Perspective that Kissing is too intimate?

[ownerspet 506]

Ok seeing as some are ok with having sex with playmates outside their marriage partner, but somehow kissing is more intimate. I struggle to grasp the logic of this perspective. So I wanted to put 2 situations out there that some (including me because I don't understand the perspective of "I will have sex but don't kiss because kissing is more intimate) will consider ridiculous.

 

Situation 1# If kissing is more intimate: In conversations about dating, my parents should have said to me as a teenager," I prefer you not kiss, make out, have intercourse, or engage in oral sex, but son it is most important to save kissing for someone you want intimacy with. If put in a situation son, where you have to do one or the other, just have sex and whatever you do don't kiss the girl." Son says, "But dad!" Dad says, "No buts just stick to intercourse and oral sex, but no kissing! And that's final"

 

Situation 2# When dating, most people work up to kissing and then work up to sex, with kissing coming before sex (because I think most people view sex as more involved or intimate part of the self than kissing). If kissing is more intimate with someone, do they hang out until sex is comfortable between he or she and the other, while sustaining from kissing? Then after they know that they are sexually compatible, and only then do they share the perceived higher level intimacy of kissing?

 

My question is ridiculous, but would these two situations be realistic in the lives of those that have sex with playmates but kissing is not allowed? I just never have understood this perspective?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

It's an interesting question and I like your situations. I hope those who think kissing is too intimate to engage in with swing partners will chime in, because I'd like to understand.

 

Our most recent brush was with a couple where only she played. Kissing was forbidden because it hurt him, but he was fine arranging gangbangs for her. Not judging, but my brain very nearly ground to a halt working on that one.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I don't get it either. The places people draw lines is often baffling to me, but I try to respect them. That said, if someone has a no kissing rule, we are out. During sex, foreplay at least, kissing is like breathing, I would trust myself not to break that rule with a partner. It is one thing to have no anal, must wear condom, etc., no difficulty remembering those rules. But no kissing - forget about it.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Strange coincidence that you should raise this question at this time. Just a couple of days ago, we read in a reply from a couple who wanted to meet us that they had a rule about kissing.

 

Anyway, here's my take. Some men have learned from their Dad, who had learned from their Dads, who had learned from their Dads that you kiss your wife but you don't kiss your whore -- too intimate for the whore. Unhappily, somehow lifestyle fuck-buddy mistakenly becomes confused with whore.

[oc1234 435]

My feeling is that I enjoy kissing women, but I would not enjoy having sex with a woman that I have not kissed.

[exploringRM 305]

I don't understand it either, was hoping to see the "no kissing" side in a response. I only had one interaction (I think it was a chat session) with couple that did not kiss. They were interested in us but we replied no. I don't recall if it was in the initial reply or later when it was know that was the deal breaker. He become very annoyed in chat with me that we would not meet. I know you generally do not give a reason for no interest but I feel if it's something specific (bi-girl play required, no-kissing or some other thing) called out in their profile I will mention that.

[drinnt 201]

Great topic! I find that people who had this restriction that I knew it was all about compartmentalization for them. Like some how if there was no kissing then they could "deal" with the intimacy of everything else.

 

There was one girl I knew for a while that told me all the time kissing was for her sweetie and that other stuff was okay. Well, as I got to know her over time we got closer and one night at a club we found ourselves kissing. We had never played prior to that. That was weird for me because after what she told me I had to ask myself was she now falling in love with me? I knew she was not but clearly what happened was that she accepted me and grew comfortable enough with me to trust me past her boundaries. So I have come to realize that the no kissing thing is just people being people and working to protect themselves from what they consider a threat of some sort. People are just doing what they have to do for themselves to deal with the intensity of these experiences.

 

I could never swing without kissing, for me the chemistry is in the kiss. I don't care about having sex with anyone unless I have that mind blowing kiss me now chemistry. I'm not everyone and clearly I'm not FOR everyone so like these folks that don't kiss I stick to playing with those who work for me and my turn ons..

[FL_Stylin 18]

Great thread and great discussion. Count me also as someone who does not understand it. We have never encountered it either, but I have seen it mentioned here on swingersboard several times. No kissing but oral and fucking is ok? No idea how that works...

[angelkin 1,326]

I agree with drinnit that the 'no kissing' rule seems to be a wall of some sort - a way to compartmentalize things. We've never met a couple that didn't kiss and if a profile mentions it, we are no longer interested. For us, it's an essential part of sex and without it, we wouldn't have as much fun.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We concur with angelkin. Kissing is so much a part of the pleasure.

[ownerspet 506]

I totally agree that kissing is necessary for me at least for a barometer to determine interest prior to inquiring about more involved sexual activity. I too like some of the responders thus far, was hoping for clarification from those with the "no kissing" restriction.

[LFM2 1,482]

SW_PA_Couple said:

Anyway, here's my take. Some men have learned from their Dad, who had learned from their Dads, who had learned from their Dads that you kiss your wife but you don't kiss your whore -- too intimate for the whore. Unhappily, somehow lifestyle fuck-buddy mistakenly becomes confused with whore.

