Swinging REQUIRES a Thick Skin!

[NYFlirts 158]

Wow, unless you're perfect in every way (physically, mentally, financially, etc.) then you're gonna need a thick skin for this lifestyle. Heck, even if you're perfect, you'll probably still need a thick skin!

 

In the vanilla world, you may be passed over for a promotion, not invited to a vanilla party with some friends, etc., but that all pales in comparison to the potential rejection you open yourself up to in the lifestyle!

 

Oh, and the rejection isn't just based on a few basic aspects of you as a person! You could be rejected based on any and every aspect of who you are. Your personality, your looks, your stamina in the bedroom, creativity with sex, your body, your income, your style, your hygiene, who you associate with, who you don't associate with, etc. etc. etc. It doesn't help either that if you're really active in the lifestyle you are meeting a ton more people that might possibly reject you, and doing so in volumes of people exponentially more than you would in almost any other situation.

 

So, we're in a situation where:

 

1) We're meeting exponentially more people and more often than we otherwise would

2) We're putting ourselves "out there" to potentially be rejected more deeply than other areas of life (i.e., people with whom to have sex with)

3) The ways in which you might be rejected are many and diverse

 

My spouse and I have our weaknesses, but we consider ourselves to be above average in the core judgement areas. We have a lot of return dates and couples who have shown interest in us and who continue to do so.

 

With that said, it's AMAZING how we as human beings can have 10 super successful experiences with other couples, but then all it takes is one couple that we really thought we had a connection with to say, "Sorry, we're not interested anymore" to completely rock the boat.

 

Thank goodness that 1) my spouse and I have a really solid foundation of love and respect for one another, 2) that the lifestyle stuff is supplementary, and 3) that we do have some great success and experiences. Otherwise I think the rejections, turn-downs, etc. would be totally devastating.

 

So, what do you think? Do you agree that you need a thick skin to be in the lifestyle? What kinds of things do you do to focus on the good aspects and experiences and roll with the punches with the "bad" experiences?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

No, one does not need a thick skin. One needs perspective.

 

Harken back to the days of teenage dating. (But not for long, it's too painful.) Dating the LS is likely to be far more successful and far more rewarding than teen times because we know ourselves, each other and we understand that it's a fun diversion not a central task.

 

Rejection--friendship, political office, employment, whatever--is part of life. It is also a sign of aspiration. If you are never rejected, you are either perfect (whatever that means) or not stretching yourselves.

[exploringRM 305]

In general rejection in the L/S is part of the L/S. We usually just take the attitude..always another opportunity. But when you get in to repeats with people (and especially if you are friends) and then they say no it can cut one a bit more. I actually feel worse doing the rejection than being the target of it.

[NYFlirts 158]

Hmm... I'd maybe argue that a good perspective is similar to a thick skin. I do agree with your point, "If you are never rejected, you are either perfect (whatever that means) or not stretching yourselves." With that said, we still find it hard to not let rejection get to us, especially in situations where things seem like they are going really well or where things change unexpectedly.

 

Here are a couple examples of situations that we've dealt with in the past week:

 

We messaged a couple about hanging out next Saturday night. They said they were busy and taking a break from the lifestyle. We messaged another couple and they said yes. A few days later the second couple messaged us and said, "Hey, this other couple is trying to get together with us on the same night, do you mind if we expand the group?" Well, guess who the other couple was... the first couple that told us they were "busy / taking a break"!

 

Another couple invited us to their party. We got the invite via FB and we accepted and were excited to go! A few days later we got a note from them saying, "We've decided to make the party smaller." and we were no longer invited.

[wingsonabris 19]

1. Yes you need thick skin.

2. Focus on each other after the `no`.

 

A few times we've made play dates only to be stood up. All dressed up, hot and bothered, right? Blah, we just go home and fuck like animals by ourselves.

My wife and I are in sales so it's not a big deal to us to be told no. As soon as the no comes out, you just move on. It just is what it is.

