Jealousy and swinging

[cpleply 15]

If you have seen some of my other posts, I like to throw questions out there to see responses. This does not mean we have any issues, it means I like forums and discussing things.

 

Have you ever been jealous while in the lifestyle? Why?

 

Is there such a thing as good jealousy in the lifestyle? Perhaps it made your relationship stronger and opened communication more?

[lotsoffun201 175]

We have to agree. There is always going to be "some" jealousy. It's perfectly normal. The difference is how you handle it and how you DON'T show it.

If you're going to flip out and create a scene....do it privately.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Interestingly, jealousy/envy seems to be hard-wired into biology. Humans exhibit envy early on during development...for example, kids worrying about who has more toys, who got more Christmas presents and so on. Other primates--chimpanzees for example--become angry when a trainer gives less of a 'reward' for performing a task than that chimp observes another chimp receiving for the same activity. Mental health workers bring up the affect of shame in connection with jealousy: shame is inner-directed and reflects an internal evaluation that "I am not good enough". What we in the LS call "drama" is outer-directed rage but may also come from the same sort of internal evaluation that "I am not good enough".

 

What SabrinaSwings said two posts up is precisely on target. When the jealousy/drama axis is active, someone is not feeling good about themselves. Moreover, swinging is by definition a consensual activity for couples, and therefore the emergence of jealousy/rage behavior can often mean that one partner perceives a lack of respect/affection/support from the other.

 

Whether in yourself, in your partner or in others, when encountering jealousy or drama, it can be illuminating to get into that person's frame of mind and ask "how and why is that person feeling that they are somehow inadequate in the face of their own inner judge?". Re-read SabrinaSwings' list of examples, add your own, and ask yourself the "how is this person/couple feeling inadequate before the inner judge" question.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I tend to agree that those that use Swinging as a hobby will have some jealousy at times. Human nature for some but not all.

 

Those of us that have spent pretty much their whole life around this as a Lifestyle I feel live it without the feeling of jealousy.

 

I can not recall ever being jealous of Laura partying to hanging out with other people in a sexual manner. I can remember a few years back of being pissed off, maybe jealous when she went on this kick of playing a computer game from morning until bedtime for a couple months. Sure glad she got over that one.

 

We see jealousy from people all the time at the parties and many times I honestly believe most of those people have no business at all of experimenting with Swinging.

[LFM2 1,482]

cpleply said:

Have you ever been jealous while in the lifestyle? Why?

 

SabrinaSwings said:

If someone tells me they've never been jealous in the lifestyle, I honestly don't believe them.

 

Dictionary.com

 

jeal·ous·y

[jel-uh-see] Show IPA

noun, plural jeal·ous·ies for 4.

1.

jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2.

mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3.

vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4.

a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

 

Can be confused: envy, jealousy (see synonym study at envy).

 

 

You can believe me or not, but I don't recall ever being jealous that Dave was with another woman. There have been other emotions, but I can't recall a time I've ever been jealous.

 

Our first time, you'd think there would be jealousy. There wasn't. I was in awe, however. I LOVED watching him with her. It was like a birds-eye view of what I'd been missing. It was just so cool to watch him in action. I have to admit, I really wasn't paying any attention to his playmate.

 

I have been frustrated at times because he's having a helluva time with her and my partner can't seem to get things started. Maybe it is more envious-ness (which as stated above, can be confused with jealousy) I was feeling. There is a whole gamut of feelings one goes through when swinging. I've been "proud" that he's given some women some mighty fine times. I think in the back of mind, "Yeah, he's mine and I get that ALL the time!". Happy is another emotion. I'm pretty much happy all the time, though. My greatest emotion is love. I love that he enjoys himself. Isn't that why some of you swing?

 

Dave isn't my rival. He's my partner and I love him. I wouldn't be jealous of him because he's enjoying himself. That's what we got into swinging for. For each of us to explore and have fun. Let him have a good time with a blond, a redhead, or a brunette. He's never been unfaithful. I've just never had a reason to be jealous. He's always going to come home with me. I'm the lucky one that gets to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, clean the toilet after he's used it and clean up after him in the kitchen.

 

What more can a woman want?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

Interestingly, jealousy/envy seems to be hard-wired into biology. Humans exhibit envy early on during development...for example, kids worrying about who has more toys, who got more Christmas presents and so on. Other primates--chimpanzees for example--become angry when a trainer gives less of a 'reward' for performing a task than that chimp observes another chimp receiving for the same activity.

 

I spent a number of years working with preschool age children and only once met one who was jealous or envious. Instead, their ire was raised by unfairness (something small children apparently share with chimpanzees), which they almost universally dealt with by saying so to the person committing the unfair acts. I only met one child who got angry at the other child when she perceived an imbalance, although if their first argument to the adult failed, a sizable minority would try to negotiate directly with the child who appeared to have more (most children are well into the primary grades before they believe that a short, fat glass holds as much as a tall, skinny glass, even when they see you measure it out).

 

Yes, that's all anecdotal, but I'll stack my years and sample size against any short term study and say that jealousy and envy are actually quite rare in small children, which would argue that it's learned behavior rather than something hard wired.

 

 

If someone tells me they've never been jealous in the lifestyle, I honestly don't believe them.

