Thoughts on "one-sided" swinging and effects on a marriage?

[eldiablo311 201]

How do you feel about couples that "swing" where the wife is the only one that plays with other people?

 

My wife and I have an arrangement that she can sleep with other women as long as I am there and watching, even if the other woman is married and me and the other guy watch. We have also talked about, but have not done this yet, her sleeping with another guy and I would watch/have a MFM with my wife. My wife is not comfortable with me sleeping with other women at this point, and honestly I am completely fine with that. I feel we both get A LOT of excitement out of this arrangement. Her for obvious reasons, and me because I get to watch my wife and experience my deepest fantasies! Once again we have not invited another male into our bedroom yet, but I think we both feel we would be willing to try now to see how we feel about it.

 

I have heard arguments that this is "one-sided" and will lead to disaster for our marriage! That the only way we should proceed is if my wife is willing to allow me to fuck other women as well. I don't feel that this is one-sided though, I feel that I am very much included in the activities and my wife is doing this for me.

 

Any thoughts?

[Chicup 41]

This is how the usual disaster happens.

 

Husband wants to swing. Wife says no. Husband convinces wife to have an MFM or do something solo hoping that she will come around to letting him play later. Wife really enjoys the extra cock but still doesn't want him to play. Husband gets mad and tells wife they are done. Wife has a hissy fit. Drama.

 

The other type is husband and wife decide to have an "open" marriage. Wife finds a boytoy by the weekend. Husband is still pulling his pud three months later. Husband wants to call it quits. Wife is in love with boytoy. Drama.

 

Now if you are more a "hot wife" type than a swinger, sure it might work out for you. We have just seen a number of "totally fine" guys in one sided relationships who are not totally fine later, so the warning is more of a blanket statement. Maybe for you its going to be fine. Personally I think anything "unequal" is bad in marriage.

[81lizard69 470]

What Hiccup said.

 

Its true. This sounds like manipulation at best. This can really back fire. Sure the occasional mmf are nice, but that can get old real fast. My wife has this man toy with a huge ... any ways. Its not so much fun for me and this is all about the couple having fun. Sitting and waiting to hear her say lets find a couple may take to long. We play as a couple with a couple. If she notices I am not having a good time she will come back to me and I to her.

 

I am not saying this wont work. But I have seen some real frustration on either side of the fence when one is getting more than the other. It takes a well intune couple to notice that the pleasure is for both and should be as close to equal as you can get. One of my good swinger friends just sent his wife to Mexico with her lover and he was having a hard time with it because he could not find a woman for him to be with. He was almost fifty and not so good looking. he kinda sees the writing on the wall. His wife is hot and he is middle aged at best. He wants to swing but sends her out alone and he does not get as much as her. Hence the relationship and his desires are not balanced with hers.

 

Try to set your ego and what you think will happen with what is actually happening now. Why attract something you do not want.

 

In other words why agree to something that you may not want to do to get some one to do something that you want them to do.

 

Maybe it will be different for you.

Keep us informed.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

In my opinion and from what I've seen in real life and here on the forum, this type of arrangement does not go well. I don't think the gender of the person you are fucking matters. If one is allowed to play and the other is not that imbalance leads to problems down the road. If both are allowed to play, but one chooses not to this is a slight improvement.

 

Not everything can be equal in swinging, but starting out with a large difference in freedoms doesn't work in my opinion and my experience.

 

I also feel each person should be doing it for themselves, not for their spouse.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I also feel each person should be doing it for themselves, not for their spouse.

 

I will always be suspicious of any rationalization that begins or ends with, "I'm doing this for her."

[Fours Company 169]

We agree with what others have said about such situations not ending well. We play as a couple which means the understanding all will be involved equally. We have no problem doing "soft play" with a couple or just letting the women go at it, but if one of them wants more with one of us it will have to be tit-for-tat with their significant other.

 

Out of the times one of us was left out, either because the other woman was tired (so she said), freaking out or the man was too boozed up, there was a little resentment and feeling of exclusion on one of our parts; the last such situation at least having a small bearing on our decision to quit the LS for awhile.

[eldiablo311 201]

This is how the usual disaster happens.

 

Husband wants to swing. Wife says no. Husband convinces wife to have an MFM or do something solo hoping that she will come around to letting him play later. Wife really enjoys the extra cock but still doesn't want him to play. Husband gets mad and tells wife they are done. Wife has a hissy fit. Drama.

 

The other type is husband and wife decide to have an "open" marriage. Wife finds a boytoy by the weekend. Husband is still pulling his pud three months later. Husband wants to call it quits. Wife is in love with boytoy. Drama.

 

Now if you are more a "hot wife" type than a swinger, sure it might work out for you. We have just seen a number of "totally fine" guys in one sided relationships who are not totally fine later, so the warning is more of a blanket statement. Maybe for you its going to be fine. Personally I think anything "unequal" is bad in marriage.

 

 

Thanks for the advice! Good to know what the potential pitfalls are for sure! I will say that I absolutely wouldn't mind fucking another girl, but that having been said I honestly am not asking her to do anything expecting some kind of favor to be returned. I really don't feel, at this point, that I expect anything...other than what we have discussed. If I started to feel like it was becoming "unequal" or "unfair" in anyway I would tell her immediately.

[eldiablo311 201]

What Hiccup said.

 

Its true. This sounds like manipulation at best. This can really back fire. Sure the occasional mmf are nice, but that can get old real fast. My wife has this man toy with a huge ... any ways. Its not so much fun for me and this is all about the couple having fun. Sitting and waiting to hear her say lets find a couple may take to long. We play as a couple with a couple. If she notices I am not having a good time she will come back to me and I to her.

 

I am not saying this wont work. But I have seen some real frustration on either side of the fence when one is getting more than the other. It takes a well intune couple to notice that the pleasure is for both and should be as close to equal as you can get. One of my good swinger friends just sent his wife to Mexico with her lover and he was having a hard time with it because he could not find a woman for him to be with. He was almost fifty and not so good looking. he kinda sees the writing on the wall. His wife is hot and he is middle aged at best. He wants to swing but sends her out alone and he does not get as much as her. Hence the relationship and his desires are not balanced with hers.

 

Try to set your ego and what you think will happen with what is actually happening now. Why attract something you do not want.

 

In other words why agree to something that you may not want to do to get some one to do something that you want them to do.

 

Maybe it will be different for you.

Keep us informed.

 

M and N

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom! The thing is that I am the one that has been trying to talk her into doing this stuff, and she is coming around to the idea of it now. It is my fantasy and she is only willing to sleep with another person because it turns me on so much. She has said many times, she is not looking for any of this, but of course it is fun for her. She has already slept with another guys wife recently and me and the other guy watched. We tried to have same room sex afterwards but the guy gave up too soon, he couldn't get it up.

 

We have not invited another male into our bedroom yet, but once again this is my fantasy primarily. It turns me on to think of another guy fucking my wife and me fucking her at the same time or afterwards!

[eldiablo311 201]

In my opinion and from what I've seen in real life and here on the forum, this type of arrangement does not go well. I don't think the gender of the person you are fucking matters. If one is allowed to play and the other is not that imbalance leads to problems down the road. If both are allowed to play, but one chooses not to this is a slight improvement.

 

Not everything can be equal in swinging, but starting out with a large difference in freedoms doesn't work in my opinion and my experience.

 

I also feel each person should be doing it for themselves, not for their spouse.

