Swing need not be a 50/50 proposition.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

My observation, after watching lifestyle couples for eight years, is that the happiest and most successful do not expect swing to be a you-get-one-I-get-one process. No expectation of even-Steven. I, for example, am satisfied in the knowledge that my wife is having more fun than I. I'm having quite enough fun and that's all I need.

[VegasLee 1,486]

You are 100% correct.

 

Those that try to keep score end up with Drama and problems. Have seen it 100's of times.

 

I learned many, many years ago. If she is happy, I am happy. No scorecards needed.

[sexyhornycouple 122]

There are situations where it also works against couples. We have seen it ourselves where the wife gets all the fun and the husband gets none. It's happened to us and many others we know. Drama can form in any situation.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Have to agree it can go both ways. Sure those who only play together play less but I don't know that they have less drama. Of course there is a difference between playing solo vs separately and keeping score. The op seemed to not really distinguish between them so I'm not sure if you intended them as one in the same or mea t situations where both factors (and more) were at play.

 

It's as easy to oversimplify things when it comes to swinging as it is to over complicate.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Their are situations where it also works against couples. We have seen it ourselves where the wife gets all the fun and the husband gets none. It's happened to us and many others we know. Drama can form in any situation.

 

I would agree that there are extremes--either a couple has to be 50/50 or one spouse gets all the fun and the other doesn't. The one time that we played separately wasn't very fun for either of us. I kept worrying if Mr. Sun was having any fun and as it happened Mr. Sun wasn't really having any. I felt guilty whenever I went off so we have played together ever since.

[Chicup 41]

Swinging need not be 50-50 but I don't think its good if its 90-10 either. Somewhere every couple will find their level.

[D&D 362]

First off I think the OP and Chicup are right. Its just not going to be a 50/50 split. Thats just an unrealistic expectation. Marriage or any long term relationship isn't a 50/50 proposition. Life just doesn't work that way. The expectation that things in life and marriage will be equal/fair is a fantasy. Who has the better car, better job, more free time at home, who does the cooking and cleaning, who takes the kids to school, etc., Swinging isn't going to be an exception. The expectation of a 50/50 split is unrealistic and in many ways childish. Even when we meet a couple where there is 4 way chemistry it's rarely equal. One of us is usually going to have a better time than the other. Learning to appreciate your partners enjoyment is part of being a mature adult.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

I'm with D&D in thinking generally that a 50/50 split on anything is an unrealistic expectation. Small children are usually very certain that "fair" and "equal" are exactly the same thing, but I think one of the privileges adulthood conveys is the possibility of a more nuanced approach to life.

 

I know I'd be worried about any couple that took the bean counting approach to life, not least because at its core, exact division of swinging into 50/50 is a demand that your partner's actions solve some internal issues for you. I'm not pointing fingers here, in case anyone wonders, but the many more opportunities most female halves of couples have isn't a universal truth or anything and sometimes rests on some quality of the not so wanted male halves, like lack of confidence or assertiveness or too little time in the gym. When that's the case and it's married to a bias for exact 50/50 interactions, even if that bias is only expressed as sadness and disappointment, it strikes me as unhealthy on many levels.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

When my wife finally agreed to have sex with other men in front of me she was honest that she couldn't bear to watch me having sex with another woman. That was o.k. with me. Watching her having sex with another man was my fantasy come true.

[njbm 2,868]

So how do you swing? She can be full swap, but you can't? Seems frustrating.Also, wouldn't that be tough to work out with another couple?

[JB 140]

We have found that 66.432% vs. 33.568% works well on weekdays, however, during the weekend then it is 55.369% vs. 44.631%, unless of course, it is an odd numbered calendar date, then the ratios are reversed.

 

Whatever happens during an event, it is not the only event you are going to experience, there will be another. If you go into a play session thinking that “this is the only chance I have to do this” then you are asking for trouble.

[willyoats 324]

While you both are into swinging, there is not need for it to be 50-50, nor is it realistic to expect that.

 

The problem will arise when one of you wants to quit swinging and the other does not. Believe me, that WILL cause a problem!

[drinnt 201]

The Mrs and I shoot for situations where we are both happy with the circumstances. That varies. Our happiness is up to US and what will bring about that happiness will be different depending on whats going on. There have been many situations over the years and the one thing we learned that took a while to learn is that finding a situation where we both had EQUAL situations is impossible. But finding situations where we can both be equally HAPPY with what we are doing...that is much more attainable. In fact...I've seen it self-moderate where she was having way more sex than I was with a couple and I was enjoying watching but she wasn't happy...she wanted to see me having more play fun. So we CHASED THE FEELING OF MUTUAL HAPPINESS, not the logistics of "you got A and I got B". She was actually sad I was not having as much fun even when I told her I was having a great time relaxing and watching her go.