 

It's not uncommon to assume that our own responses are universal, but people have a wide variety of reactions to the same stimuli and it's extremely unlikely that any of us respond to anything in such a way that every other person will share our feelings, reactions or motivations. That's true here as well.

 

I'm with LFM2, except for the part about cleaning the toilet. If you can write your name in the snow, you can also not miss, so if any missing happens, the man missing cleans it. Mr. Doe and I are partners and there is something about seeing him with someone else that makes me love him even more intensely than almost anything else. Plus, he goes home with me. The idea that I would also be jealous just makes my brain hurt.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Envy yes. Jealousy no. I've never felt jealous when it came to my partner and swinging. I have at times seen couples who seem to connect better with others than we do, or more specifically another couple connecting with a cpl we like and felt envious. But that is a different thing.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Why would I feel jealous? My wife always comes home with me every night. It's the other guys who should feel jealous of me.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Jealousy? No. Envy? Maybe. Trepidation? Yes.

 

I have never been the jealous type. In fact it was a point of contention in our marriage for years. My wife equated the lack of jealousy with a lack of caring, but that issue has long since been resolved.

 

I have described, in previous post, a tarball of emotions that I felt the first few times I saw my wife with another man. I have never fully understood what that emotion was, it was more like a combination of emotions all balled up in one. Sort of like a camera flash going off in your face, a bit disorienting but over in a second. It was a combination of trepidation (oh no, what have I done), exhilaration, awe, love pride, happiness, and perhaps some guilt and a pang of jealousy. I am not sure because it was too complex to sort out into nice neat distinct emotions. It quickly gave way to the excitement and joy of seeing my wife have a great experience.

 

The most predominant negative emotion I have in swinging is probably envy. Things are flipped in the swinging world for my wife and I. IN the vanilla world social interaction is a breeze for me and she is more intraverted. In the lifestyle she is a natural socially and I am a bit more guarded. I do envy that to some degree. But jealous of her being with another man? Sorry if don't believe me Sabrina, but no.

[Guest Paradisepair]

Two times I have experienced jealousy - both when the male of the couple had finished up too fast while my man was still going (and going) with their female - and performance-wise it wasn't a fair swap. And both of those times those girls had been very vocal about how great they thought my bloke was (he's so goodlooking, etc. etc).

 

We've talked about those 2 occasions a lot and I think the unbalanced play was the real factor but the rabbiting on about how hot MrParadise was was like salt on the wound.

 

We learnt from those experiences and he's primed now to make sure I'm not twiddling my thumbs if it ever happens again. That his priority is me, and that she'll have to pay the price and sit on the sideline instead of me if her husband plays that way.

 

Other than that - there's been no jealousy at all on my side.

[Chicup 41]

Two times I have experienced jealousy - both when the male of the couple had finished up too fast while my man was still going (and going) with their female - and performance-wise it wasn't a fair swap. And both of those times those girls had been very vocal about how great they thought my bloke was (he's so goodlooking, etc. etc).

 

We've talked about those 2 occasions a lot and I think the unbalanced play was the real factor but the rabbiting on about how hot MrParadise was was like salt on the wound.

 

We learnt from those experiences and he's primed now to make sure I'm not twiddling my thumbs if it ever happens again. That his priority is me, and that she'll have to pay the price and sit on the sideline instead of me if her husband plays that way.

 

Other than that - there's been no jealousy at all on my side.

 

Wow that looks like a drama bomb waiting to happen.

 

There have been times I've been done first and times where the other guy was while the wife had to twiddle her thumbs. Luckily we realize that its not always going to be 100% even the same every time we play, even with the same couple.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

It is a wonderful thing when you get as much pleasure from seeing your SO pleasured. No matter who finishes first everyone is happy when they all have that attitude.

 

Seems strange to me on another level as well, even if I have "finished" and my wife and the other man are still going at it, that doesn't mean the lady I am with is finished, and there are other ways to please her, which I am more than happy to do.

 

Frankly, I like it when everyone involved likes to see their partner in action and being pleasured. It makes things even more fun with the ebb and flow of sexual encounters. You don't fell like you have to keep to a schedule. One may like foreplay someone else less, does that mean we need to finish together? Not to mention there is finishing and then there is intermission, then there is just catching your breath (depending on who you are playing with it can get rather aerobic.)

[willyoats 324]

I never felt anything that could be called jealousy. What I felt when my wife was with another man (and I did not have a partner at the same time) was a feeling of needing to know what they were doing. That's much more like curiosity than jealousy, I suppose. Was I missing something? Did I have a need to see her having a good time? Who knows?

 

When I was with another woman at the same time my wife was playing, whether she was in the same or a separate room, I never gave a thought to what she was doing. I was too into my partner to care what was going on elsewhere.

 

Like somebody said above, she always came home with me. Why should I be jealous when there is that lovely a result?

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I began feeling jealous when I thought my wife might be falling in love with one of her playmates. It made me try harder to please her in and out of bed. It was a good thing for her but it didn't feel good to me. I think in general jealousy is not a good thing. You should feel confident in your relationship. I'm sure a lot of people think more about the physical part when they decide to try swinging, swapping, whatever and not about the emotional side of having great sex with someone.