Navigating separate play at parties

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'd like to know how people who are open to playing separately at parties communicate with their partner and their potential swing partner. Sorry this is long. Thanks in advance for reading!

 

We generally go to parties with the only rule being that we leave together and we use condoms. So we can play freely with whomever we like. While this freedom is great, I'm not sure it's really working out for me. My husband tends to get things going quickly and just takes off with someone.

 

At a party a few months ago we were in the same room with a girl (and a bunch of other people hanging out). I had also been flirting with her. They start playing a bit and then get up to go to another room without saying anything. As they are leaving, I say something like, "Are you going to play? Can I come?" She said sure, so we all went off and had a good time.

 

After, I talked to my husband and said, "I'd like it if you invited me along, it worked out fine because I invited myself, but next time I'd like it if you check in with me."

 

Next party, we know from the guest list there is a couple I am very interested in and have soft swapped with before; my husband is not interested in her. I ask him before the party if it's ok if I have a threesome with them. He agrees and it works out that I do in a group area with him in the same room playing with someone else.

 

Next party, jello shot conundrum. Neither of us play.

 

Next party, my husband knows I want to play with a couple we know, but have never played with before. My husband is flirting with the girl. The guy is flirting with both myself and my good friend. There were a bunch of people and the lighting was low. I didn't even know my husband went with the girl to another room to play. Since the guy was paying attention to both my friend and I, I didn't want to be too forward with him. Nothing ended up happening.

 

Later I ask my husband, "Why didn't you tell me you were going?" He said, I saw you with him and thought things were going along so we just went off to play.

 

I was feeling left out. I didn't get what I wanted (which is in large part my fault, for not wanting to take the guy away from my friend). But, I do think if my husband had come over I could have said to the guy and my friend, "Hey want to go play too or watch them?"

 

We talked and my husband felt really bad. He said maybe we should just stick together all the time. I don't think that's really necessary, but maybe that's because I want to have my cake and eat it too.

 

My proposal is: 1. Ask potential partner if they want to go to another room to play 2. Say, I need to check in with my wife. Would you be ok with her joining or watching? 3. Say to me, we're going to play (she's not comfortable with you coming -or- would you like to come along?) 4. I can decide if I want to go. I am ok with him playing without me if that's what she wants.

 

My husband thinks it would be awkward to ask the swing partner if I can join. I think it's not awkward because we are together and I'm his wife. Many people we know only play together.

 

What do you think? How do you handle separate play? Is my suggested plan awkward?

 

Should I just stop going to parties so I can avoid long winded questions?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I'm looking forward to the answers from other members since we rarely play separately but might head in that direction in the future. I was wondering though...do you feel that it isn't working out because you aren't getting as much playtime as your husband or that you feel somewhat neglected by your husband? Or something else?

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I think your husband is right about it being awkward, especially with this phrasing. If he just said he wanted to check in with you before going off to play, would you be comfortable asking if they'd like a third (or fifth or whatever)? That way he's not mediating for you, which is the really awkward part, he doesn't just drift off and there are more options for being included.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I think it can be awkward, or not, depending on how it is phrased.

 

If he feels like he needs to ask permission I can see how that COULD make the situation a bit awkward. But frankly we always ask if it is okay with their spouse of we play sans their SO. That in and of itself makes it easier to let them know we need to let our spouse know we are moving somewhere to play.

 

If I where in your husbands shoes would simply ask the "Are you interested in making it a threesome with my wife"? If she says no, then he can tell her, "No problem, I am going to let her know we are going somewhere to play." If she says yes, then he can tell her "great, let me go get her."

 

But that could end up being awkward for everyone. If she says yes, but it turns out that you are not interested in her, then it could put a wet blanket on the whole thing for them.

 

Even if we are moving in different circles at parties we tend to touch base with each other often during the parties and talk about who we are finding that we are interested in. IF we are feeling good about different people we just let each other know and tell the other to go have some fun. When we are interested in the same couples or females we let each other know, and the other will "drop by" to see if there is a mutual spark. If there is then we can all have some fun together, if there is not, then we excuse ourselves to go mingle and tell the other "ya'll have fun". If something strikes one of us wrong about the situation, we simply ask if we can steal our spouse for a minute and go have a talk.

