Would you want to know if a couple you meet at a swingers club is also polyamorous?

[km34 672]

Last Thursday I went to a local club. I'd been there before with my husband, but this time I went with, well, I honestly don't know what to call him. Friend-ish person is usually how I refer to him.

 

So, Friend-ish and I go to the club. It's a great night to be there, enough people to make it fun without it being crazy crowded. Very nice. We're hanging out in the hot tub (one of the main reasons we decided to go) and a bunch of people assume we're "together" until I start talking about hubby or he starts talking about his live-in partner or my boyfriend comes up in conversation. Then we get the look. The confused, "I'm not entirely sure what's going on here" look. So we explain we're poly, that we are somewhere in between being friends and being in a relationship, touch briefly on how our relationships work, and say life is great. One of two things seemed to happen. Either people were very much okay with this concept and it made perfect sense OR they were completely confused/not feeling it and felt the need to wander away. Almost immediately.

 

Where I live, poly is VERY common. Open relationships in general are practically considered "normal" (at least in my age bracket, 20s-30s). Because of this, I wasn't expecting much discomfort/confusion when poly came up. HOWEVER, I still felt uncomfortable just bringing it up out of nowhere! Part of me felt like it wasn't pertinent (I mean, really - I wasn't even there to play so why do people need to know?) but another part of me thinks that this is part of who I am and I should LEARN to be comfortable talking about it, regardless of my intent when conversing with people.

 

I guess I just wanted to ramble on about this for a while, and ask a very simple question.

 

Is it pertinent? When you're talking to someone at a swing club (or party or whatever), would you want/need to know if they are with their ONLY partner or just one of a few? If yes, why is that information important? Do other poly folks make it clear when they are meeting potential playmates?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Ya know how some folks on the forum talk about only wanting to swing with a certain type of couple? Like they have to be married or committed or be together for a certain amount of time? I think there's that factor. Then there's the poly factor. I think some people haven't heard of it. Some people are scared to death of it. Some are just plain confused. And some are okay with it or go with the flow. Then you add into the situation how some swingers are more afraid of STDs and limiting play time to a specific group of people...gosh darnit! There's just so many variables!

 

As small talk, I think we've asked couples how long they've been together but I'm not certain if we really care about that...it's just to get the conversation going. Sometimes we'll ask how long they've been in the LS...again, it doesn't really matter unless it's less than a year then we start to be cautious. In your case, since you two were talking and clearly were talking about everyone involved, some clarification was bound to be asked. In a way, it's almost akin to how much swingers want vanillas to know about them. I'd gather that the majority of swingers might denounce that they were swingers if asked point blank while others might hesitate, weigh the pros and cons, then answer or they would be honest about it no matter what. I think being poly and admitting to it to swingers is kind of like that. Some swingers just won't get it. To some swingers, you'd talking about one of their worst nightmares (emotional-romantic attachment to someone other than your partner? Sacre bleu!). I think it boils down too your comfort about exposing this part of you, as you stated. There are going to be people who will shy away from you after knowing that part of you and others will not.

 

km34, be proud and don't you worry your pretty head about those that skitter away after they know the truth.

[D&D 362]

I completely understand your feelings... I have a very close, actually may as well admit it, girlfriend. (Lucky for me she and my wife have become best of friends.) A couple of weeks ago I was contacted by a single female who wanted to meet. My wife wasn't really interested in playing with her and it was clear from the her profile that she wanted FF play. My wife and I talked about it for a while but she just wasn't what my wife was looking for... My wife's suggestion was to see if the single female would like to meet my girlfriend and I instead. Initially I said I was uncomfortable with that, but after some cajoling I emailed her and and laid out the situation. I expected the single female to say something like, "so long Buddy" Mainly I was worried about her acceptance of me having a poly relationship. In anycase she responded back immediately saying yes to meeting my girlfriend and I rather than my wife and I. We are meeting her later this week...

 

Also my wife has a male friend she sees occasionally. Last weekend she took him to a meet and greet, while I was attending a shibari/kinbaku event. They had no problem meeting other couples and took another married couple home for the night.

 

For sure there are many who would be judgmental, but not as many as I thought. It has surprised me how many swingers have told us they wish they had our situation. Really I dont know why Poly is an issue all. Most swingers don't care that the person they're taking to bed is married, they may say they do, but then they search for a unicorn! It is really more about the chemistry between everybody than it is about having some kind of paper certificate buried in some drawer. I think Sunbuckus is right just be truthful. If they cant take the truth.... well they need to look around and see what the range modern relationships are like.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Is it pertinent? When you're talking to someone at a swing club (or party or whatever), would you want/need to know if they are with their ONLY partner or just one of a few? If yes, why is that information important? Do other poly folks make it clear when they are meeting potential playmates?

Not an important qualifier for us. It was helpful that among the first people we met at a swingers' club (eight years ago) were people in polyamorous relationships. This set the tone for us. We early learned to accept and even cherish people in non-traditional relationships.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

People are going to be comfortable with somethings and not with others. You cant be anybody but who you are and let others figure out if they can deal with it.