 

Thank you for the advice!

 

I hope it doesn't lead to any problems down the road for us! Right now we are perfectly fine, no bad feelings at all! And she has now slept with another guys wife on a recent vacation, me and the other guy watched. It was insanely exciting for everyone! We had a great time and awesome sex that whole vacation, couldn't get enough of each other!

 

Also last year I bought her a private dance with a male stripper and he was very respectful and asked me if it was okay every time before he did anything to her. After awhile he had his hand down her pants inside her panties rubbing her clit while he was kissing her neck and breasts! The best part of it was I was very included. I was doing all the same things he was doing to her at the same time! All the attention was focused on making her feel great! It was an amazing experience and we don't regret it at all and we also had amazing sex for like the next week or so because of that!!

 

I feel, if anything, this stuff has drawn us closer together!

[eldiablo311 201]

I will always be suspicious of any rationalization that begins or ends with, "I'm doing this for her."

 

I feel like our situation is 50/50. It is 50% me wanting it to happen and 50% her. I feel the excitement is very much equal for both of us.

[eldiablo311 201]

We agree with what others have said about such situations not ending well. We play as a couple which means the understanding all will be involved equally. We have no problem doing "soft play" with a couple or just letting the women go at it, but if one of them wants more with one of us it will have to be tit-for-tat with their significant other.

 

Out of the times one of us was left out, either because the other woman was tired (so she said), freaking out or the man was too boozed up, there was a little resentment and feeling of exclusion on one of our parts; the last such situation at least having a small bearing on our decision to quit the LS for awhile.

 

The thing with us is, if we play with another couple, it would be like what just happened on a recent trip. My wife and the other wife went at it, while me and the other husband drank beers and watched! Afterwards we tried to have same room sex, but that did not work out. This is what we would be comfortable with with another couple. Maybe eventually a full swap, but for us that is down the road a ways.

 

I would not feel comfortable with my wife playing with the other wife AND husband, and I have told her that. She understands and agrees that wouldn't be right. That would be unequal and would make me feel left out for sure.

[eldiablo311 201]

I just assumed that the wife playing and husband only playing with the wife was one aspect of the lifestyle. Maybe this is not? I just thought this was common in the lifestyle, just like soft swap, full swap etc. Kind of like a voyeurism fetish except you can also participate if you want with you wife only.

 

The thing is also, that we are not ruling out swapping partners somewhere down the road, it's just that right now we are new at this and this is what we are comfortable with right now. Later on, this may change but we will take it as it comes. Are number 1 rule is that we don't do anything that makes the other person feel uncomfortable! Period!

[confused12524 201]

Its only a problem if its a problem for you.

 

Most of our play is "one sided" but that's by my choice. I am more of as someone else said a "hotwife swinger" so I would rather my wife have a guy than me have a girl.

 

At the same time its not a rule. So I'm free to do so if I want. Maybe I would feel different if it was imposed like that

[eldiablo311 201]

Its only a problem if its a problem for you.

 

Most of our play is "one sided" but that's by my choice. I am more of as someone else said a "hotwife swinger" so I would rather my wife have a guy than me have a girl.

 

At the same time its not a rule. So I'm free to do so if I want. Maybe I would feel different if it was imposed like that

 

That's the way we feel about it, it's what we want to do at this point, and what we both have discussed and agreed upon, so why is that bad? Hopefully we are not putting our marriage in danger...but I feel that even with regular swinging, full swap, soft swap etc, you can potentially put your marriage in danger as well to the same degree as "hotwifing".

 

I guess this kind of thing is described as "hotwifing"? But I also like to see my wife with other women as well.

[eldiablo311 201]

I always assumed swingers were pretty much open to doing whatever, but I think I am learning that this idea of the wife playing but not the husband is not very accepted. I thought in the lifestyle you just do what makes both participants feel comfortable and stop at the point where someone starts feeling uncomfortable? Right now, my wife is not comfortable with me fucking another girl, so I respect that, but that doesn't change the fact that I get turned on to see her fucking other people.

 

This seems like a hot topic for swingers, one sided play. But I just figured that was a type of swinging.

 

Isn't a big part of the excitement of swapping, seeing your wife getting fucked and seeing how turned on she gets by the other person? Or am I wrong?

[Chicup 41]

That's the way we feel about it, it's what we want to do at this point, and what we both have discussed and agreed upon, so why is that bad? Hopefully we are not putting our marriage in danger...but I feel that even with regular swinging, full swap, soft swap etc, you can potentially put your marriage in danger as well to the same degree as "hotwifing".

 

I guess this kind of thing is described as "hotwifing"? But I also like to see my wife with other women as well.

 

Its not quite the same. He doesn't want to play with other women but can. You want to be can't.

[exploringRM 305]

I'm on the same opinion as most of the posters. The red flag for me is her being ok bring with other men but you are not allowed to be with other women. If a couple has a preference for MFM it's old thing but the forbidden nature is just wrong.

[Fours Company 169]

I always assumed swingers were pretty much open to doing whatever, but I think I am learning that this idea of the wife playing but not the husband is not very accepted. I thought in the lifestyle you just do what makes both participants feel comfortable and stop at the point where someone starts feeling uncomfortable? Right now, my wife is not comfortable with me fucking another girl, so I respect that, but that doesn't change the fact that I get turned on to see her fucking other people.

 

This seems like a hot topic for swingers, one sided play. But I just figured that was a type of swinging.

 

Isn't a big part of the excitement of swapping, seeing your wife getting fucked and seeing how turned on she gets by the other person? Or am I wrong?

 

 

Yes, you are absolutely correct one-sided play can be the meat and potatoes of the LS for some as indicated by the posters here. It may work perfectly for them as well as yourself, we were just speaking of our own experiences in that sooner or later resentment might creep in.

 

In most of the situations where we were in one-sided play was unexpected due to the other spouse changing the dynamics from what one of us thought we'd be getting and it caused the let-down feeling of being negated to the bench while the other was free to enjoy themselves as well as feelings of "what's wrong with me?"

The only time it worked out was when we made an exception to our couples-only rule with a single guy at a club, the difference being the understanding ahead of time one of us was definatly going to out so there would no possibility of anticipation only to be let-down and yes the male half of us is very turned on by watching the wife with another man but we want to make sure that both of us have equal opportunity most of the time.

 

Again, only speaking for our experience, although have heard this from others, the man is usually the first to agree to full swap for his wife, while it takes the woman a little longer to come around to accepting seeing her husband with another woman. Since there's no shortage of theories about the differences between how the genders think about love/sex/jealously, we won't step into that mine field.

 

So basicly the problems we've had varied depending on circumstance and perhaps one can do single-play all the time as long as they accept they will not get (maybe never) a play-partner of their own and are not judging anyone's choice here. If they can make it work, enjoy it. But like we said based upon our experiences, for us it's just a rule-bending desert not the main dish.

[mikeswinger56 15]

The mfm threesome arrangement can work and does work for us . The thing that , in my opinion , can cause a problem is her playing without you . It may be considered one sided , however , if you both are happy and satisfied why not ? In my opinion swinging is something you do together . I don't see anything good coming from swinging apart . Do you want her to date other men with you not present ? Or watch , join in , film etc. Are you interested in swinging mfm style or variants of swinging ie cuckold or the hotwife lifestyle ? Also what if someone you know sees your wife out on a date ? Can of worms ?