 

And that me think of the movie "Pretty Woman" with Julia Roberts. Her character said that kissing was too intimate. I'm still wondering why. Is it easy to remove the intimacy from intercourse, yet not from kissing? Maybe it's because even a failed attempt or horrible kiss stays on your mind which says, even when it is meaningless and barely memorable, we link some emotional significance to kissing.

 

A little research: Intimacy and Kissing

 

Quote

Kissing is a very intimate act. It creates too great a sense of closeness, a commitment that they do not want to make. Prostitutes often do not kiss their clients for this reason. They simply avoid it. Kissing is the first sensual act we learn. We kiss our parents and our children. So can become the most intimate sensual act, whereas during sexual intercourse we can detach ourselves from the experience. It becomes simply a physical act rather than an act of connection to our partner.

 

 

Have You REALLY Kissed Your Spouse Lately?

 

You might want to read the whole thing, but I found this little tidbit interesting.

Quote

But when I thought about it more, I realized that Dr. Scantling was absolutely right. What can be more sensual, more expressive, more intimate than a kiss? In fact, shortly after I read Dr. Scantling's column on kissing, I read a Chicago Tribune interview with someone described as a "lifestyle coach for swingers" (interesting job title), who said that the number one ground rule for swingers' parties is No Kissing. "It's just too intimate" for even swingers to handle, the coach explained.

 

Hmmmm.... I guess I don't get it either.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I guess I don't have a problem expressing myself sensually and focusing on my partner. I want a level of intimacy there.

 

But it's not the kind you keep forever. Its a moment and you let it pass into memory.

 

I guess others don't see it that way.

[sparkstar 128]

Kissing passionately is half the pleasure during sex. I dont get how anyone can have sex without it or much of it.

You kiss anyone who you are attracted with like on a dance floor or in a bar after a chat.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

For me personally I felt a stronger emotional feeling from kissing a woman than I ever did from having sexual intercourse with her. I can have sexual intercourse with a woman and not have any special feelings for her but there is something about the connection made from a great kiss or kissing moment.

[PB&J 1,086]

This seems appropriate here: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/05/20/leaning-in

[Chicup 41]

I think some couples want to have something "just for them" and since we are having sex, something like "no kissing" makes some sense to me.

 

We never had that rule but we played with a couple that did, they finally gave that one up and they were both awful kissers it seems.

 

Oddly it seems that at lot of people are better at sex than kissing.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

PB&J said:

This seems appropriate here: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/05/20/leaning-in

 

I love this. The suggestion that kissing could be regulated like other enjoyable (but legal) vices gave me a big smile.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

"lifestyle coach for swingers" (interesting job title), who said that the number one ground rule for swingers' parties is No Kissing."

 

I have never heard that rule at party, EVER. From some individuals, yes.

 

But even if I had heard it in that context, I would never consider it the number one rule by a long shot. No, means no, springs to mind as number one for a party and in general. I guess becoming a "lifestyle swingers coach" (whatever the hell that is) does not require much knowledge of or experience in swinging.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

PB&J said:

This seems appropriate here: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/05/20/leaning-in

 

HUH!? To many WTF!? moments while reading that article.

 

I've never encountered a party that had a no kissing rule... just lots of couples (and the # seems to be growing in recent years). That's one party I'd avoid altogether.

 

As for the Kissing Monitor... really!?

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Ok seeing as some are ok with having sex with playmates outside their marriage partner, but somehow kissing is more intimate. I struggle to grasp the logic of this perspective. So I wanted to put 2 situations out there that some (including me because I don't understand the perspective of "I will have sex but don't kiss because kissing is more intimate) will consider ridiculous.

 

Situation 1# If kissing is more intimate: In conversations about dating, my parents should have said to me as a teenager," I prefer you not kiss, make out, have intercourse, or engage in oral sex, but son it is most important to save kissing for someone you want intimacy with. If put in a situation son, where you have to do one or the other, just have sex and whatever you do don't kiss the girl." Son says, "But dad!" Dad says, "No buts just stick to intercourse and oral sex, but no kissing! And that's final"

 

Situation 2# When dating, most people work up to kissing and then work up to sex, with kissing coming before sex (because I think most people view sex as more involved or intimate part of the self than kissing). If kissing is more intimate with someone, do they hang out until sex is comfortable between he or she and the other, while sustaining from kissing? Then after they know that they are sexually compatible, and only then do they share the perceived higher level intimacy of kissing?

 

My question is ridiculous, but would these two situations be realistic in the lives of those that have sex with playmates but kissing is not allowed? I just never have understood this perspective?

 

We agree with your premise and have never understood how someone would think that a sexual act is somehow "less intimate" than kissing?

 

However, although we may not understand why, some people DO feel that way and we respect them.

[NYFlirts 158]

We started out with the no-kissing rule, but broke it once we felt comfortable with each other, what we were doing, and with the right couple.

