How many couples are REALLY in it together?

[confused12524 201]

In my first thread I came here with a sort of "coming to reality" topic.

 

Basically my wife and I have been together for 10+ years and most of that time as swingers. From the outside we looked like a swinging success story. A sexy young couple having a blast. Both on the same page, just living the dream. Even I thought that. In reality, and it took me years to realize this, my wife was basically along for the ride. Having known from early dating that this was something that I wanted, she went along with it and what started probably as mutual curiosity, progressed to something beyond what she was into.

 

I had dreams of ever escalating scenarios and fantasies that to me felt like natural progression where I believe in her mind, what she thought would be an occasional extra spice, was actually a runaway train that she could never have envisioned.

 

I believe at some point she started going along for the ride and eventually really starting to dislike it. Being so in love and attached to me, I think she was reluctant to speak her mind so instead she would come across as "into it" during conversations but more and more began to avoid or push off action.

 

I read her "inaction" as "not today, but I want that too" but I feel I misread that totally. When I felt maybe I was bringing up the subject too much, I would stop for a while to leave it "on her terms", in the back of my mind I had a clock ticking waiting. When left on her terms, it never came up and my anxiety built the longer we went like this wasn't even the remotest thought.

 

Then I would ease back into the idea, usually resulting in a long conversation where I did the talking but I left feeling like "we're on the same page". But again, the action didn't follow. That cycle has repeated for years.

 

It got to where it put a lot of stress in our relationship in the evenings. My constant "disappointment" that she didn't take any of my ideas and go with them, and her knowing that after work hours I would turn into a quiet, unsocial person, detached from our relationship together. My idea of "taking the pressure off" and "leaving it to her" was in reality, not bringing it up for a few days but intently waiting with an expectation for her to jump in a take over. After just a short time, watching a movie, going shopping, and all of her ideas when asked "what do you want to do tonight" began the cycle again. Since secretly I was counting the days waiting for an answer that I wanted.

 

Having read so many stories of both the man and woman perspectives, plus knowing real life couples in the same situation......I wonder if this is a lot more common than it appears.

 

Women who write on here as having been extremely active, and probably from the outside appearing to be "nymphos" expose the reality that it was acting to please their man. Then you see a male perspective writing here, when their wife puts the brakes on, he is flipping out that "she changed"

 

That's my original take on this too. The details are in the other thread. But that's the summary.

 

This makes me question my jealousy of couples who appear to really be into it together. I would look at them as examples of living the life that I wanted and feel resentment that I "got tricked"

 

Now though. I question the situations. I read a Craig's ad that says "she wants multiple men tonight" and I wonder....Does SHE want multiple men? Did SHE really bring it up? Or do YOU want to see her with multiple men and she is going along with it to please you.

 

Things like porn distort reality. I know its acting. I'm an intelligent guy. But with the amount of stuff out there, it can lead you to think......there really are wild horny women who can't get enough out there. You can start to think "every woman has an inner slut, just waiting to be released". A show of slight interest from your wife can lead to an expectation of one day that "wall coming down" and you both go wild.

 

Now, both my wife and I would say we had a great sex life swinging. Our friends couldn't tell we were anything but a "freaky couple". She would probably say the same in private convos.

 

But the reality is much different.

 

I wonder how many are in that situation. Regardless of how they come across.

How many women sit alone on the couch while their men are online typing away setting up the next meet......for "her"

 

How many "she wants me to set it up" "she trusts my judgement" are legit? You hear that a lot.

 

How many really translate to "she's not into this but will submit to what I want to do"

 

How many women in those situations REALLY find it exciting to have their men set up random sex encounters for them?

 

How many just want nothing to do with it but don't want to start a fight so they go numb to it and just pretend they like it?

 

On the flip side. How many coulples really are equally into it. Where she suggests and goes online as much as he does. Where she brings up scenarios out of the blue. Or where she had the legitimate desire to expand sexually.

 

Just some thoughts

[Guest daniixben]

My partner and I are new to this, but it started being his fantasies, and I 'went along' with listening to his fantasies. I was totally apposed to it! I would say a point blank no, NEVER in a relationship would I be with another person. He left it alone for a while but it was always in the back of my head that he wanted that. He did everything I asked of him sex wise and visa versa, and we focused on things that we wanted to try just between us instead of who else we could bring into our bed.

 

By expanding our sex life together, the trust built and we decided the first step would be to watch porn and see if I got turned on by it - it worked. The next step we took was some bedtime reading - a threesome handbook - I read it aloud to him and most of the time we would end up having hot sex together after I got turned on from reading it! Though this we discovered my deep down attraction to women!