[eldiablo311 201]

The mfm threesome arrangement can work and does work for us . The thing that , in my opinion , can cause a problem is her playing without you . It may be considered one sided , however , if you both are happy and satisfied why not ? In my opinion swinging is something you do together . I don't see anything good coming from swinging apart . Do you want her to date other men with you not present ? Or watch , join in , film etc. Are you interested in swinging mfm style or variants of swinging ie cuckold or the hotwife lifestyle ? Also what if someone you know sees your wife out on a date ? Can of worms ?

 

No no no! I definitely want to be present 100% of the time if she does anything with anybody man or woman, that is one of our rules! She wouldn't have it any other way also! We have discussed this. The whole point to any of this is the shared experience. She has said she wouldn't even consider anything unless I was present. I would never want her doing stuff, going out without me. We would be interested in swinging MFM style as far as activities with another guy. If she plays with another guy, I think I would also like to participate...like her fucking him while she blows me or gives me a handjob or visa verse. Like I said we are way good with her playing with another couples wife and me and the guy watching or participating with our own wives... as in same room sex.

 

I feel no resentment or bad feelings about my wife and the fact that, right now, she isn't comfortable with me fucking another girl. I have told her over and over, and I mean it, I don't feel the need to do that. I don't feel like she is manipulating or has some agenda! She is a very honest caring person. Maybe later on I will feel like I need to fuck another girl if she is doing stuff, I don't know, but right now I don't! For me the excitement is watching her and fucking her afterwards...or with another guy it would be to fuck/play with her at the same time as the other guy.

 

I must stress again, I don't feel that I am being denied anything! This is all stuff I have asked if she would want to do, and after years of talking fantasizing about it she is finally coming around to the idea of it. BTW we go to strip clubs and she will buy me lapdances from girls and I have my hands all over them and she doesn't get jealous at all, even the strippers trip out at how cool she is with it. She has even eluded to the fact that eventually she might be turned on to see me fuck another girl....so who knows what the future holds. We may be swapping partners, like you guys say is the best arrangement, in the near future.

[NYFlirts 158]

This is how the usual disaster happens.

 

Husband wants to swing. Wife says no. Husband convinces wife to have an MFM or do something solo hoping that she will come around to letting him play later. Wife really enjoys the extra cock but still doesn't want him to play. Husband gets mad and tells wife they are done. Wife has a hissy fit. Drama.

 

The other type is husband and wife decide to have an "open" marriage. Wife finds a boytoy by the weekend. Husband is still pulling his pud three months later. Husband wants to call it quits. Wife is in love with boytoy. Drama.

 

Now if you are more a "hot wife" type than a swinger, sure it might work out for you. We have just seen a number of "totally fine" guys in one sided relationships who are not totally fine later, so the warning is more of a blanket statement. Maybe for you its going to be fine. Personally I think anything "unequal" is bad in marriage.

 

 

WOW that was brilliant! It was quoted a few times in this thread, but had to do it again.

 

 

Disclaimer: People can do whatever they want / floats their boat and I'll try not to judge.

 

With that said, we've seen and read a LOT, and know from first hand experiences that even if some things are fun and cool, the risks can outweigh the cons... at least for us. We ALWAYS go at the same speed and we never do hall passes. Sure, it works ok for some people, but we've seen too many examples of things going wrong to add that kind of risk into our relationship. My analogy: Sure, going 120 on the freeway can be fun, and maybe you're a great driver and won't get into an accident, but you can't deny that there are often cases where people driving 120 on a freeway increases the risk of having a bad accident. For us, we don't want to eliminate risk, but we manage it, and playing at different speeds (one playing the other not) is too much potential risk.

[eldiablo311 201]

WOW that was brilliant! It was quoted a few times in this thread, but had to do it again.

 

 

Disclaimer: People can do whatever they want / floats their boat and I'll try not to judge.

 

With that said, we've seen and read a LOT, and know from first hand experiences that even if some things are fun and cool, the risks can outweigh the cons... at least for us. We ALWAYS go at the same speed and we never do hall passes. Sure, it works ok for some people, but we've seen too many examples of things going wrong to add that kind of risk into our relationship. My analogy: Sure, going 120 on the freeway can be fun, and maybe you're a great driver and won't get into an accident, but you can't deny that there are often cases where people driving 120 on a freeway increases the risk of having a bad accident. For us, we don't want to eliminate risk, but we manage it, and playing at different speeds (one playing the other not) is too much potential risk.

 

I beg to differ, I think no matter what, same speed or not, inviting other people into the bedroom is risky business for a relationship. That having been said, we are well aware that there are dangers in inviting ANYBODY into our bedroom.

 

BTW I'm not talking about a "hall pass" where she goes off and does her own thing, then comes back home at some point later. I am talking about us BOTH playing in the same room at the same time...being 100% present for everything.

 

I really don't see how it is any less risky when the couples "go at the same speed" and are both fucking other people, to me that seems just as risky, or maybe even more so. I mean my wife would STILL be fucking another guy!

[eldiablo311 201]

I am really kind of surprised at all the negativity on here regarding this topic! I have heard, and agree with, many times on this forum, that you should be honest with each other and communicate, communicate, communicate!! NEVER do anything that makes your partner feel uncomfortable! So, that is what my wife and I are doing. We are not doing anything that makes either one of us feel bad, this includes the feeling of being "left out" or "jealous". These are activities we plan on doing together, or not at all! It is for US!

 

It really seems ironic to me that people are saying, basically, to jump into swinging with both feet, i.e. full swap, soft swap, or don't do it! As if somehow both me AND my wife fucking other people simplifies the situation and makes it less risky than a threesome situation or a situation where the wives play and the husbands watch.

 

Isn't the possibility of your wife "liking" another guy, or girl, more than you and divorcing you, or you feeling jealous that your wife fucked another person, still the same whether it was a full swap situation or a MFM, FMF threesome situation? What's the difference! Your wife is still being intimate with another person outside of the relationship! Most people I know would say there is NO difference, all these are equally risky and bad.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Your plan is a good one. Go ahead and proceed, and keep us updated on your success.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I am really kind of surprised at all the negativity on here regarding this topic! I have heard, and agree with, many times on this forum, that you should be honest with each other and communicate, communicate, communicate!! NEVER do anything that makes your partner feel uncomfortable! So, that is what my wife and I are doing. We are not doing anything that makes either one of us feel bad, this includes the feeling of being "left out" or "jealous". These are activities we plan on doing together, or not at all! It is for US!

 

It really seems ironic to me that people are saying, basically, to jump into swinging with both feet, i.e. full swap, soft swap, or don't do it! As if somehow both me AND my wife fucking other people simplifies the situation and makes it less risky than a threesome situation or a situation where the wives play and the husbands watch.

 

Isn't the possibility of your wife "liking" another guy, or girl, more than you and divorcing you, or you feeling jealous that your wife fucked another person, still the same whether it was a full swap situation or a MFM, FMF threesome situation? What's the difference! Your wife is still being intimate with another person outside of the relationship! Most people I know would say there is NO difference, all these are equally risky and bad.

 

You asked for our advice. Advice is an opinion on what should be done.

 

Many of us share the opinion that "one-sided" swinging is not a good idea and have seen negative results.

 

It's true that traditional swinging can be perilous also. None of us argue with that. But, many people here have been sharing equal freedoms for years and it works for us.