 

If we are at an off premise party at a hotel, we ALWAYS let the other know if we are leaving the party room. If it where a house party we would still let each other know we are off to another room. We also know to check in a decent intervals to make sure we are both okay and enjoying ourselves.

 

Since you say it is not working for you it makes me wonder if things just have not worked out well to date, or if you are really 100% okay with the arrangement deep down. If it is just things have not worked out well so far, maybe you could evaluate what has been the issue and try to resolve it. If it is more a deeper uneasiness about the arrangement, maybe you two could talk through and come to a better arrangement or at least a better way to deal with it during the party.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I am not going to pretend to offer a solution. And I cannot say that my wife and I have "worked it out". At parties, she is the one who works the crowd faster than I. So I am the person who sometimes feels left out. I say sometimes because it frequently enough happens that she will come to me with another party-goer or two in-hand and ask, with a bright expression on her face, "come join us."

 

So having not actually "worked it out", here has what it has "evolved" into. I have learned to simply go have my own fun at my own (somewhat slower) pace and when it seems like the right thing to do, look around the room to see if she is there and invite if she wants to join. I guess you could say I have learned to do like she does.

 

As far as two-on-two relationships, our "need" for that seems to be satisfied by the occasional "table-for-four then your-house-or-mine".

[exploringRM 305]

We usually split up at house parties, especially ones where we know everyone. At one party we had brought along a new couple (with permission of the host) with the intent of both of us playing with them (though separately). In general we both sort of go at our own speed and have not encountered a situation where one of us felt left out by the other. There have been times where she has played and I have not and that's mostly due to me spending more time socializing or just not in the right place at the right time. I don't feel she needs to come find me and make sure I'm doing ok.

[angelkin 1,326]

When at a house party, we know unless it's a threesome opportunity for us, we don't want to play together (most often) so our situation is a little different than yours. We check in with the other ahead of time - and likely have already told the other there was some interest in getting together for play ahead of time (early in the night or from online contact). We will check in and just ask if it's ok to go play with ~insert name or names here~

 

Because a house party has more limited space than a club, if something comes up, there's only so many doors to open or knock on to find the other. When done, we often find the other is preoccupied with another party guest - and nights have come and gone with us passing each other like that until time for bed or when the party has turned to hugs and kisses goodbye or casual after-sex conversation.

 

BUT, you already know what works for any of the rest of us may not work for you. If you'd like to be invited, you should ask (privately) if you can come along. Maybe there needs to be a longer negotiation period before one of you comes to find the other to announce you are off to play with new-found friends? If one of you finds a couple or single particularly interesting, maybe an introduction BEFORE the decision to play should be made to see if there is a chemistry among all involved.

[81lizard69 470]

We have kicked the separate play idea around for a while. My husband kind likes the idea me not so much. I feel secure with him. Just my preference. I think we only play same room so we don't have this type of situation. I know M would have fun alone, but he says that Its watching and being together with each other while we swing that keeps it fresh for him. That works for me and we have not felt the need to change our recipe.

 

This is not to say that we won't change. My sex bucket list has a few fantasy's in it that don't include him and when I am ready to empty that bucket he is not in it. I will ask first as per our agreement. LOL.

[asncpl 730]

I usually work the crowd quicker and get more attention so my husband is the one that feels left out. On the other hand, he used to disappear to play without checking in with me but I have trained him to do that now. Otherwise, when I don't see him in a room, I have no idea if he is off playing with a partner, left the place, or locked himself in the bathroom (actually happened). As far as checking in with each other before going off, I don't think that's awkward or difficult to do. I always tell my potential partner that let me tell my husband before we go off.

 

The asking to join part can be awkward. It doesn't work all the time, but we worked out some non-verbal communications. If we are close to each other but talking to different people, let's say I am about to head off for separate play, I would tell my husband and place my hand on the small of his back and tap my hand once to let him know it's ok to ask if he wants to join, and I'd tap twice if I want to play separately or I don't think my partner wants him to join, so don't ask. I usually can get a feel for whether my partner wants my husband along. My husband does the same thing if he goes off. We had to change the gesture a few times since we started this because of inadvertent touching. And sometimes we simply forget. It's not foolproof but eliminates some of the awkwardness. I remember one time I thought my potential partner was ok with my husband joining, and when I gave my hubby the signal and he asked to join, she said she preferred not having him. oh well, it's not perfect.