I do admit, it does suck tho if you get a long string of no's. But, there's a lot of fish out there. Cast your line further

[Chicup 41]

We were recently accused of using old pictures by a couple we met. They were two weeks old. So yea you need a thick skin, and the ability to realize that they are the problem. People are weird, I'm sure we are weird, just roll with it.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Hmm... I'd maybe argue that a good perspective is similar to a thick skin. I do agree with your point, "If you are never rejected, you are either perfect (whatever that means) or not stretching yourselves." With that said, we still find it hard to not let rejection get to us, especially in situations where things seem like they are going really well or where things change unexpectedly.

 

Here are a couple examples of situations that we've dealt with in the past week:

 

We messaged a couple about hanging out next Saturday night. They said they were busy and taking a break from the lifestyle. We messaged another couple and they said yes. A few days later the second couple messaged us and said, "Hey, this other couple is trying to get together with us on the same night, do you mind if we expand the group?" Well, guess who the other couple was... the first couple that told us they were "busy / taking a break"!

 

Another couple invited us to their party. We got the invite via FB and we accepted and were excited to go! A few days later we got a note from them saying, "We've decided to make the party smaller." and we were no longer invited.

 

It doesn't sound like you need thicker skin. I think it sounds more like the people you mention are shallow/socially awkward. We've experienced rejections, but not in these rude ways.

 

Did you tell second couple that couple one wasn't interested in hanging out with you? What happened with that situation?

[nllswing 81]

Rejection hurts. A lot! At least for most people. It is natural, and as Fundamental Law pointed above, having a good perspective helps. Here are couple of examples of what happened to us within last week. I will use first person for the parts that involve strictly my experiences.

 

1. We met a couple during the day and the guy wore a swinger's pin on his hat. This was the most overt statement I have seen in a while. We approached them, chatted a bit about the lifestyle, and before parting I asked them about their SLS handle. At home, I looked them up and from their description I figured out that we were not going to be a match (they were looking for F/F play only or a single F for him). In any case, I wrote to them to say "hi." A couple of days later, the reply came as in "it was fun talking to you, buy play won't happen." Even though I knew that this was the only answer that made sense, I still felt upset and even a bit hurt. Only after thinking it through, I realized that it was for the better.

 

2. We are frequenting a summer nudist campground where many people play. We are still new there (several visits for 2 months) and haven't received the tour to all lifestyle couples. Saturday evening, I passed by one of the campers nearby and saw that three couples we knew were going to have dinner together and were preparing to do it in a camper at the other end of the campground. I stopped nearby to chat with a friend who was having a drink. During that time, I saw one guy rubbing his cock against the ass of a woman from a different couple. Another sucked heavily on some nipples, there was ass spanking, lots of laughing, and other foreplay. My playdar went nuts.

 

As they made their way to the camper where they were going to have their dinner, my friend mentioned that the there couples were swingers, while he and his wife were not, and that he did not judge people based on swinging. He shared that when he has dinner with them, he stays until play begins, and than goes back to his place.

 

There are few words that can explain how I felt at the moment. Sweetie and I have been several times already to this place and made lots of signals that we were not vanilla. And then suddenly, I see bunch of people whom I knew at least somewhat, were going to play and we were not invited. I felt sick, almost like a little kid who was left behind while all other kids were out having fun.

 

Even then I knew that my feelings were irrational. These people did not know that we would be there (we had arrived five hours earlier). They knew each other for years, and have known the newest couple since last year. Also, I knew that even if they were swingers, that still didn't mean that they would want to play with us. Before they left, I tried to say "hi" and check the mood, but they were quite busy in their preparations and with each other, so I backed out and left them alone. My wife was not with me because she was doing some work in the unit we had rented for the weekend.

 

Ten minutes later, having my wife in my arms, I was telling her how "everyone around plays except us!" Feelings are real, and there are there, regardless of whether they are rational or whether we are justified to have them. As such, feeling must be addressed.

 

After that the night didn't go bad. We had some dance, of the kind you have when lots of naked people are put together. Next day we had a nice chat with some of the old-timers, getting to know each other better. Will be back there in a week . . .