 

You ask for opinions, then disagree with everyone who doesn't confirm your way of thinking and are surprised at the negativity. Now, perhaps that is because most of us are here on the swingers board because we enjoy the mutual freedoms swinging allows. I would suggest finding a hotwife forum and local hotwife community where many more people are playing the way you want. You may be able to talk with many people who have sustained long term relationships while playing one sided (or the communities may be comprised of people fantasizing or new to the experience - that should be a red flag). I have no idea. The only people I know with your type of arrangement didn't work out.

[exploringRM 305]

I just assumed that the wife playing and husband only playing with the wife was one aspect of the lifestyle. Maybe this is not? I just thought this was common in the lifestyle, just like soft swap, full swap etc. Kind of like a voyeurism fetish except you can also participate if you want with you wife only.

 

The thing is also, that we are not ruling out swapping partners somewhere down the road, it's just that right now we are new at this and this is what we are comfortable with right now. Later on, this may change but we will take it as it comes. Are number 1 rule is that we don't do anything that makes the other person feel uncomfortable! Period!

 

It is a very common thing. But I just bristle at the concept of one half of the couple doing something and at the same time not being comfortable with ALLOWING the other half the same experience. If you are happy with that the its good for you. You asked for comments and be ready to get yays and nays.

[eldiablo311 201]

I understand the idea of it not being exactly equal and appreciate your input...I want to know about the negative aspects of it. I don't mind differing opinions. I just feel that, at this point in time, I do not in any way feel left out. I feel very much included. In all of this, I have been the driving force behind trying to make it happen, not her, but she is willing to try it if it turns me on. If she does fuck another guy it would most likely be an MFM situation where me and the other guy are both doing things with my wife, so once again I am very much present and included in the situation.

 

So you guys have never let your wives go at it while the husbands sat back and watched? Only to fuck your respective wives after they were done? That is one-sided swinging, but it was an amazing time when we did it for the 1st time recently. Me and the other husband felt so lucky to be there watching this go down! I mean I used to go to strip clubs and pay money to watch this kind of stuff, and I didn't get to fuck the stripper afterwards either! I loved the fact that he was checking out my wife, and he said he loved that I was checking his wife out too...we all had an amazing time! They were good people, but we all agreed from the get go that nobody touch the other guys wife. We were all perfectly happy with that arrangement and it made the situation less uncomfortable for everyone.

 

I don't know, but from what I understand of this "hotwife" thing, that is more like having your wife get all dressed up and going out without you and meeting/fucking another guy then coming back home to fuck you right afterwards and telling you all about it. I have NO interest in that! I would never want my wife doing anything without me there and she wouldn't either! I feel what I/we are interested in, is swinging, it's just this is our way of dipping our toes into the swinging pool! I mean we can't just go from never having done anything, to doing a full swap, at least not us. That seems like jumping right into the deep end of the pool when you don't know how to swim yet IMO!

 

I get turned on by watching my wife get turned on. I feel, right now, that if we were to do a full swap I would be too distracted by watching my wife and the other guy to pay very much attention to the girl that I am with. I want to see everything my wife does, I wouldn't want to miss anything! Seeing her get turned on by someone else is so hot! I love it!

[sunbuckus 3,567]

In all of this, I have been the driving force behind trying to make it happen, not her, but she is willing to try it if it turns me on.

 

I agree with everyone else that it does bring up a red flag to us that your wife isn't comfortable with seeing you with another woman even if you two are interested in MFM. But I've seen you say the above several times and every time I see it, it makes me uncomfortable, too. For one, you say she's willing to try it to turn you on. It doesn't really invoke confidence that she is just as interested and that it turns her on. Perhaps if you sit back and let her do the "driving" then you'll see how interested she is in really pursuing this. Both Mr. Sun and I equally look at future swing events in town and equally ask babysitters to watch the kids. If it's only one partner doing the majority of the legwork to make all of this work, either someone is really lazy or not really interested. That's just my opinion.

 

If you two are really comfortable with going forward though, just do it. All we're doing is giving your advice. It's up to you to heed that advice or choose to ignore it. All we have to go on is your words and make assumptions and opinions. Just remember, some of the advice you were given are from long-term swingers who have experienced and seen a lot of the swing environment...they most likely know what they are talking about. In any case, we're always here to listen and love to see updates on how things have gone with couples/singles. If you two have a great time, please let us know.

[Chicup 41]

I am really kind of surprised at all the negativity on here regarding this topic! I have heard, and agree with, many times on this forum, that you should be honest with each other and communicate, communicate, communicate!! NEVER do anything that makes your partner feel uncomfortable! So, that is what my wife and I are doing. We are not doing anything that makes either one of us feel bad, this includes the feeling of being "left out" or "jealous". These are activities we plan on doing together, or not at all! It is for US!

 

It really seems ironic to me that people are saying, basically, to jump into swinging with both feet, i.e. full swap, soft swap, or don't do it! As if somehow both me AND my wife fucking other people simplifies the situation and makes it less risky than a threesome situation or a situation where the wives play and the husbands watch.

 

Isn't the possibility of your wife "liking" another guy, or girl, more than you and divorcing you, or you feeling jealous that your wife fucked another person, still the same whether it was a full swap situation or a MFM, FMF threesome situation? What's the difference! Your wife is still being intimate with another person outside of the relationship! Most people I know would say there is NO difference, all these are equally risky and bad.

 

You arn't jumping in with both feet, she's jumping in, you are still on the side of the pool. Warnings are not "negativity", I think we have been clear that this MAY work for you, we are just letting you know that we have seen this before and the end result after all was said and done was negative. You have decided, you made up your mind before posting, so good luck and I mean that. I hope three years from now you can talk about how great this was for you and your marriage like my wife and I talk about swinging.

[eldiablo311 201]

Well, we kinda are swinging already...so...thanks!

[Fours Company 169]

We have to add to what has been said here in that no one is singling you out and saying one-sided swinging or progressing at a different speed will not work for you rather the opinon of us and the majority here that it in most cases and for most people it does not.

 

Using ourselves again as an example, we started with girl/girl, then soft-swap, advancing together every step of the way. What one would do the other would equally. For a time, like in your case, my wife was not comfortable having me go all the way with another women, though I was more receptive to her fucking another guy. At one party we were at things got a little spur-of-the-moment as can happen in the LS and the other guy started penetrating her. Though I was taken a back for a moment once I saw she was enjoying herself I found it turning me on. Figuring this was her way of telling me I had license to advance as well I tried to play with other guys wife, only for the other woman to start freaking out.

 

Needless to say, it made the rest of the night uncomfortable as I felt one us jumped ahead of other and though it was no one's fault in particular might it always be like this? Indeed it happened again at the next party when the other woman claimed to be tired and the resentment almost caused us to drop out.

 

We've both learned since then that not only is communication key, but both play together or none at all. And to answer the question: no, there is nothing wrong with soft-swap. Like we said, we started doing it and would not mind being with a couple who only seeks that but again all must be equal. If only one of then wants to participate in a certain activity for whatever reason then they can find someone else to play with.

 

Our decision not to allow one-sided play is just based upon what we went through and only our non-judgmental opinion why it will eventually lead to resentment in the long run and anyone who can make it work more power to them.

[eldiablo311 201]

You arn't jumping in with both feet, she's jumping in, you are still on the side of the pool. Warnings are not "negativity", I think we have been clear that this MAY work for you, we are just letting you know that we have seen this before and the end result after all was said and done was negative. You have decided, you made up your mind before posting, so good luck and I mean that. I hope three years from now you can talk about how great this was for you and your marriage like my wife and I talk about swinging.

