Alternatives to Single Men For MFM?

[Guest TigerMan]

I told my wife this past weekend that I was interested in swinging and that I thought it would be exciting to do a threesome with another man. After the initial shock wore off, lol, I can tell she has warmed up to the idea. We are thinking of going to the Hedo Farm (York, PA) in the latter part of June. Now for the conundrum, we both agree that a man in an established relationship would be the ideal candidate. I hate to generalize, but we both believe that Single men have a bigger weirdo factor and also pose more health risks. However, we do realize that it would be unfair to want the guy from a couple and not include the wife. Full swaps are out of the question as my wife has stated that she could not handle seeing me with another woman. I'm ok with that (for now :-) as I knew she was always the more jealous one and think I would be very excited by a MFM anyway. Any advise from you experienced players on the best way to approach this?

[Chicup 41]

Some couples will "allow" asymmetric swapping so to speak. You need to find one of those. Be a bit wary on the net if you use adds though, often a cheating husband will claim to be in such a relationship. I'd try to get female verification first.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I am fine with my husband playing with other couples in an mfm situation and he lets me play as a unicorn in fmf situations.

 

I would not be ok with him playing with you, though. I think uneven, jealous swinging leads to problems. It is a huge red flag to me. I will not play with anyone who is only looking for fmf play for the same reason. They don't have to be willing to play with my husband in particular, they just have to have an openness to sharing. I think your wife should work on her jealousy before having an mfm.

 

There are countless posts about this type of uneven play being hot in the short term and then the primary relationship going up in flames.

[lotsoffun201 175]

There are plenty of couples that play separately or have hall passes. If the passes are verified, its safer to go with a couple when the male plays alone. We are in agreement about the "weirdo" factor but only because in our opinion, most singles don't know proper etiquette. We have had issues with singles in the past, both male and female. We have some unfulfilled scenarios we wish to pursue which require a "single" We have been looking just like you have for a single but will only go with a couple that play separate

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Let me just say, don't write off single guys out of hand. While we have encountered a few weirdos, the overwhelming majority of single males we've met have been polite, courteous and genuinely respectful. I think it depends entirely on the pool of single guys you are drawing from.

 

That said, let me agree funcoupledayton and amplify on her point. If you are actually doing what your joking statement indicates and playing along with your wife's restrictions only in the hopes that she will loosen up and change her mind, you are heading for a potential disaster. There are couples where only one member plays, both enjoy it and it is actually balanced and fair - because that is the balance they choose and prefer. More often than not, my wife will play and I will watch and that's fine because we're both participating at the level of our desire and comfort. But if that isn't where you are, don't do this. Seriously, don't.

[Guest TigerMan]

It seems to me that it could be problematic if I wasn't involved, however she has no interest spending time with other men alone. If she did, I would say there was already an existing problem. Keep in mind this was my idea and she would want me to be actively involved from screening and setting the rules right through playing lead dog in the room. It would be different if she was out working the dance floor and flirting while I was sitting at the bar with the singles. That's something neither of us want.

[Guest TigerMan]

Lionheart, rereading my post, I don't think I addressed your comment completely. My remark was more in fun then anything. I would not be doing this just in the hope that I could eventually start messing around with other women. If it happens, fine, if not, I still think it would be fun just playing around with wife and another. Also, keep in mind this is something we would only do rarely. Lots of other things going on in our life.

 

Dayton, your comment raised an interesting discussion with the Mrs. about jealousy. To be honest, I'm not sure we can go because she is telling me that she is worried that she could get confrontational with an aggressive female, yikes! What's so crazy about all this is my wife is this cute, petite blonde that otherwise is very laid back and friendly yet she is the one that could get us tossed out for an over reaction to an advance. I can see the headline in the local newspaper now; mother of 4, elementary school teacher, arrested for causing scene at swingers club, LOL!!!

[M1F2KTJ 473]

There are plenty of frustrated married men out there. Is it wrong for them to "cheat"? Is it wrong for them to be in a relationship where his wife is no longer interested in sex? These guys will be interested in a "no breakfast" relationship. They are usually safe unless they have resorted to paying for playing. They still love their wives but need the sex that they aren't getting.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

There are plenty of frustrated married men out there. Is it wrong for them to "cheat"?