[exploringRM 305]

I can't make any comment as to how your are in appearance and personality etc, so don't think I'm being negative for a reason..just speculation. It could be a number of things:

 

1) Maybe there is something specific about you and your wife that is putting people off? Any way you could ask? Again, don't take that personal. You do have a social time so it's not like people are avoid you like the plague! If you have some couples that you play with fine, then this may be a moot point. If it happens all the time, then it could be you.

2) There's more "no-matches" than matches in the l/s. Maybe you are just in a pattern of people that just are not interested in general.

3) Sounds like some of the behavior is rude (couple canceling, being UN-invited..never heard of that). Again could just be chance that you encountered that.

4) You could be the target of some gossip/talk, either founded or un-founded.

 

So what to do. 1) Take an inventory on how you interact with people. Your appearance, any "signals" you emit. Any issues playing? 2) See if you can get into a different crowd, something fresh. 3) Ask some frank questions to people you think will be honest with your. Explain your dilemma and ask for an honest assessment.

 

Swing is supposed to be fun, but yeah there are times where you feel left out, rejected whatever. We all have been there at some point or another.

[PB&J 1,086]

Like Exploring RM, I don't want you to take this in a negative fashion, but I was wondering.

 

Is this couple that blew you off one of your "clingy couples" from that party you started a thread about recently? If so, it is possible that the "keep away" vibes communicated themselves more than you wanted them to. Also remember: this is a public board on which you are posting. It is within the realm of possibility that this couple read your post (hey, they are swingers, this IS Swingersboard, and you may even have mentioned it to your friends as a cool place), and recognized the situation. This may also have been how you got removed from the guest list (and I, too, have never heard of that happening), if that other couple was a part of that circle. People do talk; it's inevitable.

 

Or maybe I'm totally wrong and this isn't one of those couples and they don't know the party people. If so, just ignore me.

[NYFlirts 158]

Did you tell second couple that couple one wasn't interested in hanging out with you? What happened with that situation?

 

It actually went surprisingly well! We debated what to do and decided to take the high road and said, "More people makes a better party!" We all had dinner together and we had fun. The 2nd couple that we thought blew us off was definitely more into the 1st couple than they were into and us... I mean, they were nice and flirty, but it felt a bit like charitable /forced flirting. Fortunately the 1st couple wanted to continue the party with us and we said our goodbyes to the 2nd couple and had a GREAT time with the first. We kinda wonder if the 2nd couple felt snubbed... they are SUPER hot and probably very use to always getting who / what they want. We're pretty sure those 2 couples will hook up in the future, but we're glad we were "chosen" that night!

 

 

I can't make any comment as to how your are in appearance and personality etc, so don't think I'm being negative for a reason..just speculation. It could be a number of things:

 

1) Maybe there is something specific about you and your wife that is putting people off? Any way you could ask? Again, don't take that personal. You do have a social time so it's not like people are avoid you like the plague! If you have some couples that you play with fine, then this may be a moot point. If it happens all the time, then it could be you.

2) There's more "no-matches" than matches in the l/s. Maybe you are just in a pattern of people that just are not interested in general.

3) Sounds like some of the behavior is rude (couple canceling, being UN-invited..never heard of that). Again could just be chance that you encountered that.

4) You could be the target of some gossip/talk, either founded or un-founded.

 

So what to do. 1) Take an inventory on how you interact with people. Your appearance, any "signals" you emit. Any issues playing? 2) See if you can get into a different crowd, something fresh. 3) Ask some frank questions to people you think will be honest with your. Explain your dilemma and ask for an honest assessment.

 

Swing is supposed to be fun, but yeah there are times where you feel left out, rejected whatever. We all have been there at some point or another.

