"Friends first" swinging and/or poly

[km34 672]

Poly has no more to do with swinging than nudisim does. I've noticed a few profiles on SLS looking for "friends first" or some other code speak for "we want a relationship", exactly what swinging isn't. Some swingers may transition into poly relationships over time, just as some nudists may transition into swingers, but I don't think it's the norm.

 

This post in another thread got me thinking... In my mind "friends first" swinging and poly are two completely different things, but other people apparently think of them as one and the same. What does everyone else think?

 

To expand on my views (the rest of the post is purely my opinion ).. Everyone I have met who wants to be friends first is looking more for a sense of safety by knowing people a bit before having sex. Whether or not this is legit or not is another topic, but it's something that people believe. Also, friends first folks tend to want to be more open about swinging - having that couple or two or five that you swing with AND hang out with gives you the chance to talk about swinging, be yourselves, and generally not have to be in the closet about it. At least every once in a while. Having a friendship makes things a bit more comfortable for some.

 

Polyamory, on the other hand, is actually looking for romantic love. I love my friends, but that doesn't mean I'm in a poly relationship with all of them. On SLS, I mention that we are looking for friends, but we do not consider anyone we meet on SLS (or other swinging sites) as people with whom we could potentially have a real, whole, romantic relationship.

 

I guess my general question is - Is this a common thought in people's minds? When you see someone looking for "friends first" does your mind automatically go to poly/relationships/too invested?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

My thoughts match your thoughts on this.

 

We have quite a few swinger friends that we love. Mrs two4you even says "Love you!" to a few of them. But, it's what we call "Swinger Love". Just like you have vanilla friends that you love/adore. It isn't romantic, and for us, it isn't going to become romantic or poly in any form.

 

Friends first doesn't make me think Poly at all.

 

For the record, we don't look for friends first. We thought that was what we wanted when we first started swinging, but it took all of one club night to change our minds about that.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We don't need friends first, but it happened with one couple we know well. It was basically, just a matter of not being able to schedule play time but being able to see them multiple times in more vanilla situations. We have played a couple times since getting to know them as friends. It's not a poly situation at all, but we are friends.

 

Friends first is definitely not something we look for or feel the need to do, so I can't really comment whether people who feel prior friendship is essential are really looking for poly relationships. I can say that becoming friends first doesn't automatically lead to poly.

 

Honestly, I think friends first is really difficult and people mislead themselves. We have friends we've played with many times over more than 3y, but really how well do we know them? Not that well. We call them friends, but are they really? Not really. I think it takes a lot of shared time, interests and experiences to create a friendship. I think people are just making themselves feel better by saying they just have casual sex with friends (it sounds better than sex with strangers to many people).

[sunbuckus 3,567]

My thoughts match yours, as well, km. Although, I can see how "friends first" can also be a code for some people to hint toward poly, just like "opened minded" can be a code to bi-sexual male play.

 

There was a time, and perhaps occasionally I still think this, but when I saw "friends first" I would think that they were newbies who wanted to be comfortable with a couple before jumping into their first swinging experience.

 

On SLS, I mention that we are looking for friends, but we do not consider anyone we meet on SLS (or other swinging sites) as people with whom we could potentially have a real, whole, romantic relationship.

 

I was curious as to why you automatically rule out everyone on SLS/swinging sites as being potential romantic interests. Is it because you assume that they are mostly there to swing and don't want to filter through any that might be leaning toward poly?

[DaggersNRoses 271]

I think of the term friends first as an indicator that one or both in the couple are not comfortable with casual sex with strangers. They have to feel comfortable or a sense of companionship.

 

That's not love nor a committed relationship so I don't think of it as poly.

 

 

The Rose

[DigginIt 1,132]

We agree with two4you on this with the exception that we do look for friends first and we like a little romantic attachment but it's not poly. Could we see ourselves somewhere in the middle, yes and no. We have mixed feelings and maybe even a couple mixed posts over the years we have been on this board on this particular subject. We have two very close friends and we tell them we love them all the time but we are not 'in love' with them.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think that "friends first" and "poly" are two different things but that both fall under the umbrella of SWINGING (consensual sex with others outside of your marriage/primary relationship). I agree with others that many are looking for "friends first" more for a sense of safety. Most don't mean they want to be "besties" they just want to get to know people before they play and feel comfortable with them. Poly is actual romantic attached relationship. That said, I know quite a few folks involved in poly who also swing outside of their poly relationship(s). We have a threesome at our local social. They live together and play together, but they also play outside of their threesome.

[km34 672]

I was curious as to why you automatically rule out everyone on SLS/swinging sites as being potential romantic interests. Is it because you assume that they are mostly there to swing and don't want to filter through any that might be leaning toward poly?

 

We don't rule them out entirely, I suppose, but we treat them much as we would treat people we meet at work or other parts of the community that aren't specifically geared towards poly people - they aren't potential partners unless they bring it up as a possibility first. We tend to compartmentalize based on how/where we meet people. Folks from SLS/swingers clubs/other swing venues - swingers. Folks from a poly event/site- poly. Coworkers/fellow church attenders/etc - vanilla acquaintances. There are crossovers, but until we've learned that about the person, we use the basic idea of what they are open to as a guide of how to treat them and what to expect/not expect from them.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We don't rule them out entirely, I suppose, but we treat them much as we would treat people we meet at work or other parts of the community that aren't specifically geared towards poly people - they aren't potential partners unless they bring it up as a possibility first. We tend to compartmentalize based on how/where we meet people. Folks from SLS/swingers clubs/other swing venues - swingers. Folks from a poly event/site- poly. Coworkers/fellow church attenders/etc - vanilla acquaintances. There are crossovers, but until we've learned that about the person, we use the basic idea of what they are open to as a guide of how to treat them and what to expect/not expect from them.

 

That does keep things very simple. Good strategy!