 

I will admit, if I knew you prior to that event, I would be fine with it. If I didn't I might be a bit suspicious only because I have seen far more people cheating that were looking for ways to explain it than I have met people that were poly. I wouldn't walk away but I would want to get to know everyone involved better first. The last thing we want to do it get caught in the middle of that cheating mess. That may not sound fair, but like I said, we have run into far more people cheatinng than we have poly, and since you were not all there at the same time, well......I hope you see my point.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I will admit, if I knew you prior to that event, I would be fine with it. If I didn't I might be a bit suspicious only because I have seen far more people cheating that were looking for ways to explain it than I have met people that were poly. I wouldn't walk away but I would want to get to know everyone involved better first. The last thing we want to do it get caught in the middle of that cheating mess. That may not sound fair, but like I said, we have run into far more people cheatinng than we have poly, and since you were not all there at the same time, well......I hope you see my point.

 

You do make a good point. I hadn't thought about how other people might be dishonest and be cheating by not going out with their spouse but with a girlfriend or boyfriend without their spouse's knowing.

[exploringRM 305]

Early in our swinging days I guess we would have that it strange, but have since learned of the variety of relationships in this l/s. Early on we met two couples..and they have sort of poly arrangement, the wife of one couple is more in a relationship with the husband of the other. The remaining two are friends, but do go as couple when looking for swing fun. It was very confusing for us a first as we did not really understand who was married to who based on our brief meets with them. (They have become really good friends!)

[asncpl 729]

Personally the information is not important to us. It's small talk to get to know someone and it doesn't affect our decision to play with that couple. But I share Coupleerotic suspicion on the honesty aspect because that's my experience as well. anyway i think you shouldn't hide your poly relationship if it comes up. Many simply don't know what it is and how it's different that swinging. If they seem confused and don't want to hear it, then it's their loss and you probably don't want to play with them anyway.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Where I live, poly is VERY common. Open relationships in general are practically considered "normal" (at least in my age bracket, 20s-30s).

I thought you lived in the land of hipsters, and was surprised to see there was an issue with this.

 

 

Is it pertinent? When you're talking to someone at a swing club (or party or whatever), would you want/need to know if they are with their ONLY partner or just one of a few? If yes, why is that information important? Do other poly folks make it clear when they are meeting potential playmates?

 

It wouldn't be a big deal to us. I would imagine that if we found out a couple was in a poly situation, Mrs two4you would ask about 237 questions, all out of genuine curiosity. She'd follow that up with a "Cool!", and then we'd see where the evening took us.

 

I get the concern about cheaters playing the poly card, but I think, maybe incorrectly, that if that were the case it would be figured out in short order.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I get the concern about cheaters playing the poly card, but I think, maybe incorrectly, that if that were the case it would be figured out in short order.

 

Exactly, that is why I said we would want to get to know them better. Talk to people for a while and, unless they are sociopaths, things start not to add up if they are lying. Unfortunately, there are a good many folks that don't spend much time trying to get to know someone, they just bolt at the slightest issue. Some of them also seem to complain they can't find REAL people in the lifestyle. How do they know if they are real or not if they spend no more than 5 minutes talking to anyone.

[km34 672]

I thought you lived in the land of hipsters, and was surprised to see there was an issue with this.

 

You find very few hipsters at this particular club... haha

 

I am pretty sure it didn't even cross anyone's minds that we could potentially be cheating. He had been their with his partner a few days prior, hubby and I have been there together, and the way we talked about our partners made it clear that we all knew one another. Granted, that could all be staged, I suppose, but I'm not that good of a liar so it would have been epic failure had I tried.

[Guest screaminggood]

There's only one part that would be important to us: So are you available or open to adding us to the play tonight? Or are you already on an exclusive date?

 

That's the only thing that confuses me when I see polys/groups.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

 

I thought this was an interesting question!

 

 

Is it pertinent? When you're talking to someone at a swing club (or party or whatever), would you want/need to know if they are with their ONLY partner or just one of a few? If yes, why is that information important? Do other poly folks make it clear when they are meeting potential playmates?

[kikonkrome 844]

We have met other couple's that are part of poly 'situation' I guess you can call it. They are married but not to each other, or part of swinging group. Honestly when it came to playing it just got confusing if they were in as a couple or not? When it's confusing or complicated, I am just out. I would rather go home with the wife, you know? In fact now that I think about it I think that's what happened last Saturday night. Like I said it just get's confusing.

 

So I guess if you are a poly couple out together be straight forward about it, where your lines are and who you are with that night.

 

The other immediate bail, we have found is the poly group of two girls and a guy. We learn that and we are out, because the guy only wants to get his threesome on(not that I blame him). You can chat with the girls all you want, but he's doing everything he can to get his threesome going. We've seen that almost every time we go out. Even when we have played with the girl/s before!!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I had to go back to the original 2013 post to see what the question really was. To answer the OP, I'd say that there is no need to tell people at a swingers' club that you are maintaining a polyamorous relationship.

 

As for why a person might back away from you after it comes up in conversation, the reason is that something different seems to come up in different people's minds when the P-word is spoken. To some people it seems (wrongly) to mean that you go out and find as many sex partners as you can. Another misconception is that it is equivalent to an open relationship. Yet another problematic interpretation is that you maintain intimate relationships with a number of couples or singles as compared to sharing bodily fluids with just one other couple or single.

 

To me, polyamory means that you are expressing love to more people than your legal spouse or significant other and you actively pursue paths that will maintain those loving relationships. No harm to anybody at a swingers' club in that.

[NotnewNotpros 16]

I guess so...not in a gossipy way but I enjoy knowing what people are in it for, what are you looking for... example. Married/single, looking for long term fwb or just play for tonight etc...

Just easier to proceed maybe?