 

We are CRAZY HOT & definitely the most humble people everywhere we go!!!! In all honestly, the Mrs. is definitely hotter than I am & I've never seen a guy turn her down. I'm average, could loose some weight / hit the gym more often, but I don't feel like I'm repulsing the ladies. We do get enough really awesome / hot couples and return dates that we don't feel it is anything intrinsicly wrong with us. We'd SERIOUSLY LOVE to get inside people's heads and know the 100% real reasons why we don't get an initial date, don't get a call-back from a first date, or all of a sudden loose a connection with what we consider close friends... but isn't this what every person in almost any kind of rejection wants? Maybe not, but she and I would be fine with honest feedback... it's just hard to get honesty and without things being weird. So specifically:

 

1) We have a good number of couples that we play with... that most of our friends would die to be with, but this is what makes rejection so odd!!!! We can have 10 world changing amazing experiences, but one rejection from someone and BAM almost all the other experiences fall by the wayside as we focus on that one rejection. Surely we're not the only ones that deal with this?

2) Good point! I think the volume of "no-matches" just reiterates the need for thick skin... like people need when in sales, etc.

3) Ya, the un-invite was weird, so maybe we should chalk that up to them legitimately needed to make the party smaller and not read so much into it? (but the lack of stuff like "We're so sorry, we totally want you there, let's get together soon, etc. makes us think it was that they just changed their minds)

4) Gossip & talk: Actually, you're right! Our conspiracy-theory paranoia engine does rev up from time to time and we do seriously wonder, "Did someone else talk to them that we maybe didn't have a good experience with?" "Did they see us with someone else that they don't like and just got guilt-by-association?"

 

 

Is this couple that blew you off one of your "clingy couples" from that party you started a thread about recently? If so, it is possible that the "keep away" vibes communicated themselves more than you wanted them to. Also remember: this is a public board on which you are posting. It is within the realm of possibility that this couple read your post (hey, they are swingers, this IS Swingersboard, and you may even have mentioned it to your friends as a cool place), and recognized the situation. This may also have been how you got removed from the guest list (and I, too, have never heard of that happening), if that other couple was a part of that circle. People do talk; it's inevitable.

 

Or maybe I'm totally wrong and this isn't one of those couples and they don't know the party people. If so, just ignore me.

 

Great question, but nope they were a different couple entirely. Regarding anonymity: Yup, that's always a concern, but at least in these cases access to this forum didn't play a part.

 

You hit on a great point though: Sometimes I bet "rejection" could simply be:

 

1) Misjudgment on our part

2) Us totally reading WAY too much into a situation (I'm a bit pessimistic / realist / cautious which doesn't help)

3) Not knowing that the other people have their own issues, insecurities, etc. and might just be feeling just as rejected by us and are responding in like-manner.

[PB&J 1,086]

It actually went surprisingly well! We debated what to do and decided to take the high road and said, "More people makes a better party!" We all had dinner together and we had fun. The 2nd couple that we thought blew us off was definitely more into the 1st couple than they were into and us... I mean, they were nice and flirty, but it felt a bit like charitable /forced flirting. Fortunately the 1st couple wanted to continue the party with us and we said our goodbyes to the 2nd couple and had a GREAT time with the first. We kinda wonder if the 2nd couple felt snubbed... they are SUPER hot and probably very use to always getting who / what they want. We're pretty sure those 2 couples will hook up in the future, but we're glad we were "chosen" that night!

 

You mean you two couples sent the other one home?? Wow, I can't imagine how that one played out. Did the "rejected" couple know that the four of you were going to be playing?

[NYFlirts 158]

Believe me, it had the potential to be a disaster from the very first text message where they said, "Hey, this other couple is interested in coming along."

 

Surprisingly, everything from that point on just kept fitting in place... it was kinda like Tetris where you get straight lines all one after another!

 

"Sent them home" is a bit strong. It was more like this: Basically, we all hung out for a long time and at the end of the night the other "2nd couple" kinda got the feeling like us and the other couple were connecting and I think the respected the fact that we & them had arranged things and they were then add-on. At the end of the get-together the 2nd couple said, "Well, we need to head home to get rest for a big day tomorrow." ... and they left. I don't think they knew that we were going to play, so it didn't seem awkward.

 

Here's what's interesting: The 2nd couple... the ones that initially said they were busy, taking a break, etc. messaged us the next morning and said, "We had a great time with you all last night!"

 

I tell ya, this lifestyle is full of twists and turns!

[PB&J 1,086]

Well, glad it all worked out for you!