 

We FULLY respect others who have this rule and definitely don't hold it against them.

 

What DID bother us was one couple that vehemently swore they did not kiss and it was a SUPER passionate thing just between them. Over and over they stressed this rule. 5 minutes into the full swap I look up and the supposedly strict NO KISS husband is kissing my wife (to which she quickly pulls away). So much for their rule. We were SUPER tempted to say something to her about it, but left it alone.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Which one of them was really SUPER against it?

 

The Rose

[gspotlicker6964 65]

Well....Don't we all separate Love and sex? When we started in the lifestyle we thought kissing was SUCH a loving act that we would save it for each other. We loved the romanticism of saving something for just us.

 

That boundary lasted for about 3 minutes into our very first encounter. lol... We were kissing like teenagers after the prom!!! Just try having sex without kissing. Kind of like, "just the tip, honey. I'll only put the tip in".....

[Sunnyexbrit 1]

This is a good topic, and something I had been thinking about recently. For example, I know of a couple who have a "no kissing" rule. I cannot bend my mind around this. Her husband will kiss her after she's taken a strangers cock in her mouth and god knows where else, yet she can't kiss the third wheel ! Insane rationalization, which I think is all about maintaining some sort of control...because all relationships are about control.

[Gordo 618]

I don't understand it either. Kissing is great and a fantastic way of starting the juices flowing. But then I can remember a lady who in the middle of foreplay stopped me from going down on her saying that was far too intimate (after she sucked me).

 

Lots of people have weird ideas and some of them are actually FUN!

[NYFlirts 158]

We've been on all sides of this and at the end of the day we've come to realize everyone has "different" stuff they like and stuff they don't like. I don't understand why some people love feet and they probably don't understand how when we first stared in the lifestyle we only did oral with condoms.

 

Sure we don't understand each other's likes / dislikes, but we realize a big part of this hobby is just rolling with what everyone's preferences are.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We started out with the no-kissing rule, but broke it once we felt comfortable with each other, what we were doing, and with the right couple.

 

We FULLY respect others who have this rule and definitely don't hold it against them.

 

Ditto here. We started out the same way, and while it took awhile for her to get comfortable with the idea, once it happened she later admitted it was a silly rule and she had no problems with it. Now on to eliminating the next rule...

[miacpl30 18]

Ditto here. We started out the same way, and while it took awhile for her to get comfortable with the idea, once it happened she later admitted it was a silly rule and she had no problems with it. Now on to eliminating the next rule...

 

We are in the same boat. Early on wife was really jealous when i was making out with woman. We took a while off and recently gotten much more in ls. Other night at meet greet she was kissing guy while i kissed the wife. The next am i tell her that i guess kissing this is not really a rule anymore and she just smiled. .

[81lizard69 470]

I feel bad. Nah we had that rule for about two hours. We kept the kissing to ourselves. Till I was laid back on a bed while one girl was sucking on me. Another girl came up and laid across me and had me suck her boobies and then kissed me. I was helpless to stop her. lol. Sometimes in the throes of passion you get throw-ed. lol err kissed

[slowride 27]

Perhaps just respect a couples rule to not kiss. It's their reasons and to say you don't understand is fine but it's kind I like saying I don't know why that person likes the color red when I like the color blue and I don't get it.

 

Why do some not like and participate in anal sex, I don't get it? In the end it doesn't matter, play, don't play with them, your choice. For some kissing is very personal and face to face and one needs to become comfortable with it. I think most give up the no kissing rule in time but until then it's what they need do to play and progress.

[NYFlirts 158]

I've always found it ironic that in a lifestyle where we all wish everyone out of the lifestyle was respectful of what we choose to and not to do, that many people IN the lifestyle tend to still be judgmental of what people in the lifestyle do and don't do.

 

Sure, I may not understand or agree that your favorite color is different than mine, but I respect that's totally your preference and it's all good unless you try to belittle my choice in colors and/or force me to change my color to yours.

 

Everyone is at different places at different times and it adds some fun spice to things. Sure it can be frustrating when you want to full-swap with a soft-swap couple or make out with a non-kissing couple, but compared to our lives before the lifestyle, anything is pretty damn fun and amazing!

[PB&J 1,086]

I can't believe that I haven't yet posted here my motto on one site... "If I can't kiss you, you can't fuck me!"

 

Our second LS experience was with a no-kissing soft-swap couple. (Oh, wait, girls could kiss girls) Yeah, good times. Back then, with little experience, we weren't sure what to think. Now, we would run awaaaaay. It is simply not our thing. Some of my most delightful memories in the last 6 years of swinging have been of deep, passionate kissing.

[Chicup 41]

Honestly I'd be more likely to balk on a couple with a no oral sex rule than a no kissing rule.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Honestly I'd be more likely to balk on a couple with a no oral sex rule than a no kissing rule.

 

Giving? Receiving? Which direction? We haven't met any couples yet with a no oral rule.