 

Yes.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

There are plenty of frustrated married men out there. Is it wrong for them to "cheat"? Is it wrong for them to be in a relationship where his wife is no longer interested in sex?

 

When their wives find out (and they usually do), will they go with a scorched earth divorce, and drag you into court as well? Depending on the state, will you get hit with an "alienation of affection" lawsuit on top of it?

 

Their sexless marriage is their problem. We prefer to leave it that way.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

? . . Is it wrong for them to "cheat"? . . .

In a word, yes. It's ethically wrong and, as another has pointed out, it has the potential to get you involved in a situation you would truly regret.

[Guest TigerMan]

I don't think we would be comfortable with a husband that is having marital issues (sexual or otherwise). We would want someone that has a good relationship with their spouse and was fully aware. Keep in mind this requirement has to do with the screening process and a man in a good, long term relationship (like us) can minimize a lot of potential negative personality traits found in men. Taking this one step further, we would be even more comfortable with a couple that has kids.

 

In regard to the subject matter of my first post, a follow up question. What about including the wife, but in a way where she is with her husband. I am guessing that would open the door to more couples.

 

two4you, great worse case scenario, really shoes how wrong it can go with a bad selection.

[junglecouple 127]

There are plenty of frustrated married men out there. Is it wrong for them to "cheat"? Is it wrong for them to be in a relationship where his wife is no longer interested in sex? These guys will be interested in a "no breakfast" relationship. They are usually safe unless they have resorted to paying for playing. They still love their wives but need the sex that they aren't getting.

 

The part of your statement "unless they have resorted to paying" is certainly misleading.. No professional escort will allow penetration without a condom.. now if your talking about street corner hustlers, that's different.. I'd be much more concerned about swing couples that play without protection, and who THOSE people have played with.. but a professional escort watches out for herself, and her RW mate. If the wife really doesn't want to have sex, she could even help pick the play mate.. and YES, it's cheating.. We don't play with 1/2 of a married couple, no matter what the wife says.. even if it's not cheating to them, it IS to us.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Dayton, your comment raised an interesting discussion with the Mrs. about jealousy. To be honest, I'm not sure we can go because she is telling me that she is worried that she could get confrontational with an aggressive female, yikes! What's so crazy about all this is my wife is this cute, petite blonde that otherwise is very laid back and friendly yet she is the one that could get us tossed out for an over reaction to an advance. I can see the headline in the local newspaper now; mother of 4, elementary school teacher, arrested for causing scene at swingers club, LOL!!!

 

Women who are drinking in swing environments can get frisky at times. I think it would be best for you to keep this all as a fantasy. There are few things worse than cute, petite girls crying and fighting. It really wrecks a sexy environment for everyone and makes you as a couple look ridiculous.

 

I also think that if she feels that jealous it is not right to bring a guy into the mix. What if you are not jealous and she determines it is because you don't love her enough? What if she is a jealous person because she is very prone to becoming emotionally attached to sex partners and she falls in love with your third (ie. she is projecting her issues onto you because she can't separate love and sex)?

[Guest TigerMan]

Seriously Dayton, you have zero background about my relationship other then the fact my wife is not comfortable with the idea of sharing me sexually after thinking about it for a whole week yet you have two negative posts with projections of relationship destruction. We have been married for 15 years, dated/known each other for another 10; we have 4 kids and share a very close bond- we can talk about anything. Our sex life is excellent. If you think that all that would be thrown to the wayside over some chance encounter between us and a third party, you don't know nearly as much as you think you do. In fact, some of your comments are down right ridiculous and wreak of hokum psychology. Please assume if I ask anymore questions that they are not directed to you.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Please assume if I ask anymore questions that they are not directed to you.

Really? You've asked for advice in an open forum. You are receiving advice. Apparently you are not hearing what you have hoped to hear. I suppose if you wait long enough, you will.

