Advice from the women on being with other men

[au022 15]

Hello!

 

This is Christy, my hubby is Allen. We have recently joined the board, and I am glad we did. We have been reading alot of the faq's and other threads. And I have read through the posts that Allen made. Thanks to all of you! I am learning so much.

 

I am looking for advice from the women on here. Allen and I discussed this so much, me being with other men. It took me a long time to really accept his sincerity about it, that he really wanted this for me, for us. At first, I was suspicious that it might be a "tit-for-tat" thing, I play he plays. But over time, his sincerity was evident and I am know now that me playing is what he wants, and in no way obligates me to reciprocate. That is a tremendous sense of freedom to me, and is the main reason why I am now really wanting to pursue this.

 

BTW - not that I would never let him play, in the future, if we get to that place. But for now, as we begin, I need the freedom of knowing it is limited to me with others right now. And, Allen wants this too.

 

There is one thing that still concerns me. We are so into this right now, but I wonder what emotions and feelings we may deal with afterward, things we don't even know are there yet. We have discussed it so much, and I feel we are secure and ready. But I was wondering if any of you had any unexpected issues after the first time?

 

Also, ladies, how do you enjoy the sex with other men while ensuring that hubby remains secure and not threatened? How do you give yourself the freedom to let go and enjoy each experience to the max without your response and actions making hubby feel insecure? Just really wondering about this.

 

One last question - what has been the positive effects on you and your marriage by having sex with other men? How does it make you feel about yourself, about your hubby, about your marriage? Right now, I feel so grateful and secure with Allen for leading me to explore doing this for real.

 

Can't wait to hear the responses.

 

Christy

[DaggersNRoses 271]

For us, the experience being equal is important or we couldn't do it. We are each having fun with a partner and we stick to same room play so that it's an experience we share.

 

I don't have the same emotions towards being with my husband that I do with other men. Love is not in how I have sex with someone or how I flirt. It's in how we share a life together. It's in every little mundane detail of life, taking care of each other, being there for each other.

 

We get to feel free to be who we are, explore sexuality and sensuality. Accept that in each other and share a journey of exploration and experiences.

[au022 15]

Thanks for sharing dnr, I really appreciate it. And I understand the emotional difference you are talking about. Allen and I share all aspects of life together, sex being part of that. Me being with other men is part of that exploration of sexuality and sensuality we want to pursue to enhance what we already have.

 

One of the reasons I feel ready to do this is I feel this is something we both want and desire. Even though right now, it will be only me playing, I feel we are both involved, both on the same journey. He is giving me, us, the freedom to explore and discover while undergirded with the security of our marriage. That alone is so appealing to me and further builds that desire.

 

I am interested in hearing from other women on this.

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Making sure he sees the emotional differences is one of the ways I ensure he needn't wonder about what's important to me.

[au022 15]

What are the emotional differences your hubby sees? I'm curious what you mean.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We both play and have since we decided to start swinging. Personally, I believe that the uneven type of swinging you are contemplating is a ticking time bomb. We don't believe in tat-for-tat, but we both have freedoms. If only one person is allowed sexual contact with others that seems to go badly. I've seen it here on the board and in person so many times.

 

Some people choose not to exercise their freedom because they enjoy mfm the most, or being a voyeur or cuckold, but they still have the freedom to play. This situation works much better.

 

I think threesomes are advanced swinging and it's better to start with same room sex or soft swap with couples. I love love love threesomes, but is a very different dynamic and I believe more difficult to navigate in the moment.

 

I would encourage you o keep reading and researching about non-monogamous relationships. The Swinger's Manual is great. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up were both also very helpful to me.

 

Another question you ask is about emotions after the first time. I felt like a different person in some ways. It was amazing and unbelievable (now, I had no other past partners, so this may be unique). I loved the feelings, but sometimes it was a bit overwhelming. I was very glad that both my husband and I had sex with other people at the same time. It would have been hard to go through those emotions by myself, I think.

[au022 15]

Thanks so much fun couple for the great advice. You have given me alot to consider, and I will definately read the books you recommended.

 

I guess for us, the reason we are pursuing me being with other men is that is what we have talked about, fantasized about for so long. Both of us. I think for us, it will be easier to transition to couple play after we fulfill this first. At least I think so. But maybe I am naive based on your input.

 

To be honest, Allen has never really expressed an interest in being with other women. I have asked many times, but he always comes back to me being with other guys. I am not opposed to him being with other women of a couple. As a matter of fact, I also have a curiosity about playing with a woman myself, and want to do that one day.

 

Are we being short sited or borrowing trouble by pursuing me playing with other men first? I am concerned now.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here

 

Re: "Also, ladies, how do you enjoy the sex with other men while ensuring that hubby remains secure and not threatened? " I never have thought my husband was insecure or ever threatened by me having sex with other men. As a result, he's never felt either of those things.

 

Okay, when we started to date, I explained to Ed that I was non-monagamous. He was fine with it and explained that until there was a ring n my finger, I could do as I pleased. He only asked I be discrete, which I was. When we married, I gave up swinging. Yet, after a month he asked if I missed it. I explained I didn't which made all the difference in him feeling threatened. He asked to try it, it went great, he realized all his concerns were silly and we've been going at it ever since.