 

There is no I in TEAM, we are in this together, it's not just her as I have said many times before. So we are slowly stepping in, just one foot at a time, know what I mean? This is what feels right for US right now, we have discussed this a lot and this is what WE are comfortable with at this point in time. So is that bad? Since we both have come to agreement on what we are willing to do, that is still not good?

 

Jumping in with both feet would mean we both play with different people, how much more can you do when you swing? That is the apex is it not?

 

So the gist of what I am hearing from the large majority is that we should STOP all activity, no more doing what we did on our recent vacation with the other couple where the wives played and me and the other husband watched and then tried to have same room sex afterwards? We should not do anything, no threesomes of any kind unless it's with another woman and I can play with the other woman also? Or if my wife agrees to playing with only other couples and we swap partners? Is this what it boils down to?

[Chicup 41]

I would say you should move to soft swap as your next step personally. Let your wife test how she really feels before going all the way. A million mfms won't figure out what some heavy petting will.

[eldiablo311 201]

I would say you should move to soft swap as your next step personally. Let your wife test how she really feels before going all the way. A million mfms won't figure out what some heavy petting will.

 

I think soft swap is definitely what we would have to do before a full swap, to test the waters! I won't lie, the thought of doing stuff with another girl in front of my wife really turns me on, only if she gets turned on by the situation though. I think she is coming around to this, but is still not 100% sure...I don't blame her! That is a big step for sure! I am just a little more perverted than her, that is why I am more comfortable with her doing things right now than she is with me doing things.

 

Thing is she loves women also, so how do we go about making that happen? I mean it seems like what just happened on our recent vacation was pretty much perfect for all parties involved.

 

Also we have experienced the heavy petting at a strip club in Vegas, her with a guy dancer. I bought her a 1/2hr private dance with this male stripper, and I was of course back there with them. Pretty much everything went down except for oral sex and sex. Later we went downstairs and got a couples 1/2hr private dance with a female stripper and there was heavy petting going on all the way around, I had my had on her pussy and my wifes pussy and I was grabbing the strippers breasts right in front of my wife, the stripper was grabbing me also...my wife was totally fine with it. My wife even recently said she thinks she might be fine with seeing me get a blowjob from a stripper, as long as she was right there when it happened. She said it might even turn her on! So don't think my wife is trying to hold me back, it's like when your hiking in the mountains...you go at the pace of the slowest person! I feel she is coming around to the swinging idea.

 

The thing is we both agreed it was more fun and more intense with the guy stripper, it was super hot to see her getting turned on by another guy!

 

P.S- I really do appreciate all the advise! I don't want to screw our marriage up!!

[ViSexual 1,008]

What it seems to boil down to is that, right now, what you're doing is in her comfort zone. And since you're enjoying the heck out of it too, stay there until she's ready to go further. I think a lot of the folks here are forgetting rule number two (rule one is communication which you two are doing quite well). Rule two is to never exceed the comfort zone of any player, right folks? OK, maybe two is 'no means no'. You know, like they do on NCIS quoting Gibbs, maybe we should list rules here.

 

Anyway, in my humbel opinion, you and your wife have found something special that you share! Enjoy!

[sunbuckus 3,567]

So the gist of what I am hearing from the large majority is that we should STOP all activity, no more doing what we did on our recent vacation with the other couple where the wives played and me and the other husband watched and then tried to have same room sex afterwards? We should not do anything, no threesomes of any kind unless it's with another woman and I can play with the other woman also? Or if my wife agrees to playing with only other couples and we swap partners? Is this what it boils down to?

 

I think the majority isn't telling you to stop all activity but to not engage at MFM at this time because the majority of successful long-term swingers start with soft/full swapping and then engage in MFMs or FMFs occasionally because they have already navigated the issues that swinging can bring up. Soft swapping or just g/g play is probably where you two should be or go next. Clearly, there are people who do g/g play with the husbands watching but the majority of swingers who actually swap do not really find that type of situation to be as exciting. If you two move onto soft swapping, it will give both of you a chance to evaluate how each of you feel during non-penetration sex with the opposite sex. However, from what you've written, your wife doesn't want you to do anything with another woman and that is what causes us great pause.

 

A MFM can sound exciting and awesome right now but it's hard to say now if you'll continue to feel that way after 50 MFMs. You can speculate that you'll continue to feel that way but often, a couple (or one half of a couple) will want to evolve their swinging style or expand their swinging experiences. A year or two of straight MFMs might make you feel like you want a taste of FMF or MFMF but your wife is still uncomfortable with it. What will happen then? Will you get upset and rescind the gift of MFMs for your wife? Will you continue with MFM but start to feel resentment? Will you get frustrated? Even for full swap swingers, sometimes they will want to experiment and try out a kink or experience (BSDM, gangbangs, buakke, DP, etc.). Maybe they'll like it or maybe they won't but the point is that even vanilla full swapping can get "tiresome" sometimes. When that happens, usually a break or different swing experience is done to make full swapping exciting again. What are the chances that you might feel the same when it comes to MFMs?

 

Before our first swap, I didn't know how comfortable I would be to see Mr. Sun with another woman. However, in my mind, it was only fair that our first swing experience involved some kind of direct swap so we could both judge how each of us felt during that swap. If one of us wasn't comfortable during the swap, we'd stop (no questions asked) and re-evaluate whether swinging was for us or if we just had to work out any issues. There's something to be said about that first time when you see your partner get penetrated by another man or your partner doing the penetration. I used to be a pretty jealous person so I did experience a twinge during our first swap.

 

Obviously, I've worked through it but I shared that back story with you because it is okay to try out something that you might be uncomfortable about as long as you both are willing to work through it together...not to mention that fantasy can be different from reality. You might be super excited about that MFM but what if your reaction isn't as positive as you think it will be but Mrs. Eldiablo loves it and wants more? You two have a completely different experience. A MFM completely favors the woman. Not only does she get all the pleasure and attention but she also has the comfort of having her partner there with her. For you, if you have any twinge of jealousy, it might be harder for you two share that with her because she didn't have that same experience as you. You aren't the center of attention. She has someone to play with the entire time. You do not...there will be times when you might be on the sidelines trying to get some attention depending on how well your wife multi-tasks. Whereas in a soft or full swap everyone is engaged with someone. A swap also gives both of you a bit of distraction factor, too. If you are getting pleasured but feel jealous about what is happening with your wife, somewhere in your mind, you'll realize that it wouldn't be fair to deny her the pleasure that you are experiencing so it motivates you to work through that jealousy. And if the both of you have a bit of jealousy then you both feel more freely sharing that because you both had an "even" experience. If you feel jealousy during a MFM, you might feel compelled to keep it to yourself so that your wife doesn't feel guilty about having such a great time.

 

As they say, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. The possible negative repercussions to your marriage if you do uneven swinging is growing resentment/frustration which might lead to not working out issues, not working toward each other's comfort level and happiness, etc. As suggested, you two can continue with g/g play and slowly work to more if both of you choose and let your wife do some of the leg work in finding other couples. If you give her the reins, maybe she'll surprise you or maybe she won't actively look for other couples.

 

Of course, perhaps you and your wife can be successful in starting out with "uneven" swinging and be happy throughout. If you two do choose to go on with MFMs, I wish you two the best and to update how well it worked out for you guys so that you two can be a shining example to others that starting out with "uneven" swinging can work out.

