What are your profile red flags?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

What are the words/statements in profiles that throw up a red flag to you, and why? The things where once you see them you just close the profile out and move on to someone else.

 

My #1 is "we only play in our own race" - more often than not if they feel the need to state it this way (or often at all) there is a racist component to their personalities (this may be a bigger issue in the deep south).

 

Drama-free = The likelihood of bringing drama is a good bit higher if you feel the need to describe yourself this way. I won't automatically close out at this statement, but if the profile is rather short and this is included, I'm going to take a pass with a feeling that you lack the maturity we would want to move forward.

 

Anything that let's us know that they are really just looking for a female to be their third (but they'd settle for a couple) - It's a sure sign that they have no desire to include my husband.

[hkdilbert 182]

How about these two for starters:

 

1) A long list of requirements about their requirements with little else about them. To me this sounds like person / couple only interested in themselves. We like getting to know people a bit and only are interested in situations which are a win-win for everyone involved. The profile that comes off too self-centered is a sure turn-off.

 

2) Profiles that seem more like a ego-trip than anything else. It's one thing to be confident and another to take things to an extreme. They may think they are gods gift to men or women, but it is one of the fastest ways for us to move to the next page - regardless of how hot they may or may not be.

 

Fortunately these types of profiles seem to be pretty rare on most sites.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I don't look at profiles very often but I usually pass by the ones that have one or two sentences in each category...the ones that are usually very generic sounding because they didn't put a lot of thought into the profile. Maybe they'll change it later or maybe it's lacking because they are there to look at pictures.

[Chicup 42]

He is open minded (bisexual)

We want to start slow (wont ever have sex)

She's very shy but wait till she warms up! (She's not into it or very unsure)

420 friendly (if its a big enough part of your life to tell strangers not our thing)

We are not Ken and Barbie (if they feel the need to say it they are prob not our strike zone)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

"Where are all the real people?"

 

Usually these profiles are in the middle of a list of certified members. That tells me the problem probably isn't everyone else.

 

Sent using modern technology!

[losAmantes 318]

"Friends first"

We want to go bowling, have a picnic, and know all your kid's names and ages before we'll have sex with you.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

Over use of "I" instead of "we" in couples profiles.

Profiles that are one-sided in terms of play, i.e."We only play with females," -- although that may be EXACTLY what they each want, it leaves me wondering every time if this is just his fantasy and not hers. "I play solo, s/he doesn't" falls into the same category.

Too short or overly vague profiles.

Demanding profiles - there is a difference in stating your desires and sounding like your are ordering a pizza.

 

She's very shy but wait till she warms up! (She's not into it or very unsure)

 

I get your point, but sometimes it is true. My wife is a quiet person. She will absolutely get involved in the conversation, but still she prefers to listen and observe far more than I. Oh, and it was her idea to start swinging.

[LFM2 1,482]

My knee jerk reaction to a single male that might email us is he can only meet in the afternoon at a hotel and he can never host = married and cheating?

 

Who knows... he might be living with his mother in her basement.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

"Hot" anywhere in a profile, including the username, makes my eyes roll. Not only is attractiveness pretty subjective (some people don't actually think Gwyneth Paltrow is beautiful, even if People Magazine does), but the use of that particular word somehow equates to shallow for me and I pass on by.

 

I also rule out anyone who doesn't fill out their profile completely. You have an opportunity to sell yourself and don't take it? Well, chances are you're not very thorough in other areas.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

"I really like older females."

 

In our minds it means, "I've already tried to gain the attention of the females within my age group with no result; now I'm starting on the old ladies, who I expect will be grateful for anything they can get." This back-handed compliment is also contained in many introductory messages.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

"We are new to this" in profiles that were opened 5 years ago. I'm torn between the idea that obviously they haven't looked at their own profile since they originally wrote it, or the question "What is taking you so long?"

[shy_couple 460]

Wow, some good ones here. The one that first came to mind was the male is straight but open minded (we feel its code for closet bi).

