A good teaching moment...

[LFM2 1,482]

Last night, we attended a Meet & Greet with our local group. We met up with our usual couple, had dinner, played for a while and then went to this M&G.

 

There were a lot of new people there, but to be fair, we haven't been to one of these M&G's since May.

 

One of the local single males brought his cousin. I'd never met either until tonight. (He said he was his brother, the guy said they were cousins.) Family either way.

 

The hostess of this M&G brought him around and introduced him to everyone. We shook hands and I avoided the kiss he offered.

 

Now, we try to make everyone welcome. We really do. As soon as L had introduced him to the group, he, unfortunately thought it was a free-for-all. I really believe this vanilla man thought coming to a swinger function would be a quick meet and fuck...without the strings. I'm finding this all too often that single men think they can go to a M&G or house party and score without any problems. (my opinion)

 

He was rubbing himself on every woman there, playing with all the butts he could find and generally, being a nuisance.

 

He was a nice looking, longer hair, and soft spoken.

 

He came up to our table later on in the evening. We were talking to a new couple, and a single female of our group.

 

So, to make a long story short, he was feeling sorry for himself because he wasn't getting any sex. I don't know if his brother promised him sex, but he isn't what anyone is looking for in a single male. He was pushy, way too touchy and drank too much.

 

When I'd first met him, I asked him if I could touch his hair. He gave his consent, so I did, as did a friend of mine. We both thought his hair was rather sexy. So, when he'd sat next to me at the end (of my night, anyway) of the night, he kind of had an Eeyore attitude. "Nobody likes me".

 

I sat him down and asked him what he thought he was hoping to get out of this party.

 

He asked me if I would take him home with me. "Um, no." When he asked why, I told him, "I'm taking him home with me" and pointed to Dave. He asked if I would take him home too. The answer was still a resounding, "NO!".

 

He said, "But you're so gorgeous. Why won't you take me home?" (will flattery change my mind?)

 

I replied, "Because you're too pushy and you don't follow rules too well". Too honest? Maybe.

 

He told me that the bartender had cut him off because he was trying to "come on" to every woman in the bar. He claimed he wasn't doing this, but I told him I thought the bartender was right. (I never said I was subtle.) If I see bad behavior, and they complain they can't get a fair shake, I don't mind calling them on this. Maybe it's because I have no filter. Shit just comes pouring out of my mouth before I can process it all. I don't see this as a bad thing. I see this as a teaching moment.

 

When I told him some basic rules like "no touching without permission" and reminded him that I didn't touch his hair without permission, the same was required before rubbing up on the ladies and rubbing their asses. Now, his brother or cousin or whomever he was, didn't talk to him about the rules , he obviously didn't know. He looked at me like I had two heads; I could read his eyes... "There are rules?" He slunk off, probably feeling like he'd been kicked in the balls.

 

So, this half night of catching up and meeting up with new people was spent mostly talking to this new guy about basic manners and rules. This should have been left to his brother, cousin or whatever he was and/or the host and hostess.

 

The joys of M&G's and house parties.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I for one appreciate straight talk and it sounds as if that was exactly what he needed.

[lotsoffun201 175]

It's a lesson he will never forget. I think we could all guarantee he wouldn't do that again, and perhaps take that lesson with him to vanilla dating as well. You did a good thing. Kudos to you!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Regrettable that so many clueless people exist. And you are a good person for trying to turn the situation into a teaching moment. Who knows? Describing your experience here might even provide a key clue to somebody who stumbles onto this Web site carrying the unfounded belief that a meet-n-greet event is actually a greet-n-meat event.

[LFM2 1,482]

You know what was sad is that there were women there who didn't say a thing to him. It's like letting a 2 year old get away with eating cookies before dinner. There's no consistency there. Even though there are rules posted on the hosts' website, nobody calls anyone else on bad behavior.

 

I'm probably branded a big ol' bitch.

[2plus2fun 143]

Having some sort of orientation process for new people is also helpful. Our club provides orientation but we also register everyone who attends any event.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

You know what was sad is that there were women there who didn't say a thing to him. It's like letting a 2 year old get away with eating cookies before dinner. There's no consistency there. Even though there are rules posted on the hosts' website, nobody calls anyone else on bad behavior.