[Chicup 41]

What it seems to boil down to is that, right now, what you're doing is in her comfort zone. And since you're enjoying the heck out of it too, stay there until she's ready to go further. I think a lot of the folks here are forgetting rule number two (rule one is communication which you two are doing quite well). Rule two is to never exceed the comfort zone of any player, right folks? OK, maybe two is 'no means no'. You know, like they do on NCIS quoting Gibbs, maybe we should list rules here.

 

Anyway, in my humbel opinion, you and your wife have found something special that you share! Enjoy!

 

After reading your profile I'm wondering if perhaps you own situation is coloring your advice here.

[Fours Company 169]

I think Sunbuckus nailed it. I see no one here suggesting completely stopping an activity you both enjoy, but just that some couples can only handle things like one-sided swinging in moderation and the key to staying in the LS is expanding your experiences and at the same pace.

 

I think a timely example of this is what happened at our recent club visit (related details that I'll touch upon in separate thread). While we could find no whole couples interested in us, there were no shortage of single men or ones where their wives were tired or playing separately, etc and my wife was hit up several times. We could have bent our "No SM" rules as we did on a previous visit to avoid a wasted night, but I would have vetoed it even if she suggested it. While she enjoyed doing that and it got me off, but it was still primarily about "her". This time I needed it to be about me as well, equally and felt it was better we both be denied this time if only she could get something. But seeing that she was getting all the attention and offers while I got zero, made me feel for the first time in a long time the jealousy I thought I conquered long ago. This caused me to walk out and we left. This, along with a few other issues brought up by that outing has affected us to the degree we have actually been spending the weekend so far evaluating whether to stay in the LS or not.

 

While hopefully we can work this through, I think this shows exactly where only one-sidedness (especially having only the option of one-sidedness) can lead and should be incorporated for variety, not as a replacement to expanding one's horizons together. Though as I stated in previous posts, these are just one's opinions and your mileage may vary, but have found no truer words in our case that has unfortunately been confirmed.

[Chicup 41]

I think a timely example of this is what happened at our recent club visit (related details that I'll touch upon in separate thread). While we could find no whole couples interested in us, there were no shortage of single men or ones where their wives were tired or playing separately, etc and my wife was hit up several times. We could have bent our "No SM" rules as we did on a previous visit to avoid a wasted night, but I would have vetoed it even if she suggested it. While she enjoyed doing that and it got me off, but it was still primarily about "her". This time I needed it to be about me as well, equally and felt it was better we both be denied this time if only she could get something. But seeing that she was getting all the attention and offers while I got zero, made me feel for the first time in a long time the jealousy I thought I conquered long ago. This caused me to walk out and we left. This, along with a few other issues brought up by that outing has affected us to the degree we have actually been spending the weekend so far evaluating whether to stay in the LS or not.

 

While hopefully we can work this through, I think this shows exactly where only one-sidedness (especially having only the option of one-sidedness) can lead and should be incorporated for variety, not as a replacement to expanding one's horizons together. Though as I stated in previous posts, these are just one's opinions and your mileage may vary, but have found no truer words in our case that has unfortunately been confirmed.

 

I won't let it get too you too much, its human nature that causes the issues, women will always have an "easier" time finding sex than the males. The fact that single males need to be restricted in most swing clubs and females often get in free should be enough proof for that.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think Sunbuckus nailed it. I see no one here suggesting completely stopping an activity you both enjoy, but just that some couples can only handle things like one-sided swinging in moderation and the key to staying in the LS is expanding your experiences and at the same pace.

 

I think a timely example of this is what happened at our recent club visit (related details that I'll touch upon in separate thread). While we could find no whole couples interested in us, there were no shortage of single men or ones where their wives were tired or playing separately, etc and my wife was hit up several times. We could have bent our "No SM" rules as we did on a previous visit to avoid a wasted night, but I would have vetoed it even if she suggested it. While she enjoyed doing that and it got me off, but it was still primarily about "her". This time I needed it to be about me as well, equally and felt it was better we both be denied this time if only she could get something. But seeing that she was getting all the attention and offers while I got zero, made me feel for the first time in a long time the jealousy I thought I conquered long ago. This caused me to walk out and we left. This, along with a few other issues brought up by that outing has affected us to the degree we have actually been spending the weekend so far evaluating whether to stay in the LS or not.

 

While hopefully we can work this through, I think this shows exactly where only one-sidedness (especially having only the option of one-sidedness) can lead and should be incorporated for variety, not as a replacement to expanding one's horizons together. Though as I stated in previous posts, these are just one's opinions and your mileage may vary, but have found no truer words in our case that has unfortunately been confirmed.

 

This story made me think of my own story related to one sided swinging. For a year, while we were full swap, but I never actually got to full swap, but my husband did quite a few times. It happened this way for all different reasons. I had my period, I was recovering from surgery, we were playing in a threesome with a girl friend, the guy I was with couldn't get it up... None of it was my husband's fault or arrangement. It just happened. I still had the freedom to play and was having fun and playing as I was able. I love to watch my husband with other girls. I really get off on it.

 

I have to tell you, after this happening again and again, I did become jealous and fed up. We worked it out easily by me venting and him agreeing to not swap again until I could, which happened soon after. But, it was still a heated discussion and unhappiness. If my frustration were a result of my husband's rules I think it would have led to simmering resentment and problems.

 

So, basically, this is not the nuclear melt-down I've seen with other people, just a little slice of unhappiness in my own life caused by one-sided swinging.

[openingthedoor 21]

We have to add to what has been said here in that no one is singling you out and saying one-sided swinging or progressing at a different speed will not work for you rather the opinon of us and the majority here that it in most cases and for most people it does not.

 

Using ourselves again as an example, we started with girl/girl, then soft-swap, advancing together every step of the way. What one would do the other would equally. For a time, like in your case, my wife was not comfortable having me go all the way with another women, though I was more receptive to her fucking another guy. At one party we were at things got a little spur-of-the-moment as can happen in the LS and the other guy started penetrating her. Though I was taken a back for a moment once I saw she was enjoying herself I found it turning me on. Figuring this was her way of telling me I had license to advance as well I tried to play with other guys wife, only for the other woman to start freaking out.

 

Needless to say, it made the rest of the night uncomfortable as I felt one us jumped ahead of other and though it was no one's fault in particular might it always be like this? Indeed it happened again at the next party when the other woman claimed to be tired and the resentment almost caused us to drop out.

 

We've both learned since then that not only is communication key, but both play together or none at all. And to answer the question: no, there is nothing wrong with soft-swap. Like we said, we started doing it and would not mind being with a couple who only seeks that but again all must be equal. If only one of then wants to participate in a certain activity for whatever reason then they can find someone else to play with.

Our decision not to allow one-sided play is just based upon what we went through and only our non-judgmental opinion why it will eventually lead to resentment in the long run and anyone who can make it work more power to them.

 

Through all of this discussion, my husband and I have decided to consider actually swapping (before we were only looking for a FFM threesome). So I have a question about your experience that I've really been wondering about. I am 100% sure that I do not want to swap unless my husband does. He is older than me and might have a more difficult time finding a partner. I have no idea. But is it okay/normal to say "I'm not having sex with you until I see my husband having sex with your wife." I guess I could see how both sides could take this approach and then obviously neither can start or play. But I still think that is going to be my personal "rule" to protect my husband from this sort of bullshit and just wondering how that might be viewed in the LS.