 

But also hate to see D/D free but 420 friendly, either you are drug free or not.

 

Someone else mentioned using "I" in a couples profiles, yes definite red flag.

 

For us its also " friends in and out of the bedroom" We have plenty of friends and we prefer to keep our real life and out sexy/secret lives completely separate.

[lotsoffun201 175]

As soon as they state Mr. has a hall pass, it makes us think single masquerading as a couple. Tell us that after we meet, then bring it up. Then we can decide

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Saw a profile recently that went a little something like this.

 

"We're looking for a female to join us. He would like to see me with another female and have a threesome as well. I'm not really into it, but I love him and would do anything for him, so we're going to see how this goes."

 

Not so much as a red flag as it is a red flag that has been doused in gasoline, set on fire, and is now being hurled towards the neighborhood ammo dump.

 

Two positives: 1. Single females are hard to find. 2. I don't think any single females that are out there would say "This is the couple for me!"

[MrsPandMe 150]

"Looking for HWP couples" or anything with "HWP" or any variation in it.

 

This right here is an INSTANT deal killer for us. I have no idea what your idea "HWP" is. It's a stupid statement, it's closed minded and it smacks of someone who really doesn't know WHAT they're looking for. Some of the best swinging we've ever had has been with couples we would certainly not classify as "skinny".

[sunbuckus 3,569]

As soon as they state mr has a hall pass, it makes us think single masquerading as a couple. Tell us that after we meet, then bring it up. Then we can decide

 

I have to say that I've put that on our profile before. I had lots of chances to use a hall pass and wanted Mr. Sun to have the same experience.

[Chicup 42]

I have to say that I've put that on our profile before. I had lots of chances to use a hall pass and wanted Mr. Sun to have the same experience.

 

I'm with lots though, if its in there I assume its one of those where "she" will be always busy. Putting it in your profile doesn't really add anything and brings up the usual fake single male posing as couple or cheating married guy vibe. Of course you get lots of chances to use a hall pass you are female. A lot of couples wouldn't care if you were cheating etc.

[Chicup 42]

"Looking for HWP couples" or anything with "HWP" or any variation in it.

 

This right here is an INSTANT deal killer for us. I have no idea what your idea "HWP" is. It's a stupid statement, it's closed minded and it smacks of someone who really doesn't know WHAT they're looking for. Some of the best swinging we've ever had has been with couples we would certainly not classify as "skinny".

 

But thats not what they are looking for/attracted too. Some of the best swinging we have had has been with couples that could just about qualify as fitness models. What it is is a semi-polite way of saying no one over weight. That being said we don't have it in our profile because its a completely subjective statement. Its much like "we are an attractive couple" or any other completely subjective phrase. What one thinks of as HWP is not going to be what another thinks. Unless a couple identifies as "bbw" they all tend to think they are HWP, unless of course they put they are not "ken and barbie".

[slevin 1,374]

Anything that let's us know that they are really just looking for a female to be their third (but they'd settle for a couple) - It's a sure sign that they have no desire to include my husband.

 

We've found that often if they list what they're looking for as "women, and couples" that more often than not they're really just looking for a single bi-woman. They list couples as an afterthought. It's a bit picky and we don't automatically discount them just because of that, but it makes me pay close attention for any other cues that they're really just looking for a single bi-woman.

 

The big one for us is when their profile is all about what they don't want. Just a wall of negatives, defining what they want by describing everything they don't want.

[angelkin 1,326]

"Looking for HWP couples" or anything with "HWP" or any variation in it.

 

This right here is an INSTANT deal killer for us. I have no idea what your idea "HWP" is. It's a stupid statement, it's closed minded and it smacks of someone who really doesn't know WHAT they're looking for. Some of the best swinging we've ever had has been with couples we would certainly not classify as "skinny".

