Open marriage going bad - confused and need input

[Sunnyexbrit 1]

Hi everyone

 

I have what I believe is kind of a problem. We have had an open marriage for some time but not really very active given life, a child, etc. You get the picture. My husband is a musician, which has entailed going on the road at times, and I have also acknowledged the possibility that he might meet someone and have sex with them, and I'm cool with that. I also am allowed such a option to "date" a man or woman outside of our relationship.

 

However, we had never ever talked about "swinging" with a couple, separately. Earlier this year I was in Las Vegas. While I was gone he "assumed" I must have done something, so he went out to dinner one night and randomly met some couple. Went home with them, fucked the dude's wife, and the only way I found out about it was because his brother had called me because he never showed up to a rehearsal! He had overslept at their place, was a couple of hours late to that rehearsal, etc. When I called him to find out what had happened I got the runaround. Then of course, it all came out when I got home. I was, frankly, livid. The thing is, I don't believe he would have told me as he never expected to get "caught."

 

At that time our marriage was not in a good place and I was really hurt that he would go out and do that, particularly as we had never talked about such a scenario. As far as I was concerned at that time, it was over. Well, on two occasions thereafter, he snuck over to their place to fuck his wife again, and I later found out that the guy sucked his dick at least on one occasion. He snuck back over there on two occasions while I was at work and in the morning.

 

To make a long story short, we finally got our marriage back on track, or so I thought. Prior to that I tried to be open and ask if I could meet them, and initially he said that they would like to meet me. Then he says that well, the guy has porn on all the time he's there, and "I'm a man and I can handle it." WTF? Then he says "you wouldn't like them." WTF? Then he says "I don't want to see you with the guy." So I said, well, then I don't want you with his fucking wife! This is not about sex per se, I have been more than comfortable and cool with it in the past e.g. he recently spent the night with a girl he met on the road who was here on vacation and we all had dinner together and I went home afterwards and he spent the night with her and I was totally fine with it. It is just this particular married couple that is bugging the shit out of me. I have seen as many as 17 to 30 text messages on the bill between them.

 

He told me after we agreed on some kind of "veto power" if necessary, and he has essentially vetoed me, or at least expressed his dislike of the possibility of a certain situation. I am feeling as if my veto has no power, and I have seen their phone number popping up on the cell phone bill. If he had told them it was over, they would not still be contacting him, would they? He has never been really up front with me about these clowns and in the past two weeks it appears that they are texting him again, and it seems as though he is keeping them as some kind of option, and not telling me. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but now I just don't know what to do. I have dug into my feelings and it is not jealousy. It is the deception and the lies and the sly sneaking around which, even in an open relationship, is still in my opinion cheating.

 

Anyhow, thanks for reading my babble

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

You are correct. In an "open" relationship, transparency is essential. The openness implies a degree of trust that has to be sustained.

 

Are you looking for a veto? Or are you looking for honesty? The former has to be negotiated. The latter has to be an unbreakable standard.

 

It's not babble. It's legitimate concern.

[Sunnyexbrit 1]

Thank you Fundamental Law

 

My problem really lays I guess in the fact that he hasn't really told me too much about them, just dropped a few things here and there as it were. Further, when this first went down (no pun intended) it almost ended our marriage. For example, he had the most horrible red rash along and under his bottom lip, I must assume from either her or him or both. NOT ATTRACTIVE. The whole scenario is off-putting, it is not a turn-on in the usual sense i.e. I was happy that he got to spend time with his East Coast friend when she visited, genuinely happy, and it was the first time I had ever met her and I knew they had had sex in the past on a few occasions when he was on the East Coast.

 

This couple represents so many things, and I personally feel it should end. I would give him the same consideration if the shoe were on the other foot. For example, he asked that I not get involved in a threesome with my friend and her new BF. Not that I was going to, but still, I respect his wishes. Deep down I am getting the impression that unless we are together, ANY guy would be not okay even though he says otherwise. Just recently, they texted him on July 17, at 10:36 pm, he replied at 10:37 pm. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, didn't mention it, and just thought, well, perhaps his reply contained the message that it was over. Obviously that is not the case as they texted him a week later just before noon!

 

The only reason I checked the phone bill is because I developed that strong intuition in my stomach out of the blue that week and it kept nagging and wouldn't go away. I don't want to waste energy on such nonsense, and given that he has not replied to their last text, leads me to conclude that he is obviously leaving them open as an option so to speak. It is just this situation that bugs me, and if I were to find out that he had, indeed, fucked around with them again, it is NOT A TURN-ON AT ALL, and it irks me that this could indeed ruin our sex life, while enhancing theirs.

 

I am fearful of bringing this recent stuff up as everything has been going great, and I simply have decided to wait it out, and just remain aware of my feelings/intuition and perhaps confront it at that time. All I really want is for him to talk to me! Tell me why, after previously telling me it felt kinda weird and he was done with it, WHY then he keeps going back, and what's the draw? The only thing I can think of is perhaps the possible homosexual activity because I know he could be bi in the right situation. I actually know what these people look like, and frankly I wouldn't fuck the guy, so I don't see how he might be attracted to him other than getting off on the guy sucking his dick, as it's a novel situation. But things get old. We all know that. So my other concern is, if he continues to see these people, it will evolve either for them or him or all 3 of them. Things have to go somewhere or they end. Doesn't feel to me like it has ended and right now I just feel really disappointed.

 

Thanks for your input. One feels so alone in these things sometimes, and there is a feeling of "is it just me? am I overreacting?" I just don't wish to be sucked into wasting energy finding out if any of this is true

[81lizard69 470]

Jealousy is a tough one. When it raises its ugly it usually is from a situation for me that is coming from another place. He is saying one thing and doing another. I don't know ,but maybe you have changed. Sometimes I have seen it where a man that may not have been monogamous from the beginning of the relationship got the green light to see other people and did not learn how to be honest in his contract with with you. I know I can get upset when I don't feel comfortable with who my wife sees.. and she likes him and still stays in touch with him.. I know she likes the relationship part of the chase. I did decide that we can see other people, and I can veto someone, but I still like to be able to say no and have her back me up. If she kept going after I said no, I would think that she is putting that relationship ahead of me and I would have to rethink my place in the relationship.

 

I believe you have a valid bitch about this situation, the trick is how to resolve it that brings you closer together. I wonder how you would do that.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Your mobile phone bill lists individual text messages and calls? In what year did all of this bad stuff come down?

[Sunnyexbrit 1]

He met them Jan 19 2013

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It really sounds like while you guys have an "agreement" to have an open marriage, you don't really have the "rules" for doing so nailed down. There's no set rules, but you should have an agreement between the two of you that you both stick to. It sounds like questions over the rules are what have gotten you in this spot, and are continue to keep things confused.

 

Open relationship or not, if you are having issues within your relationship then you need to focus on your relationship and get that back on track before you try to work other people in (or work it out with other people involved). Ya'll need to take a step back and focus on each other. Once you are both comfortable with where your relationship is then you can start again with figuring out where your rules should be in order to allow for others (if at all).