 

We discussed in detail everything that the book had told us to, our hopes, our fantasies, our fears, our boundaries - he complied to EVERYTHING I wanted in order to be comfortable for our first experience. I wanted another woman, I wanted to be center of attention, I wanted them to have minimal contact. We chose an escort to minimize drama and it went great! I really enjoyed myself and we spoke about it numerous times afterwards. What I enjoyed, what I didn't, what I wanted to change for next time. We agreed on experimenting every 3 months this year and evaluating each in great detail every time!

 

We're only 6 months through this, and it had got to the point where I (the female) am now pushing to have them more often, and experiment further with men and couples, clubs and more!

 

So to answer your question, YES there are women that love to have more and more and more! But I also totally understand that there can be an element of going along for the ride as that is how our journey began, but luckily for me, I have a very understanding man of my fears and limits and as long as he can dabble and I enjoy myself, then he is more than happy to be 'along for the ride' with me :-D

[VegasLee 1,486]

We see 800 to 1000 "Swingers" each and every week.

 

There is not a night that goes by that I can't point out a couple as you have described.

One or the other that is there because they are going along.

 

You may be surprised to know that it is not just the women that are going along though. Many times it is the man that is bending to his wife's wishes.

 

We have known couples that this is the case and they have ALWAYS ended in divorce. Can't think of a single exception.

 

Glad you are seeing it and hope that you both make the decisions that are right for the both of you.

[Sensualbicouple 121]

That is an interesting question I have often wondered myself. Sometimes, I have felt like I pushed things along and hubby was only on it for the ride and sometimes I have felt like I was on the ride and he was pushing for things quicker than I wanted to take them. In fact, when we were in the LS we had a few disagreements around this when discussing potential playmates or scenarios. I guess the balance in power can always vary between the individuals in a couple. Some stick out like a sore thumb as to the balance being heavily towards one individual over the other and that's not nice to see and I wouldn't play with someone if that were obvious to me. But the LS though enjoyable as it can be, is not an easy thing to manage. For some it's easy and others not so. I hope you find the clarity you need to work through this issue you face but maybe this is a the time to step back and now focus on each other and maybe take a break from the LS. Just an idea, the rest is up to you of course.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I had dreams of ever escalating scenarios and fantasies that to me felt like natural progression where I believe in her mind, what she thought would be an occasional extra spice, was actually a runaway train that she could never have envisioned.

 

My partner can safely be described as obsessed with gaming. Sometimes he loses the threads of his actual life and I have to call him back. It doesn't matter whether I like the game he's playing, what matters is that his brain needs to be given an alternative to "more, more, more." The reason I bring up something that has nothing to do with sexuality is that it seems likely that your ever escalating scenarios and fantasies also don't really have sexuality at their core. Down thread there's a very sensible post about substituting board games and my response is similar in that you might want to look elsewhere for your dopamine rush and leave swinging as an occasional dash of spice.

 

In our relationship, I'm the prime mover for sexual adventures and Mr. Doe has veto power. It's partly because my need for variety is larger and partly that I'm much more motivated by sex than he is.

[Fundamental Law 2,882]

An important question, and one that transcends the LS. Marriage is a social contract, love is something else again. The attributes that seem to be shared by all happy LS couples that we have run into are two in number: (1) They are in life's adventure together. They always have each other's back. That doesn't mean they don't play hard and play separately. But it means there is never ambiguity about the importance of their primary relationship. Each speaks glowingly of the other. (2) The happiness and pleasure of the spouse always takes priority over their own needs/wants/desires. Compersion rules. Show us that couple, and you have shown us a pair that we want to spend time with.

[NYFlirts 158]

Very interesting read!

 

People ask us all the time "How'd you get into this and who started it?" Our answer is always: I pushed to go to strip clubs, but once the Mrs. found out she liked girls, it was off to the races.

 

Fortunately I'm very confident that my wife is as into this (if not more) than I am, especially seeing how much time she spends on the swinger sites (three of them) shopping for couples.

 

We do know a handful of couples where we see some red (yellow) flags including:

 

1) The guys do ALL the contacting, setting things up, etc. and the women seem to just be along for the ride.

2) Situations where the ladies have to drink a lot to "get in the mood" or "take the edge off" and it seems like it's a way to suppress their worries

3) Times where the couple "took a break" but it really felt like it was one person really pushing to take a break and not a joint decision

[Chicup 41]

1) The guys do ALL the contacting, setting things up, etc. and the women seem to just be along for the ride.

 

Until phone contact, it is almost always me. She does the phone stuff to prove she is there

 

3) Times where the couple "took a break" but it really felt like it was one person really pushing to take a break and not a joint decision

 

We have two wonderful children (breaks)

[mongo_couple 15]

Hello everyone! That's our first post, nice to be here finally. This forum was big help in many ways for us.

 

Judging by our experience and what we have learn from communicating with others, people are as much in it together as much honest they are about their sexual preferences. First and most important to themselves. Major factor is bisexuality and some kinky stuff which they are not brave to admit to themselves as a big turn-on.