 

I like seeing someone's preferences in their profile and if they are seeking "fit" or "HWP" people, awesome - and we're not a good match, NEXT! Sometimes we get contacted by people who have this preference listed and we feel like they are settling for us in the hopes of finding anyone to play with - not cool.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I'm with lots though, if its in there I assume its one of those where "she" will be always busy. Putting it in your profile doesn't really add anything and brings up the usual fake single male posing as couple or cheating married guy vibe. Of course you get lots of chances to use a hall pass you are female. A lot of couples wouldn't care if you were cheating etc.

 

Oh, I understand completely with that assumption. At the time that I had put it on our profile, I didn't think about how it would appear as if it were a single guy/cheating husband. I was just interested in seeing if we could get any emails from others that wanted Mr. Sun as a 3rd or a hall pass situation. However, I did a major overhaul on our profile several months ago and took that portion out. We came to the same conclusion that it doesn't add much and if a couple is ever interested, they can ask.

[lotsoffun201 175]

Regarding the HWP thing. I suppose it's a polite way to say...be in decent shape. Several months ago we ran across a profile which stated, "we both carry a lot of muscle". Think he is an off season body builder and she's a tri athlete. If the female is in shape and the husband is, well, fat, we aren't interested. I think that's a pretty extreme way of saying "be narcissists like us"! If they had used HWP in their profile, it would have been far less offensive.

 

With all due respect, they must have gotten a bit of grief over it, because they softened it a little.

[MrMarvin 268]

"Husband is [insert exact measurements or descriptive terms such as "hung"] and knows how to use it." To me, that is creepy and seedy. It does nothing for my wife either (who would be part of the "intended" audience). Since I don't like it, and she doesn't like it, those ads get skipped by us. We might as well go buy a lifeless dildo.

 

For us, it is pretty simple: (1) show you have a fun personality; and (2) a good sense of humor. If you get past that point, some decent face pictures are all we need.

 

In the end though, to each his/her own. We respect that.

 

MrMarvin

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

"Looking for HWP couples" or anything with "HWP" or any variation in it.

 

This right here is an INSTANT deal killer for us. I have no idea what your idea "HWP" is. It's a stupid statement, it's closed minded and it smacks of someone who really doesn't know WHAT they're looking for. Some of the best swinging we've ever had has been with couples we would certainly not classify as "skinny".

 

 

Yes, and I have seen some that say they are HWP. Then I look at their photo and realize they are defining HWP very different from most. It is humorous when the state "and we expect the same" - I always wonder if they are viewing themselves as others seem them or not.

[adventurous2831 15]

Anything with "Dat, azz, wit," and etc. Around here "gangsta" isn't popular, for good reason. If you cant spell or at least try, what makes you think we will enjoy your company when nothing in our profile suggest we live in the "hood". Hard to have a conversation with someone that talks that way, if we cant carry on a conversation, why would we want to have sex?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Adventurous, it's funny you say that. In our area there's a single male (that is always accompanied by two ladies) that throws parties. His invites are always in caps and full of gangster/hip lingo. We don't ever plan on attending any of his parties...for many reasons but one of them because of that specific use of language.

[MrsPandMe 150]

I suppose my previous post was a bit, umm, narrow-minded. It's just one of those things that irks me for whatever reason. Of course, now that I'm in Las Vegas, I'm seeing a lot more of it.

[Sensualbicouple 122]

Hubby hates cock pics in their public profile....reserve them for the Private Gallery and even guys who say they have big cocks and know how to use them. For first impressions, he thinks that's coming across as sleazy and someone who may not be able to walk the walk if they can't talk the talk. I personally hate a bad written profile, shows no effort and if you can't make an effort in your profile, you're not worth the time and energy I would need to meet you and also profiles that show "not specified" in places that should definitely be specified in order for us to make a choice about whether or not we should meet you.

[Fours Company 169]

One that has already been mentioned is the overused "HWP" either by proclaiming themselves and/or insisting others be. This is especially highlighted when they claim they seek HWP couples, but use the cliche "We're not Ken & Barbie" somewhere else in the ad as well. To us, this denotes not just a true narcissist who only desires one of the pretty people like themselves, but someone who realizes on some level they are in actuality an average "imperfect" person themselves, but still hoping to "upgrade".