[au022 15]

Thanks Edison. What you describe of your marriage is where Allen and I are hoping to get. We both feel that me playing with other men will fulfill what we have desired for so long, and enhance out marriage. But funcouple's comments have me wondering what unforeseen pitfalls may result that we haven't considered. I just want this to be positive for us.

[rvdudes 40]

I am a longtime (almost 2 years) lurker on here and haven't posted much but your questions led me to relate some of what we have learned.

 

First of all I highly recommend the three books that funcoupledayton suggested. We both read all three and spent many hours discussing what spoke to each of us in those volumes.

 

Secondly, we started out with mfm. We started there because I (Mrs) felt that I needed to learn some things before we moved on to playing with women and couples. Mr and I started dating young at 16 and 17. We had been married for 28 years and he was my only sexual partner. Mr was comfortable with including another man in our initial experiences. As we went along we kept talking with each other, kept reading, and kept trying to expand our horizons sexually. While it did take several months, we have successfully navigated our way so far and are comfortable in a wide variety of situations including mfm, fmf, and playing with couples. I am very thankful that Mr allowed me the time I needed to gain confidence and become comfortable. We have learned a lot about ourselves through the journey.

 

Thirdly, we have had lots of discussions about "fair versus equal". We recognized fairly quickly that it was a lot easier to connect with single guys (sheer numbers alone make it a lot easier). Finding compatible single gals and couples is a lot more difficult. In our case Mr was comfortable initially with involving single guys but he found that wanted some of the same experiences that I was having......even though mfm was fun for both of us he also wanted the chance to be with other women. I recognize now that if we would have excluded other women from our playing experiences Mr and I would have had great difficulties since our playtime would have neither been fair or equal.

 

We feel it is very important that you continually talk to each other about how you are feeling as you gain experience. Start the journey wherever you feel comfortable but don't rest in one place if eitherof you wants to see what is around the corner!!!!

[DaggersNRoses 271]

Talking to each other is fantastic advice. It's one way I can express that my husband is different to me. We talk about how we feel, we hold hands, touch in non intimate moments, I position myself in ways that suggest the unity we have, I talk to him before, during and after sex. By talking I don't mean about dinner; I am more vocal and suggestive with him than partners.

 

The Rose

[au022 15]

Thanks rvdudes and Rose. Great advice. We talked more last night about this, and realize we have alot more things to research and understand. But you guys are helping tremendously.

 

We have decided that to start, we are definately set on a mfm. Like rvdudes said, that is what appeals to both of us, and we think it will be easier to set up and do. I love how Allen is so supportive and desires it as much as I do. From there, we do want to transition to couple play.

 

I am so excited about this. I can't believe we are getting closer and closer.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I did a lot of threesomes with my ex and it wasn't an issue, largely because it was something HE really enjoyed, as much as I did. I didn't try to hold back or not enjoy another guy as much as I might because he was there, I fully enjoyed the moment (and so did he). That said, if he hadn't been as into seeing me with another guy, things would have been very different. We were much more likely to play in threesomes (or alone) than we were foursomes. I don't see it as "advanced" swinging, just a very different type of swinging and not one that every couple is suited to initially. Again, I think it comes down to what the couple is in it for. If it really is him wanting to see you with another guy and he gets really turned on by that idea and isn't so much into the idea of being with other women, it will probably be fine. If, however, there's any part of him that's doing this in hopes of getting "fair play" later, it's probably going to be an issue.

 

I have friends (the first couple my ex and I ever attempted to play with) who started off trying to play with couples not realizing that that wasn't really their thing. He REALLY loves seeing her with other people. Once they got past that and realized what they really wanted they enjoyed things a lot more. So, the key, I think is to figure out what you both really want and stick with it.

 

That said, if you spend the entire night worried about doing something that's going to upset him, you won't have much fun (none of you will). My suggestion is that threesomes are always about the ONE. If it's MFM, then it's about the woman. The guys giving her attention and her pleasure. If it's FMF, then it's about the man getting attention and pleasure. Yes, you'll be giving them both pleasure in return but you can't expect (and they cant' expect from you) to give 100% of your attention to either one. However, if they are focused on you, they will get their pleasure in return.

[au022 15]

Thanks do much for sharing Julie, you have really given me much more certainty and peace in what we have decided to pursue.

 

Allen sounds alot like your ex in that he has told me so many times how he wants to see me with other guys. It took me awhile to accept his sincerity, but now I believe with all my heart that is really his desire. We have talked about it so much.

 

And the thing is, as we have talked and I accepted he feels that way, it turns me on to think of him watching me with other guys. It turns me on alot, lol. I have told Allen this and it adds to his excitement too! Did you feel that way too, aroused by your ex watching?

 

I am now more than ever determined to enjoy it to the fullest and not hold back. Like you said, doing that will bring Allen and I both pleasure.

[eldiablo311 201]

I also feel like your husband Allen, it really turns me on to think of my wife fucking another guy! She is bi-sexual and she wants to be with another girl sometime, which would turn me on for sure also, it is just that for me the thought of her being with another man is more of a turn on, strangely enough!