 

 

I'm guilty of this...sometimes guys will ask if they can touch and sometimes they don't. Last night, one gentleman asked but I declined. Another did not ask but I didn't say anything. However, we did get up off of the bed quickly afterwards and hopefully he got the hint. Unfortunately, this same male (from a couple) is always trying to get us to swap whenever we see them at a party and we've declined every time.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

LFM, you did absolutely the right thing. Of course, you don't need me to tell you that I'll take you being a 'bitch' (being in total control of herself) over the others who refused to say anything to him about his behavior.

 

Unfortunately, I think there are quite a number of vanilla people who think that house parties and swingers in general are all just about sexsexsexsex and the more we get the happier we are and we don't care with whom. This guy seems to come from that (wrong) line of thinking.

[asncpl 730]

I'm guilty of this...sometimes guys will ask if they can touch and sometimes they don't. Last night, one gentleman asked but I declined. Another did not ask but I didn't say anything. However, we did get up off of the bed quickly afterwards and hopefully he got the hint. Unfortunately, this same male (from a couple) is always trying to get us to swap whenever we see them at a party and we've declined every time.

 

So am I. I usually go for the non confrontational approach first like leaving the situation first, but if the guy is persistent, then I would say something. Unfortunately some people don't seem to get the hint despite many "no's"

[LFM2 1,482]

LFM, you did absolutely the right thing. Of course, you don't need me to tell you that I'll take you being a 'bitch' (being in total control of herself) over the others who refused to say anything to him about his behavior.

 

Well, thank you! I think you know me well enough from my posts here that I'm really not. OK, sometimes, I am.

[Guy1964 177]

I think you did the right thing. Hearing what you told him probably hurt, but if you didn't he would have continued the same way at other events. Your feedback gives him a chance to go to other events and be accepted. It's what I would want if I were in a situation where I was clueless.

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

Social graces extend to vanilla and LS events.

 

Rule 0 (comes before the No means No #1) is to avoid gatherings if you're unwilling to participate in the group's spirit or structure. We all deal with this on some level, whether it is a meeting that you know will be a waste of time but are required to attend; accompanying your s/o to an activity that s/he loves and you do not; visiting friends who believe that Sunday mornings are for bike rides where you believe that sleep is indicated. Be engaged or don't show up. It might not be at the top of your list, but it's at the top of somebody's. Eeyore needs to remain in the 100 Acre Wood.

 

A corollary to the rule is that you have to learn about a group's spirit or structure. Some years back, I was with a group that was baseball-happy. Personally, I'm a fair-weather fan at best. But I knew that on Monday mornings, a discussion would ensue about the weekend games. So I made it a point to listen to the wrap-up on my drive in to work and would have something to discuss. Over the months, I learned a bit about the game, personalities and so on. That knowledge enabled a fair number of small-talk entrees with business partners over the years. My point is that learning about groups, their spirit and structure is often a pretty good investment in human relations.

 

These are basic manners and hardly specific to the LS. However, just as the LS will quickly expose fault lines in marriages, the LS will just as quickly expose comfort and skill in interactions with people from different backgrounds and perspectives. In fact, that's one reason that M and G's can be so enlightening--you learn how people treat each other and interact with their clothes on.

[JandKinBoise 859]

I kinda feel bad for the guy. He may have not wanted to go, but his brother/cuz wanted to show off how cool he is. He may have described the place as more of an orgy than the reality. Then there were all these sexy people and plenty of booze. He had to be told, bummer you had to deal with it. His brother should be pulled aside and have his "bring a guest" privileges revoked. This teaching moment could have been done painlessly before he walked in. Makes you wonder really. You said he was pretty good looking and fairly smooth. probably gets a lot of vanilla pussy. Maybe single guy was sick of his attitude and wanted him taken down a notch so he tosses him into an ocean of available pussy with no clue as to how to get it. hmm.

[RunSilentRunDee 127]

Well done. With a guy like that, "blunt" is the only way to get him to listen.

 

I am sorry you had to spend your own time to do it, though.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Good for you on taking advantage of the opportunity to set him straight. I think sometimes we have to do this, because just letting them continue in the error of their ways will do nothing but get them banned, and leave them trying to figure out what happened.