 

Another is the term "professional couple" especially if they claim they are only seeking the same. While granted this term can mean different things to different couples (though few have been able to really explain it other then it's just something to add to their profile because others do), to us it smacks of a financial qualifier that has been held against us in the past.

 

The last, would be any couple that claims their spouse is away or taking a break from playing, etc. and they have "permission" to play separately. Not only does this not interest us since we play together, but seems to scream of infidelity.

 

Overall, the more cliche terms used in a profile the more red flags or the less chance we would be interested. We prefer something written that is original and unique to that couple and not just looking like a variation on everyone else's.

[MrsPandMe 150]

 

Would YOU want to party with these two? Of COURSE you're not Ken and Barbie! Your sex life would SUCK then!

[Brad145 58]

 

Another is the term "professional couple" especially if they claim they are only seeking the same. While granted this term can mean different things to different couples (though few have been able to really explain it other then it's just something to add to their profile because others do), to us it smacks of a financial qualifier that has been held against us in the past.

 

 

When I see 'Professional couple', i think 'NOT HWP', and so far it has been right more often than not.

 

One more that really gets me, is when someone messages us looking to meet up, with no face pics on their profile or attached to the message. Sorry, but if you can't take a chance at showing your face in a private message.....

 

'Not into the club scene'......maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for that? People that have this in their profile almost always want to have a first meetup at THEIR place, and aren't flexible about it, wonder why? I've never met any to find out! LOL

[happywithyou 15]

Descriptions with major grammar and/or spelling errors. The occasional typo is one thing, but if you can't speak English correctly in your profile, it's like nails on a chalkboard. Also, when couples make it a point, usually multiple times, to mention how often they go to the gym/work out/exercise, etc. To us, that screams "we're shallow".

[MrsPandMe 150]

profiles with no punctuation at all i thin they are very hard to read espshilly wen they have poor gramer it seems like it would be very easy to at least sometimes accidentally brush your finger over a punctuation key at least once even if it was random my god its hard to do this so i have to assume it takes ssome effort to type this horribly ugh this flies in the face of my years of college english excuse me i have to wash my hands now if feel dirty

[Rompusplay 15]

Profiles that are beyond short or just way too long. I also tend not to linger on a profile with no pics or none of the male half of a couple. The shy but warms up statement causes immediate eye rolling. These are pet peeves. I would say a major red flag is when they include an alternate means of communication, such as a phone number, directly in their profile.

[littlebit8402 15]

Pictures of only the female of the couple. Although I admit, we have done that but mostly because Mr. doesn't like taking pictures. But I'm working on him.

 

Profiles that aren't filled out at all. We just pass right by them.

 

Profiles with no pictures at all. Let's face it, looks do matter. We have to have an attraction for one another for anything to happen. Not to say what we think is attractive is what everyone else finds attractive. But the attraction has to be there.

 

Not really a red flag but annoying just the same...

 

When they show the same picture pretty much just from different angles. Or the ones with 20 pictures of the female's breasts or butt. Obviously you think that's your only asset so we're not interested.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Wow, some good ones here. The one that first came to mind was the male is straight but open minded (we feel its code for closet bi).

 

But also hate to see D/D free but 420 friendly, either you are drug free or not.

 

Someone else mentioned using "I" in a couples profiles, yes definite red flag.

 

For us its also " friends in and out of the bedroom" We have plenty of friends and we prefer to keep our real life and out sexy/secret lives completely separate.

 

It's all a matter of personal tastes and subjectivity, but here are a few things you might wish to consider:

 

"DD-free but 420 friendly" might translate into "We don't smoke pot, but if you want to light up, we don't care." Ann and I are DD-free but probably one-third of our closest friends regularly smoke.

 

"I" is a red flag? Actually, it is just the opposite for us. Since when does being in the lifestyle cause someone to lose their individual identity? Someone attempting to speak for someone else by using the "royal we" is a cause for concern. I want to know his or her thoughts and opinions, not his or her thoughts and opinions as translated to me by someone else speaking on their behalf.