[2plus2fun 143]

It is imperative to be a mature individual to handle the lifestyle the way it should be, in my opinion. As a male, I find the notion that "being rejected is a huge deal" as somewhat amusing. It is a matter of course for most males trying to date.

 

With that in mind, one of the things that Sharon and I discuss frequently is that people have issues. There are no escapees.

[NYFlirts 158]

UGH, I got TOTALLY rejected last night by a girl that we thought we were going to be playing with in a small group.

 

She wasn't really mean about it, but she definitely could have been more friendly... I mean, it was 3 couples all of whom were at least flirty enough to go into a room together. She just obviously didn't want to have anything to do with me (Mr.). I was even taking advice on this forum by being more assertive. While everyone else was doing stuff and just she and I were there, I said something to her like, "May I come be with you?" To which she replied, "Um... sure, you can come sit next to me." (with emphasis on the I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU, SO JUST SIT OVER HERE NOT TOO CLOSE TO ME!)

 

I'm not the best looking guy in the room, but I definitely don't think I'm hideous. I've been with a lot of much better looking girls than her, and she had been flirty with me before, so it just totally felt like a HUGE slap in the face. All the rest of the night she was SUPER all over the other two guys in the room, but wouldn't give me the time of day.

 

To add insult to injury: at the end of the night when everyone was saying goodbye (my wife hugged / kissed her & her husband) when I went in to give the girl a quick kiss she TOTALLY turned her head away. In my mind I was like, "Am I seriously that repulsive that you can't even give me a quick goodbye kiss like all the other 5 people in the room just did with each-other?!"

 

I know this part is all on me, but I just can't get this slight bitterness out of my mind around being totally rejected. I just keep reliving it over-and-over and it's overshadowing all the other fun we had. It's kinda like being on an amazing trip, hiking in a beautiful place with wonderful people... everything is perfect, but you've got a splinter in your foot and that's all you can think about.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

UGH, I got TOTALLY rejected last night by a girl that we thought we were going to be playing with in a small group.

 

She wasn't really mean about it, but she definitely could have been more friendly... I mean, it was 3 couples all of whom were at least flirty enough to go into a room together. She just obviously didn't want to have anything to do with me (Mr.). I was even taking advice on this forum by being more assertive. While everyone else was doing stuff and just she and I were there, I said something to her like, "May I come be with you?" To which she replied, "Um... sure, you can come sit next to me." (with emphasis on the I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU, SO JUST SIT OVER HERE NOT TOO CLOSE TO ME!)

 

I'm not the best looking guy in the room, but I definitely don't think I'm hideous. I've been with a lot of much better looking girls than her, and she had been flirty with me before, so it just totally felt like a HUGE slap in the face. All the rest of the night she was SUPER all over the other two guys in the room, but wouldn't give me the time of day.

 

To add insult to injury: at the end of the night when everyone was saying goodbye (my wife hugged / kissed her & her husband) when I went in to give the girl a quick kiss she TOTALLY turned her head away. In my mind I was like, "Am I seriously that repulsive that you can't even give me a quick goodbye kiss like all the other 5 people in the room just did with each-other?!"

 

I know this part is all on me, but I just can't get this slight bitterness out of my mind around being totally rejected. I just keep reliving it over-and-over and it's overshadowing all the other fun we had. It's kinda like being on an amazing trip, hiking in a beautiful place with wonderful people... everything is perfect, but you've got a splinter in your foot and that's all you can think about.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Perhaps she shouldn't have agreed to the group situation.

 

It might help to put yourself in her shoes. I'm sure there have been girls that for whatever reason you weren't attracted to. It sounds like she was doing the best she could with an awkward situation. It can be very difficult to turn someone down when everyone around you is playing. But, if you just go ahead and play with someone when you don't want to, generally it doesn't work well and you feel bad about it later. I would consider how you would handle it if you were in her position.