 

Thanks!

[eldiablo311 201]

What it seems to boil down to is that, right now, what you're doing is in her comfort zone. And since you're enjoying the heck out of it too, stay there until she's ready to go further. I think a lot of the folks here are forgetting rule number two (rule one is communication which you two are doing quite well). Rule two is to never exceed the comfort zone of any player, right folks? OK, maybe two is 'no means no'. You know, like they do on NCIS quoting Gibbs, maybe we should list rules here.

 

Anyway, in my humbel opinion, you and your wife have found something special that you share! Enjoy!

 

Thank you! This is how we feel right now exactly! I don't want to rush her into anything she is not comfortable with and visa verse! I feel it would be disrespectful to her if I did!

 

LOL, I like the NCIS quote! Ha ha ha!

 

We are having fun, and just want to keep it fun and enjoy each other and new experiences together no matter what they may be!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Through all of this discussion, my husband and I have decided to consider actually swapping (before we were only looking for a FFM threesome). So I have a question about your experience that I've really been wondering about. I am 100% sure that I do not want to swap unless my husband does. He is older than me and might have a more difficult time finding a partner. I have no idea. But is it okay/normal to say "I'm not having sex with you until I see my husband having sex with your wife." I guess I could see how both sides could take this approach and then obviously neither can start or play. But I still think that is going to be my personal "rule" to protect my husband from this sort of bullshit and just wondering how that might be viewed in the LS.

 

Thanks!

 

That sounds like an awkward proposal. I think your situation is different as Four was talking about 3 couples together, you would just be with one other couple. If you get to know them a bit, assess chemistry and discuss your rules and boundaries you should expect that everyone wants to play. However, there is still the chance you or he won't have a penetrative swap. Sometimes guys can't get it up, for unknown reasons. I don't think you watching to make sure your husband's cock makes contact before you will start with the other husband will help either guy's hard-on.

 

It's probably best for you to avoid a bigger group than four people your first time.

[eldiablo311 201]

I think the majority isn't telling you to stop all activity but to not engage at MFM at this time because the majority of successful long-term swingers start with soft/full swapping and then engage in MFMs or FMFs occasionally because they have already navigated the issues that swinging can bring up. Soft swapping or just g/g play is probably where you two should be or go next. Clearly, there are people who do g/g play with the husbands watching but the majority of swingers who actually swap do not really find that type of situation to be as exciting. If you two move onto soft swapping, it will give both of you a chance to evaluate how each of you feel during non-penetration sex with the opposite sex. However, from what you've written, your wife doesn't want you to do anything with another woman and that is what causes us great pause.

 

A MFM can sound exciting and awesome right now but it's hard to say now if you'll continue to feel that way after 50 MFMs. You can speculate that you'll continue to feel that way but often, a couple (or one half of a couple) will want to evolve their swinging style or expand their swinging experiences. A year or two of straight MFMs might make you feel like you want a taste of FMF or MFMF but your wife is still uncomfortable with it. What will happen then? Will you get upset and rescind the gift of MFMs for your wife? Will you continue with MFM but start to feel resentment? Will you get frustrated? Even for full swap swingers, sometimes they will want to experiment and try out a kink or experience (BSDM, gangbangs, buakke, DP, etc.). Maybe they'll like it or maybe they won't but the point is that even vanilla full swapping can get "tiresome" sometimes. When that happens, usually a break or different swing experience is done to make full swapping exciting again. What are the chances that you might feel the same when it comes to MFMs?

 

Before our first swap, I didn't know how comfortable I would be to see Mr. Sun with another woman. However, in my mind, it was only fair that our first swing experience involved some kind of direct swap so we could both judge how each of us felt during that swap. If one of us wasn't comfortable during the swap, we'd stop (no questions asked) and re-evaluate whether swinging was for us or if we just had to work out any issues. There's something to be said about that first time when you see your partner get penetrated by another man or your partner doing the penetration. I used to be a pretty jealous person so I did experience a twinge during our first swap.

 

Obviously, I've worked through it but I shared that back story with you because it is okay to try out something that you might be uncomfortable about as long as you both are willing to work through it together...not to mention that fantasy can be different from reality. You might be super excited about that MFM but what if your reaction isn't as positive as you think it will be but Mrs. Eldiablo loves it and wants more? You two have a completely different experience. A MFM completely favors the woman. Not only does she get all the pleasure and attention but she also has the comfort of having her partner there with her. For you, if you have any twinge of jealousy, it might be harder for you two share that with her because she didn't have that same experience as you. You aren't the center of attention. She has someone to play with the entire time. You do not...there will be times when you might be on the sidelines trying to get some attention depending on how well your wife multi-tasks. Whereas in a soft or full swap everyone is engaged with someone. A swap also gives both of you a bit of distraction factor, too. If you are getting pleasured but feel jealous about what is happening with your wife, somewhere in your mind, you'll realize that it wouldn't be fair to deny her the pleasure that you are experiencing so it motivates you to work through that jealousy. And if the both of you have a bit of jealousy then you both feel more freely sharing that because you both had an "even" experience. If you feel jealousy during a MFM, you might feel compelled to keep it to yourself so that your wife doesn't feel guilty about having such a great time.

 

As they say, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. The possible negative repercussions to your marriage if you do uneven swinging is growing resentment/frustration which might lead to not working out issues, not working toward each other's comfort level and happiness, etc. As suggested, you two can continue with g/g play and slowly work to more if both of you choose and let your wife do some of the leg work in finding other couples. If you give her the reins, maybe she'll surprise you or maybe she won't actively look for other couples.

 

Of course, perhaps you and your wife can be successful in starting out with "uneven" swinging and be happy throughout. If you two do choose to go on with MFMs, I wish you two the best and to update how well it worked out for you guys so that you two can be a shining example to others that starting out with "uneven" swinging can work out.

 

That is great input! Thank you for that! I think that all makes a lot of sense.

 

We are just starting out. We have only had 1 experience so far, with that other couple on our vacation. We are considering the MFM thing, but have not made up our minds yet. If we do decide to do it, and we or I didn't like it we will stop. We both agreed to that of course even before we had that last experience. She and I are completely willing to stop anything at anytime. She has said she doesn't need this or want this, but if we want to do it, then sure it's fun, but we can stop at anytime. That is how I feel also. She is a very emotionally balanced person. She knows how to keep her feelings in perspective very well, that is why I don't worry about her.

 

I feel that this all very well may lead to full on swinging in 1 year or so...who knows? But I think it's definitely heading that way. I don't think we would be doing MFM's for years and years without doing other stuff as well.

 

The thing is that, for me, right now, and I don't see this changing, is that I LOVE to see my wife getting pleasure and getting turned on....especially when it's not me turning her on! I love dirty girls! Always have! I feel like I said before that I would be so engulfed in what is happening with my wife that I almost wouldn't be able to pay attention to another girl at the same time! I wouldn't want to miss 1 second of what is happening with her and the other person!

[eldiablo311 201]

After reading your profile I'm wondering if perhaps you own situation is coloring your advice here.

 

And yours isn't?

[eldiablo311 201]

I think Sunbuckus nailed it. I see no one here suggesting completely stopping an activity you both enjoy, but just that some couples can only handle things like one-sided swinging in moderation and the key to staying in the LS is expanding your experiences and at the same pace.