 

"We only play with friends" seems pretty normal to us. Conversely, the idea that someone would engage in the most intimate physical acts with another person/couple, but not consider them to be friends, is completely alien.

 

Regarding the "closet bi" comment, my response is, Who cares? As long as he knows that I'm not bisexual, his private thoughts/feelings are of no concern to me. No different than sharing a locker room, in my opinion.

[Sexinthetardis 76]

Not a red flag in the sense that I think there's something "wrong" with the couple or their profile, but when I see "vas safe" it's a flag that this couple isn't a match for us because we always use condoms with others. Confusingly, though, we've had couples respond to our profile, which clearly states that we require the use of condoms, and when we've met in person the guys have said to me (the she of us) something along the lines of "Well you know I am vas safe." Which then puts me in the awkward position of having to say, in effect, "So what? I'm not worried about getting pregnant, I just want to avoid catching something from you." And by the way, just the guy saying that is a total turn off to me because I feel like I'm then having to defend/explain/deal-with-an-idiot-who's-trying-to-negotiate-about our rules. Which are in our profile. That they responded to. What baffles me is why the heck our "condoms required" wasn't a flag that we weren't a good match for them?? Anyway, it makes me immediately lose interest even if I was previously interested. Bummer.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Not a red flag in the sense that I think there's something "wrong" with the couple or their profile, but when I see "vas safe" it's a flag that this couple isn't a match for us because we always use condoms with others. Confusingly, though, we've had couples respond to our profile, which clearly states that we require the use of condoms, and when we've met in person the guys have said to me (the she of us) something along the lines of "Well you know I am vas safe." Which then puts me in the awkward position of having to say, in effect, "So what? I'm not worried about getting pregnant, I just want to avoid catching something from you." And by the way, just the guy saying that is a total turn off to me because I feel like I'm then having to defend/explain/deal-with-an-idiot-who's-trying-to-negotiate-about our rules. Which are in our profile. That they responded to. What baffles me is why the heck our "condoms required" wasn't a flag that we weren't a good match for them?? Anyway, it makes me immediately lose interest even if I was previously interested. Bummer.

 

Condoms can break and fail, correct?

 

That might be a reason why someone mentions they are "vas safe" in spite of the fact they say they use condoms.

[Chicup 42]

Yes, and I have seen some that say they are HWP. Then I look at their photo and realize they are defining HWP very different from most. It is humorous when the state "and we expect the same" - I always wonder if they are viewing themselves as others seem them or not.

 

A WEEEEEE bit late in a reply, but I think this brigs up a great issue, and a bigger one.

 

A great many people seem to think they are more attractive then they are. I know from looking back we did the same thing for years in swinging. I think we've figured out a good self assessment now but again, maybe not.

[Sexinthetardis 76]

Condoms can break and fail, correct?

 

That might be a reason why someone mentions they are "vas safe" in spite of the fact they say they use condoms.

 

You make a good point and that actually might very well be why folks put that in their profile, as a means of conveying there is very little chance of accidental pregnancy with them. But the two guys who said this to me when we met, I don't think they were just trying to reassure me that they weren't likely to knock me up I did suppress the snarky responses and just said "Well we always use condoms, would that be a problem?" One sulkily said "Well I will if I HAVE to" and the other was honest enough to say he usually has a very difficult time performing with a condom on.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

You make a good point and that actually might very well be why folks put that in their profile, as a means of conveying there is very little chance of accidental pregnancy with them. But the two guys who said this to me when we met, I don't think they were just trying to reassure me that they weren't likely to knock me up I did suppress the snarky responses and just said "Well we always use condoms, would that be a problem?" One sulkily said "Well I will if I HAVE to" and the other was honest enough to say he usually has a very difficult time performing with a condom on.

 

Right.

 

I was making a general statement pertaining to the "red flag" notion.

 

Individual circumstances will, of course, vary and it is clear this was not the case here.