 

I would chalk it up to experience and let it go. We had something somewhat similar happen a few months ago. Three couples. Couple #1 invited us and #2 to their room. It turned out one couple (#2) was not interested in us. We should have determined that better before we went to play. We had all been dirty dancing together, but didn't take the time to talk much one on one with couple #2. We didn't feel bad, it just didn't work out. It was more our fault for accepting the invitation from couple #1 without verifying interest from couple #2. Sidenote: we left early right before major drama erupted with #2.

 

So my advice would be don't blame her or yourself. Don't consider it TOTAL REJECTION; it didn't work between you two for some reason. You know that many girls enjoy you and many more will want you. Just watch out for that situation in the future with group play.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

How to say this without making myself sound like a smarty pants. I don't know. I will tell you, however, that many years were required for my wife's and my swing lives to evolve. But we now, at a party, go separately to find our own fun. It's just too difficult for spontaneous hook-ups to happen two-on-two. Your swing adventure might be too new for this or this might never become your style. Way it works for us is that we harbor no doubts that one of us will do anything that will embarrass the other and neither of us will be swept off our feet by a designing person of the other gender. I'm observing that it is quite the norm for swingers of our age group.

 

Each of us had to get over the reaction of, "how could you even think of screwing him (her)?" We are both adults and can face the consequence, if any, and they happen seldom, of any impulsive decision.

 

Another aspect, I have to set my "control freak" accessory into it's "off" position. I have to embrace the idea that my wife is completely capable of having fun without my being there to direct the show.

 

I am not going to recommend this as a solution. It is not for everybody. Many people do make the two-on-two work. It happens for us still, upon occasion.

 

Finally, I heartily agree with the others. Time will heal.

[Guy1964 177]

I had the chance to think about this post after a work related situation. I think success in anything requires, to some extent, a thick skin. When I've had my feelings hurt, I've stopped trying as hard, which lead to less success. I once heard Jeff Fisher say that to be successful, you've got to have a short memory. Generally, I'm more successful if I can shake things off and move toward creating what I want, instead of dwelling on what didn't work. Thank you for reminding me of that lesson.

[SAMnTINA 362]

At some point you learn some will, some won't, many just pretend. While we enjoy meeting and playing with new couples, we know when ever we go out we will have a great time and that hot sex is only a matter of will they or will we go home and have a blast with each other. We quite worrying about what others thought long ago, if they don't see what we see in each other that's their loss.

 

We are here for fun together and not validation.

[81lizard69 470]

This is coming from a life long sales guy...

 

You have to take the rejections. Hell I deal with a ratio that is over 15 to 1.. and usually the one at work for me is a maybe. I treat everyone with respect and leave them wanting more. Even the aholes.. Swinging can really show our faults and insecurities if you have not worked fualts and insecuriteis you could be missing out. Earlier this Spring we went to a party in a very large affluent home. I had to watch myself cause I wanted to talk about how successful I was at work because I was intimidated. But, after I got to know them I was able to let go of the insecurites and get to know the host and hostess My wife had the host and I got a nice bj by the pool from the hostess.

 

What I am saying is.. I could have went down the negative path and started a train of thought that could have went like this. I could have thought Jeez these people are rich and they must be arrogant and she must only be with him for his money... I did not go down that path and ended up having a really nice time.

 

One guy asked me once.. are you asleep dreaming you are awake.. In other words are you aware enough to take advantage of your opportunities.

 

I am not judging.. Just saying that perspective is everything.

[NYFlirts 158]

Great stuff!

 

Ya, I realize I absolutely have to work on my perspective and take note of all the great things that have happened and keep happening and just let the occasional negative experiences roll past me.

 

We also need to work harder on not getting our validation from others and realizing that all this stuff is supplemental to our lives, our happiness, etc. and not essential to it.

[NYFlirts 158]

Well, here's another one:

 

We met a couple at a party, seemed like everything went well... chemistry, flirting, "Can't wait to see you again" etc. A few days after the party we shot them a quick "Hey it was great to finally meet you in person." To which they said, "It was nice meeting you too. Unfortunately we've decided we're taking a break from the lifestyle."

 

Not a big deal, right? Well, we see them logged into the lifestyle site ALL THE TIME and also see that they are active in chat. Doesn't sound like a break to me, but that we got a lame blow-off excuse.