 

So chasing circumstances is going to lead to a whole host of confusion. Now we simply seek to be HAPPY with what we are doing. In the end, if we're not both HAPPY then no ratio is going to matter.

[MrsPandMe 150]

I think the point my esteemed colleague was trying to make is that couples that strive for a 50/50 ratio tend to get upset when that doesn't happen, thus the drama. In this idyllic world, a couple meets up with another couple and both get their rocks off, and I have seen many new swinging couples go into this with the idea that they're both going to "get some" and thus equality. Then they actually get into the situation and one of the guys ends up having a failure to launch, the other couple is happily fucking away oblivious to this and suddenly the "perfect 50/50" ideal is broken. Some couples deal with this by getting envious or jealous, others try to "even the score" the next time, which invariably just skews the ratio even more because now he (or she) is "under pressure" to make things right... The successful ones are the ones that come to terms with the idea that there will be days where one or the other might "strike out" and that that is okay because in the grand scheme of things it's not about keeping score, but about being happy and enjoying yourselves.

 

Mr. P.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Here is the reason why 50/50 or 100/0 doesn't work: an unresolved, underlying issue. These can range widely from the common, "Hey, I'm not getting as much as my partner," to "I'm okay with my spouse playing but my spouse isn't comfortable with me playing." Yes, swinging isn't about fairness. Yes, swinging is about seeing and reaping the benefits of your spouse being pleasured and happy. But let's be honest, no matter what the percentage ratio, every couple will encounter issues. It's how they deal with them and proceed from that point that determines whether there will be "drama" or "success".

[Chicup 41]

I think that perhaps the ironic thing here is that we have the idea that it shouldn't be 50-50 and at the same time the idea that you shouldn't take one for the team.

 

50-50 doesn't just apply to play time but who you play with.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

I agree. I think relationships in general are like that. One of the couple may need more or less "Alone time" or "Gal's/Guy's night out" etc. Just because you are married/together does not mean you have the same personality.

 

While I feel the out comes do not need to be 50/50, tit for tat, I do think it is important that opportunity is closer to 50/50. If one side is good with the other doing the things that please themselves, but the other is very restrictive, that is looking for a problem. We both have the opportunity to swing and both have opportunity to use hall passes. Equal opportunity. But she will always have greater responses to hall passes than I will, it is just the nature of the beast, fewer females and higher demand, and a glut of males and low demand.

 

I understand this and I am fine with it. IN fact I love to see her go have a good time, even when I am unable to do so.

 

In terms of swinging I have seen couples only looking for singles (be it female or male). Both agree, but it has been clear at times it is not optimal for both sides and animosity seems to be building.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

My suspicion is that those that believe it can't be 50-50 fall into a similar mindset that I do, in that it still is best if it is "close". Maybe that is 53-47, or 58-42, or whatever number you're comfortable with.

 

Kind of a bell curve type thing, with most closer to 50-50, even if not dead on.

 

Or, maybe not, and 99-1 is your thang.

 

Sent using modern technology!

[Chicup 41]

I think this thread is a bit muddy. What does 50-50 mean to people?

 

Both getting equal play time, orgasm for orgasm?

Both getting partners they are "equally" into?

Both getting what they want out of swinging?

 

For a couple where they are looking for MFM's 50-50 will be a different thing than a couple who is looking for a straight swap. For them they are both getting what they "want" out of it. So even though shes the one getting the extra sex, hes looking for that too so that would be 50-50.

 

For us we are both looking for partners. While we have had asymmetric swinging arrangements and been ok with it, we would not be happy if one of us were left out. For us, an occasional MFM is alright, but its not a 50-50 arrangement in our case. We would not play with a male of a couple multiple times if his wife did not want to join us as well. So the same MFM that is a 50-50 for couple a is not 50-50 for us.

 

The more I think about this we really are a 50-50 couple over all. I get what I want and she gets what she wants. She has pulled the plug on couples where she wasn't thrilled with the guy even though I was with the woman. I have done the same. Its not that we don't want each other to be happy, its that we respect each others happiness.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

My observation, after watching lifestyle couples for eight years, is that the happiest and most successful do not expect swing to be a you-get-one-I-get-one process. No expectation of even-Steven. I, for example, am satisfied in the knowledge that my wife is having more fun than I. I'm having quite enough fun and that's all I need.

 

I just watched the 3rd episode of the swinger reality show on Discovery. The couples talk about 50 -50. They all have a different idea about what this means and get in fights about it. For one it means they are always together when swinging. She goes out with girlfriends and dances with another man. He gets bent out of shape because he considers her dirty dancing sexual contact. Another couple has only had fmf threesomes. The girl wants to be with another man. The guy doesn't want this. She says they agreed to 50 50. He says being with girls is 50 50 (She is bi).