", till she lost a little control. My boundary crossing was not about sex, it was about her controlling me.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Where the rules are in the woman's favor and she can break them when she pleases but you can't, I'd say there are big issues.

 

Good luck with something better for you.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Learned a little about myself in all this.

 

Good for you, and best of luck to you. Based on your posts, this does sound like the best outcome for you.

[Syren 15]

We all make mistakes, but her reaction was too extreme, if you stayed with her you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself in the lifestyle.

When someone walks away from you, Let them! Soon they will realize what they had, but by the time they do, you will have moved on.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This situation is a really good example of why I don't feel it's ever a good idea to have un-even rules (one set of rules for one partner, while the other has a different set). When it's all about one person and not the couple, it's not likely to end well.

[lotsoffun201 175]

We all make mistakes, but her reaction was too extreme, if you stayed with her you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself in the lifestyle.

When someone walks away from you, Let them! Soon they will realize what they had, but by the time they do, you will have moved on.

 

Truer words have never been spoken!