 

We'll take it as a "not interested", but we're still wondering what happened, especially since things seemed to have gone well.

[angelkin 1,326]

Well, here's another one:

 

We met a couple at a party, seemed like everything went well... chemistry, flirting, "Can't wait to see you again" etc. A few days after the party we shot them a quick "Hey it was great to finally meet you in person." To which they said, "It was nice meeting you too. Unfortunately we've decided we're taking a break from the lifestyle."

 

Not a big deal, right? Well, we see them logged into the lifestyle site ALL THE TIME and also see that they are active in chat. Doesn't sound like a break to me, but that we got a lame blow-off excuse.

 

We'll take it as a "not interested", but we're still wondering what happened, especially since things seemed to have gone well.

 

Don't take it personally, I know that even when we're busy and taking a break from the lifestyle, we're online on the sites and chatting too,

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Well, here's another one:

 

We met a couple at a party, seemed like everything went well... chemistry, flirting, "Can't wait to see you again" etc. A few days after the party we shot them a quick "Hey it was great to finally meet you in person." To which they said, "It was nice meeting you too. Unfortunately we've decided we're taking a break from the lifestyle."

 

Not a big deal, right? Well, we see them logged into the lifestyle site ALL THE TIME and also see that they are active in chat. Doesn't sound like a break to me, but that we got a lame blow-off excuse.

 

We'll take it as a "not interested", but we're still wondering what happened, especially since things seemed to have gone well.

 

I don't know...sometimes we take a break from the LS but Mr. Sun still logs on just to look at the pictures.

[exploringRM 305]

Well, here's another one:

 

We met a couple at a party, seemed like everything went well... chemistry, flirting, "Can't wait to see you again" etc. A few days after the party we shot them a quick "Hey it was great to finally meet you in person." To which they said, "It was nice meeting you too. Unfortunately we've decided we're taking a break from the lifestyle."

 

Not a big deal, right? Well, we see them logged into the lifestyle site ALL THE TIME and also see that they are active in chat. Doesn't sound like a break to me, but that we got a lame blow-off excuse.

 

We'll take it as a "not interested", but we're still wondering what happened, especially since things seemed to have gone well.

 

I would chalk it up to two things. 1) Alot of people stay online and in chat even when not actively seeking play. 2) They found it easier to turn you down via email. Just move on to the next opportunity

[junglecouple 127]

Yep... sometimes we meet and play a few times a week, and sometimes we take a couple of months off, but you wouldn't know our intent by our continued presence in chat and browsing profiles. IE: just because I quite riding the motorcycle for a few months (taking a break) doesn't mean I got rid of the bike.

[Fours Company 169]

Wholeheartedly agree about needing a thick skin for this and one of the reasons I usually have a much harder time than the wife dealing with the sometimes negativity of the LS. This stems from the fact that even though the wife still has her insecurities about not being attractive enough, too old, etc. the reality is she has found no shortage of guys wanting to play with her while I've had to work much harder at it or rely more on luck. So while the LS has benefited her esteem, it has at times had the opposite result for me.

 

Sometimes, it makes it even more frustrating when I compare myself the the many of the guys I have seen and we have played with in the LS as well as my not exactly high success rate with women before we were married and it can turn someone else's decision into something so ego-crushingly personal.

 

So yes, there is that bitter-tasting, deflating moment when a couple turns us down or mysteriously vanishes after contact or meeting and only serves to open that door of insecurity as to which one of us were "at fault".

[PB&J 1,086]

Sometimes when two couples are meeting for the first time, and the partners have not had a chance to talk things over privately, signals can get mixed. I know certainly in our case there was one time several years ago that we met a couple just for drinks, PB really liked the female half, while the male half did nothing for me, but my dear husband didn't pick up on that until afterwards when I told him. However, the other couple sent us a note saying they wanted to proceed, and I'm the one who had to write the message that the chemistry just wasn't there. So really, as far as we're concerned, until couples have had a chance to communicate privately, all bets are off.

 

Oh, and we now have as a result of that experience a code phrase that essentially communicates "Forget it, dear, it ain't happening."