 

I think a timely example of this is what happened at our recent club visit (related details that I'll touch upon in separate thread). While we could find no whole couples interested in us, there were no shortage of single men or ones where their wives were tired or playing separately, etc and my wife was hit up several times. We could have bent our "No SM" rules as we did on a previous visit to avoid a wasted night, but I would have vetoed it even if she suggested it. While she enjoyed doing that and it got me off, but it was still primarily about "her". This time I needed it to be about me as well, equally and felt it was better we both be denied this time if only she could get something. But seeing that she was getting all the attention and offers while I got zero, made me feel for the first time in a long time the jealousy I thought I conquered long ago. This caused me to walk out and we left. This, along with a few other issues brought up by that outing has affected us to the degree we have actually been spending the weekend so far evaluating whether to stay in the LS or not.

 

While hopefully we can work this through, I think this shows exactly where only one-sidedness (especially having only the option of one-sidedness) can lead and should be incorporated for variety, not as a replacement to expanding one's horizons together. Though as I stated in previous posts, these are just one's opinions and your mileage may vary, but have found no truer words in our case that has unfortunately been confirmed.

 

That makes, sense. I feel that it is of utmost importance to always express how you feel...immediately to you partner. And it sounds like you wife understood and respected how you felt. I feel my wife is the same way, if I had those kind of feelings, she would cut it off in a heartbeat! I/we have no intentions of ever holding back our feelings, no matter how irrational they may seem.

[openingthedoor 21]

That sounds like an awkward proposal. I think your situation is different as Four was talking about 3 couples together, you would just be with one other couple. If you get to know them a bit, assess chemistry and discuss your rules and boundaries you should expect that everyone wants to play. However, there is still the chance you or he won't have a penetrative swap. Sometimes guys can't get it up, for unknown reasons. I don't think you watching to make sure your husband's cock makes contact before you will start with the other husband will help either guy's hard-on.

 

It's probably best for you to avoid a bigger group than four people your first time.

 

Well, thanks, but I don't think the big group thing would work for us at all (not at all, not even a little). How about more along the lines of "I just want to watch them first, then we can play." This is a real problem and honestly without sounding snooty the only way I can explain is that I am younger and therefore more attractive and likely more appealing to a larger group (aside from the fact that obviously women are more popular in general). So I could easily see a more experienced swing couple trying to dupe us by my swapping and her not. I'm very firm on my thinking that I don't want to swap unless he does. He is a sensitive guy and I have zero desire to play if he does not. In fact, a lot of this is my wanting him to play and just believing/trusting that I might enjoy myself IF I actually find a nice guy (otherwise not happening anyway). My husband is a great lover and super nice guy...and there are lots of obviously horny jerks in the world. And you can't always tell on first meet whether people are conning you. So somehow I have to make this part of the deal. Not sure how to word this, but it is our deal for sure. No one penetrates me first...We are meeting a couple this weekend and likely would also need to develop a friendship so somehow I just have to make this clear. But I can see how this might affect my play partner's excitement so not really sure how to handle. *If* I chose a guy in a couple with whom to swap, then I would treat him right. I just expect fairness on my husband's behalf. So far the guys we have met have been total tools (just a few) and complete jerks who seem to be abusing their wives in some twisted way. I can't explain it but anyway...I might screw a jerk without knowing it but not unless my husband is also getting screwed.

 

The other negative for us (with swinging) is that we have been watching the show "swing" and also seen quite a few swing videos. The sex, from a woman's perspective, looks horrendous. We have long, slow, sensual sex and again my husband is very giving, talented, physically fit and well-endowed. Great body and great lover. So the group sex/ club scene...doesn't fit the kind of sex we would be willing to join. We aren't partying people, rarely drink, conservative & reserved outside the bedroom, and very considerate in the bedroom. Both of us give a lot in bed. We don't want the women play, then give men BJs, then get fucked type of sex (especially with loud music and lots of joking and laughing happening as sex is happening type of sex).

 

Actually once we started really considering swap and then watched the sex, then reading about men getting rejected/duped, once again I think we are willing with the right couple but doubtful they really exist or we can find them.

 

At least our sex is hotter than ever as a result of our search.

[eldiablo311 201]

This story made me think of my own story related to one sided swinging. For a year, while we were full swap, but I never actually got to full swap, but my husband did quite a few times. It happened this way for all different reasons. I had my period, I was recovering from surgery, we were playing in a threesome with a girl friend, the guy I was with couldn't get it up... None of it was my husband's fault or arrangement. It just happened. I still had the freedom to play and was having fun and playing as I was able. I love to watch my husband with other girls. I really get off on it.

 

I have to tell you, after this happening again and again, I did become jealous and fed up. We worked it out easily by me venting and him agreeing to not swap again until I could, which happened soon after. But, it was still a heated discussion and unhappiness. If my frustration were a result of my husband's rules I think it would have led to simmering resentment and problems.

 

So, basically, this is not the nuclear melt-down I've seen with other people, just a little slice of unhappiness in my own life caused by one-sided swinging.

 

I understand, makes sense.

 

With my wife, however, I am totally fine with respecting her wishes to not have me play with another girl. For me the turn on is watching her get pleasure! That is very satisfying for me! Maybe later I will feel different, but I will tell her the second my feelings change on this.

[Chicup 41]

Then go for it. As I said you made up your mind, thread is done

[Fours Company 169]

Through all of this discussion, my husband and I have decided to consider actually swapping (before we were only looking for a FFM threesome). So I have a question about your experience that I've really been wondering about. I am 100% sure that I do not want to swap unless my husband does. He is older than me and might have a more difficult time finding a partner. I have no idea. But is it okay/normal to say "I'm not having sex with you until I see my husband having sex with your wife." I guess I could see how both sides could take this approach and then obviously neither can start or play. But I still think that is going to be my personal "rule" to protect my husband from this sort of bullshit and just wondering how that might be viewed in the LS.

 

Thanks!

 

Like funcoupledayton said, to enforce agreements like this once play has started would be awkward at to be sure and better to discuss rules ahead of time. Simply let the other couple know that you two play together and expand on limits and preferences (soft or full swap, both males must use condoms, no kissing,etc.) and state you prefer that both of the couple agrees and you want things equal so no one feels left out. If one of them is not comfortable with a certain activity, and you are wiling to "downgrade" for them but expect them both to abide and not have one of them push you or your partner for more.

 

However unfortunatey even that does not guarantee equality, as funcoupledayton also stated, things can happen in the moment. In two of our cases, we failed to discuss things ahead of time with the other couple since it was a spur of the moment thing that sometimes happens at houseparties and once the guy started having sex with my wife I assumed our experiences would be equal. However in the first case the other woman started freaking out when I tried to touch her (still not sure what the issue was there) and in the second case the other woman claimed to be too tired. In both instances, since the other guy already started with my wife it seemed awkward for either one of us to say anything or stop it and it did make me feel left out and resentful.

 

The next time despite agreeing with the other couple ahead of time, it happened again due to the other guy not being able to get it up due to drink and eventually passing out after I already started on his wife. Again, it was awkward to stop and my wife said she would just watch, but did feel left out afterwards.

 

So I guess the moral is no matter any rules one might have, the situation may change unexpectedly and only you can make the decision to accept that and let it continue or say "ok let's stop doing this" when unequal play happens, though as stated, tis a very diplomatically tricky thing to do.