When does swinging come up in a relationship?

[Bearclaw 15]

New to swinging, I am curious about something. Do the majority of married couples decide on the lifestyle prior to marriage or is it usually something introduced down the line when newness is desired?

[masterz 15]

Good question, My wife and I have also been discussing the possibilities of the lifestyle... curious to see what the census is for this.

[Bearclaw 15]

Glad we are not the only ones, masterz. Hopefully we receive insightful replies.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Depends on the couple and the persons within that couple. Some couples don't even think about swinging when they are dating or getting married. Sometimes it isn't until they are well established in their relationship that the idea of swinging comes up. Sometimes couples go into it after their kids have grown up. For other couples, it can be the total opposite...they know about swinging before dating and might even has some experience in the LS as a single. They know they want the LS to be part of their continued life journey so they might seek out a partner that is also interested in the LS. So, the conversation about being in the LS might be one of the first things they talk about when they date. Then there are couples that range in the middle. Some might be fairly early in their relationship but have heard about the LS and decide to broach the subject with their girlfriend/boyfriend. There are couples that enter the LS when they still have young children. And there are couples where one wants to swing but the other doesn't.

 

It's not just one type of couple or style that enters the LS...it's a wide array.

[asncpl 729]

I couldn't sum it up any better than Sunbuckus. I am not sure if there is a majority. For us, we got into the LS after marriage, when the sex life was in a bit of trouble, and that's when we really opened up sexually to each other and realized we both had many kinky fantasies. Someone very close to me got in the LS while she was single, found a husband who is open to it, and maintain the LS throughout her life, even with kids. There is really no right time except what's right for you.

[exploringRM 305]

My unscientific survey...the majority (large majority) of people we know started swinging later in marriage.

[junglecouple 127]

May not count, but we MET in the LS. Certainly made it easier since we were in the middle of what we both loved doing. Since our original meeting, the boundaries and adventures have certainly broadened.

[Tia Vampire 167]

I'm not married, but I'm 100% sure swinging would be something that comes up after being married for a while.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I brought up non-monogamy before we officially started dating. Years of asking questions of couples, though, says that's a minority approach, with 80% or so discussing swinging some years into their marriage.

[a_d_xxx 663]

We didn't discuss the LS until we'd been together over 20 years. We know others that were in the LS before they met.

 

Like most things in the LS, everyone has a different story Maybe that's why one of the first questions people ask when chitchatting is: "So, how did you get into the LS?"

 

I think it's awesome that swingers have 'origin stories' just like superheroes

 

D

[Cancuple-he 37]

Mrs. Cancuple and I were together for almost 20 years before our journey into the LS started.

 

It was a gradual thing...

 

It started one day when she mused allowed, what the big deal was with a strip joint. So we went to one. She seemed to really enjoy it! Especially all the attention she got from the dancers as well as the other guys! LoL She then expressed interest in watching the occasional porn movie together, and she was intrigued by the girl on girl scenes, so I started joking around that she was free to have an affair, as long as her partner was a woman. It progressed from there... we found ourselves collecting DVD's and visiting our favourite strip club in Niagara Falls, Ontario, and she even convinced me to take her to a male strip joint as well. Then one day, she was helping a GF pack for an upcoming move, and they each had a glass of wine, and they started messing around a bit. They both started texting me, and sending me pics, and of course I encouraged it willingly! Shortly thereafter I took her to a strip joint and got her some lap dances. She was genuinely intrigued, so we had to take it to the next level... We joined a swinger forum, and found a couple to play with, but they weren't right. They were very nice people, but were more into the full swap, and we weren't ready for that yet. So we coasted for awhile. The real break through came when we went to Temptations in Fall 2010.

[DownunderFun 19]

We are both on our 'second time around' after both having sexually unfulfilling and controlling marriages. We had been friends for many years and when we started dating we were committed to each and decided to make up for lost time by exploring the lifestyle. We were both just on the same wavelength having experienced the same sexual frustrations for so many years. It just felt natural for us and we enjoy such an easy relationship with no hang-ups, drama or limitations.

 

Being in the lifestyle doesn't rule our lives or define us as people, it's a leisure activity for us. Like people enjoy playing golf, we enjoy having fun times with special friends.

 

What I really love about the lifestyle is that there is room for everyone. Whatever your preference, comfort level or kink is, everyone is welcome and accepted. I have never met more real people than I have in the Lifestyle.

[angelkin 1,326]

We talked about swinging while we were dating, and the conversation continued for many many years. It took us a long time to get there but a health event made us realize life is too short not to live it to the fullest.

 

We've been swinging about three years now, we jumped into the deep end of the pool right away. And gradually over time we've come to a quasi– open marriage ... Both of us enjoying hall passes When one is on business travel.

 

We frequently split up at house parties too, so we can each have the kind of fun were looking for in the lifestyle.