[NYFlirts 158]

Good points regarding people "taking a break" but still visiting the site, chatting, etc. I guess it's also possible that one part of the couple is taking a break and the other still visits the site to see what's going on for the day that they are back in the game.

 

...the reality is she has found no shortage of guys wanting to play with her while I've had to work much harder at it or rely more on luck. So while the LS has benefited her esteem, it has at times had the opposite result for me.

 

Wow, you sparked two thoughts:

 

1) Women in general have an easier time than guys at getting attention. Don't believe me? Take a VERY average girl and an exactly equally average guy. Put each of them up on any dating site and see which one gets the most attention. Sure, maybe it's social, cultural, or whatever... but the fact remains the same: It's easier for a girl to get attention and get guys than vice versa (all things in looks being equal).

 

2) My general self esteem has gone through the wringers! In some areas it's been boosted, but for the most part I've never had so many insecurities highlighted before. Here's the problem, in the Lifestyle, my weaknesses are highlighted and many of my strengths are ignored. I'm an average looking guy that could loose some weight (highlighted). On the flip side, I'm very successful in business, entrepreneurial, pretty smart, etc. My hot wife says one of the reasons she proposed to me was because of my "sexy brain." Unfortunately, not many girls get to see that side from a profile pic or first glance at a club.

[Chicup 41]

1) Women in general have an easier time than guys at getting attention. Don't believe me? Take a VERY average girl and an exactly equally average guy. Put each of them up on any dating site and see which one gets the most attention. Sure, maybe it's social, cultural, or whatever... but the fact remains the same: It's easier for a girl to get attention and get guys than vice versa (all things in looks being equal).

 

2) My general self esteem has gone through the wringers! In some areas it's been boosted, but for the most part I've never had so many insecurities highlighted before. Here's the problem, in the Lifestyle, my weaknesses are highlighted and many of my strengths are ignored. I'm an average looking guy that could loose some weight (highlighted). On the flip side, I'm very successful in business, entrepreneurial, pretty smart, etc. My hot wife says one of the reasons she proposed to me was because of my "sexy brain." Unfortunately, not many girls get to see that side from a profile pic or first glance at a club.

 

This is what made me want to start to get in shape originally. I was getting rejected by women who's husbands were no better or worse than I was. It has helped tremendously, but interestingly its now bugging my wife a bit. Now I have attractive women who want me, which has made me feel pretty good about myself, but shes feeling shafted a bit because often their husbands are in worse shape than I ever was.

 

Seems we can't ever win completely.

[Fours Company 169]

2) My general self esteem has gone through the wringers! In some areas it's been boosted, but for the most part I've never had so many insecurities highlighted before. Here's the problem, in the Lifestyle, my weaknesses are highlighted and many of my strengths are ignored. I'm an average looking guy that could loose some weight (highlighted). On the flip side, I'm very successful in business, entrepreneurial, pretty smart, etc. My hot wife says one of the reasons she proposed to me was because of my "sexy brain." Unfortunately, not many girls get to see that side from a profile pic or first glance at a club.

 

I surely can identify with those feelings. No matter how many successes I have had in the LS, I always seem to dwell on the negatives which negates the positives as well as the having the whole strength/weakness dilemma.

 

While I could stand to lose the extra cushion that aging and mostly sedentary jobs have bequeathed me, I am still within my HWP and try to stay active as well as still being toned from past dedicated weight-training. A lot of the guys I've seen in the LS and we've been with are much more out-of-shape and overweight (and frankly lesser in other areas) and IMO it is my wife who has been dealt the short end of the stick (no pun intended) in a lot of our past play.

 

Yet, on the other hand I am socially introverted and lacking at times in the art of small talk, let alone seduction. As a result those same guys who are more physically at a disadvantage are more socially and sexually confident which seems at times to be a more valuable a skill in the LS.

 

Also, like you, those who know me would be apt to describe me as very knowledgeable , smart and with a good (if not dry) sense of humor. Yet it is difficult to overcome the intial shyness in order to get to the point of displaying these qualities.