[Guest TigerMan]

Like lionheats? He also voiced concern and I didn't have any problem with what he said because it was done in a sincere, constructive manner.

 

Funny how you just ignore those posts. Seems that you are the one interested in hearing what you want to hear.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

After reading through your posts here, I have to agree that I would advise you away from the idea of swinging. It's not so much that it's asymmetrical - there are plenty of couples out there where only one really plays for a variety of reasons. It's mostly because you have voiced (that your wife has voiced) a potential for jealousy on her part if a woman is "aggressive" towards you... in other words, it sounds to me that if a woman even approached you and flirted with you that she would get pissed off. This may not cause your relationship harm in the long run, I honestly believe you when you say you have a strong relationship and can talk about anything. I think you would talk through it and be fine. Then issue is more the potential for drama that you would likely bring upon others if she were to have the negative reaction (that she seems to think she will have) if a woman comes onto you... and it's just as likely that a woman will come onto you as it is that a guy will come onto her, especially if you are a swing club and trying to find half of a couple to play with you.

 

Now to address your original question. I, personally, believe that the fears towards single males are unfounded and that dealing with couples (or half a couple) is just as dangerous in every way as dealing with singles. There are plenty of couples who play without protection, or who don't choose their playmates wisely, who may have STDs without knowing it (or while knowing it), just as much as with couples. The potential for drama is higher when dealing with couples, for some of the reasons I've already stated above.

[Guest TigerMan]

Thanks for the input Julie......you know, I really just overstated my wife's potential reaction for some levity. My last comment regarding getting tossed, arrested ect. was definitely a tongue and cheek thing (no pun intended ). That's just my sense of humor sometimes and I do realize without knowing us or seeing facial expression/demeanor, it can get lost in a forum, but in all sincerity wife would be hard pressed to make a scene; that's just not her. We have talked about this further and she does realize I would be hit on and we agree there is nothing wrong with a friendly exchange. I guess the concern is a drunk female getting really our of line with a good old fashion crotch grab, boob facial or tongue down the throat .

 

In regard to the singles question, I am kind of glad to hear your comments. It does seem that a single would just fit our plan better and give us more options. We really want to keep the socializing to a minimum with the third party and that would be harder to accomplish with a couple.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

The advice that is given by experienced board members like funcoupledayton is not solely based on the information provided by the person asking the question. It is also based on personal experience, as well as previous situations and threads we've dealt with on the board over the years. So, while the particulars of your relationship will cause your mileage to vary, the advice is based on dealing with very similar situations many times on the board.

 

I really just overstated my wife's potential reaction for some levity. My last comment regarding getting tossed, arrested ect. was definitely a tongue and cheek thing (no pun intended ). That's just my sense of humor sometimes and I do realize without knowing us or seeing facial expression/demeanor, it can get lost in a forum, but in all sincerity wife would be hard pressed to make a scene; that's just not her.

 

Yes, you are correct. Statements like yours can fail to translate on a forum, especially when members have made similar statements in all sincerity when asking for advice. My solution is a liberal use of emoticons when I'm making a statement for levity.

[RunSilentRunDee 127]

Hi, folks. I'm a married guy, ENM (Ethically Non Monogamous), who doesn't meet the definition of a "swinger" because my wife doesn't want to engage in couple-based activities.

 

I have read people's excellent responses here. Tigerman, I won't pretend to know anything significant about your situation. But I do want to echo the responses of Chicup & Funcoupledayton. If you go for a male who is a member of a couple, do indeed verify that his partner is good with it.

 

Not merely "good" with it, not merely "fine" or "OK" or "whatever," but *good* with it. *On board* with it. *Behind* it. Not just "OK" but "supporting" and wholly *agreeing*.

 

Don't take his word for it. Take hers, preferably face to face. Both you and your wife.

 

Check her body language as well as her verbal language. Your wife will probably be able to "read" her better than you can.

 

This is how my wife and I practice ENM -- this is how we verify another person, and how we make sure they verify us -- and this is how I recommend that you do it.

 

Best wishes,

 

RunSilent RunDeep