[81lizard69 470]

We did not really think about till years after we were married. Almost ten.. Hubby always wanted to do a three with me and my college room mate but that was as far as we got till after the kids were born.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If it's something you know you want / are interested in prior to marriage, then it should be discussed prior to marriage. For many (if not most) they don't realize they have these interests until later... or would never think that they might be able to act on them... so they can't bring it up until after marriage. For others, especially those who have already had experience, it is a known quantity and should be brought up before marriage.

 

For instance... it was brought up to me during my first marriage. My ex had had some experiences with threesomes and still had an old swinger mag or two laying around and it came up from there. Not with any intent on his side of pursuing it, but it just came up and we talked about it and over time decided to pursue it.

 

In my current marriage, I brought it up prior to marriage. Whether or not we chose to pursue it then or later or never, it was something that he needed to know about because it was a part of me and because I run this website.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

My first wife and I sort of just fell into it about a year before we married. It started out partying with other couples, getting horny and having sex, not sharing or swapping, just us and them as a couple, either in the same room or separate rooms. I couldn't help peeking at the other couple having sex. I would catch him , her or both of them looking at us also. One of the couples broke up but we still got together and partied with the guy. One time when the three of us were together I shared her with him. She loved it! It went from there. It was our favorite way to party. He was the only one we shared with. Her and I decided to get married. She was loving having sex with him so much that she could have easily chosen to marry him. The night before our wedding we got together for what the two of us agreed would be the last time she would ever have sex with another man. Since it was (supposed to be) the last time the two of them would ever have sex with each other again it turned into a marathon no holds (holes) barred marathon. We had sex until the sun came up. The three of us were hung over for the ceremony. It was a long day. He wasn't the best man but he should have been .

 

Our commitment to her not having sex with other men didn't last long. He was still our friend and we all tried to resist it but we had too much fun playing and we were soon sharing again. I was getting worried about her feelings that were growing for him and got her involved with other guys. Those experiences were no where near the experiences she had with him. He was the best. He was still her favorite. To make a long story short, after things almost turned to disaster because of their feelings for each other, we took a break.

 

She was o.k. not having sex with him and other men but I couldn't get the memories out of my head. It wasn't long until I was back to talking her into doing it again. This time she wasn't getting attached to one guy and liked having experiences with different men. They weren't all good experiences but she(we) had many satisfying experiences. We don't do it as much as we did before but we'll get bored and decide to find someone to play with. Sometimes someone new, sometimes with an old "friend";).

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

My unscientific survey...the majority (large majority) of people we know started swinging later in marriage.

 

Ditto! Often, like us, much later.

[ViSexual 1,008]

In my current marriage, I brought it up prior to marriage. Whether or not we chose to pursue it then or later or never, it was something that he needed to know about because it was a part of me and because I run this website.

 

Julie, you didn't have much choice at that!

 

My wife and I were young when we married and didn't really discuss anything before marriage. Hey, we just wanted to sleep together!

 

But when a couple we knew, and liked a lot, seduced us we were sure not hard to get. And it had nothing to do with our sex lives being stale either. We just wanted more.

[sparkstar 128]

We have always been poly since we first met, we talked about all sorts of things including sex and fantasies on our first date. He said he enjoyed seeing girlfriends with other men and so she was ok to try it out. For a while we stayed as fuck buddies but then decided to make it official we were together after 3 years, then a year after that we got married. We agreed between us a private wedding vow, a promise that we are always allowed to have sex separately with anyone we like.

[ref2018 29]

When husband(S) and i got together, i indicated that i may want a girlfriend if the right person came along. After we got married (which was for pragmatic reasons; although we do love each other, our marriage is more about legal next-of-kin than about our personal lives), we came to the decision that it doesn't matter what sex or gender the other people are, and that we were both free to date whomever else we wanted.

 

I'd had this "boyfriend" since 1988 whom i would see occasionally, especially during times when neither of us had any other relationships going on. We were never "a couple" so we never did the "breaking up" or "getting back together" rigamarole. We drifted back together some years after S and I got married. To many people, this would be a "fwb" relationship, but we are in love and what other people think has no effect on what we have between us.

 

S has had a girlfriend for about a year and a half. He had only been with about maybe 4 or 5 people before me, and i want(ed) him to be able to experience being with more if the opportunity should present itself. Eventually, one of his female friends who does the same type of entertainment/performance split up with her husband and S started seeing her. He says this is enough for him, he doesn't know how the hell he could fit another gf into his schedule. Interestingly enough, WE have an "open" relationship but SHE doesn't want him seeing anyone else (she accepts that he is with me but would have him all to herself if she could).

 

And finally (for the time being) i have a guy i met at a nude camping resort this past summer, which is a long-ish distance relationship right now, and since this doesn't have a lot of bearing to the thread topic, suffice to say that S has been gracious enough to give me the space to enjoy the time i am able to spend with my new guy when and while we are able to do so.

 

I still don't have a girlfriend, lol.