 

We had a lot of problems at the beginning because of this and when all is clear and every desire is accepted its soooo easy to set up something and have fun.

 

When we started I (male here) used to do most of the logistics, but since we are completely open now of every little kink or fantasy she does the dating too. I am not stating that those couples where male is doing most of the work having issues. To us it turned out to be like that.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We can never truely know someone else's motives, even our spouse. However, that just means it's all the more important to do everything we can to make sure that we are in it together. I worry on a regular basis that my husband might just be doing this for me, and that's all the more reason why I let him set the pace of how we proceed (or if we proceed) both overall and with each individual couple. I could easily steamroll him as you did your wife, but I know better. I know where my priorities are and my relationship comes far ahead of any swinging.

[confused12524 201]

I've done well getting my priorities in line and while I purposely didn't point out the "change" its not gone unnoticed.

 

Things have been great with us lately and she is happier than I have ever seen her. She talks a lot about how happy she is and we are. It seems lately that everyone around us, their relationship is ending, including her parents after 30 years.

 

I realize how lucky we are to be so compatible in so many ways that my "anxiety" about one thing just isn't necessary.

 

To my surprise, 1000% on her own, without the slightest mention or illusion to the idea from me in weeks, she asked me on my way home from work if I would be up for having a friend over. This is a guy that had been our somewhat regular but always at my request.

 

I really like him because besides being "my type" 21, slim, cute....he is just as much into me as her. Even more so. With her permission, he and I play on our own from time to time.

 

Every other guy I have felt only (deals with the bi play to do her) and I usually don't mind that anyway because my turn on is her playing not so much me.

 

Making sure to not make a big deal about it I said "if that's what's you're feeling, works for me" "I just worked 14 hours, so I'm cool with a shower and the couch too"

 

She said, "I've been wanting to do a little something the past few days but didn't want to bring it up because you have been working so much and dead when you get home"

 

Well. End result was he came over last night.. we had a great time. The play was 70% me and him, with her just being relaxed and joining in here and there completely on her own with zero "encouragement" from either one of us.

 

For the first time in a long time she had a great time, talked about some things he and I did that were a turn on for her and asked if I minded that she didn't get all hardcore into it.

 

I didn't mind at all and told her I didn't even notice.

 

I find this exciting because its true. In the past I would take "breaks" from trying to play and "pretend" I didn't care but it was short lived and the truth was it was an act. My "not bringing it up" was really counting the days waiting for her to and I know she could see through it.

 

This really was out of the blue without me even thinking about it. And really was her idea, and I could tell she really did enjoy it, much different than other times when I realize now she was only happy to see me happy since she knew my mood would change once she "gave in"

 

Last night didn't change my attitude or "JumpStart" my swjnger engine again. Which is great.

 

She seems a lot more open, relaxed, and playful in general now without the pressure of thinking "anything we do that is a little frisky" has to lead to a full swing event.

 

My turn on has always been her excitement. And to see that genuine was awesome.

I couldn't go back to before. Where her happiness wasn't that she had a great time playing like I thought it was......it was that she made me happy and I was "back to myself"

[playcplsc 15]

We actually met each other on a swingers site as singles. I would say we are in it together :P

[JandKinBoise 856]

I really needed to see this post. Thanks so much for articulating something that I had "known" but never allowed to surface. J is a pleaser. I'm sure you all have known one. Will do anything to ensure her husband is secure and happy. I believe she has gone along with me in order to allow me to fulfill my desire to have sex with guys, and not do it behind her back. Unfortunately, most of the guys we meet are only bisexual enough to get close to her. We have talked about this to some extent but as her personality is based on making me happy, her end of the conversation can't really be trusted. One problem is that even when we are with a bisexual guy, we still make her the center of attention. The sex is better as they are more comfortable with very close male to male contact such as DV or 69/doggie, but for my end, I'm not getting what I am craving. She recently asked if I would rather just meet with a guy alone. I know she hates that idea, and to be honest, I really like having her there.

 

My first experience with MMF was with a guy I had seen alone a few times before he introduced me to his wife. She was always kind of on the outside and would join in briefly now and then but wasn't the center of attention. She was allowing him to pursue his desires and only jumping in when she got really turned on, and then only for a little while. I'd like to bring this up with her and direct our MMF sex in this direction but fear the the standard "yeah, that sounds great" response may or may not be how she actually feels. I feel really bad about this and wish I could simply suppress my desires but they are like a pressure cooker and when it explodes it's not healthy for our relationship. Appeasing my desire by going along keeps me from going off the deep end. I was hoping by writing this down an answer would come to me but I think I'm more confused on how to handle this now than before I started writing. But, thanks for giving me something to ponder today.