[naturefun 174]

Me and my fiancee decided we were both interested in swinging before being married- obviously, given that she's my fiancee, not my wife. That said, this was a recent thing for us and we've been dating for nearly nine years. If we had our way, we'd have been married about four years or so ago. However, since there's no one with a pot of money offering to pay for our wedding, and we're both students, we really don't have that means. So while we weren't actually married when we decided to give the lifestyle a try we might as well have been for all intents and purposes.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It was "something introduced down the line when newness" was desired. Introducing toys came first followed by combining toys with bondage and light s/m. Talking her into trying another man was the best and last step.

[Sirramm 111]

My ex-wife and I started swinging right after we got married...long story short we had a couple we were friends with and he and I would always joke about swapping wives for the night...one night after a party and way too many drinks he jokingly asked my then wife if she wanted to screw...moments later his wife and I were watching them go at it and from that point forward I really got off watching other men have sex with her. After our divorce, for unrelated issues, I'd see her at parties and we'd have sex from time to time. My current wife and I were talking about skeletons in our closets one day shortly after starting to date. When I told her I liked swinging and sharing my woman with other men as well as enjoying my orally bi-side she freaked out at first. Months later when we talked about it again she confessed she had been thinking about it A LOT and thought she might want to try some things out. She's now getting into the swinging scene and we have two men and one couple we play with often.

 

I love watching her with other men and she really gets off watching me blow guys right after they have sex!!!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

New to swinging, I am curious about something. Do the majority of married couples decide on the lifestyle prior to marriage or is it usually something introduced down the line when newness is desired?

My experience tells me that discussion of and engagement in "The Lifestyle" typically happens after a man and woman have been married for a while. But my direct experience tells me that any desire for novelty is not the driving factor. Not, anyway, in the sense of, hey, our sex lives need revival; hey, you know, I've heard of this activity called swinging -- how 'bout we try that.

 

It's more often, I believe, like "hey, would you ever try something like that?" "Well, I think I might. Let's look into it."

 

Side-bar discussion. Swing lifestyle have probably never saved anybody's marriage.

[sahajacpl 95]

Depends on the couple and the persons within that couple. Some couples don't even think about swinging when they are dating or getting married. Sometimes it isn't until they are well established in their relationship that the idea of swinging comes up. Sometimes couples go into it after their kids have grown up. For other couples, it can be the total opposite...they know about swinging before dating and might even has some experience in the LS as a single. They know they want the LS to be part of their continued life journey so they might seek out a partner that is also interested in the LS. So, the conversation about being in the LS might be one of the first things they talk about when they date. Then there are couples that range in the middle. Some might be fairly early in their relationship but have heard about the LS and decide to broach the subject with their girlfriend/boyfriend. There are couples that enter the LS when they still have young children. And there are couples where one wants to swing but the other doesn't.

 

It's not just one type of couple or style that enters the LS...it's a wide array.

 

That from Sunbuckus sums it up very well, we think. We do not know about the majority but for us I (male) was already into swinging having dated numerous girls having had sex with most of them. I also did a m/f/m threesome with a friend and his French wife at his (and her) behest. I also had a tennis buddy who talked me and my then girlfriend into a foursome full-swap with him and his girlfriend. Later we did another full-swap with another couple he knew, few years older than us. When we got married, wife had no experience in swinging. We gradually got talking and fantasizing about sex with other partners that then became a reality. So there we go. Most couples that are open-minded about sex arrive at swinging in their own unique manner.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We were two decades into our relationship when we first started thinking about it. Before that, we were aware of swinging, but more from an urban lore kind of thing and it had never interested us enough to do any research on our own. Exactly why that changed, I don't even remember. It wasn't any sort of eureka moment, it was just something that slowly built until one of us brought it up to the other, and we were both interested enough to look into it more.

 

Like anything you enjoy but come to later in life, sometimes you think that you wished you had found out about it sooner. But, for us, I think we got into swinging at the perfect time for us; trying to do it earlier, it probably wouldn't have worked out as well.

[Alura 2,774]

My late wife and I discussed the concept on our second date. It was prompted by a desire to learn everything about each other, not real interest in the lifestyle.

 

Over the next few years, we concluded that our sex together was almost always "love making" which was more serious and that we missed "fun sex" that we'd both known from our single days.

 

Several years into our marriage, we met a couple who had been married since immediately after high school. Neither had ever had sex with another person and wanted to find out what it was like. We obliged them and played for years until they moved to another city and we lost touch.

 

I think most folks, however, have been married a long time before they explore the idea.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We got into the lifestyle decades after we met. For my part, the possibility of having sex with people other than my wife never seriously entered my mind. It was only after 35 years of being friends with my wife, including 20 years of marriage, and a sexual re-awakening in our early 50s that the possibility of swinging even occurred to us.

[Guest]

We started when we were both dating but it was the 2nd go around for both of us, me a widow and he divorced after many years and both of us with “adult” children, if there is such a thing. Perhaps the sudden throw into dating at that point in our lives served to weaken our morals and heighten our sexual appetites?